Chapter Nine - Who Was That?
Remus appeared right at the border of the Weasley's wards. He stepped through them, feeling the warm buzz of them accepting him through. He could just see the Burrow in the distance, the lights still on, a small yellow glow in the middle of dark fields. They were most likely waiting for him to return, but Remus couldn't relieve them of their waiting just yet. His entire body was shaking hard, aggravating the untended wound in his side. Pressing a hand to it, he felt the tacky drying blood coating his fingers. He was wiping it off with his robe when hot tears started running down his face with no warning at all, causing his throat to ache furiously from the sob he was suddenly holding inside.
Remus didn't know what to do, anger was rising over him fast and so fierce, washing over not only his entire body but also blocking out his senses. He couldn't see. There was a ringing in his ear. He couldn't think. Remus stepped back, blindly feeling for the trunk of a tree behind him, and when he found it he slid down against it to the leaf-covered floor, pressing the palms of his hands tightly against his mouth and suddenly he screamed into them.
Remus screamed and he screamed, guttural screams with angry tears running down into his hands, streaming around his fingers and falling to the floor. They landed on the crushed leaves around him. Remus really thought he could see him again and he would be alright. He knew there was a really big chance of seeing Severus tonight during the mission, he knew, but he forced himself not to think about it, to just focus on the mission, focus on keeping Harry safe. That was way more important than anything.
But seeing Severus there on the opposite side, seeing him lead the Death Eaters into ambushing the Order of the Phoenix, seeing him as the enemy, dueling with him as the enemy… Seeing him try to go after Harry… And how he chased Remus, allowing the Death Eaters to knock him off his broom, watching Remus fall to his death…
And Harry's question burned in Remus' memory… He let you fall? Yes, yes, he did let me fall… More hot angry tears streamed down his face along with another sob behind his hands. Remus squeezed his eyes tight, bearing the pain of it all coming out.
In that alleyway, the way Severus had spoken to Remus.
Who was that? Who was that?
Had that really been the real Severus he'd been hiding from everyone? From Remus and Harry all along? Is that the Severus Snape Remus really kissed? Had held? Had laughed with? Had shared so many morning coffees with? Had shared his bed with? Had talked to him, opened up all of his past scars to, told him things that Remus would never feel comfortable enough to tell anyone else not even Harry… And Harry, was that the very person Remus had tried to co-parent Harry with? The very man Harry began to see as his dad?
Who the fuck was that tonight?!
And after everything!
After everything, Severus dared to say Remus' name like that, sounding as if he'd never done any of that horrible stuff. As if Severus had never ripped Remus to pieces and stomped on them for good measure! He whispered Remus' name as if they were just hanging out in one of their quarters with the room filled with the scent of freshly brewed coffee and the scents of fresh ink and parchment as they graded stacks of student essays on the coffee table. The taste of biscuits and coffee in Severus' mouth everytime Remus would kiss him.
It all just made Remus so angry and hurt that Severus could just do that without any remorse, without a care in the world while Remus was just dying inside! As if Severus could just turn off his feelings for Remus whenever he needed to!
And what about Harry?
What about their kid?
Didn't Severus feel anything when he saw Harry fighting for his life tonight? Or did he just turn off everything between him and Harry as well? Could Severus really be just that cruel? That soulless and heartless and evil?!
And hearing his name spoken like that, Remus knew he had to get himself away from Severus, far away. He couldn't be anywhere near that stranger who wore his boyfriend's face, who froze the warmth and love that Remus had once seen in those dark eyes.
What was Severus playing at? Did he think this was entertaining? A sick game to see how badly he could hurt Remus? Was this all some sort of bet to make Remus fall in love with him and then shatter him beyond repair, to rub it in his face just to see how far he could go until Remus would be utterly destroyed? Why couldn't he just stop? Why was Severus doing this? Was all of this payback for the way Remus' friends bullied Severus when they were kids? For Sirius almost getting Severus killed on a night of a full-moon during their sixth year? For James humiliating Severus in front of everyone during the end of their fifth year? For Lily choosing James over Severus after their friendship fell apart? For Remus always hiding behind his friends and never stopping them, never sticking up for Severus? According to Severus, Remus had been one of the worst bullies among them for always doing nothing.
But they had talked about all of it. They had talked about it! And Severus had even admitted that he wasn't all that innocent back then…
More tears ran down Remus' face. Another bout of anger ripped through him again. None of it mattered anymore. It was all in the past and Remus had been sorry for it and he regretted it. And if he could go back in time and change things, he would. What else did Severus want from him? Why was Remus still getting punished for his and his friends' crimes against Severus? Why couldn't Severus just let his grudges go instead of allowing them to sit and fester into poison and hatred and spite inside of him? Remus never saw this sort of darkness in Severus when they had been together. Why didn't he see it?
Remus could still feel Severus standing so close to him. He could still see those dark eyes avoiding Remus' gaze, unable to look at him…
Why was that? Remus wondered.
Why didn't Severus have the courage to look Remus in the eye after everything he'd done? The malicious curl to his lips as he taunted Remus to attack him. Remus had tried to look for his Severus in that stranger standing before him, tried to see if by some miracle this was all just a performance and his Severus was still hidden underneath that Death Eater act, but Remus couldn't find him. He couldn't find his boyfriend in those cold, cruel eyes that wouldn't look at him, and Remus began to lose hope that his Severus had never been real in the first place. That the Severus Remus had fallen in love with had been the performance, the mask Severus Snape wore all along. That was what he feared most. It wasn't the first time Remus thought of it, then doubted it, then thought of it again. It was a vicious cycle that his thoughts and his heart were stuck in, always leaving him feeling so dirty and used and stupid for hoping.
Remus pressed his hands tighter against his mouth and let out another painful cry, whimpering from the wound in his side being aggravated again from his shaking body and the severe strain of his vocal cords from screaming. He ignored the pain as best as he could, because the pain inside was so much worse, so much worse that he didn't know how to deal with it, didn't know how to make it go away and all he could do was just let it flow out of him until he couldn't utter a single sound anymore. And along with the terrible pain, came the self-loathing and feeling so utterly pathetic. He wasn't supposed to cry over Severus like this anymore. Remus promised himself he wouldn't, but it still kept happening, and that made him angrier for allowing himself to fall apart like this for a Death Eater… Remus didn't think he could take this hell anymore…didn't think he could take another encounter with Severus like that again. Remus was suddenly determined to make sure they didn't have another encounter like that again in the future.
