Chapter 24
In the same direction
Buffy slowed down when the shadow of her house darkened by the falling night loomed. The young woman even stopped completely near the few steps of the porch. The light from the living room filtered through the windows, hinting at the presence of her friends inside.
She only had a few steps left to go to push open the door of her home and find her sister and friends. To become the Slayer again. And to become herself again.
Buffy was well aware that the second she took those last steps, there was no turning back. Although she hadn't wanted to since her decision in the temple two days before, the fear of not being good enough still tormented her. She was particularly afraid of Dawn's reaction because of her unexplained delay. She needed to be honest with those around her who were legitimately waiting for an explanation now. She had mentally prepared for the thousand questions that would undoubtedly assail her as soon as she entered the house.
The young woman tried to remember once again the course of action she had set for herself. She was going to expose her doubts and difficulties to her friends and together, they would find a solution.
Or they will reject me, the Slayer added mentally with a sigh. She immediately shook her head to chase away these negative thoughts though. She needed to keep them at bay or she could lose her will. She took a long breath.
By returning to her family, Buffy sealed the promise she had made to Spike a few days ago. All of this seemed so far away. She had been so close to giving up, she had been able to touch the saving rest she so yearned for with her fingertips. But tonight, she was here, in front of her home and uncertain, but knowing that she had made the best decision.
I am not alone, she whispered to give herself courage as she climbed the first step, then the second. She knew that her shell of solitude and isolation no longer had its place and Buffy took another deep breath to try to break a little more the feeling of anguish she could feel.
She had decided that all this was only another obstacle in the great adventure that her life had become. And she would defeat it, like all the others. To fight this invisible enemy, she would rely on those who supported and loved her. Certainly, her mission was not ordinary and made her unique in some ways but she was lucky to have friends and family ready to love her the way she was.
At this thought, the Slayer's heart warmed and she placed her hand on the doorknob before slowly pushing it.
Spike stood up grumbling and without thinking, he turned on the television which immediately showed a faded image of his favorite soap opera. He paid no attention to it and grabbed his pack of cigarettes. As he lit one, he glanced at the almost pitch-black night outside. There was no wind disturbing the trees of the cemetery and the city was falling asleep peacefully.
The vampire tried to get out of his mind the increasingly precise images that the First was probably sending him without knowing. Thanks to these visions, he knew that the cavern where they had recovered the necklace the day before was deserted now and that the creatures had dispersed throughout the city, wreaking havoc in many neighborhoods. Hundreds of demons were now roaming the entire Earth and the First itself was strengthening to the point that Spike was not sure that it had not already taken physical form.
This situation annoyed but also terrified him. Sometimes, he felt like he wasn't alone in his own head and he was afraid that he would no longer be able to distinguish between his visions and reality with the strengthening of the First. In just two days, what he saw had greatly amplified and he was all the more afraid of being a provider of crucial information without his knowledge if he continued to see the Slayer's friends.
Buffy. What was she doing right now? He wondered, blowing out the smoke from his glowing cigarette butt. Was she still hiding in the temple of this strange monk? Had she made a decision about the course of her life and inevitably, that of others? Had he been reasonable in offering his unwavering support despite the possibility that she wanted to bury the Slayer forever? He sincerely believed in the exceptional inner strength of the young woman that placed her above all others. But had he been right? Hadn't he made a promise that he didn't really believe would require him to resort to such extremes? Yet he knew that if this was the Slayer's choice, he would support her even if it seemed completely unlikely.
The vampire shook his head and took another drag of his cigarette. He wasn't even surprised to follow the blonde woman blindly even though he had once ardently hated her. He no longer wondered how he had gotten to this point. He only wondered about his ability to protect her from her enemies, but also from herself.
Unfortunately, what had bound him to the First since his resurrection only brought him new doubts about his ability to live up to his own will. He was not only aware of the potential weakness he could create in the Slayer's side, but above all, he had noticed in contact with the young woman an even stranger feeling that filled him with bitterness and anger.
