"When you go home today, I will be sending you some reading information about dealing wit trauma and assault, along with some recommendations on resources for counselling and therapy…would you also like me to send you with some reading material on gender identity and sexual orientation?"
He looked to Hermoine, she hadn't faltered in the grip she had on him and offered him a soft smile, bumping her knee with his as had become a habit of theirs at home.
And his voice was even quieter when he answered.
"Yes please"
oOo
He was quiet when they got home, not that he was ever overly talkative but Hermione could tell that it had taken a lot from him to attend today, and she of all people knew just exactly how that felt. She at least assured herself that she would be the support for him, that she'd never had, in whatever way he needed it. So letting him dictate the pace, she steered him to a seat at the table and put the fussy babies to bed, they were overdue for a nap anyway.
When she came back in he had poured himself a cup of tea, and the teapot was on the table for her, alongside the honey and other tea things, a clear but unsaid invitation for her to sit with him, which she took wordlessly, adding a dash of honey to her tea.
She was grateful he'd taken to her habit of using candles for light in the cottage, it had electricity of course, but she'd found after so many years of living at Hogwarts that the bright incandescent muggle lights gave her a headache after too long, and so out of habit when she was relaxing she always used candles rather than the much brighter room lights.
Taking a sip of her tea, she noticed he had the information leaflets in front of him on the table, and was clearly pondering their contents. He looked tired, exhausted even, mentally and physically. The day obviously had taken a large emotional toll on him. She wondered if the exhaustion was because he was still trying to occlude.
"It's alright to let down your shields if you need to Severus. It doesn't matter if you're angry, or sad or anything else.. I just wanted you to know that I would rather you feel something, anything, than hold it back. Nothing good comes from bottling it up. Trust me, I know."
He smiled ruefully, just a small quirk of his lips, but it was enough. "I am just thinking of some of the things I discussed with Hannah"
She was curious obviously, but didn't push him. After a moment he spoke. "I have something that I have neglected to tell you, Hannah assured me that you would be understanding but I feel that I have been remiss in not telling you. It was not an intentional oversight on my part, nor was my intention to keep you in the dark about such things but considering that I owe you both mine and my sons life, and mine own sanity to boot, I believe it is only fair to inform you, should you choose that you no longer feel safe or content in having me around your home and your child"
Her eyebrow arched at that but she said nothing, giving him time to get the words out that he needed.
"I am a recovering addict. Throughout the past 20 years of my life, I have been an intermittent user of a number of substances. When I was able to procure it, I used both Heroin and Morphine and when I couldn't get that I was using Dreamless sleep and Analgesic Potions.. I have been clean for almost 2 years and intend to stay so, but it is something I was remiss in telling you… I should have told you, when I live in your house, around your daughter… it was your right to know before we made things more permanent, I should have told you sooner and for that I apologise, I understand if you would wish to remove me from your home".
"Are you using now?" "No, of course not. As I said I have been clean for almost 2 years"
"Do you have any of that stuff with you?" "NO! I would never bring something like that into your home!"
"Do you ever plan on bringing that home?" "No, never, I would never touch the stuff again, not before and especially not now with Alexander and Rose of course"
Her face softened and she gave him a gentle smile.
"OK then" she shrugged and went back to sipping her tea.
"OK?" He asked incredulously, scowling slightly.
"OK" She confirmed with a slight shoulder lift and small smile.
"I just told you that you're housing a smackhead, a junkie, in the same home as your children, who's withheld the fact they're a recovering addict from you and all you can say is OK?"
She shrugged again nonchalantly. "Keyword, Recovering. I.e Former drug addict. You turned to substances when you were living an incredibly stress filled and miserable life, in a job you hated while working as a spy in a magical war, where you were tortured and ridiculed and I am supposed to be surprised that you needed a crutch to help you through that?"
Well when she put it like that…
"Why would it be a problem, Severus? You didn't neglect to tell me anything, it simply isn't the sort of thing that comes up in conversation and It wasn't exactly relevant as you've been clean for almost 2 years, congratulations by the way, I don't know how you managed that considering everything that's happened. You're turning your life around for your son, you've not brought anything into my house, nor been intoxicated around the children… which is more than I can say for myself"
His eyes snapped to hers then. Hannah's words ringing in his ears "She might be more understanding than you would think".
"After Hugo-" She swallowed and reached into her pocket and passed him a plastic disc.
It said '6 Months' on it.
"After Hugo, and the birth, and the trouble I'd discovered with Rose's intolerance I ended up taking a pain potion and mood stabiliser that the midwife recommended called Devra's Draught"
He winced at that, he was familiar with the stuff.
"It's rather archaic potion that as I am sure you're aware has fallen mostly out of use"
For good reason, he thought, that stuff needs banning outright.
"But it was the only one that didn't contain silver, so I could take it without Rose having any issues…and take it I did" She wiped her eyes gently.
"So of course there's no silver in it, but there is another ingredient in it that is somewhat… problematic"
"Fennay root" He said gently and she toasted him with her teacup.
"As I mentioned before, I had postpartum depression on top of everything else with Ron, Rose and Hugo and what had happened in the war and malfoy manor… and soon I was taking it every 8 hours just to get through the day"
He hissed through his teeth at that, and she smirked wryly in acknowledgement of his distress.
