Updated: 30th December 2023 (apart from cosmetic changes, I added more dialogues between Rukia and Ulquiorra, and a new omake!)

Um… yeah, I'm still alive, if some of you have wondered… σ(^_^;)

First off, I'm REALLY SORRY for not updating for such a long time… m(_ _ )m It's been almost half a year, hasn't it? I feel horrible about that… But some things happened and I simply had no time to write anything. I could write thousands of "sorry" (Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V, FTW! (°∀°)b …Just kiddin'…), however it would just jam this page, so I'll refrain from doing it… But do know that it still wouldn't express how much remorseful I feel (´・ω・`)

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Thank you all! And so SORRY to those whose reviews I still haven't replied to… ヽ(;´ω｀)ノ It usually doesn't take me more than a week to reply… I don't have any excuse, but I will definitely answer you this weekend! So, do wait just this little bit more… (｡-人-｡)

And now, onto the chapter!

Do enjoy! (^人^)

朝霧 -Asagiri-

The Frozen Whisper
by Asagiri

Chapter 16
Realisations

Being caught red-handed, Rukia could only stare at Ulquiorra in shock mixed with shame. What worse, there was also a seed of guilt germinating in her gut. She hated it. She should be angry not guilty! However, for some unknown reason, anger was one of the last emotions she felt at the moment.

She involuntarily jumped when he closed the door louder than usual. He halted in the middle of her room, his piercing green eyes never leaving her.

"What do you think you're doing, Rukia?" he pressed her once again.

She found herself squirming under his cold gaze, barely able to face him. But why? Her hands should be itching to throw this bowl of rice at him! Instead, they were holding it unsurely, slightly shaking in nervousness… What a pathetic sight she must be! Get a grip, Rukia Kuchiki! she reprimanded herself harshly. Stifling any unnecessary thoughts and emotions, she suppressed the trembling and put on a blank mask. If anything would show itself on her face, it would be only anger she so desperately tried to kindle.

Taking a deep breath to hush her nerves, Rukia tightened her grip on the bowl. With her head held high, she walked to the food trolley. Ulquiorra watched her all the time, but she somehow managed to maintain the eye-contact without averting her gaze, even though all she wanted to do was hide somewhere away from him.

"Nothing," she grumbled through gritted teeth and put the bowl of rice on the tray with an ostentatious bang. Folding her arms in front of her chest, she added coldly, "Nothing you should concern yourself with."

・

Ulquiorra blinked at her words. He had said the same thing to her a few days ago, when she had asked what he was busy with. Was she bitter about that or was it only a coincidence she had just used the same exact words? Either way, it didn't matter at the moment, so he returned to the problem at hand, "What do you want to achieve by that?"

Rukia looked at him confused. Did it mean that there was no deliberate purpose behind her foolish actions?

"Rukia…" he urged her for an answer, and took a few steps towards her. Less than six feet was between them now.

She narrowed her eyes at him, and bristled, "And why do you even care?!"

"You're under my custody," Ulquiorra replied matter-of-factly. He decided to leave it at this, lest she got some wrong ideas.

"How could I forget…" she spat bitterly.

Since Rukia didn't seem compelled to answer him, he tried guessing, "Is this some self-imposed punishment? Or are you just trying to spite me?" When she didn't reply, he continued, "Don't be a fool, Rukia. If anything, you should be upset with your friends. It took them two whole weeks to take any action. And what do they do? They send the weakest and most valuable person with no leverage for a hostage exchange. The last thing you wanted them to do. It's laughable that I get it better than them. The heart you speak of is just misplaced expectations and a spiral of hurt."

She frowned, a mix of emotions passing through her face. But all she could say to that was, "You're wrong…"

"Am I?" Ulquiorra returned with a question. To better illustrate his point he said, "Let's take the current situation as an example. Your Human friend keeps asking about your well-being. Imagine her reaction when she learns you're trying to starve yourself to death because of her. Will she also be upset and refuse to eat?"

