A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! They are such a bright spot in my day. Onto the chapter, and the return of Lily! Also a few canon gems in this that make me smile. Enjoy!
Chapter 17 - 2.7 or "A Way To Help"
The Christmas holidays had not been kind to Remus. In fact, they had been barely short of tortuous.
He was never comfortable with lying – especially to his parents – so in an effort to not accidentally disclose his friends' discovery of his condition, he had spent most of the break hidden in his room, or else wandering the icy woods behind his house, avoiding his parents as much as possible. If his father discovered that three other second years were aware of Remus's secret, there was no telling what he would do. What if he made Remus leave Hogwarts? It had been hard enough the previous summer, convincing his father to let him visit James's house for a week. If Lyall Lupin knew the power that James, Sirius, and Peter held – the power to ruin Remus's life with a slip of the tongue – his worry and stress would swallow him whole. And so Remus retreated into solitude.
His parents were rightfully confused by his behavior; he had always been quiet, but never overly sullen. Not knowing how to deal with this new version of their generally genial son, the Lupins had allowed him to keep his distance, which meant that Remus had barely spoken to anyone at all for the two weeks he was home.
On top of that, the full moon had most unfortunately fallen on the night before term started, so Remus had to miss the first two days of lessons, enduring his transformation while locked in his parents' dank basement. Since coming to Hogwarts, he had adjusted to the monthly treks to the house on the edge of Hogsmeade, a routine that did not make his transformations any less painful, but that had at least mitigated the terror that he might escape his parents' basement and attack them. When locked away in his parents' house again, his transformations were now unbearable, more gruesome and draining than ever before. It had taken him almost an entire day longer than usual to recover.
But the worst part about his holiday – worse than lying to his parents or the brutality of his transformation – was that Remus had nothing to distract him from the obsessive thought that his friends were moving on without him.
They had been distant ever since the night they were trapped in that house with him, ever since witnessing his transformation, ever since he had tried to kill them all. There was no outright coldness – to an innocent bystander, nothing would be amiss about their interactions. But Remus, so concerned for so long about whether or not he deserved their friendship, had noticed it immediately. He would enter the room and they would stop talking; they would disappear for hours without telling him where they were going; they would eat quickly at mealtimes and then rush out of the Great Hall before Remus had finished half of his dinner, uttering hasty excuses about homework or Quidditch practice. Even the gifts and notes that he had received from each of them on Christmas had done nothing to quiet his dread.
And so, on the night he returned to Hogwarts, using the Floo Network that was connected to Professor McGonagall's office, he had all but convinced himself that James, Sirius, and Peter were never going to talk to him again.
It was just after dinner and the castle was fairly quiet as Remus plodded the familiar path up to Gryffindor Tower. Entering the common room, hiss eyes immediately snapped to the table in the corner that he and his friends usually occupied in the evenings. It was empty.
Stomach sinking, he sighed and made his way up the staircase to drop off his things. He wanted desperately to crawl into his four-poster and hide from the world, but having missed two days of lessons, he was already behind for the term and knew he needed to get to work. He had only just stepped off the boys' staircase and back into the common room when someone called out his name.
"Hi Remus!"
It was Raeanne Muller, sitting at a parchment and book-covered table between Gin and Mary. Remus's initial response was the temptation to look behind him to see if she was talking to someone else, but he caught himself in time. There were not any other Remuses at Hogwarts, that he knew of. He had never had much of a conversation with any of these girls, though, and especially not without his friends present to mask his discomfort. Feeling rather awkward, he made his way over to their table.
"Hello," he said. "Er…nice Christmas?"
"Very!" said Raeanne.
"Are you okay, Remus?" asked Mary, surveying him with a concerned expression.
"Are you ill?" Raeanne added. "Everyone was wondering why you hadn't come back after the holidays."
"Oh…no, I'm not ill," he mumbled. "Erm, my mum is though. She's been ill for a while and…well, it was quite bad the last few days so they thought it'd be best if I stayed home with her."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Raeanne. "Is she doing better now?"