"The few Apothecaries wouldn't sell me more than a couple of bottles at a time, and one of them stopped selling it altogether. They'd discontinued it a while back and only had shelf stock and I'd already cleared the shelves. I was apparating to Diagon alley, Hogsmede and various other apothecaries to try and purchase it and having less and less luck as the days weeks went on, plus sacha kept stealing the bottles and trying to bury them or break them or hide them wherever he could, he knew something was wrong even if he didn't know what"
She closed her eyes as she began to speak. "And then came the day when I couldn't find it. There was nowhere that had any stock left and no one was willing to brew it anymore, as it just wasn't financially viable and so I went to slug and jiggers and picked up the only other thing that I knew had Fennay root in it"
"Dreamless sleep?" He asked and she confirmed. He was well aware, after all Dreamless Sleep was one of his own vices to escape the nightmares that plagued his life.
"I knew I couldn't nurse when I'd taken it , so I was at least clear headed enough to nurse Rose before taking it and then… I drank half a vial"
"Hermione" He said forlornly and reached a hand out to her, which she grasped in hers.
Half a vial? At her size? She would probably be fine with childrens doses, a few drops at most.
"I know… I wasn't trying to do anything, I swear I wasn't, not consciously at least, but at that point I was so reliant on the fennay root aspect of the potions to get me through the day that I was desperate and a break from the nightmares was appealing too."
She was silent for a while
"How bad was it?"
"Bad" She said flatly. She wasn't looking at him when she did.
"Sacha woke me up finally. I don't know how long he'd been trying but the room was wrecked and he'd physically dragged me out of bed, I hit my head when I landed on the floor and that's what woke me up"
Hermoine swallowed thickly and closed her eyes. "He was still dragging me when I woke up, and it took me a few moments to realise he was dragging me towards the nursery. I had been out for 12 hours. God knows how much longer I would have been if he hadn't dragged me out of bed… that's when I realised it was quiet. When I realised I ran to the nursery and Rose was choking."
Tears came then, thick and fast and her shoulders shook with it as she buried her face in her palms.
"She'd been alone for 12 hours, her nappy was full and cold and she'd cried herself to colic to the point she'd thrown up and was choking because she couldn't turn, that's why he was so frantic, she'd started choking, if sacha hadn't … if he hadn't"
He stood up and pulled her from the chair and into his embrace, where she sobbed into his chest.
"But he did. You are a wonderful mum Hermione, do not let one mistake define you"
She nodded into his chest but still had tears running down her face.
"I quit that day. Called Hannah and broke down. That's when she examined me and Rose, she got me into a muggle program and I haven't touched anything with Fennay ever since, though as far as my support group knows It was opioid painkillers after my birth"
Sniffling she pulled back and he offered her some tissues which she took gratefully.
"So, you can see why I wouldn't, couldn't judge you, Severus. At least you have never endangered your own baby because of your habit. But you can also see why I would ask that you don't bring Dreamless sleep into the house…and if you do have to use Fennay root to brew, please ward it and don't ever give me the Wardkey?"
He cupped her cheek gently and pressed a soft kiss to the crown of her head and she smiled at him weakly.
"I cannot brew dreamless sleep if I wanted to, which to clarify I do not, not just because of my own history with it but because it's brewing is controlled by the ministry and whilever I am on this ministry sanctioned probation I will be unable to brew it… but for the same reason as yourself I do not use Fennay root in any of my brews. It is downright dangerous how addictive it is, when there are plenty of other ingredients it can be supplemented for"
"Sensible" she whispered.
The babies stirred and he moved to let go of her.
"I need a minute, will you be alright while I feed our babies?"
Our babies. Not the babies, our babies. The way he said it made it his heart clench in his chest.
"But of course, take as much time as you need, and thank you…for everything today. For giving me the shove I needed to do this, and supporting me throughout. For understanding about my addiction, and trusting me with yours… you are…amazing Hermoine"
"Go… sit" she shooed him to the sofa, but she was smiling softly.
When she came down a few minutes later, she passed him his son and then much to his shock, passed rose to him as well.
"Do you mind? I want to bring the tea things in"
"Of course" he answered immediately but he smiled softly as well, which she returned.
He knew what she was doing of course, the implicit trust she showed in handing her child to him, entrusting her child to him, demonstrating that she knew, she understood and she still trusted him, it warmed him thoroughly. So he held onto both babies carefully, unable to hold back completely the small satisfied smile.
As he held them together, he couldn't help but notice once again how similar they were in size, Rose was more or less the same size as Alexander. Despite Rose being a fair few months older, she had been a twin, one born prematurely at that and to a very small mother, Hermione remaining as petite as she'd always been, so though he knew she had been the bigger twin of her and Hugo, she would have still been much smaller than a normal full term infant. Alexander however had been the only child, and both Severus himself and his mother were tall and Alexander was a big baby, meaning despite their difference in ages, at the moment they could have been mistaken for siblings, hair colour aside. And he wandered wistfully, how different life could have been for them all, if they were a family together.
Hermione would never have abandoned or disowned her child, and Severus would have never allowed Hermione to be neglected or hurt. If he'd only known, he would have brewed all her potions himself, ensured she had the right neonatal potions, pain relievers for the birth, ensured she was safe and protected in a hospital somewhere with the best professionals and not frightened from the pain and distress of such a traumatic birth with no one but her faithful hound to support her.
"How are you doing there Mr Dad?"
"Just fine" He whispered pulling both children closer, who were now snoozing gently and contentedly, "I'm doing just fine"