Chapter 22: The Wand, the Stone, and the Cloak

Hermione: So we're in agreement, that was a waste of time right?

Harry: I wouldn't say that necessarily.

Hermione: Oh, come on Harry. I know you believe in magic, but you can't seriously tell me you believe that Death himself decided to gift a bunch of wizards the tools to become the Masters of Death, can you?

Harry: Hermione, you teleported us here not five minutes ago. How do you not believe in magic after all this?

Hermione: That's not important right now.

Ron: I believe you Harry.

Harry: I believe you can also let go of my butt.

Ron: No can do *gets pushed off by Harry*

Harry: But anyway, let's talk about what we learned.

Hermione: You mean nothing?

Harry: Or the fact that we already have one of the Hallows *holds up the invisibility cloak*

Hermione: Harry, you've had that for years. There's no way that Dumbledore would give you an ancient artifact as an eleven-year-old.

Harry: That seems like exactly the sort of thing he would do. Plus, this was my dad's. That means it has kept its invisibility for over twenty years at this point. Aren't other invisibility cloaks supposed to have lost their invisibility in that time?

Hermione: Harry, everyone knows that things were made to last back then.

Harry: You'd think the magic would be consistent though. But no, other spells wear off over time.

Hermione: Okay, fine. Let's pretend that you're right…

Harry: Which I am.

Hermione: …where are the other hallows?

Harry: I have a theory about the stone *pulls out the snitch*

Hermione: Harry, that's not a stone.

Harry: I know that. I reckon the stone's inside it though.

Hermione: What's your proof?

Harry: *shakes the snitch, which has a rattling sound inside* Does that count?

Ron: I'll count it.

Harry: If your vote counted for anything, that would be great.

Hermione: Literally anything could be in there.

Harry: Hermione, they're in the title of the fucking book, I'm gonna get them somehow. Plus, I'm pretty sure I saw the stone on the ring that Marvolo Gaunt had.

Hermione: Only pretty sure?

Harry: Yeah, Kieran didn't think to mention the whole Peverell link back in Half-Blood, so I can't be sure, but…

Hermione: Okay, fine. You've found one, maybe two. Where's the wand?

Harry: That's probably what Volde…

Ron: He's searching for it?

Harry: Yes Ron, that's what I was about to say. He probably doesn't care about the other two though, given that one was attached to a horcrux.

Hermione: Alright, enough of this. We need to figure out where he's keeping the other horcruxes. Because apparently you guys think that'll kill him.

Harry: And while we're at it, I'll see if I can figure out where Voldy is, so we can potentially find the wand.

Ron: And I'm going to listen to Potterwatch.

Harry: The fuck is that?

Ron: You know, the radio show that started to help people know what You-Know-Who's up to these days?

Harry: That seems unsafe.

Ron: Oh yeah, totally, especially if a Death Eater somehow guesses the password for tuning in, since they announce the next password at the end of each broadcast.

Hermione: Is it easy to guess the passwords?

Ron: It's usually something to do with the Order. You know what? I'm gonna start guessing now, hopefully I can get in.

Harry: What if they're not broadcasting right now?

Ron: What if they are? *pulls out his wand and starts tapping the radio* Okay, let's see… 'sexy Harry' *nothing happens* hot Harry *nothing happens* seductive Harry *nothing happens*

Harry: I hate everything that's going on right now.

later*

Ron: Kissable Harry *nothing* provocative Harry *nothing* steamy Harry *suddenly the radio springs to life* HA! Got it.

Harry: You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Ron: Shh…radio.

on the radio*

Lee: …but now that we've found somewhere that the Death Eaters hopefully aren't going to find us, we're back on the air. And even better, I've got two of our regular contributors with me tonight. How's it going?

Kingsley: River, while I do like being here on the show, don't you think it's somewhat risky broadcasting pro-Potter messages at this time?

Remus: Especially from…here?

Lee: Oh relax Romulus, no-one's ever gonna find… *door suddenly opens*

Lee's mother: Lee darling, do you and your little friends want some milk and cookies?

Lee: MUM! I'm trying to broadcast pro-Potter messages right now. And I told you to call me River when I'm on air.

Lee's mother: Oh, okay, River. Do you and your little friends want some milk and cookies?

Lee: Of course we do. Now leave us alone.

Lee's mother: Okay sweetie, mummy loves you *kisses Lee before she leaves*

Kingsley: Again, I question the wisdom of broadcasting from…

Lee: Oh, shut up Royal. What can you tell us about who's died this week?

Kingsley: Does anyone think it's pretty fucked up that we have a regular segment just for those who've died?

Remus: No-one's denying that Royal. But we might as well say who's on the list.

Kingsley: Well, first on the list is Ted Tonks and Dirk Cresswell, we also have a goblin named Gornuk. They are believed to have been travelling with another goblin, and a muggle-born named Dean Thomas. If anyone has any information about their whereabouts, you should…

Lee: Let his family know so they know not to worry about him?

Kingsley: What? No, you need to keep it secret. He's in extreme danger in the current climate. Anyway, Bathilda Bagshot was also discovered to be dead.

Remus: Well, that's pretty tragic.

Kingsley: Oh, you don't know the half of it. Her body showed clear signs of having been attacked by dark magic.

Lee: Yeah, it really sucks…

Kingsley: And not just any dark magic. Like, her body was completely mangled.

Remus: Royal, we get it.

Kingsley: Her remains were just…EVERYWHERE…

Lee: ROYAL!

Kingsley: Oh, right, and there was also a muggle family of five that got slaughtered. And that concludes the ones we know about.

Remus: Should we have a moment of silence for them?

Lee: Nah, last time we were quiet for a minute, the equipment started playing music to cover up the dead air.

Kingsley: Well that's not so bad, is it?

Lee: It played that fucking Mariah Carey song. I don't need to say which one, my description alone tells everyone everything they need.

Remus: Should I talk about whether I think Harry's still alive?

Lee: We already know you think he is.

Remus: You don't know that.

Kingsley: So you think he's dead?

Remus: Well…no…

Lee: Exactly. Now, onto our new correspondent for news on the Chief Death Eater, Rodent.

Fred: I told you, I want to be called Rapier.

Lee: And I want to be called George Clooney. Life's not fair buddy. Now, what can you tell us about Voldetwat?

Fred: Well, going by all the reports regarding his sightings, he's cloned himself. Seriously, there's been that many sightings that we're only paying attention to the most credible ones.

Lee: Which are?

Fred: That he's gone abroad, possibly to see if anyone else wants to willingly join his regime, before he forces them to do so.

Kingsley: Whether he's abroad or not though, just remember: constant vigilance.

Lee: That's a great segue into telling everyone that next time's password is 'Mad-Eye'. Good night everyone.

back in the tent*

Ron: It's great, isn't it?

Harry: I especially like how they called Voldemort 'Voldetwat' *loud crack from outside*

Hermione: What the hell was that?

Ron: Oh, did I forget to mention that saying You-Know-Who's name now summons Snatchers to your location?

Harry: GOD DAMN IT RON!