Not a warning but just a sidenote I purpously made some of the spelling incorractly. Aight thanks:)
For myself and this buk only, or if my anoying brothers sneek into my rum, first of all GET OUT! Second THIS IS NOT A DIERY!
i just want to tok to some one, but i dont know who to tok to bekaus my brothers will be sad if i said this to them and master splinter will be mad if i talk about it with him.
Prety much my brothers are being reely anoying! mikey keep disterbing me and everyone says im being meen. and now everyone is angry at me because i tell mikey to leev me alon.
i was playing with spike and then mikey just grabs him with out asking me first and spins around with spike. i was scare that mikey is going to drop him so i shout at him. every one get mad at me tho! when i do some thing wrong every one gets mad at me, but when mikey does something wrong every one is nice to him. Why are they not nice to me?
Leo scrunched his brows in confusion. Mean? Since when?! He was never mean! And Donnie and Mikey were definitely not mean! Raph's just being dramatic!
Sure, they fought and bickered a lot, but Leo was never in the wrong. Sensei told him so! Sensei always agreed with Leo, so that had to mean he was right. What is Raph even talking about?
Raph must be overreacting again. He's always been the most sensitive of the three, quick to hurl insults yet crumbling at the slightest criticism, like paper igniting in flames. He's easily offended if anyone outperforms him in practice and constantly clashes with Master Splinter's teachings.
Leo sighed, as his eyes continues to peruse to the next paragraph.
i know i can be meen sometimes, but im not a bad guy. im a good guy. i know i can be meen but i can also be good too. does my brothers hate me? i think they hate me.
you know what! i hate them too! i hate them! I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM SO MUCH! they never under stand me! and master splinter loves them more than me.
i just want them to under stand me! I want them to under stand i am not a bad guy! i can be nice too!
why do every one think im meen? Im not always meen! Im nice too! I know i am! They just dont get it!
Leo stared at the words, his chest tightening with sorrow as he cringed at the painful thoughts being revealed—thoughts that belonged to his little brother. Raph must have been around seven when he wrote this—his spelling was a terrible and his handwriting barely legible. But that's what twisted the knife in Leo's gut the most.
It was a bitter pill to swallow, especially since just moments ago, he was just ranting about Raphael being a drama queen. He could help but feel guilty about it.
At the time, Leo had meant every word he'd said—every comment he'd made about Raph—but maybe his own pride had clouded his own judgment.
Of course, he could never hate Raph—his little brother, no matter the odds or Raph's resentment. He loves him more than anything, from the moon and back, with a depth he can't even put into words. But maybe he's never really shown it. Maybe he's failed to give Raph the love and care he's poured into the others. And maybe that's why Raph built those walls, brick by brick, to shield himself from the pain. But isn't it painful to guard yourself from the very people who are supposed to love and heal you? Not just for him, but for everyone else? For his brothers?
With a heavy heart and deep regret, he turned to the next page. The passage that followed was brief—just three paragraphs—but it carried the weight of raw turmoil, as if Raph was on the verge of tearing the whole book apart.
I HATE HIM! I HATE LEO SO MUCH! why does splinter love leo more? i try reely hard in clas! i fight good! but splinter always smile at leo and never at me! its not fair!
why does splinter hate me so much? I try realy hard but he always love leo more than me. I think he hate me more than my brothers.
leo is so cool so smart and kind. he is a good brother and a good son. I want to be like leo but i cant. im not like leo and i hate it. I hate it! i hate it! i hate it! i hate it! i hate him so much! i hate leo so much! why cant i be like leo! I HATE YOU LEO! I HATE YOU! why cant I BE LIKE YOU!
The words were scrawled in a frenzied mess, as though he'd poured out his frustration in the midst of a full-blown breakdown. Jagged scribbles covered the page, each stroke serving as an outlet for his anger, as if the book itself had borne the brunt of his rage.
His chest twisted with conflicting emotions. His heart pounded harder against his ribs, beating in a hasty rhythm. He knew there had always been some sort of rivalry between them, but he never realized how much it had weighed on his poor little brother's shoulders.
If only I had did something…
Instead, Leo had pushed him away.
He swallowed down the tears, not wanting to ruin his lost brother's belongings, as he goes through the next pages.
As he continued flipping through the sketchbook of drawings and doodles, something unusual caught his eye—a single page had been torn out, leaving an empty space between the remaining pages. The tear was jagged and rough, its uneven edges revealing a raw and turbulent outburst, as if a surge of anger and betrayal had torn through the page. He wondered what story lay behind its removal. As he turned to the next page, it seemed as if it might reveal the answer.
master splinter hates me. he never wants to play with me and he never looks at me when i call him. but when my brothers do it he looks at them and plays with them.
today i draw something for him. i wanted to show it to him but he didn't want to look at me. he was too busy playing with mikey. but then i try again later but he was busy helping donnie. then i try again but he was busy teaching leo. so i got angry.
master splinter didn't get it! of course im angry! all i wanted is to show my drawing and he didn't even try to look at me! so i shout. i shout at all of them. it's not fair that he was with them more than me! but splinter was mad because i was jelous!
so what if im jelous! im jelous because he plays with them more than me! im jelous because he says nice things to them more than me! im jelous because he loves them more than me! yeah i am jelous and I DONT CARE!
but no one gets it. splinter get mad at me and tells me to control my anger blah blah blah. it dont help. I was just more angry.
the drawing is gone now, i throw it away. if splinter dont want to see it than i dont want to see it too. its not worth it anyway.
i think he hates me because im not nice like them. i get it im mean and scary! but im trying to be nice like them! i am! i don't want to be mean and scary. i just want him to look at me like how he looks at my brothers.