Indeed, Buffy had been surprisingly trusting towards him since his return. Of course, her mood had been stormy and they had clashed many times, but knowing now what she was going through, Spike was ultimately not surprised. But why had she knocked on his door in the middle of the night after being attacked? Hadn't she told him about the life she no longer wanted?
The vampire had been delighted at first before finding out that he was waiting for a sign of rejection from the young woman. Spike had not been slow to assimilate this feeling to another, disgust. Disgust for himself, and for what he had done to her.
How could he do that? He asked himself once again. At this simple question that he had tried to answer so many times since he had found his soul, Spike let his gaze get completely lost in the darkness of the landscape through his dusty window. How could he have wanted to submit her to this point? How could his love for the Slayer have led him to attempt such a terrible act? Could he do it again without wanting to? And how could Buffy still look at him now?
He could understand how she could have ignored it while she fought the battle of her life against the First, but today, the Slayer had had six months to think about everything that had happened in her life, and therefore between them. An ordinary reaction would have been to reject or banish him from her life, stopping talking and looking at him, to the point of denying his entire existence. He would have understood that. But instead, she came to him when she was fragile and defenseless.
This behavior that he did not expect was now clashing with what he had promised himself a short time before. Indeed, the few months he had spent wandering the streets of Los Angeles after realizing that he had really been resurrected, Spike had tried to forget all his memories related to the Slayer before letting himself be invaded by remorse and regrets for his past actions towards her. But madness had not been gentle enough to take hold of his mind again, and the vampire had to make do with living lucidly with his faults.
After replaying the events a thousand times in his head, he had decided that the wisest thing to do was to live separately. At that moment, he had found himself stupid to reproduce the scenario that Angel had experienced with her. This thought had been enough for him to decide to reject his idea, but his tormented conscience caught up with him today as the Slayer was near him again.
Spike wearily crushed his cigarette in the modest ashtray placed carelessly in front of the television. As he got up, the vampire took a quick glance at the screen and immediately recognized the scene.
He watched on the screen the loving gaze of this stranger for a young woman who was quietly talking with her friends a few meters away, unaware of the attention she was receiving at that moment. It was a banal, even boring, episode. It told the story of a young student who was passionately in love with the heroine of the soap opera even though she had never met him. The stranger had been watching her during all those years when she had lived through a thousand love affairs and his love for her had never waned even though he had never dared to talk to her or even approach her.
At the end of the episode, she was leaving for good without the stranger having a chance to make her understand what he felt for her. The heroine would never know how important she had been to this young man, and yet she had influenced the course of his life.
Spike turned off the television. Unlike the student, he had had the opportunity to be part of the heroine's life for a while. Only, he had not been able to seize his chance.
Buffy closed the door to her room behind her, still dazed by the welcome her friends, Giles and her sister had given her. If she had feared to feel their disapproval, she was relieved tonight.
Xander had been the first to pounce and hug her to the point of suffocation if her Slayer constitution had not protected her. Then, Willow had come into her arms and Giles had also welcomed her warmly. Finally, Dawn had appeared, a few steps back from the reunion scene. Buffy's heart had tightened, fearing her sister's wrath. Dawn had approached after all the others had moved away and she had stared into the worried eyes of the Slayer. This examination had lasted a few seconds and while Buffy was mentally preparing to endure her recriminations, Dawn had smirked before hugging her in turn. In a fraction of a second, the Slayer had felt her last apprehension fly away and she had hugged her back forcefully.
"I knew you'd come back," Dawn had whispered while Buffy's eyes had filled with tears upon hearing her words.
Her friends had probably sensed her distress and nervousness because they hadn't asked many questions about her absence. They had encouraged her to go to bed quickly, remembering the jet lag their friend was experiencing. Actually, Buffy didn't feel tired but she had gratefully accepted the opportunity to delay her explanation a little longer.
