Umbridge: Ah, Mafalda. Excellent. Ready for another day of ridding the world of filth?
Hermione: Ridding the…
Umbridge: You know, eliminating mudbloods from the wizarding gene pool? Since they stole an actual wizard's magic.
Hermione: How do they even do that without magic to begin with?
Umbridge: Don't know, don't care, I just like feeding them to the dementors. Aren't you getting out, Albert?
Harry: *when no-one says or does anything* Oh, uh, sorry, just fascinated by your conversation. I'll be going now.
Umbridge: Well, straight down to the deep, dark dungeons then *the elevator closes behind them, leaving Harry alone*
Harry: Great, now I have to carry the humour of this fic by myself. Which I guess I do anyway, which makes it a miracle I don't have back problems.
Thicknesse: Hi Albert.
Harry: Oh, uh, hi?
Thicknesse: Whatcha doin' buddy?
Harry: Uh…nothing much, Minister.
Thicknesse: Well, you better start doing stuff, or I'll have to fire you. Haha, nah, I wouldn't do that. It's way too funny when you bring people in for being fake magic users. Anyway, have a good day buddy *immediately turns and walks straight into a wall, and continues to keep trying to walk through it*
Harry: Huh…weird…wonder what's going on with him…
*elsewhere*
Death Eater 1: *struggling with another Death Eater over a wand* The Dark Lord says it's my turn to control the Minister.
Death Eater 2: *trying to keep hold of the wand* No it isn't, I still have another five minutes with him.
Death Eater 1: *trying to steal the wand* No, you've had your hour, it's my turn.
*back at the Ministry*
Harry: *watching the Minister run around in circles, jump randomly, roll forward suddenly, and fire random spells all over the place* …yeah, I'm just going to go *leaves, putting on the Invisibility Cloak once out of sight of the Minister*
*later*
Harry: Now, if I was Umbridge's office, where would I… *sees a group of people making pamphlets, in front of an office with Moody's eye on the door* Well, that's convenient. And disrespectful to Moody, but I hardly expected better from Umbridge. What are these pamphlets even for?
Pamphlet: Muggleborns, And the Very Serious Threat They Pose to The Wizarding Community. And Why We Need to Round Them Up and Put Them in A Ca…
Harry: Yeah, I'm gonna stop reading now and break into Umbridge's office.
Worker 1: Does the disembodied voice know we can hear him?
Worker 2: Do you really care if Umbridge gets robbed?
Worker 1: Yeah, fair enough.
Harry: Now, let's see…ah ha, the Decoy Detonator. Just need to deploy this so these people won't report me to anyone at the Ministry…
Worker 2: Actually, Disembodied Voice, we wouldn't…
Harry: Bombs away *drops the Decoy Detonator, causing a sudden explosion of loud and annoying noises*
Worker 1: SON OF A… *covers his ears as he runs away, while Harry slips into Umbridge's office, seemingly unnoticed*
Harry: Well, first thing's first *yanks Mad-Eye's eye out of the door* Seriously, how did anyone think this was okay? Now, let's see what's in here *pulling out wand* Accio locket? *nothing happened* Yeah, didn't think so.
*meanwhile*
Umbridge: Huh, odd.
Hermione: What's wrong?
Umbridge: I thought I just felt…you know what? Never mind.
*back in Umbridge's office*
Harry: Ooh, Mr. Weasley has a file. Let's see…pureblood, married to a pureblood…strongly support muggles and muggleborns…seven kids, one at Hogwarts, one on his deathbed…currently being watched…member of the Order of the Phoenix…may be contacted by Undesirable Number One. Oh, gee, I wonder who that could be?
?: That would be me *Harry looks up and sees a poster of himself* And by extension that would mean you.
Harry: Gee, thanks me.
Poster Harry: I'm welcome.
Harry: Well, since I'm already crazy enough to talk to myself, is there anything else in this room I should be aware of?
Poster Harry: Well, she's got that Dumbledore book.
Harry: Like I'd be interested in something like *opens to a random page* Dumbledore hanging out with whoever this… *is about to read the caption when the door starts to open, causing him to throw the Invisibility Cloak back on*
Thicknesse: Don't worry everyone, if whoever dropped that thing is hiding in here, I'll take them out *opens the door as wide as possible and marches into the room* Well, looks like there's no-one here.
Worker 2: The disembodied voice was probably under an Invisibility Cloak.
Thicknesse: Excellent idea *pulls out wand* Accio guy under an Invisibility Cloak *nothing happens* Well, I tried.
Harry: *already in an elevator* Well, good thing he's an idiot. Anyway, this whole thing's been a bust. I guess I'd better just find Hermione and…
Ron: *getting into an elevator* Hi Harry.
Harry: Surprised you remembered what I looked like.
Ron: Oh, thank God, I've been saying that to everyone I've met in case it was you.
Harry: And you've probably blown our cover. Excellent. Well, now we've got to get Hermione from the court rooms, so we can… *elevator opens, and Arthur walks in, in conversation with someone else*
Arthur: I'm telling you Wakanda, I can't do it.
Wakanda: And I'm telling you to stop calling me Wakanda. It's Jennifer. Seriously, where'd you even get the name Wakanda?
