Chapter One: (Are We There Yet?)
Shrek and Fiona finally returned home after spending their last day of their honeymoon. Despite having a wonderful and memorable time, they were truly relaxed and very happy to be seeing the good old swamp since the day they were wedded.
"Home sweet home." Fiona breathed out with such happiness.
Shrek nodded with a smile on his face while walking down with his new wife. "Yeah. It's good to be home."
Fiona looked at the new sign after they passed by and saw it was a warning sign with their faces on it. "Huh, looks like our son has taken his free time in making that for us. How sweet."
"Jason does have a gift in painting other than writing and physical storytelling." Shrek looked down at Fiona. "I know he will be excited to see us. Just think of it."
Shrek insanely swoops up Fiona in his arms right before hearing her giggle cutely. "A nice filthy dump hope in the ground swamp to call home with just you, and me, and…"
Suddenly the two heard a sudden tune of singing being heard from within the house itself. With no hesitation, Fiona reached out for the doorknob and opened the door. As soon as she did this, the two immediately saw Donkey laying down on the couch.
"Twoooo can be a badass one." Donkey sang without noticing them there.
Shrek couldn't believe it. "Donkey?."
Donkey shot up from the sound of his best friend's voice and became very enthusiastic. "Shrek!."
Shrek set Fiona down just as soon as Donkey pinned him up against the closed door. "Hey, calm down now."
"Give me a hug, you old love machine!." Donkey gave him the hug before chuckling. Then he turned his attention towards Fiona and walked over to her. "And look at you. Mrs. Ogre. Hey, about a rub on the side for your steed?."
Fiona chuckled before doing so. "Like it?."
"I love it!." said Donkey.
Shrek chuckled as Donkey gave Fiona a nuzzle. "How's everything been around here?. Where's Jason?."
As soon as Shrek said his son's name, Jason walked out from the hallway and was in utter excitement at seeing his father and new mom back from the honeymoon.
"Dad!. Mom!." Jason spoke as he quickly went to hug them.
Shrek and Fiona hugged their teenage son with such love and happiness and were at ease having to hug their kid.
"Oh, we missed you so much." Fiona said as she picked him up slightly off the ground.
"You guys look so happy!." Jason exclaimed, his eyes shining with joy.
"We had a great time, buddy." Shrek ruffled his son's hair, which had grown a bit since they left. "But we missed you like crazy."
Jason nodded. "Yeah, I miss you guys too. My career as a published author has gone through the roof. I'm basically wealthy."
"Yes, we overheard your book during our honeymoon." said Fiona with a smirk. "I still hated that you depicted me as an indoor dumb dumb."
"Hey, I didn't overdid it in the book. I jot down what I hear and see, Mom." said Jason, with a shrug.
Fiona rolled her eyes playfully and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Oh, come on. You know I was kidding."
"Can't tell." Jason playfully spoke.
The door opened once again, this time it was Goldi who was carrying a big bag sack on her shoulder before closing the door back. Shrek is in disbelief at seeing this girl back once again before feeling his panic anxiety kicking in. He most definitely doesn't want her in his family much less marry his son. Goldi looked at Shrek and Fiona with a big grin showing her carved bear-like fangs before speaking in her British accent.
"Oh, you guys are back!." Goldi said with her usual cheerfulness. "Ay, I've been keeping your son company while you're away. Oh, and Jason here is your another load of fan mail from the postal office. This is the eighteenth gallon sack of mail this week."
Jason's cheeks reddened slightly, and he took the sack from Goldi's shoulder. "Thanks, Goldi. You didn't have to go through all that trouble."
"Ah, nonsense, love." Goldi began to snuggle into his chest with her right leg in the air. "Once we say, I Do, you'll get a lot of loving and caring from me."
Shrek felt a knot in his stomach, his eyes widening at the thought of Goldi and Jason together. He cleared his throat loudly, trying to cut through the awkwardness. "So, Jason, how's your book selling?."
Jason spoke with such happiness. "Oh, it's stupendous. The money keeps flowing like water. They say it's the top seller in any bookstore."
"That's fantastic, darling." said Fiona, before looking at Donkey. "By the way, Donkey, aren't you supposed to be at home with Dragon?."
"Her name is Elizabeth, Mom. I named her." Jason pointed out.
"Oh, that is right." Fiona nodded.
Donkey ears dropped. "Oh, well…she has been all moody and stuff."
Shrek raised his brow. "Like how?."
"Uh…" Jason started to recall that memory.
