A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Hopefully this chapter will post smoothly without glitches this time.
Chapter 9
"Is the city much different in your time?" Johanna asked, feeling anxious to break the awkward silence that had fallen between her and Kate as they wandered the city streets that morning.
Kate glanced at her. "In some ways."
"Tell me how it's different."
"Well, you're not going to see phone booths every so many street corners," she told her. "There might be a few lingering in certain places but they're pretty much a thing of the past."
"That's hard to believe," Johanna murmured.
"Cell phones pretty much did them in…no need for a payphone when you have your own phone in your pocket or in your purse."
Johanna gave a nod. "I guess that would make sense…and it's probably safer for women to carry a phone with them all the time."
"That's true."
"Anything else that's different?"
"You won't see as many newsstands either."
Johanna's gaze jerked toward her. "Why wouldn't there be many newsstands?"
"Well, a lot of magazines have moved to online formats."
"What does that mean?"
"It means that you read it online…on the internet; that they don't print that magazine anymore."
Johanna's nose wrinkled. "I don't like the sound of that."
"Oh I know, I've heard a few gripes about it. You like physical media that you can hold in your hands and flip through…but don't worry, your People Magazine is still being printed."
"Oh good; that's a relief. What about TV Guide?"
"Yes…but it's much different from what you're used to. It's not a thick little book anymore; it's thin like a magazine…and they don't have local listings anymore, just listings for the networks."
"That seems odd…no local listings? How do you know what's on in your area in that case? You just have to flip channels?"
Kate shook her head. "No, there's a guide on your Tv itself that you can pull up and go through the listings."
"On the Tv?" she asked skeptically.
"Yes, it comes up on your screen."
"Wow, I can't imagine that…but I bet Jim will like it."
"He does," she confirmed.
"Are there still food vendors on the streets?"
"Yes, definitely," she answered as they made their way to Times Square.
Johanna glanced up at the towering building that was always the focus on New Years Eve. "Do they still drop the ball on New Years Eve?"
Kate nodded as she glanced around. "Yes…but Times Square in my day is a bit different from here."
"How so?"
"It's plastered with very bright, electronic billboards…it's…well, compared to this, I guess you could say it seems a bit chaotic…a bit too much in the way of lights and size of the billboards."
"It's hard to imagine," Johanna admitted.
"I guess it would be," she replied. "Crime is somewhat lower in my time compared to the 70s."
"That's good…is my law firm still around?"
"Yeah, it's still there."
"I should've asked to borrow Jim's car," Johanna remarked. "If I had his car, I'd have you tell me how to get to the house I have in your world so I could see it."
"You're not going to remember it anyway; you'll see it when the time comes," Kate told her.
"I know I won't remember everything, but some things I will."
"You can't."
"I can."
Kate breathed deeply, trying to quell her own anxiety. "Maybe we should change the subject or find something to do."
Johanna was quiet for a long moment until finally she glanced at her. "Let's take the subway to Coney Island."
Kate had to keep herself from flinching at the idea; remembering all too well how that was where she and her father had gone after the funeral they should've never been put through while her mother was whisked away somewhere. "No, let's go somewhere else."
"Why? I always do my best thinking at the beach."
She shook her head. "I don't like Coney Island."
Johanna frowned. "I guess I didn't take you there as a kid?"
"You did, plenty of times. I just don't care for it now that I'm an adult."
Johanna shoved hands into the pockets of her jeans. "Okay…I guess we can go to the park…or do you not like that either?"
Kate sighed deeply. "What I really want is to go home…but I can't, because I'm stuck here."
"If I could get you there, I would," Johanna said firmly. "Believe me, I'm not having a good time either being with someone who hates me…just feeling the animosity from you makes my skin crawl but I'm doing my best to overlook it, I'm trying to do whatever needs done for you. I kept a roof over your head last night, I fed you…I learned things I didn't want to know…but I'm still trying…and did you ever think that maybe you're stuck here because you don't try enough? Maybe you just don't try at all! Not here…and maybe not there! You act like it's all my fault…well it's got to be your fault in some ways too!"
"I never said it wasn't!"
"No, but you sure are good at acting like it isn't," Johanna shot back.
Another sigh crossed her lips. "Fine, let's go to Coney Island."
"No," Johanna replied. "Forget it. Let's just go back to my apartment…there's really no point in us being out."
"No, let's just keep walking…I want to see more of the city."
Johanna scoffed. "Yeah, I guess you better learn your way around since apparently you're going to be here for awhile…maybe we can find you a job."