Arthur: It just sounds so much cooler. And anyway… *sees Harry and Ron* Oh, hi Reg. Hi, Jerky McJerkface.
Wakanda: Arthur, you know he's name is Albert.
Arthur: But Wakanda, you know what he did to Dirk Cresswell.
Wakanda: Ugh, you're hopeless *leaves the elevator*
Arthur: I'm watching you, McJerkface. Always watching.
Harry: And you're always being watched.
Arthur: By you, no doubt.
Harry: No, by…
Arthur: Ooh, this is my floor. But anyway, always watching you. One slip-up, and POW! Right in the kisser. Bye Reg.
Ron: Bye dad.
Arthur: …wait, wha… *doors close*
Harry: Well, that's more cover exposed.
Ron: Speaking of exposing…
Harry: Ron, we've got a courtroom to crash. Probably your wife's.
Ron: Wait, you're on trial again?
Harry: Sure, let's go with that. Whatever gets you down to the courtrooms so I can use you as a human shield if needed.
*down in the courtrooms*
Harry: Hey, does it feel kinda cold down here?
Ron: Yeah, and depressing. Like all the happiness has been sucked out of the world.
Harry: Like all the…oh no, don't tell me…
Dementor 1: Why does it taste like noms just entered the room?
Dementor 2: Don't be ridiculous, we'd see noms if he was here.
Ron: How are we even supposed to know which one Hermione's in? *a door bursts open*
Wizard: But I told you, I'm a half-blood. I've shown you my family tree.
Umbridge: And I told you, I like feeding people to the dementors. Take him away.
Dementor 1: Nom time?
Dementor 2: Nom time *starts dragging the wizard away, who's screaming in terror*
Umbridge: Next: Mary Cattermole.
Harry: That's your wife.
Ron: But you're here Harry.
Harry: As in the guy you're impersonating's wife.
Ron: But why would I want to be anyone else for you?
Harry: Why did we agree to bring you along on this mission? Anyway, prepare to be married in 3…2…1… *shoves Ron out from underneath the Invisibility Cloak*
Ron: I do *notices that Harry is no longer visible, and Marry and Umbridge are staring at him in confusion* …uh…
Umbridge: …what just…you know what? I don't care. Get in the courtroom so I can convict you and send you to the dementors *walks back into the courtroom*
Mary: You wouldn't let them do that to me, would you Reg?
Ron: I'm not Reg, I'm… *gets jabbed by Harry* I mean, of course not honey *quietly to Harry* I hope that hard thing was your…
Harry: No, now get in there.
Marry: Did you say something honey?
Ron: I was just talking to… *gets jabbed again* …no-one.
Umbridge: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Mary Cattermole and a dementor's face.
Mary: Wait…
Umbridge: If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed…
Mary: I object.
Umbridge: No-one then? Great. I now pronounce you…
Hermione: Hey, that's a nice necklace you have there.
Umbridge: Oh, this old thing? *pulls out the locket* Yeah, I've had this for ages.
Harry: Oh, Dolly, why must you lie like that?
Umbridge: *suddenly alarmed* …wait…that voice…no…
Harry: *throwing off the Invisibility Cloak* STUPEFY! *blasts Umbridge*
Yaxley: What the? Cattermole, get him, and you get another mouth present.
Ron: Sorry sir, but he gives better mouth presents than you. STUPEFY! *blasts Yaxley*
Hermione: I got the locket.
Mary: What the hell is going on?
Harry: You just got parole.
Mary: Aren't you the one that arrested me?
Harry: Look, you can stay if you want, but…
Mary: The hell I will. Get me out of…
Dementor 1: The noms are leaving.
Dementor 2: Get the noms.
Harry: Oh for fuck's sake. EXPECTO PATRONUM! *blasts the dementors*
Dementor 1: Noms hurting.
Dementor 2: Retreat from the noms *bursts out of the door*
Witch: What's going on in there?
Harry: Come with me if you want to live.
Witch: You hear that? We're all gonna live *mass cheering*
Harry: Okay, just remember, there are a lot of us here, so we can't just all cram into the one elevator *gets shoved into the elevator with everyone else* Or maybe we can.
Ron: I can't feel my anything.
Mary: Reg, why do you have red hair all of a sudden?
Ron: Ah…well, you see… *elevator reaches the Atrium*
Reg: Mary? Who the hell is that?
Harry: Look, long story short, you may want to leave the co…
Reg: Wait, aren't you Harry Potter?
Harry: I mean, yeah, but…
Reg: HEY EVERYONE, IT'S HARRY POTTER! AND HE'S SAVING US ALL! *mass cheering*
Harry: DUDE! I am literally the last person who should be here. The Ministry will flip its shit when they…
Reg: Thank you, Harry Potter, for saving my wife. If there's anything I can do for you, Harry Potter, just name…
Harry: Please stop saying my name, before…
Yaxley: STOP HIM! It's Harry Potter.
Reg: Oh no, how did they find out that Harry Potter was here?
Harry: You are literally too stupid to function.
Hermione: Harry, come on already.
Harry: Oh, right, *runs and catches Hermione's hand, at the same time Yaxley does* Hi house *Hermione immediately apparates again* Bye house…wait…