Hermione groaned aloud, her head rolling back to smack the back of the chair. It was a bit harder than she expected, but she wasn't going to let that make her forget why she had exasperatedly rolled her neck.
"Are you kidding me?"
Kingsley smirked at her and Ron who had been doing the same but on the couch across from her. Harry was the most composed of the trio, but he was just staring out the window. He was not okay. Hermione knew it without needing to ask. It didn't help that Kingsley had such an irritating smile on his face, completely oblivious to the tension mounting in the room.
"It's just one night," Kingsley countered, "Just one night of grandeur to celebrate our freedom from tyranny."
Hermione shook her head. That was an oversimplification.
"One night where we get dressed up and remember what we're living for."
"Except you want to parade us around like the Ministry's show ponies as the poster children of the war."
Harry said it devoid of such emotion Hermione sat up, ready to move to him if need be. Even Ron had raised his head. The two shared a look before glancing at Harry, who was now looking at Kingsley.
The darker wizard sighed but didn't lose his smirk. "I can understand how you might see it that way. But, Harry, you three were the hope of the war. You must understand that. That so many people joined the Order for you, knowing you were fighting."
"You don't need to tell me," Harry ground out. He pointed a finger, first at Hermione, then to Ron, "You don't need to tell us anything like we don't already know. And that you have the audacity to say such a thing, Minister, says more about you than us." Turning away from him again, Harry crossed his arms over his chest. "Let us talk about it, and one of us will send you an owl."
Leaning back in her chair, Hermione nodded to Kingsley as the darker man inclined his head at her and Ron as he moved back towards the portrait hole.
They sat in relative silence for roughly three minutes before a clang sounded from Draco's room, followed by a muffled, "Merlin!"
Ron grumbled, Harry didn't move, and Hermione rolled her eyes, her head once more rolling back to his chair.
"Theodore Atticus Nott!"
Two sets of laughter.
"That is not my middle name!"
"She doesn't care about that," she heard Blaise grumble.
"Get out here, you nosey snakes," Ron bellowed.
"Don't be rude, Ronald."
"They listen to our conversation, and I'm the rude one?" He countered.
Huffing, she didn't reply; he had a point. Conceding to Ron, Hermione glanced over as Theo, Blaise, and Draco filed out of his room and began sitting in the empty spots around the room.
"Hello, show ponies," Blaise smirked.
"Fuck off, Zabini," Ron groaned.
Not to be detoured, he propped his feet onto the table and asked, "So are you going to do it?"
Harry cursed, "Yes." Hermione scoffed, and he turned to her. "We are."
"You just told the Minister for Magic to give you time to consider it, and you've already decided, for all of you?" Theo questioned.
Hermione ignored him, "You can go. I'll make my own decision, thank you."
"You'll go."
"You don't get to make that decision for me," she grumbled, looking towards the kitchen, the complete opposite direction of Harry.
"They're going to fight," Blaise whispered, "Get the whiskey."
Surprising the Silver Trio, Ron was the one who got up and moved to the kitchen only to return with five glasses and the fire whiskey. He poured a finger into each glass, sliding one to each of the Slytherins, but for Hermione, and leaving the fifth on the table. Moving, Harry snatched up the glass and downed it.
"We're going."
"Harry James Potter, you have no say in what I do or do not do," she responded lowly, still not looking at them.
"That's his middle name," Ron grumbled, making Theo laugh.
"We are doing this, Hermione."
"Damnit, Harry," Hermione stood up, "Write him, go ahead. But my answer is still no."
"Why?"
"Why do you need me to?" she countered.
"This is juicy," Blaise whispered.
Ignoring them, Harry stared at her. "Because I need my best friends."
"Oh, the kill shot," Theo narrated.
"T-That's," she huffed, "not fair." Her face crumbled just for a second before she fixed it. "I don't want to be paraded around with you and Ron for Kingsley and the rest of the Ministry to brag about what we did as if they gave us any support! All because we won by the skin of our teeth! Never mind everyone we lost or almost lost! He didn't mention any memorial. A memorial I can get behind, I could do a memorial for those we lost. But they just want to use us to boast!"
