Chapter Eleven- Silvery Moonlight
A/N: Read this before reading the Chapter Please!
I've decided to separate chapters eight and nine. So if you read this chapter, you will find that you have read it already. The new updated chapter that I want you guys to read will be Chapter Twelve : Undesirable Number One.
The next few days went by after that night, Remus kept himself busy with small tasks and missions for the Order and making sure he still had time for Harry. It was all he could do to keep himself from thinking about the horrible fight he had with Vector or thinking how right he had been. That mission was Remus' to do, it wasn't fair to Charlie for being stuck doing it for so long and not fair to Vector who was exhausted from his previous mission and had to go straight back into another dangerous one.
They never found Alastor's body. The Order ended up throwing an empty funeral pyre for him, passing along speeches with Firewhiskey being shared amongst each other.
Charlie was finally standing with his family again, he'd cleaned himself up and had shaven. He looked better yet still exhausted.
It should've been Remus following the werewolves, only he could get close enough to find the pack, to convince them to be on their side. Only Remus could lead the werewolves through the war and prevent their side from getting attacked by them if the battle should be on a full-moon. It was the unspoken thing Charlie kept to himself when he and Tonks had gone to visit him. It was the unspoken question Kingsley and Moody had for Remus, wanting him to decide, and the pressure of doing just that was suddenly staring Remus right in the face, forcing him at a crossroads where he wasn't ready to choose which path he wanted to walk. One of them where he knew those red eyes waited for him, where the echo of wolves called to him. The bite mark covered up with a Glamour Charm began to tingle…
Remus didn't reject the offered firewhiskey being passed around, enjoying the way it burnt the back of his throat.
On the morning of Harry's birthday and the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding, Remus had arrived early to the Burow. He was greeted by Molly as he placed his wrapped present to Harry on the kitchen table along with all the others. He'd braved going into the cabin again, this time for Harry's sake.
As Remus began to prepare breakfast, he told Molly about all of last night, how he'd turned the cabin practically upside down looking for his father's watch. Like most wizarding families, it was a tradition to give their turning seventeen year old son a new watch or pass one down. In Remus' family, on his father's side, they passed down an old pocket watch. It was one of the very few Lupin family heirlooms. And when Remus had finally found it, to his dismay, it was cursed. He'd angrily destroyed it. He guessed his father really did not want Remus to have it, it explained why he'd never received it at seventeen as he should have.
And then Remus had suddenly found himself with nothing to give Harry. Most of the shops in Diagon Alley and Hogsmead were boarded up, and Remus didn't really have the funds to buy a new watch, one Harry deserved to wear. As he paced about his father's study, Remus spotted his mom's old wireless on one of the book shelves, it was a muggle radio that broadcasted muggle stations. The last time it was played was Christmas, Remus had put it on for Harry and… Well, at least he knew it still worked.
Remus took it and worked on it all night, enchanting the wireless to pick up the wizarding broadcasts as well as the muggle ones, and having it run on magic instead of batteries. It was an idea Remus had, thinking the radio could be very useful to Harry, Ron and Hermione once they left on their mission. Now that they were all seventeen, as much as Remus wanted to, he couldn't stop them from leaving, but at least he could help in small ways to make the mission easier for them, such as giving them a link to what was going on in the world while they were in hiding.
"Don't worry, that is an excellent idea, and I have just the thing for Harry as well," Molly said once Remus was done with his story and telling her all of his concerns of the possibility of Harry not wanting an old radio.
Remus waited, wondering what she was on about as he continued to stir the pancake batter he'd insisted on making himself. Molly had been sitting at the table as she listened to him, enjoying her coffee and relaxing from not having to cook for once.
It wasn't long once she finally returned, handing Remus an old box. He looked at Molly with confusion, then opened it, revealing an old and slightly dented gold watch with engraved stars on it. Remus had seen this watch before, years ago, when he was seventeen himself.
Remus looked at it for a second before looking at Molly and realizing what she was doing.
"No, no, Molly, I can't."
Molly smiled, "Don't be silly now, Remus, take it, I want you to give it to Harry."
"No, it was your brother's. You have to be the one to give it to him. It would mean a lot coming from you and it would only be silly if I do it…"
"No, it wont…" Molly began but Remus shoved the box back towards her.
"If you give it to Harry, it would show him just how much he means to you. He'll see that he is wanted here, that he is truly part of your family… Molly, Harry needs that, I want that for him."
A tear slipped out of Molly's brown eyes. "If you insist. And don't feel like you owe me something in return for this. It is my decision, and I think Fabian would be very happy to see his watch go to Harry instead of just sitting in a box, covered in dust and forgotten."
All Remus could do was hug Molly Weasley.
Once everything was ready for Harry's birthday breakfast with pancakes and presents stacked on the table, Remus couldn't wait for Harry to wake up anymore so he decided to just go get him. He was too excited to see Harry's reaction to wait any longer. Remus had missed nearly all of Harry's birthdays so he was determined to make a bit of that up through this one. He wanted to see Harry happy and be celebrated. This was his seventeenth birthday, a milestone.
He climbed all the way up to the fifth floor, finally out of breath and reaching Ron's bedroom door. Remus was going to knock first but then he heard Harry muttering… Gregorovitch
"Gregorovitch… Gregorovitch…"
"What?" Remus whispered. Alarmed, he opened the door to find both boys asleep, but Harry was tossing and turning on his cot.
Remus went to his sleeping son, kneeling down by the cot. The sun was already so bright, setting the orange walls of the room ablaze. Remus waved his hands at the curtains, closing them so Harry wouldn't be blinded by the sun once Remus woke him up.
"Harry, cub, wake up," Remus said softly, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder.
Harry startled in his sleep. "Gregorovitch…"
"Harry," Remus gently shook him awake, causing Harry to gasp and open his eyes.