Flashback
"Get Out, Get Out, Get Out!." Elizabeth roared before blowing fire.
"Run for it, Donkey!." Jason ran as quickly as possible.
"I'm running as fast as my hooves can move!." Donkey said, running for his life.
"Uh…let's just say she needs her personal space for a while and I let Donkey stay here for a while." Jason explained. "Just until she cools off."
"Hopefully it doesn't take too long." said Goldi, before remembering something. "Oh, Jason, don't forget to get our luggage packed."
"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot." Jason nodded before looking at his parents. "I'm going on my first ever book fair tour. The place that I'll be going to for a few weeks is…"
Suddenly they hear drums pounding outside to their confusion before they decide to open the door to see royal dressed up men standing on each side to form a double line. Horns were being played while a man walked through the aisle until reaching the end. The amused introduction was ruined when the last horn player started to play solo to his delight, until his boss slapped him on the back of his head.
"That is quite enough, Reggie." He told him before approaching Shrek and the others before opening his scroll. "Dearest Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…" He stopped to look at Shrek and then at Jason for a few seconds before going on. "Uh…Prince Charming and bestowing a high reward and title to his squire. Love, the King and Queen of Far Far Away. Aka Mom and Dad."
After hearing this message, this put a such warm happy feeling within Fiona. Her mother and father have heard of her rescue and are now inviting her back home to celebrate not only her freedom, but also celebrate her union of marriage. For Shrek on the other hand he isn't so thrilled about going somewhere after finally returning home, but more importantly going to a high class society and meeting Fiona's parents who just happened to be the king and queen of all kingdoms. Jason was in utter shock to just finally learn that Queen Lillian, the same woman that came so far to get his own book along with wanting him to sign it for her, happens to be his new grandmother. And as for Goldi and Donkey, well she just won the mega jackpot as she is grinning from ear to ear, and Donkey sees an opportunity to go travel.
"Mom and Dad?." Fiona spoke with utter happiness.
"Prince Charming?." Shrek looked at Fiona with confusion.
"Ah, boy." Jason crossed his arms and shook his head.
"Jackpot!." Goldi spoke with enthusiasm.
"Fancy Ball?!." Donkey looked at them with such shared enthusiasm. "Can I come?."
"Are you kidding?. Yes!." Fiona happily spoke.
"Oh, this is so juuuusssstttt riiiigggghhhhtttt." Goldi said, as she rubbed her hands together. "I'm going to upset a lot of young princesses when they find out that a felon is a high class princess."
Shrek and Jason looked at each other knowing full well of the real situation at hand. Them going to Far Far Away is a guarantee box of disaster with a side of chaos. They can imagine what will happen if they dare step foot together in a place like this. It be stupid to go.
"Uh, we're really not going are we?." Shrek broke the ice.
"I agree with Dad. This is foolish." Jason agreed and put his two coins in.
"What?!." Fiona, Goldi, and Donkey spoke in unison with a shocked look on their faces.
"Come on, you guys think it is going to be smooth sailing in Far Far Away with two Ogres, a moor, a wanted felon, and a talking donkey?." Jason waited for a response from his mom, girlfriend, and animal.
Fiona looked at her son and her husband with a sparkle in her eye. "Jason, dear, your grandparents are going to love you just the way you are. And as for us, well, we're a bit more than just two Ogres and a donkey. We're family and we're going to represent the new, improved Swamp Kingdom!."
"Ah, heck no. That's not convincing." said Jason, before being nudged by Goldi.
"Jason, darling, we're going to have so much fun together, and your grandparents are going to love me!." Goldi exclaimed, her eyes twinkling with excitement.
"And they must love talking Donkeys!." Donkey spoke in such excitement.
"Yeah, in fantasy land." Shrek looked at Fiona. "Fiona, don't you think your parents will be a little bit shocked to see you like...this?."
Fiona nodded in understanding. "I see your point, Shrek. Yes, they will be a bit baffled but they are my parents, Shrek. If they can accept me for how I look, then I know they will accept both you and Jason."
Shrek is in denial. "Yeah, I don't see myself or Jason being welcome at the country club."
Fiona looked at Shrek, her expression serious. "They need to know that I've found true love and happiness. And if they can't accept that, then maybe it's time for them to change their perception of what's important. Besides, they just want to get to know the both of you."
"Oh, what?. Know to trust us enough to sharpen their pitchforks?." Shrek said in a bit of upsetness.
