Chapter Eight - After The Battle
Remus fucked up tonight.
He lost control of his temper, lost himself to his paranoia and fear. He allowed the wolf to show itself in his face and in his eyes. The adrenaline of dangerously flying over a hundred feet in the air then free-falling as Remus tried to get back onto his broom, then flying at a neck-breaking speed to save George was still coursing through Remus' blood, and as soon as he had arrived back to the Burrow by portkey with a barely conscious and bleeding George with him, Remus realized he couldn't trust anyone returning. What if one of them had been taken and an imposter was in their place, trying to get through the wards of the Burrow, trying to take Harry?
The Death Eaters figured out the date they were moving Harry on, a date that wasn't decided until a day ago to prevent it from getting leaked, but it still did. How? Was there really a traitor among the Order who immediately gave the date to Voldemort as soon as it was decided? Or was all this somehow caused by Severus? After all, Severus was there at the head of the ambushing party. He was the one who Remus, Moody and Kingsley suspected who confunded the plan of the Seven Potters into Mundungus, but could Severus have known the date? Mundungus hadn't given the Order an actual date when he told them about it, or had he? Remus couldn't remember. Still, it made Remus cautious of everyone returning back to the Burrow, and it took away any flicker of hope he might have felt about Severus' reasons for giving them this plan. Because Severus was there, he attacked them. Led the ambushing party straight to them and his attacks were so vicious and cruel. No way it was all just a cover. It was too real, it seemed too real to Remus.
When all of that went through Remus, it caused panic, it caused doubt, and it caused him to act irrationally, caused him to act like a cornered, injured wolf. The closest person that had been standing near him, having just arrived before Remus and George, was Harry. With no warning, Remus shoved Harry up against the wall, pointing his wand to his chest, demanding Harry to verify himself.
Harry gasped out from his shock, his breath being knocked out of him as his back hit the wall.
"No, Remus!" Molly shouted at the same time as Ginny shouting, "Hey, what are you doing? Let go of him!"
"Oi! Lupin!" Hagrid shouted from the doorway of the kitchen, his posture bent. He was too tall to be able to fully stand up straight.
Remus ignored all of them. He had to do this, to be safe. Hagrid being a half-giant confirmed his identity. Molly and Ginny weren't part of the mission so they were clear. George was vouched for by Remus already, so that only left Harry.
"What creature sat in my office the very first time you stepped into it during your third year?" he shouted to Harry.
Harry recovered from his shock enough to try and fight out of Remus' tight hold, his voice betraying his panic. "What the fuck, Remus! Let me go! Are you mad?!"
As much as Remus wanted to, he didn't. "Just answer me! What creature?!" Remus shouted back, ignoring Hagrid's continued protests to unhand Harry, Molly shouting his name out again.
Was this really Harry? Or had he'd been taken and replaced with an imposter? But the way Harry's breaths were suddenly becoming heavy, the way he shouted to Remus with panic and shock, the way he looked back at Remus with green eyes filled with fear and anger and triggered emotions from his past of childhood abuse, Remus saw it before Harry even had to answer his question. Horror filled Remus up when he realized what he was doing. This was really his cub Remus had pointed his wand at.
"A grindylow I think, I don't know! Let go of me!"
Remus immediately let go, lowering his wand and stepping back.
Harry was shaking hard, Remus watched him run a hand through his hair as if he were trying to calm himself down. He avoided Remus' gaze. And just like that, Remus' adrenaline, his fear, his paranoia, it rushed out of him, replaced by guilt that made his stomach clench from the sight of Harry being afraid of him.
Remus really fucked up.
"Cub, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, but the date of the mission was leaked, meaning someone could have betrayed us tonight. We can't trust anyone coming back before verifying it's really them first. I was afraid you might have been an imposter."
"How do I know you're not one?" Harry challenged Remus, his voice angry and shaken.
Remus hated that he did that, that he was the cause of that, but at least he knew that was his actual cub being upset with him then some Death Eater in disguise.
"Ask me anything, cub, anything that only me and you know."
Harry looked down to the floor, he absentmindedly rubbed at his scar as he asked, "The song I helped you write, what was it called?"
Remus smiled briefly at the memory of them working on it together, sitting under the blanket fort he and Harry had made while waiting for Severus to come home to them. At that moment, Remus realized he would give anything if he and Harry could just go back to that night.
"This is the New Year," he answered wistfully.
Harry nodded at Remus' answer then irritably rubbed at his scar again.
Remus stepped closer to Harry, wanting to check if he was okay, if he had any wounds from the battle. There was dry blood on his clothes.
"Are you okay? Are you hurt? You have blood on you."
Harry stepped back against the wall, flinching away, his gaze avoiding Remus. "I'm fine," was all he said.
"Ted Tonks fixed him up alright," Hagrid added. "Took a bleeding blow to the head, did you, Harry? Hmm…maybe you should let Molly or Remus take a look at you again, Harry, you did pass out when we got to the Tonks."
"Harry!" Remus exclaimed with concern.
"I said I'm fine!" Harry shouted.
"There's no need to shout like that to Remus now! Come on, love, let me take a look at you," Molly interrupted before Remus could say anything himself.
Harry allowed Molly to check him over. "He's alright, Remus, Ted and Andromeda did a wonderful job patching him up."
Molly patted Harry's cheek, then went back to tend to George.
Harry frowned from her coddling then said to Remus, "None of the Order could have betrayed us. Voldemort caught up with me in the end, it seemed like he didn't know who I was at first. If we did have a traitor, don't you think they would have known our whole entire plan? I think something just gave me away."
Remus had been watching Harry with concern, hating how suddenly Harry was fearful of Remus' proximity but at his cub's words, it briefly was overtaken by shock and fear. Voldemort had been there and so close to Harry! Remus hadn't seen Voldemort during the battle, hadn't even known he was there. It all happened so fast. Now all Remus could remember was dueling too many Death Eaters, Severus' cruel dark eyes and George bleeding and falling, falling, falling, trying to catch George.