Desperately wanting to change the conversation, Remus nodded quickly. "Yes. She's doing much better, thank you." He paused, but the girls were still watching him as if expecting him to say more. He longed for James or Sirius and their shared ability to talk to anybody – adolescent or adult, male or female – with natural nonchalance. "So, er, what did I miss in lessons?"
All three girls grimaced; apparently, none of the professors had been particularly kind in the two days he had been absent, at least not where the homework load was concerned.
"Let's see," said Mary, flipping through some of the parchment spread across the table. "An essay on International Warlock Conventions of the 1800's for Binns; practice on Engorgement Charms for Flitwick; research on the side-effects of Calming Draughts for Slughorn…"
"Calming Draughts?" Remus repeated. "I'd better be off to the library, then." He pulled his bag up higher on his shoulder and added awkwardly as an afterthought, "It closes before long."
Gin, who had yet to say anything during the exchange, stood up suddenly, rolled up her parchment, and began packing some books into her bag.
"I'll walk with you," she said. "I need to look into some books on Behavioral Draughts anyway for Slughorn."
Mary and Raeanne waved goodbye to the pair as they climbed out of the portrait hole. Remus walked silently for several minutes, feeling increasingly uncomfortable; he tried to recall if he had ever even had a conversation with Gin before. Certainly not without his friends by his side.
"How was your holiday?" he asked, when the silence had become too much to bear.
She looked at him as though she had forgotten he was there. "Oh," she said. "It was all right, I guess." She paused momentarily as if this was all she had to say on the matter, and then added, rather abruptly, "It felt too long this year. I reckon I was just ready to come back."
Remus nodded, trying to make conversation. "I know what you mean. It seems much quieter 'round my house now that I'm used to being here with everyone else."
"Yeah," Gin agreed. "Makes me wish I had a sibling or two to liven things up."
"It's just you and your parents, then?" Remus asked as they turned the corner and started down the staircase to the fourth floor.
"Just me and my mum. My dad's not around."
"Oh." Remus felt himself redden at his own sheltered naivety. He glanced at his feet and said, "Sorry."
"No need to be sorry," Gin said, shrugging. There was a pause. "My mum usually has a boyfriend about anyway, so depending on whether he's completely dull or not, sometimes that livens things up."
Remus didn't know what to say to that. He didn't know much about Gin, after all, except for the fact that she had once blackmailed Sirius into showing her the kitchens and that she had once kissed Sirius in the library. He wondered if Gin knew that Sirius had told them all about that, and then felt a sudden wave of discomfort when he realized he had been walking next to her, thinking about the fact that she had kissed one of his best friends.
"Er…" He said, trying to wrench his thoughts back to more chivalrous territory. "Even at Christmas?"
"Oh yes," she said dryly. "This year his name was Greg and he's a salesman for a dragon scale distributor that my mum uses at her shop. Dull as a flobberworm, though. I'm sure he'll be gone by Easter, at least."
"I didn't know your mum has a shop," Remus said, jumping onto a more comfortable subject as they turned down the corridor where the library could be found.
Gin nodded. "An apothecary specializing in rare potions ingredients. It's awfully boring work."
Remus wanted to ask her more about the shop, but they had entered the library and were immediately hushed by Madam Pince when their voices carried into the cavernous room. They both wandered toward the back, where the books on potions were stacked on dusty shelves as tall as mountain trolls. Remus gazed up at the shelves, trying to locate a book that might help him with Calming Draughts as Gin wandered off to another row. His stomach seemed to unclench in relief once she had disappeared behind the shelves. The conversation had been pleasant enough, but he was not used to the energy it took to socialize with anyone other than his three friends.
"…we could transfigure the cover, so that no one knows what it is."
"Or maybe require a password to open it? So not just anyone could get in it…"
"Excellent. Let's do both."
Remus frowned and peered through the shelves. He recognized those voices. Pulling a few books aside, he found himself looking at one of the stranger sights he had seen at Hogwarts: James, Sirius and Peter in the library. Without him.
