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Chapter 20

Never again

The Slayer turned around and nimbly dodged her opponent's kick. She resumed her position in front of him and twirled the stick in her right hand. She then countered a second attack before ducking. She knew how to trap him. She had quickly noticed that his fighting technique was not very sharp. She then extended her leg and hit those of her rival who mechanically fell back.

After the two opponents had faced and saluted each other to end the fight in favor of the young woman, Buffy headed towards Hui Ji who had carefully observed her every move during the six fights she had just had with the temple disciples. For the Slayer, the day ended with a victory both in terms of fights and self-confidence.

"Your analysis of fighting techniques is discerning," Hui Ji said when she reached him.

"Thank you!" The young woman replied with a smile. Buffy was particularly delighted by this compliment from her trainer. He was not talkative, and even less so when it came to praise.

"Tomorrow, we'll start with sword fighting," the man added before leaving without further ceremony.

The Slayer was not offended. In the three days she had shared the monks' life, she had understood that these men possessed not only an extraordinarily disciplined state of mind but also an iron will. Their goal was to achieve wisdom, knowledge and perfect mastery of their body through martial arts and meditation. There was no room for anything else. This was the accomplishment of a lifetime.

She had been impressed by this demand for perfection. None of the disciples ever thought of complaining or getting discouraged. They worked tirelessly, from sunrise to sunset. When she had joined the fighters this morning, Hui Ji had briefly introduced her as the current guardian of their world. She had initially felt uneasy by the unexpected revelation of her identity, but each monk had been respectful. They had not asked any questions. She had only read a deep pride in the eyes of her opponents when Hui Ji pointed out one of them to face her.

As she walked towards the lake where she was swimming every evening, the young woman was smiling. She felt good. Her anxieties seemed to be part of another world. At that moment, she felt in full possession of her potential. Yet she was not stupid enough to believe that all her problems had been solved by three days of monastic life, as wonderful though they were. This place brought her calm and serenity. Here, she had only to worry about herself and about regaining her strength.

At this thought, Buffy shuddered. Without realizing it, the last hours of training and meditation had given her back some vigor and even some willpower. The willpower to try to resume her mission where she had left it. The willpower to be the Slayer again. Despite this visible positive fact, she did not know if she should rejoice. She still felt very weak mentally. She did not imagine herself fighting the demon guardian of the book or guiding her friends to a new victory. It was still too early.

A few minutes after diving into the lake, the cold water forced her to speed up her movements. As she began her fourth length, she thought about the well-being this place gave her. Even though it was thousands of miles from home, the landscape was familiar and soothed her. The temple had become a place of protection and security for her, but the Slayer did not forget that her sister and friends were not so lucky.

So she had asked Spike to meet her here at nightfall. The vampire hadn't spoken about the book since she had been staying with the monks. In the meantime, she had asked him to gather the various ingredients that Willow had asked for her spells and he had finished shopping the day before. Now, she knew the vampire well enough to know that he wouldn't sit idly by and wait for her to regain her confidence. She knew Spike was extremely patient with her, but the fact was that if she refused to be the Slayer, the vampire could just as easily get tired of granting her so many favors.

The last rays of the sun had barely disappeared when Spike sat down next to her in the green grass. The young woman had settled down where her gaze could take in the lake, the mountainside and the darkening sky. She liked to come here to work on her meditation, which was still the hardest for her.

"I see why you like coming here," the vampire noted as he also enjoyed the beauty of the landscape.

"When the sun goes down on the lake, its rays are reflected all the way to the mountain," Buffy said. "It's truly a magnificent sight. Too bad you can't enjoy it…"

Spike noticed that the Slayer was once again lost in the contemplation of her surroundings. He had never seen her so attentive to nature, but he wanted to believe that her mood was a beneficial consequence of this place. As long as the young woman felt better, he was ready to sit and contemplate this lake for days.

"How was your day?" She asked after a few moments of silence. The vampire grimaced and took a cigarette out of his pack. "I learned that the creature guarding the book never sleeps." The Slayer stared at him questioningly and Spike continued. "I stayed in this damn cavern all day. No new demons have returned but the big one is the worst sentinel…"

"No apparent weakness?"

"Don't worry, I'll find it," the vampire concluded, blowing his smoke towards the stars. There was silence for a moment before Spike spoke again. "What about you? How was your day?"

"I feel better," the young woman replied sincerely. The vampire turned and gaze at her for a few moments while she looked back at him with amusement. "Well? Isn't that good news?" She asked with a laugh.

