Okay, so who thought I was dead? (°∀°) (Though I do hope that on this Friday the 13th Jason won't come to get me, hahahaha...)
Hey there! I'm alive and doing good, well maybe except the writing, 'cause it's been like 567 days since my last update, if my calculations aren't wrong. I guess I broke my record here, though it's not something to boast about, rather on the contrary — I should be ashamed of myself... Which I am. Terribly. (´＿｀｡)
I started writing this chapter sometime around the beginning of this year, but after this long break it was quite difficult to get back to writing, not to mention all that daily things that kept me busy, hence the time it took me to finish it.
Here I'd like to thank all of you, who wrote me a message asking how I'm doing, some even nagging me to move my lazy arse and write the new chapter. That really motivated me, you have my most heartfelt gratitude. This chapter is for you, guys!
And of course I would also like to thank those who reviewed since the last chapter!
RainingNothing, hasegawa, indefinitelyhigh, LinG08, Cethron, SunRises, Polaris-Sakura, TheMadamesOfInsanity, Sepsis, OnlyIntuition, byakuyalover06, Kita of Nature, AnimeFanx3, Zadite, SweetestChick, ASUKA, wickedsistah1024, chacra, Someone I love, greenisnotyourenemy2737, KarinHitsugaya, Kurosu, apple21, Autumn, AutumnVonBach, Itachi's CherryBlossom, Keiren-Kun89, Fleur Mai, Tintaglia In Flight, Kamix, FearNot, dreykgor, Alexa H, anna chan, AkuRokuTurkTrainee, Guest
THANK YOU! I love you guys! Though I know I haven't replied to the most of your reviews... I wanted to do so before posting this chapter, but there's been changes to the site and I'm not sure whether you'd like to have my ramble in your inbox... But after giving it some thought I decided that I will answer you anyway — after all you can always delete it! Yay! ヾ(＠^▽^＠)ﾉ So yeah, expect some nonsense from me in the following weeks! I'm quite busy at the moment writing my final thesis, so it'll take me some time, but I will most surely write every one of you at least few pointless words! So bear with me. Anonymous reviewers should find their reply on my profile.
Enough of those author notes — time for the new chapter!
Please, do enjoy! (^ε^)
朝霧 -Asagiri-
The Frozen Whisper
by Asagiri
Chapter 19
Distance
Rukia was sitting on her bed, dazedly staring at the door through which Ulquiorra had left her room. What had just happened seemed totally unreal for her. Something like that could only happen in the wildest of dreams after all! But could she ever dream such dreams? ...No. She would never allow herself to indulge in such fancies that bore almost no relevance to reality if any. They were too abstract. Too… dangerous. Besides, she had no time for such trivial reveries.
Yet, it had just happened. No more than few moments ago Ulquiorra had kissed her.
He. Had. Kissed. Her.
The idea of such thing taking place might seem like something nonsensical, something that could never ever see the light of day even in the alternate universes, but she still could feel his lips caressing hers, his hands holding and touching her; the warmth of his body pressed to her was still lingering on her skin.
True, he had kissed her before, she could remember that all right. That time she'd been completely taken aback by his action, but there had also been a fear that enveloped every inch of her. That kiss then had seemed like a calculated action, something without any emotion contained in it, cold and unfeeling. And it had been followed by matching brutal words.
"You've served your purpose well, woman."
A cold shiver ran down her spine at the memory… That awful memory...
She quickly shook her head to banish it from her mind.
But the way he had kissed her a moment ago… It was different. A complete opposite. It was gentle but at the same time there was a craving for more, soft but firm… Warm, just like a real kiss should feel like.
She could still feel her heart fluttering wildly at the sweet sensation that had engulfed her then. Or the way he had held her in that strong yet gentle embrace — she felt safe in his arms. And... needed. With a soft smile, which she mightn't be aware of, she immersed herself in this memory, trying to remember every tiny detail from those few seconds they had shared together.
Rukia touched her lips again. There was no evidence left that his lips had been on hers, but she was sure as hell that she hadn't confabulated that kiss. Or at least she hoped she hadn't or else it would mean she was becoming delusional — perhaps a sign of a culpable obsession with the 4th Espada (which was beyond the bound of possibility, obviously).