His heart sank to somewhere around his navel. Here was his proof that he was not mistaken in his sense that something was off. Not only had they not waited for him in the common room like he was hoping, but they were sequestered in the library of all places, clearly working on some sort of new scheme without him. He steeled himself, swallowed hard, and walked around the shelf to where they were sitting.
"Hi guys," he said, hoping his voice didn't sound as pleadingly pathetic to them as it did to him.
All three of them jumped, as though they had been caught red-handed in a particularly nefarious scheme.
"Remus!" said James, and Remus couldn't help but notice that Sirius immediately covered the book he had been looking at with his bag. "You're back!"
"I only just got back about an hour ago." Why were they looking so shifty? "What are you up to?"
"Nothing!" squeaked Peter unconvincingly. Sirius shot him a look of pure annoyance.
"We're just working on our Potions essay," he said, but Remus knew without a doubt that he was lying.
Remus's voice sounded strange in his ears when he replied, "Oh, well…er, would you mind filling me in? I think I'm already properly behind…"
James and Sirius exchanged looks that were not lost on Remus, whose throat felt very tight. Once again, as it had after his friends had followed him during his transformation, a flicker of anger fought to ignite in his gut. After all they had told him, after all they had promised him, why could they not now just be honest with him? This facade of friendship they were attempting to hide behind was becoming increasingly cracked, and their attempts to shelter Remus from its dissolution were belittling, at best.
"Er, sure…I mean…well…"
"Hello," came a voice from just behind Remus, and James stopped speaking at once. It was Gin, surveying them all impassively and holding two very large and moldy Potions books.
"I've found what I need," she told Remus. "I didn't know if you were walking back or staying here?"
"Er, well I –"
"All right, Gin?" interrupted Sirius, shaking his hair out of his eyes. Next to him, James seemed to be fighting a smile.
"All right," she said easily. "But you've some ink on your face, Sirius, on your cheek there…"
James snorted and turned away to hide his laughter as Sirius rubbed angrily at the smudge of ink on his right cheek.
"Anyway, if you're going to stay here, Remus, I'm going to be getting back. See you lot later," she added, before turning on her heel and disappearing through the stacks.
James roared in laughter, which earned him a withering look from Madam Pince. Looking very put out indeed, Sirius pointed his wand at James and shot several red sparks out of the end of it, lighting James's sleeve on fire. James yelped and jumped up, hopping around in an attempt to put out the flames.
"WHAT IS GOING ON OVER HERE?"
Madam Pince had come over, her face taut with anger, and waved her wand to vanish the flames at once.
"Cretin boys! You are quite disturbing the rest of the students. Detention for you both, Potter and Black. And all of you, OUT!"
They hurriedly packed up their things and made their way out of the library, Sirius still rubbing at his cheek while James sniggered, but Remus could not find it within him to even crack a smile.
Across the library, Severus and Lily sat together, their homework spread across a large table, trying and failing to ignore the disturbance created by the Gryffindor boys.
"What are they doing in here, anyway?" hissed Severus, his lip curled as James's laughter echoed across the room.
Lily glanced up from her book and watched as Sirius lit James's sleeve on fire. Her eye-roll turned into a satisfied smirk when Madam Pince began shooing the boys bodily out of the library.
"Who knows?" she said, turning back to her homework. "Now, do you think adding the belladonna would help keep the fatigue at bay?"
Severus wasn't listening, his bitter stare intent on the group as they were ushered out the door.
"Sev? Earth to Sev?"
"They're up to something," he muttered, his eyes still fixed on the now-motionless door.
Lily glanced back at the door briefly and then frowned at him. "Probably," she admitted.
"I'm going to catch them. I'll get them caught in their games before they do anything else to me. I'll get them expelled if I have to."
"Okay," Lily said, raising her eyebrows. "Or maybe you could ignore them. Other than being obnoxious, they weren't really bothering us…"
His eyes snapped to her so quickly that she leaned away from him.
