Chapter Thirteen - Don't Carry The World Upon Your Shoulders
A/N: I added a small part of Severus bringing the mirror into Grimmauld Place in the last chapter, so it can make sense for this chapter. You'll see when you read lol
August started with days filled with nothing but planning for the next full-moon. Keeping busy with his new mission was the only thing Remus could do to keep himself from losing his mind with worry for Harry, with all of the questions that filled him up with their torturous repetitive echoes…
Is Harry eating? Is he safe? Is he hurt? Are his friends still with them? Has he been reading the prophet? Does Harry know that he is wanted, that they are blaming him on Dumbledore's death? And what is this mission that he is on? Why was it so important?
Remus was tired of not knowing anything about it. Tired of not knowing how dangerous it could be. How long it was going to take, and when the next time he would be able to see his cub again, if he ever would.
If something were to happen to Harry on this mysterious mission, Remus knew he wasn't going to be able to take that. He wasn't going to be able to live with himself or pull himself out from that sort of pain, for allowing Harry out of his sight again and again, for allowing his cub to get hurt over and over… And with that, Remus found himself vowing to himself that he was going to find Harry, no matter what Kingsley had stated about Harry being safer with them not knowing where he was… Remus was still going to find him.
He just had to know at least where his son was and beg on his knees to Harry one more time, to allow him to take part on the mission. If Remus couldn't pull Harry out of the danger, then maybe he could at least be there to protect him.
But finding Harry, Remus knew it was going to be difficult. It had come to Remus' recent attention that Death Eaters were trailing him. He wasn't sure who put them up to it. It could've been any one of his enemies. It had resulted in Tonks and her cat Oliver moving to her parent's house just to be safer. She had hated the idea of it, but Remus was still able to convince her with promises to visit whenever he was able to. Tonks had even stopped going to work, the Auror office was a mess and impossible to trust anyone since the infiltration of the Ministry. Even Tonks accepted that she couldn't put herself in danger like that while carrying their unborn child. Remus stayed behind and out of sight, hiding in Tonks' apartment and flooing only to the Burrow for Order meetings and back.
It was unexpected when it came to Remus. He was standing over the kitchen sink in Tonks' apartment, looking out the window as he drank his tea, lost in his thoughts. The apartment was on the fifth floor, so it was nothing but early bright-blue sky. He was lost in his worry for Harry, lost in how much he missed his cub. Lost in the wounds Severus left in him. They hadn't closed up at all, only cleaned up and bandaged up enough to allow Remus to get through each day.
It was an owl that suddenly dotted the sky, bringing Remus back. He furrowed his eyebrows with confusion, putting his tea down so he could open the window. He ducked as the owl swooped in, landing on top of the icebox and sticking its leg out for Remus to take the envelope tied to it.
"Who on earth sent you?" Remus asked as he untied the envelope. Once he managed to do it, the owl took off in a flurry of feathers.
Deeply confused and feeling a bit weary since the envelope had no name or return address, Remus placed it on the counter and pointed his wand to it, making sure there were no nasty surprises waiting for him once he opened it. Once he was done, and he'd done every spell that he could think of and the envelope came out clean every time, it left Remus no choice but to open it with hesitant hands. And what he found, it caused Remus' jaw to drop.
It was a letter…but no…just a second half of a letter…and on it… Remus couldn't believe what he was seeing or understand it at all. It was Lily's handwriting, and there was a torn picture of her red hair, the side of her face. She was laughing at something going on in the other half of the missing piece. Remus flipped over the letter and picture with confusion and even looked in the envelope again to see if he missed anything, but there was nothing else. He went back to the letter, reading the few lines that were on it, discovering it was the end of a letter Lily had once written to Sirius.
This letter… It came from Sirius' room, but from who? Who's at number 12 Grimmauld Place?
And the only answer Remus could think of was Harry. It had to be. He couldn't think of anyone else. The enchantments put up on the house by Moody were to keep enemies and unwanted intruders out, but since Harry was the one who owned the house now, he would have no trouble getting inside, making it a safe place for him, Ron and Hermione to hide in.
A light bulb clicked over Remus' head, because of course! Of course that house was where Harry would go! Because where else would he be safe and hidden?
Remus had never felt more dimwitted than what he was feeling right now for taking so long to realize the obvious answer to where Harry might be. And it was clear to Remus that Harry sending the letter to him was a sign that he wanted him to go to him.
Remus read the old letter over and over again, his cold tea now forgotten on the counter. He pushed the small niggling feeling of his theory being wrong. That it may all just be a trap to get him out in the open, but possible trap or not, Remus still had to go see for himself if Harry was really at Grimmauld Place or not.
.
.
It took Remus three days to lose the Death Eaters tailing him, three days to feel safe enough to use a Disillusionment Charm and go to Grimmauld Place, but only to find, to his frustration, a pair of them keeping watch of the building, causing Remus to resign to even more waiting.
He watched them and the wall where the door of number 12 was supposed to appear. Remus watched until he had an idea, a risky one but worth trying.
He didn't give himself any time to ponder about it either. As soon as the Death Eaters turned towards each other in conversation, Remus took his chance. He Disapparated from his hiding spot, the loud pop of it alerting the Death Eaters, causing them to be distracted as Remus rematerialized on the very top step, causing the door to appear. Before they could turn back towards the door and figure out what was happening, Remus wrenched open the door and threw himself into the entryway of number 12.
The portrait of Walburga Black, Sirius' mother, started screeching out every foul name and word in the book about werewolves and half-breeds. Remus winced at the screeches echoing through the hall and spreading into every room of the house, knowing very well it was alerting his presence to Harry and his friends or whoever else who possibly sent him that letter.