In the distance the door of the Burrow opened, and Remus could see a small figure looking out at the edges of the wards. It had to be Molly or Arthur, they must've felt Remus step through and were most likely wondering why he hadn't arrived at their door yet. He couldn't let them find him here like this so Remus wiped away his tears then forced himself to stand back up, dusting off the dirt from his robes which were bloody and torn and still full of Severus' scent. Remus angrily shouldered them off, bunching them into a ball and throwing them to the floor. He raised his wand to them, banishing them away forever out of sight.
.
.
Moments later Remus stepped inside the Burrow to find Molly, Arthur, Tonks and Bill, and Kingsley who had returned, in the kitchen. Hagrid and Fleur had gone, and all the kids were all most likely in bed.
Molly was the first one to see Remus. "Remus, there you are! Good gracious, we were starting to worry. Was there any sign of Moody? You sent Arthur back without you."
"Lupin," Kingsley frowned. "You know the rules, when you're on a mission you stick with your partner."
Remus shook his head, "I'm sorry, I know," he told Kingsley, then added, "I didn't find him."
He felt like a failure, seeing everyone deflate from the news. Remus' eyes then landed on Tonks who was sitting at the table with a cup of tea in her hands. Her face was so pale and tear-streaked. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot from crying. Remus felt his heart break for her. He went to Tonks, kneeling before her. "Dora… Oh, Dora, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't find him."
At Remus' words, more tears trailed down Tonks' cheeks, tracing the path of the previous ones that had fallen. For once Tonks' hair wasn't a vibrant color, it was mousy-brown. Tonks once told Remus how she hated it because it was so dull, it didn't match who she was at all. Her eyes were brown and soft, so much like Andromeda's eyes, like her mother's. A softer, gentler version compared to Bellatrix's. Remus wondered if their growing baby in Tonk's belly would have those eyes. He hoped for it. They were beautiful. Remus pulled Tonks into a hug as she suddenly began to sob. Being there for his grieving friend, holding Tonks, it helped Remus to forget about his own troubles for once. It was nice, but he hated the cost of his momentary peace.
Everyone in the kitchen was silent as they watched Remus comfort Tonks, her grief-filled cries was the only sound that filled the Burrow.
After a few minutes, Kingsley was the first to speak. "Bill, come with me. We'll do another search for Alastor."
Bill nodded, stepping towards the door. "Of course."
"Do be careful out there, please," Molly insisted with a worried frown.
Bill hugged his mom to reassure her. Remus couldn't blame her for worrying, she almost lost one of her sons tonight. With Percy still acting estranged and Charlie still absent due to trailing after Greyback and Rowan; they hadn't seen him in so long besides Bill. Remus couldn't blame Molly at all.
"Is there anything I can do?" Remus asked with a broken-hearted Tonks in his arms. He wanted to be useful, he needed to do something.
Kingsley shook his head, his voice sounding exhausted and defeated. "There's not much we can do, Remus." Then he said to everyone in the room, "Despite our loss, the mission was still successful, we got Potter here safely. Let's focus on that, yeah? There'll be a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss everything… Remus, there is actually one thing you can do. After the meeting, you can go to Charlie and update him on everything, check to see if he's doing okay and if he needs anything. Arthur, if you want you can go with him. That way you can update Molly on how he's faring." Kingsley's eyes then went back to Remus, catching the wound on his side. "Take care of that," he only said.
Molly turned to Remus to see what Kingsley meant then gasped, "Remus!" She then summoned the first-aid kit.
After Kingsley and Bill left, and Remus' wound was finally patched up and Molly was done scolding him for neglecting it, she made a second round of tea for everyone. They mostly sat in silence, sipping their drinks, occasionally going over the events of the mission. Occasionally bringing up Moody, his loss, the way he went down fighting. It was how he would want to go, they all knew that. It was a death fit for a warrior.
Tonks finally stopped sobbing enough to pull away from Remus and drink a bit of her tea. Remus reached out and wiped the last of her tears away from her cheek. Her brown eyes were no longer her natural brown, but a deep blue.
"I'm sorry for crying all over you, Remus, I was trying to stop but when I saw you come in…" More tears fell and Remus didn't say anything, he just wiped them away again and kissed her temple. Her hair tickled his nose a bit and Remus wished Tonks could change the color. She was right, this mousy-brown didn't match her personality at all. Remus wanted her color back. He couldn't bear to watch his best friend dim out like this.
"It's okay to have a good cry, Tonks, don't you apologize. He was your mentor, a great loss to you," Molly consoled, reaching out and patting Tonks' shoulder.
Remus wished he had something comforting to say to Tonks as well, but he couldn't think of anything.
"After the meeting I can take Fred and search again if Bill and Kingsley still hadn't found anything by now. Alastor deserves a proper burial. Remus, I trust that you'll be okay finding Charlie tomorrow on your own?" Arthur asked.
Remus nodded, "I'll give him your best."
"I'll go with you, Remus," Tonks said. "I don't want Kingsley chewing you out again for doing a mission alone."
"You don't have to…" Remus started to say. "You should rest."
"I'm okay, I want to see how Charlie's doing and it'll take my mind off things."
Remus didn't have any argument for that so he just nodded his agreement. "I'll give Charlie your best," he said to the Weasleys.
"Thank you, Remus, really," Arthur said with worry for his second oldest son.
"Charlie's been following the werewolves for so long, I worry about him being out there alone," Molly added.
Bill and Tonks were supposed to be rotating with Charlie, but because of the mission of getting Harry out of Privet Drive, after their loss tonight, who knows how long Charlie would be relieved from his watch. Maybe it was time for Remus to take over. Tonks was starting to show and he didn't want her so near the werewolves now and Bill was getting married, it wouldn't be fair to him and Fleur to disappear on a mission so soon after their wedding. It was just one thing that prevented Remus from suggesting that he take over, Harry. He couldn't leave Harry just yet.
"We'll keep searching for Alastor, Tonks, we owe him that much," Arthur continued.
Tonks could only nod to Arthur, too choked up to speak anymore.
"Dear, why don't you sleep out on our sofa?" Molly offered. "I'm sorry all the beds and rooms are taken at the moment, but I'm just worried about you being alone tonight."
Tonks only nodded her agreement, drinking more of her tea.
