Chapter 24: Ollivander

Author's note: Hi guys. You may have noticed I've changed my username. Well, the reason for that is, I just wanted to use something a bit more anonymous. This isn't going to change my content in any way, I just wanted to stop using the old name. That's all I wanted to say, let's get onto the chapter, shall we?

Harry: Come on Dobby, wake up. Wake up. Please.

Dean: Harry, pretty sure he's dead.

Harry: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!

Dean: …you know what? I'll take that one. You're clearly very stressed about your friend, and at least it wasn't a slur…

Harry: I said shut up you fatherless fuck.

Dean: Okay, that one was on purpose.

Bill: Okay, can someone tell me what's going on?

Dean: Can someone tell me why you're not wearing pants?

Bill: I live here with my hot French wife, who I would like to get back to banging, thank you very much. Now, why is Harry crying over a dead elf?

Harry: *tears streaming down his face* I'm not crying, I just have sweaty eyes.

Dean: Real men can admit when they're crying, despite what Andrew Taint might say.

Bill: Okay, but what happened?

Dean: The elf saved us. That's the main part.

Harry: I'm giving him a proper burial.

Bill: Harry, it's an elf.

Harry: And we're alive because of him.

Ron: I found a shovel for you Harry.

Harry: *takes the shovel* Thank you *starts digging*

Dean: Uh, Harry? You do know we can use magic to…

Ron: *covering Dean's mouth* Shh…

Dean: What are you…

Harry: Man, digging a grave is hot, sweaty work *takes his shirt off*

Dean: Oh, that's what you're doing.

Ron: I'm in heaven. Like Dobby.

Harry: *realises what's going on* You know what? Just for that comment *puts shirt back on*

Ron: Aww, man.

later*

Bill: You know, when I moved here, I never thought we'd have a dead elf buried in the garden. Though to be fair, I also just assumed I'd be banging Fleur the whole time, so…

Fleur: Speaking ov vich, why are we not doing zat right now?

Bill: Fleur, this is a funeral.

Fleur: I'm zure Dobby would understand.

Bill: I'm not so sure, but I'm also not sure how to argue with that logic *leaves with Fleur*

Luna: Dobby, for saving our lives, I give you the greatest honour a house elf can have: clothes *puts a shirt on Dobby*

Harry: Luna, he was already free.

Luna: And I made him double free.

Harry: There's no such thing as…you know what? Sure, why not?

Dean: Dobby, there's only one thing that I could think to give you, and it's disappointing you couldn't be given it while you were alive *pulls a card out of his pocket* Here you go: an N-word pass.

Harry: Well, since he won't be able to use it, maybe someone who can put it to use should…

Dean: You will not touch that. Ever.

Harry: Aww man, why not?

Dean: You'll see, if you dare.

Harry: Hmm…nah, I'm good.

Hermione: Dobby, as a way of saying thanks for saving us, I'm renaming S.P.E.W. "The Dobby Foundation."

Dean: Doesn't S.P.E.W. only have you three as members?

Harry: Of course not. We bullied Neville into joining.

Dean: Like that's really an achievement.

Ron: For you Dobby, I give you my most prized possession: Harry's hair.

Harry: Of course it is.

Ron: …and fingernail clippings, and toenail clippings, and used tissues, and dead skin cells, and used underwear…

Harry: God damn it Ron.

Ron: …and finally, his cu…

Harry: Okay Ron, I think we've heard enough from you.

Ron: By the way, we might need a bigger hole to accommodate my gift for him *shows them the bag of Harry's…things…*

Harry: I know just what to do with that *yeets the bag into the ocean*

Luna: So, what are you giving Dobby, Harry?

Harry: I don't really have anything planned…

Dean: Of course the guy who doesn't care about anything but himself hasn't got anything to give the guy who saved his life.

Harry: Hey, in my defence, this was very sudden. On that note though *puts Bellatrix's knife in the grave* Dobby, when you see Bellatrix in the next life, and when we're through with her you will, please use this on her. Many, many, many times.

Dean: Wow, real thoughtful gift. The knife that killed him.

Harry: This coming from the guy who's letting him say a word he can't say because he's dead?

Dean: …okay, touché.

later*

Bill: Okay, so we've moved the rest of the family to Aunt Muriel's, and we'll send the others there as soon as we can…

Harry: Before that, I want to speak to Griphook and Ollivander.

Bill: Sure.

