When Peggy brought up the message that Will had docked, I had simply nodded and asked her to bring dinner up to our rooms. Rigel, already brushed and fed, waited there as well. Having been granted access to the liquor upon our return from the cabin, I had finally indulged myself and brought up a bottle of Will's favorite whiskey and a container of ice for him. I pointedly did not look at the yellow telegram lying in wait for him, and adjusted the sleeves of my black dress.

When the door opened, his face immediately fell. "Ana, what is it?"

"Will," I picked up the flimsy telegram, "I'm so sorry."

His bag hit the floor, his face ashen. "What?"

"It came a three days ago, from Peg." I held it out to him, already knowing what it said. Willie, Ma has died. Peacefully, but it's a blow to all of us. The funeral will be in two weeks, please try to come. Love, Peg. I watched as he took it, his fingers shaking. "I've arranged tickets for us, we will make the funeral Will, I promise you that." Rigel gave a whine, his ears low. "Will?"

His voice was thick, and he crumpled the paper in his hand. "I need a moment, Ana. Please."

"Of course," I moved to the door, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I'll just head up to the office, but I'll be back." He nodded, and I could see tears in his eyes. He deserved privacy, that first blow hit like a train and I knew it all too well. In fact, it was rising in me again when I reached for the doorknob to the office. I couldn't go in there, in mourning, and look at the portrait of Father and Mother and myself, back when we were all together and happy. Knowing that we could never be together and happy again, that Father would never get to see how happy I was being Mrs. Murdoch.

So I turned to the library, noted the time on the clock, and decided that I would wait an hour to return to Will. An hour to peruse the models Will had made, to pick out a few books to take to Scotland and an hour to try and figure out what to say. There really wasn't anything to say though, no words would make it better. The only way you could get through it was to just learn to live with it, the hurt would always be there but it wouldn't always hurt as bad. When I heard the clock chime the hour, I slipped back into our sitting room.

Will was sprawled on the settee, Rigel draped across him and the whiskey half drunk, but not a glass to be seen. His eyes were shut, but he clearly heard me come in for he twitched a bit. I fetched a pair of glasses, filled them with ice, and poured whiskey for both of us. His eyes flicked open, "I talked to her before I left Ana, she sounded alright." There was nothing to say to that, so I silently slid the glass to him. He slurped at it greedily, "She was fine."

"Will," I went to my knees beside the settee, bringing a hand up to brush his cheek. "Sometimes these things just happen."

"But," He shook his head, and Rigel gave a whine. "I thought she had more time."

Closer I could see his eyes were red and puffy, and the handkerchief I had given to him so long ago was wet and crumpled in his lap. "I wish I could tell you that it won't hurt after some time, but I can't." He furrowed his brow at that, and I could see him almost say something before dropping his head back down. I gently lifted his chin, "I do have some experience in losing a parent."

Will's hand, heavy and clumsy, stroked my hair. "I know, but sometimes I forget. You seem to just keep moving, like you don't even remember the pain."

"I do, and I still feel it sometimes." I brought his hand to mine and kissed his palm, "It's like a cut that's scabbed over, it doesn't hurt as bad but sometimes you see the simplest thing and then it hurts as much as it did to start."

"It just hurts so much right now." He whispered, cuddling me close.

I curled my arms around him, "We'll be going to Scotland in two days, us and Rigel." I braced myself for the next bit. "I've arranged tickets for us on the Olympic, and our trunks are already on their way."

"The Olympic?"

"I'm sorry about that Will, but she's the only ship leaving soon enough for us to get there in time."

He actually smiled, if only briefly. "Actually, it will be good to see her again. And Haddock, he's still in command." His hand brushed over my shoulder, "You'll like him." He buried his head in my shoulder, and I felt his shoulders shake for a moment. I soothed him as best I could, and eventually I was able to get him into bed. It didn't matter much that he was dressed still, I didn't even bother getting out of my dress.

The servants were deferential the next morning, even Reggie was quiet when he brought out mourning bands for Will's approval before he packed them. Will stayed close to me throughout the day, not that I tried to leave him. I had mourning cards brought to our rooms, writing out that we would be out of town due to a death in the family for awhile and sending footmen out to deliver them. It allowed me to keep an eye on Will, he was very much given over to cuddling Rigel. Rigel was being helpful, covering Will in kisses and doing his best to cheer him up. He hadn't cried since last night, but he didn't look happy.

