Lugnica’s Worst Couple, a re:zero fanfic

The sound of bells echoed throughout the cathedral. Birds sang in the background as beautiful sunlight filled the room in anticipation for the couple to be.

Standing in place as the pastor was a short girl with long platinum hair, and blue eyes. She was wearing nothing except for a simple white dress, and a gentle smile adorned her face as she patiently awaited for the groom and bride to arrive.

That smile of hers grew warmer as the doors at the end of the cathedral swung open. Two flower girls entered, one who looked to be in their late twenties with a blank emotionless expression, and one who looked to be ten years old in a cute black dress who wore a very puzzled expression. Both of the girls held a basket with red flower pedals, and they carefully sprinkled them along the isle.

After the flower girls finished their task, they stepped aside so that the lucky couple could make their debut. It was Regulus, the Sin Archbishop of Greed, and Capella, the Sin Archbishop of Lust.

…

Though, the term 'lucky' was certainly up for debate.

The two had entered the scene, and they were emitting a very gloomy aura. Even the flower girls couldn't lock their eyes on the couple due to the visibly thick tension in the air.

The groom was a tall man with white hair and golden eyes. He wore a simple white tuxedo, and other than that, he was very plain and unremarkable.

As for the bride, she was much shorter than the groom. Her hair was as gold as the groom's eyes, but her eyes were as red as blood. She wore a very skimpy black dress, and she was showing off a lot of skin.

The two walked down the aisle slowly. The groom was averting his eyes from the bride, looking incredibly annoyed all while the other was constantly chanting single worded insults such as 'gross' or 'virgin' with a big smug ass grin on her face.

All except for the smiling pastor, the scene was uncomfortably long for everyone involved.

By the time the couple reached the end, the pastor shared glances between the two, her smile hadn't wavered a bit. "Bishop Emerada, and Bishop Corneas. I would first like to congratulate the both of you on your wedding day."

Capella stopped with her barrage of insults and looked at the pastor with a disgusted look. "Does this look like something that should be congratulated over?! This is only a waste of this lovely lady's precious time! If it weren't for my gospel, I'd tell this man whore to go die in a ditch! No, actually," Capella snapped her gaze back to the groom. "Go die in a ditch, man whore!"

Regulus's eye twitched in annoyance. "Do you think I want to be here, you meat obsessed woman?! You're the last person I'd ever take as one of my wives! All you ever do is yell, and complain over menial nonsense! No, actually, taking you as my bride would never come across my mind! Even if you were the last woman in existence, I would never willingly let you be within the same mile as me! The very idea of marrying you is a clear violation of my rights!"

Capella gasped. "How dare you, you ungrateful chunk of meat! Any meatbag would be the luckiest piece of trash in the world to have this lovely lady as their bride! But that's to be expected since all the world's love rightfully belongs to me! EXCEPT FOR YOURS! Your love is so worthless that I want nothing to do with it!"

Regulus rolled his eyes. "There you go again. None of my wives are allowed to speak out of turn, yet here you are doing just that. I'd like to remind you that I'm a kind, and thoughtful man. You, on the other hand, are just an ungrateful little brat who is incapable of seeing the kindness I provide! All your baseless profanities are rude! They are completely disrespectful! And they are a violation of my rights!"

"Your rights? Do you truly think your rights are that valuable? No wonder all your miserable excuses of meat that you call 'your wives' look so pathetic. They're worn out from all the vomit you endlessly spew into their ears!"

This very clearly struck a nerve as Regulus glared at the blasted girl. "Ehh? You still persist in screeching out your nonsense? And to my wives, no less? I've been a humble man for dealing with your nonsense for as long as I have, and you have been doing everything you can to test my patience. I will not allow-"

"Bishop Corneas, and Bishop Emerada." The pastor interrupted the two before they could continue. "I believe proceeding with the gospel's will should be our priority for the time being."

The bride and groom crossed their arms and looked away from each other before letting out a loud 'humph'.

The pastor looked satisfied at the two's cooperation before setting her sights to Capella. "Bishop Emerada, before we continue the ceremony, I would be overjoyed if you wore something more traditional for such a harmonious occasion."

Capella placed a single finger over her chin, actually taking the pastor's words into consideration. "Hmm, you have a point, Pandora-sama. I don't want this deadbeat to be secretly having fantasies over this lovely lady's body, after all."