Rukia's eyes widened, and she shook her head as if pleading him to keep quiet. "You're just vicious."

"Since when facts are vicious?" he asked coldly. He was just trying to look out for her, and here she was misunderstanding him.

"Weren't it for you—"

"Weren't it for me," he interrupted her, "you'd be long dead."

"Perhaps it would have been for the better," she retorted. Her voice was hued with anger, but her eyes were full of sadness.

"For the worse," Ulquiorra was quick to respond, even though he knew she didn't really mean it. "It wouldn't have changed anything then. I would still have made them think you were alive. Orihime Inoue would still have come." He was glad he had been able to save her. She might be a pain in the neck sometimes, but now he couldn't even imagine how it would have been if he had let her die then. It would have been peaceful and uneventful two weeks for sure. Meaningless, though.

・

Rukia didn't know what to think, too hurt and too confused. Ulquiorra's intense gaze boring into her soul wasn't helping, too.

His words were cold and cruel, and she just felt like punching him again for them. Yet, as much as she wanted to reject them for being only such, she couldn't help but note that some of them bore a hint of consolation. It could be a stretch, but he seemed to be telling her that she wasn't to be blamed for the current situation, and that it was good that she was alive. He was still a huge jerk about it, though.

She had no comeback, and her cool composure was beginning to falter. Wanting to be alone, she shook her head and raised her hands in a manner of closing a discussion with no further comment. She turned around to go sit on the bed and watch him leave, or better yet, to hide in the bathroom…

However, when she was about to take a step away from Ulquiorra, his hand grasped her elbow, stopping her in her tracks. Her breath hitched a little and her heart started beating faster in apprehension. What did he want with her? Couldn't he just leave her be?

"Let go," Rukia said in a low voice, refusing to look at him again. Not only he didn't release her, but he actually tightened his grip on her. So she repeated more forcefully, "Let go, I—"

He spun her roughly, so she was now facing him. She glared at him vehemently, even though she knew well that such empty threats didn't work on him at all.

"I'm not done with you, yet, Rukia," Ulquiorra said slowly and catching her right hand he lifted it to examine it. She tried to wriggle free, but his hold was firm. "Stay still," he ordered. Seeing she had no choice, she complied grudgingly.

Taking off her glove and removing the gauze, he looked closely at her bruise. His hands, warm and sure, pressed her hand gently to check for any fractures. No matter how careful he was, he still made her wince slightly in pain.

"Why don't you heal it with a Healing Spell?" he asked. "I get why you didn't heal your lip, trying to make me feel bad about it. And for the record, it works. But this? Is this also a self-punishment?"

She had no reply to that, so she sent him a glare and a threat, "Do you want to get punched again?"

Ulquiorra lifted her hand even higher, and brought it to his cheek. "Go ahead," he challenged her.

Rukia clenched her fist. She really wanted to do it, while at the same time she didn't. Why was she hesitating? Was it because she knew she wasn't able to hurt him? Or was it because she actually didn't want to hurt him? She relaxed her fist, admitting defeat. Averting her gaze, she grumbled, "I hate you."

He lowered her hand, and redressed her wound. Returning her glove to her, he simply said, "You don't."

"What?" Frowning, she looked back at him. What was he saying?

"You don't hate me," Ulquiorra stated, and was really casual about it, with his hands back in his pockets. At the same time, his scrutinising gaze was on her, curiously studying her features.

Rukia glared at him, but it was half-hearted. What she couldn't do with her gaze, she made up for with her voice, cold venom dripping from her every word, "I hate you." She so wanted to believe it, but it was a lie. Even though this is how she should be feeling about him after all he had said and done! Not this… whatever this misery was.

"You're upset with me, you're disappointed in me, but you don't hate me."

