Chapter 23: Draco's House
Harry: Ron, why didn't you tell us that Voldy's name is jinxed?
Ron: It must have slipped my mind. Whoops.
Harry: Pretty big fucking thing to slip one's mind, douchebag.
Ron: Speaking of pretty big things slipping somewhere…
Harry: No Ron, just no.
Snatcher 1: Alright, you're surrounded. Come out peacefully, and we'll rape the tent and burn the women.
Snatcher 2: Isn't it the other way around?
Snatcher 3: And isn't it supposed to be 'or' we'll do that?
Snatcher 1: I know what I said.
Harry: Excellent, they're stupid. We might be able to… *sees Hermione pointing her wand at him* Uh…what are you doing?
Hermione: Sorry Harry *blasts him with a spell*
Harry: W'at tha hel' 'mione? I 'as gonna say we 'ide unda the c'oak 'til dey lef'.
Hermione: …oops…
Greyback: Alright, we're coming in *bursts through the door* Well, well, well, look who we have here.
Snatcher 1: A woman? I can burn her. But do I want to do that before or after I rape the tent? Decisions, decisions…
Greyback: Oh, shut it Scabior. Grab the kids and drag 'em outside for interrogation. Then you can rape and burn whatever you want.
Scabior: YAY! *drags Ron outside by his hair*
Hermione: *getting dragged outside* Hey, let me go, LET ME GO!
Greyback: In a moment, sweetheart. What's your name?
Hermione: Uh…Penelope Clearwater?
Greyback: You don't seem sure that that's your name.
Hermione: Can you prove it's not?
Greyback: Not yet, but give the boys some time to raid the tent and that'll change *moves on to Ron* You're a Weasley.
Ron: How do you know?
Greyback: Because your family constitutes half the fucking gingers on the planet at this point *turns to Harry* As for you…
Harry: My nam' is Dudl'y. Ver'n Dudl'y.
Greyback: Really? Because I think you look more like you're Harry Potter after being hit with a stinging jinx.
Hermione: Well, I tried.
Harry: Gr'at. No' on'y di' dey immed'ly rec'nise me, but n'w I have to go 'round lookin' like dis for Go' kno's h'w lon'.
Ron: If it makes you feel better…
Harry: What'er 'u're 'bout to say, no.
Hermione: Don't worry, it'll wear off soon enough, if only so Kieran doesn't have to keep writing you talking weird.
Harry: 'ee, t'anks.
Greyback: Hey, are you nearly done over there?
Scabior: Nearly finished…aaand I'm done.
Greyback: And did you find anything?
Scabior: Find? Oh, you wanted me to look through the tent for stuff.
Greyback: Oh, for crying out loud *storms into the tent, and exits shortly after with the Sword of Gryffindor* See, look at that. I already found this.
Scabior: Well, how was I supposed to know that was in there?
Greyback: By not wasting your time raping the tent. Seriously, we have living prisoners. Why do you choose tents over them?
Scabior: Have you seen how sexy this tent is?
Greyback: Just…tie them up with the other prisoners.
Harry: Other prisoners? Oh hey, I'm fine now.
Dean: Hey Harry.
Harry: Hey Dean. Are you about to finally contribute to the plot?
Dean: Why did I think being on the run for seven months would make you less of an asshole?
Harry: Yeah, that was just dumb of you. By the way, is that your scabby hand I'm touching?
Dean: Nah, that's Griphook the goblin. I'm honestly not sure if he's even alive at this point.
Hermione: What did they do to him?
Dean: Well, because they love money so much, the snatchers started licking money in front of him, and he passed out in shock.
Harry: Yep, that'd do it.
Scabior: So, where to now?
Greyback: Well, Voldy's said to be living at Malfoy Manor lately. I say we go there.
Harry: I wonder if he actually is there *suddenly has a vision of Voldemort* Guess I'm about to find out.
in Voldemort's mind*
Voldemort: Ah, Nurmengard…what a dump. Well, time to find who I came here for *starts flying around the castle*
back in England*
Greyback: …I'm telling you, this is Harry Potter. Your master will want to see him.
Narcissa: And I keep telling you: we don't want riff-raff in our house.
