Chapter 7

Naruto was desperate.

After Sasuke's latest disaster—"CONGRATULATIONS ON SURVIVING"—it was clear that his socially stunted best friend needed serious intervention. So, Naruto did what any rational person would do.

He begged Sakura for help.

"Sakura-chan, please! You're our last hope!" Naruto whined dramatically; hands pressed together as if praying to a divine force.

Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. "Naruto, I'm a medical ninja, not a therapist for emotionally constipated Uchiha."

Naruto grabbed her shoulders. "We need your medical expertise because Sasuke is TERMINALLY UNABLE TO ACT NORMAL."

Sakura sighed, rubbing her temples. She really thought Sasuke was improving. Then she heard about The Incident.

"…He told Hinata 'Congratulations on surviving'?" she repeated.

Naruto nodded solemnly. "Yeah. In front of everyone. Kiba's still traumatized."

Sakura groaned. "Fine. Bring him here."

Sasuke sat with his arms crossed in Sakura's living room, looking 1000% done with everything. Across from him, Naruto sat eagerly, and Sakura stood in front of them like an academy teacher.

"Alright, Sasuke. Today, we're going to practice normal greetings," Sakura announced, holding a clipboard.

Sasuke frowned. "This is stupid."

"What's stupid," Naruto shot back, "is making it sound like Hinata barely dodged death every time you see her."

Sasuke exhaled sharply. "Tch."

Sakura ignored them and clapped her hands. "Let's start simple. Naruto, greet Sasuke normally."

Naruto beamed. "Yo! What's up, Sasuke?"

Sasuke stared at him. What's up? Up where? Was Naruto asking about the sky? His emotional state?

"…The ceiling," Sasuke deadpanned.

Naruto choked. "BRO, NO."

Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose again. "Okay. Let's try another one. Sasuke, if someone says 'Good morning,' what do you say back?"

Sasuke thought for a moment.

Then, with complete seriousness, he said, "You have made it through the night."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Naruto fell to the floor, clutching his chest like he'd been stabbed.

Sakura threw her clipboard down. "Sasuke, what the actual hell?!"

Sasuke scowled. "It's technically correct."

Naruto grabbed Sasuke's shirt, looking up at him in despair. "Do you WANT people to think you're an omen of death?"

Sasuke yanked his shirt free. "I don't care what people think."

Sakura crossed her arms. "Oh yeah? What about Hinata?"

Sasuke froze for exactly half a second.

Sakura smirked. "Thought so."

Naruto gasped. "Wait a minute—don't tell me—you actually care about what Hinata thinks?!"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "Shut up."

Naruto and Sakura gasped in unison. "OH MY GOD, YOU DO."

Sakura smirked, hands on her hips. "Alright, Sasuke. Time to prove what you've learned."

Sasuke scowled. "Tch. Fine."

As if the universe was waiting for this exact moment, Hinata suddenly appeared in the street outside, carrying a small bag of groceries.

Naruto grabbed Sasuke's shoulders. "THIS IS IT, BRO. YOUR REDEMPTION ARC. DON'T SCREW IT UP."

Hinata spotted them and smiled warmly. "Oh, good afternoon, Sasuke-san!"

The world paused. Naruto and Sakura held their breath.

Sasuke nodded and, after a moment's hesitation, forced out his new and improved response, "…You are still here."

Naruto screamed into his hands. Sakura grabbed a chair and sat down like she aged 50 years.

Hinata, to everyone's shock, just giggled. "Y-Yes, I am. And so are you."

Sasuke nodded like this was a normal conversation. "Hn."

Naruto turned to Sakura. "I give up. He's a lost cause."

Sakura sighed. "At least he didn't say 'May you continue to exist' this time."