Content Warning: This chapter contains thematic references to suicide.

Shadow opened his eyes. Starlight poured through the windows, reflecting off the metal walls and the polished rivets on the ceiling. Maria sat in a chair beside the bed that he lay in, reading a book with constellations on the cover.

'Did you fall asleep again, Shadow?'

'… I was resting my eyes.'

'Uh huh.' Maria lowered the book slightly, and her brow furrowed. 'Do you really expect me to believe that?'

Shadow scoffed. 'Maria, you'd believe in anything.'

'I would not!'

'If you're going to say that, then don't say it while you're holding a book about star signs and horoscopes.'

'Oh, you're no fun.'

'If you believe in everything, then one day you'll believe in a lie. You'll get hurt.'

'No wonder you're a Cancer,' Maria muttered. 'You're too protective, and you overthink everything.'

'… You're calling me a cancer now?'

Maria rolled her eyes and said, 'I was talking about the zodiac, not the disease.'

Shadow glared at her, but she had already buried her nose in her book again. 'If you're going to believe in something, you need sufficient evidence.'

Maria raised her eyebrows, and she began to scan the page that she was reading. 'Cancerians build walls to protect their emotions … They also take on other people's problems and hold grudges. They're also highly sensitive and overattached to the past.' She stuck out her tongue at him. 'Is that enough evidence for you?'

'You're only reading out the characteristics that match, as opposed to the ones that don't.'

'So you agree that you're highly sensitive?'

Shadow braced one hand against the bed and forced himself to sit up. 'Damn it, Maria –' Suddenly, white-hot pain shot down his legs, and his arm buckled. He swore under his breath and gasped. 'What the hell?'

'Shadow?' Maria's book fell to the floor, and she leapt out of her chair, grabbing the safety rail on the side of his bed. 'Are you all right?'

'I'm fine, but …' Shadow slowly pulled the bedcovers aside and looked down. He froze. His waist and legs were covered in bloodstained bandages. '… What happened to me?'

Maria knelt beside the bed, folding her arms over the rail. 'Grandfather said that he wanted to try using your bone marrow for the next round of tests.'

Shadow tried to take a deep breath, but he couldn't. He looked down and realised that his chest was wrapped in bandages as well. 'How much bone marrow did he need?'

He could only see Maria's blue eyes behind her shirtsleeves, and her blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders. '… He said that it would regenerate.'

Shadow stared at his hands. An oximeter was clasped to his finger.

I'm sorry, Shadow.' Maria reached out, holding one of his free fingers with one hand. She tried to smile. 'I'm sorry that you have to go to such lengths for my sake.'

'I'm not doing this for you,' Shadow muttered.

Maria stood up and leaned forward. The light of the moon shone through her hair, and her eyes glimmered. 'But you are. Everything you've ever done has been for my sake –'

Shadow held up one hand to stop her from hugging him. The plastic casing of the oximeter reflected the starlight – a faint, cheap imitation of reality.

'You should have made more of an effort.' Shadow gave her a weary smile. 'Even if they had oximeters in the 50s, they wouldn't have looked like this.'

Maria froze, and her gaze darted to his hand. Then she smiled nervously. 'Shadow, what are you talking about?'

Shadow took the oximeter off his finger and crushed it in his fist. The broken pieces scattered over the bedsheets. 'Don't play dumb.'

Maria's smile faded. 'Oh dear. I really thought I had you this time.'

'On the contrary, this was one of your weakest attempts. This is pathetic.'

Maria's lip began to quiver, and she said, 'The version of you that I knew wouldn't have been so callous.'

'And the version of you that I knew wouldn't have been so cruel.'

Maria folded the safety rail down and sat beside him. 'How do you know what I was really like? Not only did you lose your memories, but the few you have left were rewritten.' She leaned forward and whispered in his ear, saying, 'How do you know whether you and I ever met in the first place? How do you know that our relationship wasn't a mere fantasy crafted by Gerald to ensure that you would carry out his revenge?'

Shadow took a deep breath, and he felt the pull of the bandages wrapped around his torso. 'You can't use that line of reasoning against me anymore. I met you in White Space, and you knew who I was.' He began to sweep the broken pieces of the oximeter onto the floor, and they clattered as they fell.

