Special thanks to the readers and Bioware!

After hours of tedious marching through the Deep Roads tunnels, I could finally see the outside world peeking through the entrance we had used. The first natural scent I detected was wet grass, which made me even more eager to hurry my labored steps. Rain had always had a comforting effect on me and not even the leaking roof of the Saarebas' quarters could have taken that away.

"Slow down Reneka," Roghart dampened the alacrity I felt, still supporting Carver who was able to walk but his strength hadn't regenerated yet fully. "You shouldn't push yourself anymore than you already have."

His concern would have made more sense had I felt like I was overexerting myself, which I wasn't for an unknown reason. Instead of sitting down and resting after using red lyrium especially in its enhanced form, my mind was exceptionally alert and the usual muscle pain was still missing. The wound I had inflicted upon myself had healed completely as well. No matter how hard I tried to search for any of the symptoms I would have normally been afflicted with, I wasn't hurting nor feeling uncomfortable in any way. Since the first pebble of red lyrium I had been forced to consume, this had to be the first time I was content and calm after wielding magic with its aid.

I stopped only to glance at Roghart before rushing outside. Getting soaked in the warm summer rain was like being born anew and I hungrily breathed in the damp air through the mouth. All the sweat and dirt was gently being washed away and, if I was honest, I wished the water would have erased the events of the Deep Roads as well. The journey had left me only confused about red lyrium's true potential and my capability to harness it. The danger my brothers faced constantly during their missions became too clear for me and my fingers ran cold from imagining the next time I wouldn't be there to help them.

A sharp inhale got stuck in my throat as I scolded myself for such foolish thoughts. An act of desperation in a hopeless situation would never work twice and putting red lyrium and blood magic together was a perfect example of that. Solving matters with magic was hazardous to begin with but adding red lyrium to the mix was like extinguishing fire with explosive materials and hoping the raging flames would burn out faster.

However, I had to ask myself why it had worked. The aura surrounding red lyrium was filled with corruption and plain fear as it was a weapon meant to terrorize its victims with hollow promises of power. I had never even attempted healing magic while being drugged by it, because it caused no positive sensations. Every suggestion I could hear in my influenced mind had been destructive, leading me to believe that was red lyrium's only goal and purpose. The way Carver kept losing his balance occasionally once he and Roghart had made it to the road caused my stomach to turn and I was waiting for the moment when the improvised spell I had cast would show its true colors and harm my brother. I couldn't expect anything good from the poison's aid, not even with the fact that Carver was at least alive.

What had been different this time, then? Why wasn't I ill or even shaking a little? I raised my palm on my chest to check my heartbeat and still couldn't feel a racing pulse. My fingers curled around the necklaces hidden under the fabric of my wet shirt and it somehow calmed my nerves a bit. Despite my attempts, I still hadn't sensed anything out of ordinary about either of them, leaving me wondering if they had to be activated somehow or if there really was no shrouded mysteries to be unlocked and I was merely wasting my thoughts on figuring out their functions which didn't exist.

Don't let Red go all out.

My grip tightened upon recalling Coin's words and I hastily took out the necklaces, untangling father's lyrium jewel from the leather cord of Coin's amulet. It looked the same as always with no detectable magical energy of whatsoever, yet as it rested on my hand there was curious warmth in my body, like it was keeping me comfortable. The dark core of the talisman seemed to stare back at me as I tried to spot any visible changes in vain.

Even if there was no presentable evidence, I felt the amulet had something to do with my condition, or rather the lack of such. A gut feeling wasn't enough for me, but with my understanding of magical items being quite limited I wouldn't have been able to discover more alone.

Varric hurried out of the tunnels right after me and took an even longer breath than me once a blast of wind hit him. "Praise be whoever it was that made sure there were exists out of the Roads," he huffed and let the rain water his face before rubbing it with his palms. "I don't know about your next plans, but I'm not participating in anything business related until I've had a bath. A long one."

"I thought dwarfs didn't bathe," Carver sneered.

