Chapter 30: The Firing of the Headmaster

Alecto: Hehehe, you're fucked now Potter. The boss is on his way, and when he gets here and sees I've caught you, he'll reward me beautifully.

Harry: I can't help but notice I haven't actually been caught yet.

Alecto: What do you mean? You're standing right in front of me.

Harry: Yeah, but you haven't tied me up, or cursed me, or knocked me out. Like, I'm still very much free.

Alecto: *sighs* Fine, I suppose I should body bind you *very slowly reaches into her robes for her wand* But I don't see what the point is, it's not like you can get a… *sees Harry and Luna have already pointed their wands at her* …oh, right, you can do magic too.

Harry: Damn right *with Luna* STUPEFY! *Alecto collapses loudly* Also, I have plot armour so thick you'd need an axe to cut through it.

Luna: I wouldn't be giving them ideas if I were you.

Harry: Fair enough *hears people coming* We should hide.

Luna: Why? They're on our side, right?

Harry: If you knew how many times I've nearly died in the last year, you would be unsure too, now get under the cloak *drags Luna under the cloak as Ravenclaw students arrive in the Common Room*

Ravenclaw 1: Is that one of the Carrows?

Ravenclaw 2: Looks like it.

Ravenclaw 3: Is she dead?

Ravenclaw 4: Looks like it.

All Ravenclaws: Ding dong the witch is dead / Which old witch? / The wicked witch / Ding dong the wicked witch is dead…

Ravenclaw 5: Actually, I think she's just stunned.

Ravenclaw 6: Spoilsport.

Amycus: *bursting into the Common Room* ALECTO! *checks on her* What the fuck did these kids do to you?

McGonagall: *casually strolling into the room* Something you two have had coming for a long time, frankly.

Amycus: What the fuck did you say to me, bitch?

McGonagall: Oh, come on, did you really think we'd just accept you here with open arms?

Amycus: We'll see how accepting you are when the boss gets here. He'll be pissed when he doesn't find Potter, and he'll want to take that anger out on whoever's in his path.

McGonagall: Oh, is he coming here, is he?

Amycus: Yeah. And when he gets here…

McGonagall: I'm going to have some strong words with him about leaving his most incompetent henchmen at the school.

Amycus: Why you…

McGonagall: I mean, why would Potter come here? He's a Gryffindor student. If anything, he should be in Gryffindor tower. Yet here's your sister, most likely passed out drunk because you and her can't do literally anything right.

Amycus: Go fuck yourself bitch *spits on McGonagall*

Harry: *emerging from under the cloak* No, you go fuck yourself. CRUCIO! *blasts Amycus with the curse, sending Amycus screaming in agony into a wall*

McGonagall: Huh…so they were actually right for once.

Harry: Sorry about using that spell, but I think you'll agree…

McGonagall: Fifty points from Gryffindor.

Harry: Wait, WHAT?!

McGonagall: You used an Unforgivable Curse.

Harry: Professor, I haven't been at school all year.

McGonagall: And that's another fifty points for tardiness. But that does beg the question: why are you here now?

Harry: Because Voldemort's *thundercrack* got something here that I need to find so I can stop him.

McGonagall: Okay. What is it?

Luna: *coming out from under the cloak* Ravenclaw's lost diadem.

McGonagall: I see. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Ravenclaw's lost diadem, by definition, lost?

Harry: Yes, I know it sounds stupid…you haven't seen it, have you?

McGonagall: No.

Harry: Well, worth a shot.

McGonagall: Well, I suppose we should inform the other heads of house what's happening *sends off three Patronuses*

Harry: What do we do with them? *looking at the Carrows*

McGonagall: Leave them to the Ravenclaws. They're smart, they'll know what to do. But if I were you, I'd get back under that cloak. We have places to be.

later in the halls*

McGonagall: *suddenly stops* Severus, I know you're there.

Snape: Indeed Minerva. I didn't realise it was your turn to patrol the corridors.

McGonagall: I'm a grown woman and will go where I damn well please.

Snape: I see. Tell me: where's Potter?

McGonagall: What makes you think I know?

Snape: I just happened to see Gryffindor's house score go down. And I believe at the start of the year you said if Potter was stupid enough to come back to school you'd take a bunch of house points off of him?

