Chapter 8
It felt a little melodramatic to say Inuyasha didn't like himself. But here he was, donning new pillowcases, listening intently to the sounds of Kagome showering in his ensuite. It had been the perfect opportunity to change his bedding despite how unmannerly it felt. As soon as he heard the shower start up, he rose from his kitchen table with a pounce. He felt like a pervert, stooping to a Miroku level of low as he visualized the water running down her body. It was practically impossible not to though, given how close he was to her, given how loud her movements were in a porcelain and stone box that magnified every little noise she made. It's like he could sense every single waterdrop that fell on her body or flung from her hair. When Kagome started humming, he closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He felt the soft murmur of her vocal chords vibrating in his ears like a whisper intended directly for him. It had a shudder tracing his spine that he tried to shake off.
Inuyasha opened his eyes with a start and grit his teeth.
For fuck's sake, this woman was going to be the death of him.
Here he was, with an irrefutable draw to her, and in the greatest Fuck You, Inuyasha from the universe, she was naked in his bathroom, mere feet from where he stood. Saner men had gone crazy over lesser things. He could barely go a few seconds without pausing or slowing to turn his eyes to the door.
That goddamn door.
It was the shittiest, weakest, yet most impenetrable opponent Inuyasha had ever faced. The lure to check if she locked the door was one of the greatest pulls he'd ever felt. He had tried really hard to be a gentleman and not listen when she undressed, but the sounds of material scuffing her skin and clothing falling to the floor had all but shouted at him. Especially the gratified little moan she hummed when he heard her unclasp her bra. Silence had followed the softest sound of fingertips caressing skin before the pillowy slap of material on cold ceramic tile. His overactive imagination had no problem whatsoever envisioning her cold and perky before drawing back the curtain. He grew flustered and hard at the noise she made when her body entered the confined blanket of steam and hot water.
In his shower. Kagome was in his shower.
Behind a door that would take literally no effort to break down.
Did she lock the door?
Did it matter? He wasn't going anywhere near that damn door. His demon blood couldn't be trusted.
Fuck, he felt helpless. Inuyasha couldn't remember the last time he hated his demon senses more.
A content, moaning sigh crooned from behind the closed door and Inuyasha's cheeks ignited with a severe blush. He swallowed down a groan of self-loathing. One last look at the closed door and then he redirected his attention to the bed.
He wasn't even sure why the hell he was committed to this task in the first place. His demon blood was earsplitting with desire to physically claim Kagome. But Inuyasha was at war with himself. He didn't know how he was going to go through with this. He wished she didn't have to be so goddamn attractive. Everything she did was magnetizing, brightening. Having Kagome in his life, Inuyasha didn't think he'd ever encounter a mundane, bleak activity ever again. Making the bed to Kagome humming happily in the shower? He'd never put off making the bed again.
She sighed a breathy, little feminine sound that had another shiver spiking down his spine, and Inuyasha threw the pillow sham at the headboard in frustration.
He was going crazy here. She wasn't even trying and she was getting under his skin.
Mine, mine, mine, his demon blood chanted.
Mistake, mistake, mistake, came the echo.
His movements slowed to a pause as Inuyasha thought about how he almost sabotaged things with Kagome at the restaurant by belabouring the one-night stand. He thought about the way he kept dangling answers in front of her face, how he purposefully tried to annoy her into dropping the mate conversation. It had him remembering another reason why he disliked himself. Because even though Inuyasha was starved for happiness, it was too easy to thwart any possibility of it under the guise of doing himself a favour.
It was why he didn't hold himself back from being rude when they first met.
It was why he pointed at himself during that stupid game, like the admission could be enough to freak her out.
It was why the fear in his heart echoed with relief when Kikyou took that stupid microphone and had Kagome running away from him.
It was why he gave in to the desire to be an asshole in the restroom, antagonizing her into frustration.
It was why he had gone back on his word to give her privacy to shower, in hopes she'd catch him and maybe get pissed enough to leave.
He wanted Kagome and the promise of happiness she could bring into his life. But happiness for a hanyou was too good to be true, and the sooner he could prove Kagome wasn't his Happily Ever After, the sooner he could get on with his long, lonely life.
Relationships between demons and humans were always fated to end horribly. After all, look at Inuyasha's non-mated parents.
Back then, the magic words to bind mates' lifespans weren't readily accessible; they were obtained from clan figureheads when they gave their blessing to the mated pair. The words were withheld from Inuyasha's father by prejudiced, human-hating demons. Years later, Inuyasha's human mother, Izayoi, had died at the hands of bigoted, murderous humans and Toga had slowly lost his mind from the grief. He recorded the history of his life to paper as a way of reliving bittersweet times with his lost, unofficial human mate. In his last days, before an ill-fated battle took his life, he had sought vengeance against the clan headman who withheld the words to bind Toga and Izayoi. Having reaped the magic words, Toga logged the incantation away in his journals, never wanting his sons to know the pain of being denied a mate, to know the grief of having to live without the other half of their soul.
Toga and Izayoi weren't the first or only demon-human pairing to end in disaster. Yet, theirs was personal for Inuyasha. Because it was their failed love story that made Inuyasha spend the one hundred and twenty-three years after their deaths looking for belongingness, only to find disappointment.
Long story short, Inuyasha was a fool for thinking Kagome would be it for him. A Happy Ever After with their mate is just not how things go for hanyous. He was a half-demon bastard, she a human, it was doomed to fail before it even got started. It would never work out. The sooner Inuyasha accepted that, the better off he'd be.
Yes, he had demon blood, which meant his birth solidified the existence of a mate for him; yet, if the theme of Inuyasha's life promised one thing it was that Inuyasha wasn't guaranteed a happy ending. No one would willingly bind their life to a hanyou. Who would happily choose to live a cursed existence? No demonesses even wanted to date Inuyasha for fear of ending up pregnant with a half-breed's bastard.
No, there's no way Kagome actually wanted to be with him. She was just naive. Kagome was simply ignorant.