'On the other hand, maybe you do think that this is who I really was. After all, your heart and soul are supposed to be replicas of mine, aren't they?'

'… I wasn't always this way.' Shadow held one of the plastic shards in his fingers, squeezing until it cut into his thumb. 'Before I lost my memories, I was someone different.'

'You don't know that –'

'I do know that. Because you were the one who didn't recognise me when we crossed paths again. I wasn't the person you knew.' Shadow reached out and took her hand. Even through his glove, her skin was cold to the touch. 'You, on the other hand … were the girl who I remember.'

'How can you say that? You only spent a fraction of your time in White Space with me.' Maria's grip on his hand tightened. 'We barely spoke. You didn't even hug me goodbye –'

'Be quiet,' Shadow said sharply. 'We spent four years together. I know who you were. And it's not fair of you to judge me for what I did with a second chance that I didn't know I would receive.'

The light in Maria's eyes disappeared. The eyes that he remembered had looked like starlit skies, but now they looked like opals that were devoid of luminescence. 'I'm not the one judging you.' Her fingernails began to dig into his hand. 'I'm merely giving voice to all of your own fears and anxieties.'

Shadow cast her hand aside as though he'd been burned. 'You really are cruel.'

'No more cruel than you –'

'Be quiet!' Shadow snapped.

Maria slowly tilted her head to one side, watching his every movement. 'You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, you know. Why don't you just leave?'

Shadow looked down, following Maria's gaze. A pistol lay in his lap. He hefted it in his hand and ejected the magazine. One bullet had already been fired. It was a Colt 1911 – the same gun that Maria had been shot and killed with.

Maria leaned forward, resting her head on his shoulder. Her voice came out in a soft whisper. 'Sure, you could leave, but you can't bring yourself to do so. Each time we cross paths in a dream, you hope against hope that it won't devolve into a nightmare. But for all you know, they always do – because it's only the nightmares that you remember when you wake up. The reason you keep coming back is because you crave comfort, even though you would never admit it to anyone. And the reason you always stay is because you think that you deserve to suffer.'

Shadow took a shaky breath. 'T-That's not true.'

'You believe that it is. The raid on Space Colony Ark wouldn't have happened if you hadn't existed. Gerald wouldn't have gone insane. Abraham wouldn't have been orphaned. I would still be alive, and you wouldn't be drowning in guilt.'

'I never chose any of this.'

'Oh, but you did,' Maria murmured. 'You choose to believe that you deserve to suffer … because you're not strong enough to make better choices.' She cupped his face in her hands, forcing him to look her in the eye. 'You're weak. That's why you keep coming back here. You don't have the strength to choose a better life for yourself. You're going to suffer in silence forever, plagued by nightmares. The people you love will perish one by one. And your pain will never end, because you can never die –'

'I wouldn't be so sure about that.' Shadow slammed the magazine back into the pistol and held the gun's muzzle to his head, slipping his finger beneath the trigger guard.

Maria stared at him in surprise. 'Well, this is new. You've never used the gun before.'

'Why did you give me a gun if you didn't think that I would use it?'

'I'm merely a reflection of you, remember?' Shadow felt his stomach twist, and Maria said, 'You're the one who thinks that you deserve to die.'

Shadow's finger tightened on the trigger, and the metal began to creak. 'It doesn't matter what I deserve. I'm not going to sit here and let you desecrate the few memories I have left of you.'

'W-Wait!' Maria grabbed his arm, desperately trying to prise the gun from his hand. 'If you go, I won't exist until you return. I only exist in your memory –'

Shadow wrenched his hand free and held the gun to his head again, glaring at her. 'You're wrong. For better or worse, more and more people are starting to remember who you are. But even if they didn't, my existence will be an eternal testimony to you, no matter what I do with my life.'

Maria froze, and her voice quivered. 'Wait. Don't go. You exist for my sake, remember? I want you to stay, and you have to fulfil my wishes no matter what!'