Feeling Remus' hand on him, Harry flinched away from it, sitting up and scooting away, his green eyes wide with fear. "Don't…" he stuttered out.
"Cub, it's me…papa…" Remus gently reminded Harry.
Waking Harry up from a nightmare, it was times like this where Harry's childhood trauma showed, and it was so hard for Remus to see him like this. "It's okay, Harry, there is no one here to hurt you. It's just you and me and we are in Ron's bedroom. I'm waking you up for breakfast."
Harry blinked as he listened, his body shaking, then suddenly his face filled with clarity. He bowed his head with embarrassment and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "I'm sorry," he muttered.
"There's no need for apologies, Harry." Remus picked up Harry's glasses. "Here are your glasses."
Harry took them and put them on, looking relieved to see it really was Remus in front of him.
"Forgive me for waking you, but it seemed as if you were stuck in a nightmare. You kept saying Gregorovitch."
"Gregorovitch?" Harry frowned. "But I don't know what that is."
"It's a person I believe, a wand maker." Remus frowned with worry. "What exactly were you dreaming about?"
"I don't know, I can't remember anymore… I think… I think Voldemort needs him for something. I think he's searching for him… I just remember feeling frustrated and angry…and I needed to find Gregorovitch…"
"I'll pass this on to Kingsley, maybe we can do a bit of research on this…see if Voldemort has found him or not…"
Harry looked relieved at that. "Is there anything else I can do to help?"
"Just let me know right away if anything else comes to you in your dreams," Remus said worriedly. "I hate that you're still connected to Voldemort… At least try to use what Severus taught you…"
"I can't just turn this connection off by myself! Even with Severus helping me, it never really went away completely! And now with him gone, it's harder! I told Hermione this too, she doesn't like me seeing into Voldemort's mind any more than you do!"
"I know, we are just worried about the dangers of it, cub," Remus said.
"It could be useful," Harry said.
"I know, but not at the risk of your safety."
"I want to help with the Order, this is the only way I can before my mission."
Suddenly a loud snort came from Ron, causing them to both stop their conversation as their attention turned to Harry's sleeping best friend.
They both looked at each with amusement. The argument between them fizzled out. Remus suddenly had an idea to cheer Harry up. He didn't want the war or anything else worrying him on the morning of his seventeenth birthday or even an argument between them.
Remus smiled mischievously at his cub, bending over a bit closer to him so Harry could hear him, "Hey, cub, happy birthday!"
"Thanks, papa, why are we whispering?" Harry whispered back, willingly to play along. It seemed he didn't want an argument between them anymore than Remus did.
"This ain't just any old birthday, you're seventeen now, which means…"
"I can do magic now!" Harry picked up his wand, then looked around the room before taking off his glasses and pointing his wand at them, causing them to fly around the room. Then he tried to get them to go back on his face by themselves only to successfully manage to poke himself in the eye. "Ow!" Harry exclaimed in whispers.
"Brilliant, cub!" Remus chuckled. "Are you alright?" he whispered.
Harry rubbed his eye and then put his glasses back on himself. "Yeah, why are we still whispering?"
"How about we play a prank on Ron to wake him up?"
Harry grinned at that, Remus could see that his anxiety and fear from his nightmares was finally washing away. He finally stopped shaking and he allowed Remus to sit next to him on the cot without any reaction.
Remus waved his wand, nonverbally causing all of Ron's things to fly around the room.
Harry snickered and did the same to Ron's blankets and pillows, causing Ron to snort and wake up.
"Hey, what the!"
Then all the blankets and pillows fell on top of him and everything went back to its place as Remus and Harry laughed until Ron decided to send flying pillows at them for revenge.
"What a way to wake up a bloke! Wait!" Ron realized. "Wait, Harry, you're seventeen now! You can do magic!"
Amused by their antics, Remus stood up as the boys both started causing things to fly across the room until Harry managed to poke his eye again. "I'll leave you two to get ready, then come downstairs," he said with amusement before leaving the room.
"Happy seventeenth, dear!" Molly hugged Harry as soon as he entered the kitchen with Ron beside him. She then steered him towards the table.
"Pancakes?!" Harry exclaimed when he saw the breakfast setup on the table, then his happiness flickered. It was small and only for a brief second until Harry hid it away. Only Remus had noticed it because he'd been intensely watching Harry's face at the time to see his surprise and joy for his favorite breakfast food on his birthday.
That surprise and joy had been tainted by sudden sorrow.
And Remus knew why.
He knew what caused it. He knew it would happen today no matter what. It was the absence of Severus. He used to make Harry pancakes all of the time, it was the food that got Harry eating again last summer, and Remus had hoped it would work its same magic again. That it would break Harry out of his eating disorder that he was falling back into from being with the Dursleys again. And he wanted to do something for Harry that was familiar, even if it had memories of Severus written all over it, even if it was a tradition started by him, Remus was trying to continue the things they did without Severus and show Harry that it was okay. They didn't have to stop the small things that made them happy, the small things that reminded them of Severus.
Harry looked at Remus who nodded to him.
As if he were waiting for Remus to do that, Harry went straight to Remus and hugged him. Remus hugged him tightly in return, knowing that Harry understood his message. He then held Harry out at arm's length.
"Happy birthday, cub!"
Harry smiled, the joy back in his green eyes as he looked at Remus, and whatever he was about to say in return was interrupted by Ginny entering the kitchen. "Happy birthday, Harry!" Her birthday wish caused Harry to blush as he stammered out his thank you.
Remus smiled as he released his son. "Go on, open your presents!"
Harry looked utterly surprised at the small pile waiting just for him, then smiled, pointing his wand and levitating them all at once towards himself, causing Remus to laugh.
It was a good haul from the Weasleys and Hermione. Harry thanked Remus for the radio, refusing to take it at first but relented when Remus insisted.