Then if that wasn't enough…
"Severus Snape!"
Remus stepped back towards the closed door, into the darkest part of the shadowy hallway. A chill traveled down his spine at the angry voice of Albus Dumbledore, but he wasn't fooled. He knew it really wasn't the headmaster, it was nothing but one of Moody's brilliant protections for this house. Remus looked up, facing the dusty apparition rising up from the moldy carpet, thoroughly impressed that the enchantment held strong even after Moody's death.
It was still pretty frightening, Remus' heart was pounding as he lifted up his wand and stated softly and calmly, "It was not I who killed you, Albus." Then Remus shot out the counter curse Moody had once shown him, causing the dusty figure to evaporate, sinking back into the carpet.
Before Remus could gather his wits about him, footsteps traveled from the stairs below that led to the basement kitchen, and suddenly Harry was there at the end of the hall.
"Don't move, wand down!" Harry shouted, his voice coming out strong and sure. Remus couldn't have been more proud of his cub for proving to be a formidable opponent.
The portrait continued to scream, piercing Remus' sensitive werewolf eardrums. He felt the wolf whine out with annoyance, causing Remus to quickly imagine its ears flat against its head and its fangs bared from the painful discomfort, before slowly raising his hands and dropping his wand to the ground. He stepped forward, out of the dark corner of the hallway and into the light of the dusty sconces on the wall. Hermione gasped out when she saw who their intruder was. She was now standing with Ron, behind Harry. She raised her wand, finally quieting down Walburga's screaming portrait.
Harry's eyes widened when he saw that it was Remus, his wand shook, but he still held it up.
"Cub, it's me, ask me a question, go on…" Remus encouraged, calmly meeting Harry's hesitant green eyes.
Harry was quiet, seeming to have gone into shock and losing his edge.
"It's okay, cub, ask me a question."
Remus' voice seemed to have jolted Harry back. He straightened himself, gripping his wand firmly again.
"That song you sang to me last summer in your quarters, after I showed you how angry I was with you…sing it."
Even though Remus hadn't sung in so long or written anything or even attempted to fix his guitar, at Harry's request, Remus knew he could do it. He would do it in fact and he smiled at what Harry asked him to do.
"It's been a while since I've sang, do you promise not to curse me if it's a bit off key?"
Ron snorted with laughter and Hermione elbowed him to be more serious.
"Go on," Harry said, his green eyes still on Remus, desperate and reserved and sparkling as if he were torn between wanting to rush into Remus' arms and staying where he was with his wand on his papa.
Remus could see it, and not wanting to keep Harry waiting any longer, he sang…
"Hey Jude, don't make it back, sing a sad song and make it better, remember to let her into your heart and you can start to make it better… And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders…"
Singing again tore at Remus' soul.
He had fallen asleep singing to Severus and when he woke up, the Severus he loved was gone, replaced by this stranger who looked like his boyfriend, who had the same dark eyes, but they were so cold and hard and no longer the familiar warm dark obsidian that reflected the stars.
Would Remus ever again see those eyes? Hear that familiar voice that used to tell him I love you, darling in the middle of the night?
Singing and playing music, creating it, all of it, it only reminded Remus of what had been lost that night. And as he sang, he felt the agony of waking up so confused and lost again with the spot in his bed where Severus had lain still warm.
But he still sang. Remus sang because Harry asked him to.
Then Remus stopped, his voice still echoing in the hall, because Harry had lowered his wand. And it was only a second of them looking at each other, of Harry meeting Remus' eye with a small smile, then saying, "I might have to curse you for being off-key."
Then suddenly Remus wasn't even sure who dashed over to who. Maybe it was him or it was Harry or perhaps even both of them meeting in the middle. Remus didn't know or cared, except for the fact that he was finally holding his son tight after days of not knowing where he was.
All of the questions and worries that swirled around in his head, torturing Remus, finally evaporated and he was at peace again, cupping the back of Harry's head whose face was buried against Remus' shoulder, his arms tight around Remus' waist.
Ron's and Hermione's chatter and laughter suddenly filled the hallway that no longer seemed as dark and dusty as before. All that mattered to Remus was that he finally was seeing with his own eyes that his cub was safe.
And after what felt like ages, they both pulled themselves apart from each other.
They stared at each other, until Remus ran a hand through Harry's messy dark hair, a foolish attempt to try and tame it. "Let's head down to the kitchen so we can talk."
.
.
As soon as they were all seated at the wooden table, Harry across from Remus and Hermione and Ron sitting on each side of them, Remus pulled out a pack of cold butterbeers from his robes. He had managed to pick them up while trying to lose the Death Eaters on his trail. He handed them out as he answered Harry's question on how he found them and how he had gotten inside the house, past the watching Death Eaters.
Remus handed Harry the letter, who took it with a mixture of confusion and awe on his face. Confusion on how Remus ended up with the second half of the letter meant for Sirius and awe at the picture of his mother laughing. Harry suddenly rummaged through his pockets and pulled out a similar torn paper. It took Remus a moment to blink and realize what it was. It was the connecting piece to the letter. Harry placed them together on the table in front of them, all of them studying it with confusion etched onto their faces.
"I found it in Sirius' room days ago, I searched everywhere for the missing piece. Papa, how did you end up with it?"
Remus ran his hand over the letter, deep in thought. "I thought you sent it to me. I thought you were trying to tell me where you were. I thought you wanted me to find you…"
"No, I didn't send this," was all Harry said.
That stung, but Remus didn't show it, and for the life of him, he suddenly couldn't figure out what to say next. A heavy silence settled between them.
