Purgatory of Contrition

Disclaimer: I don't own The Flash

Author's Note: Chapter theme is "Black Is The Soul" by Korn.

Savitar felt the bullet pierce his back, the shock, the searing pain, staring at The Flash with disbelief. He hadn't been the one to kill him though. Who..? As he fell to the ground and began to vanish, his eyes vacant, he caught a glimpse of her, Iris. She had been the one to do it. She had broken the loop, she had ended his existence. As he began to disappear, unable to do anything but lay there, a small, withered part of him felt that maybe this was the best way to go.

When Savitar opened his eyes next, he thought maybe he was having an aneurysm from blood loss, maybe it was a split second dream before his ultimate demise. No. This wasn't an illusion, this wasn't a dream. He stood there, surrounded by the vast void of swirling color and the essence of speed itself. The Speed Force. He was back. How? "No-!" He cried out in desperation, his fists clenched tight, his body contorted back, rage and horror surging through him like his own lightning. This couldn't be happening! This was a dream! He was dead, this had to be his mind flashing to the worst possible point in his existence!

It was real.

The broken Barry Allen remnant panicked, spinning around, his lungs on fire from his rapid breaths, hyperventilation rising in his throat. He felt himself at once surrounded by nothing, and being crushed by everything. Panic and disbelief barreled in on his mind, gripping his heart like Death's bony fingers, squeezing until all he could do was scream, scream until his throat shredded, until he lost all of his breath, until the ringing in his ears began to deafen him. He cried out in anguish as the scream left him, leaving him desperate for air, collapsing to his knees, begging this to not be real. Not here! Not again! Not here!

Would he find him again?

Savitar's vision began to tunnel, narrowing in to a darkened pinpoint. His will, all that rage and bravado, left him all at once as a shell, as broken and hopeless as he had once been when he split from future Barry Allen. Endless pain and suffocating loneliness wrapped around him, familiar and horrifying… until… something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Movement, other than the endless roaring swirling of speed. How could this be? He had been here for so… so long. There was never anything in the Speed Force before? No life, no comfort, no relief, nothing but his own insanity chasing him.

Turning his head, his eyes strained, blinded by the colors and flashes, he saw something move again, just beyond. He panted with despairing fear, knowing he was powerless. Was he back? Back to torture him? Was it his tormentor? He struggled to calm down, memories of his corruption, of his endless waking nightmare for so many years, threatening to force him to heave his guts out, to rip at his own body, struggling to rifle through pieces of his shattered mind, his broken spirit exposed and raw even now.

A figure seemed to materialize out of the nothingness around him, making him flinch. It approached him, and all at once, he felt like his heart was being shredded apart by a billions tiny needles, his disbelief knocking him back a few steps. No. Not again. Not like this! "Iris..?" he questioned disbelievingly, watching the figure approach him serenely. Was it like last time? Seeing who he yearned to see the most reaching out to him, only to meet the blade of his tormentor instead.

Even in his twisted, corrupted state of mind, her beauty was always a soothing balm to his eyes, even if it preceded pain and fear. She walked to him without fear, her plump lips pursed in thought. When she reached him, she stood still, regarding him silently. Savitar was filled with anxiety, staring, waiting for her to transform into the demon that haunted him

"No, I'm not your tormentor," the fake Iris said, able to easily read into his fear. "I took this form, because despite the atrocities you committed, the pain you brought this particular person, even during your darkest hour, she is still the one constant deep in the recesses of your mind… and even more profoundly entombed inside your blackened heart," the figure added softly.

Cold, hard truth slapped him in the face. "Took form..? You… you're really not Iris?"

"No. I am the physical manifestation of the Speed Force," it explained evenly.

Savitar shook his head, anguish and rage filling him. The nerve of the entity to use the one person he wanted so badly to hate! The one person that continuously tortured him, left him seething and howling in pain. "Change to someone else!" he spat viciously, barely coherent in his demand, his eyes burning with loathing over his warden. "Anyone else!" He couldn't see her face! He couldn't! Not here! Not like this! Not here!