That was when she noticed a heavy feeling creeping in her abdomen. A feeling telling her she'd done something wrong, unacceptable. She slid her hands into her hair slightly pulling them in a sign of sudden dejection.
Or maybe it would be better if she were delusional? This way she would be in her little crazy world — a place where she wouldn't be feeling that she had just done probably the worst thing in her whole Shinigami life. Getting involved with the enemy like this wasn't very wise and although she tried to ignore it, the word "treachery" was faintly echoing in the back of her mind.
But it wasn't as if she had done it all intentionally. She didn't want it (right?), it simply had happened.
It was the truth that she had some fondness for Ulquiorra. He treated her well even though he could do anything he pleased to her and with her, killing her being the most merciful of them all. Her life was in his hands. Yet it seemed that he respected her and even accepted her despite her being a Shinigami. He gave her no reason to hate him and she wasn't one to despise him for being who he was.
But it didn't mean she harboured some deeper feelings for him, did it? Just fondness. A simple fondness resulting from gratitude. She had enjoyed the kiss because... Because...
Oh, she was so confounded as to what she should think and feel. Her heart and her mind were in confusion, one having a different opinion on the matter than another.
Realising this musing was getting her nowhere, Rukia decided it was a good time for a night bath, where she could clear her mind and calm down that turmoil inside. A turmoil of mixed consternation, fear and that odd emotion similar to happiness.
Ulquiorra, on the other hand, felt oddly tranquil like he probably had never felt in his life. Inner peace and something akin to contentment filled him and almost entirely enveloped that perennial emptiness. A completely new feeling for him. And again it was because of her.
She was like a medicine for his fragmented soul. Or maybe a "drug" was more suitable word. For he wanted her more and more, that desire was growing stronger every time he saw her or even thought about her.
Even now, when he was strolling down the corridor that led to the Control Room, he wanted to turn around and go to her. Go to her and look at her, smell her, feel her, touch her... To just sit there with her nearby. They never talked much, neither of them being a talkative type, but suddenly he felt that he wouldn't mind just chatting with her about some random subject or whatever, only so he could hear her voice.
It was as if he was getting addicted to her. When she was near him, she brought him peace, she soothed his broken soul, she made him feel whole. But when she was somewhere else, somewhere far from him, the emptiness reminded him of itself and began swallowing him up again.
So Rukia was like a drug to him. He wanted her more. He needed her more.
A drug indeed.
And surprisingly enough, he didn't mind the addiction.
He had already claimed her lips, but he wanted more; he wanted to claim her entire being. When he had kissed her, it took all his strong will to do just that and not anything else. He was aware that he still needed time to be able to fully control himself when it concerned Rukia, otherwise he might hurt her, even devour her unintentionally.
Despite her frail and breakable appearance, he knew she was strong, but he also knew she wouldn't be able to defend herself from him had he lost control. Therefore he had to be cautious and conscious all the time. The last thing he wanted to do was to break her. He wanted to keep her safe from men of Nnoitra type but also from himself.
Speaking of that lecherous bastard... He had some unfinished business with him.
Why? Why had he kissed her? Why had she enjoyed it? Why hadn't she slapped him and run away? Oh, why, why, why—?
WHY? This question was plaguing her mind with the same intensity as the image of her and Ulquiorra's kiss. Needles to say, the bath that was supposed to help her clear her mind and calm down swirling emotions didn't help much. She was still in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror, looking herself in the eye, an austere expression on her face.
The only thing that changed was that that happy and dreamy state she had been in before, now turned into apprehension and self-reproach. (She realised she was in that rebuke-deserving state when soaking in the bathtub, she visualised Ulquiorra walking in and starting to kiss her senselessly... And was it all mushy and corny! Gods! ... Thoughts like that should never ever surface! Dammit!)
She got too close to him! This wouldn't have happened if she had kept herself away from him. Then she wouldn't have warmed up to him and this disaster wouldn't have happened. And even if he kissed her, it would be like the first one — cold, unfeeling and without any meaning.
But this one... This one had a meaning. She wasn't sure what meaning exactly, but undeniably there was one. Maybe it would be better if she didn't know? Because she had a clue at least to what it meant for her...
