Liz and Oscar truly did their best the day before the anniversary of the sinking. Carriage rides in the park, another large dinner with ice cream and dancing to rags in the parlor once we were home, they really did everything they could to try and help us feel better. It actually hurt to see Oscar so dearly trying to get Will and I to join in the fun, and my steps when Oscar pulled me into a rag were slow and clumsy. He gave my hand a squeeze, "Come on now, I know you can dance better than that."

I looked down, trying to focus on the steps. "I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to apologize, I just want you to be happy, Anastasia." He spun me around quicker and quicker. "I know it's a hard time, but I don't want you to focus on it. I want you to be happy." He leaned a bit closer, his voice whispering. "You know that's what Gareth would have wanted too, he was never the type to dwell on the sadness. Don't disappoint him, and me. I just want you to smile, just a little smile. For me, please?"

The corners of my lips twitched up, especially when Oscar's hands began to lightly tickle my sides. "That's cheating."

"It got you to smile, didn't it?" Oscar chuckled, settling the two of us down onto a pair of chairs. Liz and James were still dancing as the phonograph in the parlor turned over to another song, but Will reached over for my hand. He'd been quiet all day, somber in the carriage, even when I had convinced Oscar to come join us and let Liz and James have a carriage to themselves. I had thought he would have found it funny to see Oscar fume as the two of them began to sit a bit closer to each other, especially when our carriage fell behind them and they were lost to our sight. Oscar had probably played up his anger to try and entertain us, but it still hadn't worked.

"Will," I squeezed his hand. "Do you want to head up?" I saw his nod from the corner of my eye, and the two of us made our good nights to the others. I embraced Oscar, my voice low. "Thank you for today."

He returned my hug. "I just wish I could have done better." He didn't give me a chance to respond, haranguing Liz to leave James for a moment and come bid me good night. I embraced her and then James, and stood close to Will as we made our way up the stairs. Every flight seemed to take an hour to climb, and he kept hold of my hand all the while.

I turned to him when we came to the landing, pressing my head to his shoulder. "It's just one night."

"It was." He brought an arm up to hold me closer. "One night that will stay with me forever."

"We'll have so many more to replace it."

"There's no replacing it, Ana. We're going to have to live through it, every year. Any time we get mentioned, so will that night." His voice was bitter and cold, but he pressed me to him. "No matter how many nights I have with you, no matter how many years, we will always have to have that night. It's a part of us."

"So we should learn to live with it, instead of dread it." I threw my arms around his shoulders, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "It will seem so much brighter in the morning."

Will's voice was a whisper. "But the night is so dark." He stepped away at that, and I could hear Reggie speaking to him when he entered his rooms.

Louise was waiting for me, a cup of hot chocolate and a shot of whiskey with it. She smiled as she held both out. "I thought you might need it tonight, Miss Dalian." I took the whiskey first, tossing it back and hissing as it burned its way down my throat.

"Thank you, Louise." I took the hot chocolate next, nursing it as she quickly stripped me out of my clothes and into a bath. I detected Peggy's hand in the bath, the smell of lavender redolent. I tried to let it calm me, leaning back and closing my eyes. I focused on the smell, the warmth, all the comfort that the people around me were trying to provide. But I knew it would be of little help, not when all I could remember was Ezekiel coming in a day ago to say that he had sent Morgan to Mother because Mr. Rigby had called in a panic. Mother had become withdrawn, not eating, and he needed help if she was to make it through in some semblance of reasonableness. Ezekiel had apologized, saying that he would have stayed but that Abe was headed out and he'd missed too many trips. He'd left me with a hug and a promise to call on me the moment he returned.

The only company in my rooms, once I had dried off and been draped in a soft nightgown, was Rigel. He'd been my constant companion recently, and I often woke up with him laying beside my bed, my hand dangling over and barely touching him. He came over now, his tongue out and ready to give me a kiss. I ruffled his ears when he came to his spot on the rug beside my bed. "You ready for bed, boy?" He settled down, but he was tall enough that I was able to keep petting him until I rolled back onto my sheets. I dreaded sleep, but I knew it would come.

And it did.

