Chapter 26: Wizard Bank
Bill: And you're sure you want to leave tomorrow?
Harry: Yes.
Fleur: And you're pozitive you don't want uz to zee you off?
Hermione: Yeah, it'd just be too hard to say goodbye to everyone.
Ron: I thought it was because Hermione was going to… *gets gut-punched by Harry*
Fleur: Well, on ze pluz zide, we don't have to deal wiv ze goblin anymore.
Griphook: You know I can hear you, right?
Fleur: I wanted you to hear it.
Luna: It'll be sad here without you Harry. Here *conjures flowers out of the air* These are for you guys.
Harry: Uh, thanks. I'll put them on Dobby's grave.
Ron: Then they'll die like Dobby did.
Harry: Did not need to be reminded of that.
Luna: Beautifully symbolic. I love it. Isn't it great having a wand again?
Dean: I'll tell you when I get another wand.
Harry: Anyway, we'd better go make sure we've got everything prepared before we go.
Bill: Need any help?
Harry: No, I think we'll be fine *leaves with the others*
Bill: They're gonna die, aren't they?
Dean: Depends how thick their plot armour is.
upstairs*
Harry: Okay, now, are we 100% sure that hair is Bellatrix's?
Hermione: Honestly? I'm basing this off the fact that it came from my jumper from the day we were at Malfoy Manor, and that it's a long dark hair.
Harry: So it could be one of yours?
Hermione: Do you have a better plan at this point?
Harry: Honestly? No.
Hermione: Then it's one of her hairs.
Harry: Not how that works, but whatever.
Hermione: Now Ron, have you been working on your foreign accent?
Ron: I certainly have *ahem* YARR, MATEYS!
Harry: Yep, we're fucked.
Hermione: Ron, we agreed you'd be a FOREIGN wizard.
Ron: Yeah, and pirates are foreign.
Hermione: What are you…
Ron: Because they're from the Caribbean.
Harry: He's not wrong.
Hermione: YES HE IS!
Harry: …okay, yeah he is. But do you really think we'll be able to fix that problem before we leave tomorrow?
Hermione: *sigh* Ron, just…try not to talk too much tomorrow, okay?
Ron: Shiver me timbers, is this wench telling me to flay me shrivelled tongue?
Hermione: …I think I should be insulted, but I'm not sure why.
the next morning*
Hermione: *now disguised as Bellatrix* Well, the good news is, the Polyjuice Potion worked. Now, about Ron…
Harry: Yeah, I told him the costume was a bit much, but he wouldn't listen.
Ron: *dressed as a pirate* I told you Harry, no-one will believe I'm foreign if I have the accent but not the clothes.
Hermione: *sigh* Let's just get you into your disguise.
Ron: Remember, I need a long black beard, a wooden leg, and a hook hand.
Harry: Would you like me to poke you in the eye so you need an eyepatch too?
Ron: Great idea Harry.
Harry: Should have known you'd miss the sarcasm in my voice.
Ron: Less talk, more dick in my eye.
Harry: And that you'd want me to do it that way.
Griphook: Why the fuck am I teaming up with you people?
Harry: Because you want the sword.
Griphook: I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it at this point.
Ron: Yeah, only I may handle Harry's sword. And by sword, I of course mean…
Harry: Ron, we know damn well what you mean, and we don't care. Let's go *Harry puts the invisibility cloak on, and the group apparates*
outside the Leaky Cauldron*
Hermione: Okay, in we go.
Ron: Yarr, we're off to pilfer their rum before we relieve them of their gold?
Hermione: Ron, we told you to be quiet.
Harry: Gotta admire his dedication to the bit though *follows the other into the pub*
Tom: Good morning, Madam Lestrange.
Hermione: Good morning.
Tom: Wh…what did you just say?
Harry: *whispering in Hermione's ear* Hermione, you're supposed to be Bellatrix Lestrange right now. Be evil.
Hermione: *whispering back* I don't know how.
Harry: *whispering* Just say the meanest thing that comes to mind.
Hermione: *whispering* Okay *out loud* I said 'who gave you permission to talk to me, you disgusting commoner?'
Tom: That's what I thought you said.
Harry: *whispering* That was perfect, Hermione.
Hermione: Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Harry: *whispering* And that's not so perfect.
Tom: What was that?
Hermione: *realising she fucked up* I've…got things to do *quickly leaves out the back*
Harry: Well, we've already quite possibly blown our cover.
Hermione: Shut up, it's not like you were any help there.
Harry: I literally just told you how to speak to people.