"Why are you defending them?" he snarled.
"I…I'm not," she stammered, stung by his tone. Madam Pince was now giving the two of them a disapproving look, so Lily lowered her voice to a whisper. "I just think that maybe you care a little bit too much about what they're up to. Sometimes you don't talk about anything else."
"How can you say that? Knowing all the things they've done to me? Knowing what they did to me yesterday in History of Magic…my first class of the term…"
"You don't know that was them, Sev…"
"Of course it was them! Who else would put a Chattering Charm on my bleeding quill so that it started shouting about right in the middle of class…everybody was staring…"
Lily sighed. "I know they're horrible to you, but you said yourself that Binns didn't even notice…"
"Is that the point?"
"…And it's not as if you're innocent in all this! You hex them in the corridors, Sev, don't act like you don't…and you were with the group last year that levitated Peter Pettigrew into the lake…"
"Are you serious right now?" he interrupted her, his face turning a red, blotchy color.
"I'm just saying," she said, trying her best to keep the annoyance out of her voice, "maybe if you didn't encourage them by hexing them and following them 'round all the time…"
"Don't," he spat. "Don't you dare tell me this is my fault."
Lily had never been particularly good at biting her tongue, particularly when she was frustrated.
"I didn't say it was your fault, but you barely talk to me about anything else anymore! It's always 'Potter-this, Black-that.' You know that just eggs them on, don't you? They're looking to get a reaction out of you, Severus."
He was looking at her now as though she were a raving lunatic. She took a deep breath to calm herself.
"Look," she continued, taking the bite out of her tone, trying to appease him, "I shouldn't have said anything. Sometimes you just get so focused on them and I just…I miss you…is all…"
These words did the trick. His shoulders deflated a bit as he released some of the tension he had been holding in, and she thought she even detected a trace of a smile pass across his lips.
But then a second later he said, "Well once they're expelled – once I catch them – we won't ever have to talk about them again, Lily. Neither of us will ever even think about Potter or Black or their cronies again."
Lily fought not to groan. She decided to change the subject.
"Are you going to Slughorn's get-together on Saturday? I think it's after lunch. We can walk down together if you want to."
"Hmm?" he said distractedly. "Oh, right, the afternoon tea. Yes, I think I'll go, if you're going."
"Great," said Lily. "It should be fun."
"As long as Potter doesn't show up, though I know he thinks he's too good for Slughorn's parties. I about gagged in class yesterday when Slughorn was going on and on about how brilliant Potter's bleeding dad was at Potions. Like Potter needs another thing to inflate his ego…"
Lily had to restrain herself from banging her head against the table.
Several weeks into the term, James, Sirius, and Peter had made very little progress on their plan to become Animagi, much to their increasing frustration. Between owl-order, their own potions kits, and nicking a few key ingredients from Slughorn's office during his latest get-together (which James and Sirius had long ago decided was the only palatable reason for ever attending such a soiree), the three boys had almost everything they needed for the potion that would be the first step in the transformation process. The only hitch was the last missing ingredient: they were required to pick fresh knotgrass at midnight during a full moon. The timing was not the issue; they were used to wandering around the castle after midnight. The problem was that none of them had the slightest idea of where to find a patch of knotgrass on the Hogwarts grounds.
Huddled at their usual table in the Gryffindor common room one evening after dinner, James, Sirius, and Peter were discussing this very issue.
"We could always ask Slughorn," James suggested. "You know he likes us, Sirius, he might not ask too many questions."
"That seems really risky," whispered Peter. "What if he figures out what we're up to?"
"Fresh-picked knotgrass is used in over 100 potions, though," said Sirius, flipping through his copy of One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi. "It'd be pretty lucky for him to guess which one we were using it for…"
"Peter's right," said James, thinking hard. "It's too big of a risk to ask a teacher."
"Maybe Remus would know?" suggested Peter, buoyed by James's agreement. "Isn't it about time we tell him what we're doing anyway?"
