Dipper and Mabel made their way across the street from Blendin's pocket watch repair shop up to the saloon. Along the way, they passed the man thrown out the window before, who continued to lay unconsciously in the gravel, much to the care of no surrounding pedestrians. The twins themselves approached the saloon doors, stopping right outside of them before making their way inside.
"Alright, so what's our guise here?" Dipper asked.
Mabel put a finger to her lower lip as she thought. "How about… you're Private Investigator Dippity, and I'm Sheriff Mabelton!"
"Mabel, you can't pretend to be the sheriff of an established town."
"Well, what if I'm a sheriff from out of town?" she suggested, bouncing her eyebrows at her own perceived cleverness. "Ehhhh?"
"That makes even less sense."
"Does anything about our current situation make any sense to you?"
"I can't argue with you there," he yielded. "Still, just don't get caught."
"Yes siree, Dippity," she nodded with a smug smile.
"And I didn't agree to that name," he clarified sternly. "But, eh… Screw it."
Without further anticipation, Dipper took the lead and put his hands on the saloon doors, swinging them open as he and Mabel walked inside. As they took a few steps inward, they soon stopped in place as they analyzed their surroundings.
Daylight lit up the saloon from its few windows, but several lit candle lamps illuminated what wasn't touched by the daylight. To the twins' left was the bar, where several patrons stood and sat. A bunch of round wooden tables sat around from the twins' right. Some were empty, but others were seated by several other patrons. Many were sipping their drinks or having a meal, most while having overlapping conversations. Lastly, in the far back corner of the saloon was a piano player, who played some mellow ragtime music that fit the casual state of the setting.
The whole place seemed to be dominated at that moment by men, many rugged, roughened, and tough in appearance. There was no one around who held any inviting or friendly aura. In fact, nearly everyone seemed to present quite the opposite. It didn't take much looking around to notice all the six-shooters most people had holstered at their sides. Luckily, it didn't appear any of them paid much attention as the twins stepped inside.
Dipper looked back and forth between the sides of the room as he mentally plotted. "Okay, how about you ask around at the tables while I go ask around at the bar?"
Mabel shrugged. "Sounds good to me. Don't get shot!"
"I could say the same to you," he nodded back.
The two split off and diverged, with Mabel walking along the right side through the various occupied tables while Dipper approached the packed bar on the left side.
As he made his way up to the bar, he realized he wasn't going to have much luck forcing himself between the various patrons to stand at the bar himself. As such, he focused his sights on a pair of two cowboys who appeared to be conversing specifically with one another and approached them from behind.
He cleared his throat loudly, prompting the two men to turn their focus toward him. As he caught their eyes, he pushed his lips up while narrowing an eye exaggeratedly.
"Howdy, gentlemen," he greeted in an attempted gruff southern voice as he tipped his cowboy hat.
Both men stared at him weirdly for a moment before narrowing their eyes in annoyance.
"Aw, man. When did they start letting children in here?" the left cowboy said.
"I'm outta here!" the right cowboy said, throwing his shot glass to the side as he walked off, with the other cowboy following right behind him out of the saloon.
On the bright side, Dipper was now left with an open space at the bar for him to take. On the other hand, he was left very irritated and slightly concerned by the reaction of the two cowboys.
"Seriously, I'm about to be seventeen. I still don't look that young, do I?" he said to himself.
"Alright, what'll it be?"
Dipper looked up ahead and saw that the bartender was standing right across from him, wiping a pint glass with a towel. Upon second glance, Dipper raised an eyebrow as he analyzed the bartender's face.
"Woah, wait… Thompson?"
Although not nearly as fit, the bartender had all the characteristics of the Thompson he knew in the present. Save for the usual Old West bartender outfit, the only major difference was the almost comically large handlebar mustache he had on his face. Still, he went wide-eyed upon Dipper addressing him.
"What the…? H-How do you know my family name?" he questioned nervously. "You better not try anything funny! I-I have a gun! I've never shot it before, but I'm mostly not afraid to use it!"
"Woah, woah! Chill, man! I'm not here to cause trouble!" Dipper insisted.
"You better not be!" Thompson said while pointing a threatening finger in his face. "I've had enough trouble these past few days! Bar fights, drunks, outlaws, drunken outlaws… WHY IS THERE A COW INSIDE?!"
Dipper looked right over his shoulder and spotted a previously unnoticed cow just casually standing at a nearby table in the middle of the saloon. The cow mooed almost immediately in response.
"Don't worry! She's with me!" a man in farmer's clothes called out from the table beside the cow.
Thompson just gave an annoyed sigh before turning his attention back to Dipper, continuing to wipe the inside of the pint glass. "Anyway, what'll it be, feller?"
"Actually, the name's Private Investigator Dippity," he introduced while leaning over the bar. "I'm currently investigating a case related to a known outlaw. Goes by the name Wild Eyes Joe. I was wondering if you could give me any sort of tip as to where I might be able to find him."
Thompson raised an eyebrow. "Who's asking?"
"Uhh… me? Just me. I literally just asked."
Thompson quickly slammed the pint glass down as he suddenly leaned in toward Dipper with very serious eyes, which caught him by surprise.
"Listen, boy! I don't know what your deal is, but you're too young to be messin' with the likes of Wild Eyes Joe," he said sternly. "Whatever it is you're after, I say drop it before you get yourself into some real trouble that you ain't gonna be able to walk away from…"
Dipper was unprepared to be met with Thompson's intense, warning eye contact. He held it for a moment before his eyes glanced just two inches down his face.
"Your nose is bleeding, man," he said.
Thompson's serious face instantly softened up with this reminder as he covered his nose with his hands. "Aw, man! It always does that when I try to act tough!"
Across the saloon, Mabel sat at a table beside a very large and big-bearded cowboy whose face looked as tough and mean as any stone-cold gunslinger.
At least, that's how it looked a moment ago.
"...and that's why she left me," the cowboy told her with somber eyes as he stared down at his drink in hand.
"You poor, poor man. You've been through so much..." Mabel said sympathetically as she shook her head.
The cowboy sniffled as his eyes started to water. "And she took not just the kids… but the goat too! I LOVED THAT GOAT!"
From there, he broke down sobbing, tucking his face in his arm as it rested on the table. Mabel pursed her lip sadly as she leaned in and patted his back comfortingly.
