Harry: *in front of an ugly tree* Here lies Mad-Eye Moody *drops his eye into a hole in front of the tree* Or, at least, what's left of him. You may have been a crotchety old bastard, but you were OUR crotchety old bastard, and you will be sorely missed. Rest it peace, Alastor *buries the eye before walking away*
Hermione: You know Harry, I feel like an eye that can see through things might be something we should hang onto. In fact, I'm sure Moody would even approve of us keeping it.
Harry: You know when it would have been beneficial to tell me that? BEFORE I left what little we have left of him in an unmarked grave in the woods.
Ron: We could always go back and get it.
Harry: To bad, we have to get going if we want to get food.
Hermione: It's not like we have anything we need to do. The tent's packed already, and we're in no rush to…
Ron: Oh, I get it, we need to destroy all traces that we were here. I got this.
Harry: Ron, this is a public campground. I doubt you need to…
Ron: *pointing his wand at where their tent was* Incendio *fire shoots out of his wand, immediately igniting several nearby trees*
Harry: Ah, yes, burning down the campsite. We just can't leave this place without doing that, can we?
Ron: Come on, we've got to get going.
Hermione: Wait, aren't there muggles living near here?
Harry: I'm sure they'll be fine *apparates with the others*
*meanwhile*
Mr. Roberts: OH FUCK, THE CAMPSITE'S ON FIRE AGAIN!
Mrs. Roberts: *sighing* I guess we'll have to go homeless while we rebuild again.
Mr. Roberts: You hear that, kids? We get to live in the car again.
Kids: Yay.
*later*
Harry: *under the Invisibility Cloak* Now, just need to sneak into this village and steal some…why do I feel cold and depressed?
Dementor 1: I sense noms nearby.
Dementor 2: But where is the noms?
Dementor 1: It must be here somewhere, keep searching.
Harry: Okay, that makes things difficult, but nothing a Patronus can't fix *pulls out wand* Expecto Patronus *nothing happens* …that can't be good. Expecto Patronus *still nothing*
Dementor 2: Did you hear something?
Dementor 1: It came from this alley.
Harry: And that's my cue to leave *apparates away*
*back at the tent*
Hermione: What do you mean you couldn't do a patronus? That's basically your thing.
Harry: I know, I just couldn't do it for some reason.
Ron: It's like some kind of cursed object was sucking all the good feeling out of you.
Harry: Yes, exactl… *sudden realisation* Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
Hermione: What is it?
Harry: Ron was actually right about something for once *takes off the locket* Here, someone else wear this.
Ron: If it's been touching you, I want to wear it.
Hermione: But why do we need to wear it? Can't we just leave it in the tent or something?
Harry: Hermione, after what we went through to get it, I don't want it out of one of our sights.
Ron: I'll wear it. Forever if you want.
Harry: Here Hermione, you wear it.
Hermione: Can't I just put it in my pocket?
Harry: And risk it falling out? No thanks.
Hermione: Okay, fine, but I hope you you're being ridiculous.
Harry: You won't be saying that when we figure out where the other horcruxes are and how to destroy them.
*several weeks later*
Harry: Okay, so this is taking a little longer than I thought.
Hermione: Putting it mildly. It's been weeks of no progress.
Harry: Hey, at least we ruled out one location. The orphanage where Vol…
Ron: But Harry, that was an apartment building.
Harry: I know, that's why I said it. Anyway, I still think there's one at Hogwarts.
Hermione: But why would he hide something at Hogwarts? It's where his literal worst enemy worked and lived.
Harry: And be perfectly protected. And honestly, I doubt Dumbledore would have noticed if an item of extreme evil entered at building anyway. Hell, one of his own teachers was a fake for a whole year and he didn't notice. In fact, one of his teachers WAS Volde…
Ron: But he'd find it.
Harry: He couldn't find a fucking Chamber with a giant fuck you snake in it. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if that's where the horcrux is hidden.
Hermione: …but he'd have found it by now.
Harry: Fine, whatever, say it isn't there if you want, but it's not like we have many other options to work with. I doubt it's at Borgin and Burkes, or in Albania.
Hermione: He could have one at Gringotts.
Harry: Yeah, I'd rather have confirmation on that before trying to rob a fucking bank.
Ron: But Harry, we've broken into a government building before. Twice. Surely a bank should be no problem.
Harry: I'm pretty sure it… *pauses* Did you hear that?
Hermione: Hear what?
Harry: That *voices are heard in the distance* We're protected, right?
Hermione: Yeah, why?
Harry: Because I don't particularly feel like fighting Death Eaters while we have a piece of their boss's soul in our possession.
Ron: I want to see who it is *goes to walk out of the tent*
Harry: *grabbing him* We don't even know who it is yet.
Ron: That's why I'm going to find out *goes to leave again*
Hermione: *also grabbing him* Or we can eavesdrop with the Extendable Ears.
Ron: Okay, but if they're friends then that's very rude of us *puts on Extendable Ear and listens to the newcomers*
Dirk: So, what's everyone's backstory for being on the run? I tried to fake my blood status, and then that jackass Runcorn figured out my family tree was a fake. Luckily I escaped enroute to Azkaban. You guys?
Ted: Oh, you know, being muggle-born and not wanting to register kinda pissed off the Ministry. The wife should be fine, she's pureblood.
