Molly: So Harry, because there's going to be a lot of people at this wedding, and someone's bound to recognise you, we're gonna need you to drink this Polyjuice Potion.
Harry: Uh, okay. I guess that makes sense. Who am I going to look like?
Molly: Oh, just some red-haired muggle kid from the village. We'll say you're a distant cousin, no-one will ever know.
Harry: That seems unethical.
Molly: It's fine, he'll never know.
Harry: How'd you even get the hair anyway?
Fred: I Accio'd it off his head.
Molly: Again, I did tell you to just pretend to trip near him and accidentally take a few strands on the way down.
Fred: Hey, I got them, didn't I?
George: He's also sort of bald now, but eh, whatever.
Harry: You two never cease to amaze me with how little you care for other people.
George: It's a talent we have.
Harry: Well, bottoms up I guess *looks at the potion* Err, is it a problem if the hairs haven't dissolved yet?
Molly: I believe you said bottoms up *forces the potion down Harry's throat*
Harry: Ugh…wait, was this kid even the same size as me?
Molly: You're about to find out.
Harry: *suddenly getting fatter* Well, I guess I need bigger dress robes.
Molly: Well, you should have thought about that before you drank the potion.
Harry: …fuck everything.
*later, outside the wedding marquee*
Harry: You know, won't people question why three brothers and a random cousin are the ones showing people to their seats?
Ron: What's weird about three brothers showing people to their seats at one of their other brother's wedding?
Harry: You know that's not what I meant.
Fred: Are you sure he knows that?
George: Yeah, shut up Barry.
Harry: I thought my name was Barny?
Fred: Trust me, no-one is going to remember that detail. Introduce yourself as literally anything, and no-one will know or care.
Harry: Okay, I'm going to introduce myself as Harry Potter.
George: Except that, obviously.
Ron: Speaking of which, here they come.
Fred: Excellent. Now remember George, when we see the Veela cousins…
George: I know, one for you, one for me.
Harry: Why stop at one?
Fred: We're not. I'm getting the first one, then George gets the second, I get the third, and so on in that fashion until…
Harry: Yeah, I don't need to know this.
Ron: Okay, first guest is…uh oh… *elderly witch stops in front of them*
Muriel: You! Seat me! Now!
Ron: Yes Aunt Muriel.
Muriel: And you *points at Harry* Who the fuck are you?
Harry: Lorenzo von Matterhorn.
Muriel: Another Weasley, huh? Can't say I remember you. Anyway Ronald, isn't that Harry Potter kid you're supposed to be friends with here?
Ron: Yeah, he's… *gets his mouth covered by George*
George: …unable to attend due to other commitments. You know how it is with these celebrity types.
Ron: *uncovering his mouth* But he's… *gets his mouth covered by Fred*
Fred: …super apologetic about it, and wishes he could be here.
Muriel: Hm, shame. I was hoping to talk to him about some of the things Rita Skeeter says about him.
Harry: All lies and slander, I'm sure.
Muriel: WHAT?! She's a reporter, I highly don't she'd make anything up. Why would she need or want to? And you *back at Ron* Hurry up and seat me. I'm 107, you shouldn't be keeping me on my feet like this.
Ron: Yes Aunt Muriel *leads her away*
Harry: Is she always like that?
George: Believe me, this was one of her better days.
Harry: Wow, that… *gets tapped on the shoulder*
Tonks: Hey, what's up?
Harry: Oh, uh, hi, I'm Michael Hunt, you can call me Mike…
Lupin: Don't worry Harry, we know it's you.
Tonks: Arthur already told us.
Harry: What's the point of me being in disguise if he's going to tell people?
Lupin: Sorry about ditching early on your birthday. The Ministry's just been very anti-werewolf lately, so…
Harry: Yeah, it's all good. No need to look so upset.
Tonks: That's not what it is. You see… *sudden loud crash*
Hagrid: Oops, sorreh.
Fred: Hagrid, did you not see the large, reinforced chair at the back here?
Hagrid: I did, I jus' wanted to be closer to the front.
George: You'd be blocking the view of everyone else though.
Hagrid: And yeh're point?
Luna: *stopping in front of Harry* Hi Harry.
Harry: Was there any point of putting me in disguise if everyone knows who I am?
Luna: Oh, I can just always tell it's you. Anyway, have you met my father?