Greyback: Well, if you won't let us in, we can just take the whole reward for ourselves…
Lucius: For God's sake woman, let them in.
Narcissa: Fine, but I'm not cleaning up after them.
Greyback: Good to see you've come to your senses *drags the group into the manor*
Lucius: Now, you're sure this is Potter?
Greyback: Yeah, the girl just jinxed him.
Lucius: Well, just to be sure, Draco, could you verify?
Draco: Is that really you Potter?
Harry: How's it going Mr. I Don't Have the Balls to Kill a Defenceless Old Man?
Draco: Yep, it's Potter.
Lucius: Well, I'd better call the Dark Lord *pulls up his sleeve*
Bellatrix: *bursting into the room* Can you guys stop being so noisy? I'm trying to put…
Lucius: Sorry Bellatrix, but these guys just caught Potter and his friends.
Dean: Are you including me on that list? Because I'm really more of an acquaintance.
Bellatrix: Quiet you. If we wanted to hear from the help, we'd ask you.
Dean: Oh, racist in more than one way, eh? You really are a nasty cunt.
Bellatrix: Oh, I am going to ask the Dark Lord if I can personally kill you.
Lucius: Hopefully he's not busy *about to press the Dark Mark*
Harry: I can check if you want *goes into Voldemort's head*
Lucius: What…what's going on here?
Hermione: Uh…we don't know?
Ron: Yes we do, he's… *gets headbutted by Hermione*
meanwhile…*
Voldemort: Wakey, wakey, Grindeypoo.
Grindelwald: I already am awake, and only Albus may call me that.
Voldemort: Listen, you already know why I'm here. Just hand it over, and I'll be on my way.
Grindelwald: Oh yes, because they'd so totally let me keep that in my fucking cell. Not that I even owned it anymore when they arrested me in the first place.
Voldemort: What?
Grindelwald: Yeah, no, I lost that thing decades ago.
Voldemort: You lost the most powerful artifact in the wizarding world?
Grindelwald: Yep.
Voldemort: You are without doubt the worst dark wizard I've ever heard of.
Grindelwald: But you have heard of me.
back in Malfoy Manor*
Harry: Yeah, he's busy.
Lucius: How do you know that?
Harry: That's my business, not yours.
Lucius: …anyway, to the dungeons with…
Bellatrix: WAIT! *storms up to a Snatcher holding the Sword* Where the fuck did you get that sword?
Snatcher: Nice, isn't it? I'm gonna…
Bellatrix: AVADA KEDAVRA! *kills the snatcher*
Greyback: Whoa, what the fuck was that about?
Bellatrix: *waving the sword in his face* Where the fuck did you get this sword?
Greyback: They had it. Why? What's going…
Bellatrix: *ignoring him* Leave the mudblood, me and her are going to have a little…talk…
Scabior: You know, the black kid might be a mudblood too…
Dean: Hey, listen, just because my bio-dad walked out on us…
Harry: Oh, that joke just writes itself.
Dean: Shut the fuck up Harry.
Bellatrix: Okay, here's the order of torture/murder: mudblood girl, blackie, goblin, blood traitor, Potter.
Harry: Doesn't your boss want to kill me himself?
Bellatrix: Fine, you just get the torture then. As for the rest of them…
Greyback: And then I get my sword back, right?
Bellatrix: Ask for it again, and I'll use your asshole as a scabbard.
Greyback: …alright… *starts dragging all the prisoners except Hermione downstairs*
in the cellar*
Ron: Well, this is quite the pickle we're in.
Harry: Ron, neither of us have wands, we're locked in a cellar, Hermione's being tortured upstairs, and the man who wants to kill me will probably be here in the next hour. 'Pickle' doesn't exactly do the situation justice.
Ron: You don't know that they're torturing Hermione *Hermione's agonising screams are heard from upstairs* Okay, assuming that's what she's screaming about, you don't know about the guy coming to kill you.
Harry: Actually… *goes into Voldemort's head*
Voldemort's P.O.V.*
Grindelwald: So, what now?
Voldemort: Look, just tell me where and/or when you lost it, so I can start looking for it, and possibly even find it.
Grindelwald: And why would I do that?