"But it was your mum's… It means a lot to you, papa."
"It does, but it means alot more to me that you have it. It's a tradition for a wizard to be given a watch by his parents on his seventeenth birthday. In my family, we have a pocket watch passed down from father to son for generations. It's old and a bit outdated, but it's the only Lupin heirloom."
"What happened to it?" Harry asked.
He placed the radio aside among the rest of his gifts as he sat down in front of his plate full of pancakes. Ron had already started eating and was listening to their conversation. Remus sat across from Harry. Molly was at the counter talking to Ginny as she served her daughter a plate.
"My father cursed it, I guess he didn't want his son's werewolf hands to ever touch it."
"That's why you're giving me your mum's radio?"
"Yes, another thing that I think is much more precious that deserves to be passed down to you than a silly cursed watch. So don't you feel guilty at all for accepting it. I want you to have it, Harry, I have lots of good memories of that old thing, and I know my mother would've agreed. I know she would've loved you."
Harry softened at that admittance. "I wish I could've met her."
"I do too, cub."
Harry smiled.
"Eat your pancakes," Remus then said.
They both began to eat, Ginny and Molly joined them at the table. Ron was already on his second serving. And watching his son eat his pancakes without any hesitation for the first time since his return to the Burrow, with the pile of opened birthday presents next to him, Remus couldn't help but think how Severus was missing this. Did he care that it was Harry's seventeenth birthday today? Did he even have any heart in him left to remember the date? Remus pushed the ache of those thoughts away and forced himself to not fall from them, to just focus on his son sitting across from him.
"You are still getting a watch," Remus said to Harry as he poured a huge amount of syrup over his pancakes, then passed the jug over to Ron who did the same. Ginny looked at her brother with disgust.
Harry looked up from his plate with surprise. "I am?"
Remus winked at him, then nodded to Molly. Harry turned to see Molly pull her brother's watch out of her pocket. She stood up and he turned to face her. Harry had grown quiet as Molly began to speak.
"It's not new or anything, it's a bent dented too but it was my brother's and it…"
Harry got up from his seat and hugged Molly tight. Molly smiled and hugged him in return, her eyes growing misty before they pulled apart. She spoke softly to Harry so the others wouldn't hear but Remus was still able to catch it.
"You're considered a son here, dear, I want this to remind you of that. You're not alone anymore, even everything that's happened and will happen with the war and your mission, remember that you'll always be one of my children."
"This was something Severus was supposed to do," Harry whispered back to her.
Remus was surprised at Harry's admittance, he was never one to open up as deeply as that. Remus felt his heart break from it. Harry was right. This should've been Severus giving Harry a watch on his seventeenth birthday, and Remus was so grateful to Molly for taking over that role. And seeing this moment between Molly and Harry, Remus was more convinced that he had done the right thing in allowing Molly to give his cub her brother's watch.
"A cursed watch sounds kinda cool though," Ron said to Remus.
"A cursed watch? Whose got one of those?" Fred asked.
"We'll take that if no one wants it," George added as he and Fred joined the others at the table.
Remus tilted his head at that. It wasn't a bad idea, he realized. Leave it to the twins to find use for it.
"George, how are you feeling?" Molly patted Harry's cheek with motherly affection then went over to George inspecting his wrappings around his head.
"I'm fine mum, it's just a hole in the side of my head. I'm sure people have suffered worse than this," George said, shaking her off.
"I just want to see if you've been keeping it clean."
"I scrub it twice a day!"
"Wothcher, Harry, morning, Remus, you left early," Tonks announced as she joined the growing crowd of people in the kitchen, right behind her was Hermione who served herself a plate and sat down next to Ron. Tonks served herself a cup of tea after greeting Molly hello and sat next to Remus.
Harry greeted Tonks politely in return.
"Look like you've got a good haul there, Happy birthday!" she indicated to his birthday presents.
"Yeah I did and thanks!" Harry said, and Remus could tell Harry was trying his best to be polite to her. He had eaten more than half his food already but as soon as the kitchen began to grow loud and full of people, Remus noticed Harry putting down his fork.
"Harry, why don't you and Ron, go take these upstairs since you're done eating?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded and nudged Ron's shoulder, "Come on, Ron."
"Oh, Harry, before you go, is there anything in particular you would like for your birthday dinner?" Molly asked.
"Birthday dinner? No, you don't have to…"
"Nonsense, dear, it is no trouble at all."
"Oh, okay, treacle tart would be nice then."
"Perfect, and Ron, start pulling the extra tables and chairs out from the shed."
"But I'm helping Harry take…"
"Go now, and I'll send Fred and Charlie out to help you as well."
Ron scowled and put the presents he had gathered back on the table.
Charlie had come into the kitchen as Mrs. Weasley was speaking to them. Tonks bashfully said hello to him and he sat down next to her. Remus suddenly felt like his side of the bench began to feel too crowded so he got up and began clearing up any used dishes and taking them to the sink so they could wash themselves. He then gathered up some of Harry's presents.
"Come on, cub, I'll help you."
The mingled voices and laughter grew louder as Harry and Remus passed Fleur's parents and youngest daughter as they exited the kitchen.
"It's really been a full house here, huh?" Remus asked as they began to climb the stairs to Ron's room.
"You know she's purposely just keeping me and Ron apart. I could've helped him with the tables," Harry pointed out.
For days Molly had been determined in keeping Harry, Ron and Hermione apart from planning their mission in hopes it would prolong them from leaving. Arthur and Remus told Molly it was a bad idea, that they would find a way to talk eventually, and perhaps it would be better for them to prepare, but she was stubborn in her efforts.
"She trapped me in an interrogation in the laundry room, I feel bad, I was a bit rude with her, and now she's given me her brother's watch and throwing me a birthday dinner…"
"Don't take it to heart, Harry, she's just worried. We all are. It's her way of trying to protect you, Ron and Hermione."