Hermione moved her serious gaze to Harry then to Remus. "This means we need to be careful. It means someone knows that we're here, that they know how much you care for each other and tried leading you here, Remus."
"This letter, how did they manage to get the other piece of it if it was in Sirius' room?" Ron asked.
This time it was a horrified silence that followed after Ron's question, all of them realizing it meant someone could've been here without them knowing.
Remus ran a hand through his hair in thought, trying to come up with any other reasonable explanations for what brought them together through the pieces of this letter.
"I'm afraid we are just going to have to leave it as another mystery until it unfolds itself."
He then looked at each of the kids in turn.
"This house, it's hidden and heavily protected, meaning whoever had snuck in here to send me a piece of the letter, most likely had your best intentions at heart if none of the wards alarmed you of their presence."
That seemed to assuage some of the worry from their faces.
"Tell me," Remus went on. "What happened as soon as you three left the Burrow? It really is good to see you again and know that you are safe."
They told Remus everything, about Hermione taking them to Charing Cross road only to find out they were already being followed, and then they came here and had been stuck in hiding ever since because of the Death Eaters standing guard outside.
They all pondered loudly together how they were found so quickly after leaving the Burrow. Remus regretted having no reasonable answers for it, except to debunk one of their theories. It wasn't the underage trace. Harry was seventeen now. The trace was gone. But now that the Ministry was infiltrated, they could be using other illegal ways to do it.
Remus then told them what happened after they left the Burrow, how the Order stood together as they were questioned and how thankfully all of the wedding guests had gone and no one was hurt. Remus kept out the part of himself being burned with silver, not wanting to burden Harry with that or cause him to worry when there was already so much more to worry about.
Remus pulled out the prophet that had been published the morning after the attack on the Ministry and on the Burrow. He laid it out flat on the table, making sure it was facing Harry and pushed it towards him, watching Harry's face as he read the bold headline…
Harry Potter: Undesirable Number One.
Harry just curled his lip with disgust at it.
"This doesn't surprise you?" Remus asked as he watched Harry read the article. There was no fear or surprise in his expression at all, only pure annoyance and anger at what was written.
"Ha, nice mugshot, mate!" Ron chuckled as he read it along with Harry.
"Ronald!" Hermione scowled. "This is serious! Harry is wanted and we are sure to be as good as wanted with him!" When Harry was done, she took the paper and started reading it until she had a similar scowl on her face as Harry's.
"I am being serious about it," Ron rolled his eyes.
Hermione pointedly ignored him, continuing to read the article.
"It's okay, Hermione," Harry said. "Papa is right, I really am not surprised." He then turned his attention towards Remus, a frown on his face, his green eyes darkening. "Severus once told me that I may have to go into hiding if the war gets really bad. He told me to use the cabin as a safe place. He said it was perfect, hardly anyone knows about it, but I can't bring myself to go there. That's home for us, papa, I can't afford to lose that place too. I don't want them to take it from us."
Remus reached out and placed a hand on Harry's own. "Cub…"
Hermione watched them with concern, her fingers fidgeting with the small beaded purse on her lap.
"Severus knew a lot of things, and yes, he chose to keep so much of it from us," Remus continued to Harry. "One day, we'll find out why, trust me, we will."
Harry squeezed Remus' hand at that.
"I think you are right about the cabin," Remus pointed out. "I think it is very wise to stay clear of it. Mind you, I did update the wards, I have no possible doubt of him not ever finding it now, but still, we can't be too careful. Severus is smart, we can't underestimate him, especially that he still knows about it. I think you three were right in hiding here, but it's not going to be safe for long. They know you're here, it would be a matter of time until they find a way to attack.
We have found ourselves now entering into a very dangerous time of the war, soon it's going to end up with the entire Order in hiding. It's going to get harder to trust than it already is. I need you three to remember Moody's rule, constant vigilance, always be on your guard and be prepared to leave at any moment's notice…"
Hermione clutched her purse as he said that, making Remus believe it wasn't a normal purse, but held everything they needed to survive. These boys would be lost without Hermione Granger… he thought to himself.
"Now, Harry," Remus squeezed Harry's hand again, signaling for his attention, and when he had those green eyes finally back on him, he continued, "I know you've made it perfectly clear to me that you cannot reveal what your mission is. I understand that, and I won't ask you about it again. I'm just asking if you have considered me joining you as I've asked, I can assist blindley…"
"No," Harry said so abruptly, instantly pulling his hand out of Remus' grasp, not allowing Remus to finish his proposal.
"Your battles will always be mine, cub, and I'm not stopping you from doing this mission, I'm just offering my help."
Harry scowled at that, turning his face away.
Remus felt himself losing his patience, something that was very rare of him to do. He was known to have an abundance of it. It was what made him such a good professor. But seeing Harry shut him out so quickly, it caused panic to spark within him.
"Did you really think I was going to allow you to disappear without even trying to find you first? Without offering my help to you? I'm your papa now, Harry, I can't let you do this alone!"
"I don't need you protecting me!"
"You're wrong about that. You are seventeen with a mission so big, you can't possibly do it alone. Let me help you with it. Don't carry this all on your own, especially when you don't have to."
Still avoiding Remus' eyes as they spoke to each other, Harry's hands were now balled into tight fists between them. Remus reached out to take his hands again, to help relax them as Severus had done so many times to stop Harry from sinking his nails deep into his palms. It was a habit Harry had often resorted to in calming himself down.
But Harry flinched, instantly moving his hands to his lap.