Voldemort: I could give you a prominent role in my new world order. You wouldn't have to live in…well, this *indicates around the cell*
Grindelwald: Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, look at me. I am 115 years old. Do I look like someone who still gives a shit about that stuff anymore? I've been here over 50 years. There is nothing you can offer me at this point except the sweet release of death.
Voldemort: If that's what you want, then I can give it to you. Just tell me where the wand is.
Grindelwald: No.
Voldemort: Fine, stay in here and… *has an idea* Actually, one final question.
Grindelwald: Fine, but make it quick. I want to go back to rotting in my cell.
Voldemort: Did you have it when you fought Dumbledore that final time?
Grindelwald: Yes, I… *suddenly realises what he said* …oh shit.
Voldemort: Well, I suppose I did promise you death.
Grindelwald: Fine, do it. But before you do, I leave you with this image: that corpse you're about to desecrate, I got to do some beautiful things to it while it was alive *licks lips creepily*
Voldemort: …you know what? I'm killing you for giving me that image. AVADA KEDAVRA! *kills Grindelwald* Ugh, now I have to go back to Britain. I can't believe IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME!
back in the Malfoy's cellar*
Harry: Yep, he'll definitely be here soon.
Luna: Who'll be here soon?
Harry: When the fuck did you get here?
Luna: I've been here the whole time, you just didn't bother checking before you went to sleep. Also, Mr. Ollivander's here.
Harry: Cool. What's he have to say?
Dean: Nothing apparently. He's unconscious.
Harry: Right. Well, does anyone have a way out of here?
Luna: Why? It's kinda cozy in here, especially with friends.
Harry: Well, for one thing… *shuts up long enough to let one of Hermione's screams be heard* …there's that.
Dean: I'm also guessing You-Know-Who's coming for Harry, so we probably don't want to be here for that.
Ron: How dare he? Only I may do that.
Harry: Okay, what do we have? *starts going through his pockets* Let's see…the snitch? *kisses it* Nope, still not gonna open…My broken wand? *waves it* Nope, nothing…a broken piece of Sirius's mirror…wait… *sees an eye in it* I swear to God, if someone is there, you'd better send someone to Malfoy's cellar to help us *eye vanishes* …yeah, I wasn't too hopeful about… *CRACK!*
Dobby: What's up?
Harry: Huh…that's useful.
Ron: Hey, is it bad that I just heard Bellatrix say she wanted to talk to the goblin, and she's sent Draco down here to get him?
Harry: Yes, it is bad. How long ago was… *banging on the door*
Draco: *from the other side of the door* Against the wall, all of you.
Harry: …shit *gets against the wall, blocking Dobby from view as Draco entered*
Draco: *picking up Griphook* What's that behind you, Potter?
Harry: It's a…uh…pile of rags?
Dobby: Dobby is not a pile of rags.
Harry: *nudging Dobby with his foot* Hey, check it out, I've mastered ventriloquism.
Draco: …wow, you've been in here five minutes and you're already losing it *leaves*
Harry: Okay Dobby, we need you to evacuate everyone, can you do that?
Dobby: Dobby got in here, didn't he?
Harry: Great. Take everyone except me and Ron to…uh…
Ron: Bill and Fleur's place.
Harry: Really? There?
Ron: Well, where else would you suggest?
Harry: …okay, sure. Take them there, we'll join you soon.
Dean: Just curious Harry: you don't like Ron. Why are you…
Harry: Meat shield.
Dean: Fair enough. See you soon *gets taken by Dobby, who leaves with a loud crack*
Bellatrix: *from upstairs* What the fuck was that?
Lucius: *from upstairs* It sounded like it came from the cellar.
Bellatrix: *from upstairs* Well, whatever it was, it made me lose count of how many times I cut this little mudblood. Wormtail, go down there to see what they're doing.
Peter: *from upstairs* Why me?
Lucius: *from upstairs* Because if something happens to you, no-one will care. Ever. Now get down there.
Peter: *from upstairs* …fuck you guys *starts heading downstairs*
Harry: Okay Ron, as soon as he comes in, we tackle him.
Ron: Why would we do that?
Harry: Because…uh…he's gonna have sex with me.
Ron: WHAT?!
Harry: Yeah, he's gonna have wild, kinky sex with me without my consent, and make you watch everything.
