CHAPTER NINE

She was bored. And hungry.

Usagi leaned against the front gate, staring down at her shoes as scores of students filed past her on their way home. As she nibbled on her lower lip, brief snippets of random conversations filtered into her ears; worries about upcoming exams, comparisons of assigned homework, and tidbits of gossip. When a group of boys raved about the yakisoba they'd eaten last night, Usagi's stomach rumbled with longing. She glanced at her watch and sighed, wondering how long she'd have to wait for her next meal.

Luna and Artemis had scheduled another training session for tonight, which meant it would likely be several hours before she made it home for dinner. Hopefully Makoto had brought some extra snacks with her. Any food Usagi brought to school, extra or otherwise, inevitably wound up eaten by the final bell. Often well before that. Rei always scolded her for it, lecturing her about her lack of self-control and urging her to be more prudent, whatever that meant, but Makoto never cared. She was always more than happy to share.

Where was she, anyway? Usagi scanned the dwindling crowd of students rushing by, but Makoto wasn't among them. She and Ami had told Usagi to meet them at the gate at the end of the day, but she'd been standing here for ten minutes with no sign of them. Usagi hated spending extra time at school, or any time at school for that matter, aside from lunch. After last week's record-breaking stint in detention, she'd been careful to avoid Haruna-sensei's wrath. So far, she'd managed three days in a row without any slip-ups, and she was determined to keep that streak going as long as she could.

A boy from class three gave her a shy smile as he breezed past her on his way to join the yakisoba group. Usagi leaned back against the brick wall and watched the rowdy crew laugh at the straggler before debating which movie to go see. For a brief moment she wished she could go with them…until one boy picked his nose and flicked it at another. Usagi wrinkled her nose and turned away. Boys were so disgusting. There were any number of things she'd rather do tonight than slog her way through another training session, but dodging boogers wasn't one of them.

"Usagi!"

The greeting reached her ears a second before an arm looped through her own, jostling her forward. Usagi looked up at Naru's cheerful face and smiled.

"What are you still doing here?" Naru asked. "You're usually the first one out of the gate."

Usagi winked and nudged her hip. "Last one in, first one out."

Naru grinned and gave her a playful nudge in return. "Or in the case of last week, 'last one in, last one out'." She laughed when Usagi rolled her eyes then blinked and took a step back before tilting her head to the side. "Are you wearing makeup?"

"Makeup?" Usagi echoed, furrowing her brow.

"Yeah, is that blush?" Naru tilted her head to the other side. "Your cheekbones look amazing. Can you show me how to do that?"

Usagi pressed a hand to her cheek and frowned. She didn't wake up early enough to put makeup on; most mornings she barely had time to get dressed before she was racing out the door. Whatever spare moments she had were devoted to eating, not primping. "I'm not wearing any makeup."

Naru's eyebrows rose. "Really?" She looked Usagi up and down before narrowing her eyes. "Have you lost weight?"

Usagi tugged her jacket closed. "I don't think so." She hadn't stepped on a scale since Shingo's nasty prank several months ago, but her clothes didn't feel any looser. Tighter, on the other hand…

Naru's gaze lingered just long enough for Usagi to grow uncomfortable. "Hmm, there's definitely something different about you." She shrugged and shook her head before re-linking their arms. "Whatever, I'm just glad I caught you." She gave Usagi's arm a tug. "Let's go to the arcade. Motoki's seemed down lately, and he asked me where you've been. I think he misses you."

Though it was clear from Naru's cheshire grin that she expected her comment to garner a big reaction, hearing Motoki's name only made Usagi's stomach churn. She still hadn't talked to him since Mamoru's disappearance. Yesterday had been her first real opportunity. She and Ami had been walking home and as they'd passed by the arcade, Usagi had caught a glimpse of Motoki through the window and stopped short. He'd been standing there, holding a broom, completely still, and his face had looked so…so…

…despondent.

Usagi had never seen Motoki look that way before. He was always cheerful, always smiling, always happy to say hello and offer a kind word. But not yesterday. When Ami had asked her if she'd wanted to go inside, Usagi had shaken her head and walked on like a coward. How could she face Motoki knowing what she knew? How could she listen to his inevitable concern without falling apart? And how could she do it all in front of Ami? As soon as Mamoru's name came up, Ami would have tried to interrogate the poor guy. Maybe if Usagi had been with Rei…but they still weren't speaking to each other.

"Earth to Usagi," Naru called, waving a hand in front of Usagi's face. "Save your daydreaming for later. I told my mom I would be home by five and—"

"Sorry, Naru, I can't go."

Naru's bright gaze dimmed as her arm tightened on Usagi's. "Can't go? Why not? Are you grounded?"