Behind her, Dipper soon approached with a slightly defeated face. "Well, asking at the bar was a bust. Did you find out anything?"
"No, but I did hear about this man's tragic life story," Mabel replied, gesturing toward the crying cowboy. "In fact, I think it would make him feel even better if he had a second person to talk to about it."
"It would!" the cowboy cried out briefly amidst his intense sobbing.
Dipper just gave her a look instead. "Mabel, we don't have time for this. Remember what we're here for? We need to be asking around about Wild Eyes Joe!"
"Did y'all say you're looking for Wild Eyes Joe?"
The twins looked up and noticed a table beside them with a bunch of other apparent gunslingers. Each of them eyeballed the twins in not-so-friendly ways as they scanned their appearances. Unlike some of the faces they had met so far, no one at the table bore any resemblance to any of the townsfolk they knew in the present, but these men looked largely more intimidating.
Dipper had no clue what their intentions were, but if any of them knew anything about Wild Eyes Joe, he figured it could serve as useful information.
"Uhh… yeah," he nodded hesitantly. "D-Do you know something?"
One of the men at the table kicked his feet up relaxingly with a curious smirk as he looked at him. "I might." He gestured toward an open chair at the table. "Have a seat."
Both of the twins were reluctant, especially with how intense the eyes laid upon them were. But still, they remained curious about the potential lead.
As such, Dipper made his way over to the empty chair and sat down. Mabel followed behind, standing up from her previous table to stand right over her brother's shoulder since there was no open seat for her. Both of them fixed their eyes specifically on the relaxed man who first spoke to them.
"So, uhh… what do you know?" Dipper asked.
The man glanced between the two unusually. "Y'all two don't look like you're from 'round these parts."
"Well, uh, you'd be right," Dipper nodded. "We're from out of town."
"Waaaaay outta town," Mabel emphasized.
"I see," the man said, leaning over the table with greater intent. "Well then, why on Earth would either of y'all want anything to do with Wild Eyes Joe? You know how many people he's kidnapped, robbed, and shot? Is stupid a disease where y'all are from?"
"To an extent," Mabel said.
"Look, man, we're searching for a friend of ours, and we have reason to believe that Wild Eyes Joe might've done something with him," Dipper explained while raising his hands innocently. "We just wanna know where our friend is so we can get him back. That's all."
The man raised an eyebrow with growing curiosity. "Okay, and who exactly is this friend of yours?"
"His name is Blendin!" Mabel said.
"Blake," Dipper quietly reminded.
"Did I say Blendin? I meant Blake!" Mabel quickly corrected.
The man's eyes lit up. "Blake? The pocket watch guy?"
He broke out laughing at the realization, which soon caused an eruption of other laughs from the rest of the men at the table. As they chortled and cackled together, Dipper and Mabel slowly joined in with their own awkward laughter while glancing at one another somewhat nervously.
The man soon wiped a tear of amusement from his eye as his laughter calmed down. "Hell, I'd be surprised if that Wild Eyes Joe ain't already went and shot him dead after all he's done!"
His words suddenly shifted the tone of the conversation for the twins, whose eyes quickly widened in response.
"W-What did he do?" Mabel nervously asked.
"Joe came into the repair shop to get a valuable ol' watch fixed," the man began. "Rare gold beauty he stole that he was gonna try and sell once he got it working again. Only your friend ended up breaking it even more and tried to pass off a fake one as the real deal!"
"Yeah… sounds like Blendin alright," Dipper said under his breath.
"When Joe found out, he was furious!" the man continued. "So he and his gang rolled up on the store and nabbed Blake while flipping over the shop to find the real watch. After that, they took him back to Calamity, where I'm sure Joe is making a real mess of him right now."
Despite how bad the imagery was in his head, Dipper wasn't quick to fold to the man's words and just glared at him skeptically.
"And how do you know this?" he asked.
The man grinned. "Because I'm in Joe's gang. All of us are."
With this reveal, all of the other men at that table suddenly began to scowl and grumble at the twins while inching closer toward them threateningly, much to their growing anxiety.
"You know, I was starting to feel the looming sense of danger…" Mabel said.
"Yeah, sorry to say, but you ain't getting your friend back," the man said while reaching a hand to his side. "And you probably ain't gonna leave this saloon alive either."
From under the table, the man subtly pulled out his revolver and aimed right across at Dipper, cocking the hammer readily. Dipper sat completely frozen in his seat, not moving anything except for his eyes, which were desperately searching for any possible escape at that moment to no avail.
"Mabel, we need a way out now," he told her quietly.
"I got this," she quietly replied.
From the table, she swiftly grabbed an empty glass bottle and smashed it right against the back of the head of the gang member who stood beside her, knocking him out and dropping him to the floor instantly. She cupped her hands around her mouth.
"BAR FIIIIIGHT!" she shouted.
Immediately after, she dove onto the saloon floorboards while pulling Dipper down with her. And with her call, various saloon patrons rose from their seats and broke into a series of fights without any hesitation whatsoever.
Various men engaged in violent fist-fights, to which they began punching and choking one another out. Some also broke their glass bottles on each other's heads. One man in a corner even pinned another man to a wall and started slapping him in the face relentlessly. One very large man also threw a much smaller man out another window, smashing the glass of that one as well.
Wild Eyes Joe's gang members at the table joined in on the fights. However, for whatever reason, they started beating up each other rather than other random patrons outside their gang. The man who had his gun pointed at Dipper specifically had a wooden chair smashed against his head by a fellow gang member, knocking him out cold.
Behind the bar, Thompson sat on the ground, cowering and shaking in fear as he held his arms around his head. For a moment, he eventually peeked his head out just enough to be able to spectate all of the fighting, much to his horror.
"No, no! Not again! NOT AGAIN!" he cried out.
Throughout all the ongoing fights, the lone cow that had been brought inside continued to stand by casually, completely unaffected by any of the surrounding chaos that continued to ensue. Even while its apparent owner was getting choked out on the table right next to it.
After a moment, Dipper and Mabel soon emerged from underneath one of the tables and began slowly making their way toward the exit while keeping their heads close to the ground to avoid getting pulled into any of the fights. And through every fight in the saloon, the piano player in the back corner just continued to jam out even more enthusiastically than he had before.
Upon reaching the saloon doors, Dipper and Mabel soon pushed through and ran back outside, each of them grabbing onto their knees as they panted away the high stakes of their former situation.