Arthur stood up from his chair and placed his empty teacup in the sink. "I'll make up the sofa. Remus, come help me?"
Remus nodded, then looked to Tonks. "I'll be back," was all he said, placing another kiss on her forehead this time.
Arthur was pulling out some extra blankets from a cabinet when Remus followed him into the living room.
"You can spend the night here as well, Remus, we gave Harry Percy's room. You can bunk with him if you don't want to sleep on the floor in here."
Remus laid some pillows over the sheets for Tonks, then moved the coffee table with a flick of his wand to make up a bed for himself on the rug.
"I'll sleep out here. I don't want to intrude on his privacy. Harry may not want to see me. He found out about me and Tonks before I could even talk to him about it myself…and I sort of left him on a bad note between us tonight."
Arthur casted a Cushioning Charm on the rug then added some blankets.
Remus threw some pillows down.
"Don't let that fester between you, Remus, fix it now before it's too late to do so. Trust me when I say that life is already short enough without this war threatening us to make it shorter. Look at what happened to Alastor tonight. He was here with us just a few hours ago, and now…" Arthur sighed out with grief.
Remus just stood there and listened, a pillow in his hand.
"Percy was here with us, and then suddenly he was leaving and we couldn't stop him. Molly was just so heartbroken. Not speaking to one of her children, she doesn't show it but it kills her everyday and who knows if we may even get tomorrow or even next week to fix things with him. Alastor doesn't even get that anymore… George was so close to the same faith as him and you too, Remus, you almost died tonight, but you didn't and you finally have Harry back. Don't let any misunderstandings tear you apart. Don't wait until one of you doesn't have a tomorrow or a next week to try and fix things… Don't take time for granted, not right now with this war. Your son is more important than that."
Remus knew everything that Arthur had just said to him was completely right.
He almost died tonight. He almost died and what if he had? What if he had fallen to the ground before he and Harry could ever fix things? Then Harry would be stuck living with the guilt for being upset with him at the time. Remus couldn't bear that faith for Harry.
Arthur was right.
One night Remus had fallen asleep in Severus' arms, then he woke up… Remus woke up and everything between him and Severus...everything he thought he knew of Severus…it was gone. It was a lie and Severus was… He was no longer holding Remus anymore… Severus no longer existed, and Remus couldn't fix it nor bring him back… That couldn't happen to him and Harry. Arthur was right, Remus couldn't allow any more days wasted in argument, not with the war. Who knew how many days they had left before the war tore them apart, because Remus hadn't forgotten about the mission Dumbledore had left for Harry.
Remus wondered about it, he wondered when Harry would try to leave for it, if he would take his friends with him or try going alone. Worry settled heavily within Remus. He decided at that moment to take Arthur's advice. No matter how angry Harry was with him right now about Tonks and everything else that happened tonight, they were going to talk about it as soon as possible even if it exploded into a huge argument. Then Remus was going to argue with his cub until it ended, until they were okay again.
"Remus?" Arthur said, bringing Remus back to his thoughts.
Remus looked at him, pillow still in his hands. He set it down on the made-up bed on the floor.
"Sorry, I was just thinking about what you were saying, you're right, I'll talk to him as soon as I can."
Arthur nodded, "I hope so, that was my best advice for you."
Remus smiled softly, but the worry on Arthur's face only grew.
"What is it?"
"Don't wait too long, I think Harry is planning on leaving. Molly suspects that Dumbledore left him a task. She heard Ron and Hermione talking about it, I would think they are going with Harry whether he likes it or not… She's told you about it, yeah?"
"Molly did and she's right, there is a mission. I've asked Harry myself about it and he confirmed it, but he wouldn't tell me anything else. What do you suppose it could be? And should we let them leave? Molly thinks we shouldn't. I almost agree with her, but the last thing Dumbledore told me and Kingsley…" Remus remembered that night. It was after one of those missions in the spring when the Order were looking for Greyback and Rowan. Remus had just returned from a long weekend searching for the werewolves, paired up with Kingsley. They had been standing in Dumbledore's office, giving him their report of pretty much nothing. Remus had been in desperate need of a shower and to find Severus and just kiss him senseless. Then Dumbledore had told him and Kingsley… Trust Harry… He is the only hope we have left… That had stayed in Remus' head for days after…
"To trust Harry… It's just as well that we follow that advice, there may be no stopping them anyway… Remus, Molly told me that after we left to search for Alastor, Harry tried leaving, then he went outside for a while, I'm guessing to be alone, then he came back in looking pale and sick. He might have had a vision or some sort from his scar but he wouldn't talk to her, just asked for Pepper-up Potion and Molly sent him to sleep in Percy's room."
Remus wasn't at all surprised to hear that Harry tried to leave, but he worried about a possible vision and the fact that he wasn't there. He wondered what it was that Harry might've seen tonight. Was it Voldemort's anger over the failed mission? Was Harry able to see Severus through Voldemort's eyes or even what they were doing with Moody's body? Remus shuddered at the thought.
He hated that Harry was linked to Voldemort like that, and a possible vision tonight, it meant he wasn't closing his mind off anymore before bed, and he didn't have Severus anymore to practice Occlumency… Another thing to talk about along with Dumbledore's mission for Harry. Remus was determined for answers, anything would do or he could at least make sure Harry didn't try to do it on his own. Remus wanted that idea out of his head, that the prophecy meant only Harry alone could defeat Voldemort. Remus remembered how much Severus had hated that, and all of the times he argued with Dumbledore and even Harry himself over it. How Severus had tried to protect Harry from the details of the war as much as he possibly could without coddling him. Remus wondered if any of that had been true, that protective instinct Severus had once shown for Harry, had that been true? And if not, then why even bother going through the trouble of faking it?
Remus looked at Arthur again, noticing how tired the red-headed wizard looked. He knew he was telling all this to Remus only out of concern, only out of his own experience of losing a son to the war and nearly losing another tonight. He knew Arthur and Molly saw Harry as one of their own as well and they worried.
"Percy's going to come back home. He's young, he'll see soon enough that family is more important than any job," Remus said, hoping his words might help a bit. "And George is going to be fine, he's safe in his bed now."
"And thank you, Remus, no words can express mine and Molly's gratitude towards you for saving George. If it weren't for you, things would be very different in this house right now."
Remus felt his face warm a bit at the complement. "Don't thank me for that," he insisted. "I know you would've done the same for Harry."