"We probably should soon," Sirius agreed. "He's been a little moody lately, this might cheer him up."
James frowned. "I thought we had decided to wait until we had the transformations down before telling him. You know he's going to try and talk us out of it."
"Yeah, but he could help," Peter said. "Maybe he'd know where to find the knotgrass, or else how to get that other book from the Ministry. He's good with books and research and stuff."
"His most damning quality, to be sure," mused Sirius lightly.
They lapsed into silence, each lost in his own thoughts. Sirius was looking around the crowded room, studying their fellow Gryffindors as they chatted idly or worked on homework. His eyes lingered on a table not too far from theirs, where the second-year girls were giggling about something or other.
"What about Evans?" he said suddenly.
"What about her?" said James, turning around to glance at the table as well.
"She's pretty much obsessed with Potions. I bet she'd know where to find knotgrass."
James thought about this for a moment and then shrugged his agreement.
"Better than asking Slughorn," he said. "What do you think Peter?"
But Sirius did not wait for Peter to respond before he called out, "Oi! EVANS!"
Several nearby Gryffindors jumped at the yell, rolling their eyes when they realized it was only Sirius. Lily turned toward them.
"What do you want, Black?"
"I HAVE A POTIONS QUESTION!" he shouted unnecessarily. People were looking at him again, annoyed. "CAN YOU COME OVER HERE TO HELP?"
"Keep your voice down, will you, Black?" said a prefect called Newlyn Gallit. "We're trying to study here."
"SORRY NEWLYN!" Sirius yelled, even louder than before. Newly just shook his head and went back to his essay.
Lily, looking exasperated but slightly amused, stood up and walked over to their table; behind her, Adin put her quill down and watched excitedly.
"All right," she said smugly, plopping down in the chair that was usually occupied by Remus. "How can my brilliance be of service?"
James grinned. He had always liked Lily's cheek.
"Well we were over here working on our Potions homework," started Sirius, "you know, trying to get ahead a bit, catch up to you, since you're so ace in class, always flying circles 'round us…"
"Get on with it, then, and stop trying to butter me up," Lily interrupted.
In response, Sirius smiled his most charming smile.
"We need to know where we can pick fresh knotgrass on the Hogwarts grounds."
Lily sat back in her chair and surveyed them all, a knowing look in her eyes. "What are you three up to?"
"We told you," said James. "We're just trying to get ahead in class…"
"Bollocks."
James let out a low whistle, but Lily's expression didn't change.
"Ah, come on Evans," Sirius said. "Just tell us where the knotgrass is."
"And why should I?"
"Do it as a favor? Helping out your fellow Gryffindors?" suggested Sirius.
"House spirit and all that?" added James.
"House spirit?" she repeated with a raised eyebrow. She thought about this for a moment. "Hmm. And what will you give me in return?"
"The knowledge that you helped us in furthering our magical education?" offered James, losing hope that she was actually going to provide them any useful information at all.
"I would have thought that someone as brilliant as you, Potter, wouldn't need any help," she said coolly.
"Well you know," he smirked, "even geniuses have to start somewhere…"
She sized them up, thinking hard. "Fine. I'll tell you where to get the knotgrass –"
"Perfect –"
"Thanks a lot, Evans –"
She held up a hand to stop them. "I'll tell you," she continued, "if you give me your word that you won't hex Severus Snape again for the rest of the school year."
"What?"
"No way!"
"You're off your rocker!"
She shrugged at them innocently, but the calculating twinkle in her eye gave her away. "Fine by me. That's my price. Your choice."
James looked at Peter, who was now gaping at Lily as though he had never seen anything like her before; Sirius was wearing a shrewd expression, thinking over the offer; James himself felt mutinous. Leaving Snape alone? What fun was that?
