The treasure hoarders Scrooge, Izzard, Greg, and the new guy Bob were having a good time in their little shack, playing Genius Invocation. It was thundering like crazy outside, but they didn't care. They had a good bit of luck lately.
Greg defeated Izzard with his Shogun Scum deck. Then, he hauled the coins to his side. As he gleefully counted the coins, he reached into his satchel and pulled out a bag of ores. They shone a rich sky blue.
"Check it out," he said. "I snatched these from a Liyue merchant on the road. Not bad, huh?"
Scrooge snorted. He reached into his knapsack and pulled out freshly pressed bedsheets. They were soft, luxurious, and tender to the touch.
"I stole these straight from that Commerce Secretary's bed in the middle of the night."
Izzard rolled his eyes. "Oh please. Take a look at this!"
He reached into his knapsack. The treasure hoarder showed off his haul: three vials of Synthe. The other treasure hoarders ooed and awed. Outside the thunder rumbled louder, shaking the ground. The lights went off.
After some groping in the dark, they lit candles.
The conversation turned to the newcomer Bob. He took out a little pouch with Mora.
"Hm, not bad," said Scrooge. "Where'd you get it?"
"I stole it."
"Obviously, but from whom?"
Bob said, "Well, I was in Mondstadt this morning. I was checking out Good Hunter when I saw this little kid buy some Sticky Honey Roast. I tailed her out of the city. Then, I ambushed her, stole the Mora, and split."
They all chuckled. "You're devious," said Izzard.
"Yeah, easiest money I ever made," said Bob. "Although the kid was pretty weird."
"Why's that?"
"She was dressed funny. Tiara, blue cape, white poofy dress—like some kind of mascot."
The older treasure hoarders went silent. One by one, they went pale as a sheet. Greg lowered his cards, stood up, and approached Bob, who stared at his Genius Invocation cards. Greg put a hand on Bob's shoulder.
"Bob," he said in a whisper. "Did this 'kid' float?"
"Yeah."
The three treasure hoarders exchanged knowing looks. Scrooge went pale.
"Oh, Gods, you stole from Paimon. Oh my Gods, you stole from Paimon?! How? How did you steal from Paimon?!"
"Well, first I beat her up."
Scrooge wet himself. "Oh my crap."
Izzard leapt up and grabbed Bob's shirt. He hoisted the hapless man into the air.
"You IDIOT! Do you have any idea what you've done?! You've doomed us all! When the traveler finds us, he's going to kill us!"
Thunder rumbled louder. Bob freed himself from Izzard's grasp and brushed off his shirt. The other three hoarders started shoving their decks into their cases, picking up their Mora, and rushing to gather their things.
"Come on. You guys are being paranoid. Nobody's going to find us way out here."
Then, there came a knock on the door. Everyone froze.
"We're too late," cried Scrooge.
"Relax," said Bob who went to open the door. "It's just the pizza I ordered."
He opened the door wide and saw what could only be described as hell on Teyvat.
A man stood at the door, wreathed in crackling electricity and a curtain of wickedly licking flames. Blood red eyes leered at Bob. With each breath from his nostrils, a whirlwind shrieked. Hands in his pockets, his white cape and golden hair billowed out behind him, framing him like an angel of death.
The traveler stepped inside the shack. A wind blew in behind him, blowing out all the candles and closing the door.
A First in Medical History by Charlotte
Local Treasure Hoarders Scrooge, Izzard, Greg, and Bob made medical history today as the first men admitted into the hospital with unprecedented injuries. Each man had been beaten black and blue within an inch of their lives, and each had a Genius Invocation Deck shoved down their throats. Additionally, Scrooge, Izzard, Greg, and Bob's heads were all shoved thirteen inches up the other men's rectums, forming a bizarre human centipede that could only get anywhere by rolling around the ground.
Local doctor Stephen remarked that he'd seen a lot, but this was certainly a first for him. "Yeah, I take an axe out of Bennett's head every day, but this is insane. They definitely didn't teach us how to deal with this in medical school."
Doctors managed to extricate the men after hours of operation. Following this, the treasure hoarders were charged with armed robbery, mugging, theft, and sexual indecency. Additionally, they were charged with public indecency as they had to roll their centipede form through Mondstadt city to reach the doctors. Unable to pay their fines, they are now sentenced to a lifetime of community service. All Mora they make shall go to their victims.
Paimon, a recent victim of the robbery, said, "Yay! This means Paimon gets an allowance forever! Sticky Honey Roast for dinner forever!"