Watching that grand ship sink was astounding, memorable, and chaotic all at once. As we moved further away we could hardly make out the people on board, they became just fuzzy figures mainly noticeable for their white life belts. The ship was still lit, the water flooding the bow dyed a bright blue by the electric lights. I tried in vain to spot Will, thinking that perhaps he was still on this side, but I couldn't make out anything, just vague dark figures on deck. We stopped rowing far away from the ship, the suction from a vessel of this size going down would swamp us if we were any closer the sailors warned.

Then it seemed to be nothing but waiting, waiting and watching.

Later I would read in the papers all kinds of sentimental details of the ship sinking. The lines supporting a funnel snapping with a sound like a gunshot, the funnel crushing dozens of people as it fell. Panicked women flinging themselves to the stern, thinking it would save them. A massive explosion from down below as the cold sea hit the boilers, sending foaming water and swimmers flying up. A Catholic priest, leading a group in prayer on the stern, a Hail Mary that the crowd echoed. Some would call for him to be sainted after.

I saw all of that, but to me, it seemed simple. She went down by her bow, the stern rising as the water flooded forward. Two funnels fell, the sound of them creaking and falling fierce across the water, and I was thankful we were far enough away I could not see the results. I could see a good number of people, distinguishable only by their lifebelts, running to the stern. We had little light from beyond the ship, the distress rockets only providing some small relief, but after they were gone the darkness seemed all the more smothering. The stern that people thought would be their refuge proved little good.

It began to twist upward, slowly as the bow dipped below the flat water. I could hear the metal groaning in protest as the weight of the stern kept rising, eventually almost all the way out. The lights flickered once, but then were gone in a flash, and the only way to see the ship was to see where the stars weren't. A terrific roar came from the ship, something deep inside twisting and wrenching, which set the people to screaming more. The darkness covered those on the stern, not even the white of the railing visible, and I was grateful. I couldn't see the people on the stern as it rushed downward, a rush of air coming out of the ship unfurling the flag on the stern railing briefly before it simply slid away.

And then we were alone on the water, with the people not in the boats crying out. It was ghastly, a wail that would run down your spine, and I saw some in our boat covering their ears. I would never forget that sound, thousands it seemed, crying out for relief, for rescuers, for help, for someone to come back for God's sake, please, save us. But we could do nothing. One woman in our boat loudly recited the Lord's Prayer, some joining her to try and drown out the noise. I remained silent, taking the oar in front of me and studying the grain closely in an attempt to ignore them. It was lacquered a smooth brown and the grain rain straight down the oar, only weaving slightly as it continued on. But I found myself looking back where the ship had been only moments before, unable to shut the cries out. Thank God we could not see much, only hundreds of white figures and water splashing, we could not see their faces as they cried for us to come back.

I looked up, desperate to find something else to look at. The stars were bright, almost reflected in the still water around the boats, but the moon was dark. No moonlight to be seen, and I stared at the stars begging them to keep my mind from the people crying out. I tried to remember the stories I had heard about the constellations, to try and find them in the sky, but it kept slipping away. All I could think about was the people not far from us, and that we could not go back without possibly losing our own lives. Oh yes, we could row back and bring on as many as we could. But more would come, would drag on the oars and try to climb the sides. We would be swamped, and those we save would still die, along with us. Officer Lowe, near the front of the boat, turned from the sight and ordered us to make for a grouping of lifeboats that was not too far from us. Our rhythm on the oars was pitiful to say the least and our boat moved slowly through the water. Some of the ladies on the boat protested at having to row, that they could not do it, they were unused to such crude labor. I stayed silent, gripping the oar tighter as I rowed.

We could still hear the cries as we rowed for the other boats, almost ghostly as they rose and fell. I could see the other women around me, some crying, some stone faced, some seemingly annoyed at the sound. I put my full attention to the oar in front of me, but those cries still echoed throughout the night. I wanted to clamp my hands over my ears to block them, but I could barely move my hands from the oars. I barely heard Officer Lowe directing the other boats to come close to us, and ordering women out to the other boats. I didn't even notice what was happening until he stood in front of me, "Miss, I'll need you to move to the other boats, we're taking this one back to find survivors."

I did not let go of the oar. "I will stay, sir."

"Miss, I cannot ask you to row. Please, join the other women."

"Then do not ask me, I shall row and be done with it." I looked down at the oar in my hands. "I fear I shall go mad if I do not have something to do, I can pull an oar, it will be enough." I could hear some of the other women in the nearby boats crying, and I shut my ears to them. I focused on the oar. I could row. I could not sit and think. Thinking would only send me to ruin.

Lowe drew in a breath, his young, clean shaven face showing his resolve firming. "Stay then, but you will follow my orders."