"Glad to hear you're still alive and kicking, Junior."

I couldn't have agreed more, though it pained me to see how weak Carver still was. He insisted on walking without Roghart's help and while his steps were wobbly, Carver had become quite skilled at the art of hiding his struggle.

Roghart's silence made me stare at him, both curious and afraid of what was going on inside his head. I wanted to believe our brother's well-being was his only concern at the moment, but whenever my eyes met with his I was forced to hold my breath, like being caught in the same crushing prison of spiritual magic I had often used against my enemies. I didn't wish to answer any of his questions because I had no satisfactory answers to give him and after the events at the Rose, I dared not to offer hollow explanations to him anymore. If I revealed to him my current uncertainty with red lyrium's power, would he have been sympathetic or overprotective? I knew Roghart would never take away my freedom, but I couldn't erase the thought of being concealed behind his back to keep me safe.

"Your brother is not out of the woods yet Hawke," Anders pointed out and gave me a stiff look, clearly checking out my reaction to discussing about Carver's condition. "The taint is gone, but its poison is still the cause for his weakened state. I would suggest that you take him to the Kirkwall's Chantry to get him more aid, but..."

"But they might become suspicious of a darkspawn victim who's missing the shit that was killing him, correct?" Varric finished the sentence.

"Exactly."

Roghart let out a sigh I barely heard. Our eyes met for a moment again and I wanted to look away, but he clearly had something in his mind that involved me. I couldn't fully comprehend the meaning behind his speechless message. To me, it felt both restrained and sincere, as if he was aware of how to proceed but disagreed with it.

He must have realized the rest of us were waiting for his input, making it a bit funny to me at least when he cleared his throat as if nothing awkward had happened. "The best option would be to take him to your clinic," he stated. "He needs to be observed for at least one night before we can be certain the taint is gone."

"I'm fine, I don't need observation," Carver resisted as expected, which my older brother completely ignored.

"Reneka should also go with you," his stoic voice perked my ears up, but as I expected him to elaborate, Roghart remained silent, like I was supposed to know the rest of the words that would have rolled out of his mouth. Not that I could have blamed him.

I nodded at Anders when his eyes shifted at me, conveying my agreement. Something was at least postponing my regular symptoms of red lyrium usage and waiting for that effect to fade away while doing nothing to learn about its cause didn't sound appealing to me. If Coin's amulet was the key, then I needed help from a mage more skilled at protection magic to unlock the mystery.

Varric glimpsed around and investigated the faint cart tracks on the ground. "Bartrand's group must have left the thaig as soon as he got his hands on that idol," he said, rubbing the dirt between his fingers. "If he's smart enough, he won't be showing himself in Kirkwall for a while."

"So what do you intend to do?" Roghart asked.

"Bartrand had a buyer ready for any goods we might have recovered during the expedition, but given the circumstances, I wouldn't associate with anyone who's in the same shitty boat as him. I still have my old contacts at arm's length and I'm sure they are willing to pay us nicely for the artifacts we found."

"Then let's hurry up and get to these people before your brother poisons them or whatever in order to fuck with us more," Carver straightened his back and pulled at the belt of his sword, like he was preparing himself for a fight. "We have an estate to buy after all."

I found it amusing that pleasing mother was on top of Carver's agenda while he was still carrying the faint smell of a near death around him. If Roghart would get enough money to put mother into a home she deserved, then all the horrors of the Deep Roads were worth it.

#

Roaming through the Deep Roads had almost made me forgotten how thick the air in Kirkwall was. The sun was shining its last rays upon the earth by the time we arrived, the last remaining merchants in the market square closing their stands as we walked through the city. People were gathering in groups which then made their way towards the Hanged Man or the smaller taverns in Lowtown. Sitting down and relaxing with good food and friends after a long day at work was one of the most basic concepts that had never applied to my life. A couple of visits to the Kirkwall's loudest and busiest house in the evenings wasn't enough to get me accustomed to the habit in the least. I hoped though that one day I could lean back in a chair and hoist my legs on a table without a single worry towards anything that might have happened around me.

