Harry: *wakes up suddenly* Huh? What? What happened?
?: Oh, good. You're awake.
Harry: Okay, time for all the standard waking up in an unexpected place with a total stranger questions.
Ted: My name is Ted Tonks, I believe you know my daughter. You're in my house, we found you and Hagrid after you crashed here. We have no idea what happened to make you crash, we assumed you'd be landing calmly before you came in and took the Portkey to the Burrow.
Harry: Huh…wasn't expecting you to anticipate all those questions.
Ted: Why? They're pretty standard questions for someone who just woke up in a strange place. Wouldn't most adults think you'd want to know these things?
Harry: Most adults? Maybe. Most adults I know? Maybe not.
Ted: Well anyway, after we moved you and Hagrid in here…
Harry: How the hell did you most Hagrid?
Ted: The levitation charm, of course. You do know we can use that, right?
Harry: Ah, right.
Ted: Anyway, once we got you in here, we healed your wounds for you.
Harry: I had wounds?
Ted: Well, yeah, you landed underneath Hagrid.
Harry: Feels like he should have landed first since he's heavier.
Hagrid: *coming in* Not the way I did things.
Ted: Ah, Hagrid. Maybe you can explain what just happened.
Hagrid: Well…
*flashback*
Hagrid: About that…it can't be turned off until it uses the remainder of our fuel *loud beeping noise* Which may be now.
Harry: …ah, crap *plummets to the ground*
Hagrid: Don't worry, we're nearly where we need to be.
Death Eater: *drawing level on his broom* And you still won't make it.
Hagrid: We'll see ab'ut that. 'arry, take the wheel.
Harry: The fuck do you mean… *Hagrid jumps off the bike and onto the Death Eater's broom* Why would you… *as they're wrestling, they fly straight into Harry, knocking him out*
Voldemort: *apparating in front of them, still smoking from being set on fire* HAHA! Now I've got you Harry. AVADA KEDAVRA! *Harry, despite being unconscious, raises his wand and blocks the spell* Oh, COME THE FUCK ON! *tries to pursue him, but ends up hitting an invisible barrier* Oh, SON OF A…
Harry: *waking up* Huh? What? *hits the ground* …I'm okay *the Death Eater lands on top of him, knocking him out again*
Death Eater: HAHA! I got him.
Hagrid: INCOMING! *Hagrid lands on top of the Death Eater* Well, at least we're 'ere, right 'arry? *silence* 'arry? *sees where he is* Ah, crap.
*back in the present*
Harry: Wait, if that Death Eater landed on top of me, where'd he go?
Death Eater: *somewhat muffled* The giant landed on me ass first. I'm stuck up here…wait a minute… *Hagrid's arm suddenly twitches, then his other arm* HAHA! I've got you now *Hagrid starts stumbling towards Harry*
Hagrid: Oh no you don't *Hagrid clenches, causing a sickening crunching sound to be heard* That'll show him.
Harry: Right…well, after that disturbing display…
?: Ah, gentlemen? The portkey's about to depart.
Harry: WHAT THE FUCK?! Bellatrix?
Andromeda: That would be my sister. I'm Andromeda.
Harry: Okay Andi, where's the portkey?
Andromeda: Please don't shorten my name like that.
Harry: Well, surely no-one's calling you Andromeda all the time. I'mma just stick to Andi.
Andromeda: *sighs* If it wasn't for the fact that you're going to save us all, I'd slap the shit out of you.
Hagrid: A'right 'arry, grab 'edwig and let's go.
Harry: …about that…
Hagrid: What? Where's 'edwig? *Harry looking depressed* Where's 'edwig, 'arry?
Harry: Voldecunt *explosive thundercrack* killed her.
Voldemort: *in the distance* I don't appreciate you using my name like that.
Hagrid: Are you serious?
Harry: Yeah, the douchebag can't aim for shit, and ended up hitting…
Hagrid: I spen' good money on that bird, and yeh get it killed?
Ted: I'm starting to see what you mean about the adults in your life.
Andromeda: And I'm starting to want them out of my house *shoves the portkey at Harry and Hagrid, just as the portkey takes off*
*at the Burrow*
Harry: Well, I'm here at last.
Molly: But where are the others?
Harry: What, I wasn't supposed to be first here?
Ginny: Nope, Ron was supposed to be here first to, and I quote, "receive you".
Harry: And you were just going to let him?
Ginny: I only have issues with other women.
Molly: Anyway, Ron and Tonks were supposed to be here first, followed by Fred and Arthur, so…what happened?