Ron: Yarr, do it be mutiny I see here?
Hermione: Quiet you two *pulls out her wand and taps on the wall* I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting with this plan.
Harry: Listen, if it wasn't for the fact that Polyjuice doesn't change a person's voice, I'd gladly be doing your part.
Ron: Doing her part? Yarr, have you been cracking Jenny's teacup?
Harry: Is that even pirate slang?
Hermione: Who cares? Let's go *starts striding down Diagon Alley*
Homeless Wizard: *glaring angrily at Hermione* You.
Hermione: Can I help you?
Homeless Wizard: You can help me by dying for what you did to my family you sadistic cunt *charges at her, only for a flash of red to hit him, causing him to collapse*
?: Sorry about him, ma'am. Or would you have preferred to do that yourself?
Hermione: Who was that?
?: Eh, probably just some mudblood that thinks he's a wizard.
Hermione: And who are you for that matter?
?: Come on, Lestrange, it's me *Hermione stares at him blankly* Travers *Hermione continues to stare at him blankly* We've known each other for years as servants of the Dark Lord.
Hermione: Oh, right. I just see so many of you as beneath me that I forget sometimes.
Travers: Well, considering what I hear you do for the Dark Lord, I suppose you would have reason for being above us all *his winks and nudges at this comment make Hermione gag, which Travers ignores* Who's your friend?
Hermione: This is Dragomir Despard. He doesn't talk mu…
Ron: Yarr, how be you matey?
Travers: A foreigner, eh? I guess our message is finally reaching the international community. So, where are you off to this morning?
Hermione: Gringotts. Now, if you don't mind…
Travers: Hey, that's where I'm heading. Let's go together.
Hermione: I'd rather not.
Travers: Well, too bad. So, is that your wand?
Hermione: Uh…yeah?
Travers: Kinda looks like the old one.
Hermione: What do you mean the old one?
Travers: You know, after the whole Potter situation…
Griphook: *whispering* He knows she lost her wand.
Harry: *whispering* We probably should have thought of that before we agreed to this plan.
Griphook: *whispering* That's why I insisted on being paid in advance.
Harry: *whispering* Don't worry, I have a plan.
Hermione: Whatever rumours you heard about my wand are completely false.
Travers: Then why did the Dark Lord put out an APB regarding your wand being in possession of Potter and his friends?
Harry: Confundo *hits Travers with the spell*
Travers: Ah, I see this is a new but completely identical one. Well, off to the bank *immediately turns and walks into the wall of another building*
Hermione: Well, that takes care of that problem.
Griphook: Yeah, but now we have to deal with those guys *points out the guards outside of Gringotts*
Guard 1: Welcome to Gringotts ma'am. Please hold still while we remove any and all charms and concealment spells from you.
Hermione: Excuse me? Does it look like I'm using some kind of concealment spell?
Guard 2: Well, given that you're supposed to be imprisoned at Malfoy Manor right now…
Hermione: How dare you accuse me of lying. I want to speak to your manager.
Guard 1: No can do.
Hermione: And why's that?
Guard 2: Because your name's Bellatrix, not Karen.
Ron: Yarr, the scallywag has a point.
Guard 1: And who's this disgusting foreigner with you?
Ron: Yarr, you mind yer tongue or I'll remove it.
Hermione: Anyway, we'll just be going into the bank now…
Guard 2: Sure thing, right after we probe you *holds up his concealment detector* Now, drop your pants.
Ron: Yarr, only Harry Potter may ask me tah do that.
Guard 1: What did he just say?
Harry: Yep, I knew he'd fuck up eventually *pulls out his wand* Confundo *hits the second guard with the spell*
Guard 2: I think he said Barry Trotter.
Harry: Confundo *hits the first guard*
Guard 1: Huh, I thought he said Henry Shepherd.
Guard 2: Hey, what are we doing here?
Guard 1: And what are these things? *holds up his probe*
Guard 2: Wait, I've got an idea *drops his pants* Okay, go for it.
Hermione: Can…I go now?
Guard 1: Who are you?
Hermione: …yeah, I'm gonna go now *walks past them*
inside Gringotts*
Bogrod: Ah, Madam Lestrange. I see you're off of house arrest.
Hermione: What house arrest?
Bogrod: You know, after you let Undesirable No. 1 escape…
Harry: *whispering* Aww, I'm flattered they think of me so much.
Griphook: *whispering* It also means they know she's a fake.
Harry: *whispering* It's still flattering though.