Roghart still said nothing else than "see you soon" when we parted ways before me and Carver followed Anders to his clinic in Darktown. I was awfully aware of the upcoming talk about the events in the Roads with my brothers, but perhaps Roghart was just waiting for the perfect time to have it. I was actually glad for his silence, as it gave me more time to figure my own situation out. I twiddled Coin's amulet between my fingers and felt a surge of joy when Solona approached us from the clinic. Her presence was always comforting, like an aura that canceled building tension in a room.

"First the sister, now the brother," Solona put her hands on her hips, giving both me and Carver a questioning look, though her main focus was on my brother. "Do the Hawkes share some weird family hobby that leaves you bruised and bleeding all the time?"

Carver eyed at me in confusion and with a playful smirk, I tried to convey to him that Solona could be trusted.

"Well, we do share an older brother who always tends to lead us to the most dangerous places possible," he sneered. "Guess that's his privilege."

"Guess so," Solona laughed and then signed to me 'I'm glad you're okay'. Anders had specifically told me the language was used by mages, so I was left puzzled about why Solona knew it.

"He got poisoned by the darkspawn taint," Anders was bluntly honest, clearly catching Solona's attention. "It isn't life-threatening anymore, but I promised to keep an eye on him for the night."

"He's...cured?"

The disbelief I spotted on Solona's face as a response left me frowning. I still knew next to nothing about the Wardens, but based on what I had heard from the others in the Deep Roads they are experts when it came to the darkspawn. The taint was a death sentence, although none of the Saarebas of my tribe had ever been allowed to even attempt to remove it like I had done with Carver. Obviously the red lyrium of the idol had amplified my magic and perhaps the spell had been successful only because of that, but the way how Solona had mouthed the words made me wary.

I would have never regretted saving Carver's life, but while mixing blood magic and red lyrium had seemed like a normal course of action for me in such a desperate situation, the results might have been anything but normal for others.

"I can't talk about it here," Anders said in a low voice. "One night should be all it takes to confirm the taint is truly gone. I have another checkup to do first, so can you help me and take him to the clinic ahead?"

Solona squinted at me, which made me nervous for reasons I couldn't comprehend, as if I was being thoroughly examined by her invisible hands. Was she actually able to detect the remnants of red lyrium in my body? If so, then she would have been a talented mage who could completely conceal the presence of her own power. The effect of the lyrium on my magic had faded away hours ago, but at that moment I wished for a small boost in order to dig deeper and see who the smirking woman in front of me truly was.

I wasn't sure why it mattered to me so much. Maybe I yearned to learn more about other mages than the Saarebas, considering that most of my general experience with them was limited to the enemies I had killed and the mages in the underground who were too afraid to use their gift. It wasn't the same with Anders nor Merril, because I wished to know more about their personalities rather than their identities as spellcasters.

Or maybe I was purely too insecure about myself during social interactions and needed to know everything about the other party in order to fully function in front of them.

"What do you mean?" Carver broke the silence, thank the gods.

The look Anders gave us was not exactly reassuring. "With Wardens, you will get nightmares from the very first night the taint has settled into your system. If your dreams won't be filled with screams of an Archdemon, then I would say you are not tainted anymore."

"Sounds pleasant," Carver chuckled, then pressed his lips together for a moment. "What if the taint isn't gone, but I don't get any nightmares either?"

"Then we'll know for certain Reneka's spell didn't work," Anders stated, glancing at me and seeming apologetic for having said it.

Carver took a profound inhale, as if it was his last breath. "Good to know," he said while blowing the air out and patted me on my shoulder. "Well, guess I'll go with the lady and try to forget that I might die in my sleep. You need to rest too, sister."

Alerted by Carver's joke, I grabbed his hand and forced him to halt. Out of my two brothers, he most certainly wasn't the softer one and I had the feeling that using blood magic was one of the things he would not forgive even his family members. Neither him or Roghart had spoken much to me since the expedition's end, but I wasn't comfortable with jokes about his fragile life as our parting words. Even total silence was preferable.