"I know… She's just making it hard…"
Once they dumped the presents on Harry's cot, Remus suggested a walk outside.
The day was already hot. Charlie, Fred and Ron could be seen pulling out tables, chairs and what looked like to be a very large tent out of the shed as Harry and Remus made their way towards the pond.
"I sort of can't wait for all of this wedding hustle and bustle to be over," Remus pointed out.
"Same," Harry agreed. "You don't drink coffee anymore."
"What?" Remus said, suddenly not understanding.
"You don't drink coffee anymore. Everytime you come over and Mrs. Weasley offers you coffee, you decline and ask for tea."
Remus looked down at Harry, the sounds of their shoes crunching on the gravelly path around the lake. "Why are you suddenly paying attention to what beverages I prefer?"
Harry shrugged. "You and Severus used to drink coffee as if it were a life elixir every morning and now…"
"That is why, cub," Remus interrupted. "It's just…" and he suddenly lost what he wanted to say.
Harry had been studying Remus' face, then looked away, his eyes on the pond, the water so still it looked like glass. "You don't have to say anymore."
Remus put an arm around Harry and pulled him closed, giving him a big kiss on his forehead.
"Ugh, papa!" Harry pushed Remus away with feigned disgust.
"That's for growing up on me, cub, happy birthday!" Remus chuckled.
Harry laughed, "You've been telling me that all morning!"
"Well, I like saying it!"
They continued walking until Harry's pace began to slow down, until his mood began to grow more somber and Remus turned to face him, knowing exactly what Harry was going to ask him.
"Do you think he cares?"
And the hurt that spilled out with those words, it tore Remus up inside… So much that he struggled with what to say… "I want to say yes, I wish I can say that with certainty…"
Harry stopped walking then turned towards the pond, stepping a bit closer to it. He picked up a small stone and threw it far. Remus watched it skip a few impressive times before it disappeared down below into the watery depths. "It just wasn't supposed to be like this. He promised me so many times that he would be there, that he loved me, he loved you, then he betrayed us so horribly. What are we supposed to do with that?"
"We carry it with us and we use those broken promises to fight through the war, we use it as a reason to not give up, Harry, we won't give him what he wants. We won't break because of it."
Harry sighed a deep shuddering breath.
Remus stepped besides him, watching Harry as he skipped a few more stones.
"Harry, I want you to talk to me about your mission."
Harry frowned at that, "I've already made it clear to you…"
"I know, but you wanted to leave that night without me there!" Remus interrupted before Harry could finish.
"I just couldn't bear the thought of being there and putting everyone in danger. I don't want anyone else getting hurt or dying for me. I need to fight my own battles!" Harry scowled, throwing a few more stones but this time they sunk straight into the lake.
"Your battle is my battle, cub, don't you ever think you are alone in this. We are all fighting for you and we are fighting with you. It's the choice we all made, and don't you ever feel guilty for what we choose to do. We all want this war to be over, and we would all sacrifice everything to end it with us being victorious and you alive to live a future you deserve."
Harry didn't respond to that, he only continued to look out at the view of the pond and the hills beyond it.
"I understand that Dumbledore left you a task that he believed only you can do, but it doesn't mean that you should shut us out completely. I've told you this before, consider me helping you. I respect that you are now seventeen and you are dead set on leaving on this mission, but just promise me one thing, cub, don't just take off. Tell me goodbye."
Harry looked up at Remus. "Are you going to stop me from leaving if I do?"
"No, I won't," Remus' voice shook. Saying that went against every instinct he had in his body, because what he really wanted to say was… I won't stop you, but I'll go with you, I'll follow you straight to Voldemort if I have to… But he knew that wasn't the answer Harry wanted from him.
Harry looked into Remus' eyes, and Remus saw almost a mirror image of the hurt and betrayal and fear of a war approaching that he'd been feeling for months in those bright-green eyes.
"You can always trust me, cub."
Harry then pulled his gaze away and they continued their walk. "Okay then, I won't disappear on you."
Remus nodded with relief.
"There's one thing I could tell you, just because Mr. Weasley already knows…" Harry continued.
And Harry told Remus Ron's plans of how they were going to pretend the ghoul was Ron sick with Spattergroit. How Fred and George helped Ron put pajamas on it and covered it with boils. Arthur also helped, and they did it all without Molly knowing. Harry made Remus promise he wouldn't tell her or anyone else. It was an alibi to explain why Ron wasn't returning to Hogwarts and putting his family in danger.
Remus listened, it wasn't a bad idea. It may even buy Ron a bit of time. It was a lot simpler than what Hermione had to resort to. Remus really felt for the poor girl, hoping when this was all over, she'll be able to find her parents and restore their memories.
This wasn't fair to them. Even though they were all seventeen, they were still just kids to Remus. Seventeen year olds shouldn't have to be sacrificing for a war. They should be finishing up school, figuring out their futures. He was glad that he managed to get Harry to promise to tell him goodbye at least, to not just disappear, but he couldn't help but wonder just how true Harry's promise for him was. Would he really say goodbye? Or would suddenly Remus find him and his friends gone? And Remus would never have the chance to say goodbye to them, to have one last chance to plead to Harry to let him in. To let him help. That he didn't have to do this alone, none of them did. And what if this mission, what if this war took years? Would this be the very last time Harry and Remus were together before everything changes?
Those fears clouded Remus' head, filled his heart, made his vision a bit blurry and he felt a bit dizzy, but he refused to let it show. The wolf whined from the sudden bout of anxiety. And Remus had one question for himself as they decided to turn back towards the Burrow, when the time came, after Harry tells Remus goodbye, would Remus really be able to let him go just like that?