Harry: You know damn well I haven't.
Xenophilius: So this is the famous Harry Potter, is it? Xenophilius Lovegood, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Harry: Xenophobius?
Xenophilius: What? No, that's literally the opposite of my name.
Harry: Sorry, that's just what your name sounds like.
Xenophilius: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Luna: Daddy, look, one of the gnomes in the yard bit me.
Xenophilius: Excellent Luna, now you'll have only good luck for the next day.
Luna: Yay *goes off to find a seat*
Harry: Is that actually a thing?
Xenophilius: Nope, just made it up. But if she believes it hard enough, she'll make it happen.
Harry: Ah, so nothing bad's going to happen at the wedding?
Xenophilius: Well, not to her at least.
Harry: …I don't like the sound of that *sees Xenophilius's necklace* Huh, weird.
Xenphilius: Oh, this? It's nothing, just…
Viktor: A symbol of hate is what it is!
Harry: What the? Viktor Krum?
Hermione: Viktor! You did make it.
Viktor: Somebody better remove dis man, before I remove him myselv.
Xenophilius: Why? What's wrong with…
Viktor: It is the symbol of Grindelwald, the man who murdered my grandfather.
Xenophilius: Why, no dear boy, it is…
Viktor: DO NOT DEFEND THAT MONSTER! *pulls out his wand* You will duel me, right here, right now.
Xenophilius: Now now boy, no need to get violent. Though I must say, that's a girthy wand you have there.
Viktor: That's how Gregorovitch makes 'em, now draw.
Harry: Ah, that's where I know the name Gregorovitch. Except no I didn't because the one time he was mentioned in the actual series before this point, Kieran decided to fill the chapter with horrible dick jokes.
Viktor: Quiet, random redhead that I've never met before, I'm about to…
Fleur: Take your zeat zo I can get married.
Viktor: Aww, but Fleur…
Fleur: Viktor, I'm a woman on her wedding day. That meanz I am currently more dangerouz than the genozidal maniac that'z terrorizing the magical community, now: Take. Your. Zeat.
Viktor: …yes ma'am *immediately takes a seat*
Fleur: …well? What about the rezt of you?
The rest of them: Yes ma'am *take their seats*
Celebrant: Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to mourn the passing of…why are you two standing up here?
Bill: This is a wedding, not a funeral.
Celebrant: Son of a bitch, why do I keep getting those two mixed up?
*at the reception*
Harry: Hi, may I sit here?
Elphias: Of course, dear boy. Who might you be, though?
Harry: Wow, someone who didn't immediately see through the disguise. I'm Harry Potter sir.
Elphias: Bullshit, you don't have the scar.
Harry: Didn't stop everyone else seeing through the disguise. So…I saw what you wrote about Dumbledore in the Daily Prophet.
Elphias: Really? How'd you like it?
Harry: I just said that I saw you wrote something, not what it actually said.
Elphias: Oh, of course. You youngens probably only read the vile shit that Rita Skeeter woman writes…
Harry: Oh God no. Even without reading either piece, I can already guarantee that whatever you wrote is far more accurate than Rita Skeeter…
Muriel: Did someone say Rita Skeeter?
Elphias: Yes, but…
Muriel: Because I love her. She's got an extremely good talent for sniffing out a story and getting the truth to the people.
Harry: She writes gossip pieces, usually with fabricated evidence.
Muriel: Don't be ridiculous child. Why would a talented reporter like her need to make anything up? It's ludicrous.
Harry: So people will buy her shit.
Muriel: Speaking of which, I should pre-order her book, so I can confirm my suspicions that Dumbledore killed his sister, had a huge spat with his brother at the funeral, and was a little too close with that Grindelwald guy.
Elphias: That's not what happened, and you know it.
Muriel: But it's what I decided happened, so it probably did. Plus, I daresay it's what Bathilda Bagshot told Rita Skeeter, either because it's true or because she's dotty. Well worth a trip to Godric's Hollow to get that info if you ask me.
Harry: Well, this feels like quite the info dump. I can't wait to tell… *sees something silver come into the marquee* …this doesn't bode well to me.
Patronus with Kingsley's voice: The Ministry has fallen, Rufus Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming *no-one reacts* This is where you all panic and run *everyone starts panicking and running*
Harry: …well, fuck.