Chapter 22
Free
"I knew you weren't calling to invite me to celebrate Christmas together, but still!" Faith joked as she winked at Robin sitting next to her on the couch, "You can't help but find every possible apocalypse!" She added.
"We wouldn't trade places for anything in the world!" Xander muttered, "We love being where the action is and risking our lives!"
"You're in luck then!" The Slayer replied with a grin.
"Or we're cursed," Andrew suggested. He had clearly thought very seriously about this possibility but Angel shrugged. "Cursed or not, we have two more fighters. It can't hurt."
"Easy, handsome!" Faith interrupted him, "We never said we were gonna help!"
"So why are you here?" The vampire replied as if he already knew the answer.
"Okay, it's true that we got your message and I was curious, but I didn't think you were in such trouble!" The young woman explained, straightening up.
"We absolutely need your help," Willow chimed in earnestly, "The First will probably have enough energy to take back its own appearance very soon…"
"Where's the Scythe?" Robin asked.
"Buffy kept it. It's in the chest." The witch nodded to show him the place.
"Our problem is mainly if the First recreates the army we faced last time," Giles explained. "The Scythe allowed us to give the Slayer's power to the Potentials, which is still true today. But what allowed us to eradicate its army was the necklace that Spike wore and to this day, it is the demons who have it…"
"Then we'll need to go get it," Faith concluded as if it were obvious.
"That's what we thought." The watcher continued, "Unfortunately, there are not many of us and it forces us to plan extremely precisely because the demons have mixed with the vampires and other species of all kinds. They're now very numerous."
"Why did you wait so long?" Robin asked.
"Because we lacked information," Willow sighed. "We first translated the parchments about the creation of the necklace but they were not precise enough. We figured out that the demons used it to recreate the First but we needed a very rare book, and Buffy and Spike went to China to get it. We only got it very recently."
"I see." Faith sighed, "At least you know what to do now."
"And that's why we need you and Robin," Dawn added, delighted by the appearance of the second Slayer among them.
"Yeah, I got that," the young woman said while grabbing an apple on the counter. She briefly wiped it on her sweater and bit vigorously into the fruit before frowning. "Where's Buffy anyway? And where's her blond vampire?" She glanced at her surroundings. Faced with an awkward silence, the Slayer laughed. "Don't tell me they stayed in China all lovey-dovey while you do the research!"
"Spike brought us the book yesterday but he couldn't be here tonight," Willow finally explained.
"What about Buffy?" Robin asked.
"My sister wasn't feeling well enough to come back right away," Dawn said.
"Is she sick?" The former principal asked, frowning.
"We don't really know why Buffy chose to stay in China," Giles chimed in. "All we know is that she's experiencing a slight… malaise and needs some time to get better."
"Are you sure it has nothing to do with the return of the First?" Robin insisted.
"We don't think so," Willow sighed. "It looks like some kind of low morale…"
"Wow!" Faith exclaimed in disbelief. "I know why you're so impatient for me to join your team now!"
"Right now, we're a little weakened but she'll come back soon!" The witch hastened to add.
A slight silence settled among the audience before Faith spoke again. "How do we do it?"
"We'll discuss the specifics of the plan tomorrow morning and I hope we can get started in the evening," Giles said.
"We're not waiting for Buffy?" Faith asked.
"No, we don't know when she'll be back," Angel replied.
"Alright." The dark-haired Slayer stood up and everyone did the same. "Are there any good hotels around here?" She asked while heading towards the door.
"You can come to my place," Xander suggested. "It's not big but it should be enough."
"Cool. We're not rich right now. We spent all our money in Africa on our honeymoon!" She explained, smiling as she twirled her left hand, which had a gold ring on her ring finger.
"You got married?!" Dawn exclaimed. Robin nodded and wrapped a hand around his wife's waist. "In the middle of the savannah between lions and monkeys," he told them.
"We wanted to do something original," Faith added, delighted.
"Congratulations to both of you!" Giles exclaimed, shaking Robin's hand.
"I'm very happy for you two," Willow added. "But if you had told us, we'd have prepared a gift or something to celebrate…"
"We'll do that when we get rid of our friend the First again," Faith suggested with a wink.