She wanted him because of some dumb fantasy she had as a kid. She wanted him because she didn't know any better.
If she knew him, if she knew what it meant to live as a hanyou's mate, Kagome would know better than to want to be his mate. She was too sweet, too kind, too good to end up with Inuyasha and spend a century, if not more, tangled up in the misery of a hanyou's life. The systemic discrimination, the bigotry, the comments, the looks, the social disadvantages. The new moons for him, which meant an evening of hiding his vulnerability—the one night a month when he was human and his worst self: angry, bitter, dejected. He didn't want Kagome around for that. He also didn't want her signing up for a lifetime of obligation protecting Inuyasha's secret, and Inuyasha fearing not just for his life but now for hers. Because with their lifeforces joined, anyone could harm Kagome to harm him.
He didn't know how the hell it had happened so fast, but Inuyasha knew it from the ache in his stomach and the thunder of his heart.
He loved her.
He knew it from the warmth in his veins, the pang beneath his skin, and the thrum of his demon blood. He'd never known such wanting, such torturous yearning. Jesus, he loved her so much it hurt. Loving Kagome was like a lingering ache after stubbing a toe, like a festering pain that wouldn't go away despite how feverously he rubbed at it. He loved her so much it was fucking suffocating. He didn't think he could stomach claiming her, mating her, for fear this feeling would worsen. This hugeness, this wanton heaviness, was already oppressive. If she were to become his? How did anyone ever think this emotion was good? It was obsessive, all-consuming. Loving Kagome felt like an incurable, unsated craving that just...persisted. He could go crazy from it. Hell, he was going crazy from it. He couldn't live like this. He couldn't breathe like this.
For the first time in his life, Inuyasha could somewhat understand the pain his old man went through when Izayoi died. He understood why wars were started in the name of love. Inuyasha was so in love he understood the need for an outlet, how easy the draw to violence. Or, maybe that was just his demon blood talking.
But how ass-backwards was it that the only way he could truly show her he loved her was to let her go? No matter how many times he thought about it, letting her go was doing her a favour. The only way he could keep her safe, keep her happy, would be to not complete the mating ritual.
And that thought made his blood boil. It made his demon blood rage. She was his to claim and he should.
But in addition to being a fool, Inuyasha was also weak.
Because he was scared to claim her.
He was scared she'd grow to resent him and he'd end up with an even worse broken heart that would, in all likelihood, kill him.
He heard her sharing her childish fantasies with Sango about a Demon Mate, that nonsense that often had adults rolling their eyes endearingly at children for their silliness. Kagome had put being a mate on a pedestal and she had landed Inuyasha, which meant she had only landed herself disappointment. Or, she was going to be disappointed once she realized what it really meant to be a hanyou's mate.
Which is what Inuyasha thought about as he finished making his bed before laying a pair of pajamas out for once Kagome got out of the shower. Yes, they were going to have the mate conversation, but Inuyasha didn't think he could go through with what would be expected to happen after. Marking her. Mating her. Subjecting her to his life.
How the hell was he supposed to tell her all this? Admit to being mates but that he had her best interests at heart by undermining his demon blood and refusing to go through with it?
Between her moaning sighs and humming, Inuyasha was about ready to tear his hair out. Yes, he loved her. Yes, he wanted her to be happy above all else. But she also was driving him fucking insane. Her voice was like a bloody siren song to his demon blood. The more he heard her, the more he wanted her. And the more he wanted her, the more restless his demon blood became.
He needed out of this apartment while she finished showering or he was going to do something he'd regret.
Hot chocolate.
Marshmallows.
Chestnuts.
Kagome's list of solstice demands, he thought with a roll of his eyes. It seemed like a good enough distraction to get him out of the house. Their night out had been cut short thanks to that idiot who spilled her wine all over Kagome. Maybe Inuyasha could run out and grab a few things to make the evening a bit more endurable for Kagome. Maybe it could even be enough to soften the blow when Inuyasha told her he wouldn't—
Inuyasha climbed into his sweater and leather jacket, his destination and intentions set. No need to worry about how the conversation would go until he got to it. Otherwise, he'd run the risk of just not having the discussion at all.
Leaving his apartment to the sounds of Kagome humming in the shower, Inuyasha smiled sadly.
How could he keep her for himself without her growing to hate him? Trick question—he couldn't. Guess that's that then...he'd have to cut her loose.
An admonishing voice in his head considered that maybe she should be allowed to have a say in it, to voice her opinion on the matter. But Inuyasha scoffed loudly at himself and then locked the door behind him.
The wind and snow was a torrent in his face as soon as he stepped out into the night. Recoiling into the collar of his jacket, Inuyasha ran through the mental list of items he planned to pick up from the grocery store. He hoped the repetition of that list would quiet the other thoughts in his mind.
As if a list of three things was enough to keep at bay the overwhelm that was thoughts about the rest of his life and what he was supposed to do with Kagome.
Kagome was a muddle of emotions and nervous energy as she stood beneath the stream of hot water. She'd been clean and wine-free for a few minutes now, but there was a level of protection in the shower that would be lost to her as soon as she shut off the water and drew back the curtain. She had appreciated these few minutes alone to consider the mess of her tangling thoughts.
She breathed deeply. The pleasing scent of Inuyasha's body wash on her skin made her cheeks flush. Kagome liked it probably too much—smelling like him.
Thoughts spinning and twirling with other thoughts, her mind was occupied with Inuyasha. Why he seemed sad and defensive when they breached the subject of mates back at the restaurant. The withdrawn and arguably awkward taxi to his place. Why his apartment looked like he'd just moved in when he'd apparently lived here for almost ten years. His kindness in giving her full use of his bedroom and ensuite. How insanely hot he was without a shirt.
Her emotions felt everywhere and nowhere. All she saw was Inuyasha. All she smelled was Inuyasha. All she could taste was Inuyasha. She'd been a ball of lust following the restaurant, recalling the heat and movement of his lips, the taste of his tongue. Now, she felt softer, all the jagged edges smoothed down from the pressure of a hot shower. She was less lustful amorousness and more thoughtful inquisitiveness.