"I need you with us, Hermione."
Hermione felt her eyes well with tears and hated herself for it. She could hear the music box. Closing her eyes, she shut out all thoughts raging through her.
"When do I get to do something for me?" she whispered.
Now Harry looked pained. "Hermione.."
"I'll do it," she hated herself for how her voice cracked. "I'll do it-"
"Thank you," Harry cut her off.
She put a finger up to silence him. Snatching the bottle of whiskey, she took a long swig. "I'll do it but I'm not making a speech. I'm not writing a speech for either of you. I'm not wearing what they will inevitably ask us to wear. I'm not wearing gold. I'm going under the condition that they honor those we lost. This isn't just going to be a celebration! We need to remember who we lost to get where we are today. Get Kings to agree to that and I'll go."
Harry stepped closer to her but she kept her finger up, halting him, looking at Ron too, "And I'm not going to the Burrow for Easter Hols."
"What? Why?" Ron set down his glass and glared at her in shock.
"I'm going to visit my parents."
"Are you?" He shot back accusingly. "Last time you said that, you lied."
"You know what, no, I'm not. But that's my business and I need space for myself before we get dragged through the Ministry to push their agenda."
"Hermione," Ron softened, "You can do that around your family."
Taking another swig, Hermione gave Ron a scathing look.
"He's right, Hermione," Harry interjected, "We can help you."
"Do you remember moments ago when I asked, 'When do I get to do something for me'? Consider being alone for Easter, something I want to do for me."
"Why do you need to be alone?"
"Because Ronald, some people have their own coping mechanisms."
"Since when has being alone been yours?"
She scoffed, "Search your memory, Ronald. There is a history of it."
"And yours is to cry! Not sulk!"
"You don't get to judge me, Ronald. You slept with every witch in London to cope. Harry drowned at the bottom of a bottle for a month. Fred and George could barely leave one another's company until summer's end. Ginny fucked like a bunny with your best friend and mastered daredevil stunts on her broom. Molly baked so much to supply the newly populated orphanages and Hogwarts cleanup crew. Do I need to continue?"
"Don't bring me into this," Harry grumbled.
"It's been a year!"
"A year of me taking care of all of you!" She shrieked. "I took care of each and every one of you! Merlin forbid I need time for something!"
Slamming the bottle back on the table, she talked through the portrait hole to the Slytherin dorms. Before the door closed, Ron called after her, "Maybe you should let us be there for you for once."
Hermione paused, the music in her mind getting louder. "Sometimes people just need to be alone."
Closing the door, she heard what sounded like Harry punching Ron, "What is wrong with you?"
With the slam of the door echoing through the room, Theo whistled. "That was legendary."
"Oh fuck off," Ron grumbled.
"Do you always argue with such dramatics?" Blaise questioned, swirling his glass.
Harry nodded.
"Is there some significance to Easter?" Three of the room's occupants in the room froze at Theo's question. "Oh, there is."
"The Manor," Blaise whispered.
"How do you know about that?" Harry accused.
"I know things," Blaise shrugged.
Theo frowned around the room, "The Manor?" He looked at Draco, "Your Manor?"
"Not my story to tell," Draco huffed.
"It is if it was your Manor."
Draco rolled his eyes. He wanted to rage at Weasel, but after seeing Hermione's reaction, he felt she needed it. Tough love is what she needed right now. She was still occluding every time she looked at him. He couldn't support her anymore right now. He'd thrown that chance off the astronomy tower, so he needed to let her best friends do it. Even if one was a raging moron with absolutely no tact.
"Not my story," he repeated.
"Heard you and Potter got into it."
Ginny answered for her, "And Ron, don't forget Ronald."
"Ah, yes, weasel too."
The pair had trudged into the library about an hour after her spat with the boys and simply sat with her at her table. When she hadn't spoken, they'd begun talking to themselves about some gossip before turning their attention back to her.
"Can you two just go back to discussing Sirius's arse in his muggle jeans?"
Ginny and Pansy shared a smirk but said nothing.