"Speak for yourself, Dad." Jason crossed his arms. "They want me to either serve as a slave or go harvest some sugar canes in the nearest owned plantation."
"Hey!." Fiona got upset with the two. "My parents aren't like that!. They value multiracial." She then looks at the double alfro blond teen. "Goldi, do you know any facts about King Herold and Queen Lillian?."
Goldi nodded. "Yes, they're quite the open-minded rulers, actually. They're known for their acceptance and love for their subjects." She looked at Shrek with a smirk. "And apparently, they're not too picky about their in-laws."
"You just added that last park, little criminal." Shrek frowned a little. "And I still say we aren't going."
"Agreed." Jason spoke. "Especially..."
"Ah, no, mate " Goldi grabs him by his shirt and makes sure he sees her face. "You're under contract in going to Far Far Away for book signing and all that sense. Remember?."
Jason nodded, "Oh yeah, the book tour. I can't avoid it."
Shrek isn't going to take it and isn't leaving his swamp. "I'm telling you, Fiona, it is a very bad idea."
Fiona isn't going to take it either. "So, that is it?. We're not going."
"Fiona, I'm putting my foot down." Shrek looked right at her face. "We're not going and that is final."
One thing led to another, Fiona and Goldi loaded their luggages onto the back of the same carriage that she and Shrek rode on. Donkey, who hopped on the back with the luggage.
"Come on, Shrek!. Jason!. We don't want to get caught in traffic!." Donkey called out.
Fiona and Goldi both crossed their arms and waited for their boys to get out of the house. Shrek opens the door with Jason leaving out with a sigh while carrying two books to read to past the time. Shrek sighed as he exited out of his home and walked past the group that his son called up to watch the house and swamp for them while they were away. And they were Gingy, Wolf, Ivy, Pinocchio, the three Blind Mice, the Three Pigs, and of course Goldi's family.
"Don't worry!. We'll take care of everything!." Gingy spoke before he and the others rushed right inside the house.
Without a moment to waste they immediately started turning on the music and began partying. Shrek sighed as the carriage started moving while he watched himself leaving his beloved swamp. Donkey started singing his road trip song while Goldi began reading her book on royal manners and how to act like a princess.
"Seriously?. You are going to read that doing our whole ride to Far Far Away?." Jason got her attention.
Goldi looked up from her book. "What? It's to better myself for your family, Jason. Besides, I don't want to mess up and get us in any other way. I want them to see me as a worthy person in joining the royal family."
Fiona rolled her eyes and took the book from her. "Goldi, sweetie, you're going to be just fine. You don't need to change who you are for anyone." She handed the book back. "Now, let's just relax and enjoy the ride."
The carriage ride to Far Far Away was long and filled with both excitement and trepidation. The closer they got to the castle, the more nervous Shrek and Jason became. However, they wish that the trip was a lot quicker and not being literal with where they were going. Now, they all have to deal with Donkey's infamous annoying irritation.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey asked.
"We haven't left our area yet, Donkey." Jason tells him while opening his book to read.
Donkey nods with a sigh, "Okay, okay, I'll behave." He says before looking out the window, seeing the scenery change from the swampy area to more civilized lands. "Are we there yet?."
Fiona chuckles, patting him on the shoulder. "Patience, Donkey. It's a journey, not a sprint."
They found themselves on an empty road with no civilization and yet, Donkey continues asking the same question and irritating the four of them.
"Hey, Goldi, are we there yet?." Donkey began to irritate the teenage criminal.
"Not even close, Donkey." Goldi replied with a hint of annoyance, her nose still buried in her book.
Then a few hours later they see a sign that reads eight hundred miles to Far Far Away. A rainy storm had hit and it's raining pretty good, luckily Shrek packed food for the trip and served while Goldi's stomach finally managed to adjust to Ogre cuisine as she was munching down on rat filet sandwiches.
"Seriously, you guys eat these?." Goldi looked at her sandwich before taking another bite.
Shrek nodded, "They're not so bad, once you get used to it. For new people I mean."
"Well, it's definitely...unique." Goldi said, trying to be polite.
Fiona wiped her mouth before going for another bite until...
"Hey, are we there yet, Fiona?." Donkey asked.
Fiona sighed in irritation. "No. Not yet."
"Okay, okay. I'll be good." Donkey promised, though his tail kept swishing back and forth.
Hours pass and the surrounding areas are covered in snow while snowfall is dropping. Still, Donkey can't comprehend that Far Far Away is more than a name and place. It is their travel distance.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey asked again.
