Chapter 21: The Story of the Bro Trio

Xenophilius: So, what would you like to know about the Deathly Hallows?

Harry: Well, for starters, what are they?

Xenophilius: Have you heard The Tale of the Three Brothers?

Hermione: Don't change the subject.

Xenophilius: I didn't.

Ron: Silly Xenophobe, we want to know about potentially mythical artifacts, not a fairy tale.

Xenophilius: They're connected, I swear.

Harry: Well, this is either gonna be a waste of time, or all the information we'll ever need. And since we have literally nothing else to go on, let's see where this goes.

Hermione: I've got the story here *pulls out The Tales of Beedle the Bard*

Xenophilius: Excellent. I'll just be…paying very close attention to everything you say, of course *starts staring out a window*

Hermione: *reading* There were once three brothers who were travelling along a lonely, winding road at twilight…

Ron: Mum always said midnight.

Hermione: Your mum's not here right now, and the book says twilight.

Ron: That's fine. Twilight's good. Better even.

Harry: I can assure you it's not, and Cedric would agree.

Hermione: Can I read now?

Harry: Only if it leads to a cool animated sequence to tell the story.

Hermione: *sighs* Whatever *begins reading again* There were once three brothers who were travelling along a lonely, winding road at twilight…

the story*

Ignotus: Look brothers, the bridge is out.

Antioch: So? We wade across the river like men.

?: *unseen* Yes, do it.

Cadmus: Hmm…mother told us not to trust unseen voices. I think we should find another way across.

?: No, do as the oldest brother says. He's oldest, therefore wisest.

Antioch: The unseen voice does make a good point.

Ignotus: And what happened the last time we listened to what you said?

Antioch: I swear, I thought they were women.

Cadmus: Gentlemen, we can make a bridge out of this dead tree.

Ignotus: Excellent idea.

?: No, terrible idea.

Cadmus: On three. One…two…

Antioch: *pointing his wand at the tree* Fac pontem *the tree becomes a bridge across the river* Done.

Cadmus: I was going to say we could just move it without magic.

Antioch: Why have wands if we're not going to use them? And as I truly believe, the more powerful, the better.

Cadmus: You go ahead and believe that, at least this dead thing has been put to some use, unlike my poor dead Beatrice.

Ignotus: Can we get out of here before someone sees us?

?: Too late *something swoops down, revealing themselves to be Death* …'sup?

Ignotus: …uh…hi?

Antioch: I'm guessing you're pretty mad we avoided the deadly river.

Death: Of course I… *has a sudden idea* …am not. In fact, I want to reward you.

Ignotus: …really?

Death: Of course. Given that you're all so smart and such.

Antioch: Damn right we are.

Death: So I'm going to give each of you a present. Anything your heart desires, you can have.

Ignotus: …guys, I think this is a trap.

Antioch: Pfft, do you really think we can't trust the grim reaper?

Ignotus: Yes, I do think that.

Antioch: Well, sucks for you then *turns to Death* Okay bony, give me the most powerful wand in the world.

Death: Your wish is granted *reaches into a nearby elder tree and pulls out a wand* Behold, a wand that will make owner the most powerful wizard in the world, unless he should be defeated. I give to you, Antioch Peverell.

Antioch: Sweet *flicks the wand at a thicket of trees, reducing them to ashes instantly* This is going to be fun.

Death: *turning to Cadmus* And for you?

Cadmus: You know what? You took my dear Beatrice from me before her time, you're going to give me a way to resurrect the dead.

Death: Granted *pulls a stone from the river* Turn this over in your hand three time while thinking of who you wish to see, and they shall appear before you.

Cadmus: Oh ho, you are going to regret giving me this.

Death: Believe me, I won't *turns to Ignotus* And for you, what do you want?

Ignotus: You know I don't trust you, right?

Death: You'd be stupid if you did.

Antioch: But I trust you.

Death: Case in point. Still, you get something from me, whether you trust me or not.

Ignotus: Okay…since I believe you're going to use these gifts to get us killed somehow, I want a way to hide from you for as long as possible.

Death: Granted *pulls off a piece of his cloak* This shall keep you hidden from anything, forever, no matter how hard they search for you.

Ignotus: Hmm…I'm sure there's a catch, but I'm not sure what it is.

Death: And with that, I'll see all of you VERY soon *leaves*

Antioch: Pfft, not likely. I've got an invincible wand. No-one can kill me *departs in one direction*

Cadmus: Hell, you'll have to get through an army of the undead to get to me *departs in another*

Ignotus: They're both fucked *disappears*

later, at a nearby town*

Antioch: *kicking in the door to the local pub* Hello, William.

William: *getting up from the bar* Hey, Anti-Cock. And I know that's what you have after me and the boys tricked you and your brothers into banging us *entire bar laughs at him*

Antioch: That only happened once.