"Voldemort was there with you? I didn't even see him! And he caught up to you? What happened? Was he the one who hurt you!" The questions came out of Remus at rapid-fire speed, forcing himself again to not see for himself if Harry was really okay, to see if Molly or the Tonks had missed any injuries on him, knowing and seeing the signs that Harry was feeling triggered and sensitive to Remus right now. He kept rubbing at his scar.
Harry explained everything. Of how he and Hagrid were immediately attacked and Hagrid tried driving away as far as he could from the battle. How Harry wanted to go back and help the Order but Hagrid refused then they were suddenly being chased by a group of Death Eaters, how Hedwig had been hit. How the attacks from the Death Eaters became too much that Hagrid had been forced to push the purple button on the bike to lose them, causing it to shoot out dragon fire and go at a crazy-high speed. The acceleration of it had caused the sidecar to come off and Harry was holding on for dear life and trying to battle the Death Eaters at the same time and somehow knocking a tooth out in the process.
How Harry ended up on the bike with Hagrid, the sidecar falling to the ground with Hedwig's cage inside it. How in the middle of battle Stan Shunpike, the conductor of the Knight bus, was seen by Harry and how he only disarmed him. Then he heard the Death Eaters shouting: That's the real one! And they all left and how eerily quiet it suddenly was and so Harry told Hagrid to push the purple button again to get them out of there.
Then suddenly Voldemort was there… Harry stammered over that part then described how the wards from the Tonks' property chased Voldemort away and they crashed into the yard, then Harry blacked out, waking up a moment later to Ted Tonks telling him he was okay, that he had a wound on his head, broken ribs and arm and a missing tooth, but all of it had been healed. Hagrid was healed up too and then they used the portkey to the Burrow, almost missing it.
It was definitely quite a tale and Harry and Hagrid were lucky to have made it to the Burrow alive. Remus found out the answer halfway through it, the answer to what gave Harry away, causing Voldemort to go after them.
"Harry, you used a Disarming spell on Shunpike!" Remus scolded with exasperation in his voice. "That is what gave you away. I'm quite sure of it! The time for Disarming has passed, you were in the middle of battle! Those Death Eaters were trying to kill you, and you using that move only helped them figure you out! If you're not prepared to kill in battle at least stun them!"
Harry looked taken aback at Remus for a moment then said defiantly, "We were hundreds of feet up in the air! If I would have cursed Stan then he would have fallen to his death! It wasn't his fault he was there! I'm sure he was Imperiused, and if I would have stunned him then I might as well have just used Avada Kedavra on him, it would be less traumatic a death for him at least! Plus what is wrong with Expelliarmus? That spell saved me two years ago in the graveyard!"
Remus inwardly sighed with frustration at Harry's stubbornness and at the fact that they were arguing again, which didn't take long for them to do after their reunion. He couldn't help but wonder with desperation, what would Severus have done in this situation? Would he have sided with Remus and explain this more clearly to Harry how dangerous it was to have a signature move? Because that was how Remus was seeing this.
Disarming was becoming Harry's signature move, showing mercy to enemies trying to kill him. That was indeed very dangerous if Harry wasn't careful…
Or would Severus have sided with Harry, perhaps? Or try to be the middleman between them?
Remus wasn't trying to get Harry to see that it was okay to kill during battle, but sometimes, sometimes they had to do what was necessary in order to protect themselves, cursing instead of disarming, a lesson Remus and his friends all had to learn during the first war…
It was a hard lesson to learn, but this was war. This was how it was going to be until it was over…
And Harry couldn't understand that, and it worried Remus. It worried him greatly and it made him sad to know that the longer this war carried on, Harry would just have to learn it on his own like how Remus had, how James, how Lily, how Sirius had all learned it… Soon Harry would see what Remus was trying to tell him, he just didn't want Harry to learn it the hard way.
"Yes, exactly, you've used it in that graveyard, you've used it in front of Voldemort and all of his Death Eaters. It's an unusual move in battle, Harry, I'm positive that could've surprised them enough to not forget it, and when you repeated the spell Expelliarmus again tonight, it's what gave you away. Don't let this happen again, don't let it become your signature move. That can get you killed. Severus and I have been teaching you advanced dueling so use what we've taught you!"
Then Remus stopped because saying Severus' name hurt. Saying it aloud like that to Harry, it sounded like Severus was still their's, the way Remus inserted him into his lecture… Remus blinked, then frowned at his mistake as the cruel reality washed over him again. Severus wasn't here to put his input on this and it hurt. Fucking hell it hurt! And the way Harry looked at Remus with a furrowed brow, Remus knew he felt the loss too.
Then Harry shook his head with disbelief, curling his lip as he said, "You made a big whole fucking stink about me going after Bellatrix, and now you're angry at me for disarming instead of killing an innocent man who should not have been at that battle!"
"Harry, this is different! This was a battle and purely out of self-defense. You were trying to kill Bellatrix out of revenge and cold-blood!"
"She deserved it! Stan didn't! I'm not going to be killing innocent people for being in the way! That's Voldemort's job, isn't it?!"
Fuck! Remus just wanted to shout out. How the fuck did he always manage to screw things up between him and Harry? Severus was always so much better with this than him.
The air between them grew thick. The only noises were Ginny and Molly tending and speaking to George, purposely ignoring the scene between Harry and Remus. Hagrid was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, an audience to their argument. Harry was glaring at Remus with defiance, and Remus knew that Harry was upset with him for more than just their argument. It was clear they had a lot to talk about.