Arthur smiled at that, "Without a moment's thought about it I would've done the same." He patted Remus' shoulder with affection. "Go clean yourself up and check on Harry. Don't worry about Tonks, Molly and I will take care of her."
Remus muttered his appreciation then quietly went up the stairs to the second landing where the restroom and Percy's room was located.
He went inside the restroom first. Remus hated his reflection, he looked so pale and tired and older from everything that happened tonight. His eyes were still flecked with gold even though the wolf inside him had finally quieted down. When Severus had stood so unbearably close to Remus, it had been howling and growling the whole time, wanting control so desperately. It took everything in Remus to remain in control. He especially did not want Severus to see him struggle to keep his humanity. It was peculiar, Remus could feel it as if it were his own feelings, the wolf wanted control, but not to attack or to kill Severus, it was curious. The wolf wanted out so it could play and run and smell all of the scents that tickled its nose. It liked Severus. It never really acted that way before, even when Severus and Remus were together. And Remus simply had no ideas or theories as to why his wolf's sudden strange behavior.
If only there was some type of manual for being a werewolf. Remus would think after being a werewolf his whole life, he would've gotten this down by now. He examined his teeth, noting with relief that the fangs had gone away. At least they were back to normal, Remus didn't think he could bear finding out that the whole time he was speaking to the Weasleys and Tonks that his fangs were still showing. Remus felt his face reddened at the thought of them being out when he was confronting Severus, after all this time, he was still embarrassed to show him the wolfish parts of himself even after Severus' true loyalties were revealed.
Remus began to take off his vest and tie, his shoes and socks, and took out his shrunken rucksack from his pocket, resizing it so he could rummage through it until he found pajamas to change into and his toothbrush.
Remus was nervous to see Harry. He realized it once he was done changing and started stalling by taking his time brushing his teeth, washing up his face and his hands and using the toilet. Then he packed away his things again and stored his rucksack in a cupboard for safe-keeping.
And staring at his reflection again, he looked a little better in his old muggle band t-shirt and flannel pajama pants. Remus took a deep breath and stopped prolonging himself from checking in on Harry. He had to, he was concerned with what Arthur had told him about Harry wanting to leave and his possible vision. And Remus couldn't let the animosity between them grow any bigger. He and Harry weren't guaranteed a future just now because of this war threatening their lives. They lost Severus already, an important member of their little family unit. They didn't even get a goodbye, just an ugly shock to the core that threatened to tear Remus and Harry apart. They couldn't lose each other like that. Remus had to fix this, it was his job, he was the parent in this.
Time to grow up… Time to be brave…Harry needs me to be a parent… Remus told himself.
And with his mantra in his head, Remus went to Harry's room.
.
.
Remus slowly opened the door and relief suddenly washed over him again to see the evidence of his cub being safe and here at the Burrow, asleep in bed and finally out of Privet Drive for good.
The light in the hallway illuminated the shape of Harry under the covers. Remus couldn't bear to wake him as much as he wanted to talk to him, it was such a long night. He closed the door behind him, stepping inside the room and settling himself on the armchair by an overflowing bookcase, not meaning to stay for very long but as he looked through one of the boringest books he could find in Percy's collection with his wandlight, Remus' eyes started to grow heavier and heavier and the chair suddenly began to feel very comfortable. He guessed all the adrenaline went out of his body as soon as he sat down, and the last thought he had before closing the book on his lap, his wand light going out and falling asleep, was how could Severus have given this up? How could he have pretended to love that sleeping boy then betray him and destroy his trust in the worst possible way? Hurting Remus was one thing, but hurting their kid like that? Remus could never forgive him for it.
Remus' sleep soon became uncomfortable on the chair. He felt like he only closed his eyes for a moment until he was woken up again. Once his blurry sleep-filled vision cleared up, Remus was able to make out the shape of his son sitting up on the bed with his glasses on. It was Harry that must've woken him up, Remus realized as he sat up and stretched, feeling his wound pull a bit underneath its bandage. Since it was caused by a dark curse, it was going to take a while to heal.
"Hi, cub, I just came in to check in on you… I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"It's okay," was all Harry said.
Remus felt the horrible beginning of silence start to settle between them but he stubbornly pushed it away as he flicked his wand to the lantern on the desk, lighting up the room a bit. "Look, Harry, I'm sorry for tonight… For being rough with you and scaring you, and not siding with you during your argument with Bill and Fleur. I actually admire the strength of your trust towards your friends and the Order, I didn't mean to make it as if it were a bad thing."
Harry looked down, running a hand through his hair, his voice ridden with anxiety. "Don't… You were just being careful, you were just making sure I was me… You're right… I have to be more careful…"
"I was being careful but I still scared you. I know I triggered you… Cub, I'm so sorry for that," Remus said, remembering the fear and shock in Harry's eyes, the way he shook after. Harry had seen his uncle in Remus, and Remus not only hated that, but it killed him inside.
"Yeah, but I'm okay now… And I should apologize to you too, Remus… I should trust you, I shouldn't have gotten scared like that, but I can't trust as much as I should anymore, as much as I want to… I don't know why it's so hard…and I was there or I was on my way there to that level of trust with you…but Sev…Snape…he destroyed everything!"
Remus frowned as he heard the hitch of breath in Harry's voice, the way it cracked with so much hurt. He got up off the armchair and settled himself on the bed beside Harry, observing him with concern, wondering if he was about to fall into a panic attack.
Harry slowly looked up at Remus.
"I need to see your arm, cub, I'm sorry. Arthur told me you had cut yourself up and I know tonight was also very triggering for you."
Harry pulled his gaze away from Remus, shaking his head. He protectively pressed his left arm close to his chest. "No."
"Harry," Remus said sternly. "I'm not going to tell you off or make you feel bad for cutting. I just need to see if they need any attention, I don't want them to get infected."
Harry huffed and sighed out with annoyance, but he held out his arm anyway.
Remus didn't scold him for his attitude, only gave him another concerned look as he took Harry's arm in his hands and gently pulled his sleeve up, revealing the muggle bandages. Remus peeled them off one by one, revealing long, thin, deep cuts. Besides those older ones covered by the bandages were newer, fresher cuts that were still drying up, as if Harry had just done them before he'd fallen asleep.
Merlin's fucking beard! Remus inwardly cursed. He kept his reaction from showing on his face, yet his voice still shook a bit when he said, "Give me the tool you used, please."