With these words, everyone went home in order to enjoy a full night's sleep before the probable confrontation the next day.
Sitting on the edge of the lake, Buffy hugged her knees to protect herself from the wind. The day had almost completely disappeared and the veil of night was cool. It reminded the inhabitants and tourists that winter had not forgotten them.
For two days, the Slayer had been trying to stay focused on her initial objective: to regain control of her body. Being focused on this idea had prevented her from getting lost in dark thoughts. Buffy had stubbornly refused to think about anything other than her breath, performing fighting movements, the scrupulous observation of her adversaries, the anticipation of each move. And she had succeeded. She had immersed herself completely and had been surprised to find that her instinct was just waiting for her permission to take over again. Two days during which the young woman had thought of nothing else. She had felt it. The reflexes linked to her movements could not lie. Buried deep inside her, the Slayer was still there, and with her the strength and determination of the previous years.
This bubble of concentration had been momentarily broken when Dawn had called the day before though. She had hung up furiously, putting an end to her sister's monologue, who was also mad. Buffy did not remember hearing Dawn speak to her in this way since their mother's death. Blaming her for not thinking about her or her friends. For staying hidden on the other side of the world. For abandoning her.
The Slayer had been deeply hurt by these words. Dawn did not realize what she was going through. Her sister was her last family and Buffy was ready to make any sacrifices for her and she sincerely thought that Dawn was fully aware of it.
How she had managed to get back into her training in a few minutes, Buffy didn't know, except maybe because she wanted to get away from her sister's accusations and stay busy. Or to prove that she was not the selfish person Dawn blamed her to be when she returned home.
But tonight, after swimming for hours in the icy water of the lake, the Slayer had needed to give her bruised body some rest and in just a few minutes, her thoughts had started to swirl again and doubt had come over her.
The moonlight danced across the murky waters of the lake, disguising the shadows as moving reflections, like her mind. Would she ever be able to return to her best, she wondered anxiously. Had she lost all credibility by letting Spike go back alone to those who were eagerly awaiting her return? Wouldn't her friends and sister look at her with disappointment now?
The young woman couldn't help but let her thoughts drift to the last time she had felt her life slipping away from her. Long before the new threat had appeared, she remembered that she already did not feel like herself.
Buffy felt confusedly that this period was important compared to what she was experiencing today. She persisted in pushing these moments to the back of her memory but her mind continued to send her images, feelings, words from this not-so-distant time. She knew that she needed to delve back into it to understand what was happening to her now.
The Slayer closed her eyes and let the images come over her despite her apprehension. The starting point was her last battle against the First that had obsessed her day and night for weeks. She remembered perfectly all the tension she had endured every minute. The fear of not being good enough, the anxiety of not leading her friends to victory. But she had won. Once again, she had been the strongest and this time, Evil had been repelled so far that she had felt like she could finally rest.
Yet, strangely, the intense relief she thought she would feel had not appeared. It had intrigued her at first. Then she had found logical reasons for it. Her mission had guided her life for seven years and at that moment, she had been surprised to find that she did not know how to behave. Even in pain and tears, she had known what to do.
Without an enemy, she had time for herself and could legitimately have a normal young woman's life. But something was wrong. She had wondered if all this time spent wanting this ordinary life was not due to her inability to get it at the time. Or she had forgotten how to do it. Or maybe because she remained the Slayer anyway. This hypothesis was the most likely but it did not suit her at all and she had tried to convince herself otherwise.
Slowly, she had built her new life around this lie. She had found a job, had her sister over every week, shopped at the local supermarket, cursed her car and the traffic, and met with Xander as often as possible. An ordinary life. A life that should have suited her since she had hoped for it so much.
Despite this, she was aware that her Slayer reflexes still set her apart from the others. She was on the alert at every dark street corner and ready to fight at the slightest sudden movement around her. It had played tricks on her at work and she had been the laughing stock of her colleagues who probably thought she was paranoid. Dying of shame each time, Buffy had tried to bury her difference a little deeper by forcing herself to not be so attentive at every moment. After all, she sincerely thought that the threat was gone forever.