"No," the Speed Force said calmly, almost smugly, watching the damaged man writhe in his own skin. "This is the best form for your judgment."

Savitar couldn't breathe, his chest expanding quickly, intense sorrow and unfeasible anger making him nearly lose his grip on his sanity all over again, balling and releasing his fists in a feeble attempt to keep his control. Any control he could possible find, he had to take, so he took a menacing step forward, but stopped, shaking with pain and perhaps madness. "Why… am I… here?" he raged, the throbbing in his head like a roaring scream. The fake Iris tilted its head thoughtfully, then smiled, though it did not seem like a happy one. "Why?"

The entity was unfazed by his threatening stance, his callous shouting, or the fury in his sad eyes. "Because you were never meant to exist in the first place," it began, watching both indignation and resignation fill his eyes. "You were meant to stay as Barry Allen, never a remnant. This was a mistake. Savitar should not exist. You are an anomaly against the rules of the universe, broken by your counterpart during his many mistakes with time. I pulled you back in just before your were erased, to correct one of those mistakes."

"So kill me then!" Savitar snapped savagely, his soul crying for it, his body so tired, tired of the anguish, tired of running, tired to being forced to repeat the cycle. "Correct it! Do it! End me! Because if you don't, I promise- I swear, I will escape again and I will find a way to become a god! I will end my… my cursed fate! I will burn it and forge my own existence! Then nothing will be able to touch me! I will never feel pain or suffering again! And no one will ever be able to…" Betray. Discard. Forget. He was nothing.

Savitar gripped his head, willing the memories to leave, the voice that told him who he was, the whispering memory of his spiral into madness, screaming at him that he was worthless. Anger was the only thing that kept it at bay, so he jeered, stepping forward threateningly, pissed that the visage of Iris didn't so much as flinch. "Kill me or I will break free again! Do you hear me? Kill me!"

The speed entity regarded him curiously, unbothered by his madness, but did feel sad about the sorrow in his demand, sounding so much more like a desperate plea toward the end. He wanted to die. Disregarding that for a moment, it focused on his other words. "You still wish to become a god? A god of what exactly? Of despair? Of endless loneliness and everlasting sorrow? Because that would be the only thing that awaited your... ascension," it told him, its expression back to a cool, eerie neutral.

Savitar rubbed his face in exhaustion. "What do you want from me?" he finally asked, his tone dulled, the rage having cooled enough for his vision to focus again. Why couldn't he just… stop? Stop running, stop the pain, stop the… the endless solitude.

"As I said. You are a loose thread in the fabric of reality. You tried to manipulate the Speed Force, tried to bend it to your will, as both Barry Allen and more so as Savitar. So, you will be punished," it explained.

Savitar felt outraged. Punished? For trying to exist? For being forced to play into a cruel time loop not of his own doing? "You're not a god either! You're no better than me, messing with lives like this!" he growled.

The Speed Force, in Iris' likeness, suddenly glared at him, upset by his words, its own pride bruised. But then it smiled and nodded, accepting what he said to be true. "Yes, I'm not a god, even if some believe me to be so," it conceded. "But this does not mean you will escape punishment."

"What punishment? Why should I be punished? For trying to exist?"

"For sacrificing the purity within you, for defiling sacred oaths, perhaps not divine, but oaths all the same. Oaths to protect, to defend, to love, and to cherish. You squandered your gifts, your soul corrupted by selfish ire, regardless if it had been a future version of yourself. You nearly succeeded in very nearly collapsing the threads of reality. No, my rogue speedster, I will not allow this existence you claim to seek, to continue."

Savitar's scarred face twisted into confusion and vexation, his heart racing as his entire hope for freedom seemed to vanish, knowing he couldn't do anything to the Speed Force. He could practically feel the once powerful connection he had to it, allowing him to reach beyond it through his mental powers alone, completely severed. He was helpless here, all over again. "What are you going to do?"