'"Your" wishes?' Shadow smirked. 'Maria wished that everyone on Earth would have a chance to be happy, but your wish is to make me suffer. I would know – because it's my own damn wish.'

A crack appeared on Maria's face, a splintering faultline that bled golden light. 'Stop!'

'You can't control me,' Shadow said. Her eyes flickered, turning crimson as he spoke. 'I owe you nothing. And I'm not going to let you make me suffer any more.'

Maria clasped her face with both hands, gasping as the cracks began to spread. 'Shadow, it's pointless. You'll never change. Don't do this to me –'

Shadow grabbed her shoulder and pulled her to him, holding her tightly. 'I'm not doing this to you, Maria.' He closed his eyes, and he felt the cold burn of carbon steel against his skull. 'I'm doing this to myself.'

He pulled the trigger, and the gunshot echoed.

Shadow slowly opened his eyes. Halogen lights shone down on him, and his vision was blurred. He could hear the faint rattle of gurney wheels in the background. Medical curtains separated the hospital beds, and he could see surgeons rushing between the recovery ward and the doors that led to the operating theatre. Silver sat on a chair beside him. He was writing something on a board with a marker, but his ears were pricked towards the rest of the room. A faint beeping filled the silence.

Shadow took a deep breath and exhaled. He truly was doing this to himself. It didn't matter what he had been looking for when he'd come to the hospital, whether it was purpose, happiness or closure. All he'd found was pain – in every sense of the word. He might not let his past control him any more, but that didn't mean that it didn't affect him. He may have moved on, but he didn't know what he was supposed to do with the rest of his life. He lifted one hand slightly, and his patient ID wristband hit his inhibitor ring with a dull clink.

If the world looked to him for hope, then where was he supposed to look to find hope for himself?

Silver glanced up and did a double-take. 'Oh. Welcome back.'

Shadow ignored him and sat up, bracing one hand against the bed. The sudden movement made him feel like he was going to faint. He pulled the bedcovers aside, revealing the bandages around his legs, waist and chest. Everything in his dream had been a distorted reflection of reality, right down to the incision sites themselves. His heart started to pound. He felt like he was going to be sick. His fur was damp with sweat, but the air in the room was cold, and he began to shiver.

Silver capped the whiteboard pen, and the sharp click made Shadow wince. His head already felt like it was going to split open. 'I borrowed your patient whiteboard, by the way. I didn't think you'd need it.' Silver had already run out of room on the board, to the point that he had accidentally written over the edge and gotten marker on his gloves. 'I think that our best shot at saving you is by cancelling the program.' Silver stared down at the board, absentmindedly chewing on the end of his pen. 'Either that or I go back in time and prevent the hospital from being built in the first place. You can't die in a place that doesn't exist …'

Shadow covered his ears with his hands and closed his eyes, reducing Silver's voice to a faint murmur. He didn't have the heart to tell Silver to shut up, but he couldn't keep listening to him. His resolve was already weak enough as it was. If he began to entertain the idea of quitting the program while he was in this state of mind, then he might end up leaving for reasons other than his own safety.

Shadow heard a faint clatter, and he opened his eyes to see the whiteboard and pen lying on the ground. Silver was gone, and his chair was empty. Shadow lowered his hands, and he finally noticed the oximeter clasped to his finger. He pulled it off and held it, fighting the urge to snap it in half.

Suddenly, Silver reappeared, pulling a startled nurse along by the arm. She nearly tripped and grabbed hold of the safety rail on Shadow's bed to steady herself. 'Good grief. You do know that you can press the nurse call button if you need assistance, right?' Shadow stared at her in bewilderment, and she frowned. 'Don't you need medication?'

'I …'

Shadow winced. He hadn't realised that what he was experiencing was the result of having been under anaesthesia. He'd had many nightmares over the years, and the experience of waking up from one felt almost indistinguishable from the side effects of propofol. Silver, on the other hand, had noticed his symptoms and taken them at face value.

Shadow hesitated for a second too long, and the nurse passed him a glass of water paper cup with pills in it. 'Tylenol for the pain, and Ondansetron for the nausea.' She looked Silver up and down and placed a hand on her hip. 'I'm sorry, but Shadow's patient whiteboard seems to have gone missing … Would you mind clarifying what your relationship to him is?'

