Harry: *chained to the wall* I swear, I didn't know the cup was even there.
Petunia: A likely story.
Vernon: You know, I suspect he was so excited at the prospect of us leaving that he broke it early on accident. I'm almost certain he'll destroy the rest once we leave.
Petunia: Good point. Maybe we shouldn't leave.
Harry: *sigh* I keep telling you, if it were up to me, I wouldn't be putting you into hiding. The Order, however, believe that Voldemort *thundercrack* or his followers will track you down and torture you in order to get to me. Not that I'd care if they did.
Vernon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T CARE?!
Petunia: After we took you in? And cared for you? And fed and clothed you for sixteen years?
Harry: Ah yes *rattling the chains he was wrapped in* I should be really appreciative of this.
Vernon: Damn right you should.
Dudley: He does have a point though.
Harry: …huh?
Vernon: What?
Petunia: Dudley?
Dudley: I mean, you always do things like this to him. Locking him in his cupboard for weeks, putting bars on his windows, chaining him up…
Petunia: We need to discipline him somehow, Duddums.
Dudley: And many of these punishments are for things beyond his control? Specifically, his being magical?
Vernon: Clearly, I just didn't beat him hard enough to get it out of him. Though I might still be able to do something about it…
Dudley: I wouldn't recommend it. I've already called the NSPCC *Harry, Petunia, and Vernon freeze in complete shock*
Petunia: *recovering from the shock* What did you say, Duddums?
Dudley: I've called the NSPCC on you two, for abusing two children.
Vernon: TWO?! Dudley, we never did anything to you.
Dudley: That's part of the problem. I've never been punished for anything bad I've ever done. I've done some awful shit, thrown childish tantrums, destroyed property, both mine and other peoples, bullied and harassed many people, and you've ENCOURAGED that behaviour.
Petunia: We just wanted you to be happy.
Dudley: And what has that led to? At age 17, I'm already twice as likely as anyone else my age to suffer heart failure, get type 2 diabetes, or have a stroke due to too much cholesterol.
Petunia: Where is all this coming from, Dudley?
Dudley: Two years ago, I was attacked by some horrible creatures. Harry saved me. I've been nothing but an absolute asshole to him, and he saved me. And yet, despite what I told you, you still insisted on treating Harry like dirt. It made me question what sort of people you were, and what I could do to say thank you to Harry. And then I found the answer.
Vernon: Well, whatever. We ain't going quietly *someone knocks at the door*
Dudley: How much noise you make when you go is none of my concern *opens the door*
Officer 1: Are these the two?
Dudley: Yes, officer.
Vernon: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE *dives out the window*
Officer 2: HE'S MAKING A BREAK FOR IT!
Dudley: Don't worry, he's so out of shape that he won't get far.
Vernon: *from the yard* Damn it, why are fences so hard to climb?
Dudley: The weird thing is he's trying to get over the front picket fence when there's a gate not two feet away from him.
Petunia: Officer, please believe me. I've never done anything horrible to anyone.
Officer 1: Uh huh. Why is that boy chained to the wall? *indicates Harry, who has been in stunned silence since Dudley started calling out his parents*
Petunia: Uh…
Officer 2: You get this one. I'll get the other *goes out to the yard*
Petunia: *as she's getting handcuffed* Dudley…
Dudley: It's too late, mum *watches as she gets dragged out of the house, while the other officer tries to drag Vernon to the car* Well Harry *unchains him from the wall, while he's still in stunned silence* I don't know what else there is to say, other than…thank you for saving my life. I love you *Harry doesn't respond, still in stunned silence* You don't have to say anything, I know this might still be unexpected for you. But I mean it sincerely *turns to leave* Oh, and good luck with what you've gotta do. I hope we can be friends when this is all over. But if you can't find it in your heart to forgive me after all these years of abuse…I understand. Well, goodbye, cousin *Dudley leaves. Harry is still in stunned silence*