I stared up the side of the ship, watching Will as he directed our boat down. I didn't even hear Lowe shoot, and when I turned I didn't recognize anyone. Just blurry figures rowing us farther away. I struggled to the stern, still looking at Will. He was looking down to me, and I felt myself freeze when I saw Father at his side. A great groan came from the ship, and she slipped farther under. The movement jostled everyone, and I watched as those two figures hurtled over the railing and into the water.

"Stop!" I yelled, and the boat stilled. I could see them, white water around their arms as they struggled to the surface. I reached over, my hands grasping for any part of them, a hand, a finger, anything that I could use to pull them in. They were close now, their faces pale and I watched as Father's arms slowed. I was screaming as he slipped below the surface, and Will didn't make it much farther. But I could still see both of them, just under the surface.

The boat shifted under me as I leaned over the gunwale, reaching for either of them. I tried to ignore the pain when my fingers broke through the calm water, the needles that stabbed themselves into my fingertips. Then my wrists. Then my arms. I had almost grasped Will's hand when the boat shifted, throwing me into the water. I kept my eyes open, everything foggy as I tried to get my bearings. But I could still see Will and Father, bubbles slipping from frozen lips as they sank father from me.

And then the bubbles were coming from my own lips as I screamed and screamed.

"Anastasia!" I shot upright, my throat raw and the sheets twisted around me, sending Peggy stumbling away from my bed. The only sounds in my room were my breathing, the ticking of the clock and Rigel's whining. Peggy slowly approached the bed again. "Shhh, Miss, it's alright."

I was almost panting, my heart racing. "I'm sorry Peggy, I didn't mean to-"

"You can't exactly control it." She ran a hand through my hair, what wasn't braided over my back. "Why not let the dog up, just for tonight?" She turned to Rigel, patting the bed and sending him up next to me. "Give me a moment, I'll be right back." My breathing had calmed by the time she returned, although I was practically wrapped around Rigel. I only let him go when I saw the bottle she was carrying. "I think a brandy is allowed tonight."

I greedily grabbed for the bottle, taking a long swallow. "Thank you."

"I said 'a brandy'." She snatched the bottle back. "As in from a glass, really, Miss." She kept the bottle as she grabbed a glass from my vanity, filling it with a few fingers. "Drink this, and try to remember that they're just dreams. They're not real." I nodded, sipping at the glass until it was empty. Peggy stayed until I was almost asleep, brushing her hand down my shoulder until she felt I was soothed enough.

But not even Rigel could stop the nightmares.

Liz had really outdone herself, the church was festooned and garlanded within an inch of its life with forget-me-nots and peach roses. Silk ribbon twisted itself around every pew, and every scrap of wood had been polished and waxed. The carpet running down the center aisle was red as blood, freshly cleaned and brushed. I sighed as I looked into the mirror in the antechamber that had been given over as a bridal suite for the day.

After helping me into my gown and dressing my hair, the other bridesmaids had fluttered off and left me to myself. I smiled at myself in the mirror, my cheeks rosy and skin clear. My sapphire necklace glittered in the light, warm under my glove from the heat of my skin. My gown itself seemed to glow, the light making the silk gleam and shine. I couldn't help the smile on my face, simply glad that this day had come.

A knock sounded on the door, "Anastasia, are you decent?"

"Yes." I called over my shoulder, feeling my heart swell as Father walked in. I stood to embrace him, glad that he had recovered somewhat. His memory was still not the best, but he at least didn't have to have Mother prompt him every day. I brushed at his lapels, ash under my fingers. "Father, celebrating already? I can smell the champagne, you know."

"It's not every day your daughter gets married." He chuckled, pulling my hands up and kissing them. "Would you really begrudge your poor old father a bit of joy?"

I laughed, "You know I wouldn't, but how can you make it to the reception if you celebrate yourself into exhaustion before its even started?"

He shook his head, his hazel eyes light. "Then we had best get you down the aisle, everyone's waiting."

"Will has waited long enough," I turned, searching. "He can wait a few more minutes while I find my bouquet."

"Anastasia, what are you talking about?" The joviality had left Father's voice.

I looked back to him, reminding myself to be patient. His memory may have recovered somewhat, but he still had his moments. "William Murdoch, Father, my fiancé. You know William, remember?"