Leo didn't realize how tightly he was gripping the book until he noticed the wrinkles forming along the edges of the page. It hurt—it hurt so much to read this.
the blue-clad turtle remembered that day; he remembered how confused he had been. How nonchalant he'd acted toward the situation. How his first thought had been, 'Here goes Raph again…' and then he had gone about his day as if nothing was wrong.
"STOP LOOKING AT THEM! LOOK AT ME, DAD!" Raph had cried, his voice thick with jealousy and sorrow, but he had refused to let the tears fall.
"Raphael! You shouldn't be jealous of your brothers!" Splinter had snapped. "Your anger is too much! You must calm down!"
"But why can't you look at me?!" Raph had argued, his frustration boiling over.
"RAPHAEL!" Splinter had roared, his brows furrowing deeply. "That is not how you treat your brothers! Everyone gets their own time, equally and fairly! Now go to your room!"
And that had been the end of the discussion.
A fizzling red wave bubbles in his chest. How could Splinter say that without much thought? How could he leave his own son feeling so abandoned? How dare he push Raphael away—his own son, and Leo's brother!
He should've thought more about his words! He should've paid more attention to his son! He should've shown love to him! He shouldn't have shut Raph away in his room! How dare he!
But… was Leo any different?
Wasn't Leo a direct reflection of their father?
"RAPH! Stop playing your drums and clean your room! Before Master Splinter sees it," he had ordered, his leader-like authority slipping through.
"Jeez… Fine… whatever you say, Splinter Jr.," Raph had barked back.
"I am not Splinter Jr., Raph. I'm just warning you."
"Pft— Sure you are."
Heh… Even Raph thought Leo was just like Master Splinter, so how could Leo place all the blame on their father when he acted the same way?
Leo didn't want to dwell on it any longer. Pushing the heavy burden down into the pit of his stomach, he turned the page.
It was similar to the other times, doodles and sketches of various of things, with some pages had brief paragraphs, mostly annoyed complaints about how his brothers or Master Splinter had irritated him. But then, buried deep within, something unusual caught his eye. A single sentence—just six words—stood out: i think I get it now.
It wasn't just the words that felt strange. The page was filled from top to bottom with hurried writing, and dark crimson smudges were scattered across it, as though Raphael's own hands had left a mark.
A flicker of curiosity sparked. Get what? Leo wondered as his eyes moved to the next sentence.
i get it now, I now under stand why Master Splinter hates him. why Mikey is always scared of me, Why Donnie is doesn't like being around me, and why Leo is always angry at me. its because I am me. i am the problem.
today i did something bad. I hit leo to hard and Master Splinter was really mad at me. He says that he is disappointed at me. He says that im like oroku saki.
i was really sad, but its not like the normal sad. I was very sad but more. i dont know how it happens but somehow i hurt myself with my sai. i think i bring it to the room and master splinter didnt see or didnt care. thats why theres a lot of blood on this page. It hurts a lot but at the same time i like it? Its weird.
It suddenly feels like all the stuff I've done is being punished. the bad thoughts don't seem so bad now. Everything doesn't feel as bad anymore. It makes my head feel a little better. i think it's because I deserve to be punished.
Of course I deserve it! master splinter said im like the shredder! He says im like the person who ruin his life! Do you know how much that hurts to hear? And how much it hurts to under stand that it is true?
I don't want to ruin my family life! I dont want them to be sad all the time! I want them to be happy! But im like him!
I hate it! I hate how Im like him! BUT I AM! Im angry like him and im mean and im scary like him. I hurt people all the time, even when i dont want to.
I HATE HIM! I hate everything about him! and I hate myself so much for being like him! WHY AM I LIKE HIM?
i am angry all the time and i hurt everyone all the time. I make everyone sad and i don't like that i make everyone sad. but i always make everyone sad. why am a bad person?
I don't want to be a bad person but i am. I don't get it. Why am I so mean?
I hit Mikey everyday, i shout a Donnie all the time and i always argue with Leo, and then after that Master Splinter gets angry. Why can't just be nice like them? Why am i not like them?
Ill never say it to their face but im really sorry for everything. Im so sorry for hurting everyone! I never want to be this way. I really dont! Im just me. And I wish I can change that.
His handwriting was a chaotic mess, but the emotions behind his words were as crushing as a boulder. He could almost hear Raph's voice yelling out his words—rough, loud, and stormy, like a thunderclap that had been gathering strength through endless summer days. A voice full of pain, sorrow, and a deep yearning for someone to understand and comfort him.
He didn't realize his eyes were watering until a lonely tear streamed down his cheek.
How could this happen? His dear brother was drowning in self-hatred, and Leo had stood by, doing nothing.
How could I let this happen?…
He has lost numerous opportunities to hug his brother, to offer a listening ear, and to let Raph rest his head on his shoulder, weeping freely in his embrace. But instead, Leo left him alone to face his struggles in the dark. What kind of older brother does that?
He couldn't read any longer. What he had thought would help his loneliness only made him feel worse. He closed the book as tears began to overflow. "Raph…" he choked out a whimper. The mere mention of his name was enough to break the dam, and the tears poured relentlessly, flooding his face.
The world blurred into the salty waters as his chest heaves for air. "I-..I'm… so sorry…" he hiccups in between sobs. His shoulder trembles under the weight of his guilt, his chest heaving unevenly, while his fingers clung tightly to the sketchbook. Though it was Raph's, Leo couldn't bring himself to release it.
Slowly, he raised his gaze to the ceiling, silently praying with a faint hope that, against all odds, Raph would return to them. To him.
"I… I swear, Raph…" he mumbled, "I'll make it right… I promise... So you better come back to us, okay?"