Usagi drew her lower lip between her teeth and glanced toward the school's front entrance. "No, I'd like to go, but I kind of have plans with Makoto and Ami…"

Naru's arm went limp before she pulled away. "Oh," she said, stepping back. "I see. I was hoping we could catch up. You've been so busy lately, I feel like I've barely seen you outside of class." Naru's chin dropped, shielding her bruised gaze from Usagi's view. "Maybe, um, maybe another day then."

Usagi's grip tightened on her schoolbag. "I'm sorry, Naru, I really want to, it's just that…" She had to spend the evening taking a beating from her teammates so she was less likely to be killed by whatever savage youma the Dark Kingdom chose to throw at her next.

Before Usagi could think of a suitable lie, a hand settled on her shoulder. Naru's vulnerable gaze hardened as she looked past Usagi's face. "Kino-san, Mizuno-san," Naru said, nodding her head in a polite greeting.

Usagi craned her neck around and found Makoto and Ami flanking her. Makoto offered Naru a courteous nod and Ami said a quiet, "Hello, Osaka-san," before leaning in and whispering, "Sorry we're late. Rei called to let us know her grandfather is hosting an evening tea ceremony at the shrine, so we had to decide on another place to meet."

Makoto smiled down at Usagi and gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Ready to go?"

Usagi looked from Makoto's expectant face to Naru's wounded expression and felt a sharp pang of guilt. Naru was her oldest friend, and she was clearly feeling neglected. Usagi's new friends—her new life—were inadvertently crowding out the old. In a perfect world everything would come together, but there was no way to include Naru in Senshi business, and there had precious little time for anything else of late.

Acting on impulse, Usagi pivoted and moved to Naru's side. "Actually, Naru asked me to go to the arcade."

Makoto blinked at Usagi before exchanging a glance with Ami. Ami's cheeks coloured as she gave Naru an apologetic look. "My, that sounds like fun, but I'm afraid we have an appointment to get to. Perhaps we can all go tomorrow, Usagi."

"Or"—Usagi grabbed hold of Naru's hand—"you two could go on ahead, and I can meet you later."

Makoto's brows drew together as her mouth opened, but Ami clasped her hand before she could speak. "We agreed to do this together, Usagi. You know we can't go without you."

"The appointment can wait," Usagi said, squeezing Naru's hand. "This is important."

It was clear from Makoto's expression that she disagreed. "Don't forget, there's a penalty for being late," she warned, raising her eyebrows.

Usagi knew she'd catch hell from Luna, but she didn't care, she'd already made up her mind.

"Don't miss your appointment on my account, Usagi," Naru said, breaking the awkward stalemate. "Like I said, I have to be home early. Why don't we go another day, like Mizuno-san suggested?"

Usagi frowned as she turned to Naru. "But—"

"Great idea, Osaka-san," Makoto cut in, flashing an easy grin and slinging an arm around Usagi's shoulders. "We'll all go and let Ami cream us at Sailor V. She's the reigning champ. C'mon, Usagi."

"No."

Three sets of eyes blinked in unison when Usagi shrugged off Makoto's arm. "Naru and I are going to the arcade for an hour. Alone. I'll meet you later."

The air crackled with tension as Ami's eyes widened and Makoto's narrowed. Though a bead of sweat trickled down her temple, Usagi kept her chin up. She couldn't tell if Makoto wanted to yell at her or leave her there…or throw her over her shoulder, but even if Usagi was daunted, she wouldn't be cowed. She was still smarting from Rei's dress down three days ago, and she hadn't forgotten the others' silence in that moment.

Usagi couldn't help thinking that Naru wouldn't have stood silent. Naru would have defended her.

"It's all right, Usagi, I'd— I'd rather not go today, if it's all the same to you."

Usagi turned away from Makoto and Ami and frowned at the sight of Naru's uneasy gaze. Cursing inwardly, Usagi softened her expression and squeezed Naru's hand. "At least let me walk you home."

"You don't"—Naru's gaze flitted to Makoto and Ami—"you don't have to."

Usagi's gaze never wavered. "I want to."

Naru's cheeks flushed a soft pink before her mouth curved upward in a smile. "All right."

Usagi returned the smile. "All right." She linked her arm through Naru's before looking back over her shoulder. "I'm going to walk Naru home, and then I'll catch up with you guys, okay?"

It was Makoto who silenced Ami this time with a hand on her shoulder. "No need, Usagi," she said, her voice surprisingly chipper. "Ami and I don't mind a quick detour." Her gaze intensified as her mouth flattened. "We'll be right behind you."