"I've never met anyone named William, let alone your fiancé." He stepped forward, and I was suddenly reminded of how tall he was. "You're marrying Oscar, he's waiting for you."

I pursed my lips. "Father, we met William on the Titanic, remember? He was the first officer, we had luncheon on the first day and you gave him permission to come courting later. You even gave him cigars after he proposed." How could he have forgotten about William? William, who had gotten all of us into a boat when we had struck the iceberg. William, who had found us on the Carpathia and had clung to me like I had been the deck chair he had clung to until a boat had gotten him. Will, who I had spent an entire night awake with when the dreams became too much. I twisted my hands together. "Father, please, I know you have trouble sometimes but please, please remember him."

His face fell as I spoke, and the hand that took mine was far too gentle. "Oh, my dear, I know you've tried hard to convince yourself that he made it off. And I have had people looking, Southampton, Scotland, anywhere that he could have turned up, but we've never seen hide nor hair of him"

I couldn't even summon the strength to pull my hand from his, feeling my heart twist and my lips begin to quiver. "You're confused, he's waiting for me. I bought him a uniform for the wedding, for God's sake!" My voice was harsh and I saw Father flinch slightly. "He calls me Ana! You're lying, he's waiting for me!"

"No, he's not." Father was firm now, and he gripped my hand tightly. "Oscar is waiting for you, he loves you and has been patient while I've indulged you in this fantasy, but enough is enough. You need to stop living in this dream of yours." I felt tears in my eyes, and I clapped my hands over them. I leaned into Father as he pulled me to him. "I'm sorry child, truly, but it's time. Now, give me a smile. Just a little smile."

I woke with the sheets twisted around me, my skin clammy and Rigel pawing at me. I shoved him away, my face in my hands as sobs began to wrench their way out. Was that what it would have been, if Father had lived? I wouldn't have had Will? Not Will, not Rigel, not James, just the life that I had been living before. I couldn't even temper my voice as I cried loudly, feeling the sobs tear themselves out of me with a violence that was shocking. Rigel whined, trying to force his face close to mine. I tried to control myself, I truly did, especially when Peggy came back in. But there was no soothing this, the pain that had seemed to have taken up residence in my heart and refused to leave. I couldn't describe how it felt, what exactly I was crying over, whether it was grief over Father or fear of what could have been. It hardly mattered, not when I could brely breathe and wound up shoving my way out of Peggy's arms and rushing for the toilet.

William Murdoch sat in the leather upholstered chair in his sitting room, a bottle of whiskey in his hand and his eyes on the fire. He'd built it himself, he wasn't going to ring for a servant right now. He took a long pull of the liquor, hoping that it would calm his mind. He knew that tonight was going to be rough, how could it not be? A year since the sinking, and the papers had made sure he remembered it. Every morning when he had read the news he'd seen articles about it, and the reporters seemed to revel in it when discussing the trial.

But even they couldn't have imagined what he'd dreamed.

He was back on deck, the weight of the Webley both familiar and strange at the same time. He knew how to shoot, he had to prove his marksmanship for the Reserves at least every other year, but he never kept a pistol on him normally. But it was necessary now, with the crowd of men trying to rush past the line of deckhands holding them back. Hell, even Wilde was holding them back, a morale booster for the men to see their Chief Officer holding the line with then. His breath came in short bursts, both collapsible wouldn't fit all of these men. There'd be fighting, and he knew he'd have to do something.

Women and children, that was what he was to look for. But every time he looked back to the crowd it was just men, but his duty was to see the others off first. How as he going to do it though? He obviously couldn't ask them to respect his orders, that time had past. So all he could do was hold his gun on them, using the threat of it to keep them in line. How well that would work once the collapsible was in the falls though, he didn't know.

"Almost ready, sir!" A seaman called out from behind him, and he turned his head back for just a moment to see the boat being lifted into the davit. But then there was movement out of the corner of his eye, and his reaction frightened even him. He whipped back around, seeing the figure that had rushed past the line and the gun discharged.

Her brown eyes were wide as her fingers brushed the bloody hole in her stomach. "Will?"

