Death Eater 1: Hey.
Death Eater 2: What's up?
Death Eater 1: Do you think Potter's actually in there?
Death Eater 2: Well, we've ruled out every other likely place.
Death Eater 1: Okay, better question: do you think he's gonna come out of there with his stuff to go to Hogwarts?
Death Eater 2: Honestly? No, but the boss seems to think he will.
Death Eater 1: Yeah but…why? I mean, he's escaped the boss several times now, does he really think he's stupid enough to just walk outside and…
Death Eater 2: Wait, did you see that?
Death Eater 1: See what?
Death Eater 2: Look *points out something that looks like a foot disappearing where Number 12 should be*
Death Eater 1: …so, we don't tell the boss we saw that, right?
Death Eater 2: Definitely not.
Voldemort: You know we're talking over Zoom, right?
Death Eater 1: …uh oh…
*inside Number 12, where the Trio ignore a flash of green from outside*
Harry: Guys, you are never gonna believe who the new Headmaster of Hogwarts is *slams the Daily Prophet on the counter*
Hermione: It's not McGonagall?
Harry: Nope. It's Snape.
Ron: Silly Harry, they wouldn't hire a murderer to look after children.
Harry: Ron, they shifted the blame to me.
Ron: But you didn't do it.
Harry: But oh boy did I want to.
Hermione: It also says Alecto Carrow is teaching Muggle Studies, and Amycus is teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Harry: Amycus teaching DADA, eh? Can't wait to hear about Ginny's first class with him.
Hermione: So I guess they're filling the staff with Death Eaters now.
Ron: Silly Hermione, McGonagall's not a Death Eater.
Harry: Yeah, if they'd gotten rid of ALL the teachers, that might look a little bit suspicious. Most likely they're there to protect the kids.
Ron: But if they're gonna protect us, why aren't we going to school?
Harry: Because we have a job to do.
Ron: And when do we get paid for it?
Harry: When Voldemort's *thundercrack* dead.
Hermione: Speaking of which, I was thinking we should…
Harry: Go after Umbridge tomorrow? Yeah, I agree.
Hermione: I was gonna say next week. What's the rush?
Harry: Hermione, I think we've learned everything we're gonna learn about the place, it's time to attack.
Hermione: And how do you think that's gonna go?
Harry: Well, we've got a plan of attack, so…probably terribly.
Ron: I thought it was a stealth mission, why do we need a plan of attack?
Hermione: We should go over the plan again.
Harry: You mean the plan that's probably going to go to Hell in a handbasket the second we step foot in the Ministry?
Ron: I didn't know we had a handbasket.
Kreacher: You guys are gonna die, you know.
Harry: No need to remind us Kreacher, we've already accepted our fates.
Kreacher: Just sayin', I'm going to enjoy having the house to myself again.
Harry: Look, as long as… *scar starts hurting* Oh, not this shit again *collapses and starts seeing what Voldemort sees*
Voldemort: *outside a house, knocking on a door* Knock knock *no-one comes* I said, knock knock *still no-one answers* God damn it, I said… *door suddenly opens*
Occupant: Kein Grund, so unhöflich zu sein, ich habe dich beim ersten Mal gehört *sees Voldemort* Was zum Teufel bist du?
Voldemort: Okay, you can stop speaking gibberish and tell me where Gregorovitch is.
Occupant: Sie kommen nach Deutschland und erwarten, dass die Menschen für Sie Englisch sprechen? Unhöfliche Fotze.
Voldemort: I said no more gibberish. Where's Gregorovitch?
Occupant: Sieht es so aus, als ob Gregorovitch noch hier lebt, du dummer Mistkerl?
Voldemort: That's it, killing the lot of you *pulls out his wand*
Hermione: Harry? Harry? Wake up.
Ron: He needs mouth to mouth resuscitation.
Harry: *springing awake* No I don't.
Ron: But I haven't started resuscitating you yet *opens his mouth to start resuscitation, only to be shoved aside by Harry*
Hermione: So what did you see?
Harry: Voldemort *thundercrack* brutally murdering an innocent German family. And before you say it…
Hermione: Harry, you're supposed to be trying to block those out.
Harry: The discussion I was trying to avoid.
Hermione: What if he uses the connection to manipulate you again? Seriously, go back to practicing Occlumency.
