Harry: So where are we now?
Hermione: The Forest of Dean. I went camping here with my parents once.
Harry: …wait, was it a good idea to say exactly where we are when we have a picture with us that could tell Snape our location?
Phineas: *from within Hermione's bag* Don't worry, I wasn't listening. But, uh, I have to go away now *leaves*
Harry: …well, can't be bothered leaving now, let's just camp for the night.
Hermione: And if someone finds us?
Harry: Hermione, we're in over a hundred square miles of forest. I doubt anyone's going to find us. Especially with how often we're moving.
Hermione: What about the last place we camped? You said you heard and saw someone moving around?
Harry: Uh…yeah…
*flashback*
Harry: Hopefully nothing bad happens here.
?: Harry? Are you around here?
Harry: …that better not be who I think it is…
?: Harry? I can sense you're nearby. Tell me where you are.
Harry: Please don't let him find me?
?: Harry? *red hair appears from behind a rock*
Harry: *scrambling back inside* Hermione, we have to leave immediately.
*back in the present*
Harry: Yeah…that's what happened.
Hermione: Anyway, you took first watch last night, I should take it tonight.
Harry: No, I want to be sure that whoever found us last night doesn't turn up again.
Hermione: Why would they? They weren't around when we left.
Harry: I want to be sure.
Hermione: Suit yourself. I'm gonna get some sleep in the warm tent.
Harry: Pfft, you think a little cold is going to affect me?
*later*
Harry: I take it back, a little cold is bad.
Hermione: *from inside* I told you so.
Harry: Fuck you… *sighs* Well, guess I'm sitting out here for a while. Hopefully nothing exciting happens *silver light appears* Yeah, should have seen that coming the second I said that *silver light turns into a doe patronus* I need to follow you, don't I? *doe nods* And whoever made you isn't giving me a choice, are they? *doe shakes its head* God damn it *gets up and leaves*
Hermione: Harry, who are you talking to? *no answer* Harry?
*deep in the forest*
Harry: Okay, where are you leading me so I can get killed? *doe nods towards a frozen over pond* Something in there, then? *looks though the ice and sees the Sword of Gryffindor* Well, that's convenient. Hey, can I talk to your… *doe vanishes* …son of a bitch, I've gotta get that out of there. And since all these woollen clothes are going to weigh me down… *looks around* Good, Ron didn't hear that *strips off* And after everything we had to go through to get this horcrux, I'm keeping it on, even though I'll only be underwater for less than fifteen seconds and it can probably sense that I'm getting something to kill it.
Horcrux: *suddenly waking up* Wait, you're WHAT?!
Harry: Well, down I go. DIFFINDO! *ice cracks* Let's go *jumps into the water*
Horcrux: Oh no you don't *starts trying to drag Harry back to the surface, strangling him*
Harry: …probably should have…seen this…coming…
?: Oh no you don't.
Harry: …Oh, fuck *passes out*
*later*
Harry: *springing awake* QUIT FONDLING MY BALLS!
Ron: I finished doing that ten minutes ago.
Harry: And you didn't think to redress me in that time?
Ron: Why would I want to do that after so long away from you?
Harry: Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose a few toes from frostbite.
Ron: You won't lose them.
Harry: Really?
Ron: Yeah, I'm keeping them in a jar for you *shows him the jar with several of his toes*
Harry: …please tell me that's all you're putting in that jar.
Ron: And then I'm going to fill it with my…
Harry: Okay, enough of that. Why are you here?
Ron: Because I sensed you were getting naked, and I knew I had to come back.
Harry: Yeah, but, why now?
Ron: I told you, I was going to find the sword no-one knows the location of, and I did *holds up the sword*
Harry: I…guess that's true…
Ron: So, do you love me now?
Harry: Can we destroy the horcrux first?
Ron: Aww, that wasn't part of the deal.
Harry: Ron, it just tried to kill me.
Ron: WHAT?! Let me at it, let me at it.
Harry: *putting the horcrux on a rock* Okay, here's what you've gotta do. I'm going to open it by speaking parseltongue, then you just have to swing that sword and destroy it. Surely not even you can screw that up.
Ron: And what are you going to do?
Harry: I'm going to get dressed before I lose any more toes.
Ron: If you do, can you put them in the jar?
Harry: *sighs* Just…whatever *in parseltongue* Open *horcrux bursts open* Alright Ron, do the thing *starts getting dressed*
Horcrux: Ronald Weasley…
Ron: That's my name, don't wear it out.
Horcrux: I've seen your mind…I've seen your fears…
Ron: That sounds like a privacy breach. Do you work for Adobe?
Horcrux: Unloved by a mother who just wanted a daughter…overlooked by others for being friends with the boy who lived…even the girl who loves him prefers the company of Harry Potter…
Ron: Since when is Lavender in love with Harry?
Horcrux: Your insecurities…let me show you… *cloudy versions of Harry and Hermione appear in front of Ron*
Horcrux-Harry: You'll never be anything Ron.
Horcrux-Hermione: He can't even begin to understand his own insignificance. Harry, shall we consummate our love?
Horcrux-Harry: What a great idea Hermione *begins passionately kissing Horcrux-Hermione, removing clothes as they go*
Ron: NOOOOO! Harry loves me! *swings sword hard at the horcrux*
Horcrux: Oh shi… *gets smashed by Ron*
Harry: *finally dressed* Okay, let's see how you screwed this u… *sees the smashed horcrux* Wait, you actually did it?
Ron: Yeah, it was making up some vicious lies about you loving Hermione and not me, so I smashed it with the sword.
Harry: …I mean, I guess she's more of a sister to me than anything, but…
Ron: Hermione's your sister? Why didn't you say so?
Harry: No, I mean she's…
Ron: Come on, let's go show your sister the destroyed horcrux *leaves*
Harry: She's not my…whatever… *follows him*
*back at the tent*
Hermione: Where the fuck have you been?
Harry: You're never going to believe it…
Ron: Hi Harry's sister.
Hermione: …what?
Harry: I said you were like a sister to me and he misinterpreted that.
Hermione: No, what is he doing back?
Ron: Being useful *shows her the broken horcrux and sword*
Hermione: I'm…missing a lot here, aren't I?
Ron: Look, all you need to know is that I'm back for good, and it's all thanks to this *shows them the Deluminator*
Harry: How the fuck did that help?
Ron: I don't know, it just did. And that's all the explanation we're going to get about that. Oh, also I have a spare wand now.
Harry: Good, because I broke mine.
Ron: That's okay Harry, my wand will do the…
Harry: No, you won't. Wait, where'd you get a spare wand anyway?
Ron: Oh, when I go kidnapped after leaving you. I had a lot of crazy adventures while I was gone. It all started when…
Harry: Don't care, going to bed.