Sighing, Hermione got up to fetch another text before returning to her seat and answering them. "I overreacted a bit."
"I don't think you did," Ginny shrugged, earning curious looks from Pansy and Hermione. "We all know how Ronald is, he's a wild card. But Harry, he's so calm most of the time that it's easy to forget he's a sass pot who holds the world on his shoulders and thinks he knows what's best."
Hermione chuckled while Pansy scoffed a laugh.
"Honestly, I don't mind attending. But that he just decided for us upset me. We didn't even talk about it, he just said we were."
Pansy nodded, "I would have done the same. I detest being told what to do."
She got another small laugh out of Hermione while Ginny grinned.
"Then he pulled the 'I need you' card, and I kind of crumbled."
"Why?"
Looking at Ginny, she shrugged, "When do I get to lean on someone?"
"That's not fair, Mione. We're here for you when you need us."
"Yes, but I only realized that recently. It's hard to get out of the mindset of having to be there for everyone else while they all forget I need help too." Ginny looked sheepish, "I'm not trying to bring up the past; it's just that I don't know how to explain it beyond that."
Pasny picked at her nails, "You've explained it just fine. We, the boys included, need to do better about being there and not letting you retract into yourself. Hints," she waved a manicured hand around them, "this. Couldn't let you stew in it, Granger."
Hermione laughed. Then sighed as she started to pack up her things. She didn't want to study. She wanted to be with her friends and they'd come to her, knowing she needed them. That alone made her heart feel lighter.
"I feel so overwhelmed lately."
Pansy's nail file paused against the nail it had been shaping as the witch holding it looked at her. Even Ginny seemed to hold her breath.
"About what?"
"I-," she stalled. How could she put her thoughts to words without them being confusing to them. They confused her. "How am I supposed to spend Easter with our family when all I can think of is what happened at the Manor?"
Nail file vanishing, Pansy uncrossed her legs and leaned forward to take Hermione's hands to keep her from fidgeting.
"You're allowed to be traumatized."
Hermione scoffed and moved to interject but Pansy ignored her.
"No, you listen. You have been back to the Manor how many times now? It's rhetorical, don't answer. You've mended bridges with the Malfoy's. Molly Weasley killed Bellatrix. Narcissa re-did that entire room after Draco took a sledgehammer to the floors." Hermione shivered; she hadn't known that. A bit of mischief lit Pansy's eyes, "Didn't know that bit, did you? He went into a bit of a fit, apparently, when he came home to it after the battle. Theo fire called me over after they'd settled him down, but by then, the room was demolished. The floor was in splinters. The fireplace and mantle were wrecked. There were holes in the walls and some of the wallpaper was even singed from episodes of unrestrained magic he'd-"
Abruptly, Pansy stopped, her eyes widening to almost a comical size.
"Oh, my Merlin."
"What?" Ginny asked with concern.
Hermione just met Pansy's horrified stare, her eyes watering as a few stray emotions bubbled to the surface.
"He had an episode seeing your blood on the floor," Pansy whispered. "Theo said it was like a rage he'd never seen."
"Pans..."
She turned her horrified gaze to Ginny, "You know, don't you?"
Ginny put her hands up, "I-"
"You know Draco is her bloody bonded!"
Hermione winced and cast a quick glance around them. Luckily, it was a Sunday, so the library was deserted, but for them.
"OH MY MERLIN!" The dark-haired Slytherin shrieked, palms slapping the table.
"And Theo said Gryffindor's are dramatic," Ginny said under her breathe. "Look, yes, I know but we all do-"
"Who is 'we all'?!"
Ginny grimaced, "My family."
The horror on her face morphed to anger as Pansy glared at Hermione. "True to your roots, huh Granger?"
Hermione winced but it was Ginny who tried to step in, "That's not fair. We found out with old magic, not because she told us. She begged us to keep it to ourselves, and we have."
"Why?" She ground out, still glaring at Hermione.
Internally reinforcing her closet's foundations so the rumbling stopped, Hermione looked at Pansy with eyes that looked both sad and resigned. "Because he chose her." Wrapping her arms around herself, she watched as Pansy seemed to deflate. "He kept picking her."