Harry reached into his pocket, handing him a bloodstained paperclip. He didn't look at Remus at all, but Remus knew his facial expression was full of surliness and his eyes filled with shame. The paperclip glinted in Remus' hand, reminding him of that nail Harry once used to tear his arm up. Severus had told him about it and had shown it to him. The horror Remus had felt that day returned, and before he could stop himself, his voice filled with it, "Harry, you can get a serious infection from this!"
Harry didn't respond, closing himself up from behind his wall and shutting down.
Remus imagined the wall, imagined each and every brick that he and Severus had taken down, each crack that had fractured the wall… He could see it repairing itself. He could mournfully see each and every single piece of it fitting itself all back together, even the tiniest pieces of brick, even the dust. Remus imagined himself trying to stop it, to keep it all from going back to the state it was, but the wall was stubborn and stronger then it ever was before.
Remus pointed his wand to each cut, cleaning them and healing them, but they left scars. Only because Remus was so physically tired from the battle and mentally exhausted from his confrontation with Severus and seeing the wounds Harry did to himself, along with everything else that had gone wrong tonight. His magic wasn't strong enough.
"I'm sorry, cub, normally I could do better than this," Remus apologized as he watched Harry examine the new scars etched into his skin.
"It doesn't matter," was all Harry said.
"Harry, I want you to look at me."
Harry kept his focus on his new scars. Remus continued anyway, "You admitted that you were scared when I was checking your identity… You do know I wasn't going to hit you."
Harry didn't answer. Remus pushed the topic further, seeing the way Harry fidgeted from his discomfort.
"In that moment you thought I was… What were you seeing when you looked at me?"
Remus was met by more silence. "Harry," he pleaded.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"No, no don't push me away like that."
Remus wanted to make Harry look at him, to actually talk to him, but he kept his hands to himself. Sometimes when Harry was like this, touching was a trigger, and with Harry already closing up, Remus didn't want to make it worse.
"I can't have you angry at me, I can't have us fighting. Not with this war. We can't lose each other again, talk to me, Harry."
Harry only continued to fidget, then started to examine his new scars, not saying anything. Remus waited, giving him time, giving him space to think. And then finally, finally Harry took a deep breath and pulled his sleeve back down.
"I'm not angry with you."
"Yes, yes you are."
"I'm not!"
"Harry, I would never hurt you like that and I'm not trying to hurt you by replacing you with Tonks and the baby."
"Okay, got it! What a relief!"
"Harry," Remus sighed out with exasperation as he watched his son turn away from him, laying back down into the bed and throwing the covers over himself, his back to Remus.
"Tonks and I aren't married."
At that, Harry turned back around. "You're not?"
"It was just a rumor, a rumor Tonks confirmed to be true even though it wasn't. She did it because she didn't want to look bad to Moody. I just accidently got her pregnant and that is all. That is all that's happening between us, we aren't even together…"
"Do you love her?"
"I do…but not in the same way I loved Severus and Sirius. I love Tonks only as a best friend."
"Then why did you sleep with her?" Harry's voice was confrontational, his cheeks reddening a bit.
Remus stuttered out his answer, not even sure what he should say to answer Harry's question. "I… I don't know... I was lost, Harry… I just… I was trying to find…" He suddenly couldn't say Severus' name… "It just ended up being all just a big mistake."
Harry only gave him a searching look, so Remus continued, "I'm still so sorry for hurting you this way… Believe me, cub, I didn't do it with any intention of replacing you."
"No, you were just trying to replace Severus," Harry said, his voice so low and soft as if he knew saying them would hurt Remus, but he said them anyway and with that horrible truth he'd spoken, he sat back up, listening to Remus again yet he wouldn't directly look at him.
"I… I think I was, but it didn't work," Remus choked out, feeling his chest tightening.
"You saw him," Harry said. "During the battle you dueled with him… I didn't see him, it all happened so fast. I don't think I even saw you after the Death Eaters attacked us."
"I did, and I'm glad it was me and not you," Remus' voice cracked, his heart just hurting and aching and beating still. It was hard to talk about Severus to Harry, maybe because they were both dealing with the same pain of betrayal and loss, maybe it was because they didn't really need to talk about it, they just both felt the empty space Severus left between them. "And when I was searching for Moody's body, I saw him again."
Harry's eyes widened with shock at the news. It was hard to continue. Remus just wanted to lock it all up inside and never have to speak about it again, never have to think about it again, but still, he told Harry everything.
"I left him… I couldn't do what I should've done, I should've attacked him or I don't know…send word to Kingsley… I just kept thinking this is Severus, cub, it's Severus… I couldn't… Maybe it was all a mistake, maybe everything wasn't what we thought we saw that night. But then he spoke to me, the way he looked at me… Then it wasn't Severus, at least not the one that we loved. It was a stranger looking back at me in Severus' eyes and it was a stranger speaking to me using Severus' voice. It wasn't Severus, but the Death Eater he might have always been… I just don't know if that was the real him he'd been hiding all along and it's driving me mad… I thought that maybe it was possible that he could still be undercover…for a moment I thought there was hope in finding him inside that stranger's eyes… But after that encounter, after seeing the way he fought for the other side, after he let me fall, almost killing George with that horrible spell of his', the way he ganged up on Moody with Malfoy… I left, I couldn't do what I was supposed to do."
"Remus, he killed Dumbledore. I saw it happen. He killed Dumbledore and then he attacked me, and he said the most horrible things about both of us. We've talked about the possibility of him being undercover before and we both agreed that what Snape did that night was real," Harry said as he listened to Remus speak, his green eyes glistening in the shadowy room of the lantern Remus had put on. "Why the sudden change?"
And Remus told Harry everything else. How the Order came across the plan of the Seven Potters, how it had been confunded into Mundungus. Remus told Harry about his mission to the pub and about his conversation with the bartender, and how Remus had figured out the culprit for confunding Mundungus had been Severus.
Harry was shocked. He asked Remus all of the same questions that Remus had been mulling over for days and days. "Why did he give us that plan, especially after Snape made his loyalty clear to us? He's done so many horrible things to us. It doesn't make sense… Unless, unless he could still be undercover despite everything he's done… Or maybe he's loyal to Voldemort but a part of him may still care about us? Maybe not everything was a lie."