"You alright, Harry?" Hagrid asked, stepping out of the doorway and sitting on a wooden chair only for it to instantly break from under him, shaking the small house for a bit. Hagrid sputtered out his apologies to Molly who waved it away, yet he didn't get up from the floor.
Harry didn't respond to Hagrid, he just moved his eyes down to the floor instead. Remus saw that his hands were hidden inside his pant pockets. With concern he wondered if Harry was sinking his nails into his palms, hurting himself to soothe away his anxiety and stress. Harry was closing up from Remus, the mental brick wall was back up as strong as ever, and realizing it, seeing it, anger rushed through Remus so fiery hot. It was for Severus, his sudden anger, this was all because of Severus. All that hard work they'd put into Harry's mental health, all that hard work to take down that wall… It was all gone.
"Harry?" Hagrid called to him again.
"I'm fine, Hagrid," Harry scowled.
Hagrid tilted his head to Harry with concern. "Lupin, you didn't have to be so rough with Harry now, did you? Why didn't you check to see if I was an imposter too, eh?"
Remus didn't take his eyes off of his cub as he answered Hagrid, "You're a half-giant, Hagrid, no one can properly impersonate you."
Remus then realized that it has been a while now since they've returned, a while that was too long without anyone else returning. Where were the others? Why were they taking so long to get back to the Burrow? Concern and fear pooled heavily into his stomach. He had to remind himself that Tonks was a highly skilled Auror, smart and capable of taking care of herself. She knew what she was doing, and Remus had no reason to doubt her. Tonks was going to return safe and unharmed with their unborn child, Remus told himself, forcing himself to believe that. He had to believe that.
"Hey, cub," Remus addressed Harry with worry in his voice. He stepped in front of Harry, but not touching him, aware of the others in the room watching. "Cub, look at me, there's no need to close up with me, you can still trust me."
Harry shook his head, still avoiding Remus' gaze who watched those green eyes land on George who was lying on the sofa. The side of his head was now wrapped up, the white cloth nestled against bright-red hair, and already it was stained with blood. At the sight of it, Remus then looked down with a frown at his own robes, seeing that Harry and George weren't the only ones covered in blood, he was as well. It was on his robes and on his hands. His nose twitched from the coppery scent. Remus stepped away from Harry then went into the kitchen, to the sink to scrub his hands, the cool water washing away his and George's blood mixed together.
A throbbing pain from the movement of walking to the kitchen suddenly came to light, and with it brought a memory of a curse hitting Remus in his left side during the battle, knocking him off his broom. Remus couldn't remember what Death Eater had given it to him. He was about to move aside his robes and shirt to take a look at it, but was interrupted by Harry's footsteps quietly following Remus into the kitchen.
"Is George going to be okay?"
At the sound of his cub's voice, the exhaustion was clear. Remus was surprised that Harry had followed him, and his concern for him grew with it, his frustration he'd felt earlier for Harry's stubbornness melted away. Remus turned off the sink, drying his hands with a towel. He turned around, facing Harry. "He will be, but his ear… It was cursed off by…"
Before Remus could finish what he was saying, suddenly there was scuffling and voices coming from the kitchen window. Harry's eyes widened, then Remus bolted out of the back door with his son on his heels.
Remus skidded to a stop, throwing an arm out protectively in front of Harry, stopping him in his tracks, shielding him from Kingsley's wand.
Kingsley stood before Remus with Hermione in clothes similar to Harry's behind him. The Auror was standing battle-ready, his wall pointing at Remus with careful suspicion. Remus matched his stance, aiming his own wand at the Auror's face.
"Hermione!" Harry called out. Hermione didn't respond, but her brown eyes were wide, her face pale.
Harry made to escape Remus to get to his best friend, but he only firmly held his son back.
"Wait," Remus said to him.
"The last words Dumbledore said to the both of us?" was all Kingsley asked.
"Trust Harry, he's the only hope we have left," Remus answered, his voice echoing in the yard, feeling Harry's shocked gaze on him.
Their wands lowered at the same time. Remus was about to move his other arm away from Harry to allow him to go to Hermione when Remus saw Kingsley with uncertainty move his wand to his cub.
"Harry's okay, I've checked!" Remus couldn't help but snap out, not wanting Harry to go through another interrogation by Kingsley. The wound in his side was now throbbing from his mad dash to the yard.
The guilt from how triggered Harry reacted from Remus' own interrogation was still on his conscience, but then he noticed how Harry was staring Kingsley down without even a flinch, ready to answer anything the Auror asked him.
It made Remus wonder why Harry had reacted so badly to Remus confirming his identity and not at all with Kingsley, then quickly realized it was because Remus was Harry's guardian now, a father to him. Just as Severus had been, was supposed to be, then betrayed Harry so badly just as bad as the Dursleys had done. Harry was brave, a Gryffindor, always ready to fight, always willing to risk his own neck to save his friends and others, but when it came to the people who were supposed to care for him, the people who were supposed to be his guardians, those were the ones that Harry couldn't trust, couldn't hide his fear, couldn't push back his emotions, always putting up his wall to protect himself from them no matter how brave he could be.
There was a time when Remus and Severus had finally torn that wall down, brick by brick, piece by piece. It took so long, so much work. And now, Harry was back to being a prisoner of that childhood fear, the mistrust, hiding behind that wall. After one summer apart, now Remus was starting over with Harry, another thing that was because of Severus. Remus suddenly felt the threat of being greatly overwhelmed at the growing list of things that were lost between him and Harry.
"Alright, alright, Lupin!" Kingsley lowered his wand. "You know this means we were betrayed tonight. They knew when we were moving him."
Remus nodded to that, "But at least the plan worked. It could've been worse considering who we got it from." At that Remus felt more than saw Harry perk up with that information. He realized Harry didn't know that it was Mundungus who gave the Order the idea of the Seven Potters.
"Thank Merlin, I should say," Kingsley only sighed. "Who else is back?"