Her mind wandered, chasing curiosities and questions about Inuyasha. Currently, she found herself wondering what he'd gotten up to while she showered. Then, when she finally emerged from said shower, she wondered what sort of state she'd find him in.
On the cab ride to his apartment, his hand had been loose in its hold of hers no matter how tightly she held him. She tried not to feel ridiculous, panicking that something was wrong from the way he barely held her hand. But then he had seemed more and more reluctant to look at her, and every minute he seemed quieter, more withdrawn. Then Kagome realized, in her panic, she had started to make excuses for him.
He was just nervous to have her over.
He was just apprehensive to open up to her about himself.
He was just scared to talk to her about being mates.
Mates.
In the most backward way, he had confirmed it. It was the most life-changing of conversations, and it had been an indirect dialogue in a restaurant's bathroom. Kagome wanted to burst out with incredulous laughter at the ridiculousness of it.
The skin where her skull connected to her nape began tingling and it had Kagome gazing at the shower curtain over her shoulder. It wasn't uncomfortable, this pins and needles sensation. If anything, it had Kagome cupping her cheeks with a dumb little smile of appreciation. She liked the feeling simply because it was evidence of her connection to Inuyasha. It was a beautiful, little piece of poetry, this invisible tether between their bodies, their hearts, their souls, that tautened when distance was put between them. The faintest of pulls on that line reminded them they were stretching their bond perhaps a bit too far, like the tremor of a fishing line before a bite.
She wondered what he was doing to have triggered the pull.
Together, the tightening pull seemed to say. The universe wanted them together, and it used this sensation in Kagome's skin to remind her of that.
Kagome rubbed the back of her head as her smile grew. The steam built in front of her eyes in response to the increased temperature—her shower turned sauna. Her brain was drifting, worrying, nagging her that she needed to stop worrying, stop panicking.
There was nothing wrong with feeling nervous about having the mate conversation with Inuyasha. Even brides got jitters on their wedding day. The hugeness of change, of selecting a path at a crossroad of life, was always accompanied with some amount of trepidation. That was normal.
What didn't seem normal, however, was how miserable Inuyasha seemed for having found his mate.
Shouldn't that be a happy time for a demon—half or whole? Finding one's mate?
So much about how demons lived revolved around mating. Not that Kagome was an expert on demons, by any means, but she knew they tended to live nomadic lifestyles to increase their chances of locating their mate: traveling as much as possible to get exposure to different people and places; being as social as possible to expand one's network of connections; not settling down in one place until their mate had been found. In the same way many human parents hounded their children about getting good grades to land a good job, demon parents tended to fatigue their kids about what actions they took to locate their mate.
It would have been perfectly normal for Inuyasha to be nervous, anxious, scared even, about finally claiming his mate.
But he acted like finding Kagome was the worst thing to have ever happened to him.
Was it her? Did she do something wrong?
Was Inuyasha disappointed with who the universe had given him as a mate?
This is me wantin' you, he had said as he kissed her. This is me tellin' you that this is not gonna be just one night, even though I know you know that too.
No, she considered, recalling his words from the restroom, maybe the problem wasn't Kagome. A little smirk curled up her lips at the thought Inuyasha seemed interested enough in her.
Interested enough to chase after her and make-out with her in a bus shelter.
Interested enough to invite her back home (her multiple hints and nudges notwithstanding).
Then why? She thought, feeling frustrated. Why does he seem so unhappy about all of this?
Sango gave Kagome the impression Inuyasha had likely lived a life of loneliness and self-preservation as a hanyou. From what Kagome had learned from Inuyasha tonight, Sango's analysis seemed to hit the mark. Inuyasha didn't date. He didn't open himself up to others. And now she was here in his apartment, invading his solitude. Sure, he seemed lonely to Kagome, but maybe Inuyasha liked being alone, preferred it even. Her being here, and the conversation they were going to have, threatened to uproot the rhythm of the rest of his life. Was it possible he resented her for that? For representing a huge change in his life that maybe he didn't even want? Yes, the majority of demons cared deeply about finding and claiming their mates, but that didn't necessarily have to apply to all beings with demon blood.
Kagome never meant to be pushy, but she had been with Inuyasha. She had pushed and nudged and suggested until Inuyasha relented, allowing her into his private space that held no trace of decoration. Like he was afraid of leaving a mark. Like he feared growing attached if he did.
The more Kagome considered that he resented her, that he didn't want a mate, the more she didn't think that was the issue either.
She cleared her mind with a sigh, listening to the sound of water and feeling the pressure of it on her skin. Like the snap of an elastic band, an old demon proverb came to mind: When one lingers in the dark too long, the first signs of light will be painful.
Was that what's going on with Inuyasha?
Did his being a hanyou have him living in the dark? Did he believe he deserved darkness (read: unhappiness) after a lifetime of discrimination? Had he grown comfortable being unhappy? Made decisions in all avenues of his life to reinforce that light equals bad, darkness equals good/safe? People do learn to grow comfortable and complacent in their environments. With time, settling becomes easy.
The more this thought unspooled, the more Kagome's heart resonated, and the more it felt like she was onto something. Kagome's empathetic tendencies hated that Inuyasha could choose to live a half-life, a life lived on the sidelines. It pained her to think he could ever choose unhappiness as a way of protecting himself from greater hurt or disappointment.
He was a good person, a sweet male who had clearly been denied affection simply because of what he is. Her heart ached and Kagome hugged herself, wishing desperately her arms encircled his skin instead of her own.
It felt jarring to Kagome. A few hours ago, she had wanted nothing but a distraction from the Annual Sadness, as she called it. This was a difficult time of year, when the loss of her father rang louder than it seemed to any other time of the year. Sex was the ultimate distraction, and Kagome had been one-track minded at the start of her night, seeking out that distraction. She hadn't expected to run into the rest of her life in the process.