"It is," the vampire hastened to confirm. "You really do look better," he added then, engraving in his memory her radiant look and tanned complexion.

"You were right to force me to come to this temple," the Slayer admitted with a grimace.

"I'm always right," he pointed out mockingly.

Buffy shook her head to show her disagreement but couldn't help but smile again. "I haven't thanked you for everything you've done for me since… the other night." The Slayer continued seriously, "I know I'm not always grateful or easy to live with these days, but I appreciate that you're still here…"

"I tried to switch you with another slayer but there isn't any around," the vampire joked to hide the fact that her words went straight to his heart.

"To be completely honest, I feel better but I don't feel ready to go back to work yet," she continued. "I need a few more days, I think…"

"Don't worry. I'll find a way to bring that book back."

"No, it's too dangerous. In a few days, I'll probably be recovered enough."

"Buffy, your friends need this book," he pointed out to her. "Every day counts." The Slayer sighed as the wind blew gently around them and she felt the weight of guilt overwhelm her again. "I'll find a way," the vampire repeated because he had sensed her uneasiness.

Buffy bit her lip and let her gaze wander over the darkened mountain. They stayed like that, side by side, until only the light of the stars allowed them to distinguish the shadows. Fortunately, the night was clear and the moon lit up the valley widely.

"Spike, why didn't you tell me you were back?" The Slayer suddenly asked, turning to him.

"I'm connected to the First, Buffy," the vampire reminded her, searching his pocket for a new cigarette. He absolutely didn't want to have this conversation with her tonight and he tried not to meet her gaze, but she insisted. "You couldn't have known that when you came back," she pointed out to him.

The vampire sighed and finally turned to her in turn. "I didn't know why or how I came back… At first, I even wondered if I wasn't in another dimension. To make sure, I went to Angel's office because it was my only recent landmark in the city. When I saw him and he told me what had happened, that you had saved the world, I knew I had come back for good…"

He paused to light his cigarette then looked away. For her part, Buffy held her breath, hoping that Spike would continue.

"I knew there was something different." The vampire went on, "I didn't want to get involved until I was sure. If the First was manipulating me again, I couldn't take that risk."

"So you told Willow," the young woman continued and the vampire nodded. "She was the only one who really had a chance of figuring out what was happening to me. Knowing if I was dangerous."

"And she discovered that you're connected to the First again," Buffy murmured.

"Like I told you, she thinks that the First can't manipulate me but this connection between us can't be good," he sighed.

"We don't know," the Slayer noted. "We assume. Everything will be much clearer as soon as we have the book. Will will find a way to cut this connection."

"Buffy, when we bring back that book, I won't take any more risks," Spike said. "I was stupid to trust your girlfriend; things could get messy…"

"What do you mean?" The Slayer wondered.

"I won't stay."

The young woman frowned.

"Maybe the First will try to use me against you again by exploiting this connection," he explained to her then. Buffy looked away. She found this idea both logical and silly at the same time. "We've taken care of that last time," she reminded him.

"That's different, Buffy," the vampire said, shaking his head. "I have visions of what it's doing, and it probably has visions of me!"

"If the First can spy on us through you, we can probably do the same," the Slayer argued. Spike stood up abruptly. He was uncomfortable, and he threw his burned cigarette butt away.

"What's wrong?" Buffy asked.

"Buffy, listen, it's late and you should…"

"Spike, what are you hiding?" The Slayer insisted, now certain that he was hiding something important from her. The vampire hesitated for a few seconds before resigning himself in front of the inquisitive look of the young woman at his side. He knew that she would not give him a break until he had justified his choice enough in her eyes.

"I don't wanna stay," he admitted while Buffy frowned.

Faced with her incomprehension, Spike sighed. He then chose to sit down next to her to explain the other side of his decision.

"I don't wanna stay," he repeated softly.

"Why?" The Slayer asked him in astonishment.

"I don't wanna get so involved with you anymore," he murmured, bringing his hand closer to a lock of her hair swept by the wind and which crossed the young blonde woman's face. He seemed to realize what he was about to do though, and he stopped halfway through before continuing his explanation. "I need to see something else, to find my place in this world. I still have to adapt to this status of a vampire with a soul and it's not easy. I don't wanna end up like Angel," he added, grimacing.

Seeing that Buffy didn't answer, he continued. "We've been through a lot together, Buffy. There were wonderful moments and others… that I don't like to remember. Since I came back, I can't stop thinking about it…"

"About what?"

"About that day when… I was no better than those guys who attacked you!" The vampire said angrily. "When you don't have an apocalypse to deal with, you've got too much time to relive your mistakes," he murmured with a bitter smile. "But today, I feel ready to take a new turn. To build another life. And to let you make yours…" he finished softly.