"Wow, that was a close one…" Dipper said amidst his panting.
"You know… sometimes violence is the best solution!" Mabel concluded.
Dipper smirked. "You got that from Stan, didn't you?"
"Is that really a question?"
"Hands where I can see 'em!" another voice entered.
Dipper and Mabel's hands immediately shot up anxiously at the demand as they soon realized that right in front of them was an armed man who aimed a six-shooter back and forth between them. Upon scanning his outfit, the two were able to quickly deduce it was a lawman based on the more professional and suited-up uniform alongside the star badge pinned to his vest.
"That's right! Keep 'em up!" the lawman demanded. "As deputy of Gravity Falls, I'm hereby placing you two under arrest for disturbin' the peace!"
While keeping his hands raised, Dipper glanced over at Mabel. "And what would Stan do in this situation?"
Mabel gave the question some thought for a moment until her face suddenly lit up.
"I know! He'd try to run away!" she suggested, putting her hands down as she prepared to bolt off. "C'mon, Dippity! Let's make a break for it!"
SLAM!
The cell doors slammed shut right in front of Dipper and Mabel, locking them firmly behind the metal bars of the sheriff's office jail.
Mabel looked to the side guiltily. "Well, that didn't go as planned…"
"Mabel, you tripped and fell on your face on your first step," Dipper reminded while glaring at her.
"Well, sorry! Cowboy boots aren't exactly the easiest to run in!" she said defensively. "They're almost as bad as high heels. Almost."
"Ha! Ain't this somethin'?" the deputy cackled from a chair beside the office's front door. "I caught not just one, but two lawbreakers today! Sheriff Dead-Eye is gonna be so pleased!"
"Sheriff Dead-Eye?" Mabel repeated, raising an eyebrow.
"What is it with people in the Old West coming up with nicknames with 'eye' or 'eyes'? Why is that the trend?" Dipper asked.
"Yeah, I was about to say - kiiiiind of unoriginal," Mabel agreed.
"You shut yer mouth, missy!" the deputy barked. "Sheriff Dead-Eye is one of the toughest, fiercest, most respectable lawmen in the whole county! And when he gets back, you two are in for a world of trouble!"
Clink. Clink. Clink.
The sound of spurs clinking paired with heavy footsteps was heard just outside the office. The deputy's eyes turned to the front door as he rose from his seat. A grin formed as he looked back at the twins.
"Speak of the devil… Sounds like that's him right now," he said with growing excitement.
The twins exchanged fearful looks with one another as the clinking heavy footsteps were heard getting closer and closer. A large shadow soon began to form over the pouring daylight from the front door as the figure drew near.
Soon enough, there he was. Standing right at the doorway was a very large and bulky man who towered over everyone in the room, including the deputy. He wore an all-black uniform that consisted of slacks, boots, a vest, a belt, and a long trenchcoat over all of it. On his head sat a black hat, of course, and he had the sheriff's badge on his vest.
As the twins looked up at him, however, their fear was replaced with surprised confusion as yet another resemblance took over in their minds. The sheriff had long brown hair along with a mustache and a beard that was also long and full. Most particularly, the sheriff wore an eyepatch over his right eye. If it weren't for his normal left eye throwing them off for a moment, the twins would have had almost no problem recognizing him immediately.
"Wait, Ghost-Eyes used to be the sheriff?" Mabel questioned.
"The irony is not lost on me," Dipper said while looking up at the sheriff with slight amazement at the realization.
"Sheriff Dead-Eye!" the deputy gleefully greeted. "It's good to see you again! How was your mighty voyage across town?"
"I just went out for lunch, Deputy," Sheriff Dead-Eye casually replied.
"And was it delectable?" the deputy asked with a wide smile.
Dead-Eye gave him a weird look. "Why do you always ask me this? I had canned beans and offal as usual."
"It must've been awful then, ehhh?" Mabel called out to him from the cell.
"Absolutely," Sheriff Dead-Eye nodded at her before turning back to the deputy. "Deputy Doohickey, who are these two?"
"Just a couple of ragin' low-lives I wrangled by the saloon!" Doohickey replied.
"Hey! We may be low-lives, but we weren't doing no raging!" Mabel said defensively.
"Wait, his last name is Doohickey?" Dipper questioned, raising an eyebrow as he looked over at the deputy.
"What did they do?" Sheriff Dead-Eye asked the deputy.
"The most heinous of crimes, Sheriff…" Doohickey said, shaking his head. "...Disturbin' the peace!"
Dead-Eye stared at him for a good moment before sighing with great annoyance. "I hate you... so much."
"W-Wha…?" Doohickey stuttered in confusion. "B-But they caused a bar fight!"
"Do you know how much paperwork I gotta fill out for every sack of crap you throw in my cell?" Dead-Eye asked. "And you're telling me we're having a day so slow, you went and picked out two kids goofing about the saloon?"
"I-I was just tryna impress you!" Doohickey told him innocently.
"Yeah, well, you impress me every day with how dumb you are!" Dead-Eye berated. "Now get outta here! Go hit on a school teacher or… or wrestle in the pig pen or something!"
Deputy Doohickey stood by with his lip quivering sadly as though he had just had his heart ripped out and shredded by his idol. As such, his body simply slumped forward as he shamefully walked out the front door without looking back.
Sheriff Dead-Eye facepalmed as he let out another sigh. "This… this is what my life has come to."
"Hey, Sheriff Ghost-Eyes!" Mabel called out from behind.
"Huh?" he questioned as he turned around, looking back at the twins through the cell.
"Yeah, uh, over here!" Mabel called again, waving her hand between the cell bars. "Since you're done verbally assaulting your deputy there, you think you could do us a favor and just let us go? I mean, we did a bad thing, but we're not really thaaat bad, you feel me?"
Dead-Eye narrowed his eye as he approached the cell. "Watch it, girly! You're in no position to be making demands!" he warned. "Also, the name's Sheriff Dead-Eye to you! You see me? With my one eyepatch? Do you know what that means?"
"Uhhh… you lost an eye?" Mabel guessed.
Dead-Eye's angry face suddenly went surprised. "Damn, is it that obvious?"
"What else would you wear the eyepatch for?" Dipper asked.
"I don't know. Style, maybe?"
"Well, are you wearing it for style?"
Dead-Eye looked down sadly. "No… I lost my eye."