Harry: …you're not gonna try and stop me?

Bill: I mean, it'll be a little while before we can move them after everything they went through, and they are conscious right now, so I don't see a problem with it.

Harry: …well okay then. Let's talk to Griphook.

Ron: Can I come?

Harry: I figured you and Hermione would join me anyway.

Ron: Not the come I was talking about.

Harry: Of course it isn't.

Hermione: Harry, what's this about?

Harry: I have an idea about what our next step is, I just need to check some stuff.

later*

Harry: *shaking Griphook* What's in Bellatrix Lestrange's vault? Tell me.

Hermione: Harry, I don't think this is the way to get information out of an injured goblin.

Harry: How do you know? Have you ever tried?

Griphook: She's right, though.

Harry: Shut up, you have answers to give me.

Griphook: Look *gets himself out of Harry's grip* I have no idea what Miss Lestrange has in her vault that she was so freaked out about you finding. But the real question is: how do you have the sword of Godric Gryffindor?

Harry: I mean, technically it belongs to me anyway…

Griphook: Not how it works.

Harry: What do you mean by…

Griphook: Look, why do you want to know what's in her vault?

Harry: Because we want to break into it.

Griphook: What?

Ron: What?

Hermione: What?

Griphook: Are you insane, child?

Harry: Look, I strongly suspect there's something in that vault that will help destroy Miss Lestrange's boss forever, but we need you to help us get into her vault to get it.

Griphook: You want to rob Gringotts?

Harry: It's for the greater good.

Griphook: You'll die.

Harry: Not if we have you.

Griphook: Oh, so you want me to voluntarily get myself killed?

Hermione: Harry, can we backtrack to the whole break into Gringotts thing?

Harry: Quiet you. Now, will you help us or not?

Griphook: I'll think about it.

Harry: I'll take that as a yes.

Griphook: No, it's an… *the trio leaves* …ah, whatever.

across the hall*

Harry: Mr. Ollivander?

Ollivander: Yes?

Hermione: Wow, can't believe you aren't violently shaking him for answers.

Ollivander: What?

Harry: Hush. Okay, first question: can you fix this? *pulls out his broken wand*

Ollivander: What the fuck did you do to this thing?

Harry: SOMEONE *glares at Hermione* decided to blow it up. Anyway, can you fix it?

Hermione: I kinda resent that.

Ollivander: Also, no, I can't fix this.

Harry: …yeah, I suppose that was a long shot. Anyway… *pulls out wands stolen from Malfoy Manor* how about these wands? Can we use them?

Ollivander: I don't see why not.

Harry: Even though using Lucius Malfoy's wand didn't really work out for You-Know-Who?

Ollivander: …how do you know about…

Harry: And you told You-Know Who about the Elder Wand?

Ollivander: …no, seriously, how do you know about this?

Harry: And now he's going to find it, which won't matter because he'll know soon enough about my wand being destroyed, so the twin core problem is no longer an issue.

Ollivander: Why do you know all…

Harry: And you just told him all this? God damn it.

Ollivander: He tortured me.

Harry: It's okay, we'll fix this fuck-up.

Ollivander: How is this my fau… *trio leaves* …oh, whatever.

outside*

Hermione: Harry, what the fuck's going on?

Harry: Well, I strongly suspect that there's a horcrux in Bellatrix Lestrange's Gringotts vault…

Hermione: Oh, good.

Harry: …and also You-Know-Who knows where the Elder Wand is.

Ron: Well, let's go get it before he does.

Harry: No, as in I'm about to watch him get it.

Hermione: What do you… *Harry collapses* …oh…

Voldemort*

Snape: You really think this is necessary?

Voldemort: Not just necessary, required.

Snape: Really? Desecrating a corpse is necessary for world domination?

Voldemort: …yes *blows the lid off Dumbledore's tomb* Huh, he looks very intact for someone who's been dead nearly a year.

Snape: To be fair, that tomb was airtight, which helps with preservation. I suspect if you touch him, he'll… *Voldemort knocks Dumbledore's arm, reducing him to dust* …yeah, that.

Voldemort: *spitting dust out of his mouth* Ugh, that's nasty *sees what he's looking for* Well, I guess I'll just take that *grabs the Elder Wand*

Snape: Are you sure it'll work for you, My Lord?

Voldemort: *blows up a nearby tree* Yes, I think it will *laughs evilly as he fires lightning out of his new wand*