Harry: I have no idea. All I remember is Dudley saying he called the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children on his parents, and then all of a sudden I was in Hagrid's motorbike surrounded by Death Eaters. Then Voldecunt *explosive thundercrack* killed Hedwig, which is just plain rude.
Hagrid: They were on us from the start. Like they knew we were goin' tah move 'im early from someone in the Order.
Harry: Hmm, now who do we know who was in the Order and is now a traitor?
Molly: It wasn't Snape, we made this plan after he left.
Harry: Oh. Well, in that case, my money's on Mundungus.
Molly: I'm not even prepared to doubt that.
Ginny: We've got incoming *points at a blue light flying towards them*
Molly: Ah, that'll be George and Remus *the two landed of them, and Lupin immediately starts carrying an unconscious and bloody George towards the house* WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY BABY BOY?!
Lupin: Snape happened, that's what. Now help me get him inside so we can treat him *Harry grabs George's legs and gets him inside and onto the couch* Thank you Harry. Now *grabs Harry and throws him against the wall* WHAT CREATURE WAS IN MY OFFICE THE FIRST TIME HARRY POTTER WAS THERE?!
Harry: Wha…
Lupin: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
Harry: I don't know, Kieran didn't have that in the Prisoner of Azkaban fic.
Lupin: Didn't stop the movie version getting it right, now answer.
Harry: …a…uh… *sees Ginny smiling maliciously* …grin… *sees a jar of pickles of the table* …dill… *Lupin squeezes harder* …oh…
Lupin: *lets Harry go* That's right, a grindylow.
Ginny: Aww, I was getting ready to avenge you when he killed you.
Harry: Ginny, no killing our allies.
Ginny: Aww, please?
Harry: Look, there's blood to play with over there. Go amuse yourself with that.
Ginny: *sigh* Fine.
Lupin: Sorry about that Harry, but someone betrayed us, and I had to be sure you were you.
Harry: How could I possibly have known the plan? I was apparently in a state of such catatonic shock when you guys arrived that I didn't realise what was happening until I was halfway to Tonks's parents' house.
Lupin: You did seem to be usually quiet.
Harry: Speaking of which, what was the plan?
Lupin: Ah, well, we disguised a bunch of people as you, sent them off with seven of our strongest witches and wizards, and went to seven different safehouses, where we all then took portkeys to come here.
Harry: Couldn't you have just brought a portkey straight to the Dursley's place?
Lupin: Well…
Harry: For that matter, why didn't you just apparate me? Or use the Floo Network?
Lupin: Because the Ministry are watching those.
Harry: And what are they going to do? This place is heavily warded against dark magic. Which also begs the question: why did you bring me here? This is literally the second place they'll think to look for me.
Lupin: …err… *loud crack from outside* Hey, someone else is back. Let's go see who it is, and finish this conversation never *runs outside*
Hermione: HARRY! You're alive.
Harry: Well, duh. We're only five chapters into a 30+ chapter book.
Kingsley: Hold on, we need to be sure that he is who he says.
Lupin: Already tested.
Kingsley: And how do we know you're who you say you are?
Lupin: "Harry is my favourite toy to mess with. Don't break him."
Kingsley: Ah, the last words Dumbledore spoke to the pair of us. Excellent.
Harry: Fucking Dumbledore.
Hermione: So, who else is back?
Harry: All the people from the that made up the pairs you see here, in varying states of completeness.
Hermione: Why do I not like the way you phrased that?
Ginny: *from inside* Hey guys, I made George's blood clot in the shape of his old ear.
Harry: *looking at her handywork* Ginny, I'm pretty sure George didn't have a devil horn on the side of his head.
Ginny: You never like any of my creations.
Hermione: What happened?
Harry: Snape used that laceration spell I used on Malfoy on him. How about you? Did anything happen with you guys?
Hermione: Well, we were being chased by Voldemort *thundercrack* for a little while, then he went off somewhere else.
Harry: Probably to chase me.
Kingsley: Why would he do that?
Harry: Somehow he figured out I was the real one.
Lupin: What did you do?
Harry: Oh, you know, tried to take out the Death Eaters around us. Stunning them, paralysing them, disarming them…
Lupin: You were only going to disarm some of them?
Harry: What's the problem? Wandless magic is incredibly difficult, especially powerful spells against moving targets.
Lupin: Yes, but they know you are very good at disarming spells.
Harry: Yeah? So are a lot of people, I assume.
Lupin: Yeah, but Expelliarmus is becoming your signature spell.
Harry: So?
Lupin: So now, whenever you're in disguise, they're gonna look for the guy disarming the enemy rather than killing or stunning them.
Harry: Good. Then I can suddenly switch things up and confuse them.