Yeah, that, more or less. Damn you, Ulquiorra, she cursed inwardly. How well could he read her? Not that she had given him a hard job – until two days ago she was so comfortable around him, that she basically wore her heart on her sleeve. She was such a fool! She should have known better! He never returned the favour, after all. No matter how much she tried, she was unable to even guess what he might be thinking. If he felt anything while looking at her, it was obscured by an impenetrable wall of impassiveness. It was unfair!

Oh, what an utter fool she was!

・

Ulquiorra was quite sure he guessed it right. Rukia's reaction seemed to confirm it. Her words were harsh, but they were a desperate attempt to convince herself – and him – that it was the truth. He still didn't like hearing them, though. Fortunately, he found comfort in her eyes – sad, but with no trace of hatred.

He continued, trying to nudge her to reveal more, "You wanted to trust me, and I betrayed that trust. You have every reason to hate me, yet you don't. Why?"

"What are you talking about?" Rukia asked with incredulity, but it seemed forced. "We're enemies, why would I trust you?"

"We're not enemies, you and I."

She shook her head. "We are, you made it clear." Was it his imagination, or did she sound bitter about it?

Ulquiorra sighed. "For argument's sake, let's suppose we are. Despite this you still don't hate me. Why?" he asked again. He was curious what she really thought about him. Was there a sliver of chance to get back into her good graces?

Rukia scoffed, and of course wouldn't give him a direct reply, opting to be stubborn about it. "You already act like you know how I feel, so you can answer the rest yourself, too."

"Rukia…"

She shot him a glare. "Better riddle me this – why have you brought Inoue back?"

Ulquiorra raised his eyebrows in surprise at the sudden change of topic. She was adamant to avoid replying to his question, wasn't she? However, perhaps it would be better to first tackle this matter. Would she understand his position? Would it redeem him in her eyes at least a bit or would it condemn him even further?

"Orders," he answered simply. He was about to leave it at that, but eventually decided to elaborate, "I had orders to bring Orihime Inoue in before, and since she was taken away, I deemed them back in force. And at that moment you seemed like a perfect reason for her to come back to Aizen-sama. I just needed to add a small narrative, insignificant at first glance… but your friends caught on and knew you were here. All that was left was to wait for her to come."

Rukia stared at him with her eyes wide. Suddenly he remembered that abominable thought of his to pluck one of her orbs out and send it to the Human woman if she dawdled for too long. She had such beautiful eyes… What had been wrong with him to even consider something this horrible?

"You're just cruel…" she whispered at last, a wretched look on her face.

"Perhaps," Ulquiorra replied. "But I would do almost anything for Aizen-sama."

Rukia frowned. Her tone was imbued with anger, when she asked, "Why do you even serve him?"

He paused. Unwilling to talk about it, he only said, "I have my reasons."

"What are they?" she insisted with another question, urging him for answers.

He studied her face. She was now focused on him, so curiosity and determination dominated her features. Ironically, now it was his time to be evasive. "You wouldn't understand. Forget it." He cut it short and turned around to leave, but decided to warn her, "If you don't eat properly—"

Her small hand closed around his right wrist, stopping him in his tracks. An odd, but not unpleasant feeling stirred in his chest.

・

Rukia had no clue what she was doing, but here she was, holding Ulquiorra by his wrist, so he would stay and reply to her questions. She wanted to understand him. Or at least try to…

"Tell me," she demanded, and tightened her grip to let him know she wasn't going to let him off the hook easily.

He turned his head a bit, enough to look at her from the corner of his eye. He chided her, "You don't answer my questions, but expect me to answer yours?"

Rukia pursed her lip. He had a point. Embarrassed, she looked away, and unhappily admitted, "Because I don't know what to answer you, okay? I only know what I should be feeling, but in reality everything is… just jumbled." She should be hating him, she should be pushing him away… and yet she was doing the complete opposite. She even gently tugged at his arm, so he would turn around to face her. Resolutely holding his gaze, she added, "And you have clear reasons. Tell me what they are."