But then his thoughts turned to Remus. He thought about how long it had been already since they had formed their plan to help him, how little progress they had made, and how impatient they were becoming. He thought of the night they had spent in the house with Remus during his transformation, the terrible sounds Remus had made, the sight of him lying, broken and bleeding, on the dirty floor the next morning. Making up his mind, James looked at Sirius, who seemed to be having the same types of thoughts. Their eyes met and James knew that Sirius agreed: it was worth giving up their torment of Snape for a few months if it meant a chance at helping their friend.
"Okay," James said after a few moments. Lily raised her eyebrows. "Okay, you have my word. We won't lay a wand on Snape for the rest of the year."
"Unless he comes after us first," interjected Sirius.
James nodded. "You can't expect us to just ignore him if he starts cursing us again."
"Fine," said Lily. "That's fair. Your word?"
"Our word," Sirius agreed, raising his right hand up as though taking a solemn oath.
Lily smiled. "Well that was easy enough," she said. "And to be honest, James, I'm shocked you couldn't figure this out on your own."
"Why's that?" asked James somewhat dejectedly, trying not to think of all of their grand plans for messing with Snape that would have to be postponed until the following year.
"Because the Quidditch pitch is covered with knotgrass," she said, green eyes twinkling.
"Bloody hell," muttered James, feeling rather thick, but his friends didn't seem to care that he had been ignorant of this particular detail.
"Perfect!" said Peter.
"Yeah, thanks Evans," said Sirius.
Lily, however, was surveying them again curiously. "So," she said slowly, "where's the fourth musketeer?"
"Hmm?" asked James, perplexed.
"What in the bloody hell is a musketeer?" asked Sirius, looking affronted.
"The Three Musketeers? You know, the book?" All three boys stared back at her blankly. "Oh never mind. Remus. Why isn't he over here scheming and plotting with you lot?"
"Oh…er, he mentioned having to go to the library after dinner," James lied, glancing at Sirius and Peter, who looked uncomfortable. Truthfully, he had no idea where Remus was; James, Sirius, and Peter had rushed so quickly out of the Great Hall after dinner to further discussion of their plan that they had failed to find out what would be occupying Remus that evening.
"Yeah," said Sirius, picking up the story with ease. "James and I aren't allowed back in the library at the moment. Pince has got a bit short with us of late."
"Smart lady, that Pince," grinned Lily.
"Ah well, we'll be back on her good side before long," James said.
"Yep," Sirius added, smirking and leaning confidently back in his chair. "No one can resist our charm, Evans, didn't you know?"
Lily snorted derisively. "Is that so? I think I'll take that bet, Black," she said, standing up and stretching before making her way back over to the girls' table. Adin leaned in conspiratorially upon her return, clearly questioning Lily as to what the boys had wanted.
"All right," said James, turning away after watching Lily for a moment and lowering his voice. "So now we know how to get the knotgrass, that's the last thing we needed…"
Peter paged through a stack of parchment that had been hiding under his Herbology book and pulled out his star chart.
"Here we are," he said. "Next full moon is in a week."
"So we'll get the knotgrass at midnight a week from tonight…"
"…and then we can start the potion the next day…"
"It'll take more than a month to brew the potion…"
"…and then we can start on the transfiguration…"
"…we'll figure out a way to get the other book from the Ministry…"
"…and we'll be able to transform easily by the end of the term, at least!" James finished, grinning at them both in excitement.
"Psst," said Peter, nodding toward the portrait hole, where Remus had just entered the common room, looking glum.
"Hey! REMUS!" Sirius shouted across the room, earning more annoyed glances from the other Gryffindors and an exasperated "Really, Black!" from Newlyn Gallit. Remus shuffled over to them.
"Hullo," he mumbled. James looked at him with concern.
"Who spat in your pumpkin juice?" asked Sirius, also eyeing Remus's demeanor with worry.
Remus just shrugged, and not meeting any of their eyes, muttered, "I think I'll go upstairs, if that's all right. See you later."
And with that, he disappeared up the dormitory staircase.
"What was that about?" James frowned.
"I tell you, he's been acting strange since we got back to school. Wonder what's up with him?" said Sirius.
"Let's go find out," said James, standing up and collecting his things.
