32a) and while we're at it…
Previously, on Everybody Else's Doing It…
"
"That is completely unfair." Cho gasped.
Harry shrugged. "My life. Anyhow." He began to cut a small piece of broccoli, and spoke before putting it in his mouth. "Everyone know how to swim?""
~~ and continuing our Yule Ball Dramedy ~~
"Harry," Hermione rested her head down into her fingers, elbow improperly on the table, as she fought laughter and disbelief. She sighed heavily. "I can't take you anywhere."
"Oh, you think that was good, wait 'til my next act." He looked around at the table. "It will be a real show-stopper."
Just then, Moody, who had been staring hard at the Boy Who Just Oathed Out Of Being Ostracized, took a huge swig from his flask.
As he resealed the vessel, he began to bubble and change. And panic.
Suddenly, in the seat next to Dumbledore was Dumbledore. Except the doppleganger had an extra eye on a leather strip, clothing that was much too short and not nearly gaudy enough, and cat ears. And whiskers.
"Harry?" Hermione asked, horrified into memories of her partial cat transformation.
"This is a prank gone too far!" McGonagall stated loudly and sternly. Her eye pinned Harry, grinning, in his seat. "One hundred points from Gryffindor for this heinous attack on a member of faculty."
Snape didn't know if he should be excited at the huge punishment or angry for being scooped, so he simply sneered. It was his resting bitch-face, after all.
"I object," Harry stated, still smirking, over the murmuring of the crowd. "Potion master Snape, can you tell us what potion would have catalyzed this change?"
"You know very well, Potter, that it is polyjuice. And it is polyjuice that is contaminated with cat hair."
Harry nodded. "And would you state that my dunder-headed self could actually brew this polyjuice?" Though Harry was actually an excellent student, Snape would wear pink robes in public before he would admit it.
Snape was caught in a puppy-snatch. Admit Potter could brew it, or let Potter off. He remained silent, and his liege lord came to his rescue.
"Simply because you did not brew it, does not mean you did not facilitate this tasteless prank, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore posited, still smarting from Harry's vow.
Harry inclined his head. "True. But I also would have had to switch the stuff into Professor DumbleMoody's flask. I would assume he drank sometime before this? And my wand is in my holster. You are free to check it. But I believe my table mates will agree: I cast no switching spell."
"Even worse! You conned someone else into participating in your shenanigans. My punishment stands," McGonagall rejoined.
"I would expect nothing less from you, Professor." Whether Harry was being honest or sarcastic was lost on all but Hermione. But she had her game face on. She'd no real respect for McGonagall anymore, either. "But I have one more question for the potions' master. Sir, what is the consistency of polyjuice?"
"As you are well aware, it is a liquid of high viscosity."
"For those who don't speak chemistry, I'll translate. It's thick. Like a slime. Actually, almost like a gel. Very hard to swallow." He grinned as he saw Hermione starting to realize what he was getting at. The rest of the crowd still looked looked confused, it was their normal dullard-face expression, after all.
"So, tell me, esteemed Potions Master, Venerable Headmaster… could one confuse pumpkin juice, ale, even water with polyjuice? Any beverage at all? I think not…"
At that moment, Dumblecat attempted to grab his (Moody's) wand, but found his paws didn't have opposable thumbs.
One of the guests at another table of honor, Madame Amelia Bones, head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, stood and walked to the table that hosted the erstwhile auror – supposedly. "No one – especially no senior auror – would drink polyjuice by accident. Therefore, this man was drinking polyjuice already. This is not Alastor Moody. Polyjuice also doesn't conflict with veritaserum. And I happen to carry veritaserum with me. I think it's time we find out who he is. Shack!"
The guests seemed to realize then that Harry, or whoever had switched out the polyjuice into Moody's flask, had uncovered an imposter.
"Make sure to ask him why he put me in the tri-wiz, yeah?" Harry called as Dumbledore, Bones, and Shacklebolt escorted the cat-man formerly known as Moody from the room for questioning.
Harry laughed aloud and took another bite of his delicious dinner as the rest of the people at the table stared at him in astonished wonder.
"How? Who? Why?" Hermione began.
"What, when, where…? I believe that's all the interrogatives. That wasn't what you were doing?" Hermione's eyes narrowed on Harry as Luna elbowed him – that hurt! - in the side. "Well… A few weeks back, Snape accused me of stealing his boomslang. I looked up boomslang, found it was an ingredient in very few potions, but most notably, polyjuice. Then, coincidentally, I was talking to Myrtle."
"Toilet Myrtle?" Cho cut in.
"Murder Victim Myrtle," Harry coldly corrected the bully before turning back to Hermione, dismissing Cho's falsely repentant face from his mind. "She told me she had a lot of polyjuice remnants going through her pipes. I thought to myself… who here is a stranger? I mean, two thirds of the people are strangers to Hogwarts, but not to each other. No. Only Moody was an unknown. And he always drinks from the flask. And he's the defense teacher."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Cedric asked.
"Three for three, tried to kill me."
Luna rubbed his arm. "Gilderoy just tried to obliviate your own existence out of your head. And Lupin couldn't help trying to eat you. You look tasty!"
"Right." Harry shook his head while Victor wished he'd brought fire whiskey to the table.
"So, you theenk le professeur, he is the one who put your name in le gobelet du feu?"
Harry shrugged. "Odds are."
"But you didn't act alone. You didn't do a switching spell." Roger Davies was confused, and the Ravenclaw didn't like the feeling.
Luna smiled dreamily. "Whether the blibbering humdingers or nargles or heliopaths helped him, Harry has made this a Yule Ball to Remember."
"I admit nothing, but am glad you enjoyed the show." And remembering just who helped him - because, no, he hadn't acted alone. He'd had a helper who got Dumbledore's hair, and Mrs. Norris's fur, and could do a switching spell that was seamless - Harry lifted his own gobelet. "I'll be here all week. Tip your house elves."
(I think that's it for this one. And of course, he'll tell Hermione that he noticed that Moody was often not Moody on the map… Being smart and clever in this AU, he puts together that Moody is using the juice, and decides to uncover that to the biggest audience.)