"You won't come help us then?" The Slayer asked angrily as she stood up.

Peace and quiet had vanished in the few seconds that this sentence had lasted. Spike stood up in turn, annoyed. Once again, he had opened his heart to the young woman and all he got in return was a cold question about her fight. He didn't expect her to fall into his arms, but he would have appreciated it if she had noticed the effort he was making towards her.

"If Willow wants to do some tests, I'll come. But I don't wanna get involved with the others."

"You were braver last year," the Slayer pointed out slyly.

"Exactly, I did my part. If you want a boy scout now, you got your dear Angel!" He replied disdainfully.

"Indeed, at least I can count on him!" The Slayer and the vampire stared at each other for a few more moments before the young woman ended their meeting. "Well. Since everything is clear, I'll go back to the temple," she said before heading back.

The vampire continued to stare at her figure until she melted into the night. He had made the right decision. He would never be able to look at her as just another woman, and he would never forgive himself for what he had done to her. Forced separation was his only option.

The next day went the same way as the previous ones for Buffy. From dawn until noon, she trained in swordplay with attack and defense postures against particularly well-trained opponents. After lunch, the temple master came to replace Hui Ji and he told her to meditate but the Slayer had great difficulty in concentrating once again.

Her tempestuous conversation the day before with Spike did not help her and she felt furious with him. Well-being was already a distant memory and the relaxation exercises that the monk told her to do seemed like real torture. Finally, the training day came to an end and Jiang Ho Zi told her that she had finished her last exercise.

"You weren't focused today," he said when Buffy was already slipping away towards the lake.

"I'm sorry," the young woman replied as she approached the monk. "I have a hard time silencing my emotions…"

"What you feel shouldn't stop you from doing what you came here for."

"I know." The Slayer sighed, "But I can't ignore them either!"

"When yin and yang are out of place, the balance is broken," the monk said.

Buffy looked at him, puzzled. The temple master had a habit of using obscure sentences for his disciples and she wasn't the best at solving the riddles. Noticing her confusion, the monk smiled. "As a human being, you have a part yin and a part yang. As a Chosen One, you have them too but on a much larger scale. So it's natural that your feelings are heightened."

"Is it possible to put them back in their place?" The Slayer asked, looking bored. "I'm tired of being their toy!"

"When your friend has retrieved the book, you will not be far from the Truth."

"How do you know that Spike wants to retrieve the book?" Buffy wondered. "You spied on us!" She got indignant.

"He came to find me late last night," the monk explained while the Slayer's eyes widened. "He was looking for a way to put the demon to sleep since he never sleeps."

"Did you give him something?" The young woman asked anxiously.

"A sleeping pill powerful enough to put the fiercest beasts of our mountain to sleep."

"And you think that'll be enough?" The Slayer was alarmed, "This demon is much more powerful than a tiger or a bear!"

"Your friend seemed satisfied and left with it," the monk concluded.

Buffy glanced at the sky. The sun would soon disappear, allowing the vampire to carry out his plan. She headed towards the tree where the sword she had trained with during the morning rested and grabbed it.

The monk watched her jump the garden fence and rush towards the large staircase of the village which would maybe lead her in time to the cave where the monster was waiting for her.

When Buffy finally arrived in front of the entrance of the cave, it had been dark for several minutes. She was panicked at the idea of finding only a pile of ashes at the feet of the gigantic demon that they had unsuccessfully fought the last time and she did not bother to look around, running towards the center of the cavern. When she reached her destination, she immediately spotted the two fighters. She also noticed that part of the cave had collapsed because of the blows of the monster, creating a large hole in which the blond vampire was trying to hurt his opponent with a stick shaped like a spear.

"Spike!" She called out to him. The vampire instinctively raised his head at the sound of her voice while the demon took advantage of the opportunity to throw him to the ground.

"Aim for the eyes!" The young woman said, throwing the sword she had brought to him.

Spike skillfully grabbed the sword and rushed at the monster again while Buffy looked around for another weapon before jumping into the fight. She then saw the sharp stones that had come loose from the mountain during the fight. She grabbed two of them and was about to jump into the hole when she saw that the vampire was winning.

Near the demon's head, he successively pushed the blade of the sword in both of his eyes before quickly moving away. Indeed, the giant was dying and no longer knowing where his opponent was, he was swinging in all directions while letting out terrible cries of pain. In an instant, Spike repositioned himself in front of him and thrust the blade into his heart. The demon wandered for a few more seconds before collapsing with a dull noise that made the walls of the cavern shake.