The Speed Force smiled, almost seeming happy he asked. "I will make you become the one thing you hate. Barry Allen."

Savitar shook his head, more and more, his rage bubbling up again, intense feelings of self-loathing and betrayal choking him. Become him? That wasn't possible! He was nothing! He was a forgotten thought in time! To become who he hated the most? "I will... never be Barry Allen!" he screamed breathlessly, his eyes on fire, his head throbbing, his throat burning all over again, the strain on his body making him pitch forward.

"You will," the Speed Force said simply, and Savitar felt a stab in his chest, remembering his tormentor saying the same thing, taunting him. Now this, claiming it knew something the broken man didn't. And maybe it did, being the fabrication of speed itself, a sibling to time, being everywhere and everywhen. "I will show you everything you abandoned in this futile attempt to erase who you were. Here, remember..."

Suddenly Savitar was surrounded by memories, images, scenes of his life flowing around him, flowing through him, each one striking him like a fist to the gut. He gasped from the force, shaking his head, trying to push them away. His memories swam in his head. "Stop! S-Stop!" he cried out, forced to see his parents, alive and happy with him as a child, the loss of his mom, the imprisonment of his father, Joe West taking him in, Iris taking his hand and leading him into her life.

Memories of what Killer Frost had told him before sneaking in to taunt him, questioning his decision to kill the one he loved so much, the one that belonged to Barry Allen, not him. He tried to focus on that thought, but the Speed Force continued to torture him. He saw himself falling desperately in love with Iris, his longing to be with her eating away at him year after year. He saw himself going through college, becoming a CSI, working alongside Joe, he saw the particle accelerator explode, the shock wave hitting the precinct, the following lightning striking his body.

Savitar gripped his head. "No, no, no..!" he wailed. He saw himself waking up in Star Labs, meeting the betrayer, the one he thought was his hero. He saw himself becoming the Flash, cementing his friendship with Cisco and Caitlin. He saw the many victories and losses. He saw himself doing his best to defend his city, his friends, his family, Iris. His memories tormented him further, reminding him of his intense love he felt for her, even if it waned and grew again over time, but always there, growing stronger and more mature each time he saw her, despite trying to suppress it at times, even now. So much love he felt for all of them, the blood and sweat he poured to keep them safe and happy. All the emotions, every one of his memories, brought back to the forefront of his mind, his attempts to destroy them vaporized as he was forced to relive them.

Savitar shook, the purity that had been repressed within him beginning to chip at his shell, just a little, enough for him to feel it, the light from it burning his dark soul. He couldn't take it, he needed to end this. Blind with desperation, Savitar took off after the Speed Force, compelled, if nothing else, to grab it and stop it. But no matter how hard he tried, how fast he ran, it slipped away from him, like he was nothing. He ran faster and faster, his body quite literally on fire, his screams of pain doing little to drown the memories and feelings swirling in his mind.

Savitar suddenly found himself launched backwards, falling onto the perceived floor with a heavy thud. His lips parted in a gasp, but all the air had left his lungs, forcing him to struggle, his face turning red, the sudden loss of oxygen from his lungs burning him as bad as the speed had. The Speed Force approached him then, shaking its head as if to call him a fool for trying to achieve the impossible, catching the Speed Force, tearing his body apart in the useless attempt.

Savitar struggled to pull himself back up. "Stop, stop, please stop..!" he begged it, repeating the same words he had used to beg himself, to try hopelessly to prevent the death of his soul. His face twisted in distress, knowing what was coming next. "I-I'm not him! I am nothing! I am less than a shadow, only a forgotten remnant of the real Barry Allen! I can't become who I'm not!" he pleaded, but it fell on deaf ears.

The Speed Force regards him quietly again. "You are an exact duplicate of Barry Allen, down to every memory, every thought, every bit of personality, interest, all complexities of human emotion, down to every single molecule in your body. Regardless of how totally you believed you have corrupted yourself, reached beyond reality to tap into your own mind. You are as much Barry Allen as there ever was a Barry Allen."