Harry: You mean that thing where my only instruction was "clear your head"? From Snape, of all people?
Hermione: Yes.
Harry: Speaking of which, what are we going to do about the painting of Phineas in the bedroom? Since he can go between here and Hogwarts…
Hermione: Already taken care of, he's in my bag. He can't see anything.
Phineas: But I can still hear everything.
Hermione: Oh, shut up *kicks the bag*
Kreacher: So does this mean Master isn't dead?
Harry: Not yet Kreacher.
Kreacher: Shame.
*the following morning*
Harry: Okay, is everyone ready?
Hermione: No, but I don't think that matters at this point.
Kreacher: I'll have a freshly baked pie to celebrate later.
Ron: Wow Kreacher, that's really thoughtful.
Kreacher: To celebrate you three being out of here, that is.
Harry: Seems about right. Okay, let's go.
*alley near the Ministry*
Harry: Okay, Polyjuice Potion's ready to go, fire door's open to hide the body, is there anything we're forgetting?
Ron: My kiss for luck?
Harry: No.
Ron: But I don't remember getting it yet.
Harry: As in it's not happening.
Ron: But I…
Hermione: Oh for fuck's sake *kisses him* There, happy?
Ron: …why did I like that?
Harry: Shh, here she comes *a sudden pop, and a witch appeared in the alley next to them* Now Hermione, get ready to…
Ron: I'm on it *smacks the witch with a frying pan, knocking her out*
Harry: Why did you do that?
Ron: Well you said we needed to knock her out.
Harry: WE HAD A STUNNING SPELL FOR THAT!
Hermione: Guys, shut up, we're wasting time *pulls out a couple of hairs, before hiding the body in the building*
Harry: Okay, drink up so you can deal with the next…
Ron: Don't worry, I've got this *holds up his frying pan*
Harry: No Ron, this time Hermione just gives him a… *a wizard appears in the alley with them, only for Ron to smack him with the frying pan* RON!
Ron: What? We needed him out of the way.
Harry: WE HAD A PLAN IN PLACE!
Ron: So did I.
Harry: Just…grab his hair and clothes, me and Hermione will throw him in the building with the other… *another pop in the alley*
Wizard: What the? Is that Harry Potter?
Harry: God fucking damn it. Ron?
Ron: Yes?
Harry: Do the thing.
Ron: What thing?
Harry: The thing with the frying pan.
Ron: We haven't done anything kinky with a frying pan.
Wizard: Umm…should I be…
Harry: Fine, I'll do it myself *grabs the frying pan and smacks the guy* There, that's better.
Hermione: Is that even the guy you're supposed to be impersonating?
Harry: I don't care, we have a government building to break into for the second time in as many years.
*in the Ministry Entrance bathroom*
Ron: Here, I'll show you how to get in.
Harry: No Ron, our reconnaissance missions told us how to flush ourselves in *steps into a stall*
Ron: *sighs* Fine, I'll just make a glory hole then *enters the adjacent stall*
Harry: *pulling the chain multiple times very quickly while a drilling sound could be heard* Come on, flush. FLUSH! *gets flushed as the hole was created*
Ron: Okay Harry, it's ready *nothing happens* Oh, you want me to do it? Okay *unzips, as someone steps into the stall Harry had been in*
?: What's this? *realises what it is* Well, don't mind of I do.
Ron: …that's not Harry.
*in the Ministry*
Hermione: Alright, we're in. Where's Ron?
Harry: Does it matter?
Ron: *zipping up as he joins them* Harry, how could you leave me to get mouth present from some random?
Harry: By doing exactly what I just did, obviously.
Hermione: Wait, who'd you get a mouth present from?
Yaxley: Cattermole!
Ron: Is he talking to me?
Harry: Yes, you idiot.
Yaxley: See me in my office later. One does not give away mouth presents and not expect one in return, especially when their wife is on trial downstairs *kisses 'Ron' on the cheek as he leaves*
Ron: What do I do? I don't love him or my wife like I love Harry.
Harry: Well, that's a you problem. You gotta take one for the team.
Ron: But won't you be…
Harry: Just do it *Ron leaves*
Hermione: *as they enter the elevator* So, are we going to talk about the giant muggle oppressing statue in the Atrium?
Harry: I'm more concerned about how we're going to find Umbridge in all… *Umbridge walks onto the elevator they're in* …never mind.