Remus had only just entered the dormitory and thrown his bag onto his bed when the door banged open and James, Sirius, and Peter walked in, all looking at him curiously. Swallowing hard, Remus started unpacking his books, trying to ignore them as they clambered into the room.
"Remus," said James cheerfully. "What's wrong, mate?"
"Yeah," said Sirius, hopping onto the end of Remus's bed and knocking off the pile of books Remus had just stacked there. "What's got you so moony, Moony?"
"Don't call me that," Remus snapped, bending over to pick up the books.
"Aw, come on, just a bit of fun," said Sirius. "Lighten up."
Remus ignored him, now stacking his books neatly on his bedside table. No one spoke for a few moments. There was an odd sense of deja vu for Remus, knowing as he did that their friendship was ending, but this time it was the others who were playing dumb. He wished they wouldn't. It would all be so much easier if they were honest about not wanting anything to do with him. Remus refused to look at the three of them and instead stared at the canopy above his bed when he spoke, his throat tight.
"Look, I know what you lot are doing and you don't have to anymore, I don't care."
James and Sirius looked at each other, confused.
"Don't care about what?"
"What are we doing?"
"You don't have to pretend to be my friends anymore!" Remus said, his voice louder than he intended due to the unexpected reappearance of that foreign little feeling of anger. "I know that you're done with me, I'm not thick. Can we just forget it all and stop pretending, please?"
He chanced a glance at the three of them. James and Peter looked thoroughly confused, while Sirius was now gazing back at him through narrowed eyes.
"What do you mean, 'pretending?' We're not pretending anything, you are our friend," said Sirius.
"Why would you think that, Remus?" Peter asked.
"Like I said, I'm not thick –"
"Well you're doing a pretty good impression of it," snapped Sirius.
"I get it, all right?" Remus said, shouting now, unable at this moment to keep the anger buried. He could not fathom why they were feigning ignorance and continuing this charade. "Why would you want to be friends with me? I could have killed you that night! Or worse, I could have turned you into something terrible…something like me!"
"Is that what this is about?" said Sirius, almost laughing.
"Remus," said James softly. "Why would you think those things? Of course we still want to be your friend. We told you months ago, we don't care that you're a werewolf."
Remus flinched at the word.
"Yeah?" he said angrily, taking a step toward James. "Well you've sure got a funny way of showing it."
"What's that supposed to mean?" barked Sirius, now jumping off of Remus's bed and going over to stand next to James. "What in the bloody hell are you on about?"
"You think I don't notice that you're not including me in things? That you're talking about me when I'm not there? That you've been planning things without me?"
"That doesn't mean we don't want to be your friend," said Peter. "We're all friends – best friends – remember?"
"I get it…I know what's going on," said Remus, now gripping his hair in his own frustration. "Just because we made some stupid pact last year, you're acting like you don't care. But you saw me! You saw what I become every month…what I am! I get it. I get why you don't want anything to do with me anymore!"
The desperation in his voice shocked him. He had convinced himself that this confrontation would not need to happen, that his being phased out of the group would be a quiet process, a tacit agreement that the Marauders were now only three. But he was glad now that they were hashing it out, glad that it was in the open and that after this, it would all be over and he could move on…
James and Sirius were looking at each other again, and even through his anger and sadness, Remus felt a small pang of jealousy at their ability to somehow always communicate perfectly without even speaking to one another. He wondered fleetingly how long it would be before the Marauders became only two…before they phased Peter out as well…
The pair seemed to come to some kind of unspoken agreement, because the next second James turned back to Remus and said, "All right then, you want to know what we're up to?"
"What do you mean, what you're up to?" he asked weakly after a beat.
James didn't answer, but turned toward his bed and started digging through his bag. Finding whatever he was looking for, he straightened and tossed a book to Remus, who caught it with fumbling, uncertain fingers.
"We've been researching," James said. "We've been figuring out a way to help you during your transformations."
Remus looked down at the book in his hands. It appeared to be a very old, very beat-up copy of A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration. Remus stared at it, nonplussed.
