Captain Doug Quasar and Pat-Tron in Space Shark Madness

by Gravityfallsfan96

After Captain Doug Quasar and faithful Pat-Tron launch their 6-year rest period, the Commander bit by bit begins to lose his sanity... This is a parody of The Ren & Stimpy Show: Space Madness

{A grey rocket flies through space. Inside, the camera pans to show the various machines in the control room. Pat-Tron is busy working with some levers in front of a screen. Doug sits with a helmet and tube strapped to his head, recording his thoughts into his captain's log}

Doug:{thinking} Captain's log. Doug Quasar here, on a thirty-six year mission to the Crab Nebula. We've made this trip dozens of times. {He stops recording his thoughts and addresses the audience} You know, they say sometimes people go crazy on these long trips. They get the... {He records another thought into his log in a distorted voice} SPACE MADNESS. {He stops recording and faces the audience again, smiling} Heh. Space madness.

{Stimpy sits patiently at his work station}

Doug:Mr. Science Officer, commence relaxation period.

Pat-Tron:Aye aye, Cap'n.

{The scene fades to show Captain Doug Quasar and Pat-Tron sitting at a circular booth in another part of the rocket. Tranquil lounge music plays in the background}

Doug:Well, it's break time. We're not on duty for another six years.

Pat-Tron:So, whaddya wanna do?

Doug:Why don't we just spend some quality time together?

{Pat-Tron nods. The two of them sit quietly, staring at each other and smiling. Detailed close-ups of their faces are shown as ominous music replaces the lounge melody. A rhythmic tapping noise is also heard. Doug glances around, trying to locate the noise. He looks down to see that Pat-Tron is tapping his robot finger on the table. Pat-Tron follows Doug's gaze down to his finger, then looks back up as sweat rolls down his forehead. Doug's eyes show Pat-Tron's tapping finger and he sweats profusely, annoyed by the sound. Finally, Doug can't take it anymore and slams his hands down on top of Pat-Tron's hand}

Doug:Do you have to keep TAPPING like that?! {He grabs the front of Stimpy's shirt and screams in his face} You BLOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM! {He releases Pat-Tron and glares at him}

Pat-Tron:Hey Cap... ease off.

Doug:{calm again} Oh, hey... I'm sorry, Pat-Tron. {He sweats and tugs at his collar} I... I've just been cooped up here so long.

{Pat-Tron stares at Doug curiously, then smiles and pats his robot hand}

Pat-Tron:I think we both need a good hot meal. Just hang on, okay?

{Pat-Tron leaves and returns with a covered serving platter}

Doug:{eagerly rubbing his hands} Mmmm boy. I'm starving!

{Pat-Tron takes the lid off the platter, revealing three tubes of freeze-dried food.The tubes say "Oil Stew," "Fisherman's Pride" and "Brazed Giblets"}

Pat-Tron:How about that! A three course meal.

{Doug blows some air through his lips, then angrily throws his hands up in the air}

Doug:THAT'S IT!{He swipes the tubes off of the table}I need some REAL FOOD!

{Doug bangs his head against the table three times and crouches down behind it, growling and shaking}

Pat-Tron:{concerned} Relax, Cap'n. {He puts his arm around Doug, who is crying into his hands} I'm here for you. {He lets Doug cry on his robot chest} Let it out. That's right. Hey! I know what you need!

{Pat-Tron picks Doug up. The scene transitions to a shot of the rocket's bathroom, where a bathtub is being filled with hot water. The camera pans to the right to show Captain Doug Quasar and Pat-Tron standing under some shower heads}

Pat-Tron :Yes sir, a good hot bath is the best thing for nerves.

{Doug takes off a towel around his waist and gives it to Pat-Tron . Pat-Tron mischievously twists the towel and slaps Doug on the butt with it as he starts to walk away. Doug scampers over to the bathtub with his hands on his backside}

Doug:Ow! Hey! Cut it out! {He gets into the bathtub and gently splashes the water with his hand. He relaxes and slides down on his back into the water} Ahhhh...

{Doug squirts some water out of his fist. He quickly looks around and sinks down deeper into the water. Some bubbles appear and Doug raises his head, grinning}

Pat-Tron :I'll turn off the gravity. It'll help you relax.

{Pat-Tron presses a button on the wall}

Doug:What a pal. {He grabs a bar of soap that floats up off of the soap dish} Ahhhh. This is the good life. Just relax... and let my mind drift. {He rises up in a block of water and hovers over the now empty bathtub} Yeah... I'll just lie back, and think pleasant thoughts. {A pie appears by his head} Chicken pot pie... {The pie vanishes and some chocolate-covered raisins appear} Chocolate-covered raisins... {The raisins vanish and a ham appears} Eh... glazed ham! {The ham vanishes} Ohhh!

{The block of water begins to float away from the bathroom and past Pat-Tron at the controls. Doug begins laughing to himself and talking to the bar of soap}

Doug:They think I'm crazy, but I know better. It is not I who am crazy. It is I who am MAD! Didn't you hear them? Didn't you see the crowds?

{Pat-Tron pauses and listens to Doug's crazy statement, but then shrugs and continues working}

Doug:{holding the soap with his feet} Oh, my beloved ice cream bar... {He grabs the soap with his hands} ...how I love to lick your creamy center! {He takes three large bites of the soap and eats it. Soap bubbles start to flow out of his mouth} And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering!{He floats behind Pat-Tron again} You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper... boiled football leather... DOG BREATH!

{Pat-Tron's expression grows more concerned and fearful as he listens to Doug go on with his finally turns around and stares at Doug in shock}

Doug:We're not hitchhiking anymore! We're RIDING!