"I'm not a little kid anymore," he suddenly spat. "You weren't around for that, and now it's too late. I know how to take care of myself without you. I've grown up a long time ago and now you have another kid coming who needs you more than I. If you come with me on this mission, what about Tonks and the baby?"
Taken aback, all Remus could do was stare at Harry with shock, before weakly saying, "Don't worry about them."
Harry looked taken aback by Remus' answer then said, "I see you have another reason for wanting to run off with me on this mission, it isn't just because you want to protect me. You know I can take care of myself. You know what I'm capable of. You've trained me for this…"
"Harry, stop!" Hermione scolded, her brown eyes going back and forth between them with horror.
His jaw clenched with tension, Ron watched in silence. The humor that sparkled in his blue eyes earlier was now gone and replaced with worry and shock.
Harry ignored Hermione, his green eyes now glaring at Remus, waiting for his reaction.
"No, Hermione, let him continue. I want to hear what he has to say," Remus stated with confidence, finally fighting his way out of his shock from Harry's sudden cold treatment towards him. "Go on, cub, I'm here listening."
Harry stiffened at Remus' nickname for him, then straightened himself up as if he were chasing away any hesitations on continuing, as if he were bracing himself for the impact of what he planned on saying to Remus next.
"I think you are using me and this mission to bail on them. It's what you do, Remus, you did it after my parents died. There was nothing ever stopping you from visiting me. Then you did it again after Sirius died, you never checked in on me, instead you were so focused on getting yourself killed on that useless mission!"
Hermione gasped, her face white.
"Mate! Bloody hell, go easy on him!" Ron shouted, but Harry ignored him.
Remus was silent and tense, only listening, as Harry continued...
"Why weren't you more worried about me than? Why now all of a sudden? Why didn't I start to fucking matter to you until now?!"
Harry's shout echoed in the kitchen, then silence followed. Ron and Hermione were staring at Harry as if they suddenly couldn't recognize him.
And all of the reasons that Remus always believed to be valid on why he never went to Privet Drive were all on the tip of his tongue. The first being the obvious, he was a werewolf who would have never been granted custody over the boy-who lived, and Remus was so ashamed of it, and at the time, he couldn't bear to see Harry afraid of him for it. He had really thought Harry was better off with his aunt and uncle, he never believed them to be capable of what they had done. He really believed Dumbledore for assuring him that Harry was safe, but that was just it… Remus believed Dumbledore, took his word for Harry's safety and disappeared from his cub's life and never looked back, never took that extra step to really see for himself on how Harry was faring at Privet Drive. If Remus had though, oh maybe if he had, then things might have turned out so very differently for Harry in the end. They probably wouldn't even be having this type of argument right now.
All of that was ready to be spoken aloud, but Remus found that he couldn't. It all seemed so feeble and pathetic. So he was a werewolf, Harry as a child wouldn't have known that. It was just Remus being too cowardly to go near Harry and face the real life evidence of his grief over losing his best friends. And Dumbledore never ordered Remus nor physically stopped him from visiting Privet Drive, only assured him that Harry was safe. It was the same thing all over after Sirius died as well. Remus had only seen his own pain, his own grief. He hadn't worried about Harry at all when he should've…
Harry was right, completely right, and when Remus verbally admitted that to him, Harry responded to him by looking completely taken aback, probably expecting Remus to storm out.
"I have so many reasons why I've never visited you, why it seems as if I didn't start caring about you until recently, but I know you don't want to hear it… Harry, I love you very much, all of that doesn't change anything…"
Harry shook his head with a deep frown, signalling to Remus that he was right, he didn't want to hear it. "Tell me I'm wrong in my suspicions. Tell me that a part of you hasn't thought about running away from them."
Remus stared at Harry for a moment, his mind suddenly blank, not quite believing that Harry was actually talking to him like this. He got up from his seat, going to the sink to pour himself a glass of water. He could feel the eyes of Harry, Ron and Hermione on his back, waiting for him to say something.
He never really thought about leaving Tonks and their baby alone while doing his mission for the Order on finding the missing werewolves or of finding Harry to offer his help. It was just something he had to do. Leaving them was never the reason, but now that he thought of it, thinking about Tonks, he never thought how his absences would affect her. He assumed she would be okay with her parents, she wasn't alone and it wasn't as if they were married or anything.
But still…she's carrying your child… That small voice from his conscious echoed in Remus' head. It was right of course, and he thought of the baby, his child growing up without knowing their father. He really didn't want that. He knew the pain of having an absent father, he couldn't bear turning out just like him. Remus wanted better for his own child.
But what choice did he have?
And now that Harry asked him that question, the fears he had, they came back to the surface from the furthest corners of his mind. And mulling them over, he realized the answer was there, waiting all along to show its ugly truth. The mission for the Order and Harry's mission, they could take months, years even, they could very well lead him to his own death.
Yes… Remus found himself realizing with shame. I'm leaving Tonks and the baby… They'll be better off anyway…
Because of the idea of that child growing up with the shame of having a werewolf as a father wasn't reason enough to run from them, it was Remus being destined to be the leader of not just an ordinary werewolf pack, but leader to the most dangerous and bloodthirsty pack in all of Great Britain.
What the fuck had he been thinking? That he might have a chance at playing happy family with Tonks when all he was really doing was putting her and the baby in danger? It would only be a matter of time before Greyback and Rowan started going after them. He was sure a child with Remus' blood was something they would absolutely want. Staying with Tonks, it was like the freshest scent trail to Remus' enemies finding their baby. It was better she stayed in hiding with her parents, better if Remus stayed away.
He was only trying to keep Tonks and the baby safe. He wasn't leaving them because he wanted to, but how to explain all of those fears to Harry?