Usagi swallowed and looked ahead before stepping out onto the sidewalk. Getting into a mini power struggle with Makoto and Ami wasn't going to do her any good, but Usagi had been chafing under their constant escort for days now, and she needed a little space. She had a communicator, she didn't need a babysitter, but nobody would listen to her. She clutched Naru's arm a little tighter and increased her pace, looking to put some distance between her and her shadows. She'd probably pay for it during training, but right now it felt worth it.

"I hope your friends aren't mad."

"What?" Usagi turned her head in time to catch Naru peering over her shoulder. Usagi didn't look back. She knew they were there. "Don't worry about them. The appointment they're talking about is no big deal. Unlike you and Umino sitting together at lunch." Usagi grinned when Naru blushed. "So, has he professed his undying love yet? Have you two kissed? Tell me everything."

They discussed Naru's budding relationship for several blocks, and though Usagi suspected Naru wasn't telling her everything, she did tell her some things. There had been a confession but no kiss. Naru said she wasn't sure yet, but Usagi could tell from her frequent blushes that she had to be very fond of Umino. Usagi understood her hesitance; there was no denying Umino's obnoxious side, but he'd really toned it down since he'd fallen for Naru. He was still a dork, but he was a dork in love, and that was really very sweet.

Naru was lucky. Not all boys were willing to change for the better. Some of them only got worse.

When fancy car rolled to a stop ahead of them, Usagi and Naru drew quiet, distracted by the show of luxury. As the driver stepped out and came around the back of the car to open the rear passenger door, Usagi held her breath, convinced that a celebrity was about to step out. When a girl exited the backseat a moment later, Usagi's eyes widened in recognition. "Isn't that Kuri?"

Naru nodded before the driver got back into the car and drove away. Usagi blinked as the expensive car disappeared around a corner then turned her eyes to Kuri, but the girl had vanished. "Where did she—?"

Usagi dropped Naru's arm and jogged a few steps to where she had last seen their classmate and looked up at a large, ornate gate. She peered through the heavy cast iron rails and caught a glimpse of Kuri as she climbed the front steps of an impressive, western-style mansion. Usagi had noticed the stately home before, and she'd always wondered who lived there. There was no way Kuri's family was rich enough to live in a house like that.

She turned to Naru. "What is this place?"

Naru's brows rose. "You don't know? That's Rose Mansion. The lady who lives there is a countess from England."

Usagi's mouth dropped open. "A countess?" While she knew next to nothing about English aristocracy, she knew enough to be impressed. One of the large double doors swung open and Kuri stepped inside. "What's Kuri doing here?"

"Her parents have enrolled her in the Princess Seminar."

Usagi tore her gaze away from the mansion and blinked at Naru. "Princess Seminar? What the heck is that?"

Naru frowned and glanced through the gates. "It's a special course designed to teach proper etiquette and social graces to young women. Lots of wealthy families send their daughters here. It's supposed to be super exclusive."

"How did Kuri get in?" Usagi asked, glancing at the spot where she'd last sighted the girl. "Her family isn't wealthy." Usagi hadn't said it to be snotty; Kuri was one of her classmates, and a friend. Usagi wasn't as close with Kuri as she was with Naru, but they'd been in the same class for years now, and Kuri had never said anything about being rich. Was she secretly loaded?

"They aren't," Naru said before shaking her head and adding, "or they weren't. Not until recently, at least. Her father got an important promotion a little while ago that changed their status. Now he has to attend all kinds of fancy social events, and Kuri and her mother often have to go with him. That's why her parents sent her to the seminar."

Usagi gaped at Naru. "How did I not know any of this?" Though she was genuinely curious, the question sounded more irritated than she would have liked. Usagi hated being left out of the loop.

Naru turned her gaze to the mansion. "Kuri doesn't talk about it a lot. I think all of the sudden changes have been making her feel insecure. She told me she's worried her parents are going to send her to a private school next year instead of Juban." When Naru turned back to Usagi, her expression was guarded. "She's talked about it a few times at lunch, but you haven't been around lately. You've been spending most of your lunch hours with Kino-san and Mizuno-san."

Though Naru kept her tone casual, she lowered her gaze to the sidewalk while saying the last bit. Usagi looked from Naru to Makoto and Ami. While they'd kept a polite distance during their walk to allow her and Naru some privacy, they'd never let Usagi out of their sight. Usagi had been right in her earlier assessment. Her new life was crowding out her old one.

Senshi business was devouring the majority of Usagi's free time. So much of it, that she had no idea what was going on in some of her friend's lives. She'd fallen out of touch with Kuri, would the same thing happen with Naru? Was this just a temporary blip, or would everything slowly slip away, piece by piece, until there was nothing left but duty? Usagi's heart wrenched in her chest as she looked from Makoto and Ami to Naru. Usagi loved her new friends, but her old friendships were important to her too. What else had she missed?