Pat-Tron :Stop it. You're talking crazy.

{Doug looks up and his eyes widen, his pupils briefly becoming crosses. His eyes go back to normal as he glares at Pat-Tron and hugs the soap to his chest}

Doug:Oh no! {He points at Pat-Tron accusingly} I know what you want! You coveteth my ice cream bar!

Pat-Tron:Come on now.

Doug:No you don't! You can't take it from me now! {The block of water tilts upward. Doug holds the soap close to his head and starts tearing up} I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child! People... always trying to take it from me! WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE?!

{Doug mashes his fists on the block of water, which splashes into little dots of water floating in the room. Doug backs up against a corner of the room as Pat-Tron tries to calm him down}

Pat-Tron:E-easy now.

Doug:BACK OFF, MAN!

{Doug foams at his mouth and eyes a toothbrush on the table next to him. He grabs it and holds it in front of him like a weapon}

Doug:DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS! ONE STEP CLOSER, I'M WARNING YA! DON'T MAKE ME USE IT! {Pat-Tron takes a step forward} Now you've done it! YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT!

{Doug sports a large, crazy grin and proceeds to slowly brush his teeth, which makes a loud squeaking leaps onto Doug}

Pat-Tron:Hiii-ya!

{They struggle. Pat-Tron tries to hold Doug down and Doug tries to push him away. Pat-Tron manages to pin Doug down on the floor and holds his arms in a tight grip. Doug goes berserk trying to escape Pat-Tron's clutches, but then stops with a mournful look on his face}

Doug:I'm hurting...

{Doug drops down defeated and passes out}

Pat-Tron:{sadly}You poor, crazy shark!

{Pat-Tron holds Dougs head up to his chest. The scene fades to a shot of Doug using the helmet to record more thoughts into his captain's log. He has five o'clock shadow and bags under his eyes}

Doug:{thinking} Captain's log. I'm tired... so tired. I can't believe my own partner attacked me. {Pat-Tron works at the controls. Doug looks at him suspiciously} Maybe... if I occupy his mind...with more duties... I can control his... {His voice becomes distorted as before} ROBOT SPACE MADNESS.

{Doug turns his head to the side and grins evilly. The scene fades to a shot of a giant laser in another part of the rocket. Mussorgsky's "Night On Bald Mountain" plays. The camera pans down to show Captain Doug Quasar and Pat-Tron inside of a glass dome with a tube leading to the laser, standing in front of a table with a red button on it}

Doug:Now listen, Pat-Tron. I've got a job for you. {He points to the button with a crazy smile on his face} See this button? {Pat-Tron prepares to push the button, but Doug slaps his hand away} DON'T TOUCH IT!{A close up of the button is shown, with a label above it reading "History Eraser Button"}It's the History Eraser Button, you FOOL!

Pat-Tron:{nervous} So what'll happen?

Doug:{pulling Pat-Tron closer to his face} That's just it! {He releases Pat-Tron and shrugs} We don't know! Maaaaybe something bad... {Pat-Tron looks shocked. Doug makes a dainty pose} ... maaaaybe something good! {Stimpy purses his robot lips quizzically as Doug shrugs again} I guess we'll never know! 'Cause YOU'RE going to guard it! You won't touch it, will you?

{Pat-Tron salutes Doug. Doug leaves, drooling slightly and laughing to himself. Pat-Tron pulls out a ray gun starts to march in front of the table, but glances over at the button. The camera zooms in on the button, as though tempting Pat-Tron to come closer. Pat-Tron realizes what he's doing and continues marching back and forth in front of the table, but can't keep his eyes off the button}

Announcer:Oh, how long can trusty Pat-Tron hold out? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence?

{Pat-Tron trembles and sweats as he tightly grips his ray gun to hold himself back. Perch Perkins stands next to him, egging him on}

Perch Perkins:Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires?

{Pat-Tron squeezes the ray gun so hard that it shatters. He flings himself against the table, staring transfixed at the button as Perch Perkins keeps talking}

Perch Perkins:Can he withstand the temptation... {He picks Pat-Tron up and holds him over to the button} ...to push the button that, even now, beckons him closer? {He sets Pat-Tron on the table and pushes his head towards the button} Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history? {He pounds his butt down on Pat-Tron's head to force him even closer} At the MERE PUSH of a SINGLE BUTTON! {He rolls Pat-Tron on the table like a rolling pin} The beeyootiful shiny button! {He forcefully pushes Pat-Tron's head toward the button again} The jolly candy-like button! Will he hold out, folks? CAN he hold out?

{Pat-Tron can't take it anymore and breaks free from Perch Perkins's grip, sending him flying offscreen}

Pat-Tron:NO I CAN'T! EEEEYAAAAH!

{Pat-Tron opens his red robot mouth wide and pushes the button. An alarm starts to go off. Pat-Tron falls down and bites part of the table while Doug stands on the other side with his hands clasped, shaking and wearing a crazed expression. Perch Perkins leans back in}

Perch Perkins: Tune in next week, as...

{Before he can finish, all three of them disappear into a blinding flash of light.] [Zoom out to show Patrick Squidina and their family watching TV. ]

Patrick: Aw man I want to know what happened next week.

Squidina: We have to find out next week and [Squidina turn around and see the same History Eraser Button from the show and Patrick about to press the button.]

Patrick: Ohhh what does this button do?

Squidina: Patrick NO! (Patrick pushes the same button as Pat-Tron. An alarm starts to go off )

Patrick: See you next week on The Patrick (Patrick and his family disappear into a blinding flash of light)

The End.