He simply looked empty.

In the carriage the next morning, with Rigel settled between us, he seemed tired. I knew he had slept, he had hardly let go of me in the night, but it had been a long time since I had seen this gray look of exhaustion on his face. It seemed that so often when I looked at Will, he was far away. Eventually, I brushed my fingers over his cheek. "Will, are you alright?" It seemed foolish to say, but it was all that I could.

"I'm just," He blinked, his eyes focusing on me. "Remembering things. Things I should have done better for her when she was still alive."

"Well, if you're remembering things, remember the happy times too." I glanced out of the carriage, feeling a panic rising in my throat when I saw those four funnels rising in the distance. "I'll try to do the same."

Will's hand slipped around mine, following my gaze out the window. "You know, we did have some happy days on a ship much like her."

"I know."

"Then perhaps we should both remember those days, a happy time for both of us and not think about what happened." He held me close as we joined the small crowd of people heading for the boarding area. The crowd was much smaller than the crowd that would have been waiting in London for a westbound crossing. In fact, it was almost miniscule. I suppose January weather on the Atlantic didn't exactly bring out the demimonde. Will paused at the end of the gangway, looking to me. "Shall you require any help, Miss Dalian?"

"From you? Always, Mr. Murdoch." I gave his hand a squeeze, and tried to remember the first time I'd seen him. He'd looked rather flustered dealing with passengers, but I couldn't help but remember the light in his eyes when he had caught me.

Will felt as if he were unstuck in time. Somehow he was holding his wife's hand, and helping her up from when she had stumbled, at the same time. He remembered the little flutter his heart had given when he had seen her peering all around her and her foot had tripped over the gap. When he had gently grasped her arm to help her until she got her feet under her, he'd had to swallow and wonder when the last time he'd seen such a beauty. The first class passengers always had fine looking women among them, but he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen eyes so wide and clear, the curl of her blonde hair under her hat and the flush of embarrassment coloring her fair cheeks.

And then she'd spoke to him.

He'd expected her to simply nod and be on her way like any other first class lady would do, but she had spoken to him. She had joked with him and all but called him her hero, and he'd done far more than he should have by squeezing her fingers, much like he was doing now. He pushed the memory aside, but he could still feel the flutter in his heart when he looked to Ana as she gave their names to a steward.

That drew the attention of an officer standing nearby, the third officer Will noticed as the man came over. He sketched a bow to both of them, "Mr. Murdoch, Mrs. Murdoch, I must admit that I wasn't expecting the William Murdoch on the register to actually be you, but I am quite happy to have been proven wrong!"

Will considered his face, "Kissinger, is that you?"

"I'm pleased to see you remember me sir," Kissinger lifted his hat. "It's been some time since we served together."

"You were fifth the last time."

"I've moved up, sir." He cracked a smile, "And I have an invitation to extend to you two."

Ana gave Will's hand a squeeze. "And what might that be?"

"To join the officers on the bridge for the launch!" Kissinger had already started forward, clearly expecting them to follow. Ana glanced aside at him, and at his nod, began to follow the uniformed officer. It felt good to tread the board of the Olympic again, and as they gained the boat deck he looked out over the gangways. Ana gripped his hand tighter, and he glanced to her. She was rather pale, but put on a smile when she caught him looking.

Of course she'd be distressed, she'd never been on Olympic before and to her it must have seemed like being back on Titanic. It was no wonder she had tried to speak bravely about only focusing on positive memories, he knew too well what she was worried about. So he leaned over and whispered to her, "I don't think we're in danger of a collision in the harbor."

She licked her lips, once then twice. "No, I don't think we are."

"Do you know how beautiful you looked then?"

"I looked a fright and you know it." She grinned slightly, and Will had to chuckle. Her hair had come out of its pins back then and been whipping around her face when she had caught his shoulder, her hat long forgotten and he had only a moment to appreciate her eyes before he'd had to sprint to the docking bridge and relay her warning to the bridge itself. When he had managed to climb down after the other ship had been towed away, he'd expected her to be gone. Her hat had blown back across the ship, and he had diverted himself for a moment to grab it.

He'd just been hoping to send a steward back with it, along with the Captain's invitation to lunch, but then she had still been on the railing when he came back. His mouth had been numb for a moment, seeing the way her traveling suit clung to her and the color had come back to her face. He'd felt foolish getting her attention, she'd only looked to him to save the ship after all, but had not expected her to want him to join her for the lunch Smith had offered. Young ladies in first class didn't mix with his sort, but he wasn't going to pass up a chance to admire her, it might be the last chance he got. Especially when Zachary ahd come up and put his hands all over her, it had taken everything for him not to order him to remove himself.