"Why do you want to know?" Ulquiorra asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"I… You say that I wouldn't understand you… But you won't know that unless you try… So, try me." Rukia hoped she didn't give away too much. As much as she wanted to understand him, he was her enemy. Showing interest – a personal interest, nonetheless – was… inappropriate, to say the least. But she needed to know. Perhaps it would help her sort the mess of her own feelings out. "Aizen is a Shinigami, yet you became his subordinate. Why?"

His eyes hardened for a moment, but soon returned to their usual impassiveness. "I respect him more than anyone else. I haven't met a man more intelligent or powerful; or more fearless than him. Serving him is an honour. Not to mention, I owe him a lot."

"What do you owe him?" she was quick to ask, afraid that if she didn't, a chance like this would never happen again. She would be left in suspense with only confusion eating at her mind.

Ulquiorra visibly hesitated. Eventually, he said, "He freed me. He freed all of us, Arrancars."

Rukia knitted her eyebrows together, unsure what he meant by that. "From what?"

"Emptiness. Madness. Despair. Insatiate hunger."

A harrowing feeling washed over her, amassing in the pit of her stomach into a painful understanding. His voice, tuned just slightly different from his usual one, sent a chill down her spine. At first glance, his expression was as impassive as always, but when she looked closely, she noticed his jaws were clenched. And his eyes! She could see remnants of that Hollow darkness whirling in them. Afraid, she wanted to take her hand away from him and just ran away and hide. At the last moment, however, she steeled her nerves, and actually managed to squeeze his wrist tighter, just in case… if he needed some comfort.

Ulquiorra looked down at her hand and back at her, a hint of bewilderment in his face. Composing himself, he elaborated, "They're the essence of a Hollow's existence. Once you become a Hollow, that's all you can feel. You lose the control over yourself, you lose the sense of yourself… Do you know that feeling?"

Rukia could only shake her head, a shadow of terror creeping into her chest, squeezing her lungs and heart. Her breath trembled and she couldn't find a voice in her throat.

"Have you ever lost your mind? Not just figuratively, but literally?" he continued, watching her closely. "Have you ever felt such a hunger that the more you ate the more it grew? No matter how much you filled it, you were still empty? Emptier and emptier… And more desperate to quench it. Whether you want it or not, you have to devour Souls and other Hollows, like it's ingrained into your existence. And it's the only way to regain a semblance of yourself."

Staring at him wide-eyed, Rukia swallowed hard. She had never given much thought to Hollows and their existence… their feelings. Actually, she hadn't been aware they felt anything. They were just… Hollows, nothing more, nothing less. Most of them mindlessly hunted for Souls, be it living or dead Humans, or sometimes Shinigamis. All she had taken from the Shin'ō Academy regarding Hollows was that one of her duties as a Shinigami was to cut through their caricatural masks and send them to Soul Society. She knew they were once Humans, either evil or troubled, so it wasn't like she hated them. However, it seemed she had been completely ignorant to their struggles. A feeling of guilt washed over her, shaking her to the core.

Ulquiorra went on, "And when you become an Adjuchas, when you finally have some control over yourself, you still have to devour Souls and Hollows or you'd be degraded to a Gillian without a second chance of repossessing your consciousness again. Even after becoming a Vasto Lorde it's necessary to keep your own mind clear."

Her heart ached for him. Realising she was inadequate to even try to comfort him, especially in such a tepid manner, she slowly retracted her hand and let it hang by her side.

・

Ulquiorra fell silent, suddenly deprived of Rukia's grasp. Her hand was cool, but with it gone, he felt cold. A bitter thought that perhaps she had enough listening to him crossed his mind. Yet, she stood still in front of him, waiting. She seemed deeply affected by his words, and she let it show on her face. Her eyes glistened with sadness and guilt, and… was that sympathy?