And that led to one more thing that Remus was sure of, Harry was only acting like this towards him because he was trying to protect him. He didn't want him on this mission with him, endangering Remus' life, losing Remus to death like his parents and Sirius, but that wasn't Harry's job to do the protecting, it was Remus'.
"Why am I leaving them suddenly so important to you?" Remus asked, finally turning back to face them.
"Because I know how it feels like growing up not knowing who your parents are. It sucks, Remus! I can't allow you to do that to your kid!"
Remus suddenly reached up and touched the scar on his neck. It was covered with a Glamour Charm, but he could still feel the ridges left behind by Rowan's fangs. He tried not to flinch from Harry calling him by his first name again instead of papa, but it hurt greatly, worse than what silver or a wolf bite could ever do to him.
"But think about it, would it really be a loss to them? This child is going to have a werewolf as a father. Harry, I can't have them grow up with that type of burden, especially one that's wanted by Greyback. Me being there with them right now, I fear I would only do more harm than keeping them safe… Maybe it's better if I stay away until the whole thing with Greyback and his pack goes away and until the war ends. The baby will have Tonks and her parents and a happy childhood with them, they won't need me ruining that."
Harry curled his lip with disgust. "I think that's complete rubbish. You're just being a bloody coward. I'm not going to let you use me to run out on your family!"
And that was all Remus could take. He was feeling wretched with himself enough as it was without Harry calling him a coward again, without accusing him of such a terrible thing. He wasn't using Harry to ditch Tonks and the baby, they were fine, they were taken care of. It was Harry who needed him right now. Why couldn't Harry just accept his help without this ugly argument between them? Why couldn't he see that they were still a family without Severus?
Remus was now shaking with frustration. He hadn't realized that Harry had gotten up and was standing in front of him. His green eyes were hot with accusations and anger.
"We don't need you here," Harry stated through gritted teeth.
"Harry, no, I'm not what you're accusing me of, you're my family too, you're my son and I'm not letting you disappear from me," Remus said as calmly as he could, he wasn't going to let Harry push him away like this. He reached out, meaning to bring him closer to him, to get him to see…
Then suddenly Remus was being shoved back with a painful blow to the chest.
"Harry, don't!" Hermione shrieked.
"Mate!" Ron jumped out of his seat and pulled Harry back, grabbing a fistfull of his shirt.
Harry didn't bother shaking Ron off, he shouted to Remus, "We haven't been a family since the night Severus betrayed us! We haven't been a family since the moment you slept with Tonks and started a new one with her! And now you just want to ditch them in the middle of this war? Like how Severus did to us! Don't give me that sob story of them being safer without you! If you're really that dangerous to be around, then why aren't you concerned for my safety with you, or Ron's or Hermione's?!"
Anger mixed with hurt, a fiery hot blaze of it swept through Remus. He didn't know how to deal with it. He felt the wolf growling from underneath his turmoil of emotions, seeing Harry as the enemy, no longer pack. It wanted the ones who called to it. That realization caused Remus' body to shake even harder than it was before. Control was slipping out of Remus' grasp. He was sure his eyes had turned golden, from the gasps let out by Ron and Hermione.
Harry just continued to glare at him with that awful hatred and anger and disgust. "You really are cowardly, Lupin, we can't have that on this mission, I said, leave!"
The echoing cries of Greyback's pack suddenly invaded Remus' mind, they echoed in his ears, and suddenly he felt as if he were being watched by them. He could almost feel their lithe bodies pressing against him, as if they were really there with him in that kitchen. No matter how hard Remus tried to run from them, they were always just behind him. Surrounding him, calling to him, suffocating him.
The wolf howled as if trying to answer them, feeling them too, seeing them too, as if those wolves were a part of Remus already.
That thought freaked Remus out, causing him to shout, wanting to banish them away, and he had no idea what he had done until he heard Hermione scream and Ron cursing.
Remus' vision cleared. The anger went out. Harry's pain-filled shout echoed in the kitchen as Remus suddenly saw him sliding down against the wall.
What the fuck have I done?
Remus realized he had his hand up, fingers splayed out. The evidence of him using wandless magic to throw Harry against the wall.
They could only stare at each other with shock.
Remus' heart was pounding in his ears until he couldn't take the sight of what he had done any longer. He couldn't take the way Harry was looking at him, his eyes full of pain and fear and even a bit of satisfaction, knowing he got his wish. For Remus to leave.
He stepped back, shame wrapped around Remus until it was hard to breathe normally and the corners of his eyes suddenly stung with hot tears. He knew he completely fucked up, and he didn't care if Harry had pushed him to it, he didn't care. It was the very fact that Remus had allowed himself to lose control. Using his magic against Harry, it was just as bad as his uncle hitting Harry, just as bad as Severus striking him with his wand and betraying him.
And through the haze of his and Harry's shared shock and disbelief, Remus remembered one thing…
His mom's radio nestled into his pocket.
He took it out and placed it carefully on the table, then bolted. He felt Harry's eyes on him the whole time, but he couldn't look back, didn't dare to…he just couldn't.
"Remus, don't go!" Hermione called out.
Harry didn't watch his papa walk out. The surge of anger he was feeling towards Remus paralyzed him to where he'd been thrown by him. He reached the back of his head, rubbing the tender spot of where his skull had connected to the wall. He heard the sounds of the kitchen door slamming shut, followed by Remus' footsteps climbing up the stairs and down the hall towards the front door, then hearing that door open and close as well. His papa was gone. That's it, Harry realized. It was over, he and Remus, there was no way they could ever be okay after a fight like that. Warmth stung his eyes, but he didn't let his agony over what he had done show, he was very determined to put up a front for Ron and Hermione that what had just happened, wasn't really affecting him.