As soon as he had made sure that the monster was dead, Spike lifted himself out of the hole while Buffy let go of the stones she was still holding. She stared at the vampire for a few moments. Spike was headed towards the altar where the book was and she noticed that no serious injury had reached him.

"The monk's sleeping pill didn't work?" She asked him.

"Barely stunned him." The vampire winced as he contemplated the coveted book.

"Dammit, Spike! You're insane!" The Slayer exclaimed.

From behind, she saw him shrug. "We needed to get that book back," he replied, wrapping it in his long black coat that he had previously removed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She continued angrily, approaching in turn.

"You didn't seem to want to talk anymore last night," he pointed out to her.

A few steps away from the vampire, the Slayer froze. "You should have told me about it. I'd have trained for a few more days and-"

"We couldn't wait any longer, Buffy! Giles and the others aren't up to handling this situation alone for that long. They need the book! I had to go get it!"

Buffy didn't reply and started to head towards the exit. The vampire sighed and followed her.

Finally in the open air, Spike lightly touched the shoulder of the young woman in front of him who had remained silent the entire way. At this contact, Buffy turned around and the vampire could see her sad look and defeated face. He was still angry from their argument the day before but seeing her so helpless pushed him to bury the hatchet for now.

"I should have told you, I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I thought it'd be easier if you didn't feel compelled to come. I wanted to tell you but…"

Buffy shook her head gently. "You did the right thing," she admitted. "I just never thought I'd become so useless…"

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," the vampire explained softly. "You made a lot of progress in a very short time. You've come a long way…" The Slayer's eyes filled with tears and the vampire thought he had hurt her. Awkwardly, he tried to make amends. "I'm sure your friends will understand if you decide not to come back. Don't worry, I'll talk to them…"

The Slayer's eyes no longer choke back her grief that silently poured down her cheeks now. The vampire put down the book he was still holding and spontaneously moved closer. Her tears were unbearable and he brought his hand closer to the young woman's face to wipe them away but Buffy couldn't help but step back slightly. Realizing what he was doing, Spike quickly moved away from her.

"I'm sorry," he stammered, avoiding her gaze. "I… I'll go home." As he was about to turn away, Buffy grabbed his arm. "Wait. I…"

She had left her hand on his arm without realizing it and her tears stopped as abruptly as they had appeared. She wondered for a moment what she could say to keep him by her side a little longer. Then she looked into his eyes, hoping to find inspiration, in vain.

Seeing that she still didn't say anything, the vampire decided to help her. "That's also why I don't wanna get involved… For these kinds of embarrassing moments that only happen when you're here," he told her softly while trying to free himself of her touch.

At these words though, the Slayer tightened her grip and Spike looked at her in surprise. "What's wrong?"

The Slayer didn't answer but she suddenly reduced the distance between them to a few inches. She moved her hand that she had left on the vampire's arm to prevent him from leaving and brought it up to his face.

Buffy paused for a second before caressing the vampire's cheek with her fingertips. She then ran her hand lightly through his bleached hair, thoughtful. Spike, for his part, could have felt his heart stop beating if it wasn't already dead. His eyes fixed on her, he didn't dare make a move for fear of breaking this moment.

"I was so afraid you wouldn't make it," she breathed, "Again…"

Her voice, still deeply worried, betrayed the torments she had endured and of which she was only becoming aware. Right now, when she could feel his cold skin under her fingers, testifying that he was still in this world, she could only realize what she would have lost. She then naturally hugged him and buried her face in the hollow of his shoulder while the vampire instinctively closed his arms around her frail body.

Their embrace lasted a few minutes. In the end, the wind made the Slayer shiver and she began to move. Spike dropped a kiss on her forehead and Buffy sighed slightly while she closed her eyes to enjoy this gentleness. When she opened them again, the vampire was looking at her intently.

"What are-" He began before the Slayer placed a finger on his lips.

"I missed you," she breathed. "You do not do that to me again, Spike. I forbid you to die again."

"But I…" In front of the young woman's now clear gaze, he fell silent. "Never again," he murmured, nodding.

Buffy grabbed the book and pressed it against her. "Giles will be thrilled when you give him that book," she whispered.

"Me?" The vampire asked, surprised.

Buffy nodded. "I don't feel ready to resume my role yet. I'd like to spend a few more days here. Can you tell them?" Spike nodded and they resumed their walk towards the village. "You don't need to stay with them. As soon as you have dropped the book off at my place and explained the situation, you can leave."

"I'll wait for you to return."