William: Then why'd you go for round 2 with me?

Antioch: That's it. We duel. Right here, right now.

William: Well, if you insist *casually pulls out his wand* But this is anything like the last time we pulled our wands together, you'll blow your load WAY before I get to finish you off.

Antioch: Oh yeah? Well how do you like… *quickly pulls his wand out* …this *blasts William so hard he flies out the back of the building*

Bartender: Holy shit, what the hell happened?

Antioch: It's all thanks to my brand-new wand.

Bartender: You got a new wand?

Antioch: Yep. From Death himself, no less. Completely unbeatable, as long as I own it and don't get defeated.

Bartender: Really? Hmm…allow me to buy you a beer or two dozen.

Antioch: Damn right you will.

later that night*

Antioch: *in-between snores* I'm the best…I'm the best…I'm the best…

Bartender: *sneaking in* Not for much longer, douchebag *pulls out a knife, and stabs Antioch, killing him*

Antioch: *in the afterlife, still snoring* I'm the best…I'm the best…I'm the… *suddenly wakes up* What the hell?

Death: Hey buddy.

Antioch: Oh, hey. Come to be humiliated by me again?

Death: Do you have any idea where you are?

Antioch: In my room at the inn. Duh.

Death: Guess again *indicates around them*

Antioch: But…but…my wand…

Death: Can't help when your opponent has a knife. And you're asleep. And drunk.

Antioch: God damn it.

later, at Cadmus's house*

Cadmus: Okay, time to see if this thing really works *turns the Resurrection Stone over in his hand* Beatrice, come back to me *a figure appeared before him* Beatrice?

Beatrice: Cadmus?

Cadmus: Beatrice? It really is you. I missed you so… *tries to hug her, but goes through her* …what the…

Beatrice: Why did you bring me back?

Cadmus: Because you were unfairly taken before your time.

Beatrice: Yeah, five years ago. I'm at peace now.

Cadmus: But…but I love you…

Beatrice: Wait, have you been mourning me this whole time?

Cadmus: I just want you back…

Beatrice: Oh my God, what a loser, crying over a dead girl *calling to the afterlife* Hey everyone, this guy simps for dead girls. Get over here and laugh at him.

The entire afterlife: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Cadmus: Stop it…stop it…STOP IT! *afterlife continues laughing at him* Stop it, or I'll kill myself *points his wand at himself*

Beatrice: Do it, pussy.

Cadmus: *wand shaking as he held it* I'll do it. I'll… *sigh* I can't do it *lowers wand*

Beatrice: Pussy.

Cadmus: *picks wand back up* That's it. Adava Kedavra *kills himself*

Death: Things didn't go the way you thought?

Cadmus: Shut up.

Death: Now to just find your brother…wait, what the fuck? Where is he?

Cadmus: Well, you did give him your invisibility cloak.

Death: No matter. I'm immortal, he's not. I don't need to sleep, he does. I'll find him soon enough, just watch.

eighty years later*

Ignotus: *lying in his deathbed* Son…I think it's about time I told you something…

Son: What is it father?

Ignotus: I'm…not really permanently invisible…I've just been under a cloak all this time…

Son: Wait, really? How long have you had that on?

Ignotus: …about eighty years? Give or take.

Son: But…you only met mum seventy-five years ago…how could you…

Ignotus: Look, trust me, it was a very difficult courtship, and then conceiving you was a whole other ordeal…

Son: Okay, I get it. But why would you do that?

Ignotus: Well, I didn't want Death tracking me down after me and my brothers bested him, so I just kept the cloak on for safety.

Son: Did you boast about having a powerful Invisibility Cloak like Uncle Antioch? Or get taunted by spirits like Uncle Cadmus?

Ignotus: Well, no…

Son: Then why keep it on?

Ignotus: Well, I…err…oh, hey look at the time, I gotta go.

Son: But you don't have anywhere to… *checks pulse* …oh, he's dead. Well, guess the cloak's mine now *strips the cloak off his father* Fuck he's old.

Death: HAHA, finally found the bastard.

Son: Holy shit, you're real?

Death: Don't worry, I don't have to collect you for another three weeks.

Son: Well, that's good to…wait, what?

Death: As for you…

Ignotus: Yeah, yeah, I know, you're taking me to the afterlife.

Death: Damn right. You're ten years overdue there as it is.

Ignotus: Really? Is that the record?

Death: Nah, Keith Richards has sixty years and counting.

Ignotus: Damn it…

back in the present*

Hermione: And that's the story.

Harry: Okay, but what has this got to do with the Deathly Hallows? *sees Xenophilius is just staring out the window* Uh…Mr. Lovegood?