"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to be here for long enough to need a job!"
"You better hope not…or you'll be moving in with your father."
"I don't think he's going to go for that," Kate replied. "That would get in his way of being with you."
"Then you better get it together and figure out what the hell you need to learn here," Johanna said.
"God you're moody," Kate remarked. "I thought that was a new thing for you in my world but apparently it's just your personality."
Johanna shot her a glare. "Only when I'm dealing with exasperating people who think they're all that."
Kate sighed; she had heard similar comments from her mother all through the spring…comments alluding to the fact that her mother felt like she acted as though she was better than her family…and suddenly, hearing it from this younger version of her mother, she started wonder if she did act that way. Did she think she was better than her mother? It was a startling thought…not to mention not the kind of person she wanted to be. She didn't want to think she was better than anyone, especially her own mother.
"I think we should go to Coney Island," she told Johanna.
"Why?"
She shrugged. "Because it's where you want to go…I'm sure you had plans for the weekend and I'm interrupting that."
"I didn't have any plans," she replied.
"I find that hard to believe."
"What's hard to believe about just wanting to stay home?" Johanna asked. "I work all week; I just want to be home sometimes…catching up on cleaning or cooking or just laying on my couch watching TV."
"Yeah…but you're alone."
"Sometimes I like being alone," Johanna replied. "You don't have to meet anyone's expectations if you just stay home by yourself sometimes. I get tired you know? I have to be everything everyone wants me to be and it gets old…it gets heavy. I get tired and like to be alone so I only have to be me. That's why I went away this summer with Jim…so I didn't have to be anything but Johanna. I didn't have to be Naomi's daughter that just won't settle down or Frank's daughter that he can't stand to look at. I didn't have to be Colleen's so called jealous older sister, when I'm not jealous of a damn thing she has. I didn't have to be Frankie's annoying younger sister. I didn't have to be someone's lawyer. I didn't have to be the friend who always listens but rarely gets listened to in return. I didn't have to be a lot of things…all I had to be was me. Being here with you, makes me wonder how many other things I have to be on a daily basis in your world that I fail at just like I fail here."
Kate shook her head. "You're not failing."
"Oh yes I am," she said with a bitter laugh. "And I know now that it's always going to be that way…worse in fact. I wish I didn't have to remember it…but I will, because I have to change it for you."
"You can't change it," Kate remarked. "You're not going to remember."
"I am," Johanna said confidently. "I'm going to fix it…because I can't stand the thought of spending my life knowing that my kid hates me. I don't want to feel my skin crawl every time you look at me."
"I don't hate you," she said quietly.
"You do," Johanna replied. "I see it all over you."
Kate shook her head; her gaze darting from the young woman beside her to the hustle and bustle of Times Square where they had paused. "Let's get out of here, okay?"
"Fine; let's go back to my apartment."
"No, let's just go to Coney Island like you wanted."
"I don't want to…I have a feeling it wouldn't work this time," she muttered.
"What wouldn't work?"
"Making me feel better," Johanna replied.
"I don't think either one of us is going to feel better right now."
"Maybe not."
"Let's go to the park," Kate suggested. "That gives us a quieter spot while still getting some air."
"Fine," she replied. "Central Park or do you have some other preference?"
"Central Park is fine," Kate replied.
"Let's get a cab," Johanna said.
"Did you bring money? Because I don't have any on me," she murmured.
"I never leave home without cash," Johanna answered.
"I'm assuming since you didn't bring your purse, you shoved it in your bra as usual?"
"No, today I put it in my pocket with my license and credit card. I shove it in my bra when I don't have pockets."
"You never leave home without a credit card."
"You never know when you're going to have an emergency," Johanna replied.
"That's true."
"Let's find a cab…maybe we shouldn't talk much on the ride so the driver doesn't have to hear us fight."
Kate smirked at her. "Fine…we'll save it for the park."
Johanna rolled her eyes. "Something to look forward to."
As they found a quiet place to settle down on the grass in the park, Kate thought to herself that she had seen most of her mother's nervous habits on display that morning. Johanna McKenzie had tapped her foot the entire cab ride and then, once they were on foot once more, had picked up her habit of toying with her ring. "Are you nervous about something?" Kate finally asked once they were settled.
"Why do you ask?"
"You tapped your foot the whole ride…and you're playing with your ring. You always do those things when you're nervous."
"I'm not really nervous…just uneasy I guess."