The twins watched as he slumped his own body forward unhappily and began trudging his way toward the seat by the front door, sitting down and letting out another depressed sigh.
"The events of my life are nothing but a tragedy," he claimed as he tucked his face in his hands.
"How could you say that when you're the sheriff of Gravity Falls?" Mabel asked. "You're basically the town hero!"
"No, no!" Dead-Eye refused. "Please. Don't remind me."
Dipper raised an eyebrow. "Hang on. Do you even want to be a sheriff?"
Dead-Eye shrugged. "Ehhh, not really. This was just the closest I could get to fulfilling my life's dream."
Mabel gasped. "You had a dream?"
"I did once," Dead-Eye nodded. "I wanted to become the biggest, baddest gunslinging outlaw in the whole West! I was SO set on doing it for so long. I became the biggest. Then I became the baddest! And when I finally had the money, I bought my first gun. I was ready to master my skills. I even told my mother, but she kept saying, 'ohHhHhhhhHHHh! You'll shoot your eye out! oH nOOooOOOoOoOO!'"
A silence ensued.
"Anyway, I shot my eye out," he continued. "Now I'm just a lame sheriff instead."
Dipper stared at Dead-Eye for a moment. "I feel like we skipped over a lot of details there."
"But if you hate being a sheriff so bad, why don't you just quit?" Mabel asked.
"Because I ain't no quitter either!" Dead-Eye stated aggressively. "However, I did try getting fired once. One day, I ran someone over with my horse for no good reason. I thought I'd be relieved of my duties for attempted homicide. But then I found out the man I ran over actually robbed some rich old lady about five seconds beforehand, and so I was recognized as a town hero instead. They even made a town holiday after me called Dead-Eye Day, where everyone wears an eyepatch in my honor. I've never felt so insulted."
"Oh… I've heard of that holiday," Dipper realized as he turned to Mabel. "I think it's still celebrated back in our present."
"Yikes. Not the town's best look…" Mabel said, cringing at the thought.
"But yeah, that's my life," Dead-Eye concluded. "I wanted to become the baddest outlaw of the land and somehow I became the sheriff instead. How does that happen? Seriously, how does that happen? I don't even remember how I got this job!"
"But what's so bad about being a hero?" Mabel asked. "Isn't it nice to be recognized for doing good things?"
"NO!" Dead-Eye shouted, immediately shaking his head. "I didn't ask to be no hero! I wanted to be on Wanted posters and hold my own against the lawmen of the county! That was my dream! That was my destiny! But it was squandered. So now, I end up taking most of my spiteful anger out on my deputy as consolation. It's unnecessary and frankly unhealthy, but it helps. God, it helps…"
He rose from his chair and made his way back behind the office desk that sat across from the twins' cell. Sitting down, he pulled a stack of papers in front of him as he grabbed a pen from the side.
"Anyway, it was nice venting to you two, but I gotta start writing governmental paperwork to turn y'all in so they can… I don't know… hang you or something," he said casually as he began writing on a document.
"Over a bar fight?!" Dipper questioned fearfully as he gripped his cell bars tightly.
"Sheriff Dead-Eye, please!" Mabel begged just as fearfully. "You don't even want to fill out that paperwork!"
"I don't. But today's been slow, and I still gotta fill my quota for some type of sheriff duty," Dead-Eye explained. "It's how I get paid. Probably."
Dipper turned away from the cell bars to think for a moment. Soon, an idea sprang to mind that brought a smile to his face.
"Well, why bother turning us in when you could get someone who's more worth your time?" he suggested.
"Yeah, like Wild Eyes Joe!" Mabel added as she caught onto his idea.
"Wild Eyes Joe?" Dead-Eye repeated, looking up at them. "Hah! Yeah, right! I ain't stepping foot anywhere near whatever cesspool Calamity's become."
"What's Calamity?" Mabel asked.
"Calamity Junction. That's where Joe and his gang hide out, and it falls right outside my jurisdiction. Therefore, I got no business cleaning up his mess or any of the town's other messes."
"Well, surely, there's a sheriff who does have some sort of control over what goes on there," Dipper said.
"Pfft! Not anymore there ain't."
"What?!" Dipper questioned. "How is that possible?"
"Calamity Junction is bandit country now, kid," Dead-Eye told him. "Back in its heyday, it was actually a fine town. That was until folks like Wild Eyes Joe and his gang of outlaws came in and turned the whole place into a paradise for murderous thieves. And ain't no lawman crazy enough to try and step in to maintain any sort of law in that damned place."
"No lawman… except youuuu…?" Mabel suggested hopefully. "Maybeeee…?"
"No way!" Dead-Eye shook his head. "What makes you think I want anything to do with that town? In fact, why are you two so interested in Wild Eyes Joe to begin with?"
"A good friend of ours was taken by Joe and his gang," Dipper said.
"Yeah, the local pocket watch guy!" Mabel added.
"Blake?" Dead-Eye realized. "You're friends with that stammering fool? How the hell does anyone tolerate that yapper's voice? Some days I've had to fight the urge to shoot him just so I don't gotta listen to him."
"Yeah, you kind of get used to it," Mabel admitted. "But the point is - he's been kidnapped, and we need to save him. If he's in Calamity Junction, maybe you could help us!"
"I already told you, that town's out of my jurisdiction."
"But Wild Eyes Joe took a local! Surely that concerns you in some way!" Dipper pressed.
"Kidnappings happen all the time," Dead-Eye dismissed. "Most of these fools end up going outside county lines to avoid getting tailed. Little I can do at that point."
"Are you serious?!" Dipper questioned with growing anger.
"So you just let these people get taken away and don't do anything about it?" Mabel asked, floored by his reasoning. "Some hero you are!"
"I already told you - I ain't no hero!" Dead-Eye insisted. "I didn't ask for any of this! I was supposed to be the biggest, baddest outlaw there ever was. No one would even be talking about Wild Eyes Joe if I had it my way! And I wouldn't be stuck here filling out stupid paperwork either!"
Dipper and Mabel continued to look on at him frustratedly for a good moment. But upon thinking over his words, the same idea formed in each of their heads. They grinned at one another for a moment, acknowledging their shared idea before turning back toward Sheriff Dead-Eye.
"Well, that's a shame…" Dipper began with a seemingly defeated tone of voice. "I guess that just means Wild Eyes Joe is the biggest, baddest outlaw there ever was instead."