After sharing her thoughts, a layer of flesh meshed over the girl's current dress. After her body shifted, and contorted for a second, Capella now wore an appropriate traditional white wedding dress.

Regulus lifted his brow at the sight of Capella's new dress. "I never thought you had the capacity to cover your arms and legs like that. At least you don't look like a prostitute anymore."

Rage boiled across Capella's face. However, she quickly swapped to a smirk as she decided to go with a counter attack instead. "Ohhhhh?~ Do you miss drooling over this lovely lady's body already? So much that you're throwing a tantrum over it? If it weren't for the fact that you're such a gross chunk of flesh, I'd be generous by giving you another peak~ It's a shame that you're so gross that your disgusting gaze would end up tarnishing this lovely lady's body. Too bad, virgin, but you can't have a peak~"

"Does it look like I have any interest in a whore of a woman like you?! I was minding my own business, and I even was kind enough to give you a compliment! This is an unforgivable offense! A complete lack of respect! This is a violation of my-"

"Bishop Corneas," The pastor known as Pandora interrupted. "I hope you can forgive my interruption, but I believe this farce between you two has delayed the gospel's will long enough. I shall continue the ceremony, and I hope the two of you can behave through its completion."

Regulus instantly glared at Pandora. "Did you just tell me what to do…? Don't get cocky, you damn woman!"

Regulus swiped his hand into the air, and in just a mere moment, a strong force surged forth, and cut both Pandora and Capella's torso clean off. Both of them flopped to the ground.

"That's what happens when you mouth off to me." Regulus complained further. "Don't interrupt me while I'm talking."

However, the scene didn't last long at all.

Capella's top half started to laugh, not even acknowledging that she was cut into two separate pieces. "You dumbass. Did you actually think you'd accomplish anything by resorting to violence? You're such an idiot with all those tumors in your brain."

After those mocking words from the vile bride, her flesh morphed just below her torso as she regenerated herself, completely undoing Regulus's attack.

Regulus's brow twitched before glaring daggers at the snickering girl. "You want to ignore my warning, and keep running your mouth? Fine, I'll crush you into a pile of blood!"

"Bishop Corneas."

Both Regulus, and Capella stopped instantly and turned to see Pandora was standing at the altar. She was perfectly fine, and all the blood that stained their surroundings had vanished before Regulus's assault.

"I will forgive your violent outburst, but you are to refrain from delaying this ceremony any longer. Do you not feel anything by disregarding the gospel's wisdom?"

The groom merely clicked his tongue, and looked away from Capella. "I'm a busy man, and I have much more important things to do than waste my time here. Let's just get this over with."

"Yeah," Capella agreed. "At least there's something that this lovely lady can agree with you on, despite you being a worthless meatbag, and all."

Not giving them a chance to cause another scene, Pandora continued with the proceedings. "Excellent. We are gathered here today to bear witness in the unification of Bishop Corneas, and Bishop Emerada through marriage."

Both the individuals in question said nothing. They only averted their eyes from each other while visibly dreading being here.

Completely ignoring the tense atmosphere, Pandora continued calmly. "May this bond not only further deepen our ranks, but may it also shine a promising light in the pursuit of love."

Both Capella, and Regulus rolled their eyes in unison. One thing they both can agree on is this wedding was anything but love. The closest this could even be remotely compared to was satisfying the morbid curiosity of a higher being.

"Now," Pandora looked to the unhappy couple with high expectations. "Bishop Corneas, as per wedding tradition, please state your vows to your future beloved."

"Vows?" Regulus narrowed his eyes. "I have married 291 times! I am already perfect in every right that vows are beneath me! This blasted woman should be content that I'm allowing such a preposterous creature to be my 292nd wife! There are no words that need to be said! Am I not already showing how generous I am by gracing my presence? I am someone who is considerate, so not showing would be out of the question for someone as caring as me. For me to assess my values in such an uncharacteristic manner that contradicts the very person I am shows a lack of consideration for others rights. From a rational perspective, this is an infringement of my rights!"

Pandora nodded her head. It was difficult to tell if she even listened to what Regulus ranted about. "Thank you, Bishop Corneas. I can tell your words speak deeply from your heart. Bishop Emerada, you may now proceed with your vows."