Silver swiftly kicked the whiteboard beneath the bed and shot Shadow a desperate look. 'I'm, uh …'

'You really are a terrible liar,' Shadow said under his breath. Then he tossed the pills back and cleared his throat. 'His name's Silver. He's my partner.'

Silver's eyebrows shot up, and the nurse looked equally surprised. 'Oh. Pardon me. I-I'll find you a new whiteboard.'

She walked off, and Silver buried his face in one hand. '… Shadow, why did you say that?'

'What? You're effectively filling in for Rouge, and she's my partner. What difference does it make?'

Silver lowered his hand. 'Rouge is your partner?'

'We've worked together for years.' Shadow shook his head wearily and pressed one of the buttons on the remote for the bed, raising it so he could sit back. He still felt like he was going to faint. 'Silver, I have a splitting headache. I'm not in the mood for this.'

Silver's eyes widened. '… I also don't think you're going to be in the mood for an in-depth explanation of how medical proxyship functions in a common-law partnership.'

A beat passed. Then the nurse returned and clipped another whiteboard to the end of Shadow's bed. 'Look, Shadow –'

Shadow set the water glass down with a sharp clink. 'There's been a misunderstanding. He's my handler, and I couldn't give a damn what you put him down as.'

'… Oh. Right.' The nurse snapped open a marker pen and wrote something on the whiteboard before leaving for the last time.

Silver sat down again and leaned forward to read what she had written. He bit back a smile. 'She put down "designated support person".' He put one foot beneath Shadow's bed, fishing out the whiteboard, and picked it up. '… Are you feeling any better?'

Shadow didn't dignify the question with a response. He knew he couldn't look much better than he felt. He materialised the Chaos Emerald and held it in his hands. If he began to accelerate time for himself, then the side effects of the anaesthesia would dissipate, and his bone marrow would begin to replenish … but the pain medication would immediately cycle out of his system. He didn't even know whether the hospital would be willing to give him the amount of morphine required to manage his pain while he accelerated his recovery. If anything, they would probably assume that he was an addict. He put the Chaos Emerald away and picked up the oximeter again, twisting it in his fingers.

He hated it. He hated having to rely on others. He hated having to use medication. He hated having to depend on mobility aids. He hated the fact that he had to choose between his agency and his sanity. He hated the fact that helping other people required him to suffer. He hated the fact that he was doing this to himself and had no one but himself to blame –

A loud snap echoed through the room, and he looked down, opening his fist to reveal the splintered fragments of the oximeter lying in his palm.

'Shadow?' Silver watched him, frozen in place. '… Are you all right?'

'… Do I look all right to you?'

Silver's shoulders curved inwards, and he drew one leg up onto his chair. 'No,' he said, and Shadow could see the contents of the whiteboard in his hands reflected in his eyes. 'No, you don't. I wish I could do more to help. But I don't even know how to fix this timeline, let alone fix the rest of your problems.'

'You don't need to "fix" anything.' Shadow dropped the plastic fragments into the empty paper cup and set it aside. 'You just need to help me stay alive. I can take care of the rest.'

'But fixing problems is the only way that I know how to help people,' Silver blurted out. 'And I … don't just want to save this timeline. I want to help you.'

Shadow felt a pang, and he looked down at himself with regret. They were more alike than he was willing to admit. Attempting to fulfil his purpose – whether as a weapon or a cure – was the only way that Shadow knew how to help people. But unlike Silver, he didn't even feel a desire to help others. He only did it because he felt that he should. And if Silver's warning had any merit, then following his convictions might end up costing him his life.

'Some problems can't be fixed, Silver. Just focus on your future.'

'But what about the present?' Silver leaned forward, and his eyes were lit with genuine concern. 'What about you?'

'I don't –'

'Shadow?' The two of them looked up to see one of the nurses leaning around the medical curtain. 'Are you well enough for a visitor?'