Because that fondness she felt towards Ulquiorra, actually might have been something else... Something more... She might in fact li—
NO! Stop it right there! Don't you even dare treading in that direction!, she berated herself looking sharply at her reflection in the mirror. She shouldn't be thinking about it! It shouldn't matter! It was the last thing she needed at the moment. Or ever, for that matter.
Sighing exasperatedly, Rukia returned back to her room and sat on the bed hiding her face in her hands. She felt like crying from unnamed feeling that started coiling itself around her intestines. It was heavy and blunt.
Struggling to ignore it, even to smother her emotions, she tried to think rationally. Coldly. After all she was reasonable, sometimes even too reasonable.
She called up her sense of duty. Any deeper feelings for the enemy weakened her, weakened her will to fight them all. Because in order to win this war, the enemies should be eliminated entirely. With no exceptions! She was sure this would be Commander-General Yamamoto's order. None of them should survive or they might come back for revenge one day, undoubtedly stronger, and they were formidable foes even now. Soul Society couldn't risk anything, therefore every single Arrancar, not to mention the three traitors, should die.
She called up here sense of pride — pride of being a Kuchiki and a Shinigami. She shouldn't be harbouring any warmer feelings towards him, an enemy and an Arrancar. Definitely not. This was a war. There was no place for emotions, not even sympathy and especially not for someone who was on the other side and was a natural pernicious antithesis to her kind at that.
She called up her sense of friendship. She should never forget that it was Ulquiorra who had taken Inoue to Las Noches the first time. And the second time as well. Arisawa Tatsuki too had been almost killed when he came to the Human World the first time. Not to mention that he wouldn't even hesitate before killing her loved ones.
She called up her reason. Whatever warmer feelings beside respect she might be feeling towards him was not only wrong, but ridiculous, absurd and impossible. Because come on! He was her enemy! The enemy of Soul Society! They were at bloody war! She should be well aware that there were only two possible outcomes — it would be either a victory of Soul Society where he would die, or victory of Aizen where she would die. One of them would most certainly perish in this war, therefore any feelings were only an inconvenience. A redundancy that brought nothing but trouble.
In her life and especially in this whole mess she was currently involved in, there was absolutely and undoubtedly no place, not even the tiniest of the tiniest spot for something this preposterous like feelings for Ulquiorra. Period. How she had come to harbour them in the first place was an unfathomable mystery to her, but now all that mattered was to do away with them completely and thoroughly.
Determined to distance herself from him, she lay on the bed and tried to fall asleep. However despite her best attempts to think ill of him and even using "the enemy" or simply "he" instead of his name, the memories of that kiss and how sweet it was wouldn't stop haunting her throughout the night.
And many questions that still remained unanswered also disturbed her attempts at catching some sleep. What should she do? How should she act in front of him? Or towards him?
And of course the one to which she wanted to know the answer the most and at the same time greatly dreaded: Why had he kissed her in the first place?
"Ichimaru," the 4th Espada greeted his superior, who was sitting by the panels of the Control Room. It seemed that playing with all that machinery became his favourite past time activity.
"Ah, Ulquiorra! How ar'ya? How's Rukia-chan?" the silver-haired man replied cheerfully. He had yet to look at him as he appeared to be preoccupied with some scheming, for he was tracing his fingers on a panel, grinning mischievously. Perhaps again he was changing corridors' routes for his amusement?
"I'm looking for Nnoitra," he answered skipping the courtesy. "Do you happen to know his whereabouts?"
However Gin acted as if he didn't hear him, for he continued with his previous questions. "Gettin' along with 'er?"
Ulquiorra sighed inwardly. Knowing there was no chance of avoiding it, he gave a general answer, "She can be a problem sometimes but nothing I can't handle."
Gin laughed at that and finally looked at him.
"Heard you allowed Rukia-chan to meet with Orihime-chan," the fox-faced Shinigami said in what appeared to be a casual tone, but there was something in the way he squinted his eyes that gave him an expression even slyer than usual.