"Yes, sir." I stayed at my oar as he brought over more crewmen to man the other oars, directing two other men to join me on mine. Eventually we had a full complement and slowly began to row back towards the wreckage. It was quiet now, and I almost found I missed the cries. The silence was absolute, broken only by the sound of our oars and our breathing. The first bodies started bobbing by, and I will never forget the pale skin, almost blue, and the staring eyes on the man my oar bounced off of. It was a solid thunk, repeated as we made our way farther into the field. The boat did not shiver when we hit a body, it merely thunked off and we continued on. We moved even more slowly, trying to avoid hitting the bodies that we saw. Officer Lowe and few others were in the bow, casting a light over what was in front of us. He called out for survivors, for anyone to answer him. Some of the sailors muttered that it was pointless, but were quickly hushed by the others. I could hear the occasional rush of water from the bow, as a sailor lifted a body out of the way, or pulled them closer to see if they were alive. The first few bodies had given us a start, but as their light swept over the field, I felt numb. There were so many, all floating because of their life belts. We tried to be careful as we made our way through the field, avoiding bodies and wreckage equally, so the oars barely stirred the water.

I did not think. I could not think. The only thing I could do is row, my attention only on moving the oar in the oarlock. The others were quiet, all of us stilling when Lowe ordered it. He was searching for something, listening for a cry. We found a few people still alive, including a girl who had managed to get her hands on a whistle to alert us. She was wrapped in a blanket, one of the few we had, and moved back towards the tiller. One man who we pulled out joined us on the oars, another lay gasping towards the back of the boat. The gasping stopped after a few minutes. Lowe was giving the order for us to turn around and head back to the other boats when I stilled. It was faint, almost inaudible, but I heard something, a cry brought over on the wind that was stirring. I spoke up, "Officer Lowe, I can hear something."

Everyone in the boat froze, not even breathing. One of the sailors next to me looked out, squinting. "I hear it too, sir. Faint, but to the starboard."

Lowe looked out into the darkness, "Then row that way, there may be others." We all bent ourselves to the task, and it was good to leave behind that field of bodies. It was good to think of nothing more than rowing, stilling only when our course was adjusted as the sound grew slowly louder, changing our heading by a few degrees each time. It took a good deal of time to finally point ourselves right at it and start moving faster.

The sea began to rise though, as did the wind, and we took a small wave over the side that left me and my benchmates soaked from our knees down and all of our feet swimming in water. The shock of it sent me to shivering, and I raised my feet as best I could. The sailors next to me offered to take the oar themselves, to let me go to the back of the boat and rest, but I shook my head. I was cold, but I could not be idle. If I was idle, I would scream.

The sea grew rougher and the bow dropped down a trough for a moment before the swell picked us back up. The sudden shift had the oars tangled for a moment before the sailors could sort them out and Lowe, cursing, ordered the mast brought up and the sail raised, saying he would take control of it himself. I hadn't even known there was a mast down below our feet, but the sailors were quick about raising it and the sail, before we all huddled closer to each other to try and get warm again. The wind that we were harnessing made the cold that much worse, but with the wind we could deal with the swell, rising and falling smoothly.

The sound grew louder, a mix of hoarse cries and sharp whistles, but it took so long to get to where we could see it. I must have been at the oar for hours as we searched. We had to make our way around ice, small pieces and larger bergs that the sound echoed off of before we caught a glimpse of the survivors. One of the sailors at the bow still had the light and was casting it about when he stopped, illuminating an absurd scene. For a moment it looked like a group of men were simply standing knee deep in the water, as if Christ had decided to let them join him for a walk, but as we drew closer I could see the boats beneath them, capsized but the air underneath them was enough that they could stay afloat. They swayed slightly as the swell rose, a voice rising to give orders to adjust the placement of the men to counteract the movement of the ocean.

Lowe stood up, rocking slightly in the boat. "Charles, is that you?"

"Harold, thank God." The group shifted to admit a man to walk through, and I recognized Second Officer Lightoller. He was pale, and I could see his clothing was soaked and almost frozen to his frame. "Get us off this damn thing." Our boat was brought alongside, and slowly the men entered. Their movements were stiff, and one man was carried by two others to the back. He looked very young, and his feet hung limply from him. They kept coming though, and with every one our boat settled lower into the water while their's rose. Eventually the first capsized boat was cleared and Lightoller started bringing over the men from the second. They looked almost like schoolboys trying to balance on a log as they crossed from one capsized boat to the next and then over the gunwales. But our boat was full before even half of them were on, the sea licking dangerously at the edge.

"Hold it, we're full up." One of the crewman at the bow said, "We'll come back for the rest." That set off a great groan from those still standing. They were no longer knee deep in the water, but it still covered their feet. A few started to move back to the other boat, trying to let the boats regain some height above the water so their feet would be dry.