"Ah, here we are." Kissinger's voice shook him out of his memories, the gate to the officer's promenade open to allow them through. He glanced over, "I've got to duck in the chart room, but I think you can see yourselves to the bridge."

Will nodded, and kept his hand around Ana's as they gained the bridge. It was almost comforting to see this old place again, the wide wheelhouse and the organized bustle of the crew. It was just as they'd tucked themselves into a corner that the fifth officer, coming in from the wing, spotted them. "Sir, I'm sorry but passengers are not allowed up here. I'll have to ask you and your wife to leave."

A gruff voice laughed as the man behind the fifth officer came in, the gold leaves of a captain on his hat brim. "At ease, Mr. Ryland. Mr. Murdoch here is far more familiar with this bridge than you are."

Will couldn't help but smile as Herbert came over, "Captain Haddock, sir, if we're upsetting your officers-"

"Then they can simply accustom themselves to your presence." The older man extended a hand and shook his firmly, before bowing to Ana. He then turned to the officers and the quartermaster at the wheel, "Mr. Murdoch and his wife are allowed access to the bridge and officer's areas with my express permission for the voyage. They know enough to not get in your way, and some of you may be able to learn from him. Mr. Murdoch is a fine sailor and I've no doubt he has plenty of advice he can offer."

"Thank you, sir." Ana smiled, holding Rigel closer to her. "Although I think this one might get in the way. Will, would you mind if I took him to the kennels and met you back up here?"

He shook his head, "He'll be fine, and he needs to learn anyway." Ana ducked her head, and Will cursed himself. She was obviously uncomfortable for some reason, but the thought of her leaving was something he couldn't fathom at the moment.

Fortunately Haddock seemed to catch on, "Ah, he's alright. I've had my own dog up here before, they're quite used to them." Will saw Ana ease up a bit, although she started when Haddock took notice of the mourning band on his arm. "William, what happened?"

"My mother, sir." He did his best to not let his voice catch, to be upright and not let the sadness catch at him again. "We're returning to Scotland for the funeral."

"Ah, I am sorry William. It's not an easy time for you, I'm sure." Haddock shook his head, gesturing for his chief to see to the business of getting the lines away and ensuring the tugs were pulling them away from the dock.

"I'm doing alright, sir."

Haddock smiled. "You always did try and hold up even under the worst conditions. God, I was furious when I heard White Star had sacked you. I'd been expecting to hand this lady off to your care, and they just threw you aside."

"They had their reasons, sir."

"Foolish reasons, and enough of the sirs. I think we're on equal footing now." He looked over to Ana, "And I haven't even congratulated you on your beautiful wife."

Ana smiled slightly at that, "Thank you, Captain Haddock. I consider myself the lucky one, having found Will."

"You've no idea how right you are." Haddock grinned, "And I will want the entire story when you two accompany me for dinner one night." With a last nod he turned to his crew, ensuring that they were moved into the channel in a timely manner and the pilot had them well on their way. Will gently took Ana's arm as the ship started moving on her own, and they moved back to the passenger areas. There were still plenty of stewards around the gangway area and one quickly bowed and began walking them through the hallways of the ship.

Will shook his head when their steward bowed again as he opened the door, revealing a well appointed sitting room in red velvet and dark wood. Of course Ana had booked them the most comfortable rooms onboard, with the bedroom beyond featuring its own bathroom. She looked rather out of sorts though the the steward took Rigel to walk him to the kennels, kneeling down and hugging the dog tightly before he left. Will came up behind her as the door closed, and she glanced to him. "He'll be alright in the kennels, won't he?"

"I'm sure he'll be fine." Will put an arm around her, holding her close. He breathed her in, the bit of rosewater she wore in her hair comforting. "Ana, I wish you wouldn't be so distressed onboard. Captain Haddock and his officers are extremely competent, and you saw how many lifeboats were added on."

She wrapped her fingers around his arm, "I'm sorry Will, I know you're grieving and I should be able to look past it."

"But she's so familiar." Will knew what she meant, and he pressed a kiss to her hair. "I can show you some of the differences, if you like. I served on here before, and I have no doubt I could find a few of them."