Dead-Eye scoffed. "Please. He's not even that big…"
"Well, he sure is bad," Mabel argued. "I mean, kidnapping people… robbing people… shooting people…"
"Yep. Sounds pretty bad indeed," Dipper nodded.
Dead-Eye narrowed his eyes. "I've seen worse."
"Hard to believe it," Mabel taunted.
"I mean, looking at you, I thought maybe you had what it takes to bring him down," Dipper continued. "You even said you became the baddest, but as long as Joe's running out there, you'll always be outclassed."
Dead-Eye gripped his pencil tightly as he began gritting his teeth together. "That's… not… how this works…"
"Oh, well. That's too bad," Mabel remarked with a smirk. "I'm talking about Wild Eyes Joe. Not you, of course..."
"ENOUGH!" Dead-Eye screamed as he shot up from his desk and marched up to the cell bars angrily. "I AM BAD!"
"You ain't bad! You ain't nothing!" Mabel exclaimed while pointing a finger in his face.
"WILD EYES JOE AIN'T NOTHING!" Dead-Eye argued. "HE'S A PATHETIC WANNABE LIKE THE REST OF THEM! I CAN SHOOT HIM FROM EIGHTY PACES WITH MY ONE EYE CLOSED ANYTIME I WANT!"
"Can you?" Dipper asked doubtfully.
"I can," Dead-Eye growled.
"Then do it," Mabel challenged.
Dead-Eye began to shake violently as his anger peaked. "I will. I will! I'll KILL him! I'LL FREAKIN' KILL HIIIIIIM!"
Without hesitation or restraint, Dead-Eye went right ahead and gripped two cell bars. With all of his strength, he pulled on them as he roared ferociously, causing the twins to flinch in surprise.
Rather than bending the bars open or even pulling the two individual bars off, Dead-Eye's strength somehow managed to pull off the entire set of cell bars while ripping apart the wood the bars attached to on the ceiling and the floor. With the jail's entire set of bars in hand, he tossed them to the side, smashing the other half of the room completely.
Dipper and Mabel simply stared up at him in extreme shock at his unexpectedly insane strength. A vein could be seen throbbing in his forehead as he just huffed violently while intensely eyeballing both of them.
"Let's go save your friend…" he finally said through his heavy breathing.
From the sheriff's office, Dipper, Mabel, and Sheriff Dead-Eye had made their way over to the local train station, where they hopped on the first train to Calamity Junction alongside a sizeable group of other Gravity Falls passengers.
As they rode the train, they traveled southbound, cutting out of the greener foresty hills of Gravity Falls and slowly into the north end of the Oregon High Desert. The window view included lessening trees as drier, dustier desert valleys started to take their place as the ride progressed.
"Nothing says the Old West like traveling through the desert by a good old-fashioned steam train," Dipper claimed as he stared out the train window in awe.
Mabel wasn't quite as awestruck by the view as she sat beside him with her arms folded somewhat grumpily.
"I wanted to travel by horse…" she moped as she looked to the side disappointedly.
"Traveling by horse to Calamity Junction would take all day," Dead-Eye said from the seat right in front of them. "By train, we'll be there within the hour."
"I don't care how long it takes!" Mabel asserted. "Heck, the longer the better! I sure ain't complaining about being around horses as long as I'm here."
"Kid, you act like you've never been around a horse before in your life," Dead-Eye said before scratching his head curiously as he turned back in his seat toward the two. "Say, as a matter of, where are you two from again?"
"Canada," Dipper answered.
"California," Mabel answered at the same time.
The two exchanged glances for a brief second.
"Canafornia," Dipper settled.
Dead-Eye looked at the two weirdly for a moment. "Never heard of it."
"It's, uh… new. It just opened up," Dipper claimed.
"Yeah, right next to Caliada!" Mabel added, only for Dipper to moderately elbow her in the arm.
"Hmm…" Dead-Eye said as he continued to glare at the two somewhat suspiciously. "You know, actually, I think my fifth cousin lives in Caliada." He suddenly frowned. "Man, I hate that guy."
After staring off into space for a brief moment, he eventually turned back ahead in his seat, much to the twins' relief.
Mabel turned to Dipper somewhat worriedly. "Dipper, you don't think Wild Eyes Joe has already done anything bad to Blendin, do you? That gang member did say he might've made a mess of him by now."
"I don't know. I hope not," he said, shaking his head. "But I mean… maybe we don't have too much to worry about. Blendin's a strong guy, isn't he?"
"Ehhhhhh…"
"Yeah, you're right. Was trying to give the guy an ounce of credit, but… man, it's hard," Dipper admitted.
"Well, he is from the far future. Surely that means they can fix him up easier, doesn't it? Ya know… if something bad does happen?" Mabel suggested.
"Yeah! Surely they must be capable of… reversing bloody pulps by then, right?"
"Absolutely! Without a doubt!" Mabel confidently nodded.
A silence ensued as the two stared at the back of the seat in front of them for a moment. As their thoughts continued to weigh down on them, their confident smiles slowly faded.
"They didn't say we had to bring Blendin in alive, did they?" Mabel suddenly asked.
"Everybody listen up! This is a robbery!"
Dipper and Mabel looked up in their seats toward the front of the train car. In the middle of the aisle stood a short, chubby boy wearing a gunslinger's outfit consisting of a brown coat, black vest, brown pants, dark brown boots, and a brown cowboy hat on top. He had light brown hair that lay under his hat along with pale skin. Over his mouth and nose, he wore a baby blue bandana.
And if his appearance didn't give it away, his youthful folksy voice did.
"Y'all fellers best keep yourselves calm now," the boy said as he aimed a six-shooter in one hand while holding an empty bag in the other. "If any of y'all move, you best be prepared to face the wrath of Big Giddy and his widdle ol' friend."
Dead-Eye's eye widened. "Oh, crap! It's Big Giddy! My sworn enemy!"
"Wait… Gideon?!" Dipper realized as he looked at the boy in shock. "And he has…"
"...a normal hair color!" Mabel finished.
"Well, I was gonna say a gun, but… actually, yeah, somehow the hair's more shocking," Dipper nodded in agreement.
Big Giddy began walking through the aisle, holding his bag out to every set of innocent passengers he passed. Fearfully, many of them tossed their valuables into his bag. Many even took off their necklaces, rings, and other jewelry and gave them up right away.