Once Harry had fallen into his terrible habit of cutting himself when things felt out of control started again, he couldn't stop. It was an addiction he hated and needed. He was so ashamed of it, and he hated how every time he was forced to show his papa his cuts, the look Remus would have on his face was always just pure sadness and worry. But sometimes it was the only thing that took away his anxiety, his stress of everything bad going on around him and not being able to do anything to stop it, to deal with the pain raging on inside him.
As he felt the marred skin on his arm in the dark room, Harry wondered if Remus were sleeping at the Burrow, if he might've gone to him for help, for comfort, to take away the need to cut. But Remus was with her and Harry understood why. There was no room here, and it made sense. Remus and Tonks were expecting a baby together.
But Harry couldn't sleep and his papa wasn't here and he missed Severus so much today, Harry couldn't let anyone see that today on his birthday. Yet, there was one exception. Mrs. Weasley, she knew as Harry accidentally let slip his feelings after she'd given him her brother's old pocket watch that morning. She knew and all she could do was hug him and Harry took her comfort. It wasn't a hug from his dad and Remus couldn't be Severus, but at least he had him and Mrs. Weasley.
Harry ended up staying awake long after Ron had stopped playing with his Deluminator that was left to him by Dumbledore. Fighting with himself to not give in to cutting again, he kept himself distracted by going over everything that happened on his seventeenth birthday, his thoughts racing along with the sounds of Ron's heavy snores, and the thumps and moans and groans coming from the ghoul in the attic above Ron's bedroom.
The first thing that happened on his birthday that Harry hadn't expected was Ginny kissing him. It happened right after his walk around the pond with his papa, after he left and Harry had gone up the stairs to search for his friends. When he passed by Ginny's bedroom door, her door suddenly opened and the chocolate brown eyes that always made his stomach swoop and his knees weak were suddenly boring into him, and it all just happened so fast. Suddenly Harry was in Ginny's room. Suddenly he was noticing the posters of her favorite bands and Quidditch teams, her desk with the window that looked out over the orchard and the make-shift Quidditch hoops outlined against the bright-blue sky. Harry was thinking about just how many times Ginny had been excluded from Quidditch and watched her brothers play through this window when he turned around and suddenly she was there, standing so close to him.
And then her lips were on Harry's and they were so familiar, the soft gentleness of them. Kissing Ginny, it was like coming home after a long trip. It was as if he'd finally found something that he'd lost and been losing his mind over the absence of it…and with its return, it wasn't the same. There was something about this kiss that was different, that was final, and Harry knew Ginny could feel it too. She pulled away from him, leaving Harry feeling empty. His heart was breaking and he knew this was his own fault. He was the one that had let her go first, and now she was doing the same.
Harry didn't know what to do, and there was nothing that could make this situation better, it was only to keep her safe. It had always been just that, nothing else.
"Ginny, I thought…"
"I know, you told me why and I've thought about it, I've been thinking about it, but it's what you want, Harry, and it's too hard. I don't need you to keep me safe and I can't wait around for the possibility of us being together again. If I have to get over you, and once I do, I can't fall back into it again I can't…"
"Ginny…"
"Just go, Harry, happy birthday."
Feeling so wretched with himself, Harry left, having the feeling that she broke up with him for good with no possibility of ever starting over again. And it didn't help that Ron had seen Harry come out of her room and had dragged him up the stairs by the arm to scold him for messing with Ginny. Harry couldn't admit to him that he didn't have to worry about that anymore. Because Ginny was right to be so broken up over this, he shouldn't have decided they were over without her input, with the only reason for keeping her safe. Maybe he should have given her more credit. He really was a twat, and he really deserved Ginny dumping him for good.
Then Harry's birthday dinner happened. Mrs. Weasley had really outdone herself. It was three long tables full of food and drinks and another pile of presents, just as last year with most of the Order of the Phoenix in attendance who weren't busy with missions. The Delacors took up one section, along with the Weasleys and Hagrid and Hermione. Ginny stayed away from Harry as best as she could. The fact that just a year ago they were sitting alone in the orchard, fireflies flying all around them, and Harry had just opened the present she'd given him. They had sat so close to each other, shy, but both feeling the excitement of something between them starting in the form of the glowing fireflies hovering around them, and now, now it was gone. Now there was nothing but painful awkwardness and heartbreak hovering between them, especially when despite their efforts to stay apart, they still somehow ended up sitting next to each other at the table.
Mrs. Weasley was placing a plate full of everything, including the biggest amount of mashed potatoes, in front of him. And for the first time ever, the sight of that much food wasn't what was stressing Harry out, it was the fact that he was trying very hard to not bump elbows with Ginny, when Remus had finally arrived with Tonks.
Seeing the two together, and the small swell of Tonk's belly, Harry couldn't help but feel angry over the situation of Tonks having Remus' baby, but it wasn't as strong anymore as when he'd first found out. Mainly because Harry knew he could be mad at Remus all he wanted but it wouldn't change anything. He just had to accept it, and not let his negative thoughts get the best of him. Because what if the new baby would be better for Remus. To have a kid with no rotten past, no scars, no cutting, no prophecy… His papa deserved that… But he knew Remus loved him, and would still love him even with a new baby. Harry knew he was being ridiculous.
And to chase away those thoughts, Harry forced himself to be excited at the thought of him actually having a sibling, something he thought he would never have the privilege to experience.
Remus sat down in front of Harry, Tonks sat next to Hermione and across from Ginny. Their added presence caused the space at the table to be tighter than ever. But Harry didn't care, even if he and Ginny had accidentally bumped elbows again. Remus greeted him with sparkling hazel eyes full of happiness and affection and pride all for him.
"Hi, cub, only a few hours apart and you look more like a seventeen year old than when you did this morning!" Remus then leant over so he was closer to Harry. "Hold it, is that a gray hair I see?"