Lupin: …I mean, you could, but… *Arthur and Fred apparate in*
Fred: What's up, bitches? *complete silence* Okay, who died?
Harry: No-one yet, but…uh…you no longer have an identical twin.
Fred: Silly Harry, that would imply George is dead.
Harry: Don't worry, it's just the identical part that's missing.
Fred: What do you… *sees George* …oh… *kneels next to George* George, are you okay there buddy?
Ginny: Probably not. I find people don't tend to be okay when their ears are cut off. Or when their blood is on the outside of their bodies. Trust me, I've tested this extensively.
George: *waking up* Speak for yourself. I've never felt holier.
Ginny: *slightly smoking from having heard the H-word* AHHH! GET IT AWAY! *runs upstairs*
George: Get it? Because I've got a hole on the…
Harry: Yeah, we get it George. Very clever.
Fred: No it isn't. Honestly George, we talked about this *pulls out a book and starts flicking through it* I thought we agreed that our "lost an ear" jokes would be… *opens to a specific page* …either 'I feel like DEAF', or 'oh dEAR, what happened hEAR' while touching the area where the ear should be.
George: I forgot, okay?
Harry: You have an entire book for jokes to make when one of you loses a body part?
George: Or just any horrible injury in general, yes.
Harry: What if one of you died?
Fred: Why would one of us die?
Hermione: Anyway, where are Ron and Tonks?
Ron: *apparating in with Tonks* Don't worry, I am here.
Harry: Damn it, so close.
Tonks: Sorry guys, we missed the portkey. If Bellatrix wasn't so determined to kill me, we would have been fine.
Hermione: You managed to hold off Bellatrix Lestrange?
Tonks: It was so weird, she seemed a bit heavier than normal. Oh well, probably nothing to worry about.
Ron: And I took out a Death Eater too.
Harry: Really? You?
Ron: Yeah, he got really close to us, so I poked him in the eye with my wand.
Harry: I guess that's one way of doing it.
Molly: Okay, so that just leaves Moody and Mundungus, and Bill and Fleur…
Bill: *as their portkey arrives* Moody's dead.
Harry: I was wondering who the chapter title referred to.
Molly: What happened?
Fleur: Vell…
*flashback*
Moody: *flying* Now remember Mundungus, no matter what happens, stay on the broom with me. You got that?
Mundungus: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Voldemort: What's up, motherfuckers?
Mundungus: Fuck this shit, I'm out.
Moody: Don't you do it… *Mundungus apparates away* DAMN IT MUNDUNGUS!
Voldemort: …hey.
Moody: …Hi.
Voldemort: So…
Moody: Yeah, I'm just gonna…
Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA! *blasts Moody off his broom*
*back in the present*
Fleur: Zo that'z what happened.
Kingsley: It still doesn't explain who betrayed us.
Lupin: Mundungus.
Tonks: Mundungus.
Harry: Mundungus.
Hermione: Mundungus.
Molly: Mundungus.
Bill: Mundungus.
Fleur: Mundunguz.
Fred and George: Mundungus.
Kingsley: …okay, probably. Anyway, I've gotta get back to Downing Street, to make sure the muggle Prime Minister hasn't been corrupted *leaves*
Harry: Is he implying that a politician isn't corrupt?
Remus: Well, we better go and retrieve Moody's body.
Bill: I'll come with.
Fred: Yes, let the recently married man and the soon to be married man go to the recent warzone. That can't end in catastrophe.
Harry: Wait, what and what?
Tonks: Did you not know me and Remus got married? Or that Bill and Fleur are getting married soon?
Fleur: You're invited to our wedding, by zeh way.
Harry: Yeah, look, I've gotta go and…
Molly: OH NO YOU DON'T! *drags Harry back inside by his ear* Half my family just risked their lives to get you here, I'm not letting you out of my sight if I can avoid it.
Harry: Hey, HEY! Careful, or I'll look like George.
Molly: Ron, do NOT let him escape.
Ron: Yes mum.
Harry: God damn it *starts feeling his consciousness drift* Oh, COME ON!
*in Voldemort's mind*
Voldemort: You lied to me, Ollivander.
Ollivander: I did no such thing.
Voldemort: You told me another wand would work against the boy.
Ollivander: No, I told you that you needed a new wand that chose you.
Voldemort: Yeah, well, I decided that you said the other thing, so…CRUCIO!
*back in Harry's head*
Lupin: Harry, did you just go into Voldemort's *thundercrack* head again?
Harry: You think I can help that?
Lupin: Didn't Snape teach you how to not do that?
Harry: Think about who you just said there.
Lupin: …oh.