Officer Lowe glared at the outspoken sailor, turning to Lightoller. "How many are left?"

"There's Moody, Murdoch, myself and probably ten others left." Lightoller said as he took stock of what he could see. When I heard Will's name I started from my daze and set myself to looking, trying to find him. But it was dark, only a bit of gray light at the horizon, and I could barely make out my hand in front of my face. Without the light of day, I had no idea where he was. I got an impression of pale oval faces as Lowe cast the light over them, and then they were gone. If it hadn't been for the crew making sure their boats didn't float away I might not have even known they were there.

Lowe moved back to the stern, pulling a length of rope from below a bench. "Then tie this line on and we'll tow all of you back to the main group." It took some time, and a great deal of cursing from quite a few of the men, apparently they had to reach into the water to find the cleats to secure the capsized boats, but eventually both of the capsized boats were tied behind us and we began to pull back to where we had come from. It was slow, even with the sail and the extra men on the oars. The capsized boats dragged behind us, I could hear Lightoller giving instructions to the others to go back and bringing some others forward. The sailors in my boat kept calling back, joking with the fellows being towed.

"Did you see our guest here, Tommy? She's been rowing harder than Stephen since we started!" One of the men next to me called back.

That drew a loud laugh from someone back on the boats. "Stephen, you're going to let a woman put you to shame in there?" Stephen, who I could only assume was the increasingly red faced man on the back port oars, cursed loudly at his friend. Officer Lowe turned, looking ready to call them back into some kind of order, but I caught his eye and shook my head. Let them joke, it did them well. It was good for all of us.

"Sorry, Miss." The sailor on my oar looked over, "Just something to keep our spirits up."

"I don't mind." I smiled, pulling on the oar. "It's better than what we've been hearing."

"Yes." He quieted for a moment. "I'm Charlie Ripkin, and this lump over here is Byron Jones." He elbowed the man next to him, who lost his grip for a second before grabbing the oar again and giving me a nod.

"Anastasia Dalian." I nodded to both of them, "It's a pleasure to meet the both of you."

The two of them gave a laugh at that before Charlie spoke up again. "Ah, you don't mean that. Couple of crass boys like us."

"You're better than some others I've met in the First Class areas." I tried to smile, but it didn't want to come. The two of them started on a discussion of what they called those 'pompous first class pricks', apologizing for the language but I told them I was actually quite eager to learn that type of speech. My education in the world of cursing began, and I actually grinned a bit when Lowe loudly called for them to shut their mouths. I winked at them, it was simply something to pass the time while we rowed. When we were talking about their favorite curses it was almost easy to forget what had just happened, to push it to the back of my mind. To keep from focusing on it and letting myself drown in my thoughts. We were beginning to get enough light to actually see by the time we got back to the main group.

The lifeboats looked so delicate sitting placidly on the waves, people sitting straight backed in them as they gently moved up and down. I could hear some talk over the water, some crying out for loved ones while others simply chatted about anything. One lady was even arguing with another about her smoking. Part of me wanted to be angry at them, for acting as if what had just happened was so trivial, but I knew they were as affected as I was, just dealing with it differently. At least I hoped so, I hoped that no one could be so callous as to ignore what had just happened.

Our boat pulled close to another, my oar among those shipped to allow men onboard to cross over to the less filled boat. My arms burned from the strain of the oar, and I could barely remove my hands from it, fingers still curled in a claw. Charlie and Byron were loudly ordered to get away from me and into another boat. I grabbed them before they went, giving them my address and telling them I would love for them to write. I think I actually embarrassed them with that, and they doffed their caps as they thanked me before moving on.

There was another shuffle as men were moved from our boats to others and the capsized boats were finally emptied, crewman clumsily dropping into ours and finding a place on a bench. I recognized the young officer who had asked me to help find women and children, remembering Officer Lightoller's words I figured he must be Officer Moody. Moody went onto another bench, dropping down like a puppet with its strings cut, and I was watching Officer Lightoller bring over the last man when I saw his face, hidden somewhat by a cap pulled low, but a face that I knew. I recognized him, pale and unmoving as he was, I would recognize him anywhere. "Will." I breathed, watching as Lightoller brought him along through the boat.

Lightoller must have heard me for he stopped by me, Will hanging off of his shoulder. "Miss Dalian, what are you-" He shook his head, shifting Will over and setting him on the bench by me. "Never mind, can I trust you to take care of him? He's had an awful blow with this and he was in the water for quite awhile."

I took Will's hand, cold and stiff. His gloves were practically ice, his hands must be nearly frozen inside. "Yes, you can."

"Don't let him go to sleep, no matter how much he wants. See if you can get that coat off him and get one of yours on him." Lightoller started working the brass buttons loose for me, "Keep moving his hands and feet. Hopefully it won't be too much longer."