The Espada merely nodded his head, confirming it. Besides, he neither felt inclined to nor had anything to say about it. He wanted to get back to his search for Nnoitra as quickly as possible. The sooner he found that bastard the sooner he would get rid of this combination of nuisance and danger.
Unfortunately for him, it seemed that Gin wouldn't let him off the hook this easily. Scanning him with a suspicious, intense gaze that made him quite uncomfortable, he asked, "Why?"
"Minds at ease are easier to control," Ulquiorra replied passionlessly after a slight pause. Inwardly he was wondering, why exactly he had allowed them to meet. He was supposed to gain something from it, wasn't he? So what had he gained? He did gain a promise from Rukia that she would stop doing stupid things like going on foolish escapades that only put her in great danger. But was there anything else?
However he had no time to think deeper into it as Gin's mocking grin became even wider. It was obvious he didn't exactly believe him.
"Ah so?"
The 4th Espada decided to ignore his gaze that was accusing him of a lie and asking for the real answer. He had a business to attend and needed information. "Anyway, I'm looking for Nnoitra. Lately he's been hiding his reiatsu. I have an unfinished business with him."
"Admit it, ya like 'er, don'tcha?" the silver-haired Shinigami asked foxily, a teasing glint visible in his squinted eyes.
"…" This sudden and totally unrelated to the matter question almost made Ulquiorra's left eye twitch in annoyance. However he did send few silent curses at his superior. And he did visualise wiping off that smirk with a hard smash to the wall — a satisfying mental picture indeed.
"I'll take it as a 'yes'." Gin's grin became even more impish, "Does she like ya back?"
Possibly. The thought crossed Ulquiorra's mind alongside the memories of how she acted towards him or how she looked at him. But there was no chance he would ever say it aloud. However he was getting impatient, so he gave a reply that would be expected from him.
"I have no particular feelings towards that woman. I'm an Arrancar," he said matter-of-factly as if it explained everything. "As for her, I doubt she would betray her kin to have feelings for something like me."
"Opposites attract, they say," Gin said jokingly. "Relax, Ulquiorra, likin' 'er won't kill ya..." And then he added as if in afterthought, his infuriating grin never wavering on his face, "Hopefully."
Irked for it seemed he was wasting his time here, Ulquiorra made a move to leave. Only then the silver-haired Shinigami said something substantial on the subject that greatly interested him and not some insinuating questions or ambiguous statements whatever their purpose was, if they had any at all. Expect, of course, irritating or disconcerting him to no end.
"As fer Nnoitra, capt'n Aizen's havin' a meeting with all Espadas tomorrow in the evenin'. All of ya should get a notice by the mornin'. He should show up then."
The green-eyed Arrancar nodded his head in gratitude and moved for the door. He wanted to get out from there as quickly as possible, but was stopped midway by his superior's voice, much to his annoyance.
"So, what did he do to get yer hackles up?" Gin asked casually, but when it seemed Ulquiorra wouldn't answer him, he tried guessing. It wasn't that difficult anyway. "Again tried to lay his dirty fingers on our sweet Rukia-chan?"
Mine, the 4th Espada automatically corrected his superior in his mind, but didn't say anything out loud.
"I gather ya stopped him before he harmed 'er?"
Ulquiorra slightly turned his head to observe him from the corner of his eye. That ever-present grin was there, but something was different. He couldn't place his finger on what it might be, but it made him reply to Gin's question, "I arrived just in time."
"Good. So what ar'ya plannin' to do with him?" No muscle on the silver-haired Shinigami's face seemed to move, but suddenly his expression again seemed different. A trick of light, perhaps?
"I will make sure he won't make the same mistake ever again," the Espada answered coolly.
"Scary…" Gin commented laughingly, immediately catching on the meaning of his words. Then he added in a more serious note, "Capt'n Aizen won't be pleased, though."
Ulquiorra nodded, indicating he was aware of that and after saying parting words to his superior, he finally left the room. But before he closed the door after himself, he heard Gin's cheerful shout and accompanying laughter.
"Knew ya liked 'er!"
The first rays of morning sun, that fake sun of Las Noches, found Rukia sitting on her bed, wide awake. She snuggled under the covers, keeping them tight around her petite body as if she was looking for some kind of comfort in their warm 'embrace'.