The Slayer immediately slipped into her bed without even turning on the light. Through the darkness, she observed her room whose unchanging decor had accompanied her for all this time. This familiar environment gave her some more comfort and the young woman quickly fell asleep.
The next morning, Buffy woke up with the sun already high in the sky, which surprised her. She usually needed little sleep, but perhaps her peaceful mind or the jet lag had gotten the better of her Slayer constitution for a moment.
She quickly got up and put away the things she had left in her suitcase the day before. As she bustled around, the reality of the situation hit her and she began to doubt once again whether she had made the right decision. She needed to be strong and her friends had shown her that she could count on their understanding. In a few moments, she would also know whether they support her through this ordeal or not.
The Slayer was about to close her now empty suitcase when she noticed that small, sparkling objects were still inside. She grabbed them and immediately recognized the shards of the small pendant that Willow had given to Spike so that he could move in broad daylight and which had then broken in their first battle to retrieve the book. At that moment, she had grabbed the few broken pieces that had escaped from the impact and slipped them into her pocket in the hope that the witch could repair it when she returned. Then, she had put them in her suitcase and forgotten about them.
Buffy gazed at the shiny pieces in the palm of her hand for a moment, remembering memories and sensations of the few days she had spent with the vampire. She felt some more courage come over her at the mention of the vampire and for the first time, the young woman wondered why she had thought of taking refuge with him after the attempted assault she had been the victim of on New Year's Eve. It had seemed natural and he had been good advice in suggesting that she stay with the monks. Spike knew how to find the words to give her back the strength she lacked and he had once again been a great support. The Slayer then promised herself to thank him and shook her head to chase away this feeling.
Yet she could not help but think again about the few moments of real well-being she had experienced by his side. The few days spent on the other side of the world already seemed far away and almost unreal. She missed this village where they had stayed because of the serenity it had given her and she wished for a moment that she had not left it.
The blond Slayer slipped the pieces of the pendant into her pocket and closed her suitcase for good, which she then put in her closet. She stood up and quickly examined herself in the mirror. It was time. She was ready.
Towards the end of the afternoon, Giles, Dawn, Xander and Willow had informed their friend of the latest events before the Slayer began her own story. They had settled into the living room and Buffy had told them what she had been through in the last few days.
As soon as she was finished, the witch squeezed the hand of her best friend sitting next to her on the couch. "Oh, Buffy, I'm so sorry you had to face this alone…"
"It's not your fault, Will." The young woman reassured her, "I'm the one who shut myself away, I didn't want to talk about it…"
"Do the monks know what's happening to you?" Xander asked.
"Not really, but it's probably something I created myself," Buffy answered.
"Like some psychosomatic illness?" Dawn asked in turn.
"Yeah, something like that."
"How are you feeling right now, Buffy?" Her watcher asked as he carefully examined the Slayer.
"For now, I feel pretty good," she admitted. "The weirdest thing is that it could happen at any time."
"You need to take care of yourself," Willow noted, "When you think about everything you've been through since you became the Slayer, it's no wonder your mind is overcharged!"
"I know… I'm so happy to be among you today," the young woman continued, moved, after a few seconds of silence. "I really thought at one point that I was gonna give up…"
"We'll always be with you, Buffy," Xander assured her, "You can tell us anything."
The young woman smiled gratefully as she let the emotion dissipate inside her. She then noticed the bruises adorning her best friend's face as well as the scratches on her sister's arms.
"What happened?" She asked them, pointing to their injuries.
"It's no big deal," Dawn answered immediately. "I scratched myself when I fought against that huge demon that had attacked Andrew." The Slayer frowned and felt guilt come over her. Her sister had been attacked and she hadn't been there to protect her. Fortunately, her friends had been there at that moment.
"What about you, Xander?" She then asked to chase away her discomfort.
"I had an altercation. With Spike," the young man explained reluctantly and Buffy shook her head. "I know you don't like him, Xander, but he helped me a lot in China… I know we can count on him."
"Did Willow tell you about the connection he seems to have with the First?" Giles asked her.
