Chapter 25: Carapace House

Ron: So, I have a theory.

Harry: This should be good.

Ron: What if Dumbledore's not dead?

Hermione: Ron…

Ron: Hear me out.

Hermione: Why should…

Harry: Hold up, let him cook. This will be hilariously wrong.

Ron: *oblivious to Harry's sarcasm* Thanks Harry. Anyway, what if Dumbledore wanted You-Know-Who to get the wand so that he could beat him up himself?

Hermione: Ron, why would someone do that?

Ron: To make You-Know-Who die of embarrassment.

Harry: Also, you're ignoring the fact that I just saw his corpse.

Ron: When has a corpse ever proved that someone's dead?

Hermione: …every time?

Harry: Yeah, I'm with Hermione on this one. I literally saw the corpse crumble to dust…

Ron: HA! Proves my point. Since when does a corpse turn to dust?

Hermione: Why do we listen to him?

Harry: His stupidity makes me feel smarter by comparison.

Fleur: *coming out of the house* You three.

Harry: Oh goodie. Possible plot progression.

Fleur: Ze goblin wantz to zee you.

Harry: Okay, let's see what he wants *goes into the house*

Fleur: Can I azk what you're doing?

Harry: *ignoring her* Nope *leaves with Ron and Hermione*

in Griphook's room*

Hermione: You wanted to see us?

Griphook: I've made a decision regarding breaking into Gringotts.

Harry: And?

Griphook: I will help you.

Harry: That's great.

Griphook: However…

Harry: This is gonna be an 'uh oh' moment, isn't it?

Griphook: I want the sword.

Harry: Yep, definitely an 'uh oh'.

Ron: You can't have the sword, we need it.

Griphook: Just because you need it doesn't give you the right to steal it.

Harry: We didn't steal it, it appeared to us in a pond.

Griphook: Good, now you can give it back.

Harry: Pretty sure 'finders keepers' applies here.

Griphook: That's not how goblin law works.

Harry: Oh yeah? And how does goblin law work?

Griphook: The goblin who made the thing owns the thing.

Hermione: Wasn't this sword made hundreds of years ago for Godric Gryffindor?

Griphook: Correct, madam.

Hermione: So how can the maker of the sword even still be alive?

Griphook: That's for us to know and you to find out.

Harry: And we're trying to find out by asking.

Griphook: I think we're getting a bit off topic here. Give me the sword, and I'll help you betray my people.

Ron: Really? You're willing to betray your people?

Griphook: Oh, they'll be pissed for a minute, then they'll see the sword, and all will be forgiven.

Harry: Is that really how goblins work?

Griphook: Yep. Either they'll immediately forgive me, or they won't, in which case I'll stab them with the sword. It's a win-win for me.

Harry: Hmm…okay, you can have the sword…

Hermione: Harry? What are you…

Griphook: Excellent choice.

Harry: AFTER we get into the Lestrange vault.

Griphook: Okay, but immediately after I let you into the vault, you'll give me the sword?

Harry: After we get in, you can have the sword.

Griphook: I'm not hearing the word 'immediate'.

Harry: Look, I'm promising you will get the sword after we get into the vault.

Griphook: Hmm… *gets a wicked smile on his face* Okay, we have a deal.

Harry: Excellent. Pleasure doing business with you *leaves the room*

Hermione: Harry, might I remind you that we still need that sword?

Harry: First of all, since when do you believe in magic?

Hermione: I'm just saying…

Harry: Second of all, I never said when we'd hand the sword over, did I?

Hermione: What do you…oh, Harry, you didn't…

Harry: Look, we only need to destroy three more horcruxes. Hell, we might not even need the sword to kill the snake. After that, he can have it, because I'll no longer have a fucking maniac trying to kill me.

Ron: Well, I think it's an absolutely perfect plan with no downsides whatsoever and will work exactly as intended.

Harry: …why do I have a sudden feeling of foreboding about this?

one month later*

Ollivander: Well, I suppose this is goodbye everyone.

Dean: We're gonna miss you, old man.

Luna: Thank you for my new wand.

Dean: Wait, he gave you a new wand?

Luna: Yeah, why?

Dean: I still don't have one.

Ollivander: Well, you should have asked for one earlier. Bye *apparates with Bill*

Dean: God damn it.

Fleur: Vell, that'z one guezt down. Hopefully zoon more of you shall be gone, zo me and Bill can get back to… *someone else apparates in* …oh, Bill, you're…

Lupin: Not Bill. Where is he?

Bill: *apparating back in* Right here.

Harry: How'd you know what he was saying mid-apparation?

Bill: So, what can we do for you Remus?

Lupin: Just letting everyone know that Tonks has had the baby.

Hermione: Aww, congratulations.

Lupin: Yeah, little Teddy Lupin, named after Tonks's dad.

Harry: Sorry about probably playing a hand in his death, by the way.

Lupin: Don't worry too much about it. In fact, Tonks has agreed to make you the godfather.

Harry: Really?

Lupin: Yeah, she wants you to remember her father every time you see your godson.

Harry: Of course she does.

Bill: Hey Harry, can I talk to you about something?

Harry: Sure, why not? *joins Bill in the kitchen*

Bill: Harry, are you planning something with Griphook?

Harry: …maybe…

Bill: Look, I'm not telling you that you shouldn't…

Harry: That's good.

Bill: But I am going to say it's a terrible idea.

Harry: That sounds like you're telling us we shouldn't.

Bill: Look, goblins aren't very trustworthy, so if you're making a deal with him, be very careful what you've promised him.

Harry: Bill, the most powerful, evil wizard may have just become unstoppable. Getting reckless is kind of our only option now if we're going to survive.

Bill: In that case, I'm gonna go bang my wife a few more times, because if we're going to die, I'm going to die happy.

Harry: …gross.

Author's note: Hey guys, it's a new year, so there's a new poll for what I should write next up on my profile. Feel free to vote in it. Or not. Whatever, I'll see you in the next chapter, whenever that is.