Needless to say, she wasn't the happiest thing in the world. And it didn't help that this world was the realm of Hollows. Nor did it help that she had hardly got a wink of sleep during the night. Nor did the fact that soon she would have to face him — her enemy number one at the moment, the source of her current confused state of mind and heart.
How the hell should she act in front of him now? How would he act in front of her?
It would be great if both of them acted as if nothing (read: that sweet, knee-melting and nothing but intimate kiss) had ever happened between them.
But she felt in her gut that the fate wouldn't be this kind, oh no. She should by now come to terms with the fact that the fate simply loved to torment her and expose her to different and — what couldn't go unnoticed — disastrous situations. Like, having Hōgyoku placed deep within her soul and everything that ensued after that (losing her Shinigami powers, being imprisoned and almost executed or having her friends hurt), being captured by the enemy, being kissed by the enemy, to name the few...
Fate either hated her or revelled in her sufferings, there was no other explanation. Or — what seemed most possible — both. So yes, she quite dreaded what would happen in those few hours when he would come.
Should she ignore him? No, that wouldn't do.
Should she act coldly towards him? No, that wouldn't do either.
She couldn't suddenly start acting in a completely contrasting fashion, now could she? Besides, she was sure he would realise the reason behind her odd behaviour straight away.
The only thing she could do was to act as if nothing particular had happened between them. That kiss hadn't happened. It was simply a poor product of her fatigued mind. Her imagination had just lost it for a second and something lunatic like that had come out, that's all. She should quickly forget about it and focus on things that still needed to be done.
Like getting out of here for starters, hah!
"Easier said than done", Rukia sighed exasperatedly, lying on the bed.
She knew where Inoue was being kept and the way there. But even if she managed to get her out of there, what then? Would they be able to flee the castle? How? Break a wall? Would her Destructive Spells be enough to do that? Maybe Sōkatsui with full incantation? Still, she had no idea which wall (out of bloody thousands!) to destroy to get outside Las Noches... She couldn't start firing Spells at random, hoping she would hit the right one!
And if by some miracle — Ahahahaha, good one! — they'd manage to escape, what then? What about Sode no Shirayuki? Would she have the time to get her as well? What if she ran into Ulqui— him? Everything would end in a failure.
And what about those hairpins? They had to have a purpose, but what could it be? Only Inoue knew, but she couldn't ask her about it. There was no way he would allow them to meet again, let alone talk.
So many obstacles to overcome. Getting to Inoue (and hopefully Sode no Shirayuki), finding exterior wall that directly abutted the Hueco Mundo desert, destroying the said wall, getting out of Hueco Mundo... And all that without encountering any Arrancar or Hollow...
Rukia exhaled heavily. If it wasn't anything but impossible, then she didn't know what it was.
Every single time she had left her room, she had run into someone — him, Ichimaru and how could she not mention the worst one — Nnoitra. And anyway, if she used a Destructive Spell, it would definitely not go unnoticed, so she had one chance, two at the most.
"What to do? What am I supposed to do? How?" she cried desperately, her hands dishevelling her hair even more. Suddenly the sapphire walls of her room became fantastically appealing to just start smashing her head against them repeatedly...
And there was also the matter of how she should act in front of him. After all he would be coming here in less than an hour. Would she be able to act as if nothing happened between them? How would he act? Would she be able to keep her cool no matter what?
Oh, how she dreaded meeting him! And if she were this nervous as of now, she couldn't imagine how she would feel when in front of him...
Rukia could almost hear the walls' invitation, so full of promises... They indeed seemed hard and solid.
As for Ulquiorra, he had just awoken from surprisingly relaxing slumber. No nightmares, no hunting memories, no feeling of disquiet... Absolutely nothing had disturbed his sleep. He couldn't remember the last time he had had such a peaceful night. Actually, he doubted if there had been any, not since he had become a Hollow, that was for sure.
Exhaling deeply, he went to the bathroom for morning shower. He stood under the stream of lukewarm water for few minutes, unmoving, simply enjoying the refreshing sensation it brought to his body and mind. He felt unusually — what was the word... ah, yes — content.