"That's right! Give me everything you got!" Big Giddy demanded. "Money, valuables… if any of y'all wanna donate some dried fruit, that'd be real nice too. I'm quite famished right now."
"How exactly does someone like him become a feared outlaw?" Mabel asked. "He's literally a child!"
"He's a child with a gun!" Dead-Eye reminded. "How exactly do you win against that?"
Big Giddy stopped in front of a short passenger sitting alone in his seat. The passenger turned away from Giddy, folding his arms and refusing to acknowledge him.
"You! Ugly man!" Giddy shouted impatiently. "Money in the bag! I don't have all day!"
The passenger shared a very strong resemblance to Toby Determined, looking practically identical save for a more old-timey outfit.
"You'll never get a cent out of me, Big Giddy!" he fearlessly told him.
Gideon gave him a sinister grin as he held his money bag away. "Wooooo-we! You must think you're a brave one, don't ya?"
"My mom sure thinks so!" Toby said.
"Well, just how many holes does your mother like in her son's head?" Giddy asked as he held the barrel of his gun up to the middle of Toby's forehead.
"BIG GIDDY!"
Big Giddy looked up and immediately caught the eye of Dead-Eye, who made himself known from his seat a bit further down the aisle.
"My-oh-my. If it ain't Sheriff Dead-Eye," Giddy said with a grin. "It's been a while since our last encounter. How have you been? Still saving ladies from train tracks?"
"Put the gun down, Giddy," Dead-Eye ordered, narrowing his eye.
"Still the heroic diplomat you was when we last met, huh?" Giddy said with great amusement. "You know, I thought I recalled you saying you were trying to be the baddest outlaw in the West. And yet here you are - still a humble sheriff in the flesh."
"I am the baddest in the West…" Dead-Eye claimed. "I just got no business with you today, Giddy. Wild Eyes Joe is my only concern right now. You're just a lil' pest getting in my way."
Giddy's eyes widened. "Wild Eyes…? What interest is he to a Gravity Falls local like you?
"That's none of your business," Dead-Eye dismissed. "Now drop the gun. Or else…"
With a smirk, Giddy pointed his gun up at Dead-Eye. "Or else what, hero?"
Dead-Eye clenched his fists angrily. "I ain't… no… HEROOOOO!"
From under his trench coat, Dead-Eye quickly drew out two revolvers and pointed them in Big Giddy's direction, much to his immediate surprise. As Dead-Eye opened fire, Giddy dove across the train's aisle over to the other side, avoiding every single shot.
With shots fired, passengers throughout the car screamed as they lowered their heads, hiding within their seats. Dipper and Mabel followed suit, diving immediately onto the ground and taking cover behind the seat ahead.
Dead-Eye continued to fire both of his revolvers in Giddy's direction, moving across the aisle as he did so. All of his bullets just flew past or struck Giddy's seat instead. As he ducked down to reload both guns, Giddy popped his head out and began to fire back in Dead-Eye's direction, but didn't land his shots any better.
The two would continue to go back and forth between ducking behind their seats and taking aimless shots in each other's direction, hoping to land one eventually.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Dipper and Mabel continued to just hang back behind their seats while pressing their hands against their ears, shielding their hearing as best they could from the loud surrounding gunshots. They looked at one another anxiously as they both started to wonder just what led them to their current situation in the first place.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Dipper shouted.
"I HAVE NO IDEA!" Mabel shouted back, shaking her head fearfully. "I WANNA GO HOME! I MISS STAN! I MISS FORD!"
"ME TOO!" Dipper nodded. "WHATEVER THEY'RE DOING RIGHT NOW HAS TO BE BETTER THAN THIS!"
[Present]
Back in Dipper and Mabel's room, their doorway still hung open. Although no one was in the room, voices from downstairs still made their way far enough to be heard. Along with those voices were other sounds, such as the rapid thumps of stomping against the floorboards.
"There are too many, Stanley!" Ford's voice shouted.
"Just keep stomping on them! They have to stop eventually!" Stan's voice shouted amidst the ongoing thumping.
After a moment, the front door opened below.
"Hey, Stan bros!" Soos' voice greeted. "I just got back from the stor- HOLY MOLEY! WHY ARE THERE ANTS EVERYWHERE?!"
"SOOS! Where do you keep the spray?!" Stan shouted.
"What spray?!"
"THE BUG SPRAY!" Stan and Ford's voices shouted in unison.
"I don't have any bug spray!"
"WHAT?!" Stan questioned.
"That's it! I'm using the flamethrower!" Ford announced.
"Ford, wait, NOOOOOOOOO!"
FWOOOOOSH!
A bright orange light from downstairs made its way far enough to be briefly seen just outside the bedroom doorway as the sound of flames powerfully expelling inside the house echoed through the halls.
Soon enough, the light went away, and a silence began.
"Hey, wait… it's working!" Stan said with a growing excitement. "It's actually working!"
"I don't know about that, dudes…" Soos said.
"Wait a minute… are they still MOVING?!" Ford asked.
"AAAH!" Stan screamed. "THEY'RE CRAWLING UP MY LEG! THEY'RE ON FIRE AND THEY'RE CRAWLING UP MY LEG!"
"OW! They're biting ME now!" Soos shouted. "I haven't even done anything!"
"GOOD GOD, WHY AREN'T THEY DYING?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!" Ford asked.
"THEY'RE CRAWLING ON MY FACE NOW! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Stan screamed painfully.
"HANG ON, STANLEY! I'LL GET THE LASER CANNON!"
"THE HORRORS I AM WITNESSING RIGHT NOW ARE INDESCRIBABLE!" Soos screamed. "SERIOUSLY, THIS SITUATION LITERALLY CANNOT BE DESCRIBED! NOT EVEN IN WRITING! ANYONE NOT HERE IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW WOULD HAVE TO JUST… I DON'T KNOW… IMAGINE WHAT ALL OF THIS LOOKS LIKE IN THEIR HEADS OR SOMETHING!"
For a moment, all that could be heard was the sound of Stan's pained screams from below.
Eventually, Soos chuckled. "Heh, imagine being subjected to THAT reality!"
[1883]
Sheriff Dead-Eye continued to take cover behind his seat while Big Giddy shot his revolver numerous times in his direction. Taking a brief peek behind the seat for half a second, he made his move, standing up and pointing one of his revolvers at him again.