"I don't know, Harry, believe me I don't know. I've been going over those same questions for days, and like I've said, before tonight's battle I wondered if we were wrong to quickly believe what we saw, for a moment I thought that maybe, just maybe Severus could still be underneath that Death Eater facade, that it could just be that mask he always wore, always hiding his true self, his emotions… And yes, he killed Dumbledore… I hoped because it was just as you said, why give us a plan that works in our favor? But after tonight, after the battle, after everything that happened tonight, I see now I was a fool for hoping…"
"He used Sectumsempra," Harry said. "He was so mad at me for using it on Draco, we didn't talk for days."
"And he used it tonight. Why is he still using it if he was so ashamed of it? Why is he using it unless what he felt about the spell had just been a lie to us? Maybe we were close to seeing the Death Eater he hid from us and he just covered it all up, telling us what we expected to hear from him… I just don't know what to think, Harry, and after running into him tonight alone, the way he acted, I just feel like I'm farther and farther away from the truth… The way he spoke to me tonight, looked at me, I don't think he is undercover anymore."
Harry continued to fidget with the hem of his sleeve, listening to Remus with a thoughtful look on his face as if he were desperately trying to figure out Severus' motives right that second and give his answer to Remus. He was momentarily distracted from the argument they were having before, from closing up from Remus behind his wall, from having to show Remus his cuts. Severus always said that distraction was the best way for Harry, Remus remembered. But why figure that out if he was lying the whole time?
"What are you thinking about, cub?" Remus asked after the sudden silence between them grew a bit longer.
"You said Snape hasn't entered the cabin, right? And he hasn't even attempted to try to come to the Burrow or even Grimmauld Place. Are there even Death Eaters stationed outside the cabin wards?"
"As far as I know, no. I spent the last full-moon there and it was safe, no intruders, I even updated the wards. But he had time to enter the cabin without a fight, it took me a while to go back there."
"Well now he can't anymore. Ron told me his parents updated their wards to recognize Snape as an enemy, and that Mad-eye put up new wards around Grimmauld Place to keep him out."
"Hmmm…" Remus said. "The cabin and the Burrow. Those are the two likely places where we would take you to after Privet Drive. I know Severus knows that. He could've breached those locations right before we had the chance to update them, but he never did. Why make it harder for himself? Now that you're here with the updated wards casting him out, he lost his chance to prevent that. It should've been the first thing on his list…"
Remus thought some more, Harry looked at him with silent curiosity.
"The questions that are bothering me, cub, is why didn't he attack those places before we moved you? Why wait to be seen until the ambush? Why give us the Seven Potters that succeeded in getting you here? Why try to figure out which Potter was you, because he was Harry, I saw him, he went straight for you… Why, to all of it? What is his reason? What is his game? I think he's waiting, if he really is the traitor in all of this, if he really is that evil to fool us the whole entire time, I should think that he's planning an attack on the Burrow while we're all here, when our morale is low from Moody's death, when we are wondering how the date of your movement has slipped and our trust in each other is fragile. Maybe you reaching the Burrow didn't matter to him, because he knew where you would go… Does this make any sense? I think he gave us this plan to break us from the inside…"
"Well it certainly explains all of the plot holes," Harry said. "And for us suddenly fearing that there may be a traitor."
Again, they were both silent for a while, this time not a heavy one, but one where they were just lost in their own thoughts, until Harry said, "What you said, Remus, this all makes sense if Snape really is a traitor, but the doubt you had over it, even if you don't believe it anymore… If he is still undercover it could still sort of make sense, but only if we don't focus on the facts that he's killed Dumbledore and everything else… Perhaps he was just trying to give us the plan but it all just went wrong. It explains the leaked date, why the plan was favored for our side to succeed. It explains why he never tried coming to the cabin and the Burrow…"
"Yes, exactly," Remus said. "That is what I can't figure out. What side is Severus really on, is he still ours or has he always been Voldemort's?"
"And you're positive that Snape had Moody's body when you ran into him?"
"Yes, he wouldn't admit it, but I could smell the blood and the body…" Remus stopped, feeling too sick to continue. It had been the first thing he scented when he appeared in that alleyway, mixed in with Severus' scent. It had hit him like a punch to the gut, and he remembered how hard it was to keep himself composed as he sent Arthur away, which Kingsley was right, was very stupid of him to do. Remus was lucky to have escaped Severus without a fight breaking out. He didn't want to think about the possibility of Severus attacking him, aiming to kill.
"So then there is no point in searching for Mad-Eye anymore… Why would Voldemort want it?" Harry asked with disgust. "I just can't imagine Severus taking it…"
"There could be a number of disturbing reasons why," Remus only said, not wanting to voice any of them to his cub or give them any thought. He felt sick just thinking of Severus covering Moody's body up right before he and Arthur appeared.
"Snape always had his secrets," Harry pointed out. "He always talked about not being around one day and what to do just in case. I thought it was just war talk, and I knew he brought me and you back together because he would always say he wanted you to watch over me just in case something should happen. Every time he spoke that way I would question him but he would never tell me anything… Why would he talk like that if he was really on Voldemort's side the whole time, why would he pretend to care about things like that? I just don't get it, Remus, it just adds more to the question if he's still undercover or if he is really just evil. Why didn't I see that he was lying the whole time? I feel so stupid for it."
While Harry had spoken, he started fidgeting with his sleeve more than ever as if he were fighting himself to not start scratching himself in front of Remus. Remus had a feeling that was exactly what he was doing.
"Hey…" Remus reached out a hand and placed it on Harry's shoulder. Harry flinched from it, but he didn't shake off Remus' hand and he stopped his fidgeting. Remus squeezed it for comfort, trying to get Harry's attention back on him so he could see if Harry understood what he was about to tell him.
"Cub, you were right in what you just said. Severus was planning this the whole time, that was why he would talk like that, and you've seen it on his face and in his eyes and the way he would get very quiet and melancholy, the way he would avoid certain questions and topics to discuss, I know you saw it because I saw it too, but we still trusted him, we both still loved him. Don't feel stupid for being fooled. He was a good liar, too good a liar, even with all of those signs. I thought those were just secrets between him and Dumbledore, secrets that were kept to protect us from the ugly parts of the war. I fell for his lies too, and so did Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall and the Weasleys and Madam Pomfrey… The list goes on and on, Harry. Everyone was fooled, so don't you dare feel stupid over it because I do too, and I bet everyone else does as well. And what Severus did, it wasn't on you. You not seeing the Death Eater he really was, that wasn't your fault, do you understand? I don't want you blaming yourself for this, cub, believe me no one is."