Xenophilius: Huh? *realises that the story is over* Oh, right. Umm…what were we talking about again?

Harry: The Deathly Hallows. Specifically, what are they?

Xenophilius: Oh, right, yes. Um…have you heard The Tale of the Three Brothers?

Harry: We just finished that.

Xenophilius: Ah, so you do know what they are then.

Ron: Guys, even I'm starting to think he's a crazy old man.

Xenophilius: Don't you realise? The Hallows are what the brothers asked for.

Hermione: You expect us to believe that not only does Death exist, but he gave gifts to three random people for making a bridge?

Harry: Hermione, that's not even the craziest thing to happen to us in the last five chapters.

Ron: Well then, where are these Deathly Hallows?

Xenophilius: We, uh…have no idea.

Harry: Well, that's about as useful as I thought he'd be. Come on guys, let's go.

Xenophilius: NO! You can't go yet.

Harry: Yeah, you're right. We should say hi to Luna first, then go *starts heading upstairs*

Xenophilius: Wait, don't go… *sees Harry get to the top of the stairs, look at Luna's room, and come back downstairs*

Harry: So, how long's Luna been missing?

Hermione: …what?

Harry: Well, it's Christmas holidays, but Luna's bed has clearly not been slept in. In fact, there's a thick layer of dust on everything. Very suspicious, considering we can use magic to take care of that if we want.

Xenophilius: Please, just…let them take you. Maybe I can get my daughter back.

Harry: Hmm, gonna go out on a limb here and say that you called the Death Eaters already, and you're waiting for them to show up so you can hopefully trade me for her.

Xenophilius: …maybe *hears a knock at the door* Would you be willing to stick around for a few minutes?

Harry: Of course *watches Xenophilius go down the stairs* THAT SON OF A BITCH!

Hermione: You do understand he's doing this to save his daughter, right?

Harry: That doesn't make him not a son of a bitch.

Ron: How are we going to get out of this Harry?

Harry: Simple. We just…

Ginny: *who's been looking in the window the whole time* FLIPENDO! *hits the Erumpent horn, exploding the building* Hopefully that teaches him a lesson for trying to turn in my Harry *checks in the kitchen window to see Xenophilius is still alive* God damn it.

Death Eater 1: The fuck is this Lovegood?

Death Eater 2: You trying to get us killed?

Xenophilius: No, I…

Death Eater 1: You know we don't like that. CRUCIO! *Xenophilius starts screaming in pain*

Ginny: Eh, good enough for me *leaves*

Death Eater 2: I bet Potter isn't even here, he's just snapped and is going on a rampage to get his daughter back.

Xenophilius: I told you when you took her, if you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't…I'll also not look for you, or pursue you, because you will find me, and you will kill me. But I swear though, Potter is actually here.

Death Eater 1: I'll be the judge of that. Homenum Revelio *a couple of seconds pass* Holy shit, there's three of them upstairs*

Death Eater 2: Yeah, stairs that are now blocked.

Death Eater 1: You. Get up there and unblock that.

Xenophilius: You just tortured me and are both holding your wands. Why don't you…

Death Eater 2: CRUCIO! *Xenophilius screams in pain for a few seconds before the spell ends*

Xenophilius: Okay, fine…douchebag *starts moving the rubble with his hands*

upstairs*

Ron: So what was that plan, Harry?

Harry: Well, before your sister so rudely blew up the house, the plan was to get under the invisibility cloak and walk out the door, before apparating away. But now we need to figure out something else, because…you know…

Hermione: Well, I have an idea.

Harry: Is it a good one?

Hermione: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Ron, get under the cloak.

Ron: Oh boy *gets under the cloak*

Harry: Ron, stop touching my butt.

Ron: That doesn't sound like part of Hermione's plan.

Hermione: *pointing her wand at the stairs* Any second now…

Xenophilius: *finally getting up the stairs* Hello children.

Hermione: Obliviate! *hits Xenophilius with the spell*

Xenophilius: Hello people who broke into my house. How can I help you?

Hermione: *pointing wand at the floor* Reducto! *floor explodes under them*

Death Eater 1: What the fuck? *sees them* Holy shit, it's Potter and that mudblood bitch.

Hermione: Indeed it is. Bye *grabs Harry and apparates away*

Death Eater 2: So you caught him, and didn't think to restrain him?

Xenophilius: …maybe? What are we talking about again? Also, who are you?

Death Eater 1: …you know what? One last Cruciatus for the road.

Xenophilius: Oh boy, that sounds like fun.

Death Eater 2: Oh, it is *points wand at Xenophilius* …for us.

Author's note: "His name is Voldemort, Filius. You might as well use it, he's going to try to kill you either way." RIP Dame Maggie Smith, the best damn teacher Hogwarts will ever see.