BANG!
The bullet shot right above Giddy's head, hitting his hat and sending it flying off of his head as it punctured the middle of it.
"MY HAT!" Giddy cried out, patting his head down frantically.
"HA! And I hit that with just one eye!" Dead-Eye gloated.
Giddy raised his gun back up and opened fire once again before Dead-Eye could gloat further. As his initial shots missed, Dead-Eye quickly ducked back down behind cover again.
He popped open both of his revolvers' empty cylinders to reload them. However, as he reached to grab more bullets, he only felt the bottom of his pocket. As he quickly patted himself down and felt through the rest of his pockets, he realized that the last bullets he fired were the last ones he even had.
"Uh oh…" Dead-Eye said somewhat worriedly.
A boot soon stomped down right in front of him in the middle of the aisle. Looking up, he realized it was Big Giddy, who had finally moved up to his position with his weapon in one hand and his hat in the other with his eyes narrowed furiously.
"Now, Dead-Eye… you can't just put a hole in a man's hat and expect to live afterward," Giddy said as he put his hat back on his head, now sporting a fresh bullet hole in the center of it.
Dead-Eye smirked. "Wouldn't be the first time I did."
"Well, then this will certainly be the LAST!" Giddy squealed as he pressed the gun's barrel against Dead-Eyes's forehead.
"Gideon, stop!" Dipper shouted.
"Leave him alone!" Mabel demanded.
Giddy stopped and turned around, still keeping the gun held to Dead-Eyes's head. As he looked behind him though, he spotted Dipper and Mabel still crouched together on the ground beside their seat where they had been taking cover previously. The two of them looked up intensively at Giddy, who just raised an eyebrow in slight confusion.
"And who are these fellers? Your friends?" he asked, glancing at Dead-Eye for a moment. "What kind of friends are these? Some scruffy-haired boy and…?"
Giddy's eyes shot open widely as they trailed from Dipper to Mabel. As he focused on her, his perception of reality warped as she suddenly became the center of his attention and the only other person in the room to him. His eyes began to sparkle as his cheeks began to flush pink while his jaw slowly hung open with captivation.
"…an angel…" he whispered to himself.
Mabel soon caught notice of his staring and creepy whispering, which filled her with immediate exasperation as she realized what was going on now.
"Oh, brother…" she said with an eye roll.
Amidst Giddy's fixation on her, Dead-Eye soon stood up behind him and grabbed him by the back of his shirt collar. Suddenly pulled up into the air, Giddy quickly snapped out of it, but not before dropping his gun on the floor.
"AHA!" Dead-Eye shouted. "Got you now, Giddy!"
"Ah! Dang you, Sheriff! Dang you!" Giddy screamed as he helplessly dangled and kicked his feet around in Dead-Eye's one-handed grasp.
"Not so big now, are ya?" Dead-Eye taunted. "In fact, you were never all that big to begin with! They shoulda called you… Lil' Giddy!"
Everyone on the train, including Giddy, sat in unamused silence as the joke settled in. All the while Dead-Eye continued to stand tall with a smug smile that maintained the entire time.
"Yep, I'm proud of that," he claimed shamelessly.
"You've made that same joke the last sixteen times we've fought. It's old," Giddy annoyedly reminded.
"Not to me, it ain't!"
With Giddy disarmed and apprehended, Dipper and Mabel rose back to their feet. All of the other train passengers soon began to rise back up as well as their safety became apparent once more.
However, Dipper looked back outside at the moving desert views as the train kept chugging along and raised an eyebrow curiously.
"Wait, why is this train still moving?" he asked. "Did the conductor not hear any of that gunfire?"
Giddy grinned sinisterly. "Heeheeheeheehee…"
The twins and Dead-Eye turned their attention to Giddy as he began giggling profusely. Concern began to grow the longer he went on.
"Giddy… what did you do to the conductor?" Dead-Eye asked.
As Giddy's giggling settled down, he soon looked Dead-Eye back in the eye with a wide demented smile.
"I think the better question to be askin' is - what conductor?"
The twins and Dead-Eye gasped at his immediate implication.
To confirm their suspicions, Dipper and Mabel looked around the train car and spotted a ladder at the front that led up to the emergency exit hatch. Dipper took the lead and ran over to it, climbing up the ladder and pushing the hatch open.
The two climbed up to the top of the train car, exposing themselves to the rushing winds that hit them at the train's speed. They ran toward the front engine, hopping the gaps between each car as they went along.
Soon, they reached the last main supply car before the coal car, which was right behind the steam engine. From where they stood, the two could see the train's controls, but nowhere in sight was there a conductor.
Mabel then looked ahead of the train itself, eyes suddenly lighting up. "Dipper, look!"
He looked where she pointed ahead, only to realize the same thing she did. The train tracks a few miles ahead were about to pass over a canyon. However, the tracks that ran over the canyon were partially destroyed in the middle of it with lingering smoke dissipating overhead.
"The tracks were blown!" Dipper realized. "Gideon must've destroyed them earlier! This train is going to go off the rails!"
"What do we do? There are so many people still on board!" Mabel reminded.
Dipper pondered ideas in his head for a moment. "I'll… I'll try to stop it! You head back inside and tell everyone to hang on!"
Mabel nodded at the plan set forth and ran back among the train cars to head to the passenger car. As she did so, Dipper continued running toward the front of the train, jumping onto the coal car and trudging his feet slowly through the giant lumps of coal meant to fuel the train. He tripped on the edge of it as he reached the front, sliding down on his backside until he landed right in front of the train controls.
He stood back up and looked around at all the controls as he approached them. His stomach dropped at the sight of all the various old-timey gauges and switches- none of which had any indicators that told him what they were. In the present, he knew train brakes would've made themselves known. But in 1883, there were at least ten different levers or handles that looked like they could've been brakes to him.
Given the situation, it was likely the worst time to start experimenting with which did what given how close they were getting to plummeting into a canyon. At the same time, he wasn't left with an abundance of other options.
Even with how foreign all of the old controls looked to him, he figured there had to be a sense of logic to how it all worked that still applied in some manner to modern vehicular iterations. So using what knowledge he already had, he glanced around at where the levers and switches led and started to connect the dots and fill in the gaps mentally.
As such, he gravitated toward a large lever that leaned forward.