Savitar was momentarily frozen in disbelief. What the Speed Force was telling him contradicted what the demon that haunted his mind had always said. But no, this wasn't possible. Again he shook his head hard enough to give himself a headache. "I'm not! I was created to be used and tossed aside! I… I am nothing. I am... disposable." Disposable hero! His mind tormented him.

The Speed Force smiled sadly and tilted its head patiently. "No life is disposable, even the ones that should not exist. Yours included. All life is precious. The universe has plans, and it isn't just pressing down on your shoulders, but on the Speed Force as well. This is why I brought you back here."

The scarred speedster groaned in frustration. "I don't understand," he sighed, anxious over the next set of memories coming his way.

"Just like you have to answer to the Speed Force, the Speed Force must answer to something bigger, bigger than all of us. Barry Allen threw time and reality out of balance. He tried to play a god, just as you have tried. The intricate complexity in the creation of Savitar has only made that worse. However, Barry Allen, with all his naivete, has learned to be more careful, to care about the consequences. You… have not. Not yet. So, you will become him again and learn those important lessons if you wish to continue to exist."

The Speed Force watched as the defeat began to swim in his morose eyes. "Here, this, this is the point of most contention, the biggest mistake Savitar has made, the biggest torment in his and in Barry Allen's soul, the key to everything that has lead to the creation, destruction, and resurrection of Savitar."

And then the damaged speedster was assaulted by his worst nightmare, the never ending nightmare he was both witness to, and the creator of. The Speed Force was unmerciful, throwing him the worst memories of his existence, as ironic as that was. Savitar was forced to see himself be the harbinger of death to the one person he truly, deeply loved, and how that very act corrupted his soul, how the act sent him spiraling down into a point of insanity, sending hundreds of ripples through time and space, fracturing it, affecting each and every Barry Allen in one large or many small ways. His doom. His true prison. Watching her die again and again, over and over, with him powerless to save her, shattered him all over again.

Savitar thew his head back and tore his throat apart, the haunting wail, the anguish like nothing any living being had ever suffered, ripping through him like the blade he saw stabbing through her heart. He relived that moment, his perspective shifting from seeing it happen and being helpless to stop it, to being the one doing the killing, continuously and in vivid detail. Savitar's knees failed him, his body crumbling, his mind dissolving, sending him crashing, hurtling over the edge of his limited sanity. He gripped his head, straining against it, forced to feel the suffering he felt for her, for himself, for them, all of them, all over again.

The Speed Force watched something deep and fragile break within him, watching him go limp, his hands barely catching his fall, his head dropped, all resistance drained from every cell in his body. "Now you understand," it told him gently, seeing how numb and subdued he was, the pain and intolerable loneliness the only thing he had left.

"What… did you do... to me..?" Savitar groaned in panic, the pain in his chest brought on by the horrifying memories, both familiar and unfamiliar.

"I simply put a suggestion in your mind to remember. Nothing more," it explained. "What you are feeling... it is not something new to you, is it? It has always been there. I simply made you remember," the entity added, receiving only silence from the battered speedster.

Savitar struggled to force the memories away, but he was so tired, the reminder of his endless solitude cutting into his frail psyche. Just moments ago, at least what it felt like, he had been this powerful being, seething with rage, the only thing to curb the unbearable isolation and betrayal he felt. He had been able to brush away all his previous feelings, claiming Iris, Cisco, Caitlin, Joe, none of them were his, none of them cared about him or mattered. He had done this in order to stop hurting, to seize control of his life, because he had to, because it was his destiny, because his own twisted mind told him to. But now those memories and feelings were slipping through his fingers like sand, forcing him to scramble, to take back what little control he still had, knowing deep down that it was now useless.