"What is this?"
"You'll need the password," James told him. "We've charmed it so that no one can see what it really is unless they have the password."
"Just point your wand at it," Peter instructed quietly. "And say, 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.'"
Confused and with shaking hands, Remus dug in his pocket for his wand, pointed it at the cover of the book, and said with a wavering voice, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
At once, the book in his hands transformed into a much more pristine version of itself, with a gleaming title written in purple script – Animated Animagi: Connecting with the Beast Inside of You. He gazed at it for several long moments…trying to understand…his mind working sluggishly until, finally, it caught up to what James had told him before: "We've been figuring out a way to help you during your transformations."
"Animagi?" he whispered, horrified. "You're trying to become Animagi?"
Sirius appeared to have gotten over any previous anger and was now bouncing on the balls of his feet excitedly.
"Yes! If we can turn into animals, we can stay with you when you transform and you won't have to be alone anymore!"
"We can't stop the transformations from happening," said James. Then he added in a tone that suggested that he was personally offended by his own irrelevance at the idea, "You were right, there's no cure at all."
Peter nodded. "But we can make the time when you're in your –" he lowered his voice to a whisper "– wolf form better for you."
Remus sunk down onto his bed and scrubbed his hands over his face, still gazing at the cover of the book in his lap. He didn't know whether to laugh or use the book to smack them all upside the head. This was unbelievable, absurd even.
"We didn't want to tell you," said James. "We wanted to wait until we had sussed it out and were able to transform with you. But it's, er, taking a mite longer than we expected to get started."
Heart beating wildly, Remus looked up at them all, still in partial shock. "You're trying to become Animagi? For me?"
"Well…yes," said Sirius easily.
"No," Remus said, shaking his head in disbelief. "No way. There's no way you can do this."
"Why not?" asked James.
"It's too advanced! It's too dangerous! You think you can just turn into animals like that? Animagus spells can go horribly wrong! It's bloody illegal, for one…"
Sirius just grinned and started ticking off his fingers in response to the offered arguments.
"It's not too advanced for James and me, and we'll help Peter along, no problem. Don't care if it's dangerous, that just makes it more fun. Yes, we think we can just turn into animals like that, that's the whole point, you git. The spells won't go horribly wrong because James and I are about the best second years to have ever been at Hogwarts since Gryffindor himself and you know it…"
"And the fact that it is illegal?" repeated Remus with incredulity.
Sirius shrugged. "That only matters if you get caught. And we won't get caught."
"Look Remus," said James. "We've talked about this, we've researched it, we've started the process, and we're going to do it. You can help us or not, but we're going to do it either way, and it'd probably go faster with your help to be honest."
Remus stared at the three of them in turn, barely believing what they had just revealed to him. He thought back to the way they had been acting, to their secrecy, and he tried to comprehend the fact that they were not abandoning him at all, but were doing everything in their power to help him. Not only did they really, truly not care that he was a werewolf, they were willing to risk everything – their lives included – to make his life more bearable. He could not fathom why they cared so much about him. But he also could not, at that moment, have been more grateful for their friendship.
The least he could do was try to keep them from seriously maiming themselves in the process.
"Okay," he said slowly, suppressing a strange urge to laugh. "Okay. I still don't think it's a good idea. I think you're all complete nutters, in fact, but if you're going to do it either way, then I'd like to try and help you."
Sirius and James both broke into devilish grins that had become very familiar to Remus.
"Excellent!" said Peter. "We'll have to tell you all about what we've found out so far."
The three boys climbed onto Remus's bed with him, pulling the red curtains tightly shut, and Sirius muttered what he claimed to be a Silencing Charm so that Goomer would not be able to overhear them if he came up to bed. They all settled in and began telling Remus about potions and spells and books that they would need, but Remus could barely listen. His head was still spinning at the lengths to which they would go for him, their unlimited acceptance of him. And right then, as terrified as he was of what they were planning, Remus had never loved his friends more.