"Why?"
Johanna looked at her incredulously. "Gee, I wonder why…couldn't possibly be because some ghost popped into my apartment bringing me someone who's supposed to be my time traveling daughter who tells me how terrible my life is going to end up. I can't imagine why I might feel the slightest bit uneasy."
"Glad to see your sarcasm has been a lifelong thing."
"Probably most things about me that you claim to know have been lifelong."
"What about depression?" Kate asked without really meaning to, but suddenly she wanted to know the answer, wanted to know if it had been lingering in her mother's psyche for all those years, just more carefully hidden back before the world had fallen apart.
"Depression?"
She nodded. "You apparently suffered from it while you were away…and you still seem to suffer from it at times. I just wondered if it's something I missed along the way. Do you think you get depressed?"
Johanna thought for a long moment. "I know I was for awhile this summer…so many things were going on; Colleen's wedding, my mother's constant harping and acting like someone I didn't know. My grandfather had a long final illness which led to a huge fight with my father…and there were other things mixed up in all of that as well. So yeah, I definitely had a bout of it this summer."
"How did you get over it?"
She smiled a little. "Jim took me away on vacation…we took a road trip."
"And it made you feel better?"
"Yes…it healed me."
"And yet you've looked very sad since yesterday."
"You'd look sad too if you had been told the things about your life that I was told last night," Johanna remarked.
"I guess that's true. I guess I just keep trying to see how you might be different here and yet you seem the same in a lot of ways."
"Which means what?" she asked.
"Maybe some of the traits I didn't think you had before have been there all along," Kate remarked. "Maybe I didn't see them before…but how could I have missed them? I grew up with you; you raised me…even as a teenager I didn't see it."
"Maybe we're not supposed to see some things until we're older. I've seen sides of my mother this year that I never saw before. She hates my job…she thinks I don't focus on what's important; but her definition of what's important right now differs from mine. Both of my siblings are married now and she seems to think I need to play catch up. She taught me to believe in fairy tales and then looked me in the face and told me I needed to find someone I could settle for instead of looking for some grand romance…but I can't do that. I'm not ready to get married just yet…what's the hurry? I'm not ready to give up on the man I want just to fit in some mold she has in mind for me."
"How does it make you feel to see those kinds of traits in her now?" Kate asked.
Johanna shrugged a little. "Sometimes it hurts…sometimes it annoys…but what can I do about it? I can't change her any more than she can change me. All my life I just wanted to be like her…but I can't be like her, with a few exceptions of course. She can't change and neither can I. I wouldn't know how to change even if I wanted to."
Kate was quiet for a few long moments. "Maybe that's part of our problem. I keep wanting you to change…."
"But I can't change who I am at my core," Johanna replied. "I can't even do that for my parents and sometimes I wish I could…but I can't change who I am…but maybe you've changed?"
Kate's fingers toyed with grass beneath her hand. "You told me once a few months ago that I let too many people crawl inside my head and do my thinking for me."
"Do you think that's true?" Johanna asked.
She breathed deeply. "Sometimes," she admitted. "And I hated you for saying it."
"Because you didn't want to admit that sometimes you let people do that?"
"Yeah…I guess so. Maybe I do let other people's opinions color my opinions and feelings about you."
"Whose opinions would those be?"
"I guess as much as I hate to say it…my husband's."
"He doesn't like me, does he?" Johanna asked with a laugh.
"It seems that way at times…but why do you seem to think that's funny?"
"Because out of all the things you've told me about the future, that seems like the most realistic and normal thing."
"How can you say that?"
"Because mothers-in-law always seem to have a bad reputation."
"Grandpa always seemed to like Nona."
"Yes, he does…but that doesn't mean she doesn't exasperate him from time to time," Johanna replied. "But I figure it's normal to have a little in-law discord. Any other opinions that get in your head?"
"I guess in hindsight, I have let Martha take over your role in some ways; especially during the wedding."
"Your mother-in-law…because you like her better," Johanna said quietly.
Kate sighed softly. "I don't think it's that I like her better…it's just easier sometimes…and like my husband, she's always assuring me that I'm right when it comes to you."
"I see. That's why you want me to change…I don't fit their ideals, so now I can't fill any of yours either."
"I don't know…it feels complicated all of a sudden. What do you do when you feel like your mother is on a completely different page from you? Those moments when you realize that there are things she wishes she could change about you?"