"He told me himself," Buffy replied, "But he didn't know much more."
"He saw the demons coming towards us." Dawn explained, "It allowed us to escape."
"Their bond is evolving," the witch added, "I don't know how much he can help us and if he's becoming a threat…"
"You need to do more tests, Will," the Slayer noticed. "You're the only one who can assess how dangerous he is." The redhead woman nodded when the doorbell rang and Buffy glanced at her sister questioningly. "It's probably the others," she replied, pointing outside towards the night that had fallen.
The Slayer shivered. She hadn't expected to face the rest of her friends so quickly. On the other hand, she didn't need to worry any more now. Dawn stood up and quickly returned with the newcomers who, as she had expected, consisted of Faith, Robin, Angel and Spike. Andrew was not yet recovered enough to join them as he had told his girlfriend on the phone.
"Your sister told us you were back. I knew you wouldn't let me steal the show with the demons!" The dark-haired Slayer said to her counterpart with a wink as a greeting.
This introduction was so characteristic of the young woman that Buffy couldn't help but smile back at her. With Faith, they had had many disagreements in the past but she sincerely appreciated seeing her again. She was a precious fighter but also the only one who shared with her this status of being the Chosen One.
Angel came to meet and hugged her briefly while examining the young woman carefully. He found her slightly paler and less comfortable than usual but he wasn't surprised given the decision she had probably just made.
As soon as the dark-haired vampire had moved away, Spike simply met the Slayer's gaze to try to gauge her state of mind. The young woman looked back at him calmly and he quickly took a seat not far from Dawn.
"I'm glad to see you again, Buffy," Robin said, moving towards her in turn.
"So am I," the young woman replied sincerely, "Thank you both for coming." The former principal nodded and then sat down next to the dark-haired Slayer.
After Buffy explained again the reasons for her delay while not going into as much detail, everyone started to strategize how to try to counter the demons. After a while, they decided to take a break and Buffy offered to go get some refreshments from the kitchen. That way, she could stretch her legs but also be alone for a bit to get her thoughts in order.
As she opened the cupboard in search of the glasses, she thought back to the events that were happening at a dizzying speed. She couldn't believe she was talking to her friends about how to beat the First again when only yesterday she had deeply doubted her ability to face all these people sitting around her tonight.
"You look good."
Surprised, the young woman turned around and met Spike's azure gaze. She quickly looked away and began to grab glasses.
"I've had worse," she replied, gathering fruit juices.
The vampire sensed her nervousness and didn't insist further. Maybe the Slayer wanted to put some distance between them after realizing that she had dangerously exposed herself during their trip. He didn't blame her because that was exactly what he felt too. Knowing that she had returned in good health was more than enough for him. So he prepared to go to the kitchen door that opened onto the small garden at the back of the house so he could smoke and he walked past the Slayer busy arranging the fruit juices on a tray.
"Spike, wait."
The vampire turned around, surprised.
"Thank you," the young woman said as she looked up at him again. Seeing the vampire's puzzled face, she continued. "Thank you for bringing back the book and… for being there for me," she added, timidly meeting his gaze.
Spike nodded slowly, happy to have been able to be useful to the one who occupied his thoughts. He then chose to use this opportunity to tell her what he had decided to do.
"I'm gonna leave. I don't think I can help you. The First has taken on too much importance."
Buffy frowned. She didn't expect the conversation to take this turn. "When?" She asked before thinking of something else to say.
"Tonight or tomorrow."
"Willow is gonna do some more tests, you know," the young woman pointed out.
"It's not worth it, Buffy," he sighed. "Besides, I can't live with what I did to you…"
"What are you doing, Buffy? I'm thirsty!" Xander's voice interrupted them from the living room.
"I'm coming, Xander!" Her friend answered, turning towards the door so he could hear her. She then turned back to where the vampire was standing, but he had already disappeared into the garden. The Slayer remained thoughtful for a few seconds as she analyzed what Spike had just told her. She then realized that it was not so much the threat of the First but the vampire's inability to deal with his past that prevented him from wanting to fight now.