"Is there a ship coming?" I couldn't help the hope in my voice, the desire to leave here. To get Will somewhere warm and kiss him, to have him hold me. I looked at Will, still as a sculpture as Lightoller finished unbuttoning his greatcoat. He barely seemed to recognize anyone, he didn't speak or reach out or anything. He must be half dead of cold. The sooner that ship arrived the better, for all of us.

"Should be, had one of the wireless boys on my boat and he said the Carpathia should be here soon as she could." He started moving on, "I've got to get everything sorted out with them, just keep him upright and awake."

With that, I was left with Will. If I could not see the slight puffs of air as he breathed, or the slow blinking of his eyes, I would have thought him dead. Ignoring his unseeing eyes I started working on his coat, getting him to stand up so I could pull it off and set it on the bench. He could barely stand though, and I would up pulling it out from underneath him when he shifted slightly, leaning against me while I tugged at his hands from in front. The greatcoat was soaked through, the jacket underneath and the lifebelt over it still wet. Even his hat was soaking wet, and I pulled it off and set it with his coat.

I ran my hands through his hair, trying to flick away any water that was left. It left his hair standing in every direction, but it was better than being plastered to his head. For a moment I thought about pulling the lifebelt off, but everyone else still wore their's so I left it. I stood and drew off one of my coats, wrapping it tightly around him and pulling the collar up so that it came up to his chin. I pulled my gloves off, rubbing my hands together to get some warmth in them and then pressing them to his face.

"Ana." He mumbled, his eyes finding mine. The blue eyes I so loved to look into were haunted, barely holding mine before they slid off into the distance. He didn't seem to focus on anything, not the horizon, not the sea, just looking beyond at something that I could not see.

I smiled even though I could barely move from the cold. It was painful, but I did my best to ignore it for him. "Will, you need to stay awake. Talk to me, please Will."

"You came back," He brought an arm up slowly, drawing me closer to him. His arm barely moved, more of a slight lift than the strong arm I had been in only a few hours ago. His jacket was icy, I could feel it even through the fur coat, so I brought up my mink and wrapped it around his shoulders. He looked at me as I was settling it on him, and I leaned forward and briefly pressed my lips to his forehead. His voice was hoarse, "I'm so glad to see you. Before I, oh Ana, I'm so cold."

My heart broke to hear him say it, he sounded like a man at a funeral, a man resigned to his fate. But I kept smiling, "I'm glad to see you too, and you saved all those men." I took his hands in mine, stripping off the soaked gloves. I shoved his hands up into my coat sleeves, feeling his fingers twitch slightly as I did. They were practically ice. It was difficult to get his fingers bent around my arms, and I had to keep myself from hissing when he finally pressed his fingers against my skin. He was so cold, what I could see of his shirt soaked and his sleeves still dripping. I could feel myself begin to cry as I leaned into him, the tears even colder on my cheeks. "Please Will, hold me. I can warm you."

He did not move. "I will only chill you. I am so tired Ana, please, just let me be."

I practically wrapped myself around him, ignoring the cold water that soaked into my coat, the water that lapped at my boots, the other people in the boat, focused only on drawing his head down to my shoulder and pulling my own coat over his head, creating a tent almost to hold in the heat. "No, I am so warm it will be nice to cool down. I rowed the whole time, I am warm enough that I feel I might start sweating." I smiled through my tears, continuing in an almost hysterical fashion. "Who else can I trust to hold me? To keep me company? I need you by me Will, and you need me." He didn't speak, but I felt him press into me slightly. "There, see? I will have you warm in just a moment and Officer Lightoller said a ship is coming. We'll get picked up and head out. And I can arrange passage for us anywhere after we get back to land. We can go to New York, and you can stay with me, or we can go to England and I can see your house. And we'll go somewhere where it never gets cold, California or Egypt. It will all be alright, I promise."

I felt him shudder as he breathed in, a sob catching in his throat. It was hard to make out what he said from where his face was buried in my shoulder, under my coat. "Why will you not leave me, Ana? I bring nothing but ruin. You would be better off if I was back in the water."

I brought my hand up around his head, holding him close as the slight waves rocked the boat. "Because I love you, William Murdoch, you silly man, and I am too stubborn to give up on you." And so we waited, holding each other close as the light slowly came up over the small party of lifeboats, waiting for any sign of rescue. I do not know if the wet I felt against my shoulder was the his damp clothing or if Will was crying where no one could see him, but I did not care. He was here, I would get him warm, that was all I would focus on. I took any weakness I felt, any thoughts of grieving or inaction, and threw them into the water. I would be strong, strong enough for Will, strong enough for Mother, strong enough to get through this and drag them through with me. There would be time for grief later, time when I could bear it. But I could not bear it now.

Not when the man I loved needed me to be strong.