Because that's what Inuyasha was: the rest of her life.
She didn't know how it was possible so soon, but she loved him. Her confidence in that fact was breathtaking. His smile warmed her blood. His presence quieted her restlessness. His roguish hot-headedness sparked an ember inside her. Inuyasha introduced her to a new spectrum of emotions. Like she'd never seen colour before him. Like she didn't know how many shades of happiness existed before him. How much better she felt having him in her life was something Kagome would never recover from. His passion, his sense of humour, his good looks, how friggin' loveable he was—Kagome felt so much for him she could burst from it. His existence was a forceful, new trajectory to the river of her life she'd be helpless to fight, even if she wanted to.
Now that she knew he existed, she'd never be able to live without him.
And with a resoluteness that scared her, Kagome didn't want to know a future without him.
She wanted him. She wanted him so badly.
She wanted to hold him and love him and beat him over the head with happiness. That was the big one for Kagome: she wanted to make him happy.
Sadness clung to his skin. It left a mark in the space he occupied. She heard it in the anxious beat of his heart. It announced itself in the insecure flicker of his eyes. She saw it in the way he held his body when he thought no one noticed him.
But she did.
Kagome saw him, and now she would never unsee him again.
Because he was hers.
While Inuyasha was most certainly not perfect, she was drawn to his imperfections, like she was made with excess to compensate his lack. He was flawed and chipped and rough around the edges and rude, but he was hers and she loved him. Kagome was an inherently happy person, so of course the universe would pick her for him. She was his balance. She would be his light, his sunshine. In the same way too much sun could be problematic, so too was too much rain. Let Inuyasha be the clouds to mellow her heat, for she would be the reprieve in his deluge, the colour at the end of all that grey. They were meant for each other. She and Inuyasha were meant to be together, and Kagome wouldn't rest until he knew that, until he accepted that.
The longer she stood in the shower, her skin turning pink then red from the heat of the water pouring over her, the more determined Kagome became.
Her intuition was telling her there was a long night ahead of her. Not just because it was winter solstice, but because she knew she was going to have her work cut out for her. Something in her brain was nagging at her that her perseverance and her stubbornness would be put to the test tonight.
The hanyou had navigated isolation for over a century, and now Kagome needed to convince him he wasn't alone anymore. He had found his mate, and Kagome was willing, amenable, and ready to be his partner, his accomplice, his shoulder to cry on, his cheerleader, his friend. His mate. She'd be anything he needed her to be. And to get through to him, she would need to be strong and resilient for them both.
Inuyasha was used to fighting for himself, protecting himself, and Kagome suspected she would be fighting against him in order to fight for him, to keep him.
Kagome had seen the fearful, petulant glaze in his eyes when he disclosed overhearing her mention a one-night stand. That had bothered her, because he had also heard her admit to having feelings for him, for suspecting she was his mate. Why would he cling to an earlier comment that should have been irrelevant in the face of this new information? Because Inuyasha was scared. Because Inuyasha doubted the longevity of happiness. To Inuyasha, Kagome probably represented an opportunity he'd never had before—a glimpse at a forever without loneliness—and instead of embracing it, he tried to sabotage it.
Because of course he did! How did she not think of this before? Inuyasha was a self-sabotager. What better way to protect himself from an uncontrollable hurt than by taking things into his own hands? Kagome couldn't break his heart if he broke his own first. It was self-preservation 101.
With a resolution that had her heart thrumming and pulse pounding, Kagome turned off the shower. She listened to the water draining, her heavy breaths echoing in the steam. She clutched her hands to her heart with a determination that made her feel strong.
Inuyasha was deserving of love. He deserved happiness, and she planned to commit the rest of her life to making him happy.
Now she just needed to find a way to convince him of that.
She needed to find a way to convince him to let her love him.
Inuyasha didn't know why he thought about his mom on his walk home from the grocery store. Maybe it was the snow—Izayoi had loved snow.
It had been a while since he allowed his brain to drift with thoughts about Izayoi. It was some time in the eighties that Inuyasha decided it was easier to call her by name than by the title of what she was to him. The past seemed content to partially loosen its death-grip on him if she was just a name rather than his mom, this personification and symbol that would always be significant to him. It had been well over a century since her death, and yet, he felt that familiar pang of anguish in the centre of his chest. He hated how the distance of a previous time meant nothing to his memory; he could recall over a century ago as clearly as his breakfast this morning.
His throat felt thick with regret at the unfulfilled promises he had made her on her deathbed.
She had wanted him to forgive the shortsightedness of humans. She wanted him to live a life in pursuit of love, happiness, and goodness despite his uphill battle in a world that didn't want anything good for half-breeds. She wanted him to find his mate and find peace and comfort in companionship. All else is background noise when one has love, she had said to him, the death rattle not far behind her words.
And like the asshole he was, Inuyasha had held her hand and said he would. He agreed to do all of it. But then again, he was just a kid at the time. So he probably didn't even understand what he had agreed to.
As he entered the lobby of his apartment building, Inuyasha clutched the grocery bag handle tighter in his fist. In his conflict over what to do with Kagome, he hated that a part of his brain (the weak, human part, probably) was trying to convince him to let Kagome in because it would make his mom happy.
Was he tired of the aching loneliness? Duh!
Was he desperate to clutch and nurture a shred of loveliness that could compensate for all the previous, shitty decades of his life? Obviously.
Kagome could be that for him. He knew that. She'd be both his salvation and his damnation. He wanted to love her and keep her, but he knew she'd quickly outgrow the cage that was being a hanyou's mate. And that would leave only resentment where the possibility of love once stood.
As he rode up the elevator to his apartment, he wondered why memories rang loudly in his head: Izayoi's smile; those snippets of seeing his parents together, happy before they were inevitably torn apart. Maybe it was because they had made the decision to be together in spite of everything else. They were denied the ability to fulfill their mating bond, but that didn't discourage them from loving each other and staying together regardless. It certainly didn't stop them from having a kid together!