The Speed Force tilted its head curiously, seeing the cracks start to show. "You will learn from your mistakes, Barry Allen," it promised him, pleased when he barely reacted to the name, only a second of wild fury in his eyes, before it swiftly left him. "You will be sent into a version of your past that has been affected by those breaks in time you saw. You will be sent to a point in time where Zoom has killed Barry Allen. This is a timeline that should not exist, like many others. Normally this sort of thing can work itself out, to move around and form a fixed new time line, but not this time. With Zoom's capabilities and influences, he is as damaging to reality as Savitar. His continuation can not be," it explained.

"But… why me? I am no better than Zoom! I'm a monster! Why am I the one you chose? Why me?" Savitar repeated in disbelief, his voice shaking with a wakeless sense of suffering, his strength having left him.

"Because despite your attempts to overcome it, there is still humanity within you. There is a strength in Barry Allen, that not even Savitar can fully destroy," it said, watching him shake his head in denial. "You will right the wrongs you have done, bring back order to that timeline. You will mend that break in reality. This will be your new prison. No escape. No ascension. Your punishment will be to live."

Savitar's eyes shut, rebelling against the very idea. Live as Barry Allen, live being good and kind again, something he had forsaken, something that he was sure was impossible for him now, the very idea like a shard of jagged glass piercing through his flesh. Maybe he had wished for that at one point, yearned to have what Barry Allen had, but the desire had been crushed when he was thrown aside. "Please, just kill me, end me, please..." he begged quietly, his eyes swimming with sorrow, but the entity shook its head, denying him.

"The ties you had to the Speed Force, allowing you abilities beyond that of any other speedster, have been severed. However, you will be allowed to retain your current speed. Be warned, do not attempt to damage time and space again, to attempt to do so will only bring you further pain. Now, it is time you start living, Barry Allen," it said, and before the broken speedster could react, it raised its hand and sent him away.

Brilliant white light exploded around Savitar, making him cry out, feeling as though his skin was being peeled back. And then there was a sense of nothingness. For a moment he floated in a silent white void. And then reality exploded around him, as though he were plummeting from space back toward Earth, sights, sounds, smells, everything rushing to meet him. Savitar gasped and gripped the floor beneath him, noticing then that his fingers touched the course, cold material of asphalt. He smelled dew in the air, felt a brush of cold air through his hair, over his back, the feeling causing him to shiver.

Savitar opened his eyes and shakily got to his feet. He saw that he stood in what looked like a street, deep within a city. Central City? He was back? For a moment he was confused and spun around, expecting to see The Flash, Iris, Cisco, hell even HR, but no one was nearby. No one to try and stop him. He saw a lonely slip of newspaper dance in the wind, heard the calm sound of crickets in the distance, somewhere a siren went off. He heard the muffled sounds of people talking in the apartments nearby, some laughing, some arguing. All of it real. He hadn't been imagining it. The Speed Force had sent him back in time to… another timeline?

Savitar was very confused for a moment. Why was he here? Moving over to the newspaper, he picked it up and checked the date. He saw it, as well as the headline mentioning the Flash's disappearance. He remembered now. Two months after Barry Allen's… death..? And then he remembered his punishment, his task, and it threw him into a whirlwind of despair. Desperate to escape his fate, as he had been doing for as long as he could remember…

He ran.

Savitar ran as hard as he could, until he realized that no matter his speed, no matter where he went, the Speed Force denied him access; it would not let him escape this time. He was blocked from jumping through time. He stopped when the affect of his incredible speed began to set his clothing on fire, almost burning his skin again.

Savitar finally stopped, shaking with rage and physical torment, all the misery and loneliness threatening to swallow him whole all over again. "Fuck you!" he screamed out into the quiet night air. "I won't do this!" he yelled to nothing, to no one, defying his condemnation. How could he possibly do this? He wasn't anything! He wasn't Barry Allen, no matter how many times the Speed Force insisted he was! How could he be Savitar without ascension even? The whole point to Savitar was to become a god. If he couldn't do that, what was he? His very existence had depended on a time loop that no longer existed for him!