McGonagall: And what makes you think I didn't just find one of my students out of bed?

Snape: Because I… *suddenly puts up a shield charm as McGonagall turns around and fires off several spells* …suspected you were about to do that.

Flitwick: *suddenly coming around the corner* Ooh, are we finally beating up Severus?

Sprout: *coming up behind him* Don't mind if I do.

Slughorn: *following them* Is that really a good i…

McGonagall: Shut it, Horace. Ready everyone?

Snape: Well, I know where I'm not wanted *runs into the nearest classroom*

McGonagall: GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, I'M NOT DONE KICKING IT! *follows him into the classroom as glass breaks* That bastard.

Harry: *taking off the cloak* He fled like a little bitch did he?

McGonagall: Indeed he did *points at Snape flapping his arms as he flew away*

Flitwick: HOLY SHIT!

Harry: Yes, yes, I know I'm awesome. Hey, as Head of Ravenclaw, you wouldn't happen to have seen Ravenclaw's lost diadem, would you?

Flitwick: What a stupidly random question to ask someone.

Harry: Well, have you?

Flitwick: What do you think?

Harry: Yeah, wishful thinking on my part.

Slughorn: Does anyone want to explain what's going on right now?

Harry: Voldemort's *thundercrack* coming, probably with every Death Eater available, and I need to find something in the castle to stop him.

Sprout: And why's he coming here now, of all times? He's after you, right? And there's no way you were here more than an hour.

Harry: That's not…

Flitwick: Has it got anything to do with that dragon you allegedly broke out of Gringotts on?

Harry: …maybe…

Slughorn: You're openly antagonising him now?

Harry: To be fair, he started it.

McGonagall: Look, we need to get this place evacuated. I feel like Voldemort *thundercrack* is going to kill anyone or anything between him and Potter. Right?

Harry: Hold on, let me check? *goes into Voldemort's head*

in the cave*

Voldemort: *flying over the lake* Fuck you Potter, fuck you Potter, fuck you Potter, fuck you Potter, fuck you Potter, fuck you Potter…

back in the classroom*

Harry: Yeah, he's pretty pissed.

Sprout: Should we be concerned about that?

Flitwick: Probably, but the evacuation thing's probably more important right now.

Harry: Probably best to go through the Room of Requirement. There's a way in and out of the Hog's Head there now.

McGonagall: And where exactly is that?

Harry: Well, it's normally on the seventh floor, but apparently it's been opening in random spots in the castle to avoid detection, so…

?: On your left Harry.

Harry: What the… *the Room of Requirement opens behind Harry on his left, revealing practically every member of the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore's Army*

McGonagall: ORDER OF THE PHOENIX *holds her arm up, and Mjolnir flies into it* …assemble.

Lupin: Okay, what's the plan?

McGonagall: He's coming, and we need to stall him and the Death Eaters.

Kingsley: Sounds suicidal.

Harry: It is. Why is everyone so keen to do this?

Molly: Because we love you Harry.

Harry: I mean, yeah, of course you do, but surely "suicide by Wizard Hitler" is a bit of a stretch. Also, where are Ron and Hermione?

Ginny: They said they were going to the bathroom.

Harry: There's a bathroom in the Room though.

Molly: Which reminds me: why are you here Ginny?

Arthur: Silly Molly, this is her school.

Molly: She is a sixteen-year-old girl, and this place is about to become a battleground. I don't want my precious baby anywhere near this.

Ginny: *who had smoke start spewing out of her when Molly said the word 'precious'* I suppose you missed the remains of Dolohov in my room then.

Molly: I don't care. The only Weasleys going out there to fight are me, your dad, and all your brothers…

?: Including me *everyone spins around, to see Percy entering the Room from the Hog's Head entrance*

Harry: Ah yes, nothing reunites a family like the threat of imminent death.

Percy: Pretty much. If anyone has anything nasty to say to me, might as well get it out now, you might not get another chance, and I kinda deserve it.

George: Well in that case, Fred, do you have the list?

Fred: Why would I bring it? I assumed this would never happen.

George: Eh, it'll probably be fine. We'll still be around afterwards to mock him anyway.

Fred: Yeah, what kind of story would only kill off one twin?

Harry: Fate has never been more tempted.