Ron stared at him with a shocked expression and wide blue eyes, Harry couldn't look at him
"Mate, what the bloody hell was that?" Ron finally broke their awkward and shocked silence.
Hermione had been looking at the door where Remus had disappeared, as if she were waiting for him to come back. At the sound of Ron finally speaking, she whirled around to face Harry, her hands on her hips. "Harry! How could you talk to him like that, don't you see him as your father now? Where was your respect for Remus? After everything he's done for you!"
"I had to do it," Harry groaned, checking to see if his head wasn't bleeding. "It was the only way to get him to leave.
"But that was so harsh and cruel of you! What you said, I don't think it's true at all. He was just worried for you, he only wanted to help!" Hermione continued to scold him.
Irritation and anger fused together inside of Harry, and before he knew it he was snapping out, "Look, I don't need you lecturing me! I know, okay! I know!"
"Hey, don't speak to her that way!" Ron snapped back, quieting Harry.
Harry covered his face with his hands, rubbing at his scar. It was hurting. He wasn't sure if it was because of the high emotions going on in the room right now, or if it was because of Voldemort.
Hermione knelt down in front of him, her brown eyes suddenly filled with concern. Harry hated it, he just hated when she looked at him like that. He pulled himself up off the floor, heading to the table where the Daily Prophet Remus had left behind caught his attention.
"Harry, are you okay?" Hermione asked, standing up as well.
He stared down at his picture under the headlines Undesirable Number One. Ron was right, it was a good mugshot. He really wasn't surprised either that it had come to him being wanted by the Ministry. It was only a matter of time really, and he was sure his dad had seen it coming too, looking back Harry remembered him always bringing up the possibility of Harry having to go into hiding once the war got bad. He flipped through the pages until he stopped, catching a story by Rita Skeeter on Dumbledore's family, of his sister and growing up in Godric's hollow. The same place Harry had been born. Why hadn't he ever told them that?
"I didn't want to do it, but I had to. He shouldn't… He shouldn't just leave his kid like that. He needs to be with his family, not here with me endangering his life. It's better this way, safer, I can't lose him too, just like everyone else… I can't, Hermione."
Everyone else really meant Severus, but Harry didn't dare admit that.
But he had a feeling she knew.
"Harry…" Hermione only said with sympathy.
"You still shouldn't have said all of that to Lupin," Ron frowned.
"Yeah, I know, but at least he's going back with Tonks and their baby. Parents shouldn't leave their kids… It sucks, okay, it really sucks…"
Ron shook his head, "Harry, why the hell are you seeing Remus as your dad, calling him papa, if you're suddenly not seeing yourself as his kid too? He wasn't trying to leave his kid, he wasn't trying to leave you. He was trying to offer his help to you, you're the one who made him leave!"
"The baby he is having with Tonks has his blood whereas I'm just…" Harry stopped, Ron wouldn't understand. He couldn't. He grew up with the perfect family, perfect parents, perfect home. Everything that Harry had longed for his whole life. Everything Voldemort had robbed him of. Everything Severus had promised to him, then taken away. "Look… I just need to be alone… I'm sorry…"
Ron and Hermione went silent. Harry knew they were exchanging those irritating conversational looks. They had those all the time without him, and mostly he knew those silent exchanges were about him.
"I'm not going to bloody cut myself, if that's what you guys are worried about!" Harry scowled as he started reading the article. "I just need to be alone."
Hermione sighed out, "Alright, Harry, we'll be upstairs in the parlor. Join us when you're ready. Come on, Ron."
Ron silently followed her, and just like with Remus, he didn't watch them leave, only heard their footsteps as he continued to try reading the article. Once he was done, he shoved it away, feeling worse than ever before now. There was just so much he didn't know about Dumbledore and he hated that he was learning it through Rita Skeeter.
It was something he could have asked his papa about, before he forced him to leave, Harry realized with regret.
His eyes landed on the radio Remus had left before storming out. It had been a gift for Harry's birthday and accidentally left behind when they were forced to leave the Burrow so suddenly. He had missed it as they hid in Grimmauld Place. Harry had wanted to go back to get it, but it was stupid and reckless to do so.
Remus…his papa found a way back to Harry and brought the radio. He came here with the intention to help Harry as much as he could no matter the cost… He chose Harry over the baby and Tonks…even if there was a small part of Remus using Harry to leave his responsibilities… He chose to leave them, he chose Harry… It was still them against the world… A promise to Harry that Remus was only trying to keep… A few warm tears finally escaped him, Harry angrily brushed them away. Picking up the radio and turning it on, hearing the static of the wizarding network fill the silent kitchen, until he landed on Celestina Warbeck. It reminded Harry of Mrs. Weasley playing it in the kitchen at the Burrow. He hated to think how worried she was for him, Ron and Hermione. He placed the small radio back on the table, staring at it, lost in his thoughts with the music in the background.
The shock of what Harry had said to Remus, the shock of how his papa reacted… None of that had been really true at all, but of course he's thought of it. He just never meant for Remus to ever know his deepest insecurities. It was just the only way he could think of to really push Remus out of the house and away from him and the mission as far as Harry could. He didn't want his papa getting into the middle of this, and Dumbledore's order had been clear and strict, don't allow anyone to know about the mission besides Ron and Hermione, for fear of it going to Voldemort that they were hunting down his horcruxes.