Carver's expression was hard to read when I stared directly into his eyes, trying to imitate a grave face while secretly wanting to show him how scared I was. It was one of those times when I truly hated the fact I had no voice anymore. People had no idea what a gift it was for them to be able to convey their true feelings with not just their words, but the soul behind them.

"Don't worry, sis," Carver smiled and it was the best one I had witnessed yet. "I trust you, so there's nothing to worry about. I'll see you tomorrow."

Reluctantly, I released his hand and he gave me a small wave before marching forward, like a good soldier who didn't falter no matter the situation. Solona's baffled gaze kept shifting at me and Anders before she shrugged in defeat and hurried after my brother. I thumbed my palm that was still warm and gritted my teeth to hide the concern I wanted to show.

"He definitely has mastered the art of putting on a brave face," Anders said and I was glad for his attempt to lighten up the mood.

'I don't remember much, but I think he was always like that', I signed.

"I can't really blame him, considering the bar his siblings have set," he sneered at me. "You really don't need to worry about him. I might not be the best example of the Wardens, but I do possess their ability to detect the taint. No matter how insane it sounds, you did erase it completely."

I nodded in agreement, then replied with a teasing smirk 'You couldn't in the Roads.'

"Fine, use the unfair situation of super-powered lyrium potentially affecting my ability against me," Anders raised his hands, acting hurt and bested with a contagious smile.

My chest felt pleasantly tight, like a knot I didn't wish to untie even if it prevented me from breathing normally again. I couldn't get enough of his company, making me realize the richness of being surrounded by people important to me. I had resorted to extreme methods to keep Carver from leaving my side and the continuing absence of red lyrium's symptoms only advocated my actions to me. But was it a good sign or a forewarning of something more serious?

The line I was willing to cross when it came to wielding the dangerous power was still undetermined, but I knew for certain that the people I cared about were more important to me than whatever utilizing red lyrium and blood magic could have had in store for me.

"Are you feeling alright?" it wasn't surprising for Anders to ask that. I hadn't been honest about the effects of red lyrium in the past and were I the same person as back then, I would have most likely not revealed the details about this new sensation of vigor.

While I had promised myself not to hide anything from my family again, I was glad to start the conversation with Anders first. Not just because he was easier to talk to and could relate to matters concerning me as a mage, but simply because it was him. My heart leapt weirdly after having thought that, but I couldn't put it any other way.

It took a while for me to come up with the correct signs, but fortunately the Mages' Cant also covered the alphabet to spell the words I didn't know. 'I'm not sick. Not tired. Yet. I don't know why, but I feel great.'

"That definitely goes against everything I have experienced about the red lyrium," Anders rubbed his chin. "You became only fatigued after siphoning it from our surroundings and the idol in the Roads rather than consuming it internally. In Carver's case, you added blood magic. It's quite abnormal for your body not to have any reaction."

My gaze lowered on the ground, my throat feeling like a coarse lump was glued in there. 'I'm sorry', was all I could sign as a reply. My eyes refused to meet Anders', as I was certain his were filled with pure disapproval.

"Blood magic is rarely a valid choice, but it did save your brother," Anders added in a hurry. "You don't need to be sorry for that. But I think we should find out the reason for the missing side effects."

I dug out Coin's amulet and handed it over. 'This has something to do with it', my gestures with just one hand were clumsy and I trusted Anders could interpret me.

Wrinkles appeared on his forehead as he examined the necklace, holding it carefully and turning it to inspect the dark gem from every possible angle. I had hoped for some kind of different reaction from it when being held by another mage, but the amulet stayed as plain and inactive as it had always been.

"This was from that Saarebas, wasn't it?" Anders confirmed.

'Coin', I corrected him. The names I had invented for the Saarebas' of my tribe were one of the few memories I wished to keep from those years. Mages of the Qun weren't honored after their death, so it was my responsibility not to forget them. Coin would have told me how insignificant such a sentimental act was because the Saarebas' had been raised to be nothing but tools, but I was alive only because of him and the others.