"The only thing I can do," Johanna replied. "I love her anyway. I get mad sometimes and pull away…let the phone ring, don't go home for those dinners you seem to think are so terrible. We have our arguments. But even when I'm angry or hurt, I just love her anyway because what else can I do? She can't change and neither can I…so sometimes we take a break, but I always come back. She's my mother, I love her, no matter what."
"Maybe sometimes I don't let myself love you anyway," Kate murmured. "Maybe I do hang on to bitterness and anger…."
"And other people's helpful opinions that aren't so helpful?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."
"I figure we're all guilty of that," Johanna replied.
"How can you be guilty of it?"
"Because people get in my head sometimes…usually making me doubt what I know about myself. Like sometimes when my mother is harping at me about finding a husband…I start to wonder if she's right and that I should be in some panic that I've been left behind. Sometimes when she's on a tangent about my job…I wonder if I made a mistake in choosing a career…and knowing what I know from you, I did indeed make a mistake choosing this career."
Kate shook her head. "No, you didn't…if you hadn't chosen it, you probably wouldn't have met Dad and then I wouldn't have been born."
"I guess that's true," Johanna murmured. "But knowing what it leads to is a heavy weight to carry. I keep thinking about the woman in the picture you showed me…"
"She's you…whether it's easy for you to believe or not."
"I know…but I have that image burned into my mind right now…and I could tell she wasn't happy. She's all dressed up in a pretty dress, trying to smile because as usual she was told to…but she's not happy that day…I can see that in her eyes…and I wonder how much weight she's carrying there. I imagine it's probably a bigger weight than she ever carried before."
"It's because you won't let it go," Kate said quietly.
Johanna met her eye. "Like I said last night; maybe I can't let go because you won't let me."
Kate breathed deeply. "I thought about that all night long."
"And you think I'm probably wrong since I don't really know all the details?"
She shook her head. "No, I wouldn't say that…you might be right…which I hate. Maybe I do keep holding it over your head. Maybe I keep holding it over both of us."
"Because you can't let it go either?"
"I don't know…I thought I had."
"Maybe you think having distance is letting go…when really it's just a way to hide from it…with the added advantage of punishing her."
"You think I want to punish you?" Kate asked.
Johanna shrugged. "If I hated someone as much as you seem to…I would want to punish them for the hurt they caused me."
"But I don't hate you," she said, her voice cracking a little.
"Then what do you feel? You said you don't let yourself love her anyway…so what is it?"
"I do love my mother."
Johanna worried her bottom lip for a moment. "I feel like maybe whatever love you have for her comes with conditions…like that she has to be kept at a distance while you live your new life and enjoy your time with your mother-in-law much more than you enjoy her time. You don't seem to have room for her, and you like it that way."
"It's not that!"
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know!"
"You have to know," she prodded.
"Maybe I'm afraid," Kate retorted.
"Afraid of what?"
"To get close again…you were everything to me and then you were gone," she cried. "You were gone and life as I knew it ended…and all I wanted was for it all to have been some mistake or a lie…and years later I find out it was…and I couldn't be happy. All I got to be was angry…and afraid that you'll disappear again."
A sheen of tears laid in Johanna's eyes. "I'm sure she's angry too…look what it cost her. It cost her everything…and if her only daughter can't accept her, then she's still paying the price. You say that she's safe; so I assume the danger is gone?"
Kate nodded. "Yes, it's gone…never to come back."
"Then there's nothing to be afraid of," Johanna murmured. "Except for losing the second chance you both were given…because one day she will be gone…and do you want to look back and see all the time you wasted being afraid? Do you want to live with that regret?"
She swallowed hard. "No, but…"
"But what?!" she exclaimed. "At least she wants you…do you know how much I wish I had a better relationship with my father? Do you know how it hurts me every day of my life knowing he can't stand me? That I'm the one he didn't want? That every time I think he's letting me in, he slams the door in my face? You have two parents that love you and want you in their lives…you got a second chance. What matters more to you? Your fear of being close to her again…or having that regret one day when you know you're out of chances? You say you haven't talked in months…that she hasn't even let you know that she's home from her trip. She's already giving up on you…do you want her to give up? Do you want her to just be someone you might see on the street or in a store once in a blue moon? Is that what you want?"
"No!"
"Then what do you want? Do you want her to beg you?"
"No!"
"Then what do you want her to do, Katie? Maybe the box you want shove her into is too narrow and impossible to maintain. What do you want her to do?"
"I don't know," she cried. "I guess I just don't like to get close to people anymore because of everything that happened."