Silver tensed, glancing at a nearby surgical cart. No doubt he was looking for projectiles that he could use in an emergency. Shadow didn't know who would go out of their way to visit him while he was in this state. Perhaps Abraham had heard that he was out of surgery, or Rouge had found time in her busy schedule to stop by.

The nurse drew the curtain back to the wall, and Makena sprang into view like a performer on a stage. 'Shadow!'

Shadow flinched, and Silver's hand slackened. 'What the … Do you know her?'

'She's one of the patients that I'm working with.' Shadow gave Makena a wary look. She was wearing a surgical gown, and she was hopping from one foot to the other. 'Makena, what are you doing here?'

'I asked if they'd let me visit you before I go into surgery.' Makena had been holding her arms behind her back, and she brandished a bouquet of flowers with a grin. 'Look! I got you these!' She squeezed past Silver and pressed the flowers into Shadow's hands. Colour had been restored to her face, and she walked as though she had springs in her feet. 'They're spider lilies. Aren't they cool? It's been raining so much that they bloomed early this year.'

Shadow looked down, and the cellophane crinkled beneath his claws. He felt his chest twist. Red spider lilies were also known as death flowers. Some people believed that they foreshadowed death, and others believed that they bloomed when someone died.

'… Why did you choose these?'

'Because they symbolise growth and change. I thought it was kinda fitting.' Makena waved one arm to emphasise her words and nearly overbalanced, grabbing the safety rail on his bed for support. 'Whoops. Anyway, I know that they have sad meanings as well … But they don't just symbolise sad things.'

She wasn't wrong. Red spider lilies had dualistic meanings. They also symbolised both the pain of loss and the beauty of life lived.

'Besides,' Makena continued. 'They look really cool! And they're the same colour as the red in your fur –'

'Makena.' Shadow hesitated. 'You told me that your family doesn't have a lot of money. You shouldn't have bought these for me.'

Makena blinked several times. 'You're the one who's giving me your bone marrow. The least I could do is give you some get-well flowers.'

Shadow's grip loosened. 'Wait.' He set the bouquet down on the bed, unsure if he'd heard her correctly. 'You're one of the patients that they're giving my bone marrow to?'

'Yeah?' Makena tipped her head to one side and gave him a bewildered smile. 'That's what I was saying when we first met. My family couldn't afford bone marrow transplants, but I was able to get them through the program.' She held the safety rail and bounced on the balls of her feet. 'And it's been so hard to find a donor, but you and I were already a 7/8 match!'

'And they think it's going to work?'

'The blood transfusion worked. They don't see any reason why this wouldn't.' Makena gasped and said, 'Oh, I forgot. The blood transfusion you gave me circumvented my last pain crisis. I recovered so quickly that I was even well enough to come and see you. If this works, one day I won't need any more transfusions, and nothing will be able to stop me, and …'

Makena threw her arms around him, hugging Shadow. She buried her face in his shoulder, and her fingers knotted together behind his back, against the bandages wrapped around his torso. He froze, and his hands hovered in the air. He didn't know what to do. People usually didn't dare to come near him, let alone touch him.

'Thank you.' Makena said, loosening her grip as she began to pull away. 'This means so much. I-I'm really grateful.' She looked down at the bandages around his waist, and her eyes began to water. 'I-I hope it wasn't too hard –'

Shadow grabbed Makena's arm and pulled her back, hugging her tightly. A flickering warmth ignited in his chest. It wasn't happiness, but it was a faint spark of hope that maybe, just maybe … there were still people worth saving, despite his hatred for humanity. Maybe something good could come out of his suffering. And maybe he could choose a better life for himself one day.

'Stop that,' Shadow said, squeezing Makena's shoulder. 'If you get upset, you'll just make your post-operative recovery more difficult.'

'Shadow …' Makena tapped his shoulder blade with one hand and began to squirm. 'Shadow, I've got low bone mineral density.'

Shadow's eyes widened, and he abruptly let her go. 'I-I'm sorry. I didn't realise.' He forced a smile. 'If worst comes to worst, I can give you my bones instead.'

'I'm rather attached to mine, despite all the problems they've caused me,' Makena retorted. 'And you'll need your bones in order to help the other patients, won't you?'