But still it was hard to have Remus walk out like that, to see the horror in his golden-flecked eyes, to see the wolf appear on his face, all caused by Harry, and he wondered if his papa would ever forgive him for hurting him like that, for just being so cruel to him, after everything they had gone through together, after everything they've talked about, how could Harry have thrown all of that back in his face? Harry wondered if they were ever going to be okay again. He didn't care that Remus had thrown him to the wall, that he lost his control and used magic to hurt Harry back. Harry had been so horrible to him, he deserved it, he drove his papa to do it. He wasn't mad at Remus at all for it, just shaken that he actually did lose control. That Remus could be driven to hurt him…
Harry suddenly searched his pockets with shaking hands, feeling something digging into his thigh, pulling him out of his thoughts. It was a broken piece of mirror.
He had found it under the bed when he was searching Sirius' room for the other half of his mother's letter. It shocked Harry to find it. For a moment everything had stilled and he could hear the blood rushing to his head with shock and confusion and maybe a bit of fear, because the last time he had seen this broken piece of mirror, it had been last summer when Severus had gone through his trunk, taking away anything that was deemed too dangerous for Harry to cut himself with. The questions… How did it end up here? Has Severus been here? Did he leave this here? Or was it Dumbledore? passed through Harry once again. He couldn't think of any other explanations. He was certain this mirror was his. It had been in his trunk before it was taken away, then in Severus' possession. But he, Hermione and Ron had searched the entire room and the entire house of anyone possibly being here until they were sure it was just them alone. None of this made any sense. The wards would've gone off if his dad had really snuck in here. And if he did, why? Why leave this behind instead of killing Harry and his friends in their sleep?
Harry looked into the broken piece of mirror, only seeing the reflection of his bright-green eye, wondering what this could mean, and wishing he was close to any idea that may be an answer to any of his questions. Wishing that he'd shown this to his papa, asked him about it, confided in him, allowed him to join him on this mission instead of pushing him away. Having Remus here would've been a huge help actually, and Harry wanted to just go and find him, bring him back, apologize to him, but that could never happen. With an ache in his heart, he wished for his dad to just walk into this kitchen and kneel down in front of Harry and just hug him, to just explain everything to him. Why he did what he did that night, why he betrayed them. To answer Harry's questions about the reappearance of this broken piece of mirror. Was it really Severus that left it behind? He just didn't know. And if it was him, what could it mean? Harry wished for Dumbledore to just be alive again, to just walk in here and help him with this mission, to explain to Harry about his mysterious past and answer all of the questions he left behind after his death.
And wishing for all of that, wishing for the impossible, Harry suddenly felt very alone in the kitchen. Guilt for how he treated Ron and Hermione nagged at him.
What he wouldn't give for things to just go back to the way it was just months ago. His dad used to tell him to not grow up so fast, to not worry about joining the war, to enjoy what little time he had left of being a kid. Now, Harry wished he listened to him instead of getting angry at him for it… He just wanted both of his dads to be here. Harry fingered the sharp edges of the mirror. A part of him just wanted to press it to his arm and cut, to relieve all of his tension and anxiety inside of him. He wanted to so very much, but he couldn't cut himself anymore, there was an important task he had to do now. Dumbledore was relying on him, the entire wizarding world was relying on him to rid them of Voldemort.
And just in a flash that had Harry thinking that he was suddenly going mad, he saw blue eyes, eyes that looked exactly how Dumbledore's had. Harry blinked, thinking he was either going mad or that maybe one of his wishes came true, but no matter how long he stared at the mirror, there were only his bright-green eyes staring back at him.
Suddenly a crash startled Harry, causing him to look up towards the source of the sound, thinking for a second that his papa had come back. His heart leapt at the thought of that, ready to apologize for everything he said, but then the bundle of dark smelling robes of the person that appeared paired with… "Kreacher?" Harry exclaimed, he quickly shut off the radio as he took in the scene before him of Kreacher holding Mundungus down to the floor.
"Oi! You little wretch, get off me!" Mundungus shouted.
Harry leapt out of his seat, wand out and pointed to the thief.
"Ron! Hermione!" Harry shouted towards the stairs. "Get back down here!" Their footsteps answered him right away.
Calling him back from Hogwarts, Harry had sent Kreacher on Mundungus' tail a while ago to find out what he had done with the real locket of Slytherin. During the days that passed at Grimmauld Place, Harry, Hermione and Ron had searched the entire house for it, until coming to the conclusion that the thief must've stolen it. Harry remembered that day last fall in Hogsmeade when he had run into the thief selling a bunch of Sirius' things he nicked from the house. How Harry attacked Mundungus, confronting him, and how Remus had pulled him away from the scene he caused.
Now that Kreacher was back with the thief, now they were going to get answers.
Remus went to the Burrow. It was the only thing he could think of doing through his shocked haze of horror and guilt, and he knew if he didn't come here, he would only find himself drinking in some shady pub. The last thing he needed was him drinking himself into a coma. Remus was scared of that actually happening if he found a bottle in his hands.
Despite the Weasleys knowing he passed their wards, Remus sat down on the back stoop, watching the yellow weeds bending from the wind, unable to go inside and face anyone yet. He knew that once Molly saw his face, she would know something was wrong. Then he would have to explain himself and what on earth would he even say? That he lost control and had thrown Harry against a wall? He couldn't accept it, let alone think about saying it aloud. Remus tucked his still trembling hands into the pockets of his robes.
He couldn't believe what he had done, what Harry had told him. It was true though, at least some of it. Ever since Severus betrayed them, Remus and Harry had started falling apart. And Harry was right about Remus acting like a coward. Vector had also called him out on it, so why did it affect him so much that he lost control? Him being cowardly was no surprise to Remus. He shouldn't have lost control, especially with Harry's past of abuse. Then to make things worse, Remus just left him behind on the floor, possibly triggered and feeling as if he lost Remus just as how he'd lost Severus.