Buffy opened her eyes again and stared at the waters, now inky black and reflecting a starless night. Was that why she had shut herself off without even noticing it, she suddenly wondered. Because it reminded her of her past life and her weaknesses? She couldn't have come to this, she tried to reassure herself.
And yet, her relentless routine had distanced her from her circle of friends. Because she was watching herself, convincing herself that she wasn't playing a role, she had abandoned a part of herself. This part that connected her to her friends since they had known the Slayer. She had split herself in two. To the point of no longer trusting the people she loved most in the world, to the point of doubting their loyalty. She had also carefully closed the door to anything that resembled romantic ties. It had even been the easiest to put aside.
Love was known for its power to cause pain and she had personally experienced it enough to no longer want to risk it for the moment. She could have made up an ordinary past, shared it with Jack or someone else, then built new memories based on this life she would have had. Maybe she had unconsciously refused to do so because she knew that it would have been just another lie. She was aware that a relationship implied sincerity and honesty that she refused to accept for herself and it was easier to stay alone during the night with her thoughts.
And if she decided to be honest, to share her secret, she wondered how a man could understand what she felt. She felt tears welling up in her eyes then. Her mission had always tended to close herself off from others. Because it was her nature. Slayers weren't supposed to live long enough to have a stable life anyway. It was her destiny. How could she have given this deal to the person she loved? It would have been cruel. Promise them eternal love and die in battle in a few months.
Paradoxically, she refused to give up a life that could have been hers if only she had not been chosen eight years earlier. Often, she wanted to scream to get rid of this injustice. It had become her obsession. She was different. She would always be different, even when there was peace on earth. It was so unfair.
Riley's image flashed before her eyes. With him, she had had the most normal life possible. But in the end, that was exactly what had kept them apart. She was alone and inaccessible at war. Unlike the others, she trusted her intuitions and applied them. She had often been right and her friends naturally sided with her. But since they didn't really understand her choices, they trusted her like a soldier following their general into battle. You admire artists, you think you would like to be part of their world until you discover the sacrifices that this life imposes.
The young woman felt a tear roll down her cheek. She had to face the facts. That was exactly the effect she had.
"All of you know what you have to do?" Giles asked again, lingering on each face to watch for a sign. They all answered positively and the watcher removed his glasses to rest his eyes. The plan to take the necklace back was simple but it required precision and respect for their strategy that could not suffer any deviation under penalty of immediate failure.
"Are you sure we shouldn't wait for Buffy?" Xander asked, upset.
"We don't know when she'll be back, Xander," Willow reminded him, also annoyed by the Slayer's absence.
Dawn, who had gotten up a short time before, approached Faith and handed her the Scythe that her sister had used during their last fight together. The dark-haired Slayer grabbed it and thanked her with a nod. She then got up in turn and it was the signal for the group to leave.
It had been decided that they would take the necklace back tonight. Spike had joined them just like Angel had said, and Willow and Giles had thought about a plan all day. They had talked about it during their meeting and after a few modifications, it had been adopted unanimously.
The two vampires, Dawn and Andrew were the first to cross the threshold of the door towards the cavern. Immediately after, Willow, Xander and Giles followed suit. Faith and Robin brought up the rear.
"I love this Scythe," the young woman whispered to her husband as they entered the street. "I feel like I'm invincible with it…"
"Be careful though," Robin said, "We can't afford to make any mistakes."
"Don't worry. And it'll be easier when Buffy comes back."
"You're quite capable of leading us to victory, Faith," her husband assured her, grabbing her hand. The dark-haired Slayer squeezed it back. "I know. But I think two Slayers won't be too many once we get the necklace back…"
"Shouldn't you be with Hui-Ji?"
The Slayer jumped as she emerged from her thoughts. The monk from the temple she had taken refuge in a few hours before to escape the cold of the night stood before her, a candle in his hand. Buffy glanced around. The bench where she had sat was empty, as was the temple. Light was streaming through the tall windows of the building and the young woman concluded that she should indeed not have been there.
"Sorry, I didn't see the time pass…"
"Losing the notion of time is often experienced during meditation," the monk pointed out while lighting his candle before placing it on an altar.