Bogrod: We'll just need some identification before we let you into your vault…
Hermione: WHAT?! I've never needed identification to enter my vault before…
Bogrod: Just need to see your wand to make sure you're you. Don't want someone using Polyjuice Potion to access your vault, do you?
Hermione: Wasn't that the point of the guys outside?
Guard 2: *from outside* I think it's stuck.
Guard 1: *from outside* Hold on, I got this *sound of loud, wet ripping* …hey, did you need any of this red stuff?
Guard 2: *from outside* Nah, probably not…I'm gonna take a nap *sound of someone collapsing on concrete*
Bogrod: Anyway, your wand, Ms Lestrange *holds out his hand*
Bellatrix: I'm pretty sure I'm married.
Bogrod: I'm pretty sure I don't care *continues holding out his hand*
Griphook: *whispering* Quick, the Imperius curse.
Harry: *whispering* Why? I could Confundus him as well…
Griphook: *whispering* No time for that *grabs Harry's arm* Imperio.
Harry: *whispering* I don't think that's how it… *spell hits Bogrod* …huh, whatever.
Bogrod: Ah, a new wand, I see.
Hermione: What are you talking about? This is my normal wand.
Bogrod: Surely not, after your wand was stolen by…
Ron: Yarr, are we going to pilfer this place of its gold or not?
Bogrod: Ms Lestrange, please tell your foreign friend to be quiet. Now *grabs a bag of metal things* Let's get to your vault.
Harry: *whispering* Huh, that wasn't too difficult.
Griphook: *whispering* Have you noticed the rest of the bank?
Harry: *whispering* What are you… *notices they'd made a huge scene in the quiet bank, and everyone was staring at them* …oh.
Hermione: Well, down we go.
Harry: *taking off the Invisibility Cloak* We might have a problem.
Ron: Yarr, are we going to have to make some scallywags walk the plank?
Harry: No, they just know we're here.
Hermione: How do you know?
Gringotts worker: Holy shit, that's Harry Potter.
Harry: Well, there's that, for one thing.
Hermione: So what do we do?
Harry: Well, we're already here, might as well get what we came for.
Ron: Yarr, speaking of…
Harry: Not now Ron. We need to get down there and grab the thing from the vault *gets into the cart with everyone else*
Griphook: Is everyone in? Great, pull the lever Ron.
Ron: Yarr! *pulls a lever*
Griphook: WRONG LEVER! *the cart starts plummeting to the ground*
Hermione: Molliare! *everyone slows their fall and lands softly on the ground*
Bogrod: Well, that was unfortunate. Let's go back upstairs.
Harry: There are stairs down here?
Bogrod: Yeah, why?
Harry: THEN WHY'D YOU EVEN HAVE THAT LEVER?!
Ron: Yarr, there be a crocodile biting my back cannon.
Bogrod: Wait a minute, are you Harry Potter?
Harry: Well, I don't mean to brag, but…
Hermione: You do remember you're a wanted fugitive, right Harry?
Harry: …maybe he's a fan of me?
Bogrod: GUARDS! GUARDS!
Harry: Maybe he really likes the eighth Discworld book? I mean, who doesn't like Terry Pratchett? Psychopaths, that's who.
Bogrod: Harry Potter's trying to break into a vault! Somebody stop him!
Harry: …maybe he…
Hermione: HARRY!
Harry: Okay, fine *picks up a rock and knocks out Bogrod *
Griphook: You know we need him conscious for the vault, right?
Harry: …god damn it *a roaring sound is heard nearby* And what, my I ask, was that?
Griphook: That would be the dragon.
Hermione: Why the fuck do you have a dragon down here?
Griphook: To guard the vaults from potential thieves. And also to dispose of the bodies of said thieves afterwards, since they really stink up the place.
Ron: Yarr, how do we…
Harry: Ron, drop the pirate act.
Griphook: *picking up the bag of metal* Now, this is how we get by it *leads the group to the outside the vault, where the dragon was waiting. Griphook starts shaking the bag, causing the dragon to shrink back*
Harry: What's happening to it?
Griphook: It's been taught to expect pain whenever it hears the clankers.
Hermione: You physically torture the dragon?
Griphook: No, we just force it to watch the live-action Avatar movie.
Harry: That is seriously fucked up behaviour, you know?
Griphook: What do I care? Anyway, we're here. Where's Bogrod?
Ron: Right here *throws Bogrod at the door of the vault, which somehow opens it*
Harry: That doesn't seem very secure.
Griphook: Actually, the door is sealed by a goblin's touch. Only a goblin can let someone in.
Hermione: So we didn't even need him for this? We could have just used you?