And at that painful and gut-wrenching thought, Remus buried his head into his lap, suddenly letting out a muffled shout of frustration and anger he could no longer keep in.
How did everything get so fucked up? No, no, he couldn't leave things like that between them!
Then the tears came, so hot and heavy and full of the wretchedness Remus was feeling inside. He knew he had to go back before Harry and his friends moved again, before they disappeared into hiding and then Remus would never be able to apologize to Harry. He had to go back and make things right, but before Remus could act, the door behind him opened. Remus quickly lifted his head up, wiping away his tears, hoping it wasn't too obvious that he'd been crying.
It was Charlie at the doorway, his face pale, blue eyes wide.
"Charlie, what's happened?" Remus asked, confusion filling his voice, a horrible feeling of fear and dread suddenly erasing away everything else.
"It's Vector! Remus, you have to come with me," Charlie choked out.
.
.
They Apparated at the campsite, and what they found was horrific. Freshly spilt blood was the first thing that hit Remus' senses. It was splattered everywhere. In the dusty ground, the dried grass and foliage of leaves and twigs and branches. The campfire and the tent. Vector's belongings were tossed out all over the place. The ground all scuffed up, and the trunks of nearby trees were charred with black spots. It was all the signs of a duel breaking out, a duel Vector lost.
They searched the campsite, trying to find a trail or any clues to where Vector might have been taken to. Remus kept scenting the air over and over again, each time he was careful and thorough, trying to find scents underneath all of that blood. He pushed the wolf a bit forward, using its strong nose, using its sharp hearing. Catching the sounds of Charlie searching, his footsteps kicking up dirt, and dry foliage cracking underneath him, his voice a muttering stream of shocked curses. The cries and calls of the birds and animals in the forest. The wind shaking the branches of the trees.
Remus felt his fangs begin to grow a bit sharper, he ran his tongue over the pointed edges. And finally, after taking one more deep inhale, Remus caught a few scents he recognized. His wolf whimpered with longing to find them. The pack. This was done by Greyback's pack. The ones who called Remus in his dreams, the ones his wolf so desperately wanted to find. Remus inhaled again, just to be sure…until there it was... The scent was faint, but he was sure it was Rowan. Rowan did this, he led the attack. The thought of that werewolf hurting Vector so viciously, Remus visibly shuddered with horror.
"Remus?" Charlie suddenly hurried over to him.
"It was Rowan," Remus choked out. "He led some werewolves here to attack Vector, I can smell them, it's making mine react to them. I think this confirms they are the ones behind the kidnappings!"
Charlie's face paled at what that meant.
They continued to search the campsite and the area around it for anything else. Remus kept pushing away the memory of his and Vector's last conversation together, until they found a trail with blood speckled on leaves and flattened undergrowth, looking as if Vector had been dragged.
Charlie looked at Remus with apprehension. "We have to follow it," he said.
Remus agreed, and they followed it for a good while, deep into the forest that surrounded Malfoy Manor.
As Remus felt himself break out into a sweat from the summer heat, he walked quickly and carefully as he possibly could with Charlie right behind him. Vector had been right, completely right. The argument they had, the words Vector threw at Remus, echoed in his head. It was supposed to be Remus at this campsite, keeping an eye on Greyback and Rowan. It was a dangerous mission, too dangerous for anyone to do but Remus. If there was any chance of Vector possibly being alive, even with that much blood, Remus feared what the pack would do to him, what they would turn him into during the next full-moon.
Remus had to find Vector. He couldn't allow his friend to get lost like this. And if it was too late, if he survived this attack and came out as a new werewolf, Remus was going to make it his mission to help Vector through it, because this was on him, and Remus was never going to forgive himself for this. Vector's life was either lost or changed forever because of his cowardice.
Harry wasn't wrong to call Remus a coward, and maybe he wasn't wrong in saying all of those horrible things… It was time to own up to his responsibilities and stop using Harry to hide behind. And Harry made it so very clear to him that he didn't want Remus to join him on Dumbledore's mission, so then Remus was going to leave him to it, even though it was the hardest thing to do, the hardest thing to accept, to allow Harry to disappear from him, but he knew that Harry had Hermione and Ron with him, the only thing that Remus clung on to, that took away a chink of the panic and fear for his cub.
And now Remus had another important mission of his own. He was going to find Vector, and to do that, well, Remus was going to have to join his new pack.
"Remus! Over here!"
Startled, Remus ran back to Charlie, the dry leaves and twigs crunching and crackling underneath his feet. He'd been so lost in his thoughts, he missed the trail they were following. Charlie was crouched over the path, looking at a spot of flatten grass and a dark puddle of blood, as if Vector had been lying there injured or dead for quite some time, and Remus realized he hadn't missed it, the trail just ended.
"They must have Disapparated or used a portkey here," Remus said with such terrible defeat.
"Come on," Charlie said, taking Remus' offered hand to stand up, the same terrible defeat swirling in his blue eyes. "We have to call a meeting."
A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Next update should be by April!
Review Answers:
Bluemoonwrites: Yeah this is my goal for this story to follow cannon as much as I can, but writing Severus' and Remus' side to it. Thanks for reviewing!
Imaginer.012: Thank you so much for your review. Yeah this story is so tough and sad to write, I miss writing Chase the Light, when they were all happy and together. But don't worry, this hard part of This is War won't last. Things will look up soon. Just hang in there lol