"Right, yes," Anders nodded, his voice telling me that he could understand why it was important to me to identify the amulet's previous owner. "There is a strange aura about the gem, but it is so faint it doesn't tell me anything about the nature of the infused magic. I would guess it's activated with specific type of magic, red lyrium maybe?"

I shook my head. 'I used red lyrium in the tunnels. This didn't react. Or I didn't see.' Hesitating for a moment, my hands stopped midair and I curled my fingers, chewing on my lower lip before I continued 'This wasn't just red lyrium's fault. I have never been left this...normal after using only that.'

Anders folded his arms over his chest. "Then the only remaining explanation is the addition of blood magic. Have you cast similar enhanced spells in the past?"

'Yes', I admitted. 'But, again, I was never like this after doing so. Like...' I had run out of the words I could have described myself with.

"Normal?" Anders repeated from my earlier statement with a curious smile.

'Powerful', I countered. 'Too powerful.'

The thought of how wrong it was for me to be left with anything but sickness and pain after eating the crimson poison was absurd. Not that I defended my actions when it came to red lyrium, but if I could save someone's life rather than end it with its help only, wouldn't it have been better for everyone if I wasn't knocked out by it in the aftermath?

However, the vibrant body and the keen mind that were supposed to belong to me now felt completely alien. I looked at my steady hands, trying to focus on the sound of my breathing but unintentionally heard the details of a conversation two miners were having beside us. My eyelids pressed shut tightly and yet I could visualize perfectly what was around me. I was aware of every stone on the muddy ground, every creak of a closing door or a window as the people of Darktown were preparing themselves for the bed. My alertness made me believe I didn't need to sleep for days, while my subconscious was begging me to heed Carver's advice.

'It's not normal' I shook my head, my signs much more encumbered than anything else about me currently. 'Nothing about red lyrium is, but this is...scary.'

When I was about to lower my gaze again, Anders caught me off guard by tilting my chin up to meet his golden brown eyes. Maybe I wasn't on such a high alert as I had assumed, although now that my focus was on him, it was sharper than ever.

"I understand what you mean," he said softly and rubbed his neck. "I know the feeling of not being fully in control and If I can help you get the answers you seek, I will gladly do so."

Of course he could relate to my situation. I hadn't witnessed Justice since the encounter at the Chantry, but he had made his presence known every time I had felt some level of anger from Anders. Yet he hadn't given the reins to the spirit, so in terms of having control over the extra source of magic I was way behind compared to him. Every time I had been too hasty to let my emotions guide my hand towards the shards that could solve all my problems and I still hadn't learned my lesson.

Blood magic was no different matter. It had been common for the Saarebas' of my tribe to resort to it in situations where all the odds had been stacked against us and our Arishok had always attracted the most vicious kind of enemies. Consuming red lyrium had been one of the first orders from the Arvaarads and if we wished to be alive when the fatigue would indubitably hit us, using blood had often been the only option.

Without my shackles, I had been granted many other options. I could finally call myself as something else than a 'freak who could bring the world to ruin with her hands covered in crimson', like my Arvaarad had nicely titled me.

'I need to know about the magic that activated this', I signed after Anders gave the amulet back to me.

My words darkened his expression a little bit, but that was to be expected. It was up to me to prove to him and my brothers that I could fight without relying on the skills of my past, and learning about the tools that affected it was part of the process.

"I've tried not to get too knowledgeable about blood magic for obvious reasons," Anders sighed. "Too many mages in Kirkwall alone have chosen that path out of despair and it pains me every time to see it happen, because almost none of them are able to turn around once their panicking minds have been set."

'Not to use it', I hastily responded. 'To prevent...this', I gestured at myself, realizing how silly it must have looked.

"I admit that I prefer this condition over the one I've seen red lyrium put you into, but if it can only be achieved with blood magic, then I would rather find a plan to erase red lyrium from the whole world. I don't assume you happen to have one in your pocket? That would certainly knock the main big bad guy out of the game."