Johanna was quiet for a minute. "I get that," she finally said softly. "I get afraid too. I don't like to get close either."
"How can that be?"
"My own father hates me," Johanna murmured. "That takes a toll on a person, you know? My relationships expire faster than a gallon of milk…and I'm always the problem. I get hurt a lot…from my family…from my friends…from men. So I get it…I don't like to get close either and risk the pain."
"You're close to Dad…even in this time. You don't have to worry about any of that with him."
"But I do worry about it…we both do. I guess that's why we kind of danced around the topic of the state of our relationship this summer. We subtly agreed that we're not ready to change things."
"But you will change them."
"I guess that's true if I end up having you."
"And you're still together…so it was worth the risk."
Johanna nodded. "I guess now you have to figure out if what scares you is worth the risk."
Kate brushed away a few tears. "I don't know why everything has to be so hard."
"Probably because we make that way…at least that's what I've been told."
"That's pretty much what the Eagles said in I Can't Tell You Why."
Johanna's eyes lit up. "That's my favorite band but I don't know that song."
"I know they're your favorite…that song hasn't been recorded yet in this world but in a few years you'll love it like the others. Cher will have some albums you'll love coming up too."
"Good to know," she replied as she shifted a little, trying to make herself more comfortable although it seemed like a loss cause.
Kate shifted a little as well as she glanced at the young woman next to her. "You keep bringing up your Dad…and I know I don't know exactly what has gone on for you recently with him…but I just want you to know, even if it is temporary, that when I was a kid, I never knew you two had the type of discord that you do…I didn't know about it until I was older. He was a very loving grandfather and I feel safe saying things were more settled between the two of you when I was a kid."
Johanna scoffed. "I'm supposed to take your word for that when you apparently don't even know anything about your own mother?"
"I was hoping you would because it's the truth," Kate replied.
"Yeah, well, I don't," Johanna said firmly. "Nothing is ever going to change between him and me; I know that all too well."
"Sometimes I feel that way about me and you."
Johanna wrapped her arms around her legs. "The way it sounds; I figure the woman in the picture feels that way too."
"I wish you'd quit acting like she's not you."
"It's just hard to reconcile…I mean, isn't it hard for you to reconcile that I'm that woman in the photo?"
"No, not really," Kate replied. "I mean, yes it's odd knowing you're younger than me in this world…but you're still you."
"If I'm still me even in an era that you weren't around for…then why are you so convinced that I need to change in your world? That I'm somehow different?"
"I don't know," Kate said quietly. "Maybe I…maybe I make myself believe you're different and that you're not the same person you always have been."
Johanna met her eye. "Because it's more convenient for you that way?"
"So you're saying I'm the problem?" she asked.
Johanna shook her head. "No, not completely…but I think you're a big part of whatever her problem is…like that letting go thing. How can you expect her to let go when you won't? How can she get over it, if you won't let her because you're letting those other people do your thinking for you? How can she show you that she can be the mother you want if you keep shoving her away and letting someone else take her place? You know, even though I know my father is never going to change…those rare times when I think he's letting me in, I always walk through the door even though I know it won't last…because despite it all, I want it to…and it won't ever be that way for me; but maybe it could be for you if you stop throwing away your chances. Like I said, at least your parents want you…I have a parent that doesn't want me and I have to carry that every day of my life…and you're throwing yours away; and for what? Is it teaching her a lesson? Is it really getting even for what she had to do? What purpose is it serving, Katie?"
Kate's eyes closed; even in the 1970s her mother could dole out the tough questions and punches. "I guess it doesn't serve any purpose to keep the wounds open," she murmured.
"Then let them heal," Johanna replied. "Maybe she can be better if you show her you're willing to try a little more."
"How?"
"I don't know…maybe the same way I show my mother…by coming back when she lets me go."
"What if she doesn't want me to come back?" Kate said softly.
"She does."
"How can you be sure of that?"
"Because I'm her…and I can't imagine ever not wanting you to come back. Just like I know you're going to leave here before long…and even though we don't seem to get along, the thought of it makes me sad."
"Really?"
"Yeah…because for whatever reason, despite the fact that we seem to bicker a lot…I do feel connected to you in some small way that I can't explain," Johanna replied.
"Because you're my mom," Kate replied.
She gave a nod. "And I'm sure I still want to be your mom in your world."
"I hope you're right about that," she whispered as she turned her gaze back to the view of the park. Maybe she was right about a lot things, as much as she hated to admit it.