"Ana, oh God." He took a step towards her, but she moved back. Unbalanced, she fell over the railing into the water. There was no splashing of her trying to recover her balance, and he practically threw himself into the water after her. It was bloody, and somewhat lit from the lights in the ship that had sunk below the water, but he couldn't find her. She was sinking, blonde hair dark and floating around her like a crown, and he dove after her. If he could reach her, touch her, it would be alright. He'd die with her, and even when he went down to Hell he knew she'd ascend.

He could only hope that she'd talk the Almighty into taking mercy on him, but he had to reach her.

Will shook himself from his thoughts as a thud against his door roused him. More than likely it was just a servant, perhaps Peggy. He'd already heard her head to Ana's room once, her voice worried as she spoke quietly to herself. It had taken far too much of his strength to not force the door and see her, but he gripped the bottle tighter. They were to see tonight through on their own, he couldn't go to her without being banished from the house. But there was that thud again, something large throwing itself against the door. He groaned as he stood, opening it and admitting a rather frantic Rigel.

Will knelt down, looking closely at the dog. "Easy boy, easy." But Rigel was whining, clearly unsettled and twisting himself around his legs. He was almost herding him towards the door, and when Will looked outside he could see the door to Ana's room open wide. He let the dog push him onwards, moving through the dark sitting room and finding Peggy almost collapsed on Ana's bed, her face in her hands. Will tried to keep his voice calm, but he couldn't stop his tongue. "What the bloody hell is going on? The dog's all bothered, Peggy what is it?"

It wasn't that he hated the housekeeper, she was a very kind woman and had done much for him, but she knew that himself and Ana had needed each other right after the sinking, and yet she had forbidden him knowing what was coming. Her voice was tremulous when she spoke, "It's Miss Anastasia, William. She's crying hard enough that she's been sick and there's nothing I can do. She won't tell me why and even the dog can't get her to stop." She shook her head. "I can't fix this, but maybe you can. Stay in her rooms again, I don't care. Just make her stop crying." Peggy closed her eyes as a wail came from the bathroom, one that would have Marley hang up his ghostly chains in shame that he could not capture such pain. "It's breaking my heart."

Will glanced towards the bathroom, "I'll do what I can. Go back to bed." Peggy almost ran from the room, and Will turned his feet towards the sobs that were coming in an almost constant chorus. He could hear the click of claws as Rigel followed him, and he had to pause for a moment to take in the sight that greeted him. Ana had practically collapsed on the cold tile floor, her shoulders shaking from the force of her grief. Peggy had clearly tried to do her best, a number of handkerchiefs had been piled by her, a blanket thrown over her shoulders and he could see the marks of sickness on a towel by her.

He couldn't help but groan as he sat down next to her, slowly wrapping his arms around her and pulling her to him. He didn't try to speak for awhile, simply letting her cry into his chest for awhile. He remembered what his mother had done when he was upset, and gently began to rock her gently as he shushed her. "It's alright, it's alright. I'm here, we're safe. Shhhh, I've got you."

Her voice was muffled by where her face was shoved into his pajamas. "But you, you were gone and Father-"

"A nightmare, nothing more." He pulled her in tighter, not wanting to hear what she had tortured herself with. "I've had my own tonight."

She was quiet for a moment. "What was it?"

"I'd prefer not to say." He pressed a kiss to her brow, his lips still pursed after he pulled away. Sharing nightmares was not something he wanted to do. "Now, let's get you off the floor." It took him a moment to arrange her to where he could lift her up, carrying her to the bed and getting her settled with the blanket still around her. Ana managed to stay upright, sitting stiffly as Rigel jumped up on the bed and worked on shoving himself into her arms.

He felt a small smile break across his face as she hugged him briefly for a moment. "I don't want to go back to sleep, Will."

"Neither do I." He ruffled Rigel's ears. "The library?"

"And something to drink." Ana takes his arm, "Something stronger than brandy."

"Or whiskey," Will helped her get started up the stairs. "I think I saw some vodka in one of the sitting rooms, I'll go get it." Ana sat in a chair, pressing her fingers to her temples and still sniffling a little as he stepped out. He made sure Rigel stayed with her, knowing that he would at least provide some form of comfort. It was while he was looking into the various sitting, smoking and drawing rooms for the liquor that he heard another set of footsteps. He paused in the darkness, looking out. "James?"