Dean: As for me, my mum being a muggle and not knowing who my father is, kinda makes me look suspicious.
Dirk: Is it because you're black?
Dean: Oh, fuck you. I have a step-dad, you know. I just don't know my bio father.
Dirk: And again, is it because you're… *gets punched by Dean*
Dean: What about you goblins? I thought you were neutral.
Gornuk: We are. I left because they wanted to treat me like a common house elf.
Dirk: You're of a similar genus though, right?
Gornuk: I see you're not just racist to your own kind then.
Dirk: What? It's just an observation.
Ted: Well, Dirk's insensitivity aside…
Dirk: Hey, I find that offensive.
Ted: …how about you Griphook? Why are you on the run?
Griphook: Honestly? Just worried that Snape's going to figure out that sword I put in his vault is a fake.
Dean: Sword? You mean the one from his office?
Griphook: The very same. Some kids tried to steal it, so he decided it was safer in Gringotts than at the school. But we goblins can tell it was a fake. Hell, we were laughing at him before he even left the bank.
Ted: And you're worried he's going to come back and kill you?
Griphook: Is that not reasonable?
Ted: No, that's fair, considering what he did to George Weasley.
Gornuk: Honestly surprised he didn't do the same to his sister for trying to steal the sword.
*back in the tent*
Harry: Oh good, she's being difficult like I ordered.
Hermione: Shh…
*outside*
Dean: Yeah, I don't think anything Snape can do to Ginny is going to hurt her. She's some kind of demon. But you said she had help?
Gornuk: Word is the other two were named Fatass and Likenice…or something.
Dean: Longbottom and Lovegood? I mean, Luna I can see doing it, and Neville? Like…NEVILLE Neville?
Ted: You know them?
Dean: Neville's boggart IS Snape, and he's standing up to him like that? If that's true, he's taken a level in badass.
Ted: So what happened to them?
Griphook: I think they got horribly tortured.
Ted: Oh my God.
Griphook: Or got detention, one or the other.
Dean: How do you even get those two confused?
Griphook: Because we neither care or understand what you humans do to each other.
Dirk: So, what are we doing now, gents?
Dean: You can't honestly believe we want you around right now, right?
Ted: I mean, I guess the plan is to hide until Harry Potter defeats You-Know-Who.
Dirk: You don't actually believe he's this magical Chosen One or whatever, do you?
Ted: Yeah, I do actually.
Dirk: But the Daily Prophet…
Ted: Do you still believe anything in that after the way they Fudged up? You want facts, read the Quibbler. Xeno's really sticking it to You-Know-Who lately.
Dirk: Pfft, fat chance.
Dean: Look, I know Harry Potter. He's an arrogant, smartass, douchebag of a guy, but he can basically stumble his way through any situation. I think he might be the real deal.
*back in the tent*
Harry: Aww, thanks Dean. You're making me blush.
Ron: *in jealous anger* What?
*outside*
Dirk: Alright, I think we've expositioned enough for one night. Where we sleeping boys?
Dean: You? Who cares. Us, we have a spot under the trees.
Dirk: Alright, let's go.
Dean: *sighing* Son of a bitch.
*back in the tent*
Harry: So, Ginny tried to steal my sword for me.
Hermione: Tried to steal the fake sword, yes. Which means Dumbledore hid the real sword for you. But where?
Harry: Hermione, do you actually think Dumbledore knew or cared whether the sword was real or not?
?: For what it's worth, he definitely had the real one at some point.
Harry: …who said that?
Phineas: It is I, Phineas Nigellus Black, still in that bloody bag you shoved me in.
Harry: Ah, right…so, how do you know he had the real one?
Phineas: Well, he broke that ring that wrecked his hand with it.
Harry: The sword can destroy horcruxes?
Phineas: Well, duh. You're the one who filled it with basilisk venom, making it capable of destroying just about anything.
Harry: Well, that's helpful.
Phineas: You know what else would be helpful? Telling me where you are.
Hermione: Why in the hell would we do that?
Phineas: Well, it was worth a shot. I'm outta here *leaves, not that they can see this*
Harry: Well, at least we know that the sword can destroy horcruxes now. All we have to do is find it, and…
Ron: Harry, why don't you love me?
Harry: Are you only just realising that I…wait, when did you grab the horcrux?
Ron: You don't love me, and yet you let me believe it so I'd come and help you on a mission that you don't know how to complete. In fact, you just admitted to loving Dean.
Harry: Didn't do any of that, you just chose to believe it.
Hermione: Ron, put down the horcrux. It's a bad influence.
Ron: You know what? I will. And then I'll prove how impossible this mission is by finding the sword, which no-one knows the location of *slams the horcrux on the table and storms out*
Harry: *bored tone* No, Ron, come back…wow, I can't even sound sincere about that.
Hermione: Harry, he could die out there on his own.
Harry: That's one less problem for me *sees Hermione start crying* God damn it, how did I say the wrong thing here?
Author's note: Hey guys, does anyone know what's going on with FFN's email alerts? Anytime I go to the site, I have a message saying they've disabled my alerts, even though I've fixed the thing the way they said to. And while I've got your attention, feel free to vote in the poll on my profile so I know what I'm writing next (and given how long my current projects are going to be, that'll give me time to properly research it first).