Opening Sequence
[SCENE – Monster Temple . Eclipsa, Janna and Moon are getting Star reading for her wedding. Eclipsa does Star's nails on one hand, Janna on the other, and Moon does her hair.]
Moon: (Brushing) You're gonna be a beautiful bride, Star.
Star: Thanks, Mom. I just want everything to be so perfect for Marco. I love him so much. This whole day is just full of love!
(Enter Tom, carrying a bag, grumpily)
Tom: (Furiously) I hate him. (Slams door, trudges towards the counter) He's a self-centered whining, demanding, (throws bag on counter) miserable little karate man.
Janna: What happened, my brother?
Tom: (Angrily) "Get the tuxedos!" "Pumice my toes!" "Tie the cans to the car!" I'm his best man, not his demon hamster!
Star: But you got the tuxes, right?
Tom: You two deserve each other. (Paces towards couch, Janna follows)
Janna: Um, Tom, what is really bothering you?
Tom: (With Janna, sits) Marco is really bothering me! I don't know what I ever saw in him.
Star: (Grinning to mask anger) Tom… (giggles) See, (sits on couch arm) this is my wedding day and I would really appreciate it if there wasn't any tension. (Strokes Tom's hair)
Tom: I don't care. If somebody abuses me, I lash out.
Star (Suddenly choking Tom, but still smiling. Stands him up) Nobody's abusing anybody! (Slowly moves him into the door) This is my wedding day! How dare you… (Pins him against the door)
Tom: (Grunts) (Being choked) Can somebody help me out here?
Star: (Still choking and smiling) No, see, the best man cannot hate the groom. (Hits his head against the door twice) Now you're gonna ruin my wedding pictures. (Tom is in severe pain)
Moon: (Approaches the fray) Star, you're killing him.
Tom: (Raspy, due to lack of hair) (Looking up) Dad… I'm coming Dad… (Moon tries to pry Star off of him)
Angela: (Smiling, to make light of the scenario) Topanga, if he dies, then the best man is Eric.
Star: (Chill choking, briskly shakes head) Then we don't want him to die.
Janna: No, no we don't.
Star: (Lets go) You okay? Okay, good boy. (Strokes his hair insincerely)
Tom: (Sinks down the door, energy drained. Janna squats next to him) (To Angela) They're both psycho.
Star: (To Tom) How can there be anything wrong between you and Marco? You love him more than I do. (Moon looks at her, stunned) (To Mom) It's true, but I'm okay with it. (Walks away, with Moon, leaving Janna & Tom alone at the door)
Janna: (On the couch) What's going on?
Tom: (Still leaning on the door) Our entire friendship has always been about him! How does Marco feel? What is Marco thinking? (Rubs neck)
Janna: Come on, Tom, what's this really about?
Tom: (Thinks) You know, (stands) you'd think on his wedding day he'd realize how hard this is for me. (Exits)
[SCENE – The Diatz's' living room. Everything is cleared out to make room for tons of folding white chairs for the ceremony. Buff Frog is there, as are Angie and Rafael , who is moving flowers. Marco enters, slightly panicked, with Ludo in tail]
Marco: Where's my best man?
Rafael: (Lugging a huge vase of lots of flowers) Don't know!
Ludo: Shoulda picked me!
Marco: (Ignoring Ludo) Wait a minute, he's not here yet?
Ludo: Shoulda picked me!
Marco: (Ignoring Ludo, to room) What's his problem? I'm getting married in four hours!
Ludo: Okay, I think it's time for the older friend to give the younger friend the pre-wedding talk, okay?
Buff Frog: (Sarcastically) Oh, goody…
Marco: (Being sat in a chair by Ludo) You? I'm getting advice from you?
Ludo: (Pointing to Angie) Take notes, Mrs. Diatz! Ludo is giving lessons in human boinging. (Angie sighs, putting her face in her palm)
Rafael: (Upset) Oh, no no no no no…
Ludo: (To Marco, seriously) Alright, lesson one: without love is empty and hollow. (Suddenly jokingly) And that's just the way we men like it! Huh? (Puts his arm around Rafael) (The whole room looks displeased, especially Rafael who, unsure of how to react, motions as though he should hit Ludo)
Buff Frog: Ludo, you're completely missing the beauty of human sexuality. It's not just a physical act, it's the intimacy between two people sharing their souls.