"That would be nice." She muttered, although she was still far too quiet. "But I don't want to make you do anything, you're in mourning after all."

He pursed his lips, "Ana, it's not the same for men."

"I know, but I don't-"

"I can handle my feelings." He sighed, briefly wishing for a moment that he could tell her how much he still hurt, how he was dreading the funeral and seeing how this had affected all of his family. What was worse was the guilt gnawing at him, the thought that he hadn't been there. But if he told Ana that, with how she was already upset, she'd barely come out of the cabin the entire crossing. "What I can't handle is you walking on eggshells around me, you know I'm made of sterner stuff."

She gave a slight whine at that, and clutched him tighter. Will sighed, he'd been curious about why she had brought Rigel but now it was obvious. A source of comfort, of security, but it wasn't as if Rigel could be kept in the cabin and he was hardly the elegant dogs that usually came aboard with the first class guests. Rigel was a veritable bear and would no doubt stretch the kennel steward to his limit. He buried his nose in her hair again, speaking quietly. "Ana, talk to me, please."

"Will," She whispered, twining her fingers around his hand. "Should we go have a look around, and maybe you could tell me some stories of your time on here?"

"Now that I can do." He pulled her tight for a moment, and she leaned back against him. Will couldn't tell how long they stood like that, but eventually they stirred themselves and managed to make it out of the cabin. The other passengers had mostly dispersed, although a few cast curious glances at them. Ana hadn't worn mourning, but her coat was dark and conservative as opposed to the bright furs the other women were favoring. Will was glad for it, he didn't like seeing her in black and he almost wanted to burn the veil to keep her from wearing it again.

Ana shivered slightly when they gained the boat deck, "I forgot how much of a breeze there is up here."

"Oh yes," Will chuckled, "But I'll keep you warm." He set them off towards the stern, pointing out little features that Ana might not have noted. Doors in slightly different places, a railing that had been moved, and he even pointed to the door to the kennels. "They moved them up from F deck, so Rigel will get plenty of fresh air during his time onboard."

"They won't mind if I come around each day to walk him, will they?" Ana glanced back toward the kennel door. "I just, I mean he must be so much bigger compared to the dogs they're used to."

Will gave a small laugh, "He'll be fine, and I have no doubt he'll be glad to see you." They'd stopped at the end of the first class promenade, and Will looked out towards the stern. "Do you see the docking bridge down there?"

"Yes, it's rather hard to miss."

"Well, that was my usual post and I was up there one day when we were heading out and a battleship rammed us." Will shook his head at the memory, "Tore a hole right through the hull, down past the waterline and laid us up for weeks while it was repaired." He glanced to Ana, seeing her face pale. "No one was hurt, but it lead to an awful row between the Navy and the Line."

Ana cocked her head, "I don't suppose you could show me where the damage was done?"

"If I grab one of the officers to accompany us below, probably. It doesn't look any different though, the repairs were very thorough." He took her hand, wishing they could both dispense with the fur lined gloves they were wearing but the cold stopped him from holding her bare hand. "Although perhaps we could head inside, it's rather cold right now." Ana nodded, and he wished he could have uttered something about wanting to get her out of her clothes, but the words wouldn't come to his lips.

So he kept quiet as they went back inside, finding the sitting room warm and with a pot of tea waiting for them. Ana, after unbuttoning her coat, poured for him. "It appears our steward is rather indulgent."

"No doubt he saw us head off with one of the officers," Will sipped his cup, glad for the warmth. "Or word came back about Captain Haddock knowing me."

Ana stirred a bit of sugar into her cup, "He seems like a nice man."

"He is, and I'm looking forward to dinner with him." He curled his hands around the cup, "Much more than the funeral."

"It, it will pass quickly."

"I know, but I'm worried about what," He sighed, shaking his head. "Never mind."

Ana's cup clinked against her saucer as she came over, her hands on his shoulders. "Will?"

"Ana, it's alright."

"Just tell me."

Will set his cup down, taking his wife's hands and pulling her down to his lap. "I just don't want to have to deal with Sam and Agnes again, they're going to be so angry." His voice caught on the last words, and he pressed his head to Ana's shoulder. "I was gone, I was gone Ana, and she passed without me being by her."

Her arms went around him, squeezing him tightly. "But you told her how much you loved her, she knew that Will." He drew in a few breaths of her rosewater perfume, calming himself. "And if those two start in on you, I'll step in."