"Only us, Hagrid and George…"
"That's it?" Kingsley frowned, looking out into the skies and the fields for any sign of movement. "And I feared that Hermione and I took long enough."
"They should've been back by now, at least Ron and Tonks, weren't they one of the first pair scheduled to appear?" Hermione suddenly gasped out, her shock wearing off enough to allow her to speak for the first time.
Hermione's question echoed Remus' own in his head, full of worry and fear for them, for Tonks especially. At the sound of Hermione's distress, Harry shoved past Remus and threw his arms around his best friend.
"What happened to you two?" Remus asked Kingsley, watching the teens reunite, still hoping so very much that Tonks and Ron and all the others were safe.
Kingsley and Hermione recounted the events that happened to them, then Kingsley said with shock, "Remus, Voldemort was there. He was chasing after us, he can… I saw him…" Remus had never seen Kingsley so shaken before.
Harry looked at Hermione with shock, then at Kingsley. "Fly?" Harry finished for the Auror. "Yeah, I saw him too, he went after me and Hagrid just before we reached the Tonks' wards."
"Ah, so that was why he left us, to come after you, but what gave you away?" Kingsley asked Harry.
Before Harry could answer, Remus said, "He behaved a little too kindly to Stan Shunpike, Harry disarmed him with Expelliarmus instead of attacking him."
Harry huffed out with annoyance at his explanation, but it was covered by Kingsley's bout of sudden laughter.
Hermione gave Harry a confused look, "Stan Shunpike? Isn't he supposed to be locked up in Azkaban?"
"Of course but due to that mass outbreak months ago, I'm not surprised to see some escaped convicts. Travers was on our tail tonight, another one who's supposed to be in Azkaban… Greyback has been on the loose for quite some time of course… But, Remus, what happened to you and George? Where is he? And is that blood you're covered in?"
Remus grimaced at the sudden mention of George. "He's inside with Molly and Ginny. He lost an ear."
Hermione gasped, her face turning white. "He lost a…?" She couldn't finish her sentence.
Kingsley tilted his head, silently asking. Remus didn't want to answer him.
"It was Snape…" Remus reluctantly admitted, his stomach turning from what he revealed.
"Snape did that!" Harry shouted, whipping his attention to Remus. "You didn't say it was him who did that! He used…!"
"Sectumsempra," Remus finished with a grimace.
Harry looked at him with wide eyes full of horror, finally making eye-contact longer than a second with Remus for the first time since they'd both arrived at the Burrow. It was nice to see his cub look at him again, even if he hated the reason for it.
Remus continued with his tale, "He was with Lucius, he wasn't wearing the Death Eater mask and hood like the others, meaning he must be so high up in rank along with Bellatrix now…" Remus felt sick thinking about how Severus achieved that… "He was going after you, Harry, he figured you out a second before the others and I stopped him, we dueled and he used Sectumsempra, hitting George on his ear and knocking him off his broom."
"Sectumsempra? What sort of dark spell is that?" Kingsley asked.
Remus felt sick again, this time from describing the spell to Kingsley, noticing the same uncomfortable feeling on Harry's face. They were both remembering how Harry had found the spell in Severus' old Potions textbook and how it led to Harry accidentally using it on Malfoy, not knowing what it did. Harry and Malfoy were both so lucky that Severus had been nearby to help them.
Remus recalled how badly Severus had felt about the whole incident, and not just angry at Harry for using an unknown spell on Malfoy, he'd been angrier at himself for leaving such a dark spell laying around to be so easily found. Severus blamed himself for it, Remus remembered that with an ache in his heart that shortened his breath just a bit. He remembered how Severus had desperately made it clear to Remus that he wasn't that boy anymore, that young teenage boy who was so lost and angry and alone, creating dark spells to hurt people, to impress people, to earn his place with Voldemort. Oh, how foolish Remus felt about himself to have believed all of that. It was clear to him now that Severus must've purposely left that book lying around, hoping Harry would find it, then whatever terrible plan Severus must've had failed when the spell was used on Malfoy, and Severus desperately had to cover up his tracks….
"Remus, are you okay?" Kingsley asked.
Remus pulled himself out of his thoughts, realizing they were all waiting for him to continue. He rubbed a hand over his face, inwardly composing himself before speaking again.
"It's a creation of Severus'... It tears your body apart… It's a specialty curse of his, I'm assuming… After George got hit with it I immediately tore myself away from the duel as fast as I possibly could, flying straight down to catch him. They chased after me, Severus, Malfoy and two others. I managed to fight them off, then one of them hit me…" Remus finally pulled back his robe, revealing his shirt and vest underneath, soaked with blood and most of the materials burnt off from a hidden burn wound on his side.
Harry gapped at the ugly sight of the wound.
"That looks serious!" Hermione said with shock.
"Lupin!" Kingsley said. "Get that taken care of as soon as possible, don't neglect it!"
Remus ignored their reactions, putting his robe back down to cover it and continued with his story, "The hit knocked me off my broom, I was free-falling…"
Hermione turned white at that, covering her mouth with her hands. Remus knew it was a fear of hers, preventing her from being a decent flier.
"Jesus Christ, Lupin!" Kingsley exclaimed with shock.
"Snape… He let you fall?" Harry asked so quietly.
Remus' heart broke at that, because Severus did. He was chasing him, then that was it. It was nothing but wind and sky and not knowing what was up and what was down. The only thing that kept Remus from panicking was the handle of the broom gripped tightly still in his hand and his wand gripped tightly in the other. His only lifelines, not Severus who only watched, who was okay with him dying in that horrible way, and Remus couldn't admit that to Harry, it was heartbreaking, it was hard to process and all he could do was force out a tiny nod.