"Guess we'll try this," he said as he put both hands on the lever and pulled back on it.
Back in the train's passenger car, Mabel jumped back down from the emergency exit, rushing toward the center of the aisle in front of all the anxious passengers.
"Alright, everyone!" she announced. "I'm gonna need all of you to sit your butts down and hold on tight before this really becomes a pain train for every one of y'all!"
"Are we gonna diiiie?" Toby asked nervously. "I hope not! I have so much to live for!"
"I don't know about that one, mister," Mabel said, shaking her head at him. "But worry not! My partner, Dippity, is going to stop the train. Any moment now we should be slowing dow- OH GOD!"
As she spoke, the train's speed hit a sudden reduction that sent her falling backward and nearly every passenger falling forward in their seats. People screamed in terror as a result, gripping whatever they could around them and holding on for their lives.
The only one who continued to stand was Sheriff Dead-Eye, who somehow withstood the effect of the train's sudden slow down and continued to stand perfectly upright as if his feet were nailed down to the floor. Even Big Giddy, who was still being held up by his collar, noticed this and looked up at him in shock.
"What the…?! HOW are you doing that?!" he asked.
Dead-Eye raised an eyebrow. "Doing what?"
Despite the fearful commotion inside the train, it was still slowing down as the brakes continued to work. A high-pitched screeching from the rough grinding of metal parts together continued to get louder and more grating the slower the train got.
Back up front, Dipper was holding onto the train equipment to keep himself standing amidst the slowdown. As he continued peeking out ahead, his heart beat fast with how close they were to the canyon.
Luckily, the concern was minimized as the train soon stopped moving. A final burst of steam burst out, which signaled to Dipper and everyone else on board that the train had come to a stop.
Dipper hopped out of the front car onto the flat desert ground and slowly walked out to the side. Just ahead of the train was the start of the canyon bridge tracks, and less than a quarter of a mile away was where it had been blown up and where they would've met their end.
"Whew!" Dipper sighed with relief, falling to his rear as he examined his narrow success. "That… was close."
The passenger car soon began to vent out as passengers emerged through the front and back exits, hopping out to the side. Dipper got up to rejoin them, soon watching Mabel and Dead-Eye exit as well while Dead-Eye continued to hold Giddy up by his collar, to which he kept helplessly squirming around to no effect.
"Good job stopping the train, bro!" Mabel praised.
"Thanks," Dipper nodded, flicking his cowboy hat up. "Did everyone else make it out fine?"
A lone townsman suddenly came rushing out of the train and past the twins before retching off to the side, causing them to cringe in disgust.
"For better or worse!" Mabel remarked.
Sheriff Dead-Eye held Big Giddy at eye level and smirked at him. "Your plan failed, Giddy! You really thought you could rob this joint and then sneak off while leaving us to die, did ya?"
"I did," Giddy admitted without remorse. "I used dynamite to blow 'em tracks this morning ahead of the train schedule. I wasn't gonna let anyone I robbed on board live to tell the law about my crimes!"
"Damn, this Gideon sucks more than the one we had to deal with," Dipper said.
"I know, right?" Mabel nodded. "Crazy is truly generational, it seems."
"And to think I might've succeeded had my backup plan actually worked out," Giddy said, pouting.
"Wait... backup plan?" Dipper repeated.
"I lit a stick of dynamite and left it onboard to blow the whole passenger carriage and take the whole train along with it! But the dang thing took too long it seems," Giddy explained disappointedly.
Dipper gave him a look. "What do you mean by 'took too long'? Nothing ever blew up."
"Exactly. Fuse is probably still live in there. Was meant to give myself plenty of time to escape."
"What?!" Dipper, Mabel, and Dead-Eye shouted in unison.
Their eyes darted back toward the train, which luckily looked clear of passengers at that moment.
That was until a lone person was seen slowly rising inside by the window.
"Ughh… my head…" Toby groaned while holding onto the side of his aching head. "Well, at least I'm alive and the train has stopped! I am free to move forward and fulfill all of my life's dreeeeams!"
"TOBY!" Dipper and Mabel anxiously called out together.
"GET OFF THE TRAIN, MAN!" Dipper shouted.
Oblivious to the danger, Toby calmly attempted to leave the train. However, he started to grunt where he stood, looking as though he was trying to pull himself from his current position.
"Ah, phooey!" he moped with zero urgency. "It appears my foot is stuck and prefers to stay here!"
Dead-Eye suddenly rushed up to Mabel and forcefully handed Giddy over to her.
"ALL OF YOU GET BACK!" he commanded before running toward the train.
Giddy looked up at Mabel as she held him in her arms. He blushed happily. "My… I could get used to this."
Mabel shot him a look of disgust as she suddenly pulled her arms back, dropping him.
"REEEE!"
Plop!
"I said, GET BACK!" Dead-Eye suddenly commanded yet again as he stood by the train.
Dipper immediately grabbed Mabel's wrist and pulled her along as he ran back away from the train. "C'mon!"
Between the twins running back and Dead-Eye's loud command, the surrounding former train passengers joined in getting away from the train. As Giddy stood back on his feet, he dusted his outfit off before looking back at the others and following along as well.
Dead-Eye reboarded the train and sprinted his way toward Toby. He kneeled down and gripped his stuck foot, pulling it loose from a wedge in the wall that it had gotten caught within. As soon as he was freed, he scooped Toby in his giant arms and held him toward the window.
"GOT HIM!" he announced to the others.
"Quick, Sheriff Dead-Eye!" Dipper called out. "Get off the train before it-"
BOOM!
A violent explosion emerged from within the train car, blowing up the whole carriage and spreading immediately throughout the rest of the train until the whole thing was nothing but one giant fireball.
The twins, Giddy, and the surrounding passengers shielded themselves from the explosion with their arms. Though they were a safe distance away, they all instantly felt the wave of intense heat that rushed over them with the explosion. A level of that heat remained as they slowly looked back over at the train's remains, looking at each of the destroyed cars as they were coated in fires that puffed layers of thick, burning smoke into the air.
Everyone stood by staring at the remains in shock. Even Giddy looked surprised, staring into the flames with his mouth agape.
Of everyone though, the twins were most distraught. No figure seemed to emerge from the remains as the moment lingered, filling both of them with dread.
"SHERIFF DEAD-EYE!" they cried out.