"Stop, you're teasing!" Harry laughed, he then looked around to see where Mrs. Weasley was. He spotted her fawning over Charlie who had an even bigger amount of mashed potatoes then what she gave Harry. The twins loudly pointing out that they didn't even get mashed potatoes from her.
Harry looked at Remus again and held out his plate, "Can you…"
Remus' eyes widened at the sight of Harry's plate, then understanding dawned on him and he gave Harry a wink, taking the plate and scraping more than half of the mashed potatoes off and onto his own plate. "I got you covered, cub."
It wasn't long until everyone had finished eating when Remus had excused himself. Tonks had been talking to Ron, Hermione and Ginny, keeping the conversation flowing with laughter. Harry had been feeling out of place and awkward with Tonks and Ginny, but the feeling didn't last…
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you…" Harry suddenly heard Mrs. Weasley and Remus singing, the chatter around the tables joined in and turned into song. Harry looked up over the crowd, to see them coming with a large cake in the shape of a snitch, causing Harry to smile.
They placed it in front of him, Remus telling him to make a wish and blow out the candles. Everyone cheered just as Harry looked up after doing just that, and he thought he saw something move in the darkness of the Burrow, near the porch. But before he could even think about it, Harry's attention was torn away with cake suddenly on his nose paired with Remus' laughter, and when he found the chance to look back again, there was nothing there. He figured it may have been one of the garden gnomes the Weasley's yard sometimes grew infested with, probably coming out to see what all the noise was about.
After the cake had been eaten and more presents were opened, and a few party games were played, arranged by Remus and Tonks, mostly everyone began to say their goodbyes. Hagrid had just finished drunkenly singing he's a jolly good fellow along with the twins, Remus went to Harry, who was sitting on the stoop, observing everyone who came to celebrate his seventeenth birthday, still shocked at the amount of people who managed to show up despite everything. It made him feel less alone, like he had people willing to fight for him, to celebrate him, it was nice.
Remus sat next to him, a plate of cake in his hand. "What are you doing over here, cub?"
"Isn't that your third piece of cake?" Harry scoffed. He didn't want to admit to Remus that he thought he saw something. His curiosity had gotten the best of him and he suddenly found himself looking around, then sat down on the stoop when he found nothing instead, feeling a bit stupid over it. He wasn't even sure what he was looking for or what he wanted to find.
"Don't judge me, it's one of the best homemade cakes I've ever had," Remus defended himself as he tucked in. "Who knew being Molly's favorite would have its perks."
"I'm not her favorite," Harry said with a huff, then reached out and tried taking a piece from Remus' plate.
"Hey, get your own!" Remus laughed, pulling the plate away from Harry's reach.
And then suddenly the easy laughter and the sounds of lengthy goodbyes all turned into whispers, Remus suddenly stiffened, the easy-going air he had suddenly gone. His eyes flashing amber as he sought out a figure coming down the path.
"Papa?" Harry asked.
Remus didn't answer, a low growl rumbling in his throat. Alarmed, Harry followed his gaze, shocked to see the Minister of Magic. The last time Harry had seen Scrimgeour, it was during last Christmas. He had been asking for Harry's involvement in the war.
This time, he had come with Dumbledore's will.
Hermione had received a book of fairy tales. She'd given it to Remus to look through, wondering why Dumbledore would leave her with this. Ron had been given a Deluminator, and Harry had received the golden snitch from his very first Quidditch game.
It was all so strange, and Harry wondered if any of this had anything to do with the task of finding all the remaining horcruxes Dumbledore had left him with. Also he wondered what happened to the sword of Gryffindor. Had it really been lost or had the ministry taken it?
And then that led to an anxiety-filled spiral about the task. All the questions and doubts and plans Harry had over it. It began to swirl around until suddenly his chest felt tight. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. And he knew if he cut, it would soothe him, it would take it all away and then perhaps he could sleep after.
He was so close to just scratching himself.
But something stopped him.
Maybe it was because of the way Remus had reacted when he saw Harry's arm the night Harry came to the Burrow. He couldn't bear to cause Remus to look at him that way again, and thinking of his papa, he remembered what Remus had told him, using his pain to fight harder during the war, don't let it consume him. To throw all of his focus, all of his energy, throw everything into the mission. Focus on that, that was what was important right now. And Harry knew if he were to do that, if this mission were to succeed, if he wanted Voldemort vanquished for good, he couldn't continue hurting himself anymore.
Harry needed to be here. And so he clenched his fists in a tight ball, trying very hard to fight the urge of cutting away until he finally fell into a tensed sleep.
The house constantly creaked. It never stopped.
It could just be the sounds of it settling like his mom would always tell him when it used to scare him at night, after all the house was very old. Or it could just be the ghosts that haunted Spinner's End.
Maybe because it has been empty for years, but Severus didn't remember it being this bad.
He wondered about his mother, if she had still been alive, would she have stayed here after Tobias died? He then pushed any thoughts of her out of his mind. He didn't need anymore reasons to drink right now, he had enough already without that. Severus brought the bottle to his lips, thinking how he needed something stronger than red wine for tonight.
The rumors that were going on around Malfoy Manor about Alastor Moody's body was more than enough reason to give into his vices of drinking. The last meeting he went to, Yaxley was proudly walking around with the electric blue eye. It made Severus' stomach churn, and as soon as he arrived back to Malfoy Manor, he threw up his guts in the kitchen sink, shaking with horror and disgust and the only thought that went through his mind was how he had a feeling, judging by his last encounter with Remus, that the Order blamed Severus for Alastor's death, knew that he had found the body before them… It was just the way Remus looked at Severus that night…
Severus took a long swig, as if the wine could chase away those hard amber eyes from his memory.