Griphook: I'm pretty sure my security clearance has been revoked *leans on the door to another vault, which opens* …huh…
Harry: Anyway, let's find this thing.
Griphook: I believe I was promised a sword?
Harry: Yeah, yeah, we'll get to that. Does anyone see it?
Griphook: I must insist on getting the sword.
Harry: Quiet, we're busy. Anyone see anything?
Griphook: *deep sigh* I didn't want to do this…actually I did *kicks a piece of gold so that it hits Harry's shoe. It immediately explodes into ten more copies of itself*
Harry: Whoa, you guys know how to duplicate money? *picks up a duplicate coin, only for it to burn his hand and multiply again* AHH! What the fuck?
Griphook: That's what happens to anyone who breaks into a Gringotts vault. The contents of the vault multiply into worthless copies of any item touched, and also they're super-hot.
Harry: And you didn't tell us this before now because…
Griphook: I thought it would be funny to watch you learn about it the hard way.
Harry: Well, I suppose if the door stays open, we won't get crushed under the weight of the fake gold…
Griphook: *closes the door* Now, about that sword…
Harry: Well, as long as no-one touches anything until we find the thing…
Ron: Hey, is this the horcrux? *holds up a skull wearing a crown, which immediately duplicates* Or this? *holds up some kind of animal skin, which duplicates* Or this? *holds up a jewelled flask, which duplicates* Or…does anyone smell burning meat?
Hermione: That's probably you.
Ron: *looks down to see his pants are on fire* So it is.
Harry: Guys, the cup! *points it out on a high ledge*
Ron: Don't worry Harry, I've got this *starts jumping on the treasure, causing it to multiply, but he's slowly getting closer to the cup*
Harry: You know, that's actually kind of genius.
Hermione: Except for the fact that the treasure is now slowly burying and BURNING us.
Harry: Genius by Ron's standards.
Ron: Nearly there Harry *still nowhere close to it*
Griphook: *taking the sword out of Hermione's bag* And I'll just take this and leave.
Harry: Good, you'll have to open the door to get out.
Griphook: Well, yeah. I never intended to leave you in here. You did save my life. I just hate humans enough that you'll pay for it with the sword.
Harry: Oh…so can we have it back for…
Griphook: No.
Harry: What if I… *Griphook puts the tip of the sword against Harry's neck* Oh…I see your…point. Eh? Get it?
Griphook: *glaring at him* Again, if you hadn't saved my life, you'd be dead right now.
Ron: *jumping down from the ledge with the cup, copies exploding out of it* Got it.
Griphook: Great, we're out of here *opens the vault, treasure spilling out with them*
Harry: Now, if we could just…
Griphook: *ignoring him* THIEVES! INTRUDERS! TRYING TO STEAL FROM ONE OF THE VAULTS!
Harry: TRAITOR!
Griphook: This is your punishment for the pun.
Harry: Don't you mean PUN-ishment?
Griphook: SOMEBODY HELP! HARRY POTTER IS ROBBING A VAULT! *runs away with the sword, as guards come in firing spells*
Harry: *hiding behind some rubble with the others* Son of a bitch.
Ron: Don't worry Harry, I found another one *holds up the fake sword, which is multiplying at an alarming rate*
Hermione: Ron, for the love of God, put that down.
Ron: Okay, but I don't know how we're going to destroy the horcrux without it *drops the sword*
Harry: Okay, does anyone have any good plans of escape?
Ron: Ooh, I know.
Harry: Let me rephrase that: Hermione, do you have any good plans of escape?
Ron: Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me.
Hermione: Sorry Harry, I've got nothing.
Harry: Well, we are fucked.
Ron: What about my plan?
Harry: Sure, let's hear it. I could use a laugh before I die.
Ron: We could use the dragon.
Harry: That doesn't seem like it should work.
Ron: It will. Watch this *digs through fake Lestrange treasure until he finds the still unconscious Bogrod, then approaches the dragon* Hey, if we free you and feed you this, will you help us get out of here? *dragon roasts Bogrod, then eats him, before indicating they should get on his back* Come on guys.
Hermione: Are we just going to ignore that he casually just killed a goblin?
Harry: Or that he was right?
Hermione: *already on the dragon and destroying its chains* Are you coming or not?
Harry: Okay, but I'm pretty sure this won't work. This dragon hasn't flown in years. In fact, probably hasn't even seen the sun in years, so… *dragon suddenly shoots up through the caves, bursting through the floor of Gringotts, then out the doors and takes to the sky* …I refuse to believe something Ron said worked.