Now it was Remus not looking at his son as he spoke, "I lost track of them after that… Luckily I still had my broom, it took everything I had to get back on it and fly as fast I could after George. We're both lucky to be alive…George especially. I got him just in time and he lost a lot of blood. It was hard to keep him sitting up with me on my broom as I flew towards our safe house."
It was silent after that, except for the few times Kingsley told Remus to go inside and get that wound taken care of. Remus stubbornly refused, saying Molly already had her hands full with George, she needed to focus on him and once everyone was safely back, then he would go inside and get it checked.
Arthur and Fred were next. The first thing they noticed were Remus' bloody robes, leaving Remus no choice but to tell them about George. They bolted to the Burrow before Remus could even finish telling them what happened, Arthur angrily refusing to go along with Kingsley's identity verification questions.
Kingsley glared at Remus, "You couldn't wait till after, Lupin?"
Remus shrugged, "I wasn't going to withhold it from them… Besides, I think their reaction was confirmation enough."
Then after that there was a long wait for the next pair to arrive. Remus watched the skies and the fields with Kingsley mostly in silence, ignoring the throbbing pain in his side, trying to focus on that instead of thinking of Severus watching him fall to his death. Remus begged to the heavens to make Tonks and Ron appear. Earlier their portkey had been found hidden in the grass. They had missed it. Where were they? Had they even made it to their safe-house?
Harry, who had previously been called back inside the Burrow by Hagrid, came back out to join them again, this time accompanied by Ginny. To Remus' surprise, they were holding hands. Remus raised an eyebrow at the sight, but didn't call it to attention. He just wanted to reach out and hug his son close, just to feel that Harry was really okay, that he was alright and safe here at the Burrow again after a long summer apart. That none of this had been some sort of dream. That despite everything that was going wrong tonight, Harry was really here. But Remus was afraid to even touch him, not bearing the thought of Harry flinching away from him again, not sure where they stood just now.
Time ticked away, the air began to grow colder. The crickets and the occasional hooting of an owl were the only sounds around them. Hermione came back out not long after Harry and Ginny's appearance. Everyone was silent, waiting, just waiting until finally, finally that silence was broken.
It was Ron and Tonks who finally appeared, but of course not with their missed portkey. They flew through the night sky on brooms. Tonks' speed was too fast for a smooth landing, causing her to skid to the ground, sliding and falling, sending a cloud of dust and pebbles everywhere.
"Dora!" Remus rushed over to her, falling to the floor besides her in the dirt and holding her tight. The relief in him was washing over him so strongly that Remus began kissing her face, his hands on her swollen belly. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? Is the baby okay?! What took you so long!"
"Remus, Remus, I'm fine!" Tonks protested under his hovering affection. "We're fine! I told you I had things handled. And Ron, he was brilliant flying up there in the skies! You had nothing to worry about."
Remus looked up, searching for Ron and finding him coming out of a fierce hug from both Harry and Hermione. Hermione heard Tonks' praise and spoke to Ron, praising him as well, then the two began to argue. Remus huffed out with amusement then caught Harry looking at Remus and Tonks holding each other on the ground still. Remus wondered what he was thinking because Harry looked away quickly when he noticed Remus staring at him back, returning his attention back to his bickering friends.
Once their excitement of their returning friends died down, they all continued to wait again for the others, joined this time by Tonks and Ron. Arthur, who had heard the commotion, came out to join them. Bill and Fleur were still missing, and Moody and Mundungus. They waited in silence again, their laughter now just echoes in the night air. They waited until Kingsley had to go. They waited until Bill and Fleur finally appeared on their Thestral, breaking the silence. And once Bill and Fleur passed on the most horrific news, they all realized they had no one else to wait for anymore.
Everyone was stunned not into worry silence, but one filled with shock and grief and horror this time. Alastor Moody was dead and Mundungus fled. Was he the traitor they were searching amongst each other for? Or was he really just that cowardly?
As Bill told them what happened, it was Remus who held Tonks as she crumpled back down to the floor in tears, this time from the heavy weight of her grief and shock at the news of her mentor's death.
"It was Snape," Bill explained.
Again that name… Why is it always that name?
"Snape ganged up on Alastor with Malfoy, they got him right in the heart and he fell. Mundungus Apparated immediately."
Remus forced himself to not show his reaction to that, not with a sobbing Tonks in his arms, but he saw Harry's. Remus saw Harry seize up from it, saw the agony that passed so quickly on his face then hid it before anyone saw. Bill would never know just how much his explanation of Severus being partly responsible in what led to Moody's death destroyed a piece of Harry inside, but Remus knew. He saw it, he felt it, and recognized it as his own pain.
And every single little doubt Remus still had of Severus possibly being undercover, any little flames of hope of Severus still being on their side, even after he killed Dumbledore…even after that… But now this, another murder on Severus' hands and the near-murder of George and Remus himself… All of it, the flicker of hope, that tiny flame went out. Severus saw Remus fall and only watched or he must've just flown away with the Death Eaters, completely not caring at all if Remus died that way or not. It crushed Remus inside, so painful and hard that he suddenly felt like crumbling to tears alongside Tonks, but he didn't, he couldn't allow himself to break anymore. Instead he just kept holding Tonks. Instead he kept his focus on his son.
"Cub," Remus called out to Harry, knowing the mind of his son, knowing the turmoil this was causing in him, knowing in some way he was blaming himself for all of this, George's injury and Moody's death. But Harry ignored him, walking back to the Burrow with Ginny, leaving Remus alone with a crying Tonks in his arms.
They all drank a toast to Alastor Moody, then discussed the reason for Mundungus fleeing and getting Moody killed. In the end, they've all decided it was nothing but pure panic, he wasn't the traitor. That was the real question they argued over, who was it? There had to be, because how did the Death Eaters figure out the date Harry was to be moved out of Privet Drive?