Harry bowed his head at that, his bangs covering his eyes. Remus knew he was just trying to hide his sudden tears from him. He pulled his son into a hug and was thoroughly surprised that Harry accepted it, wrapping his arms around Remus so tight as if he were afraid he'll lose him if he let go. Maybe he had been afraid of losing Remus too… Remus' heart broke from that realization and he hugged his son tighter.
"I'm not going anywhere," Remus whispered.
"This isn't your fault either, papa…" Remus heard Harry say softly in return.
Remus just held Harry, feeling his body shudder against him with a few silent sobs. "It's going to be okay, within time, soon we'll have all of the answers to our questions. This war can't last forever, he can't run from us forever. I'll get answers for us if it's the last thing I'll do," Remus promised his son.
They stayed in that position until Harry's body stopped trembling, until his breathing became steady again and he began to pull away, wiping his face with his sleeve and running an embarrassed hand through his hair. His lightning bolt scar stood out against his pale skin, the flickering flames from the lantern causing it to look darker than it usually did.
"Harry, earlier I noticed you kept rubbing at your scar, has it been bothering you?"
Harry shrugged, "It's been twinging every now and then…"
"Did you have a vision tonight? Molly told me you came inside looking as if you saw a ghost and you asked her for Pepper-up Potion."
"Yeah, I did." Harry ran a hand over his scar. "The pain got really bad tonight when Voldemort was near me. My wand did something really strange, it moved on its own and connected itself with Voldemort's and Priori Incantatem happened again like in the graveyard. But in the vision that I saw tonight, that shouldn't have happened, he was using Malfoy's wand… In the vision he was torturing Olivander over it, he was really angry and asking him questions…"
"Hmm," Remus pondered over what Harry said. "Wand lore is a very complicated manner to understand, I wish I knew more of the subject… Is your scar still hurting you?"
"A bit… It just feels more like a headache now."
"I don't recall it bothering you as much during the school year."
"That's because Snape isn't around to help me Occlude anymore and close my mind off before bed…but I'm not worried. Voldemort doesn't seem to know that we are still connected, I'm safe for now."
Remus still didn't like the sound of that, he wished there was something he could do about it, but learning to Occlude and then helping Harry with it. That subject in mental magic had always been beyond his magical expertise.
"Maybe once you get back to Hogwarts…" Remus started to say.
"I'm not going back to Hogwarts," Harry said defiantly before Remus could finish his own sentence.
Remus wasn't all that surprised to hear that coming out of his cub's mouth. "And why is that?" He had a feeling this may happen because of the mission.
Harry didn't answer.
"It's because of the mission Dumbledore left you with, isn't it? I've asked you about it before, I would like some answers this time, Harry. When are you planning on leaving, and were you ever going to tell me or just disappear off the face of the earth?"
"I was going to tell you," Harry said with a scowl.
Remus raised an eyebrow at that. "Were you?" he asked.
Harry shrugged, running his hand through his hair again, brushing it away from his face and making it messier than it already was. For a moment, Remus felt like he was talking to James, remembering all of the times he would do the same thing when Lily was in the same room as them. "I was going to leave a note…"
"Harry!" Remus said with exasperation.
"I can't risk you stopping me! It's too important, and no! I'm not telling you anything about it!" Harry argued. "I can't, I promised Dumbledore."
"I think he would understand. You can trust me at least, maybe I could help you."
Harry only looked away with a scowl, crossing his arms to his chest, looking like a petulant child.
More like acting like one! Remus thought with frustration.
"Fine, don't tell me then if that's how you want it. Do you still have the portkey I gave you?"
Harry nodded.
"Good, keep it close to you always. Use it if you have to, please, cub, promise me that at least."
Still looking petulant and stubborn, Harry only nodded.
"Can we change the subject?" he then asked, laying back down again and throwing the covers over himself. His dark hair splayed out on the pillow as he yawned.
Taking that as a cue to leave, Remus was about to get up from where he was sitting on the bed.
"Stay here," Harry said, seeing him get up. "That chair looks uncomfortable."
"It actually is quite comfy," Remus protested.
"You didn't look comfy sleeping in it."
"Don't worry about me, cub, I've got an even comfier living room floor waiting for me."
"Stay," Harry only said.
"I couldn't… Don't you want your space from your dear old papa?"
"Just stay!" Harry protested with a huff of annoyance.
Remus chuckled at that, "Okay, okay, don't be so pushy now! Maybe I just didn't want to hear your snoring, ever thought of that?"
Harry only rolled his eyes with another sigh of annoyance as Remus made himself comfortable under the covers beside him.
They both laid on their backs, looking up at the ceiling.
Out of all the Weasley rooms in the house, Percy's was the most dull. The ceiling was bare, the walls were bare. Remus wondered what the third Weasley son was doing at the moment. He wondered if he was missing his family as much as they were missing him. Remus hoped that soon Percy would realize just how lucky he was to have a large family, how much he was taking this for granted. To grow up here, to have a childhood here… Remus wished that Harry would have had that.
"You left Privet Drive tonight for good, Harry," Remus pointed out, turning on his side to face him. "You don't ever have to go back there again if you don't want to. How are you feeling about that?"
Harry continued to look up at the ceiling. "You know Ron has Chudley Cannon posters tacked all over the ceiling in his room?"
"Yeah, I've seen it," Remus said with patience. "I was following Molly around the house one day during the summer as she was collecting everyone's laundry…" She'd been telling Remus about her concerns about the mission, how she was worried about Harry, Ron, and Hermione taking off to only Merlin knows where… Remus stopped, then said, "Hey, don't change the subject!"
And Harry told him, "I don't know… It was strange I guess… I thought I would be one hundred percent happy about it and would never have to think about the Dursleys again, but it's more complicated than that…"
"Of course it would be, I would not have expected it to be easy," Remus said gently as Harry turned on his side to face him. His green eyes suddenly became dark and sad.
"They raised me, they were my family no matter how much they denied it to me and that little kid in the cupboard, he's gone now. Leaving Privet Drive, it's like an end to my childhood and I'm sort of feeling that loss. But is it really a loss when I'm leaving it with nothing worth remembering but fear and being hurt by them? And at the same time I'm feeling sort of relieved, but not really…like I'm free of them, but at the same time I'm not. I'm still carrying them around and that fear and hurt they gave me, it's different…now it's just something I've felt in the past that could never happen again… Does that make any sense at all?"