"I wasn't meditating." The young woman grimaced, rubbing her hands together to come out of her torpor.
"You've made a lot of progress since you arrived among us." The man continued, now arranging flower petals without paying attention to her last sentence.
"Thank you. But I'm not at my best yet," the Slayer replied sincerely. "There are still things I'm not sure about. Others I'm trying to understand…" The monk glanced at the young blonde woman who was still seated and whose gaze seemed to be lost again because of what was worrying her. "Why do you want to abandon your mission?" The monk suddenly asked quietly as he took a seat next to her on the bench.
Buffy turned to him, taken aback by this question she hadn't expected. "Oh, well… It's quite difficult to explain," she stammered.
"Try," the man insisted.
The Slayer took a few seconds to put her thoughts in order before speaking. Her previous thinking had brought her some light but her ideas were still not clear. "I don't think I can do it anymore," she admitted. "Several times, I've felt like I'm paralyzed. As if I no longer had control of my own body…"
"How long has it been?"
"A few weeks," the young woman replied. "Since this new threat appeared in LA actually."
"Do you think it's directly related to it?"
"I thought about it but I don't think so. I feel like it comes from me. From the inside," she said, placing her hand on her stomach. "And I think I'm starting to understand why I got to this point…"
"I think you're right and you created your current suffering. The mind is good at showing us things we refuse to see."
"So that means I can't be the Slayer anymore?" Buffy asked.
The monk shook his head. "It means something inside you refuses to continue. Probably a fear strong enough to prevent you from doing what you were born to do."
"I think I know where I'm wrong," the Slayer whispered. "I thought I could be a normal person… I thought that when I defeated Evil, I could have an ordinary life. Not worry about that kind of thing. Get a job, find a boyfriend, build a family. As if the Chosen One would disappear and only Buffy would remain…"
"You thought you had defeated Evil?" The monk was surprised.
"It's ridiculous, I know. But after getting rid of the First, I believed it for some time…"
"You warded off Evil like no one before," the man admitted at her side. "But Evil is a part of nature and it cannot be eliminated completely. Like Yin and Yang, Good and Evil complement each other and each has a part of the other. As the Chosen One of the forces of Good, you also have a part of Evil in you."
"I know that. But I wanted to believe that something else was possible. That my life would not stop from one moment to the next because of the blows of a demon. At my age, I probably don't have much time left," she concluded sadly.
"No one knows," the monk pointed out. "No one knew that you could repel Evil with such force. I also didn't think that demons could choose to join your cause and yet your friend is proof of it."
"What do you mean?"
"Everyone is free to decide what they do with their life. Having a destiny doesn't mean that your path is already mapped out. There are parallel paths, detours. No human being has the date or place of their death. You are in the same situation. Certainly, your role seems to predispose you to a dangerous and shorter life, but will is a decisive factor when it comes to our time limit. If that is your desire, life will always find a way."
"You think a Slayer can live long enough to grow old? To have a family?" The young woman asked hopefully.
"Why not," the monk replied, shrugging his shoulders before getting up. "All I know is that we always have a choice."
Silence fell for a few moments and surrounded the Slayer who shivered. Then, the monk's words enveloped and warmed her. She had a choice. And if she didn't want to feel so alone, she just needed to let go of the barriers she had been carefully hiding behind for too long. Become herself again. But that meant making room for the Slayer in her life… Buffy couldn't stop a few tears from silently rolling down her cheeks as she wiped them away with her hand.
"I wish Dawn and my friends were here," she whispered to the monk who was busy again, "I wish I could tell them everything I feel. Everything I should have told them sooner…"
"The book will give you many answers. Do you know if your friend has arrived?"
"Yes, my friends are studying it. They'll send it back to you as soon as they're finished," she promised him.
The monk nodded. "Hui-Ji plans to train you in swordsmanship again. He thinks it's your strong point…"
"Tell him not to wait for me."
The monk turned to the young woman who had also stood up and was staring at the window allowing the sun to spread in slight rays into the building. For today to be a new beginning, she had to make a decision. She had a choice. Either she became herself again and made room for the Slayer, or she expelled her permanently. There would be no turning back.
"I have to go home. I have already let too much time pass."
The monk nodded.