The fact that they chose to persist despite the hardships had Inuyasha considering that maybe love can't be stunted or contained by a hostile environment.
Perhaps love is fluid. It exists in spite of the parameters and rules that try to govern it. Maybe Inuyasha and Kagome were doomed to fail like his parents were, but maybe that didn't mean he shouldn't try. Even in the face of Izayoi's mortality and the inevitable expiration of their relationship, his parents elected to persevere because they had found love. Inuyasha blinked away his confusion, his heart feeling overwhelmed by the premise that temporary happiness could be worth the pain of its departure.
And now, standing in front of his apartment door, Inuyasha was hesitant to enter. He gripped the bag of marshmallows, hot chocolate powder, and chestnuts in a tight fist. Why was he going through with this? Why was he trying to make Kagome happy? Why did he want to have this conversation with her despite the guarantee it would end with ugliness? Why did he hate the idea of cutting her loose even though he'd be better off for it and she'd be happier because of it in the long run?
Because, he realized, he had grown weary of the voices in his head that prioritized loneliness in the name of self-preservation. He was tired of living in the background noise.
If the walk home had given him any clarity, it was that the universe would only present him with one mate. He would have to be a pretty giant asshole to look that in the face and not give it at least a small chance. He owed it to himself, to her, to give Kagome an opportunity to speak to her piece.
His stomach wrung with nerves and ignorant optimism. His stupid heart wanted to hear Kagome stand up for them. He was desperate to expose all his insecurities to hear her say, in turn, "I don't care about that." In a world that never saw him as an option, Inuyasha wanted to be a choice. He was willing to take the risk and open himself up to Kagome for the slimmest possibility that she would choose him.
Before the night was over, she would come to know the ugliest parts of him, hear his darkest fears and the truth of what the future would have in store for her. And then what? She'd accept him in spite of all that? Love him for it? Turn him down and leave?
Probably that last one. 'Cause if not...well, then she was an idiot. No one would choose a hanyou. Him. No one had ever chosen him.
Either way, the brisk walk in the snow had convinced him that he needed to spill his guts and lay his cards on the table. He loved Kagome and that meant letting her make an informed decision. If she was smart, she'd run for the hills when she learned what being with him had in store for her.
He withheld a sarcastic laugh when he found himself wishing his mate was an idiot. Then they could have that in common at least: mutual big-headed stupidity.
And with that, he opened the door and walked in.
Kagome was in the kitchen searching for his glassware when the door opened and Inuyasha walked in. She paused, cupboard handle in her grip, before her eyes turned to his.
Silence lingered between them as she took in the frown, the deep plunge of his eyebrows like thoughts troubled his mind and wore him down. His hair dripped with melted snow, his ears flicking away the tickling waterdrops. She watched his eyes dive to take in her appearance, noticing how she rolled the pant legs to her ankles to avoid tripping on the excess material, the way his white t-shirt swallowed her whole. What was a crewneck on him circled her neck and fell just below her clavicle. She felt his eyes on her breasts and Kagome flushed, knowing that going braless was a mistake after all. She felt her nipples harden beneath the thick cotton like they were lured by his stare alone. She turned to face him, crossing her arms across her chest protectively.
"Hey," she said in greeting, offering him a small smile.
"Hey," he answered, his eyes slow to meet hers.
Kagome's gaze darted to the bag in his hand. She waited for him to say something else, but Inuyasha was silent and still. He was half-way between worlds, one foot in his mind, the other barely stepping into his apartment.
Weary of their distance and his scowl, Kagome was eager to welcome him home. With a little hop on her feet, she sprung towards him. She caught him off guard as her arms wrapped around his neck. The snow in his hair and on his jacket caused her skin to instantly pucker. A ripple of goosebumps and a shiver devoured her just as Inuyasha's cold hand found her hip. He dropped the plastic bag, which landed on the floor with an echoing thud. His now empty hand cradled the back of her head, drawing her forehead into his throat. A flush on her cheeks, Kagome breathed in deeply, not caring how obviously she appreciated the smell of winter and snow on his skin.
Inuyasha held her in a tight embrace until he felt her shiver and then he was backing up, putting distance between them. The hug was a heartbeat, maybe two. Not enough to moisten Kagome's t-shirt, but enough so that the front of the garment felt chilled with damp. Inuyasha looked displeased, like he hadn't meant to hug her back. Kagome returned his confused expression with her own. Her fingers slid between his, reluctant to let him go. She was hesitant to allow space between them, fearful they'd never reclaim the distance if they permitted any. When his gaze wouldn't meet hers despite her tight hold on his fingers, Kagome took a steadying breath.
"Your hands are cold," she whispered, cradling his hand between both of hers, rubbing warmth into his palm.
"Yeah," he answered, his amber eyes downturned to stare at her grip.
Kagome licked her lips, her voice loud in her head. It took all of her willpower not to tell him off for acting so strangely, to demand he tell her why he was acting like this. Instead, she took a deep breath. Injecting courage into her movements, she released his hand to unzip his leather jacket and then his sweater. Inuyasha's eyes widened as she peeled the wet garments from his shoulders, lowered them down his arms. She chewed her bottom lip once he stood there in a t-shirt that matched hers, except his was black to her white.
Kagome turned to hang his outerwear on one of the large hooks in the wall by the front door.
"You went shopping?" Her voice sounded strange penetrating the silence of the space. She jumped when Inuyasha's shoulder brushed hers so he could lock his apartment door.
"I promised her hot chocolate and chestnuts, didn't I?"
Her eyes snapped to the bag on the floor and then to the amber eyes that were doing their best to smile despite the hardness that loitered there. He was hesitant. Guarded. The unsurety he felt was loud in the space around them.
She reached for his hand, squeezing his fingers in hers. "You braved the snow for me?"
He rolled his eyes alongside a wry smile. "It's not that bad out there."
Kagome scoffed a sound in the back of her throat as she observed the almost white-out conditions through the window in the living room.
Inuyasha had a corner unit. The taupe walls were barren without any sort of personalization in the space. The front entry butted heads with the kitchen and then broadened into a large living room that was more windows than usable wall space. Inuyasha had a recliner armchair and a couch, with a coffee table in front of an entertainment stand that housed a few gaming consoles, books, and a large television. A long hallway off the kitchen led to the main bathroom and two bedrooms, one of which being Inuyasha's with a small ensuite.
Kagome had stood in the quiet, observing his space before Inuyasha got back. She couldn't stomach how empty and cold it felt. There was nothing warm about his apartment, and Kagome had turned away from the living room that had minimal life to it. She had hugged herself, deciding to grab herself a glass of water. That was how Inuyasha found her when he came back.
She stood with her fists clenched at her sides as she watched him unpack the grocery bag and line the items up on the counter. So badly she wanted to jump right into the conversation about being mates, wanting to understand the mating ritual and the role she needed to play to bind their lives together. But the severe look on Inuyasha's face, the obvious conflict that warred in his mind from that expression, had Kagome instead saying, "Thank you for the pajamas."
He snorted a laugh, his back to her. "Sorry they don't fit you better."
Kagome smiled at that, looking down at herself. "Could've been worse."
"Worse how?" He cast a brief glance at her over his shoulder.
She shrugged. "They could've been too small." Inuyasha made a noise deep in his throat that Kagome wanted to believe was a laugh, but she wasn't sure. Reminding herself of her vow for resilience and caring perseverance, Kagome approached the hanyou and leaned her hip against the counter beside him. She placed a palm between his shoulder blades, frowning when he stiffened beneath her touch. "You look like something is bothering you."
"Do I?"
"You do."
Inuyasha hummed a thoughtful sound. There was a lingering silence as the hanyou stared at the items on the counter and Kagome's eyes lingered on the side of his face. Eventually, he said, "Maybe I'm just conflicted 'cause I don't know how to roast chestnuts."
Kagome laughed in spite of herself. The hand on his back lowered, her fingers intertwining with his as pink coated her cheeks with her forwardness. "Don't worry, I do." Then, after a deep breath, "I can tell you're troubled, Inuyasha," she said quietly, her eyes low. "And I'd like to help, but—" She paused, her confidence faltering when his eyes snapped to hers. She licked her lips and pushed forward. "I can't imagine what you must be feeling or thinking about all of this. But...I...I'd like to—"
"We still talkin' about chestnuts, Kagome, or...?"
She laughed an embarrassed little breath, distracting herself by tracing the shape of his fingernails—claws rather. "I don't know how to do this, Inuyasha," she sighed after a few moments of silence.
He turned to face her, his hip against the counter and his grip steadier on her hand. "Do what?"
"Not be insensitive. I want to be respectful that maybe talking about what we need to talk about isn't easy for you, but it's hard for me not to jump right in to talk to you about what I wanna talk about."
He exhaled loudly. "You mean where we left off in the restroom?"
Kagome closed her eyes and took a deep breath, inhaling bravery into her voice. "Yes." Deciding her fingers needed a more effective distraction, Kagome dropped his hand and reached for the container of hot chocolate mix. She removed the lid and peeled off the protective foil. The cupboard still open from her previous explorations, she collected two plain, white porcelain mugs and set them on the counter.
Inuyasha was silent a moment, his eyes sternly focused on the mugs. Then he said softly, "Just say what's on your mind, Kagome."
"Okay." She swallowed loudly. She didn't have the guts to look at him. "Are...are we really mates?" Her voice didn't echo, but it honestly may as well have given how loudly her brain replayed those words over and over and over until Inuyasha finally put her out of her misery with an answer.
"Yeah."
Kagome swallowed again. She wasn't looking at him and she suspected he wasn't looking at her either. "When did you real—?"
"I knew for sure after that first kiss. I suspected it before that though." His words sounded more and more melancholy with each new syllable.
She closed her eyes, placing her palms on the counter to steady herself. The coolness of the granite felt good, firm, stabilizing. "You...you don't seem...?"
"I don't seem what?"
The edge in his voice had Kagome turning towards him, her eyes widening to see the fierce ridges between his brows, the hardened gold that bore into her face. His expression left her feeling small and unsure of herself. "You don't seem happy about it."
He snorted at that, which surprised her. "Sorry I didn't respond the way you hoped I would."
Kagome scowled at him. "I wasn't expecting you to act a certain way or not, Inuyasha. Sure, maybe I grew up with presumptions that demons finding their mate was a big deal—God forbid a happy occasion—but I wouldn't have thought you'd look like...this!" She motioned at him with a wave of her hands.
"Look like what, exactly?"
"You look miserable, Inuyasha," she expressed, frustration heavy in her tone. "I'm sorry if you're disappointed or whatever, to get stuck with me of all people, but—"
"What the fuck are you even talking about? I'm not disappointed!"
"Then what's wrong with your face?"
He blinked at her for a moment. The descent of his eyebrows was slow and steep. "My face?"
Kagome sighed hotly. They were getting off topic. "If you don't want me, just say so, and I'll just get my shit and—"
"I didn't say I didn't want you!" He took a step towards her, palm at the ready like he'd mean to grab her if she turned to leave. He sounded flustered.
"You're making me feel that way." Her words clearly made him feel badly because there was a visceral and obvious wince that he seemed to try and pass off as a blink.
From the corner of her eye, she watched him suck his bottom lip between his teeth and chomp down in his discomfort. He looked lost. He honesty looked a little in over his head. Kagome startled when he grabbed her hand and used it to turn her body to face him. She leaned her weight against the counter, maybe two hands worth of space between their bodies.
"I don't know what I'm doin' with you, Kagome."
She stared at the slow draw of his thumb across the back of her hand. "What do you mean?"
He snorted. "I mean just that. I don't know what the fuck I'm doin'. I've never had a mate before—"
"Yeah, obviously," she muttered sarcastically, earning herself an aggravated flick of his eyes at the ceiling.
"—and I've barely had a steady girlfriend, so I don't know how to do this right or do it the way you probably want and—"
Kagome pushed up on her toes to kiss him. It was a soft, delicate little thing. A simple brush of her lips, a graze, honestly. But it shut Inuyasha up as if she had duct taped his mouth closed. "I'm not expecting anything from you, Inuyasha."
His eyes paced between hers like he didn't know what to think about that remark. "Of course you are!"
She frowned. "What does that mean?"
"You obviously are expectin' shit to happen between us!"
"Shit to happen between us?" she mocked, unable to hold back a breath of laughter in her words. "Inuyasha...do...do you not want to be with me or something?"
His eyes widened with vexed incredulity. "Why the hell do you keep jumping to that conclusion, Kagome?"
"Because what else are you giving me to work with here?" she shouted, taking a step back from him. "I'm not expecting any grand gestures or words from you, Inuyasha. But a little acknowledgment of what I am to you and maybe how you feel about that would be nice!"
"You're my mate and I'm overwhelmed as fuck about it. There, happy?"
Kagome growled a sound of irritation in her throat. She put distance between them by heading for his oven to set the temperature for roasting chestnuts. She closed her eyes, listening to the whir of the fan and the click of the element heating. She tapped her nail against the countertop, taking a deep breath to reorient her thoughts. She was thoroughly unsettled. "You're apparently my person," she started saying quietly, "the person I'm supposedly meant for, and you're making me feel like I'm an inconvenience, like an unwelcome surprise. I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed, Inuyasha. I'm sorry if I've worsened that for you in anyway. If you want space to think about this or—"
"Want space? Seriously?"
She flinched at the roar of those three little words that bounced off all the hard surfaces of the kitchen. Kagome exhaled loudly, refusing to let her eyes turn to meet his heated stare. "If you want me to leave, obviously I will."
"Why the hell do you think I want you to leave?"
"Because I don't feel wanted right now, Inuyasha! You went out to get this stuff—" She motioned to the items on the counter— "for me, which was really thoughtful of you. But, but you—"
For fuck's sake, she didn't mean to start crying of all things. Kagome felt disappointed in herself for letting her emotions get the better of her. But she was so frustrated with him, so irritated by her inability to read him that the tears just shot from her eyes like an autonomous response.
The sight of her tears clearly made Inuyasha uncomfortable. To her surprise, however, he didn't inject more space between their bodies. With a couple of lunging steps, he was pulling her into his chest. His arms wrapped around her head, his chin in her hair.
"Kagome, I—Fuck, I didn't mean to—"
"I'm fine," she sighed, her words muffled in the fabric of his t-shirt. Thankfully, she sat around a grand total of half a dozen tears before she felt the sting in her eyes fade.
"You're crying, you idiot! That doesn't mean you're fine. That means you're upset!"
"Because I am upset—" She pushed against his chest to insert space so she could look up at him. "I'm upset with how this conversation with you is going, but I'm fine, Inuyasha. I'll be okay. I'm just...frustrated."
"With me."
"Yes, with you!" She scoffed at him, turning her face away when he tightened his grip around her. "You're not the only one navigating this whole mate thing for the first time too, okay? I don't know how to be a good mate. I need you to tell me what you want."
"What I want?"
The oven beeped, having reached the set temperature, but Inuyasha wouldn't release her when she pushed against his chest. She sighed annoyedly. "What do you want, Inuyasha?" He frowned at her like he didn't understand the question. To clarify her meaning for him, Kagome kept spewing words until she got a reaction out of him. "Like, you obviously don't want me to leave—fine. So what else do you want? Do you want to just hang out tonight and let things soak until you feel like you have a better handle on this? Do you want to talk about being mates? Do you wanna just bypass talking all together and jump straight to the part where we go to your bed—?"
"Kagome! You—you don't actually—"
She blinked up at him with a creased brow when he didn't finish his sentence. He was so flummoxed he couldn't meet her eye. "I don't actually what?"
"You don't actually wanna be my mate, do you?"
She blinked at him a few more times for good measure. His question circled her brain like she had to translate it first before she could answer it. "I—of course I do! Why would you think—?"
"I'm a hanyou, Kagome! I'm not good enough for—"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she interrupted, pushing away from him to grab hold of his shoulders. "Shut up for a second, Inuyasha! What the actual—?" She paused, collecting herself. So it was true. He really didn't think he deserved this, deserved her. "Inuyasha...you heard me. You heard me with Sango. You know I care about you—" She paused to find her words through her blushing embarrassment— "I may have limited human knowledge of what it means to be a mate, but I'm happy enough to explore that with you."
"You...you need to understand, Kagome—" His words were rushed, crowded, clumsy— "You can't...y-you shouldn't want...I'm just a—"
"Inuyasha," whispered Kagome, interrupting him. She palmed his cheek when he looked away, prodding his gaze back to hers. "Do you really think I shouldn't want you because you're a hanyou?" Her voice was quiet, breathy, her words almost non-existent. She had to choke past the question, tears thickening her throat.
He sucked in a sharp breath like the question pained him just as much as it did her. "Kagome, I-I—Yeah, you—"
"You stupid, stupid man!" she cried, cupping his other cheek so she held his face between clammy palms, forcing him to meet her stare. "You listen to me, Inuyasha! I don't care what preconceived notions you have about me or about having a mate, but you better drop that shit immediately, you hear me? You and me? Blank slate! I know you're a half-demon. I may not have a complete grasp on all that entails but I'm not some hanyou's mate, I'm your mate! I want to get to know you. I want you, Inuyasha. You may not want me, but—"
"Of course I want you! How the fuck could I not want you? You are literally everything I've ever fuckin' wanted, alright? The hang up is me, Kagome! You shouldn't want me!"
Her mouth slammed shut so fast she bit her lip. She was breathless, speechless. Her eyes darted between his, her heart spinning itself in winded circles. "Inu—" She licked her lips, tried again— "Inuyasha...I want you." He ripped away from her, stepping back. Kagome followed, taking two steps to counteract his one. His arms hung limply at his sides, and Kagome fastened her slender fingers around his much wider ones. She held firm, expecting him to try and shake off her grip. "I. Want. You. Why don't you believe me?"
"B-because I—"
"Am I really?" she demanded, chin pointed at him indignantly. She clenched her hands in the material of his shirt and tugged him closer to her. "Am I really everything you've ever wanted, Inuyasha?"
"Kagome..." He looked everywhere but at her.
"I want you," she repeated. Kagome pushed up on her toes to kiss him, her fists knotted in his t-shirt. "I want you to make me your mate, Inuyasha." She kissed him again when he tried to speak. "I had this plan where I'd say all this stuff to try and convince you to be with me, but I've decided to hell with that. You clearly need me to be blunt, so here it goes. I think I love you—"
"Kagome!" gasped Inuyasha, amber eyes shaking in their hold on hers. His palms fisted into tight balls at his side.
"—I think I could make you really, really happy if you gave me a chance, Inuyasha." She slid her hands across his jaw until she was cradling his face in her hands. "I think you've grown too comfortable with being on your own, and I'd like to insert myself into your life." She laughed at herself, feeling tears lace her lashes. "I want to only know your happiness. I want to see art on your walls like you're not scared to settle down somewhere. I want your face to friggin' hurt from smiling. I want to hear you laugh at least a dozen times a day because I did something dumb or made a bad joke. I want you to love me like you're scared to lose me—"
"Fuck, Kagome, I already am," he wheezed, resting his forehead against hers. "I already do."
"—I want to be mated to you and I want to be with you, Inuyasha. I want to come up with the most obnoxious pet names that have you rolling your eyes affectionately every time you hear them. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Inuyasha, which is insane," she laughed, "it's bloody crazy because I met you like...four hours ago! But I've never felt more sure of anything in my life. Because you're my mate, Inuyasha. You're meant to be mine and I'm going to stake my claim because I can." She kissed him, panting for breath when he lifted her to the counter and spread her knees to make room for him. "Please tell me you understand," she keened into his mouth between kisses. "Tell me you—"
"Fuck, Kagome, you are the most insufferable fuckin' woman I've ever met. So of course that makes you mine," he laughed, kissing her deeply. "My woman's gotta have a backbone and the biggest fuckin' heart, and you have both, darlin'. I've been waiting my whole goddamn life for you."
"I'm here now," she breathed, canting her head to the assault of his kisses down her throat. "I'm here and I'm so ready to be yours, Inuyasha."
He sighed into the hollow of her throat, making her nipples ache and her core drip with liquid heat. "I need to do right by you, Kagome," he said into her skin. He kissed her throat one more time before he cupped the side of her head to look into her eyes. "I need you to know what bein' with me entails." Her eyes dashed between his, a crease to her brows that he smirked at and ran his fingertips over. "You said you don't know the full picture of what it means to be hanyou. I would never be able to live with myself if I made you mine without knowin' you knew exactly what you'd be gettin' into."
"No, no, Inuyasha," she said eagerly, heatedly, "nothing you could say would—"
"Kagome, please." She flinched, feeling a heat in her cheeks from the intensity of his pleading stare. "I wanna be with you, and I wanna make you mine. But you gotta know what sorta life you'd be signin' up for as a half-demon's mate, alright?"
"Inuyasha, I just want you," she sighed, cupping his cheek, running her thumb across his cheekbone. "Nothing you tell me will change my mind."
He snorted a laugh before pressing his lips tenderly to her forehead, lingering for a moment before leaning away from her. "Then I guess you just get to enjoy story-time."
Kagome sighed, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as he helped her down from the countertop. "Two things first."
He grinned down at her, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm all ears."
"First," she said stubbornly, feeling her resolve falter from the endearing look he gave her, "I want the chestnuts and hot chocolate I was promised. It is solstice after all."
Inuyasha snorted. "She's gotta look after the chestnuts, but I should be able to handle a kid's hot chocolate."
Kagome rolled her eyes then leaned into his chest, pressing her lips to his throat. "Second," she murmured into his skin, "I need you to promise me something."
He looked at her as if a glimmer of doubt or mistrust brewed behind his eyes, but he cleared his throat and said, "And what's that?"
She looked up at him with every bit of tenacity that she could muster. "I will sit back and listen to every little detail you want to share with me, Inuyasha. But I need you to promise me you won't assume I'm going to run away from you. I'm yours, Inuyasha, and you're mine. That means loving you even if things look grim. Humans say for better or for worse, right?" She kissed his throat again. "Share with me your worst, Inuyasha, and promise me you'll let me prove to you that I'll love you in spite of it all."
He didn't answer her with words. Inuyasha stared at her for a moment, several heartbeats passing with nothing but the whir of the oven fan behind them. Then, his head declined and his lips were on hers. Kagome hadn't experienced a kiss with him like this before. It was heartachingly tender, beautiful, sweet, yet passionate. It was emotional. The rolling, nibbling motions of his lips. The sweeping caresses of his tongue. The murmuring hums of pleasure that caught in his throat. The rigid fingers in her hair that pinned her mouth to his.
When his lips released hers, Inuyasha was quick to clear his throat, like he was eager to dispel a wedge of emotion that lodged in his windpipe. His eyes scoured hers, Kagome's face growing red from the intense meaning behind his eyes. "I think you're gonna make it the easiest thing in the goddamn world, Kagome." The comment almost sounded like it wasn't meant for her, like he said it as a passing thought out loud. But Kagome found herself clearing her throat, readying her response.
"What's that?" she asked, when she finally found her voice after that kiss.
"Lovin' you," he said with a soft smile that had Kagome's heart pounding. "I think loving you is gonna be the easiest thing in the whole fuckin' universe."