Ron: THAT SON OF A BITCH!
Peter: *entering* What are you…
Ron: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! *tackles Peter to the ground and starts pummelling him very brutally* HARRY! IS! MINE!
Peter: Hey, stop killing me *shoves Ron off of him* The Dark Lord wants to do that. Though a bit of light torture beforehand won't hurt.
Harry: Go ahead. See what happens to you.
Peter: Oh, I wi… *draws arm back to punch him, but his arm stops moving* …what the… *tries to move it, but it won't do anything* I said PUNCH HIM! *arm moves a little forward, only to turn around and strangle him* ACK! UGH! NO! STOP! *continues being choked*
Ron: Wow Harry, how are you doing that?
Harry: I'm not. I have no idea what's going on right now *Peter finally falls over, dead* Hey, his fake hand is disintegrating.
Ron: And the dust seems to be spelling something.
Dust: Dear Harry. I've done what I can to help you. Don't let this be in vain – Charity Burbage.
Ron: Who's Charity Burbage?
Harry: Who cares? She's on our side, and now…
Ron: I have his wand *runs out of the room with Peter's wand*
Harry: Wait, I'm the better wizard, I should have that *chases after him*
upstairs*
Bellatrix: And you're sure this is a fake.
Griphook: Oh, yes. Quite sure. In fact, I'd better take it and have it destroyed…
Greyback: Why you?
Griphook: Well, we goblins know more about how to dispose of these sorts of blades…
Bellatrix: If it's a fake, then why does a goblin specifically need to dispose of it?
Griphook: Uh…
Ron: *kicking the door to the room in* EXPELLIARMUS! *Bellatrix's wand flies out of her hand, caught by Harry* Hey, I'm supposed to have two wands now.
Harry: Yeah, well, you don't. STUPEFY! *blasts Greyback with a spell*
Bellatrix: Okay, fine, I'll just kill the mudblood with this *holds a knife to Hermione's neck*
Harry: I could just disarm that from you.
Lucius: You do know there's another three wands pointed at you, right? *indicates himself, Draco, and Narcissa*
Harry: Huh…I could really use a distraction right about now *nothing happens* I said, I could really use a distraction about now *still nothing happens* I SAID…
Dobby: *from above* Dobby's working on it, okay?
Lucius: What the fuck? *looks up to see Dobby unscrew the chandelier*
Dobby: Bombs away *jumps off chandelier as it crashes to the ground, forcing Bellatrix to get out of the way*
Lucius: Nice work Bellatrix. I assume you slit the mudblood's throat as you got out of the way?
Bellatrix: …FUCK!
Draco: Maybe the glass from the chandelier got her?
Ron: She's breathing.
Draco: FUCK!
Harry: EXPELLIARMUS! *disarms Malfoy* So, we'll be taking all this, and be on our way *collects Hermione, Griphook, the sword, Ron, and Dobby* Nice seeing you all.
Bellatrix: Oh no you… *sees Dobby about to vanish, and throws the knife. It disappears with the group* Damn it, I liked that knife *a baby starts crying somewhere* Oh, and on top of that, they woke up Delphini. How could this get any worse?
Voldemort: Hi. One of you called me, I assume because you caught Potter?
Bellatrix: None of us did that.
Lucius: Uh…
Bellatrix: DAMN IT LUCIUS!
Lucius: I thought we had him.
Voldemort: Wait, so you actually caught Potter, and none of you thought to use a body-bind curse on him?
Lucius: …maybe…
Voldemort: *sighs in annoyance* Okay, bring me my punching bag.
Draco: *dragging Peter upstairs* He's kinda dead.
Voldemort: Wow, you guys really fucked up, didn't you?
meanwhile*
Harry: Wow, we did it. Thanks Dobby *Dobby says nothing, just standing on the beach* Dobby? *Dobby falls over* Dobby?! *Harry sees the knife in his stomach* Damn it Dobby, I told you never to try and save my life again.
Dobby: *coughing up blood* Dobby…didn't try…Dobby…succeeded… *dies*
Author's note: I have had that last bit planned for 8 years. Don't believe me? Reread the final chapter of Chamber of Secrets Abridged.