I let out a hollow chuckle and shook my head. If disposing of red lyrium would have been that easy, I would never have been forced to eat it for all the years as a prisoner. On the contrary, since the journey in the Deep Roads I had been plagued with the possibility that it was spreading further in Thedas.

A sudden thought occurred to me as I was going over the list of people I had met in my mind. 'Merrill', I signed letter by letter. 'She used blood magic.'

"Yes, she did," Anders didn't sound too happy about it. "You think she could tell us how the amulet operates?"

Us, I silently clung to the word, feeling funny about how it made me wonder if he had purposely decided to let my problem be his problem. The fuzzy sensation was somehow similar yet completely different to what I had experienced when Jethann had generously aided me while living in the underground. Without any clear model or a concept to tell me otherwise, I had believed it was a natural reaction between friends.

Why was he able to alter that feeling so much? Because we were both mages? Because he was something else? A closer friend?

'Could we go meet her?' I tried to hide my nervousness behind calm signs.

"At this hour?" Anders smirked. "Although, I have no idea about elves' sleeping habits, so she could be still awake."

'The effect of the amulet might stop if we wait', my fingers worked miracles to make the correct signs.

Scratching the stubble of his beard, Anders answered me with another one of his radiant smiles. "Well, I don't usually wander Kirkwall's streets so late at night, but I'll make an exception for you," he theatrically offered me his hand. "Maker willing, we won't bump into any templar patrols on the way. Not that the city guards are any safer bet, but at least one of them could be Aveline, which should increase our chances of not getting dragged away in chains."

I returned to my old gestures of gratitude and grabbed Anders' palm while he was still speaking, but this time I enclosed it inside my hands and brought them to touch my chin. Against my predictions, I didn't find myself distracted but serene, like a cat that had curled up beside the warmth of a human it trusted the most. The Saarebas' weren't forgiven a single mistake, yet Anders had never shown anything but kindness towards me, despite the fact that I didn't always deserve it. I searched his eyes for something to alarm me that he wouldn't abide by my actions anymore.

He actually seemed to blush a bit, which only widened my grin, because I thought it looked cute. I wished so hard to have a clear voice to tell this man how important his support was to me, how genuinely I wanted to change to show him and everyone that I could do much more than destroy.

When Anders placed his other hand on top of mine, it was my turn to sense the heat on my face. "You're full of surprises as always, Reneka," he breathed silently, while I was certain I hadn't drawn a breath in a while now and released my grip before I would have passed out.

'I wasn't—' my fingers stopped and I let my gaze wander aimlessly on the ground. How could I correctly express my feelings to him when I myself had no clue what to make of the tangled mess whirling inside my head whenever he was so close to me?

When our eyes met again, Anders cleared his throat and turned other way like he was looking for something, wearing a mysterious face that suddenly seemed to cloak his whole presence. I tried my hardest to figure out how to describe it, but after I couldn't come up with any better term than remorse, I gave up and concentrated on cooling the skin on my cheeks. There was no reason for him to feel remorse, was there? Towards what?

"Sorry, you're right," the corners of Anders' mouth curved up slightly, but I could tell some other emotion was concealed behind the display. "I shouldn't tease you. I'm...ready to go whenever you are."

I didn't wish to prolong the awkward moment and waited for him to take the first step before quickly accompanying him. We walked side by side and even without my enhanced senses, I'm sure I could have heard the soft rustling of his jacket, perceived how the faint wind blew against the loose strands of his hair. Yet there seemed to be an invisible wall between us that prevented me from having full access, like I was allowed to visualize what lay beyond it but the accurate truth was blocked behind thick bricks.

Maybe I had been too open. His initiative to always help me had probably caused me to take his assistance for granted, which would have been quite arrogant for anyone, so no wonder if my show of gratitude or other actions had been too much. My social skills were shit to begin with and I didn't want to practice them on Anders. I wanted him to be the one to receive the accurate truth.

What did I need to do to break those bricks apart and convey that to him?