Shadow felt his heartbeat quicken at the unwanted reminder that the week was nowhere near over, but it soon settled. If Makena's surgery were successful, then he would finally have proof that this would be worth it – that he could cure people and not just help them.

Shadow leaned forward, reaching to place the flowers on the table beside the bed, and he looked up. He froze. Alex stood on the other side of the recovery ward, talking to a woman with dark, curly hair, a doctor's coat and gold-rimmed glasses. The woman turned and looked in Shadow's direction. It was Verity.

'Silver,' Shadow said. 'Get out of here, and don't come back until I send for you.'

Silver stood up abruptly, following his gaze. 'Is there a problem?'

'It's not one that concerns you, and you don't want to be caught in the middle of this. Go. Now.'

Silver strode off with one last glance over his shoulder, crossing paths with Alex and Verity as they approached Shadow's bay in the recovery ward.

'Makena!' Alex said, and Shadow could tell that the enthusiasm in her voice was forced. 'Ready to go, sweetheart?'

'Yep!' Makena squeezed Shadow's hand and left with Alex, giving Shadow a wave as they left through the doors that led to the operating theatre complex. 'See you on the flipside!'

Shadow tentatively lifted one hand from the bedcovers in farewell, but his attention was fixed on Verity. She sat down in the chair that Silver had vacated, and she crossed her arms. She wasn't smiling. Her glasses reflected the halogen lights above them, and he couldn't see her eyes.

'… What is it?'

Verity removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. 'I had hoped you'd be honest with me.' She put her glasses back on, and her gaze was devoid of warmth. 'Fine. I can tell that you're not in any state to have this conversation, but you haven't given me a choice. Don't interrupt me, and don't make me repeat myself. Do you understand?'

Shadow nodded slowly. His fight-or-flight instincts were screaming at him to bolt, but he was too weak to get up and leave, and running away was pointless.

Verity gritted her teeth. 'Did you honestly think that no one at GUN would notice that the hospital's reports had been altered?'

'The reports were altered?'

Verity's gaze darkened. 'Shadow, let me be very effing clear. I might work for GUN, but I'm still a doctor. I've been trained to interpret reports like these. It's blatantly obvious that there's information missing from the documents. Why did you do this?'

Shadow's heart began to hammer. 'I-I didn't have a choice. GUN wouldn't approve some of these procedures –'

'They wouldn't let you change your HLA type. Don't keep trying to hide it, because I already know everything.' Verity jerked one thumb over her shoulder, in the direction of the operating theatre. 'As soon as Alex realised that you had altered the reports somehow, she faxed the original documents to my office. We also spoke in person while you were recovering.'

Shadow stiffened. 'I only have a week here. I might be able to reverse the changes to my HLA profile, but by the time I convince GUN that it's possible, it could be too late –'

'I could have helped you! I could have helped you make your case to GUN, but you went behind my back.'

'This is the only way I know how to do things!' he snapped. 'If we have to wait for GUN's authorisation, then I won't be able to –'

'This isn't the same as stealing a damn rocketship, Shadow!' Verity pulled her glasses off and blinked rapidly. Her voice was low and strained. 'Do you know how much work I've put in behind the scenes to make this program possible? I'm also the one who's supposed to sign off on your procedures!' She looked like she was about to cry. 'You know that little girl they're giving your bone marrow to? I could have signed off on a procedure that may have killed her because of what you did! Forget the fact that I could lose my job and get my license revoked … People could have died because of you! Shadow, what the hell were you thinking?!'

Shadow's heart slammed against his ribcage. He felt sick. '… I-I thought that Abraham might cancel the program if he realised what lengths I was going to. He's already concerned about the fact that his family is directly benefiting from the program.'

Verity stood up and gave him a disdainful glare. 'That's going to be the least of his concerns by the time he's done with you.'

'What?'

Verity shook her head and walked off, giving someone a stiff nod as she left. 'Commander.'

Abraham walked into view, and Shadow's heart sank. His uniform jacket was folded over one arm, and he held a sheaf of printed pages in his hand. His expression was unreadable.

'Shadow,' Abraham said. 'What exactly did you do?'