And Harry was cutting again. Severus thought back to the early rainy morning. He'd been camped out under the bushes that were directly below Harry's window. It was right before Harry was picked up from Privet Drive. It was a miserable wet morning, Remus never arrived for his watch. Instead it was Hestia Jones and Fleur Delacour that kept watch. Severus remembered how surprised he was with himself that he was able to scent them out and recognize them, not used to the strong senses of his Animagus form, when he smelled something else in the air, faint, as if it were carried by the windy rain. It smelled like iron. It was blood. He looked up, pointing his nose towards the window and without thinking about it, he howled. Hoping that would pull Harry out of his episode. He never found out if it worked, and the passing days after that, that was all Severus could think about, could worry about, and he thanked Merlin that Remus at least knew about Harry's habit, that he would find out eventually and help him stop again.
But those weren't the only reasons why Severus was seeking comfort in his bottle of wine.
Today was Harry's birthday. His son's seventeenth birthday, and Severus wasn't there to celebrate it with him. Instead he was here, alone in this wretched haunted house.
He fiddled with his gold pocket watch. A watch he had proudly bought on his own with his first Hogwarts paycheck. It had been a symbol to Severus of the start of his new life, back when he was happy with the opportunity to teach Potions. Before he grew tired of it, and the weight of Albus' plans for the war grew too heavy and tiresome for Severus to bear, to even enjoy teaching anymore.
He opened the pocket watch, the little hands ticking. If things had turned out differently… He would've given this to Harry today.
The pain that followed after that thought was unbearable. Severus shoved the watch back into his pocket, not able to look at it anymore, then he finished off the rest of the wine, realizing that he had never hated Albus Dumbledore more than that very moment. More than he hated the Dark Lord. More than he hated the war and how he could never escape from it. It followed him around like an unwanted dark shadow. Severus realized he hated Albus more than he could hate even Potter and Black, even his own father. He hated Albus Dumbledore down to the very depths of his soul, down to the very core of him, dark and twisting and angry. It made his hands shake.
But not as much as Severus was hating himself for allowing Albus Dumbledore and the Dark Lord to turn Severus into their puppet of war. For allowing Albus to manipulate him into hurting the only two people that really mattered to him.
Severus tossed the empty wine bottle, the sounds of it breaking against the wall joined in with the horrible creaking.
And without a thought, without a pause to really wonder if this was a good idea or just foolish, Severus stood up from the moldy old armchair he was sitting on and Disapparated out of the house. He appeared moments later in a dark alleyway of the nearest town by the Burrow.
The glow of the lights were the first thing he saw, followed by the sounds of laughter and the voices of people having a good time as he ran down the last hill.
The wards didn't set off once he passed them, not when he was in his Animagus form. And thanks to his black fur coat, no one noticed as he crept to the darkest part of the back yard, settling himself under a bush near the porch after making sure he had a perfect view of Remus and Harry sitting together, talking and laughing at the three connected tables full of food. Harry's smile was the brightest thing Severus could see, taking the dark depression that had settled so heavily and unbearably in his chest tonight.
Remus' back was facing Severus and he wished he could just turn around so Severus could see his face, see Remus happy, see him smile and chase away the last memory Severus had of him, Remus looking at him as if he were some sort of monster...
Maybe I am… Who the fuck would do what I've done to them!
Severus huffed at the thought and laid his chin on his paws as he settled into his spot, hoping the scent of the bush he was hiding in would mask his scent from Remus' strong werewolf nose. Watching them, they really did look happy together. Harry laughed at something Remus said, the sound of it vibrating in Severus' heart. They were moving on, he realized. They were learning to live without him.
Seeing Harry smile, it was the only thing that Severus held onto. He wanted his son to be happy. After that long hideous summer in Privet Drive, Severus didn't think he would ever see that smile again… But still it hurt worse than anything he'd ever felt before… The fact that they can be happy without him. The fact that Remus had moved on and was now married to that witch and expecting a child with her… He could never be as strong as them and just easily let him go. He could never let them go like that.
But he understood why. Maybe they had too. Maybe the pain of his betrayal was too much to bear to hang onto. Severus was torn at being hurt over them being happy without him and being understanding over it as he continued to watch them.
He watched them and watched them. Noticed how Harry was careful to not bump into Ginny beside him, how they didn't look or speak to each other. Severus forced himself to not growl every time the witch spoke to Remus. The scents of Molly's food caused his stomach to rumble. It's been a long time since he'd eaten a proper home cooked meal.
Then suddenly Remus stood up from the table, and he and Molly began to walk back towards the Burrow. Severus flattened himself to the ground, not daring to move an inch. Preparing to just play the part of a hungry stray wolf-dog if they found him. But he had nothing to worry about. They both went into the Burrow, then came back out holding a giant birthday cake between them.
The risk of this was worth seeing the look on Harry's face.
Severus imagined himself being there besides his son, singing happy birthday along with everyone else, then kissing Remus as they watched Harry blow out the candles. Giving Harry his pocket watch. Not here, miserable and hiding in the bushes alone.
Was this how it was going to be now? Even if they all won the war and survived, would it just result to this? Severus always being the outsider, forced to watch them move on and live their lives without him, to never be a part of them again.
Maybe it was for the best… After all, what had Severus expected… He betrayed them in the worst possible way, even if it was all because of Albus, even when killing him was not as it really seemed… What did Severus expect Remus and Harry to do with that?
And suddenly Severus had enough, no matter how much he understood, it still hurt deeply and he couldn't bear to watch the happy birthday scene going on any longer. He couldn't bear to watch Remus wipe frosting on Harry's nose and hear his mischievous laughter ringing out over the crowd.
Severus was almost near the town when the dark mark suddenly burned, causing him to growl before changing back into his human form immediately and instantly Disapparating away.
"Severus…" The Dark Lord greeted him as soon as Severus entered the dining hall at Malfoy Manor. "Are you ready to return to Hogwarts as its new headmaster?"
.
.