"How you feel doesn't need to make sense, but I understand what you're trying to say. No matter how much we want to leave the past behind, it's still a part of ourselves, even if running from it is for the best."
Remus noticed that as Harry was speaking he began clenching his fist tightly into a ball. Remus took Harry's hand in his and opened up his fingers, massaging the crescent-shaped indents from his nails out of Harry's palm. Harry only watched him, seeming as if he were lost in his thoughts.
"What is it, cub?" Remus asked.
Harry pulled his hand away from Remus, examining the marks he made on himself.
"Right before the Dursleys left, Aunt Petunia was in the living room crying while me and Dudley were saying good-bye. He left and it just left me and her alone together. She told me good-bye and then she stopped as if she wanted to say something else, but she didn't… She left… I was just wondering what she wanted to say, and if we would ever see each other again… If she would ever want to see me… I think in her own way, she was trying to help me during the summer. She would make me sit at the table for hours until I finished my plate and she made up some dumb story of me possibly doing drugs and smoking to Uncle Vernon to help make sure I keep my door open, I think she was trying to prevent me from cutting…"
"Hmm…try not to dwell on her actions too much, even though in her own way she was trying to help you, I hated the way she did it. She still belittled you, still made you feel bad, still made you into her house-keeping servant and had you sit for hours alone at her table. I hope Petunia Dursley regrets all of that for every moment of her life, and especially for not giving you a real good-bye after everything that's happened between you and her."
"Remus, that's a bit harsh, isn't it?"
"No, it's less than what she deserves. She and her husband should be locked up for child abuse, Harry. She did more than just treat you like shit, she allowed her husband to beat you your whole entire childhood, and even though she technically never laid a hand on you, she hurt you mentally. The least she could do was give you a proper good-bye or even an explanation to why she did what she did. So am I being so harsh? I don't think so, cub, I have no sympathy at all for her and people like her who hurt children like that."
"Well, she sort of talked to me last summer about why she hates me… This summer I thought she would be a bit different towards me because of it, she was the one who contacted Dumbledore because she was worried for me, and Aunt Petunia being worried for me, that's never happened before, that was why I talked myself into going to Privet Drive for one last time. I thought she would treat me a bit better, but I was wrong, she just went back to her old cold-hearted self again. I don't even know why she bothered to make sure I ate and kept my door open, you were right, she only made me feel worse. I couldn't eat there. I guess changing into a better person and loving me as she should have was too hard for her."
I couldn't eat there… It was an opening in the conversation for Harry's unspoken eating disorder, and Remus knew he should've taken it. But he didn't. Harry yawned again after that and so Remus figured it could wait another time. Instead Remus snorted out with disbelief and said, "It may be hard for her, but it will never be hard for me. Loving you as my son has been the easiest and the best thing that's ever happened to me."
"I love you too, pops," Harry said shyly and sleepily.
Remus chuckled in return and then Harry's eyes suddenly widened in the dim, shadowy room.
"Holy shit, Remus! You're going to be a dad again and to an actual baby!"
"An actual baby?" Remus repeated with a laugh. "Hey, this isn't the first baby I'll be around. Sirius and I took care of you for Lily and James loads of times."
"Yeah, but like that was sixteen years ago!"
"Fair enough, in fact I was going to reprimand you on your poor choice of words but you're right, I am indeed feeling: oh, holy shit I'm going to have a baby in the middle of this fucking war! What was I fucking thinking?!"
Harry bursted out laughing, and Remus smiled, just bloody loving that he was finally able to do that. Then Harry stopped and looked at him, "You weren't thinking, papa," he deadpanned. "But it's still happening, are you a little bit excited at least? I mean if you take away the war part for a moment."
"Yes, of course I am, I love being a father to you so much that I hope I can do it just as well with this new baby…" Remus then earnestly looked at Harry, suddenly wanting him to very much understand what he was about to say next.
Harry must've felt the serious turn of conversation, because he looked at Remus, straight in the eye and fuck, Remus felt himself tear up a bit but he didn't let himself fall apart. It was just nice to have his son look at him again, to see him again. To not have Harry avoiding him and flinching away from him and being angry and fearful.
Remus continued, "I'm not replacing you, okay."
"I know, you made that clear earlier," Harry said.
"I just want to make sure you're not feeling that way. You are not replaceable. What we have isn't something that could just be tossed away… I'm also talking about the time we spent together with Severus… Even though remembering him hurts, I can't just replace what we had with him with Tonks and the baby. Creating a new family over you, that wasn't my intention at all, like I've said, it just happened. You're always going to be my son, my family, no matter how close Tonks and I get or with a new baby on the way, you're still my first son and they can't change that."
Harry smiled at Remus. "Thanks for saying that, papa."
"It's always going to be me and you, cub."
"And I'm going to be a big brother."
"Yes, and you're going to be the best."
It was silent between them again. Harry had taken off his glasses, his eyes closed and seemed to be drifting off to sleep. Remus envied him for that, he felt wide awake, his thoughts just racing over everything they'd discussed. He spied the empty owl cage on Percy's desk, the sight of it was tragic. It was bent and the bars were burnt. Remus' heart broke for Hedwig and for Harry's loss of his pet owl.
"I'm sorry about Hedwig," Remus whispered to Harry, wondering if he was still awake.
"It's okay, papa, you don't have to…" Harry muttered out sleepily, his eyes still closed.
"I do, she was your owl."
Harry didn't say anything after that and Remus thought he must've fallen asleep.
"I tried leaving tonight…" Harry mumbled.
"I know, Molly told me and I'm very glad you didn't."
"You aren't mad about it?"
"No, we'll talk more in the morning, okay?"
"Okay…"
Remus leaned forward and kissed Harry's temple. "Goodnight, cub."
But Harry didn't answer, already falling asleep. His heavy breathing slowly turned into a quiet snoring.
Remus smiled at that, then made himself comfortable by turning over and instantly falling asleep as well.
Review Responses!
BlueWater5: Thank you!
Imaginer.012: Oh believe me I really do miss writing all of them being happy together, and I'm glad you liked the chapter even though it was hard to get through! And thank you for the birthday wish!
Bluemoonwrites: Thank you for the birthday wish! I am really glad you liked my last update and I hope you enjoyed this one as well! There's plenty of Harry angst in this one.