"Thank you, Pandora-sama. I, unlike a certain brain dead chunk of meat, have prepared some pretty word play." Before Capella continued, a sadistic grin stretched across the girl's lips before licking her lips. "I, the Sin Archbishop representing Lust, Capella Emerada Lugnica, vow on my name to endlessly remind you just how worthless of a man you are. I understand you're in desperate need of your army of whores to boost your low self esteem, but since I'm a perfect being, I will show you my generosity by adding a new flavor in your pathetic excuse you call a life. Luckily for you, this lovely lady has already prepared a tiny portion of what's to come~"

With those words, a roll of parchment shifted out of the forearm of the bride's skin. She unrolled it only to reveal about fifty feet worth of text.

…

1 hour later…

…

"There's also the manner of how you walk. Sure, it isn't anything unique like any other common slice of meat, but since it's your walk, it's gross anyways. What makes it extra gross is that you seem to make your army of whores replicate it just to make sure you degrade any other meatbags to your level which, might I remind you, managed to delve beneath even the lowest of standards."

"Bishop Emerada," Pandora finally spoke up. "I very much appreciate your passionate, and heartfelt vow, but this cannot be delayed any longer."

"Aww, are you sure, Pandora-sama? I haven't even started to read from the second list yet."

Pandora nodded. "I am very sure."

Capella giggled to herself. It was clear she already achieved her goal with her 'vow' anyways, so she dropped it. "You're right, Pandora-sama. Since it's all directed to that rotting flesh bag, it's all garbage anyways."

Pandora moved her gaze towards Regulus. She didn't say a word, only looked at him patiently.

Regulus noticed, and waved his hands over his ears. During that time, the archbishop froze time around his ear canal so that sound would be incapable of entering. "Is that meat obsessed woman done yapping? Good, this pointless ceremony has already taken enough of my time."

Capella only giggled. "Not to worry, my forgettable piece of trash, this lovely lady would be more than happy to remind you of the vows after this is all over."

"What disrespect, you inconsiderate woman! Time and time again, I have politely expressed my disinterest in hearing your mouth run. Yet you continue to spew meaningless-"

"HAAAH!~ Capella laughed aloud, interrupting Regulus's speech. "Did you actually think I give a damn about repeating those vows? It would be a privilege to even have another audience with this lovely lady. Are you mad that I won't waste anymore of MY time on a worthless excuse of a man? Go die, trash."

"You still want to interrupt me? This is unforgivable! I have proven to be nothing more than a saint for how patient I've been! Lack of any manners! No consideration! I have not once interrupted you for I am a respectful man, yet here you are throwing away my goodwill! This disregard for my considerate actions is a violation of my rights!"

Either not reading the room one bit, or perhaps straight up ignoring it at this point, Pandora continued on like everything is all well and good. "We shall now commence the final proceeding to officially draw this beautiful ceremony to its conclusion. Bishop Corneas, are you willing to place Bishop Emerada above all else, and take her to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Ehh?" Regulus squinted his eyes in rage. "Place that whore of a woman above all else? Do you think you can get away with looking down on me with such blatant disrespect?! Do you think I, the Sin Archbishop of Greed, the one with the most fulfilled existence, would take that bitch as my wife?! This amount of disrespect is the most offensive thing I have ever received! With how generous I am, I was willing to play along and wait through all these insults that I do not deserve in the slightest! Forcing this pathetic excuse of a woman onto me with such little shame is a clear violation of my rights!"

Continuing the trend of not acknowledging what the other is saying, Pandora turned her attention to Capella in order to continue the wedding. "Now, will you, Bishop Emerada, take Bishop Corneas to be your lawfully wedded husband, and share all your assets with each other?"

"Hahah~ I would never- wait, what?" Capella was about to give a smug answer, however that last comment about her assets being shared ruined that completely. Capella glared daggers at Pandora as she was about to erupt in a fit of rage. "There's no way I'm sharing any of my belongings with that unbearingly boring flesh sack! All he'll do is taint everything that's rightfully mine! I'll allow him to mess around with his whore squad all he wants, but my things are off limits!"

Pandora only kept her smile. "Beautiful, since I hadn't heard a proper 'no' from either of you, that would entail your answers are 'yes'."