The irony of it! He, a Hollow was just bestowed such an uncommon feeling by her, a Shinigami! Was the world coming to an end?

Then a certain realisation hit him. A realisation that put everything in a completely new light…

He was drawn to her because of what she was!

After all, for Hollows Shinigamis tasted the best; they were like a moment of sheer bliss when devoured. Their sweet essence was like a tranquilliser for tormented senses, even if its effect lasted mere seconds. He looked at Rukia's lip – rosy, plump and wounded – and remembered her blood was just like honey. A sudden urge to grab her face and savour her again overcame him, but he suppressed it.

Did it mean that there was no will of his in it? Was a notion that she meant something to him a plain delusion? Had he mistaken a hunger for something more complex and deeper? After all, the way he perceived his surroundings was now quite different from the time when he had been a Menos or even a Vasto Lorde. More than likely he could have misinterpreted certain things.

Was it yet another thing he was unable to control?

Ulquiorra peered at Rukia again, this time with his eyes opened anew. That look she was giving him… it wasn't sympathy… It was just a pity, wasn't it? That was all she could give him…

He didn't want any pity from a mere Shinigami. It was humiliating.

What had he been thinking in the first place? Why had he told her all of this? There was no way a Shinigami could understand a Hollow's anguish! It was unfathomable, unless you experienced it first-hand. You cannot imagine the utter despair of the seemingly never-ending circle of regaining your consciousness and then losing it almost immediately. Or the mind-shattering, gut-wrenching hunger!

It was foolish of him to think that she could understand him.

And Rukia was still giving him that pitying look. It angered him. He wanted her to stop looking at him this way. He wanted to see her suffer, to relish in her pain and fear. That was how it was supposed to be between them, after all. His lapses of senses, and her obliviousness to being a prey… It all was leading to tragedy.

Ulquiorra flexed his fingers, hidden in his pockets… Surprisingly, he couldn't bring himself to hurt her, not like this.

He decided to vent his resentments in a different way. Facts could be a bitter pill to swallow, after all.

Derision laced his voice, when he said, "And the irony is that basically Hollows come to existence because of you, Shinigamis."

Rukia gaped at him, taken aback.

"After all, where were you when a Soul was changing into a Hollow? The transformation usually takes time, months, sometimes even years... Am I right? Isn't it your principal duty to get Souls over to Soul Society? Yet, there's many neglected for long enough to become Hollows."

She squirmed under his gaze, unable to deny his accusations.

"You Shinigamis don't really care about Souls, do you?" Ulquiorra went on mercilessly. "Whether they get to Soul Society on their own, or wander the Human World, or get eaten by a Hollow… and even less when they become a Hollow. It's just their luck... or lack thereof."

"You're wrong," Rukia disagreed, her voice firm but her posture not so much. "We do our best to perform a Soul Burial on wandering Souls! It's just that the Human World is vast, and there's only so many of us!"

"Isn't it just some flimsy excuse?" he scoffed. "No, you don't care about Souls. And once faced with a Hollow, you so easily forget that they were once a normal Soul that you failed. All you see in us are monsters that need to be exterminated."

She shook her head frantically, as if trying to reject the thought alone. "That's not true! We never forget that! And—"

"Are you trying to tell me that it's not your fault?" Ulquiorra interrupted her harshly. "That it just happens? A tragic accident, a coincidence that involves so many Souls?" He couldn't bite back a mockery from his voice, when he added, "So maybe we should just let you cut us down? That would be in our best interest, wouldn't it? …Ridiculous."

Having experienced the hell of a Hollow's existence, during which he devoured thousands of Hollows himself, he didn't necessarily think that getting cut by a Shinigami to get purified was necessarily a horrendous thing. It was just the attitude of Shinigamis that absolutely maddened him. Despite their incompetence, they sure were a conceited bunch, rotten to the core.

