Ranma of St. Bacchus, Chapter 22
by Chaos Orchid
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Anything-Goes should not mean anything -goes.
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Molesting the Language
"I am but my Mistress Kodachi's humble ninja, major domo," the blindfolded and naked, but for the small towel, Sasuke said. "And even though I am the Kunō clan's only domo, I am still not somebody enough for them to confide in me."
The nude 'Ran' grabbed him under his jaw and almost his throat. It felt good to be able to interact with somebody smaller– 36cm/14" smaller, in fact. (She) threatened to lift his bared butt off the shower stool. "But you said yourself you're a spy. You don't just peep, you eavesdrop! And Kodachi's got a big mouth! So tell me, what do you know about her plans for me!"
"Do you have a French braid? I'm blindfolded, so I cannot see."
"Yes! I'm one of the Black Rose's 'Special Projects'!" Being a 'project' and not a person further upset her!
"Forgive me ahead of time. Forgive me, Yamada-san Ran!" he tried to bow even though (she) was practically strangling him. Then he muttered, "(The dishonorable things I am forced to do.)"
He reached out toward (her) dangling, naked boobs and– tweaked her nipples!
(She) reacted: Throwing the runt molester away from (her) girl-big and sensitive nipples!
The nude man landed in the bathhouse-sized soaking tub: Splash!
(She) screamed like a girl on seeing the amount of hot–nearly scalding hot–water escape the tub and towards her! If any got on (her), the Curse of Long Hair would get (her)! And (she) would become male, too.
"You pervert!"
"I'm not! I'm not!" he bowed so low his blindfold got wet from touching the pool of hot water. "I was just using Anything-Goes!"
"Anything goes…?" That sounded like it was something (she) should know. But the more (her) mind reached for the memory, the further away it got.
"It was the Happosai Ultimate Escape Attack Revised: Women's Version."
"Happosai? Never heard of him!" What kind of creep had the creep been?!
"I learned it from my instructor in invisibility techniques, Master Chingensai. To his shame, he was every bit the equal of Happosai. Not that he showed any shame." Unlike this ninjutsu.
He cried out and ducked and dodged as the shower stool, shower bucket, soap, shampoo bottle and anything else (she) could get (her) hands on was thrown at him!
They all caused hot water to escape the huge tub and (she) was forced to retreat further back. "Hrrm ! Annoying boobs!" (She) then found other bathing supplies to throw! (She) had a strategy: Keep him in the hot water! "Tell me about Kodachi's plan!"
"Her plan is to remain the unchallenged Champion of High School of Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics! And she's a freshman. She has an uphill marathon to still hold that title when she graduates in three-years time!"
"And what about me?! Does Kodachi got the hots for me!?"
"Hots?" His eyes swirled. The less body mass a person has, the sooner they become overheated. And pass out.
"Aw, man!" 'Ran' complained only to (her)self. The runt had fallen face down into the water. And (she) couldn't get near him without stepping on hot water! If she did, the whole, large bathhouse-sized room would quickly become filled with hair! Okay, (her) strategy hadn't been perfect.
Using cold water from a shower wand, (she) diluted the hot water. Hopefully. At least (she) could turn back into a girl with the cold water in her hand. (She) saved the guy and draping him over the rim of the huge tub.
(She) then returned to finish lathering and cleaning (her)self. (She) made sure to keep (her) eyes on the small man whose face was facing the wall of the tub. It helped to keep (her) mind off the scrubbing (she) had to do to (her) groin and the remains of (her) absolute girl-crush on the boy named Ryōga. "I hate hormones!"
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Dressed in middy and knee-length, (She) got out of the bathhouse as soon as (she) could. "Now what?" Oh, right. (She) was exploring St. Hebereke, watching out for places and things (she) could use tactically in a battle! "Ah! There's gotta be a school store!"
(Her) stomach protested, telling (her) it was hungry. "Right! I need food to fill my emotional emptiness. My guard was down and I left myself open to bein' flooded by the Reservoir when the dam broke. I just went more boy-crazy than the girls that broke the dam. (Not surprising. She was absorbing the emotional energy of all a the horde.)