And all of the incidents Severus was involved in tonight during the battle, Remus just couldn't get it out of his head. A painful reminder to everything that had been lost between them. It was like the confirmation of it, the reality of it tonight was sealed with no more room for doubt. It was a knife repeatedly stabbing itself in Remus' heart over and over and over again.
Why did Severus confund this plan into Mundungus? Why give them a well-thought out plan, yet leave out two very important things? The date to move Harry and what Order member was the real Harry going to be paired up with, the two most important parts that would make it more difficult for Severus and the Death Eaters to get Harry when they ambushed them. Why make it more difficult for themselves? Maybe it didn't matter to them since they'd figured those things out anyway… At first Remus hoped this plan was a sign of his Severus actually still there behind that Death Eater, but now, now he found himself wondering if Severus only gave them this plan because it gave the Order the upperhand of surprise only to make them feel safe enough to use it.
Remus sighed out with frustration at his running thoughts. What was the point to all of this? None of it made sense. Was Severus a traitor or was he possibly still undercover? Perhaps Severus just wanted to give them a bit of hope for that possibility then betray them again, flaunting his real loyalties to Voldemort again to the Order. After everything that happened tonight, that idea wasn't so hard for Remus to believe.
While Remus had been stuck pondering over Severus' loyalties and actions tonight, Harry's argument with Bill and Fleur about there being a traitor among the Order bought Remus out of his head.
"Harry, think about it, we were all fooled by Snape when we thought he was on our side. And look how that turned out, it shows that we must be more careful with who we trust. We may believe that no one could ever betray us, but this happens. It happened with Peter Pettigrew, it happened again with Snape…" Bill argued with Harry.
Remus saw Harry's flinch when Severus' name was mentioned each time. And he hated to admit it, but Remus understood what Bill was saying. They've already had two traitors now. They had to be more careful with their information. Even if Harry was right and there wasn't a third traitor, the Order still had to be on the alert. And Harry not even wanting to consider that, not wanting to believe that anyone in this room could betray him, well…Remus hated to admit that Harry was projecting James…
Blind trust for his friends and everyone in the Order, that got James killed and it could get Harry killed too, whose trust for his friends was as powerful as James' trust had been. And the fact that this kind of trust was only for Harry's friends and not the people he could call his guardians or parents… The loss of that hit Remus. He wished Harry could trust him like that. Harry was supposed to trust Severus like that, and Remus wished Harry could trust even Molly like that… Remus had noticed Harry flinching from her sometimes, he'd had his moments of closing up from her and he was always going to struggle just because Harry called Remus papa, just because Molly must be seen as a mother figure to Harry. They were always going to struggle… That really was a blow to Remus, but not surprising, just an ugly reminder to what was lost in Harry. Those Dursleys really did take so much from Harry, and Severus sealed that loss forever in Harry ever fully trusting anyone as a guardian or parent again…
But maybe that was for the best.
Maybe just for right now, during the war, maybe it was best for Harry's wall to be back up. Maybe it was better for him to remain cautious… Remus hated those thoughts, but it may just keep Harry protected if he should ever find himself face to face with Severus again and Remus wasn't there to protect him.
Harry was rubbing at his scar with frustration again as he suddenly looked at Remus. "What?!" he snapped at him. "Do you think I'm being stupid for not believing anyone of the Order could betray us tonight as well?"
Remus kept his voice calm. "No, I'm just thinking how you are being so much like James right now. He always had that very powerful trust for his friends and the thought of ever mistrusting them, it was like the greatest dishonor to them. That kind of trust can be blinding, Harry. Although it's wonderful to have such relationships, but for right now that could be dangerous…"
Harry hated that answer, he scowled at Remus with annoyance. It was the exact same scowl Severus would often do.
Seeing that, Remus quickly stood up. He didn't want to start another argument between them. It seemed as if he were just saying and doing all the wrong things tonight with Harry, and unable to stand this anymore between them, not wanting to argue nor having the strength for it, Remus volunteered with Arthur to search for Moody's body, leaving the Burrow before Harry could say anything else to him.
Harry watched Remus leave with anger and annoyance coursing through him, but he couldn't really blame Remus for leaving. Harry knew he was being difficult and taking his frustrations out on Remus, and he didn't know why. He didn't know why he was like this, so messed up and acting like a brat, and as soon as Remus stormed out of the Burrow, Harry felt an immense amount of guilt that threatened to swallow him whole. Guilt for annoying Remus enough to make him leave, guilt for the Order having to go through all of this just to get him here, guilt for Mad-Eye's death and George being seriously hurt…
And the only thing he was doing to repay them was arguing with them and sitting here in their presence, putting them into more danger. Harry being here at the Burrow only made them bigger targets to Voldemort and his Death Eaters.
Everyone continued to talk, drinking another round of firewhiskey for Mad-Eye, all retelling their parts in the mission, this time with a bit more dramatic flair and excitement. Harry was silent, he just wanted Remus to come back. He never wanted him to leave, and he didn't know how to express that, was too shy to voice it, but he could voice another reason for his guilt… Mad-Eye's death and George's lost ear. George was so lucky to be alive, and so was Remus who almost died saving him… In fact they were lucky that there were no more serious injuries or deaths tonight… The thought of that, it only made Harry feel worse and he suddenly found himself telling everyone that he had to go… He had to go, he couldn't stay here and put them in any more danger. He couldn't stay!
But he was met by tired protests from all of them. They weren't going to let him leave, that was soon made very clear to Harry, causing him to feel more annoyed and guilty, and once the attention was off of Harry, it was back to Fred and George making jokes about his missing ear, trying to get a laugh from Ginny. Mrs. Weasley had given Harry a comforting pat on the shoulder as she passed him on her way to the kitchen with Tonks who'd started silently crying again. Harry stiffened from her touch, not meeting her worried gaze. Ron and Hermione were sitting near each other, exchanging their annoying silent looks. Bill and Fleur were quietly talking to each other by the fireplace. Hagrid was sitting on what was left of the chair he broke earlier, nursing a third glass of firewhiskey. Seeing that everyone was now preoccupied, Harry made his escape outside.