"William?" The footsteps came towards him, and he could make out the younger man's features in the gloom now. "You're awake too?"

"As is Ana, we were going to have a few drinks in the library. Care to join us?" Will knew that all three of them would not be getting anymore sleep that night, and was not surprised when the James nodded. Between the two of them they managed to collect that fabled bottle of vodka, whiskey, brandy and half a decanter of sherry. Plenty enough to get well and truly drunk. He called out softly when he came back to the library. "Found this one up too, he couldn't sleep either."

Ana looked up from where she had been petting Rigel. "Nightmares?"

"Quite bad ones." James sat down, and Will passed around glasses that he had brought. He filled them full, there was no reason to try and appear measured at the moment James could hardly lift his eyes from his glass. "I don't want to sleep anymore tonight."

"Me either." Ana sipped at hers, hissing at the burn. "I just want to stay awake." She took another swallow, not hissing at the burn on her second go at it. "Or at least forget what I dreamed about so I don't think about it."

"I'll drink to that." Will took a healthy swallow. What passed was not three tortured souls sharing their terrible tales, but rather three exhausted friends who were simply glad for each other's company on a rough night. Will hardly let himself go a minute without touching Ana in some way, and eventually the three of them settled onto the floor. Cushions were grabbed from settees, not only from this room but from several others. With blankets, they had quite the comfortable nest to see the night through. None of them commented that the night passed entirely while they were drinking, and that it was only when dawn was breaking that they fell asleep.

Morning, and a worried Oscar, found them curled up on the floor. Will had his arms around Ana, who was pressed tightly to his chest, and James had his back pressed against Will's. Rigel had settled around Ana's other side, although seeing Oscar come in his tail began to wag. Oscar let out a sigh of relief seeing the three of them, Anastasia's housekeeper had come to him when she hadn't found her or Will in their beds. And then Liz had been worried that James wasn't down at breakfast either.

It appeared all three had decided to get completely plastered, judging by the multiple empty bottles on one of the tables. Oscar couldn't begrudge them that, not with the sinking having been last night. Hell, he'd had more than a few drinks himself. So instead of kicking James awake, he leaned down and shook his shoulder. "You need to get up." The younger man groaned and rolled away, throwing his arm around William's waist. The Scotsman grumbled, but hardly seemed to care. Oscar shook his head, "You all need to get up."

The first one to open their eyes as Anastasia, although she quickly shut them again. "Oscar, leave."

"No, you're all expected down at breakfast."

She paled. "Just the thought of food is making me sick, get out."

"Anastasia," Oscar chuckled, walking to the windows. "I know a hangover when I see one." He threw back the curtains, bringing in a flood of light that immediately had the other two awake and shifting away from where it was falling on them. "Now, food will help with that."

"Vanderbilt, I swear." Will sat up, his eyes squeezed tightly shut as he put his hand over them. "Close the damn drapes!" The lack of movement seemed to bother him, and he rolled over to stage whisper to Ana. "Set the dog on him so he closes the drapes, I feel like I'm going to be sick if they stay open."

Oscar was about to reply, but seeing his sister race into the room made him hold his tongue. She was immediately on the floor by James, feeling his cheek and looking him in the eye. "James, what happened?"

Oscar could see the man searching for words when Will cut in. "We all wound up having nightmares last night, if you must know." Oscar would have snapped at him about the sharp tone he was taking with his sister, but held his tongue. "So we decided to not go back to sleep, at least for awhile."

James spoke quietly, his eyes barely open. "I was so cold, I thought I was back in the water and then I couldn't feel my feet when I woke up."

"Oh, James." Liz whispered, throwing her arms around him and peppering him with kisses. Oscar pretended not to notice the way Anastasia buried herself against Will, and the way he hugged her to him. He wound up gently prodding all of them up and downstairs, and when Anastasia and Will both declared they wanted a nap and took off hand in hand, he could only thank his lucky stars that it wasn't Liz dragging James off.