And then, he felt at once terrified and a twisted sense of relief.

The time loop was gone.

It was gone and he was…

Was he free?

At the same time, his mind did not give him the same reprieve, memories of what he had done to try to achieve a parody of freedom slapped him in the face, what he had been about to do, all the death, all the suffering, all of the evil he had caused, knowing it was all for absolutely nothing now. Even if he hadn't done anything on this Earth, he remembered doing all those things vividly, freshly playing on repeat through his mind. He had killed the Barry Allen within him the moment he had done those terrible things. And what was worse was now he couldn't even seek revenge on him for subjugating him to this hell!

For a moment fury overtook him and he destroyed the closest thing he had to him. The mangled sight of what used to be a small sedan met his vision once it cleared again. He felt intense pain in his hands, felt the torn flesh, felt the hot blood dripping, staining the ground beneath. He stood there, his mind beginning to settle again, allowing him to think, starting to see a little bit of good coming from this prison possibly. Barry Allen wasn't there anymore… but he was. The Speed Force insisted he would become him again. This meant he could take what was stolen from him when he was selfishly manifested. Everything he treasured, he could now have.

Savitar knew what he wanted the most, what he had always wanted, but had viciously sworn off, twisted and warped until his true feelings were deeply encased, corrupted, forcing him to believe snuffing the one thing he cherished above all was his only salvation. Iris West. Familiar pain surged through him at the thought of her, the hope he felt at being with her tainted by the blood on his hands, by the intent in his degenerate mind.

No!

He was a monster! He killed her! He watched her die! He killed her! He couldn't save her! Her death was his existence! He hurt her so badly! He betrayed her! He betrayed himself! He was the one to ruin his one and only soulmate. He couldn't have her. He had to have her! The twisted contradictions that spiraled within his mind tore him apart. Savitar clutched his head and let out a broken moan of pain, the torture ripping through him. He did not hear the men approach, the sneers and laughter, he did not hear them mock him, accuse him of being on drugs, he did not hear their threats. He felt the gun press against his head however, the cold, heavy iron digging into his temple with a bite.

Savitar's mind snapped back into place, his survival instincts rushing back to him, his fury blinding him again, the only thing keeping his mind from flying apart at the seams. The men stood no chance. They did not realize the grave mistake they made targeting him, thinking him weak. His mind perhaps, but his body? Before he even knew what had happened, they were all on the ground, beaten to an inch of their lives. Savitar waited for the urge to kill, waiting for the mechanical voice that accompanied him to scream at him to end them. It never did. Instead something else took hold of him, something he hadn't sensed in so very long.

Regret and Guilt.

Not wanting to deal with it, he left the unconscious men, dumping their weapons in a garbage bin, and ran, mindlessly, heading into an industrial section of the city. He stopped by a small abandoned wire factory and stumbled into it, needing a quiet place to think. There were people huddled around a barrel, the fire lighting the large room just enough to make out a few details. Needing to keep people safe from him, Savitar drew in a deep breath and forced himself to project. "Get out!" he shouted harshly, warping his voice to scare the squatters milling about.

"W-What..?" one of them gasped in terrified surprise.

Savitar again waited for the customary demonic urge to kill them, but a piece of his soul he thought he had wiped out was now fighting back, keeping that part of him at bay. This enraged him, feeling like he was becoming soft. Using that anger, he let out another howl for them to evacuate the building. "Leave now!" he commanded them, his lightning swirling around his body.

"Oh fuck!" one of them uttered in disbelief and they all scrambled out, running in horror, maybe even thinking he was Zoom.

Once they had left, safe, far away from him, Savitar all but fell into a chair, his head sinking into his hands, debilitating fatigue flooding his veins, wiping his anger out in a second. He didn't want to feel anymore! He was a mockery of the original Barry Allen! He didn't even feel human! He couldn't do this!

Could he?