The trio of witches were quiet for a few minutes waiting for Pansy's response. When she finally spoke, she nodded.
"I get it." Running a hand through her shoulder-length hair, Pansy cursed. "I'm sorry for saying that about your roots. I was hurt."
"It's alright," Hermione said quietly.
"Well," she coughed, albeit a bit awkwardly, "you're not going to be alone over Easter. Either you go home with the Weasleys, or you come home with me, or I stay with you here. Anything to avoid Mother, really." Sitting back in her chair again, she rolled her shoulders and crossed her legs. "We're also getting you a gown for the Ministry's gala. Something to knock his socks off. He's going to rue the day he picked her over you."
"That's what I'm talking about," Ginny grinned.
But Hermione only shrugged. "I'm not living my life around the hope that Draco will choose me. Not anymore." Crisis averted and closet refortified Hermione tried to appear unphased by what had just happened. "I just don't want to pretend to be okay over Easter hols."
"Does it still hurt?" Frowning, Hermione looked at Ginny, who shrugged, looking solemn. "You used to cast cooling charms on it," she motioned to Hermione's arm, "when it was hurting you, and sometimes I see you rubbing it during class. Does it still hurt?"
"Phantom pain, I think," Hermione shrugged, "Nothing like it used to be unless I have a nightmare."
Getting up, the three of them moved to out of the library after Hermione sent her tomes back to the shelves with a simple spell.
"So," Pansy drawled out, "Do you think Sirius will accept my invite to the Ministry Remembrance Gala?"
Hermione couldn't help the snort that erupted out of her. Ginny dissolved into giggles right alongside her. Together the trio made their way outside and halfway to the quidditch field before Hermione realized where they were taking her. Groaning, Hermione resigned herself to her fate.
They sat under a large oak tree on a conjured blanket with snacks Darcey brought them. It turned into a lovely afternoon, the drama of earlier forgotten, although Pansy did apologize one more time, getting a teasing remark from Ginny while Hermione just thanked her and laid her head in her lap while they watched the boys above them play. Ginny left them not long after, conjuring a broom seemingly out of nowhere, leaving Hermione and Pansy alone until Luna wandered out to them. Barefoot and whimsical, she laid out beside them, hair fanned out like a halo.
Hermione rubbed at her arm as Luna, Pansy, Ginny and herself wandered towards the Great Hall for dinner. Hermione had fallen behind, telling them to go ahead of her when a Ravenclaw Prefect stopped her to ask about the upcoming schedule. After the girl walked away, happy with Hermione's agreement to switch a patrol shift for her, Hermione redirected herself towards the Great Hall only to gasp when a hand shot out and dragged her into a cupboard.
"Theo!" she smacked his chest before putting a hand on her own, "What do you think your-"
"You have to tell him," he said over his shoulder while closing the door softly before actually turning to look at her. "You have to tell Draco about your bond."
"He knows-"
Theo growled, "No, you need to tell him he is your bonded."
Hermione paused and considered the wizard before her. "No," she said softly.
"Why not?"
"Because he deserves his choice."
"Even if it's the wrong one?"
"It's not wrong if it's what he wants," she countered too calmly.
Exasperated, Theo threw his hands in the air, "He's going to find her a ring this weekend, Hermione!"
She felt her heart sink. Closing her eyes for a moment, she fortified herself. She hadn't been quick enough; it must have been visible on her face because Theo glared at her, his head ticking to the side.
"Granger."
"Nott."
"You're," he paused, frowning at her and invading her space. Hermione didn't back down, she met his glare. "You're occluding."
It was her turn to scoff.
"You are," he accused.
"You're being ridiculous."
"Says the witch not working through her emotions," he grabbed her chin, looking side to side as if her eye would tell him more. "How long?"
Biting her tongue, she refused to answer and instead tried to wrench her face away, but he tightened his grip on her.
"Granger," he growled.
"Since the fight in the common room."
"When the Minister visited?" he questioned looking confused.