Turning off the taps, he reached for a dark green towel and dried his body and hair. With a towel around his neck, he returned to his room and began to dress. When he finished putting on hakama, he once more dried his hair with the towel and tossed it on a chair next to the table — the one where he kept Rukia's zampakutō.
Seeing it, he suddenly felt the need to go to her, go right away, but somehow he stopped himself from doing so, reasoning that probably she was still asleep. Instead he gently picked up her sword and unsheathed it.
It was a beautiful sword, well-balanced and he could see it had a sharp and impeccable blade, though at the moment it was still healing itself after being shattered to pieces. A fissure where the pieces were joined with ice was still visible, but it became much less shallow since the last time he had seen it.
Beside the ice that was holding the pieces together, the blade was covered with frost that added even more to its charm, though to Ulquiorra it seemed like a complaint for taking it away from its master. He run his thumb across the blade, almost tenderly. Its frostiness was biting his fingertip leaving minute ice crystals on it which melted as soon as he withdrew his hand.
Indeed it gave an impression of being slightly displeased. Or maybe it conveyed Rukia's current state of mind? The connection between her and her sword was strong, therefore when intenser emotions stirred within her it wasn't unusual for her sword to manifest them as well.
So did it mean that she was still cold and distant towards him? When it seemed that she began to act more openly, even more warmly towards him — as if she trusted him? Because this was what he thought he had gained. Even now he wasn't convinced nor sure about that Heart, but he wanted to think that maybe... just maybe... he had gained a small piece of her Heart. Even she herself had told him that there might be some connection between them.
That thought once again made Ulquiorra want to go to her, but he wouldn't give in to his slowly but steadily growing impatience, not just yet.
Rukia was sitting on her heels next to the bed, her eyes closed and her connected hands rested on her lap. She was meditating or at least tried to meditate, however unable to fully clear her mind of any thought, she simply focused on breathing. In and out, in and out and so forth.
She had already dressed, cleaned her face, combed her hair. Absolutely nothing in her appearance indicated any disturbance in her psyche, however that was just it — an appearance. Inside she was full of unrested apprehension. Fortunately the feeling of terror that had her freaking out not a long time ago subsided, but still it wasn't like there was no chance of relapse.
Breath in, breath out. Calmly.
Soon he would come.
Breath in. He's my enemy. Breath out. I'm his enemy. Breath in and out. We're at war.
She was repeating words along those lines in her head like a mantra, trying to ingrain them in her mind and heart. At some point she'd also wanted to erase any nice memories linked with him, but it only made her think about them. Realising it was pointless, she ceased that attempt and concentrated mainly on breathing.
He's my enemy... My enemy. He—
Suddenly she became startled when she heard a knock on the door and the familiar "It's me". The inner balance she so hardly tried to obtain crumbled in a split second. Her heart started pounding repeatedly, her mind suddenly went blank, her body felt paralysed. In short, Rukia panicked.
With widened eyes she observed as the door to her room opened and Ulquiorra walked in. She sprang to her feet and stood looking at him unintelligently. It took her few moments before she more or less got a grip on herself.
"G-good morning," she slightly stammered, but nevertheless wanted to greet him like usual. She also tried to give him a small smile, but to her chagrin it came out more like an unsure grimace. Rukia, you're a far better actress than this!, she immediately scolded herself, took a quick breath to compose herself and improved her facial expression so indeed she was looking at him with a small smile. She only hoped his keen eyes didn't catch her struggle with her facial muscles.
However Ulquiorra did notice it. It was too obvious she was at loss what to do the moment he walked in her room. Was she nervous? Why? Had something happened? Was it because of what had happened yesterday?
"Good morning," he replied casually, nothing in his demeanour showing that he'd noticed her acting oddly.
To speak the truth, he himself wasn't too sure how he should act towards her. Well, he knew what he wanted to do, but how she would respond — that was a completely different matter and a matter he couldn't disregard. So today he intended to observe Rukia and try to find out what exactly she felt about him and how much she would allow him, all the while doing everything in his might to ignore that impatience that was pressing him to just do whatever he wanted to do. And it wasn't only going to her, grabbing her petite form and holding her as closely as possible to him. That would be simply a beginning.