"I wonder if the girls in the cafeteria will bribe me again."
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Without a raincoat, (she) had to be extra cautious. (She) opened the door just wide enough to peek in.
"Yamada-chan!" The voice behind (her) startled (her) so much that (she) stumbled several meters inside. It was Koko. And with her was Ikko. "Don't worry, we forgive you!"
"I haven't," Ikko of the Jajjimento-kai, Morals Committee. She was still wearing black socks and armband.
"You went as gaga as the rest of us, Ikko." Koko was the heavily madeup one. A little bit too many glitter crystals for daytime light. It reminded 'Ran' of (her) own, though less flamboyant, dye job. All of the girls' did.
"I refuse to acknowledge that." It became obvious even to 'Ran' they were emotionally attached at the hips. Perhaps childhood friends.
"So, what do you want to eat, Yamada-chan?" Koko asked. "Breakfast time is over with and lunch doesn't begin for two periods. But we'll see what we can whip up for you."
"And I suggest you hydrate yourself well," Ikko said, looking down at the stain on the knee skirt. "Don't you know anything about feminine hygiene?"
"Hygiene? That was one of the classes I missed yesterday." 'Ran' now thought maybe (she) should have taken it.
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Part of the bribe was (her) having to stay inside the kitchen while they worked. Other girls from 'Ran's homeroom would linger near the opening while they cleaned the cafeteria area. "So, you girls are missin' Japanese History, too. No wonder Ichijō-sensei gave 'me' permission not to attend."
"No," Ikko informed her. "It's divide and conquer. The homeroom that is scheduled to be doing cafeteria duty this period this week is being punished by not having it."
"Instead, they have to take a brutally hard test!" Koko shivered at the thought.
"But we did the same thing…?" 'Ran' asked.
"Our punishment comes later," Ikko told (her).
"In Matsushida's class," Koko said glumly.
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'Ran' was sitting at a table, drinking a bottle of an electrolyte sports drink and eating everything on a cooking surface and covered in fried batter: okonomiyaki. All for (her)!
Koko, Ikko and the rest of the girls surrounded (her). The other part of the bribe was (her) having to listen to them and answer questions. Especially Koko's. "So, tell us: What was it like to molest a naked boy!?"
"Molest?!" After what had happened to (her) in the bathhouse, the word had taken on extra-meaning. "I didn't do that!"
"But you did touch the naked boy!" , "...and lift him!" , "...and carry him!" , "...and hold him!" , "You even had the chance to flirt with him!"
"How did feeling a naked boy make you feel?" asked Ikko, her eyes experiencing something in her imagination.
"Aren't you supposed to be the chairman of the Morals Committee?"
"Ahem, well, 'Know your opponent'. That's basic martial arts operating tactics," Ikko made an almost flawless recovery.
"How did he make me feel?...? I really don't know. Not exactly. I was too swept up in you girls' feelings." It was now like having to watch a movie (she) wasn't interested in. A chick flick? (She) just didn't want to associate (her)self with the female protagonist. Sure, (she) remembered what had happened. And in detail, too. Too much detail, unfortunately.
"Gah!" The romance had almost turned into porn! And there had been tens of girls down in the audience to see (her) getting naked for the guy!
"You do know how it feels!" Ikko said, delighted!
Red-faced, ashamed to have been caught naked–not nude–for maybe the first time in (her) unremembered life, (she) asked, "How, how did it make you girls, uh, um, feel?"
"Jealous, of course!" , "You literally stole the boyfriend we all wanted!" , "We wanted to scratch your eyes out." , "We were all ready to challenge you to martial arts rhythmic gymnastics at the same time." , "MĀRG." , "Mārugu?" , "That's what we're now calling martial ar–" , "Let's not repeat that too long name, again!"