After the long meeting full of plans for Severus to become Hogwarts' new headmaster, he found himself walking through the Malfoys' garden. He had meant to seek out Draco, but his mind wandered and he found himself taking a walk through the mazes of white roses instead. It was late, there was a chance Draco had retired to bed already anyway.
"Severus," Narcissa suddenly joined him, ripping him out of his thoughts. "You seem melancholy today."
"What makes you say that?"
"You never stay here for very long, you usually check up on Draco and then you leave."
"I just fancied a walk through your admirable gardens."
"Severus, I don't want Draco going back to Hogwarts. I want him here."
Severus stopped, turning to look at Narcissa in shimmering green and gold robes. "How do you expect to watch over him if he's not in the same place as I am? I think Hogwarts would be safer, away from…"
"He's the safest with me. Just tell the Dark Lord you decline the offer of being headmaster, tell him you have more important things to do."
"No, for reasons that should be obvious to you! Whatever amount of students that are actually returning will need to be protected."
"That's not up to you! Albus Dumbledore is dead! You don't have to play the role of professor anymore. Stay here, Severus."
They stared at each other for a moment, none of them backing down against their argument.
"Look, Narcissa, even if I do what you ask, do you really think the Dark Lord would allow me to walk away alive after defying an order from him?"
"If he orders you to jump off a cliff would you do it then!" Narcissa hissed.
"Not without a plan in place…" was all Severus said before walking away, then throwing over his shoulder, "I'm going to Hogwarts and that is that, Draco could either come with me or he stays here with you."
Narcissa only shook her head with frustration, then walked back towards the manor, her green robes billowing out around her.
All Severus could do was watch her go with frustration building up inside of him for what she was demanding him to do… Is she mad? To go against the Dark Lord's orders so openly? Narcissa made it sound so easy, it was reckless. It would only result in Severus losing his life, and he was determined not to lose it just yet. He worked too hard to get here, risked everything and more than what he was willing to give up, just to climb the highest of the Dark Lord's ranks. And he wasn't going to throw it all away for Narcissa, just to make her feel better. Draco either comes with Severus to Hogwarts or he stays here with his parents, with the Dark Lord sitting on his make-shift throne in their dining room. Severus wondered not for the first time if becoming allies with Narcissa had been a smart decision on his part.
Severus continued to walk alone in the never-ending maze of white roses. Their soft petals lit up by the bright iridescent glow of the lanterns hung up on a post at every corner. When Severus was younger and had first visited Malfoy Manor after dark, he was impressed. He couldn't get over how beautiful this garden was, always admiring the lanterns. They were so bright and dazzling, they caused the pathway to sparkle, as if he were walking on starlight. They chased away all of the natural moonlight. That was what Severus liked best about them. He never had to be reminded of his greatest fear. The light of the full-moon.
But now, he wasn't afraid of the full-moon anymore. It was all in the past and now he wondered…
Suddenly, Severus wanted to know what kind of lights they were, and for the very first time, curiosity got the best of him or maybe he was just channeling his son's curious nature, always leading Harry into sticky situations. Severus wasn't sure, but he still stepped off the well-kept starry path. He stepped closer to the light post. The brightness caused him to squint his eyes, and to his shock and to his horror, there were actual fairies trapped inside the glass! Severus stepped back, no longer impressed by the garden's beauty. It was never as it seemed, he realized. It was only a cold beauty hiding the true cruelties of imprisonment.
Maybe if he figured this out when he was younger, Severus wouldn't have been bothered about trapped fairies. Maybe he wouldn't have cared, but after everything that has happened. Because of this war, Severus knew what it felt like to be trapped because of what he could offer. Knew what it felt like to be used. He might as well have been trapped with the poor fairies in their glass jars…
Twinkling muggle Christmas lights, red, green, blue and yellow. The way those colors reflected in hazel-green eyes, the color of leaves turning brown. A sign of summer changing into fall. That was the beauty that took Severus' breath away these days. Hearing a wolf's lonely howl on the night of a full-moon. The gold that could be found in deep amber eyes. Gold that came to light everytime the sun would cast its rays on soft light-brown hair. The sounds of pages turning, of chocolate breaking apart, of cream and sugar being stirred into coffee. Holding on tightly to the person most dear to him… Severus craved that sort of rare beauty, and he couldn't believe that he had once been so afraid of it…
So afraid of the moonlight, that he once thought this icy and cold garden was beautiful for chasing it away.
He focused on that rare beauty that once was his to hold, he focused on his pain of losing it, allowed himself to become breathless with it… It felt safe and comforting and real, reminding Severus that he was still himself, that he wasn't a complete monster. His soul was still there, still hurting, still glowing underneath the darkness in the form of white roses and sparkling lanterns and starry pathways.
The color of his soul…he imagined it as the color of silvery moonlight, the only thing that Severus knew was still keeping him alive. Because if he didn't have that, there really was nothing stopping him from defying the Dark Lord's orders. If he really did want to just end it all… The opportunity was there.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And thank you all for reading! Next update will be at the end of January!
Review Answers:
Imaginer.012: Thank you for always reviewing! I know, I miss writing about them being a cute happy family, but a lot of things need to happen first before they could be together again. I sure do love writing Harry angst, so there will always be plenty of that lol
CityGirl7768: I'm sorry! Haha! Thank you for hanging in there through all of my angsty writing! Each chapter is going to get better for them, I promise! And thank you for telling me all of the parts you liked about my story! I really appreciate your insight on it.
bluemoonwrites: I'm so glad you like that last scene, after reading everyone's reviews, it has become quite popular and I'm so glad for it because it was hard to write lol. I'm so grateful for your wonderful compliments, for your review and appreciation and thoughts on it! Thank you for your kind words!
JJReeves17: Thank you for loving my story as much as I do, I'm honored to hear it. Thank you for reading it and taking the time to tell me! I really appreciate it!