He just needed to be alone, to think, to breathe, to process this whole bloody night, to stop feeling guilty for everything that went wrong, to stop missing Severus… Because through all of it, during the battle as he and Hagrid fought for their lives, as he tried his hardest to stay on Sirius' motorbike, as he found himself face to face with Voldemort, Harry had been terrified, but he kept thinking of Severus. If things had been different, if Severus had never betrayed him, what would he think of the plan the Order used, would Severus had made sure Harry stuck by him or Remus instead of Hagrid? Would he have scolded Harry like Remus had done for disarming Stan and giving away his position? Or would he agree with Harry? Would he have been proud of the way Harry fought tonight? Would he have been so rough in checking Harry's identity like Remus had? Would they be fighting like he and Remus were currently doing?
Harry understood why Remus reacted that way. The Death Eaters had been waiting for them, they were on to them right from the start, meaning a traitor had been on Remus' mind. He made Harry check him too, and Harry understood, but it didn't stop him from feeling triggered by the sudden rough handling. Because for a moment there when Remus had seized him, for a moment Harry was transported back to Privet Drive as if leaving that place for good had all been some sort of dream… Being slammed against a wall by Remus, Harry could feel his uncle's phantom hands wrapping around his neck and he felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming along, but Harry forced himself to focus on the present, kept saying to himself it was Remus, Remus, Remus, to shake away his uncle. The last thing he needed was to lose his mind in front of Mrs. Weasley and Ginny who'd been attending to George at the time.
Harry's scar suddenly sent out a sharp twinge, causing him to slap his hand to his forehead. It had been bothering him all night, especially when Voldemort had been near him. It burned so fiercely at that moment. It had taken a great amount of effort for Harry to stay focused on dueling and staying on the motorbike during the battle.
He massaged his forehead, hoping it would help lessen the pain a bit but it just continued to burn and burn, resulting in a headache.
Voldemort was angry, Harry could feel it, perhaps that was why he was feeling so angry himself. It was clear why the dark wizard was angry, but Harry wondered who he was taking his anger out on, and unexpected and unwanted worry for Severus and Draco blossomed inside of him, but Harry pushed it away, not wanting it because he wasn't supposed to care about them anymore. They chose the side they wanted to be on and it wasn't with him. And for Severus, it wasn't with Remus as well.
Harry was starting to worry about his scar, it didn't really bother him like this. It was always just a few twinges every now and then during the summer, but now it was just constant pain and emotions that weren't his own. Maybe this was happening more because he stopped practicing Occlumency and Voldemort was so close to him tonight, but Harry refused to close his mind before bed or even perform Occlumnecy to protect his mind when he was feeling like this. He figured this could be a way to help by seeing what Voldemort was doing or know what he was feeling. It was something he could contribute to the Order, a contribution no one else could do, and the thought of that, it helped soothe Harry's guilt for the Order and his friends sacrificing their safety and their lives for him.
"Harry, are you alright?"
It was Ginny. Harry could feel her behind him. The scent of her flowery shampoo wafting past him, and this time the butterflies he always felt around her was paired with his guilt for breaking up with her. He wondered if she was still upset with him over it; she didn't seem to be earlier while they were waiting for the Order members to arrive from their safehouses. She had taken his hand and held it, and Harry allowed her to.
Harry pulled his hands away from his forehead. "Yeah, I just have a headache."
"I bet mom has some Pepper-up Potion for that, want me to get it for you?"
"No, I'm okay, thanks though…"
Ginny sat next to him, her brown eyes full of concern were studying him. "You know they are right. It really makes no sense for you to just leave. Where would you go? We're just going to have to end up rescuing your dumb butt again."
At that, Harry laughed, "Yeah, you're right, and like what George said to me, what about his bleeding ear?"
Ginny rolled her eyes and her smile was sad, "I don't know how he could joke about it already. He lost an ear."
"I think it's his way of coping," Harry said. "Fred's too."
"Harry, it doesn't matter if you are here or not, we're all in danger, and it won't stop until the war is really over. It's more than us fighting for you, we are fighting with you. None of us are thinking that you are the cause of all this."
Harry only looked on ahead as she spoke, hoping the figures of Remus and Mr. Weasley would appear, but it was in vain hope. He knew they hadn't been gone long enough for them to come back yet. He then looked at Ginny, "Are you calling me a selfish prat?" he asked, maybe he could take a leaf out of the twins' book and try to joke to lighten the mood.
"Yes, you're being the biggest self-centered prat I've ever seen!" Ginny laughed.
Her laughter, Harry had forgotten how beautiful it was to hear it, didn't realize how much he missed hearing it until now. And the fact that she was finally here next to him after missing her all summer… It was the one bright thing during this wretched night.
And then her hand in was in his again and suddenly Harry was okay with the idea of staying just for a little while more… Harry wasn't even sure who initiated the contact. Maybe it was he who grabbed her hand because Ginny's chocolate-brown eyes were suddenly looking into his own and he could suddenly see the pain he caused her.
More guilt washed over Harry because even though she'd only meant it as a joke, Ginny was right… The way he had treated Remus tonight, the way he just wanted to leave after everything the Order went through to get him here… The least Harry could do was stay… With all of that going on in his head, he didn't let it show, Harry just shouldered Ginny with an offended look, causing her to laugh.
Her laugh…and Harry felt so bad for silencing it, for making her cry in June… "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Ginny, I didn't want to break up with you." He really felt like a twat for saying that.
Ginny quickly looked away, the humor between them instantly gone.
I am a fucking twat!
Because Harry suspected that she was just trying to hide her sudden tears at what he said.
