As if on cue, I woke up and immediately eyed the clock beside me and read 4am. I've never been a morning person but ever since I've become a mom, my body clock has now been wired to pull me from sleep around this hour.
I'd like to think about it as muscle memory; since lately I've been pulled from sleep either by the cries of my newborn daughter or the slow yet determined hand of her father as he map the curves of my femininity.
Neither of those things are present right now and I am thankful that the dawn also didn't hit squarely at my face and I can borrow a few more time in bed.
Basking on the absence of a cry, a hand, or a ray of sunshine, I tried to close my eyes again as I let the Vermont air that surrounded the house pulled me back to sleep.
Don't get me wrong, I've been embracing my new-mom-era and I certainly love some love touches from Fitz in the morning (of course I do!) but I also rarely got this silence or this kind of slow mornings and having this today made me sigh and enjoy this little luxury.
I was midway to another sleep though when soft whispers began humming out of the baby monitor. I couldn't make up of what the sounds are saying but the voice while it was soft – almost whispering even - was too gruff to be Bella's, my four month old.
With both eyes still closed, I reached out behind me and only then I realized Fitz is no longer beside me. He must have been up for quite sometime as the bed feels cold to touch. Putting together the voice in the baby monitor and his absence, I instantly knew where he is right now.
Tightening my robe around me, I made my way towards the nursery before carefully pushing the door open. The slow melody of the music box, which came from Abby, greeted my hearing and the soft glow of the night light softly touching everything in the room made me feel like I am going inside a dream I never thought I'll never have.
I can't help but to drawn in a smile as I took in Bella's nursery. It was Fitz's idea that she'll get the second biggest room in the house, at least for now that she's a baby. I remember the mini argument we had about how the space was completely unnecessary but he already got it decked out the following week after that same argument.
At one side there's a white wooden crib and a changing table and on the other side is the huge beige tepee that I knew would be better off to our garden than Bella's nursery. Next to it is an equally too-large-for-a-newborn beige teddy bear Fitz got for our daughter, pastel-colored wooden blocks, and the stroller we got a few weeks earlier.
To its right is an archway that would lead to a small walk-in closet I filled with baby clothes that is still too big for Bella to wear. A white door ends the little hall which will lead you to her ensuite bathroom.
I inwardly smiled as I remember how Abby commented that this room was every baby girl's dream. Fitz made sure it would be and I couldn't help but to internally agree. One look at her face the moment she was born, I knew I wanted to giver her the world. The love I have for my little girl, so huge and deep I can't even comprehend it's possible.
Soft whispers coming farther form the bedroom, though, stopped my musings.
In the sea of soft yellow painted walls and projected light show, is a Lazy Boy facing a window and on it is the love of my life holding the little bundle of joy we created out of love, our Bella.
I soft padded towards them, afraid that I might make a sound and disturb the little peace they created. My heart all the more melting at the sight of my four-month old dressed in a yellow jumpsuit, laying flat on her stomach on her daddy's chest. Her soft brown curls crowning her little head and her chubby hands landing softly on her father's sternum.
"Know that daddy have always wanted you and love you and," I heard Fitz whispered. I was so entranced with the scene that I didn't notice that I managed to choke back how happy I was. The sound I made, catching Fitz's attention and as our eyes met for the first time that morning, both our lips drawn in a smile.
"Hi," he softly said.
"Hi," I replied before closing the gap between us and taking the small circular chair beside the Lazy Boy he was in. "You're up early," I said.
"Well, she woke up," Fitz supplied. I gave him a knowing look knowing too well that Bella would stir in her sleep from time to time only for her to go back to her dreams. Fitz is just too wrapped around her finger to even let her wail away.
I rolled my eyes jokingly at him before laying a hand on Bella's little head. She was so deep in sleep that she didn't even stir. Her eyelids covering the blue eyes she obviously got from her father.
"Hi baby," I whispered, pulling myself closer to hear face as I lay my head down on Fitz's shoulder.
"I don't want to break this out to you but she and I have gotten closer since 3am," the former president boasted.
"Let see about that when she's 16 and you won't let her out to sleep over," I countered knowing too well how he would be once our daughter reaches her teenager years. Hell, even Karen agreed her father would be different with Bella.
"Oh she could, but she'll have my personal agents with her when that happens," Fitz said earning a chuckle from me before we fell on a comfortable silence.
"I can't believe we made this little angel, Liv," he whispered as he gave a quick sniff of that addicting baby's smell.
"Well, I did all the work on this one," I joked and had to hold my laugh when Fitz's hand instantly went to cover our daughter's ear before eyeing me incredulously.
"Liv!" he jokingly called out. "And for the record, I did a huge part too," he added, his voice so low, almost whispering.
"Yeah, fine, you did. No complains here," I said with a chuckle.
"But seriously," Fitz said a beat after, "we did good, Liv."
"We did good," I agreed before settling my head on his shoulder again.
"Who would have thought? After all that's happened," he whispered, "we still got her,"
"Yeah." I agreed with a hint of melancholy.
Reaching out to touch my daughter's hand again, a slight pain pierced to my heart when I realized that we almost lost the chance to have her. With our whirlwind history, after an abortion and a miscarriage – there was a time that I doubt Fitz and I would still have a chance to be together let alone have a baby; and now looking at our daughter's angelic face, my heart doubles in size knowing I have another human to have and to hold forever, to protect from anybody who comes in to hurt her just like what I did with her father years earlier.
"I love you, Bella," I whispered, feeling Fitz's lips on my head.
A comfortable silence fell upon us as we relish this little moment of dawn. The sun is beginning to paint the sky yellow in the distance and the music box continues to play out soft rhythm adding some solemnity of the morning.
"Liv," Fitz said, his voice breaking the silence.
"Yeah?" I asked, raising my head to look into those blue eyes that also owned my heart.
My soul, however, funnily leaving my body when he said with extra glint in his eyes, "You think you're ready for another one of this?"