'Ran' was surprised at how the girls were reacting. In (her) mind's eyes, (she) saw how far (she) had come to being naked; then (she) used (her) mental skills to place (her)self down on the ground with the girls looking up at (her). "The rampart!" The rise in roof had saved (her)! They hadn't seen (her) almost become a slut! With a guy!
"You have to get over your fear of it, girl!" Koko told her.
"Take precautions!" Ikko told her.
"But have fun while you're still single!" Koko encouraged. "Don't wait for your honeymoon!"
" 'Hanemūn'?" 'Ran' tested the word out to see if it had any familiarity. "Don't sound Japanese. English, right?"
"The point is, you don't have to be married to go to a love hotel!"
"Take precautions!" Ikko told her.
"You say, don't get married?"
"I didn't say–"
Koko was interrupted by a yelp from 'Ran': "He said he'd have to make me marry him if I made him do it!"
More yelps were heard from the 'other' girls! "Did you see his muscles?!" , "How could I not see physique!" , "And the size of his–" , "He towered over Ran!" , "And how crude his clothes were!" , "We would be disowned if we married him!" , "Cut off without a yen!"
"Hey! Ryōga's gentleman!" 'Ran' felt a need to defend the man who could have taken away (her) honor. "If he shows up here again, remember that! And tell me if he isn't!" (She) stopped eating to smack (her) fist into (her) hand. Martial arts' strength hard.
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Snack time was over, some female camaraderie attained and the (maybe false) hope they will be less likely to hit (her) with hot water. Of course the main reason they hadn't was because they wanted to hear about her time with the naked boy. "Now to find the school store."
"Yamada-san!" an adult's voice called out to her. (She) had been called 'Ran' much more often than 'Yamada', so (she) didn't respond, at first, to the name. What (she) did respond to was the adult's gender: Male!
No, but only because he was a he is an all-girls school! (She) didn't have any thoughts similar to the ones (she) had had with Ryōga! Really! "Yes?"
The twenty-something man was tall– 171cm, 5'7"–blond and goatee-d, blue eyed; with a red beret; black-and-white striped; pull-over shirt; loose, black pants. He looked like a stereotypical French Apache dancer. Not that meant anything to (her), yet. Oh, there was one thing out of character: he had on tai chi shoes, also called kung fu slippers.
"I hav bee-n on ze searsh for you. You hav bee-en escūsed from ze 'ōme Economics, no?"
"Uh, yeah. That's what Kasumi-san, I mean Ōno-sensei, said she was gonna do for me. I'm allergic to home ec."
"Oui! Bon, good. Then you nee-ed ze substitute class! I am that: Your teeacher! Come! Follōw me!"
"Uh, what class do you teach, Teach…-er?"
"You wīll discovarr ze answer in ze Arts and Entertainment Annex."
"The annex.
"The Annex! Is my homeroom bein' changed?(!)"
"I hav not 'eard."
"Aw, man! I'll gotta waste ten minutes commutin' to and from my homeroom. Ten minutes wasted!"
"I shall shōw you ze, 'ow you say, ze 'shortest of cuts'."
They were passing Matsushiba. Until she ordered them to, "Halt!" They did. Without looking, she ordered, "Endo Yukio, stop pretending to be French. You are Japanese and should be proud of it! Besides, nobody can understand that terrible accent of yours. And your writing is worse."
"Yes, Matsushiba-senpai!" he bowed.
"Now, get along to your Charm class!"
"CHARM CLASS!" 'Ran' cried!
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NOTES:
Master Chingensai appeared in S3E10 of anime canon, "Final Facedown! Happosai vs. The Invisible Man". And he taught Soun and Genma only the most basic of ninjutsu hiding techniques. It turned out he was just a very hairy version of the evil master, Happosai.
Endo Yukio won the 1966 World Championship in floor and horizontal bar. Two other Japanese gymnasts won the gold and bronze. Endo Yukio is supposed to represent the S05E11 "A Leotard is a Girl's Burden", where Kodachi was defeated by men frustrated because there was no officially recognized Men's Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics.