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Lust for Life
Chapter 10
Gods and Monsters
Tw: Angst. Angst. Angst. You may hate me, you may hate Tobirama, you may even hate Sakura. Please be warned.
Domestic violence warning!
—
"In the land of Gods and Monsters
I was an angel.
Living in the garden of evil."
One week later
The Monster's Chorus
Do you ever notice the way whispers can follow you?
Sakura was never one to notice when people spoke behind her back. She didn't notice the way people were pointing. Whenever she would talk to someone in class, they would scrunch up their face and give her a short response. Clipped. She finally noticed something was wrong pertaining to her on the morning of her anatomy class.
Sakura pressed her forehead against the cool metal of the elevator. Karin messaged her each day which assignments she wanted done. Now between her residency program, aiding for Madara-sensei, and completing Karin's work — she had no time to even think of anything. Her heart was broken. It was probably better this way. She didn't want to see him. Couldn't see him. How could he shatter the entirety of her? The only thing nudging her along was her own stubborn tenacity. She wouldn't jeopardize her prized scholarship over a heartbreak.
God, but it hurt so bad.
He left her on the floor…On the floor!
Of all the things he did, that broke her.
Like a piece of trash, all for his wife. They could have made it. They could have talked to the Dean and explained their situation, but Tobirama refused to do even that. Though how could she expect a different outcome? He would never leave his wife…Mei was not only beautiful — she captured a part of his soul long before Sakura came into the picture. On their first night in her Shishou's office — in his drunken stupor he spoke about the love he held for his wife. He spoke about loving someone who didn't love him anymore. How could Sakura think that she could fix him after a few months? Like a woman stitching a burned dress, it was pointless.
No matter how hard she loved him, it wasn't enough.
He could apologize for a million lifetimes and it wouldn't be enough.
Just the thought of him made her chest unbearably ache. Now she had to see him. Tears threatened to rise. She shook her head, preparing her broken heart to deal with seeing him. If anyone noticed a change in her demeanor, no one said anything. Tsunade would be training her tomorrow, Itama was unusually silent, and again…She had no one.
Too many good things were happening to her. Now the universe saw fit to snatch away the smallest essence of her happiness. Surely, she was a kicking post for whatever gods were out there.
The walk to classroom felt like the stretch to the guillotine. Her campus was a blur of tears as she sniffled her pain away, sucked it into a deep place in the cavity of her chest. Sakura entered that forsaken classroom with her books clutched to her chest. She trained her eyes downward, too scared to look up.
A thundering clap caught everyone's attention.
Just like that, the breath from her lungs was stolen from her.
Everything melted from her view aside from him.
Red-rimmed eyes, looking as disheveled as her — stood the man she loved with the entirety of her being. He stood tall, eyes trained on her. The lure was magnetic. He stared at her as if she were the only person in the room. Dark bags protruded from his eyes, he looked pale, and five o' clock shadow made him look as if he hadn't slept in days.
Maybe he hadn't.
Except now, as her heartbeat echoed in her ears — he looked away.
Dropped her like that piece of trash. As if she didn't exist.
"Class, I wish I could congratulate you on your success for your mid-terms, but no one scored any higher than a ninety percent. Most of you failed, so I will be adding weekly quizzes and essays to hammer in the information since apparently none of you like to study."
One of her classmates raised his hand, "who got the highest score?"
The question caused Tobirama to pause. He gave her classmate a hard stare. Like he was chewing on whether to answer the question. Sakura knew why.
"Haruno-san. Maybe some of you should ask her for help since many of you are failing my class." The compliment felt empty. She hated the way her skin pricked with goosebumps when his tongue slid over the syllables of her last name.
The entire class began to snicker. Low whispers. Some looked back at her, preening like peacocks.
"Figures," a girl at the front of the class snippily replied, loud enough for everyone to hear. She was one of the girls who Sakura had seen walk around campus with Karin. Her name was Rika Nakamura, a really pretty girl with black hair. Technically, she was Karin's best friend. Every time Sakura was coerced into a group, Rika made sure to keep their friend group far away from her. "Maybe because she sleeps with the professors?"
Some of the students gasped, but every face whipped around to look at her. A dead silence filled the air. Everyone looked at her.Seated in the back of the class, all seventy students sniggered in front of her. Seventy felt like a million. Empty faces that bore into her soul. Until finally the girls erupted in unkept laughter, while some of the boys sized her up and down, their eyes lingering at the juncture of her thighs. Sakura was sure her heart stopped. A scarlet blush covered her cheeks. Her voice was taken from her as if the air got sucked from the room.
Karin….Told everyone?
Low whispers of 'I knew it!' Or 'It's always he quiet ones.' 'I saw her leaving Uchiha-sensei's class the other day too!
Some of them weren't even hiding it.
One of the males in her class whistled.
To her misfortune, the laughter got even louder. It spread to all of the students. The ones initially in shock joined in, crude remarks ostracizing her or claiming they figured she couldn't earn her good grades on her own.
The laughter turned into a drum.
Only a few of her classmates she partnered up with over the course of the semester spared her from laughter. The rest roared to life until the noise became a silent heartbeat in her ears.
Tobirama looked just like her, lost on what to do. The question looked like it slapped him, but no one was even looking at him. "That's ENOUGH!" He bellowed, attempting to reign in his classroom.
Rika stood up and pointed at Sakura, her black hair flouncing behind her. "It's true, Sensei! Everyone knows it! I don't feel comfortable being in the same classroom as someone that's trying to seduce all of the male professors!"
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Please don't cry.
Tears blurred her vision. She wanted to die. If she could, she would disappear. Did they all know she slept with him? She kept her head down, unable to look up at the dozens of faces that laughed at her. Bangs shadowed her face. Sakura gripped the hem of her skirt, nails digging into the flesh of her thighs.
"I said enough!" Tobirama yelled, "anyone that laughs will speak with the dean!" He looked mortified, like someone was holding him at gun point. That threat got some of the students to settle down, but they were all swiveling their heads between Sakura, Tobirama, and Rika. This would spread fast, if the entire school didn't know already. It made sense now why people were refusing to speak with her, why the trail of soft giggles would follow her.
Rika laughed, "tell the truth, Sakura!" She yelled brazenly. "Tell everyone how you're sleeping with one of the professors! You've been so mean and awful to Karin, when you've just been a slut this entire time!"
"RIKA!" Tobirama snapped, his hands slamming on his desk. Rika jumped, shocked by the way he yelled at her. The use of her first name stunned a couple of more students into complacency. "You're going to the dean's office, now."
The small reprieve in the attention being taken away from her made Sakura move. Her entire body trembled, her hands shook — she felt light headed. Half-hazardly, she grabbed all of her books and backpack. Thick, ugly sobs broke from her chest. The laughter continued. Her world cracked in half. Suddenly nauseous, she ran out of the classroom.
"Sakura!" Tobirama's voice called after her.
It was too late.
In another city where she wanted to start fresh, where she worked so hard change herself. She separated herself from her hometown. She studied as hard as she could, she earned the residency program, earned her scholarships, fell in love — and once again she was running from her classroom sobbing.
It was all ruined.
She ran to the library, too scared to go to her dorm. The last thing she needed was Karin ripping her wounds open further. She ran through the campus, her legs pumping fast. Students stopped to look at her. Without realizing it, she bumped into a few people, apologizing profusely when they glared at her.
At some point, she heard her name being called.
Sakura refused to look back. Her heart couldn't handle to see if he followed after her. Or even worse, if he didn't. She took the back way up the stairs to the library. On the top level, she retreated to a far corner in the science section. When she finally reached her small haven, she fell to the floor. Back pressed against a book shelf, she covered her mouth to stifle her sobs. Why was she so stupid?
Why did she let him into her life?
The crying didn't stop. Tears stained her face. Everything was ruined. Everything they tried to keep hidden….Oh god, Tsunade would call her, reprimand her, and expel her from the program. The thought of disappointing the woman that became a mother-figure brought on a new batch of shuddering sobs.
The ache in her chest had her folding back and forth, trying to stay quiet.
No one was here, and she wanted to scream.
With shaky hands, she dialed her best friend.
Please pick up.
It went to voicemail.
She called Naruto, unable to control her crying.
He answered on the first ring, "Sak-ur-a-chan!"
Her gasping sobs made his voice break, "wh-what happened!"
"N-Naruto," Sakura wept, "I…I. I don't know what to do!"
"Where are you? Are you ok?"
She shook her head, using the back of her sleeve to wipe her tears, "…I-! I ruined everything here. I…I need to go home."
Naruto's voice darkened, "no. There's nothing you could do that you need to come home for. Are you in danger?"
If only he knew. If only he knew what an awful woman she was. She seduced her professor, fell in love with him, and now everybody knew. They would never believe her grades were unaffected. Somehow, she controlled the quiver in her voice, "I'm not in danger, but I just miss you and Ino…I miss home. I want to go home!"
It sounded like he was in his room, random noises and shuffling around echoed over the line. "Are you at your dorm?"
"No," she whimpered, knees pressed to her chest. Everything hurt. Her chest felt like someone stabbed into her, her skin prickled and crawled, her face burned.
His voice sounded grave. "Go to your dorm, I'll catch a train to the city. I'll be there in a few hours, ok?" There were only two other times the normally light-hearted, jovial blonde sounded like this. Once was when she stupidly gave her virginity to Shisui and immediately regretted it when he ran around school bragging about it. That afternoon it became known that Naruto got into a fight. The rumor traveled so rapidly Sakura found herself running to the scene within minutes. Unfortunately, Shisui tackled him to the ground and her best friend hit his head — sending him to the nurses office. Sakura sat with him the entire afternoon holding an ice pack to his head, here fingers combing through his hair. How badly she wished that she could love him the way he loved her.
The other time was when she got admitted to Tokyo University. He pulled her into a tight hug, making her promise that she would succeed. That she would be ok leaving. She broke her promise, because she wasn't ok. She couldn't do this anymore. It would be a matter of time before she was questioned about their relationship. At the very least, apparently Karin didn't admit who she slept with.
Guilt ate at her. She couldn't do this to Naruto.
"I'm sorry," she cried, angry at the way her nasals burned, entirely clogged now. "Don't leave just for me. I'll be ok, I just needed to hear your voice—"
"Stop! I'm coming. I'll let you know when I make it to your campus." The resoluteness in his voice snuffed out her objection.
All she could muster was a broken, "thank you."
"It'll be ok, Sakura-chan. I promise!"
She dropped her phone, tucking her head into her knees. Briefly, she controlled the onslaught of emotions. The logical part of her searched for a solution. Without incriminating anyone, she could lie. Sakura knew she wasn't a very good liar, but she could protect her sensei — if only for the fact that he needed to take care of Toneri.
Toneri…Tsunade.
Itama!
The thought of never seeing them again made her tremble again. They became like family to her.
In such a secluded part of the library, she didn't notice the gentle footsteps heading in her direction. Her skull rattled, her heartbeat an orchestra in her head. Her eyes glazed over, reminiscent of when she would disassociate. It was the only way she dealt with the bullying. Of the constant ridicule, of her hair being pulled or being called ugly.
Someone knelt beside her. "Sakura?"
Cheeks and eyes swollen, she slowly looked up.
Itama's lips were pulled into a soft frown. He placed the back of his hand against her forehead, "I guess I know the answer to this, but…Are you ok?"
Sakura couldn't handle this right now. Reflected in his pretty dark eyes — disappointment.
She flinched from him, afraid he might lash out at her.
"I'm sorry," he started. She looked up at him, confused.
Itama sighed, he sat cross-legged in front of her — his long legs taking up most of the space between the bookshelves. He grabbed her hands away from her knees, his gentle touch a stark reminder that she lied to him…And now he knew.
"What happened in your class…" he looked away from her, glaring towards the direction of his brother's class, "you didn't deserve that. Feelings aside, I know you need a friend right now."
She trembled again, the memory of them laughing scarring her. "I do deserve it," she whispered. "I lied to you…I went on a date with you. I kissed you! I know I shouldn't have. I should have stopped it. I didn't want to hurt you-!"
Itama pulled her into a hug. In his lap, Sakura curled up and quivered. She clung to his shirt. She didn't deserve this kindness. "Please don't be so kind to me," she cried into the thick material of his vest.
He rocked her back and forth, face grim. He tucked her face into his neck. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you…" he paused, stewing on what to say next. "I should have been a better… friend. I knew something might happen, I didn't think it would be this soon."
He knew?
—
One week ago
Nephew and uncle tumbled on the couch in a fierce battle of wrestling. Behind them, American WWE matches between two of their favorite wrestlers wrangled each other, their costumes drenched in sweat. "One!" Itama held his nephew down, the young boy squealed — his feet happily kicking against the body atop of him to try and wiggle free.
"Two!" Itama echoed again, his free hand tickling his nephew's ribcage. Toneri's face turned red from trying to escape. Nearly exasperated, they both yelled in unison, "THREE!"
The dynamic duo fell to the floor, a fit of abrupt giggles. The normally quiet home felt lived in again. This was the second time this week Tobirama asked Itama to babysit his nephew, except this time it sounded urgent. His brother's class should have been done close to an hour ago, but maybe he got caught up the last minute. Briefly, Itama stole a glance at the wall clock. His brother definitely should have been home by now.
Just as they both gathered themselves to stand up and begin making dinner, Tobirama entered the foyer of his house— eyes red rimmed, reeking of cigarettes and alcohol. He kicked off his shoes in the foyer, shirking his bag onto the floor.
"Papa!" Toneri joyously squealed. The six year old threw his arms around his dad's legs. "Oji-ji and I were playing wrestling!"
Half-heartedly, Tobirama wrapped an arm around his son. Itama watched from afar when his brother murmured some sort of response, refuting Toneri's excitement dryly.
The kid deflated. His small shoulders slumped. Smart beyond his years, Itama noted how Toneri ate away his disappointment in the lack of reaction. Instead, he decided to go back and watch the TV silently.
Annoyance bit at him.
Itama walked over to Toneri, setting him on the couch and giving him his stuffed bunny. "Stay here for a second, ok buddy? I'm gonna talk to your dad for a sec." All Toneri did was nod his head, clearly upset.
Angrier than before, he rounded through the hall towards the kitchen, following after his brother. He entered to see Tobirama digging into his fridge to pull out a beer.
"You look like shit."
His brother huffed a dry laugh, "I've been better."
"I don't mean to sound like Obaa— but why the hell are you drunk on a Tuesday afternoon?"
Tobirama's shoulders went rigid at the accusatory notes laced in the question. "Drop it."
That pissed him off. "Don't tell me to drop it when I've been watching Toneri all afternoon and you come in reeking like cigarettes and liquor. Then you dismiss him like he wasn't just excited to see you!"
A feral glare shot his way. "I said drop it, Itama." Briefly, Itama remembered the days when Tobirama was a menace after their parents died. The same red-rimed eyes, the same palpating, room consuming anger. There was no talking to him like this. It had been so long since this version of his brother appeared, he almost forgot what the bastard was like. A younger version of him would have dropped it, but now that he was older and could hold his own — he wasn't going to let his brother's anger scare him anymore.
"You're being a fucking asshole."
Another laugh, "you have no idea about the last few days I've had. You're not my fucking wife, leave." His brother took a heavy chug from the beer.
Itama leaned against the counter, arms crossed against his chest. "What the hell has gotten into you? Aren't things almost settled with Mei? What happened to the chick you've been seeing? You've been in a weirdly good mood lately. Don't tell me you guys broke up already."
For reasons unknown to him, Tobirama froze.
Like a raccoon caught in a dumpster, his lip raised in a snarl — his hair damn near hackled defensively. "Shut the fuck up, Itama!" His brother shrugged by him, checking his shoulder with a hard shove.
For a long time, most of these fights were reserved for Hashirama and Tobi. For an even longer time, Itama merely watched. He didn't like fighting. To him, it seemed pointless. What could they be so angry about that they would fight each other? Most times he would be the one to run inside and grab their aunt so she could scream at them to stop. There were a couple of times he tried to break it up, in return he got a broken nose. Even now, the dull ache of where he broke his nose made his face sore.
Itama gripped his brother's shoulder to stop him from leaving. Where Hashirama was thicker in muscle, Tobirama was leaner. He, however — had a mixture of both. "I'm trying to fucking help! She did break up with you, didn't she? What? You mad you aren't gonna get laid again?"
In an instant, he was thrown into a wall. "What the hell?"
In front of him, his brother began to laugh. His hands tore through his hair, shoulders jumping in his fit of laughter. Tobirama glared at him through his manic fit, beer bottle fitting to his lips. "Wouldn't you like to know."
The hairs on his arms stood on end.
A sick, nauseous feeling started to eat at his stomach. "…Should I know something?"
Tobirama ran another hand through his hair, shaking his head. "Nah, I wouldn't want to make you cry or anything. I know you can be pretty pussy whipped."
What is he talking about?
Itama felt the room swallow them. A morbid part of him wanted to know what the hell he was talking about, but alarm bells were going off in his head. "I swear to god you always talk so cryptically. Spit it out already you stupid mess."
Could this be about…Sakura? There were a few girls this year he took on dates, but she was the only one he had continuously shown more effort to. Logically, it made no sense.
His skin itched.
"You really wanna know? You wanna know why I might lose my job, why I might lose Toneri? Why my bitch ex-wife won't sign the divorce papers? How she's hog-tying me to this god awful marriage? Why she doesn't love me anymore? You really want to know!" Tobirama punched one of the walls with the back of his fist, growling in frustration. "I don't need you accusing me of some bullshit! I asked you to watch my son, not judge me."
Like the thread of a shirt getting caught on something, he could see his brother unraveling. The normally stoic, best foot forward, and well respected professor was nowhere to be seen. Instead, it was the same teenager that rebelled, drank until dawn, and screamed at their aunt when she got him in trouble. He would go missing for days. How he graduated was a miracle. Itama watched it all from a kids eyes, and a lot of time Toneri reminded him of his own childhood.
"Well what can I do to help! I'm trying to help you!" Itama yelled, exasperated by this conversation. He could understand why Hashirama would fight their brother. This was awful. So in hindsight, maybe he shouldn't have said the next sentence, "you haven't been like this since mom and dad died, stop being the victim and get over it!"
The words cut deep, because his brother's face fell. Itama could visibly see the rage broil off of him.
Two beats of silence.
"Ok! You small cock prick, you really want to know?" Tobirama set the beer bottle down, staggering a deep breath. As if he had to prepare himself for what he was about to admit to. He snarled, "I've been fucking your little girlfriend! For months. Before you ever came in the picture. As your dumbass was pining for her, I was sleeping with her in my office-!"
Before Itama could stop himself, his fist connected with his brother's cheek. Pain splintered through his knuckles, he threw his entire body weight into the punch. When his brother fell to the floor, Itama heaved — tears threatening to rise. Kami, he hated him right now. On the floor a broken man looked back up at him in shock, clearly unsuspecting that his younger brother would ever hit him.
The news landed, and it hurt.
Somewhere deep within him, he suspected it. Itama refused to believe such a stringent man would sleep with a student…It was his own naivety. In reality, it made perfect sense. Why Toneri loved her. All the times he took her home, how close she was with his aunt. All the awkwardness from Sakura…The pressure Tobirama would put on him to ask her out…Then the foul moods that would follow, it all made sense.
"You're disgusting."
Never one to leave something alone — which is why Itama suspected his brother and Mei were always so explosive in their arguments, Tobirama followed after him. Seething anger steamed off of him. About to grab Itama by the scruff, the only thing that stopped Tobirama was Toneri gripping the couch, vividly watching the two with much wiser eyes than a child his age should have. That looked stopped Tobirama. However, he could feel the daggers through his back.
Itama left, only stopping in the living room to grab his book back and give his nephew a hug who had expertly turned up the TV to drown out their fight — bunny clutched in his arms.
"Oji-ji…Can I go with you?" His eyes drifted from his dad to uncle, unsure.
"Not tonight, but call me if you need absolutely anything, ok?"
Toneri sighed in defeat, "ok."
Itama finished grabbing his things, not sparing another look back to his brother's swollen face.
—
It started to rain.
How poetic.
The gentle patter of the rain induced the campus into the depths of fall. The rainy season would seamlessly blend into winter by the time December rolled around. The droplets would morph into snowflakes, leaving the entirety of Tokyo in a dusty, shimmering blanket of white. Contrary to her colors, Sakura quite liked winter.
In fact, she loved it.
She loved layering her clothing, she loved wearing mittens and ear muffs in various shades of deep pinks and reds.
Though now she dreaded it.
For the rest of this semester she would have to not only face Tobirama, but now her peers who were so enthralled by this drama in their normally strict schedules — Itama had to glare at several people that whispered by them. Sakura could already imagine what they were assuming. A professor wasn't good enough, now she had to jump to their school president. Too bad her his jacket couldn't swallow her.
After an hour of coaxing her out of the library, Sakura relented. Except now being seeing Itama would only propel her further into infamy.
She wanted to die.
She kept her head down, refusing to look up. This only came after two girls were so blatantly obvious they pointed at her hair, clearly identifying her. Once again, her hair brought forth more trouble than what it was worth.
They basically ran to his house after that.
Not so much a house, but a clean and well sized apartment.
Itama ran down his hallway to grab them some towels.
Awkwardly standing in his doorway, Sakura thumbed the hem of her skirt, soaked.
When was Naruto getting here?
Maybe this wasn't a good idea. She couldn't leech off of Itama's kindness. It wasn't fair.
Eyes still puffy, he returned back to her — several towels in hand. "I'm sorry I didn't have an umbrella. Here," he passed her a soft towel, "—do you want some clothes or anything?"
She shook her head, "it's ok…But could I use your restroom?"
He smiled at her, "of course, it's the last door on the left." Even now, the softness of his smile didn't reach his guarded eyes. It's what she deserved, a guarded kindness.
It broke her heart.
She stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes, dousing her face in cold water to feel something other than her aching chest. The water felt akin to ice on her skin. She kept doing it, over and over and over — hopeful that the puffiness in her face would go away, even though she knew that with one thought of what happened, she would break down.
It was useless.
Kami, Sakura wanted to scream. The girl…No, an unfamiliar woman stared back at her in the mirror. Tangled, disheveled hair. Broken, red-shot eyes. The normal sparkle in her eyes was gone. Her mouth tugged downward as she fought back the tears even now. What did he do to her?
A sad, wet cat.
That's what she felt like.
Like the neighborhood cats that would get chased away, she stared at her reflection. There had never been an instance, even with all of the bullying — that she truly hated herself.
Now though.
Sakura hated herself for believing him. Hated herself for becoming so ensnared in his words — she glossed over his actions. Hated that she knew better. No matter how much she loved him, even in the beginning - why did she let herself fall so hard, why did she give him everything she had to give?
When she returned, somewhat drier and still just as upset — she found Itama on the couch speaking on the phone with his brother.
—
After the Monster's Chorus
In all of his years, Tobirama never thought that he would find himself in this type of situation. In love with a student, being held hostage by his ex-wife, a shit father, and just as angry as he was when his parents died. All of the progress he meticulously worked on slipped through his fingers in a matter of months. As much as he wanted to wallow in his self-pity, he couldn't.
All of his practiced self-control damn near broke when he watched Sakura stand in his classroom like a martyr, unknowingly becoming the sacrificial lamb of them two.
Except he refused to let her face this alone.
White rage ripped through him when the laughter wouldn't stop. Tobirama watched Sakura disintegrate in front of the class. The way she bit back her tears for as long as she could, how she just stood there, like she was used to it. It was as if her fight or flight sputtered, and instead she hoped staying still would make them stop. He witnessed the small child that got so severely bullied they physically harmed her resurface. Until she could no longer take it. The sound that tore from her was irrevocably, inequivalent pain.
Because of his selfish actions. For fucks sake he was her first quasi-relationship, and just like Mei — he fucked her up forever.
He deserved to rot in hell.
To remedy some of this situation, even if it implicated him — he called the dean. Rika went to the woman's office immediately. Every student aside from a very select few received derogatory marks, and he cancelled the rest of his class.
Tobirama needed to find her.
In a rush to search for Sakura, he dialed her phone number. It went directly to voicemail. Again, nothing. He kept ringing her phone as he treaded through campus, then realized she must have turned it off for class. He rushed to her dorm. Not there. His aunt's office. Not there. The vivid memory of her on her knees the other week when he left her made his stomach sour. Every night he replayed the same memory. Her red-rimmed eyes. The broken, quivering voice for him to not leave.
Somewhere in him he knew it was the wrong decision. It felt right with her. But, his hands were tied.
Then in that same night, he got sucker punched by his fucking brother.
His sweet, always-hid-behind Hashirama, presidential, little brother knocked him on his ass.
That shit was sore for days, too.
Tobirama scoured every nook that he knew Sakura frequented. The girl was nowhere to be found. In the middle of campus, rain started to fall. How long had he been searching? Of course, it wasn't a mediocre sprinkle, but a downpour. He took cover under one of the awnings near the campus cafe. The cold air made the rain sharp. He pulled his phone out, dialing her number one more time. This time it rang. He held a sparkle of hope when it didn't immediately go to voicemail.
It rang five times, each ring diminishing his hope to talk to her. Voicemail.
"Goddamnit, Sakura."
He texted her instead.
-Where are you?
-Are you ok?
There in the rain, he could think of only two people that would know where to find her. Itama would probably ignore him, they hadn't spoken since their blow up fight last week. It would be too suspicious to ask Tsunade without a clever excuse as to why he needed to know her whereabouts. The thought of his aunt knowing how royally fucked he was festered another bout of anger. Tsunade would kill him. For the past week he waited for her to arrive at his home and beat his ass. Waited for her to scream at him over the phone. If he could postpone the anger of the only person that scared him, he would.
So he dialed his little brother instead.
Itama answered with a tepid, "what?"
"Where is she?"
"Unless you're calling to apologize, I'm not one for conversation today."
He sighed, his annoyance a caged tiger pacing back and fourth, "Fuck off. I need to know where she is. You're one of her friends, and I'm sure you know what happened by now."
A few silent beats followed, Tobirama could feel his brother chewing on what to do. "You sound desperate."
"Fucking christ, I am! You didn't see what I saw today."
"And whose fault is that?"
"I'll take the lecture after you tell me where she is."
A soft voice in the back caught Tobirama's attention. He pressed the phone closer to his mouth, "Sakura?"
"You don't deserve to talk to her-"
There was a rustling of noise, as if the phone dropped. Their muted voice were in the background, his brother's hand must have covered the microphone to muffle whatever they were talking about. The professor checked his watch. He figured they would be at his brother's apartment. If he ran there, he could see her.
He hung up, not willing to bet on his brother giving him the chance to speak with her.
So he ran.
The last time he ran this hard was in college. By the time he reached his brother's apartment, he was out of breath. In truth, he probably had half a lung left due to all of his smoking. Kami, he could barely breathe. He reached the door of his brother's apartment, barreling through. There on Itama's couch, Sakura had her face covered — his brother holding her shuddering shoulders. The sight of her made his heart jump to his throat. He wanted her, he wanted to be with her. He never wanted to see another tear.
But—
Seeing the way his brother consoled her made his fist clench.
A white rage of jealousy flared through him.
He swallowed it when she shot her head up to look at him.
"S-sensei?!"
Tobirama flew to her.
Itama stood up, effectively blocking his path towards her. "Itama," the older Senju brother's voice dropped to a deep, volatile tone, "move."
The younger Senju, now head to head with his problematic brother — to his credit, didn't budge. Sakura stood behind Itama, face pinched from crying. Tears still slipped from those pretty jade eyes. He looked past his brother, "I'm so sorry that happened earlier. I know that brought you back to a place—"
"Sensei, please. We can't keep doing this. I can't!"
Her simple plea nullified his words.
All the air left him, all of the fight.
She covered her mouth with her sleeve, as if to swallow her pain back. When she chewed back the emotion, she took an exasperated — simple breath to regain some of her composure.
"You...You made your choice, Sensei. I understand it, too. I may not see it now, or maybe I never will — but you have a family. I'm mad at myself for falling in love with you how I did. I'm mad at myself for falling for someone who doesn't love me back."
Tobirama took a step back, her words puncturing a place in him that he carefully vaulted up a long time ago. The same words Mei told him months and months ago. "Sakura—"
"Stop! Please! You left me on the floor crying after you like a piece of trash. On the floor! Nothing that happened today could be worse than what you've already done. Stop looking for me, stop running back to me thinking it's ok to get my hopes up, tell me every little thing I want to hear. Then every time you get spooked — you disappear! I've given you everything I have, and I should have known better. It hurts, it hurts so much." By the end of it, she could barely gasp her words out. Her voice sounded child-like and nasally from crying so much. She covered her face, though he could see the way her bottom lip quivered. He didn't know what was worse, seeing her crying, or seeing her trying not to cry and be strong in front of him.
The unfamiliar feeling of his own eyes burning made him look away.
He reached forward — but Itama slapped his hand away, unflinching. They stood eye to eye.
"I-" there were a million pretty lies he could tell her. Say something! Say something you pice of shit! Say something or you'll lose her!
If he didn't do it now, it would be done.
A smoldering hope flared in those eyes reminiscent of spring. They sparkled just as they had before, for him.
I love you.
The words died in his throbbing chest. There was no fairytale for them. Maybe under another world of circumstance. If it weren't for the life he had already built, with a son who needed his mom — then he could see a clear future with this girl. She understood him in a way few did. The comfort she brought, the way she lit up a room — the girl in front of him no longer held that spark.
That last flicker of hope died here in this room.
Before he could offer a half ass apology for what happened in class again, she smiled up at his brother in thanks. His blood pounded so loudly in his ears the professor missed what was said between the two.
Sakura said her goodbye, "I promise I really did love you, with everything I had in me — I thought I could help you."
It shattered him.
"Sakura-"
"Bye."
She left this time, in a flurry of wet pink hair — as if anything he said would torch her skin. Before Itama could stop her from leaving in the rain again, she closed the door on the both of them.
Tobriama didn't move, as if he were a statue in a temple — assessing his sins and frozen in them. The silence finally broke when Itama put a hand on his shoulder, a humble comfort in the midst of heartbreak. "You couldn't have just told her you loved her?"
The professor finally moved.
"No." He clipped his word, his anger amiss. He needed to leave. Ashamed of himself, the sudden need to see his son flooded him. He needed to figure out how to get out of this mess with Mei. If he couldn't be with Sakura, then he could at least protect the remaining shreds of her reputation. Although he was the main culpable party in this, for some reason whoever knew about them didn't reveal he was the professor. He would see to it that it stayed that way.
With enough distance, nothing he did would ever hurt her again.
—
The Gods Arrive
Her walk back to the dorm felt cathartic. She shed enough tears for a lifetime. This would be the last time she would shed tears over a man like this. (She would be wrong.) Sakura allowed herself the reprieve of the walk home in the rain. The clouds continued to cry, the frigid air chilled her tired lungs.
Tonight she would allow herself to wallow, but tomorrow she would keep her head up.
Maybe this is what she needed, she thought.
A hard lesson, but no girl that sleeps with a married man deserves a happy ending.
She would speak with her counselor, explain how a rumor started and she didn't feel comfortable being in the same class with Rika. It would cost her precious credits and time, but she could take an alternate course that satisfied her human biology requisite. Even in the end, he let her down. If he still couldn't speak to her, he was more broken than he even acceded to himself. So, she decided — as long as she didn't have see Tobirama, Sakura could move on.
In a more painfully poetic way, she felt a wash with the events of the day as the rain drenched her clothes.
When she reached her dorm — she had two seconds after unlocking her door before two bodies parasailed into her. The familiar hugs were warm — home. Two bodies tried to pull her away for themselves, but she clung to them both. The trio fell to the floor in a fit of what should have been laughter, Instead, Ino and Naruto held her, held her until she cried from a mixture of happiness and relief— this time she fell asleep, too exhausted to explain everything. Her body gave for the day. Sakura's head landed in Ino's lap; her body slung over Naruto's.
It was her first good night's sleep in a week.
When she woke up the next morning, Sakura felt heavy. Her chest hurt, her face hurt, her eyes barely opened. A feminine arm was slung around her torso from the back, while another body snuggled her from the front. The morning light glowed pink in her room from her curtains, illuminating the familiar face in front of her with a halo of white and pink.
Blue eyes opened to say hi.
A foxy grin smiled at her.
"You're awake, Sak-ur-a-chan!"
Sakura clung to the body in front of her, his familiar scent surrounded her. Like the ocean on a summer day. "I've missed you so much," she murmured into the material of his shirt.
An annoyed voice doused her, "I'm right here, Forehead!"
Sakura turned, staying oddly serious, "sorry, I didn't realize they let pigs in these dorms."
Ino's mouth dropped — a beat later all three bodies on the floor were clutching their stomachs from laughter. The laughter echoed, but they refused to move. When they finally gathered themselves, she snuggled back into her spot between them. Sakura realized they made a makeshift bed from the blankets and pillows in her room on the floor so they could sleep next to her. "You guys are really here — in Tokyo!"
Her best friend poked her ribcage, "of course we are! We've been meaning to visit sooner. If it weren't for Naruto hogging his time up with Hinata—"
Naruto made a face, nearly reaching over the pinkette to bop Ino, "don't lie! You've been just as busy with that weirdo Sai!"
"He's not weird, Naruto! You just don't understand him!"
"Riiiiiight. It doesn't take much to understand his stick figures, what kind of self-proclaimed artists makes stick figures?!"
Ino's eye twitched, "art comes in different forms, you idiot!"
Between them, Sakura gripped both of their hands, another fit of giggles encompassing her. For the first time in months, she felt happy. "I've missed this, I've missed…Us." The dynamic trio. The sunset friends. The loud-mouthes. Just a couple of nicknames for the three friends that didn't leave each other's sides.
Until Sakura left.
They must have noticed the way her voice fell, because Naruto squeezed her hand, "I'm sorry Sakura-chan, I haven't been there for you."
She shook her head, "no. You're here now. That's all I need."
Before Naruto could say anything else, Ino gripped her chin and forced her to look up at her as the blond sat up. "Forehead, I am so sorry I haven't been there for you. I've been a bad friend. I've prioritized Sai and didn't even realize I was ignoring you. I didn't realize how…Bad things were going here, but I should have been listening! When Naruto told me how bad you were crying — " Tears floundered in Ino's eyes, "I'm just really —"
Sakura hugged her friend, Ino rambled sordid apologies into her shoulder.
"I forgive you. You traveled three hours to get here, that's all I want. Maybe just pick up your phone every so often, Pig."
Ino murmured her agreement, blond hair bobbing evenly behind her. "How long is your hair now!"
Just like that, the three were up and moved to Sakura's bed— lazily catching up about things back in their town. About Naruto and Hinata's budding relationship. In truth, Sakura always knew the shy girl that peaked behind corners to get a glimpse of her best friend would eventually muster the courage to talk to him. Compared to the whirlwind that constituted Ino and Sai's relationship, it made her heart ache for home.
As always, Ino surmised it enough so she could get to the meat of why they were here.
"Enough about us. What happened? And no crying, Forehead! I don't know what happened, but the jerk doesn't deserve you," she chastised firmly.
At the prying of her situation, Sakura wilted like a flower plucked from her garden. "I don't want you guys to think less of me."
Naruto nudged her shoulder with his elbow, bright smile beaming at her, "it can't be worse than Ino's stealing phase."
"Or when Naruto lost his pants during gym."
"Hey! That was an accident! That doesn't count."
"I slept with my professor."
The two were stunned into silence.
"You WHAT?!" They screamed in unison. Sakura moved to cover Naruto's mouth, urging him to be quiet.
"Shhhhhhh! I don't need anymore attention drawn to me with you two being loud."
Ino looked ready to jump out her window from the millions of questions Sakura could see swimming in her eyes, so much so her hands fidgeted in her lap. When they both regained their sensibility, Sakura sat back against the wall again. "Are you going to be quiet?"
They obediently nodded.
Sakura spared a glance towards Ino, "the guy that I mentioned before…It was my professor. I didn't want to say because I know it's wrong. It started towards the beginning of the semester." She chewed on her cheek, with the information said out loud — and what she was about to admit to, it sounded awful. She hung her head, praying they didn't hate her after this, "and he's married."
An odd silence permeated the air.
Sakura kept her gaze focused on her chewed nails. A habit she picked up in grade school. At some point she kicked it, but the stress from the last two weeks subconsciously ruined her nails. Ino noticed, but chose not to make a comment. She was probably figuring out a way to reprimand her. Or choose not to be friends with her. It would be easy to think that if she slept with a married man, why wouldn't she try and sleep with any man, including her best friend's fiancé?
For the first time, both of her best friends were silent.
"Oh, Sakura…" Ino caved, pulling her into a hug. "Why didn't you tell me? I knew you were keeping him a secret…It makes sense now, but why him?" Ino pulled away slightly to brush away the stray pink hair from her face.
"Because I knew better. It started innocently enough, but somehow— we slept together and it changed everything. He told me him and his wife were separating! I believed him! I really, really trusted him." As much as her chest burned, she refused to cry again. "I even saw his divorce papers on the table—"
"Stop."
The two girls whipped their heads to see their blond friend vibrating with anger. Naruto had the same look on his face that he had when he went to confront Shisui. His normally bright, cerulean eyes were a darker, stormier grey. "This professor told you he was divorcing his wife? He told a student this? As he's trying to divorce his wife, he fucks you?"
Sakura bit her lip to stop the quivering.
"Naruto!" Ino hissed, "leave her alone! He's obviously an older man that took advantage of a student—"
"I know!" He growled, his tone harsh enough to sting them both, "I'm mad about it! Look what he's done! Sakura is calling me sobbing because this guy tricked her into sleeping with him, then he goes back to his wife! She's going to get bullied again, possibly expelled because he wanted to get his dick wet! Let me guess, he told you he loved you, too?!"
Not normally one for vulgar language, Sakura wanted to explain that it was her too. It wasn't just him. She participated, even initiated a lot of their contact when he tried to put distance between them. However, the thought of trying to defend him made her stomach burn. He let her drown in that class, why should she care?
"He didn't tell me he loved me!" Sakura shot back, tired of being sad. Tired of having to defend herself. "I fell in love with him way before we even spoke out of class! I've loved him from the beginning of the semester! He tried…Multiple times to stop, but we couldn't! I couldn't! I knew there was a possibility it would end like this. I-I messed up, I did this to myself! He didn't trick me! So stop saying that!" Sakura pressed her hands to her face, the revelation enough to shake her.
Both were dumbfound by her passionate speech.
Ino slapped Naruto on the shoulder, mouthing for him to shut up.
"I still love him," Sakura whispered, voice hoarse. "I have so much love to give. I'm just an idiot for thinking he would ever love me back."
—
The Monster has Arrived
Tobirama flicked his cigarette to the floor, waiting at home for his wife. With a bit of clever thinking, he messaged her that he wanted her to see Toneri again.. When she questioned why he wanted her back so suddenly, the simple mention of their son had he driving back home from wherever the hell she was staying.
An observant rage kept his fit clenched.
He refused to further ruin the life of the girl he did love.
Which meant he would need to make sure his ex wanted nothing to do with him.
He waited on the balcony, patiently.
When she arrived, her hair meticulously styled — makeup done, breasts pert and expertly pushed up. She smiled at him, probably thinking he caved. The sight of her months ago would have stole the air from his lungs. For a long time this was the woman of his dreams. Now all he could see was a disheveled monster. Disgusting.
She walked up to their previously shared home, assessing the front to see if anything changed.
"Where's Toneri?" She questioned, the speculative, hard edge of her voice gone. In its place was the airy, friendly one she used to talk to him with.
Tobirama stood up, silent. He regarded her with gentle eyes, face blank. He gave nothing away. He grabbed her hand, ushering her inside. Like so long ago, she laced their fingers together — a new, lustier thought illustrated in her demeanor.
When they came inside, he took her to their kitchen.
Candles lit the table.
The youthful, joyous look on her face replicated the one she used to always give him.
"What's this?" She asked. Two spots were on the table, several plates of rice, pickled vegetables, and grilled fish filled the room with a delicious scent. It reminded him of home, it was the same meal his mom would cook for his brothers and himself.
He pulled her chair out, sat her down.
From here, he could see the blush on her cheeks. The way she fixed her hair, completely unprepared for what was happening. Tobirama sat across from his soon to be ex-wife.
"Did you cook all of this?"
Tobirama gave her a slight smile, "I did. I hope you like it, you know I'm not much of a cook."
However, she knew him better than he liked to admit. She sat back in her chair, eyeing the romantic, candle-lit dinner with a speculative eye. "What do you want?" Instantly, he felt his skin rise in hackled goosebumps like an angry coyote.
"What? You're not hungry?" He began to load up his plate.
"I am, but I know you. And I know we're not in this headspace, at least not yet. So what do you want, Tobirama?" The way she said his name made him shiver, made his back stiffen — he wanted to recoil. Having her here…It was killing him.
Without word, he leaned to grab the papers on the floor by his chair. The divorce papers, a fresh set he obtained from his lawyer earlier in the week. Signed. "You're signing these papers, tonight. We're not getting back together. This is our last dinner, and this will be the end. We will figure out custody of Toneri amicably, or we can go through the court."
Gone was the young girl he got a glimpse of, his hardened wife came back. Every wall she ever procured towards him came back up so quickly he could physically feel them. She looked down at the papers, "you think you can get me to sign those?"
"Yes," he took a bite of his food, unbothered by how ready she was to jump at him. Unlike last time at the bar, they could yell here. They were toxic for each other, how could she not see it? In reality, he knew it was because she felt scorned by Sakura. If not for his bubbly student, Mei would have happily moved on from their mess.
"Forget it. A stunt like this isn't going to do anything. I'm leaving." She moved to grab her purse and stand up, "oh yeah…How's that pink haired student of yours-"
Tobirama lunged over the table so fast, he knocked over a plate to grip her upper arm. His strength overpowered her, and he forcibly brought her back to the table. The ferocity of the movement made Mei drop her purse, jaw slack from his physically touching her so forcefully.
"What the fuck!"
"I told you, don't you ever mention her to me. Sign the fucking papers, Mei!" He yelled. Tobirama grabbed a pen from his shirt pocket and slammed it on top of the papers.
"You're ruining my fucking life, you've ruined Toneri's life! I don't want you! Now sign the papers or I swear—"
"Swear what?" She screeched at him, pupils blown. She stood up again, slamming her own hands on the table, "what are you going to do? Hit me? FORCE me to sign?" She began to laugh, and it only added insult to the gaping wounds within him.
"I know which student gave you that photo," he seethed, his eyes darkening. If the devil possessed any man on the planet, it was him. "They're going to get expelled. I have a union I've already spoken to." Lies. "I don't care what the fuck happens with the photo. I don't care what happens to us. I refuse to let you bully me or her. Sign the fucking papers or I'll take Toneri from you too for abandonment. I'll do anything to get away from you, so sign the fucking papers!"
Mei ruefully glared at him, more tears shimmered. Always a one track mind, she barely heard what he said about their son. "So that's what this is? It's coming back to her again, isn't it? Sakura? What? You're trying to save her reputation now after you've ruined her! Like you've destroyed my life? After you've taken everything away from me! I gave you everything! I fucking hate you! I swear I wish I never met you!"
So many tears. So much screaming. It was the voice of a woman still in love with the past.
At this point, it was a blur for the professor.
She grabbed her water and threw it at him. She slapped him. It must have done something for her because Mei began to hit him. Everywhere. Her acrylic nails scratched his face, his arms. She punched him in the mouth, tore at his clothes. Too stunned to react, it took him a moment to realize she was punching him. He remembered her yelling, remembered her saying the most heinous things to him.
Did he do this?
"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Mei wouldn't stop.
When her nail caught his eye as he tried to restrain her —
He exploded.
He pushed her into the wall to get her off of him.
She hit her head. Hard.
By the end of the night he put her to bed in what used to be their room. Mei refused to go to the hospital once she woke up. He wanted to take her, begged her to go - she refused, but instead cried into his shoulder, apologizing and apologizing that she would never touch him again. When she was finally asleep, he grabbed a blanket and moved to the living room.
They would never be healthy for one another.
Tobirama documented his bruised lip, the cuts by his eyes and on his arms. He couldn't even go outside to smoke, his body couldn't stop shaking. Their fights had been bad, but never like this. Never physical. His fingers could barely work his phone to take photos of everything. His night ended with him throwing up outside so he wouldn't wake up Mei. As mad as he was at her, he hated himself more than anything. He knocked out the mother of his child. The sight of her limp body made his stomach queasy.
If Toneri ever found out — Kami, what would he do?
When he looked up at the moon, all he wanted was to go back to the beach.
Instead, he crawled back into the house — the taste of vomit in his mouth.
Author's Note: Whew.
Poor Tobirama :c.
Poor Sakura.
We're actually nearing the end of this story. I believe there's going to be three to four chapters left, so please let me know what you think! Hopefully someone notices what I did this chapter and comments on it...I thought it was rather poetic.
I will be updating the trigger warnings as these final chapters update, so please read them before reading the next few updates.
Thank you for reading!