She poured some juice into the last glass and then grabbed the tray before returning to the living room.
Buffy jumped when she heard the door to her house close. She stood on the front steps, lost in thought.
Spike had reappeared in the living room a few minutes after her and everyone had continued to think about the new possibilities that had opened up thanks to Buffy's return and their new possession of the necklace. The blond vampire had remained abnormally calm and withdrawn, and the blond Slayer thought it was because he was mentally preparing himself for his next departure. It was like he was already withdrawing from the group in this way.
Faith, Robin and Xander had left after the Scooby Gang had decided to go out patrolling the next evening. Buffy had then accompanied them before settling down for a few moments against the wall to enjoy the mild evening air.
"I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving," Spike said to explain the reason for his presence.
"Be there tomorrow at nightfall," the Slayer simply replied. As she was heading towards her house, the vampire sighed. "Buffy…"
"Yes?" She stared at him defiantly, knowing full well what he was going to say and what he was trying to make her understand. For her part, she had had time to decipher the real reasons that were pushing the vampire to move away. She was ready. But Spike had also understood her strategy and he tried a different approach.
"What happened in China, when you were attacked…"
"Doesn't matter at all," the young woman cut him short. "You are part of what's happening here and you need to stay."
"I'm not sure how I can help this time." The vampire sighed again, "I may be letting the enemy in without knowing it…"
"Stop backing out, Spike!" The Slayer suddenly snapped, turning completely towards him, and the vampire was surprised. "You're connected to the First, fine, but we can handle it like we did last time. What really bothers you is what you did to me," she continued before he could reply. "I can understand that it eats you up, but you're using the First and your past as excuses!" She said firmly, "The warrior in you should want to help us regardless!"
Spike was now staring at her in disbelief. "What pisses you off more?" He fumed, "That I feel remorse or that I'm no longer a killing machine?!"
"Neither," the young woman replied calmly, "But you can't let your emotions get the better of what you do best."
"What? Fighting?" The vampire snickered, "Look who's talking! You're a shadow of yourself," he pointed out slyly. "You're so confused you're half the woman you used to be!"
Buffy took the blow without flinching. She knew the vampire was right, but the harshness of the words was no less painful. She swallowed her bitterness and focused on her goal: to make Spike realize what he was worth, which was much more than he thought. Maybe that way he could help them. And even if he decided to leave, at least he would do so knowingly.
"That's not what I meant," she continued softly, "What you do best, Spike, is help us. You know how to fight, sure, but you fight on the right side. On my side."
The silence fell then, interrupted only by the rustling of the wind in the trees on the street.
"I know I'm not at my best," the Slayer continued, "But if my friends leave me, how can I get out of this?"
Spike watched her carefully. Buffy seemed to want to offer him some kind of deal. Heal together. Help each other get better. They actually had a similar problem: a status to apprehend that they no longer controlled. Buffy as the Chosen One, he as a vampire with a soul and remorse. As if to finish convincing him, the young woman walked towards him.
"I'd like to deal with this myself but I can't. I try to accept it and you should do the same."
"What do you suggest?" He whispered to the figure of the Slayer darkened by the night.
"I suggest you stay and help us."
The vampire remained silent. How would that appease him? He wondered with perplexity. Perceiving his hesitation, Buffy used her final argument.
"Trust me, Spike."
The memory of the evening when the vampire had asked her to remain the Slayer for a few more days among the monks came back to him and his last resistance gave way. That night, he had promised her his support in the battle against the evil forces but also against herself. And she had kept her word. She had trusted him and he had said he would stay by her side no matter what her decision.
He couldn't turn away and decide not to come back, not to see her again. He had tried before. And he had failed.
"Fine," he conceded quietly, "I'll be there."
A genuine smile lit up the Slayer's face and she turned back toward the door. "See you tomorrow, Spike."