"You're just being a noble prat is all… Maybe after the war… You said after we can try again. I'm holding you to that promise."
"I really was happy with you, Ginny, you make me happy," was all Harry could think of to say.
"I was happy too, Harry, but right now, you're right… We have to fight for us first."
The silence grew between them, heavy yet comfortable until Harry broke it.
"So, I'm a noble and selfish prat, just to be clear now? Let's add twat to the list as well."
Ginny laughed again and Harry instantly knew how much he was going to miss her once he, Ron and Hermione set off to start Dumbledore's mission. It was a constant and restless itch, and finally being out of Privet Drive and here at the Burrow but still not allowed to leave just yet, it did nothing to soothe it. But he'll stay, Harry told everyone inside that he was. He told Ginny he wasn't leaving. He told himself that he'll stay at the Burrow for just a little while longer…at least until he, Ron and Hermione were ready.
"Yes, you are very much so," Ginny said happily.
She left not long after that, called in by her mother who needed her assistance with something.
As soon as the door closed behind Ginny, that was when it happened. The pain in Harry's scar suddenly started growing and growing more intense, until it started becoming unbearable, until he found himself smashing his teeth together, closing his eyes shut, his hands holding his forehead and rubbing at his scar. Harry suddenly felt sick as if he were about to either pass out or throw up or maybe both. His breathing became heavy and fast, and he tried his best not to shout out.
The vision was over as soon as it started, leaving Harry gasping for breath from shock and pain and fear. He took deep, slow breaths, trying to calm himself down, trying to shut down his mind so he won't have to see anymore or feel any more emotions that weren't his. Harry didn't want to create a scene, didn't want anyone to hear him and come out.
He thought of his dads; before that horrible night happened. Before Severus Snape was only dad to him, and how happy Harry had been becoming. He thought of that boy he was instead of this broken mess that he was again. He focused on that happy feeling he had in his grasp for what only felt like a second before it slipped through his fingers. With rattling breaths, Harry remembered it and it hurt, he wondered if he could ever be that kind of happy again, but still, he remembered it and after a while his heavy breaths began to ease.
Just as Harry had wiped his face with his sleeve, once he was feeling just a bit okay again yet still shaken from what he saw, Hermione came out onto the porch.
"Why are you out here, Harry? I hope you're not having any more ideas about leaving. We aren't ready yet. It would be stupid of us to go right now, we need a proper plan!" Hermione scolded, sounding very much like Mrs. Weasley when she scolded her own children.
"I wasn't leaving, I just needed air," Harry said, trying not to sound too annoyed with her.
Hermione was silent, watching him, most likely taking in the state of him. She sat down next to him. "You're white as a ghost, what happened?"
Harry told her the vision he just had.
"Harry, you need to close your mind against him! Just because Snape isn't around anymore to help you with Occlumency, doesn't mean you get to stop. You can't let this connection between you and Voldemort form again, it's too dangerous!"
"I know," was all Harry said, still having too much of a headache to argue with Hermione. He rubbed at his scar again, thinking perhaps he should ask Mrs. Weasley for some Pepper-up Potion as he then followed Hermione back inside the Burrow.
Harry slept in Percy's room. He hadn't wanted to. He wanted to sleep in Ron's room but Mrs. Weasley insisted on it as soon as she saw how pale he looked when he asked her for the Pepper-up Potion.
"I just want you to get some rest tonight, dear, you can join Ron tomorrow night if you're feeling better."
Harry agreed, allowing Mrs. Weasley to coddle him, seeing how it made her feel a bit better to be needed by him. It was the least Harry could do after what happened to George.
Harry tried his best to stay up as long as he could, even though he promised Mrs. Weasley that he'll go straight to sleep. She came in once not long after he had settled into bed to check on him. He had closed his eyes and pretended he was asleep until she left. Harry was waiting for Remus to return, wondering if they had found Mad-Eye yet. The guilt of the Auror's death was still heavy on his mind. And tonight was only the beginning, more things like this were of course going to happen, and Harry didn't want anyone from the Order or any of the Weasleys and his friends sacrificing their lives anymore for him. He had to talk to Hermione and Ron as soon as possible and start preparing to leave. As much as he promised to stay, it wasn't going to be a long one.
Harry's thoughts then led to his wand. He picked it up from the nightstand, it looked the same as it always had. He gripped it tightly in his hand. During the battle, Harry left this part out when he was retelling his story to everyone, his wand acted funny and he wondered why. He wondered if Severus would have known anything about wands acting on their own accord, then he forced the thought of Severus out of his mind. Harry had to stop thinking about him and what he would have done tonight, how he would have reacted… But back to his wand…it moved itself towards Voldemort and shot its own spell creating Priori Incantatem again. According to what Harry saw in his vision, that wasn't his own wand Voldemort was using. It had been Malfoy's, so Priori Incantatem should not have happened. That was why Voldemort was so angry, Harry realized as he replayed the vision over and over again in his head of Ollivander being questioned and tortured by Voldemort.
Then unable to think about it anymore, unable to see Olivander broken and bloodied and afraid, unable to hear Voldemort's voice in his head, the fear it caused in Harry… And Severus… Severus still lingering on the edge of his mind… Harry couldn't bear it all anymore… He pulled out the paper clip he had stuffed in his pocket before leaving Privet Drive, a bit surprised that it was still there and hadn't fallen out during the battle in the night sky.
And wanting to feel that pain that was hurting him so deeply inside, pain that was trapped and needed release, Harry had no hesitation this time. He was desperate. He scraped the pointed part of the paper clip against the mottled skin on his left arm until he bled, until Harry's thoughts turned into a slow murmur, until they became nothing but drops of his blood, until he began to feel heavy and dull, and Severus no longer lingered… And before Harry knew it, he was drifting off to sleep.