"Yes." Shrek spoke in fake excitement.
"Wait, really?." Donkey got excited.
"No!." Shrek responded.
The back and forth of are they there yet and a lot of no's for the past couple days was getting under Shrek, Fiona, Jason, and Goldi's patience.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey asked again.
"Grrrr, no!." Goldie answered in irritation.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey asked for the thousandth time.
"No." Jason spoke as he closed his book after losing his page yet again.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey asked for the two thousand times with a singing tune.
"No." Fiona is losing her grip.
"But are we close though?." Donkey asked.
Goldi started pulling her double alfro buns. "This has got to be my personal eternal hell."
Shrek looked at Goldi, "Well, it's not like you didn't ask to come."
Goldi shot him a look that could melt ice. "I didn't know it was going to be a never-ending carriage ride with your son's annoying talking donkey, who keeps asking the same question every two minutes."
Fiona couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, you'll get used to it, Goldi. Donkey's enthusiasm is just...infinite."
Shrek nodded. "Yeah, you could say that. But he does have a point. We've been on this carriage for what feels like forever." He looked at Jason, who was now scrolling through his book, his eyes glazed over. "How much longer do we have, son?."
Jason looked up from his book, his thumb still keeping his page. "According to the map, we're about halfway there. Give or take."
"Halfway?" Goldi's voice was filled with disbelief. "This carriage is going to be my coffin."
Jason chuckled. "Cheer up, Goldi. We're almost there. Hopefully."
"For your animal's sake." Goldi spoke with anger. "I'm seconds away from going up there to strangle him until he slowly passes away."
"Now, Goldi, that's not nice. Donkey means well." Jason tried to calm her down.
Fiona leaned in closer to Goldi and whispered, "Trust me, we know the feeling."
The final hours upon destination has finally been upon them as their patience has finally got shattered.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey received a loud response.
"Nooooooo!." Shrek, Fiona, Jason, and Goldi yelled in anger.
"Are we there yet?." Donkey and Shrek said together.
Donkey started to get upset. "Ok, that isn't funny." Shrek repeats it at the same time.
"Oh, that is really mature." Donkey and Shrek said it once again.
Donkey sighed and dared speak. "You know no one likes a copycat mocking Ogre."
"You know no one likes a copycat mocking Ogre." Shrek repeats it.
"Alright, you win!." Donkey sighed.
"Thank you." Shrek relaxed in his seat.
"But come on, Shrek. Guys, there's no inflight movie or nothing." spoke Donkey with boredom.
"The point of Far Far Away is where we are going, Donkey. Far Far Far...Away." said Shrek, when adding insanity to it.
"Alright, Alright, it's just that I'm just darn bored!." Donkey protested.
"Well, find something to entertain yourself!." Shrek snapped.
Quietness finally came. Goldi has a feeling that it will not go in their favor. And how right she is as Donkey started to make popping noises with his mouth. It is irritating Shrek to no end.
"For crying out loud. For just five lousy minutes. Can you please not be yourself..." Shrek turned to face Donkey. "For five minutes!."
"Yes, please!." Goldi spoke in agreement.
Donkey looked hurt for a second before deciding to entertain them with a story. "Alright, alright, I got one that'll knock your socks off! Once upon a time, in a land far, far away..."
"No... don't." Jason stopped him. "Anything but that."
Donkey sighed for a short second before being an ass about. Fiona, who was looking at the window can sense Donkey easing in closer in-between herself and Shrek. Goldi was about to go beat the animal senseless if it wasn't for Jason grabbing her back, despite her resistance. Donkey made one last pop noise and enraged Shrek.
"Ahhhh!." Shrek yelled. "Are we there yet?!."
Fiona looked forward and her expression went from fatigue to excitement and turned to the others. "Yes!."
Shrek's expression went from anger to anxiety. Jason is both anxious and excited. Donkey happily got up out of the carriage and looked at the massive kingdom.
"Oh, finally!." said Donkey.
"Agreed." Goldie looks at her side of the window and sees the sign in gold and bold. "Welcome, visitors or residents, old and new, to Far Far Away. Oh, I am so darn eating myself the finest oatmeal that the kingdom has to offer."
Jason shook his head. "You and your love for oatmeal."
"Hey, it's the simple things in life that keep me happy. And pie." Goldi smirked before looking at the surroundings. "They didn't title Far Far Away the golden upper class city for nothing."