Ludo: Maybe for old people!
Buff Frog: (Giving up) You know, you're all crazy! (Exits)
Marco: (Stands, worried) I can't believe Tom. I can't believe he's not here yet. I mean, what is so hard about remembering the tuxedos, the wedding cake, and the rings!
Ludo: (Leaning into Marco's ear from behind) Fire Tom, you know you want to…
Angie: (Ignoring Ludo, who walks away) Marco, you and Tom are best friends and you're going to stay best friends.
Marco: Are we?
Angie: What?
Marco: (Frustrated) Because where is my best friend with the tuxedos? (Hurriedly walks towards the door) Why is my best friend trying to sabotage my wedding day?
Tom: (Enters, quickly, with a shopping back and a cake box in hand) Oh, now I'm sabotaging your wedding day?
Marco: Where're the tuxedos?
Tom: I don't have them yet.
Marco: What do you mean you don't have them yet?
Tom: (Agitated) I've been outside tying tin cans to the Volvo for the last hour, my fingers are bleeding! (Holds up fingers)
Marco: (Pause) We don't have a Volvo.
Tom: What?
Marco: We don't have a Volvo, we have a Chevy.
Tom: Well who has a Volvo?
Buff Frog: (Enters from kitchen with several tin cans on a string) Who's been tying tin cans to my carriage ?
Marco: (Points to Tom) He did. (Takes the can from Buff Frog)
Tom: (Rubs forehead) This is too much pressure…
Marco: Tom, what's the matter buddy? I mean, you're really letting me down, here.
Tom: Marco, has it occurred to you even a little bit that as far as you and me go, today is the last day that we're ever gonna be… Marco and Tom? You know? Tom and Marco?
Marco: (Speechless, looks around. Eyes the can label) Beans? (Holds up cans) You picked beans?
Tom: What's the matter with beans?
Marco: Beans are not a wedding can!
Tom: Why not?
Marco: Because beans do not say eternal love and happiness!
Ludo: (Interjecting from the easy chair) I know what they say!
Tom: (Ignoring Ludo) Marco, (Puts his hand son Marco's shoulders) I'm trying to talk to you about something.
Marco: (Knocks away Tom's arms, dropping cans) I don't wanna talk about it now.
Tom: Why not?
Marco: Did you pick up the honeymoon tickets from the travel agent?
Tom: What's the matter with you?
Rafael: (Interjecting, try to cool things off) Hey, hey, guys…
Marco: (Stopping Rafael ) No, no, no, no. Dad, please! (Looks at Tom) I just want a guy who can pick up the tuxedos and tie some cans together!
Tom: (Forcefully) I just want to talk to you about this.
Marco: (Erupting) Shawn, I just wanna competent best man!
Tom: (Exploding with fire on his eye) THEN GET A NEW ONE! (Walks towards door)
Marco: What did you say?
Tom: I said get a new best man!
Ludo: (Freaks out, happily I guess, in his chair. Then stands) Marco, what I think we've got here is a best man who's folded under the pressure. (Walks over to Marco) I'll pick up the tuxedos, (picks up cans) I'll tie the cans to the Subaru, it's all taken care of. (Looks at Tom with a gloating face, Tom ignores him) (Exits through front)
Marco: You can be an usher.
Tom: I don't want to be an usher.
Marco: Well, do you wanna walk my Nana Booboo down the aisle?
Tom: I don't wanna walk Nana Booboo anywhere.
Marco: Whaddya wanna do, Tom?
Tom: (Not angry, simply sad) (Shrugs) I don't wanna do anything.
Marco: (Raising anger) You don't wanna do anything at my wedding?
Tom: (Very angry with fire eye again) No, I'm not going to your wedding! (Walks away)
Marco: Fine! Then don't go