And she was this close, only few steps away from him, almost within reach of his hand. It truly took all his strong will not to yield to his desires. Instead, he took out Murciélago from behind his sash, and sitting in the armchair, he leaned his sword against it.
Carefully maintaining that pleasant mask, Rukia approached the food cart and took her meal to the desk. She wanted to start eating her breakfast as soon as possible, so she could concentrate on something — anything really, if only it took her mind off Uquiorra. Even such ludicrous task like counting the rice grains in her bowl seemed like a great alternative to thinking things that had anything even remotely close to do with him.
However what brought her utmost despair was the sad fact that her brain appeared to have only one track of thought and unfortunately it was leading to him. Oh, why couldn't she just stop constantly thinking about him? And of course it didn't help much that the man himself was there, few metres next to her...
How the hell was she supposed to concentrate on anything but him? When she could feel his gaze scrutinising her every move! When every of her current problems involved him! There was no way she could not think about him!
Fortunately (Gods! How grateful she was for that!) he too was acting as if nothing had happened between them the day before and it put her somewhat at ease. Hopefully it would remain this way.
Nevertheless she had to do something or he might come into false belief that she felt something for him. Not that he might actually care, but still... Better have everything clear so no misunderstanding would occur, right?
So while eating, Rukia tried to come up with a plan as what to do now. She risked a quick glance at him... And met his eyes peering at her carefully. Disconcerted, she had hard time fighting the instinct to look away, but somehow she maintained the eye-contact for few seconds and after sending him hesitant smile, she returned to her food. And her planning, naturally.
Ulquiorra could still see the signs of uneasiness in her, even though she tried to hide them. However that slight tension in her shoulders, those unnatural movements of her hands she did now and again, that minimally, almost unnoticeably bended back and of course that odd, frantic even, look in her eyes whenever she looked at him, all that and few more subtle — most would never even notice them — things in her demeanour betrayed her.
He also noticed some signs of tiredness in her face... Had she not slept well during the night? Was she really this stressed?
He knew his own person was the source of her nervousness, however he still had no clue as to what regarding him was making her feel like this. And also: of what kind was that nervousness? Fearful? Uncertain? Repelling? For the time being he couldn't tell, but he was determined to find it out soon.
Rukia was finishing her breakfast and that was when a rather ingenious yet simple idea popped in her head. That was it! She should show him that regardless of their affable relation, she still considered him as her enemy. This way the natural distance between them would be maintained and it wouldn't be odd if she began to distance herself from him even more. Absolutely brilliant!
And now to bring it into reality...
Besides, she was really curious about it anyway...
Ulquiorra observed her when she finally finished her meal and put down her chopsticks. She didn't put away the empty plates on the cart as she usually did, instead she stared into space for few moments as if she was pondering or weighting something up. Then, she looked at him but avoided longer eye-contact. She tried opening her mouth few times as if she wanted to say something but was hesitant about it.
(Even though she'd planned it and done it all deliberately, it came out perfectly naturally for she felt as hesitant and unsure as she would feel if she hadn't planned it beforehand...)
Curious what it might be, he waited for her to speak. When she finally appeared to gather her courage, she asked him:
"When do you think there will be the battle?"
He must have admitted it, he didn't quite expect such question. Surprised and interested in knowing a little bit more about her intentions behind that inquiry, he only echoed, "Battle?"
"Yeah..." she paused for a couple of seconds, but then she added quickly in one breath, "Though I don't expect you to tell me even if you knew, but maybe you could just hint at something even vague like: is it a matter of days? Weeks? Months?"
Ulquiorra of course knew everything or at least all plans that Aizen-sama had revealed to him including the more or less decided date when they would start to move and their objectives, like the final one — killing the Spirit King. However he didn't think she actually needed to know that, so he once again responded with a question:
"Why do you ask?"
At the beginning when Rukia had asked that first question, to some degree she'd been acting, but now she genuinely wanted to know. There was no pretence in her anymore, no fake façade.
"It's just something inevitable and I can't help wondering when it will happen. That's all..." And then she added with a slight ring of urgency in her voice, "You're familiar with Aizen's plans, aren't you? Has it been decided yet?"