"WHAT?!?!" Both Capella and Regulus cried out in unison. "You bitch-"

Not wasting a second more, Pandora cut them off once again. "If anyone has any objections to this union, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

In a panic, both Capella and Regulus raised their hands. "YES! I OBJECT!"

Pandora nodded. "Since no one whose opinion's matter objected, you both are now officially husband and wife."

Both Capella and Regulus were left speechless. They both now realized the underhanded tactic that Pandora played. She knew Regulus would complain too much to give a real answer, and she tossed in a fast one to throw Capella off for her to give one.

Before that could really sink into either of their heads, Pandora finished up, almost as if to rub salt in both of their wounds. "You may now kiss the bride."

Both of them looked as if they were about to erupt, however, Regulus suddenly turned to Capella with an odd look about him. He had a grin about him filled with madness.

"A kiss, huh?" Regulus muttered to himself. "Well, I am a kind man after all. What sort of husband would I be if I didn't oblige?"

Normally, the shift from character to this degree would horrify anyone. However, Capella wasn't anyone. Instead, the girl started laughing her ass off. "HAHAHA!~ Have the tumors in your brain really eaten away at you that much? You really are a worthless meat-"

Regulus blew Capella a kiss.

…

However…

…

This wasn't a normal kiss. A powerful force spiraled from the man's lips, and completely engulfed Capella in less than a second. Before anyone knew it, bits and chunks of the girl were splattered all over the altar.

"That's what you get!" Regulus yelled at the bits and pieces of what remained of the Sin Archbishop of Lust. "A whore of a woman like you would never be my wife! I'd rather have you as a pile of blood, that way, I know you won't run your mouth, you detestable woman!"

The chunks of flesh began to swell, expanding in size. They only continued to grow in size as the flesh started to mend back together into one piece. Where Capella previously was now stood a large fearsome black dragon. "HOW DARE YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF THIS LOVELY LADY, YOU LOWLY MAGGOT! DIE!"

"Eh? Do you think you can harm the Sin Archbishop of Greed-"

Capella sunk her claws in the ground, ripping a hole in the earth. Regulus very easily lost his balance and fell in.

All of the girl's rage instantly subsided as she started to laugh triumphantly. "Did you think I'd be stupid enough to attack you head on? Of course you would! That's because you're such a stupid meatbag who hardly utilizes the two brain cells you possess!"

A blade of force shot through the hole, instantly decapitating the dragon with once clean cut. Following the blade of force, Regulus rose from the hole without a single scratch on him. "Unforgivable! You have no respect whatsoever! To think you would-"

The head of the decapitated dragon blew black fire at Regulus, completely engulfing him.

…

In short, both Capella and Regulus spent the rest of their time trying to kill each other. Since both of them were practically immortal, the outcome was nothing short but fruitless.

The flower girls had long since evacuated in a panic.

As for Pandora, she now stood atop the rubble of the cathedral. Her eyes focused on the new couple trying to relentlessly kill one another.

"What a unique honeymoon." That was all Pandora said before giving the two lovebirds some privacy.

(--)(--)

Greetings.

The idea for this story came to be in a pretty funny way. Well, I think so at least. Recently, I've been seeing a lot of stories of people importing self inserts of what they'd do if they reincarnated as Regulus.

Someone asked what I'd do in that scenario, and I told them that I'd instantly abandon the wives. I'd then immediately hook up with Capella so that we'd make an unstoppable power couple.

However, that got me thinking.

I asked myself, "Wait a minute, can't make a good story out of this idea?"

I refuse to post oc centered stories so I tweaked the concept so that Regulus and Capella were forced to marry each other in some sort of way. How that idea came from self inserters jerking themselves off as Regulus, well, your guess is as good as mine.

That leaves to where we are now.

…

Anyways, if it wasn't obvious already, I wrote this up on a whim, so I don't have too much planned for this story's future. In fact, this is more or less a pilot chapter just to see if I wanna continue this.

If I do, I want your guy's opinion. At what point in the story should this take place? My initial thought was either right before the end of Arc 3, or before the start of arc 5. I have some ideas for those timelines.

But, if you guys have a better idea, lay it on me.

…

Regardless, that is all.