"No!" Rukia cried pathetically, "You're wrong… You're wrong…" she repeated meekly with no confidence in her voice whatsoever.

"Am I?" Ulquiorra asked. With one step he closed the gap between them. She tried to move away, but he caught her hands into his, pinning her down in place. She feebly fought to free herself, but his grip was strong, painful even. With one of her hands he unzipped his jacket, exposing the hole in his chest. He brought her fingers to it, so she could feel it.

"So tell me, Rukia, where were you when my Chain of Fate was slowly corroding?" he asked her, his tone forbidding. "Where were you when I was slowly losing my mind? When my heart was slowly being ripped out? When I finally lost them both?"

・

Rukia's throat was clenched with sorrow. All she could do was shake her head fervently, trying to deny Ulquiorra's accusations… That he was wrong. She wished to tell him that if she had seen his wandering Soul, she would have readily sent him to Soul Society. That if he (had) let her, she would (have done) do everything in her might to ease his pain… Then again, did she have any right to tell him all that?

Tears began to well up in her eyes, but she blinked them away. She was pretty sure he would feel insulted if he saw her crying for him.

A growing understanding settled in her stomach. He wasn't wrong, it was her.

As much as she knew Hollows were once Souls, when had been the last time she actually acknowledged that? As for Soul Burial… weren't they performing it mainly only during Shinigami training while in the Shin'ō Academy? And after graduating only when accidentally encountered with such a Soul? It was seen as a task for rookies by most.

Ulquiorra was right and that realisation was horrible. Not because the truth was on his side and she had been ignorant for almost her whole Shinigami career. No. It wasn't the issue of who was right and who was wrong. What mattered here was that many Souls got neglected; that she and all other Shinigamis had a blemish on their name. That was absolutely horrible.

However, at this moment, what Rukia couldn't bear the most were his eyes. She was overwhelmed by their biting coldness. They arouse fear in her. Not for her well-being, though. She was scared of what he was thinking of her. Wishing nothing more but to hide from his frigid glare, she fought his grip again.

Finally, Ulquiorra let go of her hands as if she was burning him. She fell down to her knees. Raising her head up to look at him, she only saw his back as he walked towards the door.

She wanted to call after him, to stop him, to make him look at her properly, but no sound left her throat. So she just watched him, silent and tearful. He didn't even spare her a glance nor a word.

Deep down, Rukia knew it was for the better. They were enemies. This was how it was supposed to be between them. Hatred, animosity, and distance. That fleeting amiability they had shared for a few days was just an odd anomaly… It had to go. But then, why was she feeling heartbroken?

Ulquiorra closed the door with an angry bang.

A single tear slid down her cheek. Soon it was followed by more.

OMAKE

Rukia's heart ached for Ulquiorra and his ordeal. Realising such tepid manner of comfort was inadequate, she let go of his wrist… and slid her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly.

He stiffened.

But he didn't push her away.

No words could express her grief, and no words could alleviate the pain of his past and even present, too. So she just held him silently, listening to his heartbeat, hoping that she could give him at least an ounce of consolation.

After a while, he let out a shaky sigh and tentatively put his arms around her.

A/N:

Yes, I know it's short… (＞＜;) But I had no time to write more and I still haven't decided what exactly I want to put after this scene, as there are two different ideas in my mind and I don't know which one to choose, yet. So I decided to finish this chapter here, otherwise you'd be waiting for it much longer… (＾-＾ゞ

Sorry once again for the wait!

I really hope you don't want to kill me for it (((( ;°Д°)))) though I guess I deserve at least a hard smack on the head… Well, I'm ready for any harsh words you might have for me (_ _。)

Still, hoping you liked this chapter… (^_^;) Few things got explained and of course: more drama! I'm starting to think I might have treated Rukia and Ulquiorra a little bit cruelly this time… (≧▽≦;) hahaha… Oh well, they'll live somehow…

Until then! (o^-')b

朝霧 -Asagiri-