However to her dismay, he just wouldn't reply her, not even the most vague answer came out of his mouth. It seemed more like he ignored her or they were having two different conversations at the same time. And it was the same once again — all she got from him was yet another question instead of an answer.
"Is that why you didn't sleep well this night?"
Partially, Rukia thought but didn't say anything out loud, only nodded slightly. But curse his keen eyes to catch on something like this! She didn't feel particularly tired nor thought her restless night would somehow show its effect in her appearance, yet he must have noticed some signs.
"Why do you wonder so much about it?" Ulquiorra continued his queries, still without giving her any answers.
She hesitated for a second, but eventually replied softly, "I'm curious when my fate will be decided."
Ulquiorra knitted his brows for there was an ominous ring to these words, like they should have never ever been uttered or even thought. But what did she mean by them? Resignation? No, he was sure she would fight to the bitter end. She wasn't one to give up, her stubborn personality wouldn't let her (a quality which he came to admire in her, even though sometimes it was the source of his annoyance). But of course no one knew what would be until it actually happened.
"What do you mean by that?" he asked her, awaiting her response with a slight impatience.
"I'm not quite sure myself," came her reply and she gave a short and humourless chuckle. "It's a fate after all. But undoubtedly this battle will have a huge impact on my life, just like on lives of many others."
He watched her carefully as she just sat there smiling sadly. There was something lonesome, sombre and heart-rending about her small form that made him get up and go over to her. She looked up at him for a moment but soon averted her gaze. However he managed to catch one emotion in her eyes beside sadness. Fear. She was afraid of something... Was it death after all?
But the only way she could die was by his hand and he didn't think he would (could?) do it, so she had nothing to be afraid of.
"I won't kill you," he said, not really knowing why he felt the need to assure her of something like this.
"You may not..." she whispered dully in response. Her gaze was directed at the empty plates still lying on her desk; her hands tightly clutched the fabrics of her jacket.
"I won't let anyone lay a finger on you," he said quietly but firmly.
She nodded her head but without looking at him, therefore he wasn't sure whether she did so because she knew that or just to let him know she heard his words but in fact wasn't quite sure what to make out of them, whether to believe him or not.
He cupped her chin to make her look at him, so he could judge which one was it.
Seeing her eyes and feeling her warm skin under his fingers, suddenly his mind got overrun by a strange urge — urge to actually hurt her. He wanted to hold her tightly, so tight that her bones would break... that she would feel pain. (His pain?) But why? Why would he want to do that? Wasn't she the woman that believed that he had a heart? That told him there was a bond between them? The one that in a way gave a deeper meaning to his existence? Then why the hell would he want to hurt her? But it was there, that strange urge...
Quickly overcoming the surprise at his own feelings, Ulquiorra instantly quenched that impulse and looked closely at Rukia. Her eyes were a bit widened, perplexity and uncertainty dominating at the moment. Her lips were slightly parted. Nothing alluring was in that expression — the girl was simply at a loss, but he couldn't help himself, something in her attracted him even now. He started leaning forward.
"Please, don't," she whispered. Or rather it was closer to whimper than a whisper.
He stopped midway, their noses almost touching. No matter how much he wanted her, he couldn't force himself on her. Not if he wanted her as a whole, as his Rukia, not just a broken doll. He needed to gain her trust and make her want to come to him out of her own will. Unforced.
Truly it took all his strong will not to give in to his desires, especially when she was in front of him, barely any distance between them. And she — so frail, vulnerable.
"I... I can't," she added faintly, her small body trembling slightly.
Ulquiorra again peered into her eyes and then he noticed it. She wasn't afraid of dying, it was something else. Something he might not be able to protect her from. Something he actually didn't think he wanted to protect her from.
I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, though I have no confidence after so much time... σ(^_^;)
But anyway, I plan to update the next chapter somewhere this year, but unfortunately I won't be able to start writing it until September... But I'll try my best subsequently!
Hopefully you all have a nice Friday the 13th (and any other day), no bad luck, no black cats crossing your path and no Jason running after you with his machete or any other sharp object. (^-^)
That's all for now!
Take care! And hopefully we'll meet again sometime this year. (o^—')b
朝霧 -Asagiri-