Hermione shook her head as much as his grip would allow, "After my accident."
Theo swore, letting go of her face. "Do you know how dangerous that is?"
"I'm fine, it's only certain things."
"Your bond!" She flinched. They were in such a tight space, he was pacing so closely that his robes brushed her front every time her changed direction. "You are occluding your emotions about Draco and Astoria!"
"Why are you yelling?" she asked calmly despite the rattling of the closet doors within her mind. She could hear the melody behind the doors.
"You have to feel, Hermione. You have to let yourself feel!"
"No," she snapped at him coldly.
He could see it crumbling in her eyes. Her shield. Her eyes had a sad spark returning to them.
"Do you want him to marry her? What happens when one of them finds his mark? Purebloods traditionally bind their magic. What happens when they get married and his magic rejects hers? What are you going to do? You're going to lose him."
"I already have!" Hermione shouted, her emotions smashing through that music box, obliterating the closet. Everything she'd kept bottled up, boiling over like a cauldron left on the burner too long. "I was right there, Theo! And he chose her! Right there, literally in his arms, I bared everything to him and he chose Astoria! I can only take so fucking much!"
The look he gave her was pure sympathy. She hated it.
"Then why not just tell him?"
"He deserves a choice! What happens if I go up to him and say, 'You're my bonded. Please pick me, Draco, pick me?" Theo opened his mouth, but she was pacing now, tears streaming down her face, and she didn't see, so she continued as if she hadn't asked, "He would be mine based on the first three words and only those three words! No different than the yule ball. He picked me when he thought he had to! I want him to pick me because he wants to! Because he wants me, not because there is a bond and he has to! So no, I won't do that." She deflated, the fight leaving her feeling cold, the ache in her chest blossoming for the first time in too long, "Every time there has been a choice without obligation, he picks her."
"Granger," he tried to sound soothing, "He loves you."
"Not enough," she whispered.
"He loves you more than I've ever seen someone our age love someone. Apart from you and your unwavering ability to be selfless. But that seflessness could cost you him, are you willing to do that?"
Her chin wobbled, and she tried to turn her head away, but he held her chin between his thumb and forefinger again.
"Please tell him."
"No."
"Then tell him you love him."
"I have," she sobbed, "I told him, and I begged Theo, I begged, and he still left me."
"You'll watch him marry her?"
She met his gaze, tears freely falling from her eyes.
"Come on, Granger, answer me. Are you just going to watch him marry her?"
"I'm going to separate from the magical world for a while." She looked down at her hands, picking at a cuticle on her left hand, "After graduation, I'm going to go on a trip."
Theo stepped back as much as he could, his hand falling to his side, "You're running?" She could no longer look at him. "You are! You're running. That's something Weasley would do."
Running her hands through her hair, Hermione heaved her bag back up on her shoulder, "I've spent this whole school year playing second string to Astoria, even when I was in his bed every night. Yes, I'm going to run. I'm going to take the time to heal and find a way to permanently cover my mark because I'm not as brave as you all assume. I'm not the witch you all keep on a pedestal. I'm human, and despite what you see most of the time, I am utterly heartbroken." Fiercely wiping her face, she cursed under her breath, "How did you find out?"
"I've known since Christmas."
"Why didn't you say anything then?" His face changed and her stomach fell further, "You did, didn't you? And what did he say?"
"Hermione..."
"And you think it will be different if I say it? No Theo. He wants her and I want him to be happy. It's as simple as that."
"Then you wouldn't be occluding!"
"Even I can only take so much." Unable to take the conversation anymore Hermione slipped out the door without another look at Theo.
Resigning himself to his fate, Theo walked into the drafty classroom.
"Professor."
Snape turned, the chalk he'd been writing with continuing to outline the directions for the next day on the board.
"Mister Nott."
Theo hesitated. He knew he needed to do this. He knew it was what was best for her, or she would risk irreparable damage to herself. By her own admission, it had been three months since Hermione started occluding. This was the only way he knew how to help her.
"I haven't all day," Snape drawled while dusting his hands with a rag he quickly vanished.
"Hermione is occluding."