Eager to lighten the mood, Usagi forced a bright smile and nodded at the mansion. "Maybe now that Kuri's been accepted she can get me in too." The idea of Tsukino Usagi enrolling in finishing school was bound to get a laugh.

Naru took the bait and grinned. "Why, Usagi? Do you want to be a princess?"

"No!"

The harsh response shot out of her mouth in an instant, loud and adamant. When Naru's amusement turned to shock, Usagi scrambled to downplay the awkward outburst. "I mean, uh, no, I don't care about the training, I'm just in it for the snacks." As Naru's startled expression eased, Usagi leaned into the joke. "A fancy place like that probably serves all kinds of delicious treats."

Naru rolled her eyes but her smile was affectionate. "I should have known you'd only be in it for the food. What else could tempt you to spend your afternoons sipping tea and listening to poetry?"

Usagi laughed before turning to resume their walk. "Yeah, that sounds super bori—"

The collision took her by surprise, halting her speech and throwing her completely off balance. Usagi staggered back, but before she could fall, two hands gripped her by the arms and pulled her forward. The sudden correction sent her lurching headfirst into a chest, and in her dazed state, Usagi failed to see the danger before her. When she raised a hand to push away, she caught her first glimpse of colour and froze. Her eyes widened as she took in the narrow red tie. Her breath caught as she noted the crisp white shirt. And her heart stopped when she stared at the tailored navy blazer.

A thousand thoughts flew through her mind at once, all too jumbled to decipher. Her mouth went dry, her palms grew slick with sweat, and a harsh noise, like a train rushing by, filled her ears. Without warning, her heart sprang back into motion, thumping against her breastbone with savage intensity. Usagi was so arrested by her body's violent response that she didn't hear her name being called until Naru grabbed her wrist and gave it a shake.

"Usagi, snap out of it!"

Usagi shook her head and forced herself to look up, but when she did, she couldn't understand what she was seeing. Brown hair, not black; green eyes, not blue. She closed and opened her eyes several times, even pinched herself for good measure, but no matter what she did the features never changed. No matter how much she wanted them to.

It wasn't him.

"Are you all right, miss?"

Usagi stared at the unfamiliar boy in his familiar uniform and tried to find the will to answer him. When Naru gave her a sharp nudge in the ribs, Usagi managed to nod her head in reply. The boy offered her a polite smile before stepping around her and heading off down the sidewalk. As she turned to watch him go, Usagi caught sight of Makoto and Ami again. They had kept their distance, but she could tell from the looks on their faces that they had seen it all play out.

"Oh my gosh, Usagi, he was really cute. Don't try to deny it, I saw how tongue-tied you were!"

Usagi watched the boy disappear around a corner before letting her gaze slide back to Ami and Makoto. Their consoling expressions did little to ease the hollow ache in her chest.

"He was so kind and polite too; the way he stopped you from falling and stayed to ask if you were all right."

A small part of Usagi began to regret her decision to walk Naru home. She had a training session to get to, and she had dawdled long enough.

"He was wearing the same uniform as that other guy you're always bumping into. Do you think they're classmates?"

"Was he?" Usagi replied, pleased by the calm, dispassionate timbre of her own voice. She turned and resumed walking, taking care to avoid Naru's gaze as she did. "I didn't even notice."

In the end, the detour to walk Naru home was neither quick nor overlooked. When Usagi, Makoto, and Ami arrived to the training session thirty minutes late, Luna launched in on the tardy trio straight away. Though her long-winded lecture about respecting everyone's time cost them all another twenty minutes, no one seemed to be in the mood to point out the hypocrisy. Artemis, Minako, and Rei had been likewise unimpressed. The cat expressed his disapproval by putting the lot of them through a series of punishing drills. The Senshi took their frustration out on the field.

While no one enjoyed training sessions, there was usually a solidarity in the suffering, but not that night. Moods were tense, tempers were short, and tensions were unusually high. In lieu of Rei and Usagi's customary back-and-forth, everyone was sniping at each other, and fireballs, lightning strikes, and crescent beams rained down with impunity. After an hour of dodging the not-so-friendly fire, Usagi called a timeout and dragged herself off the field. Jupiter, Mars, and Venus let her go, opting to run through some sparring drills in her absence. It was hard to say whether they lingered because they had more energy to burn or simply because they wanted to avoid her, but either way, Usagi was too gassed to care.

Thirsty, sore, and winded, she sank down beside Mercury and breathed a weary sigh. All these sessions ever did was reinforce the fact that Usagi wasn't cut out for this gig. She couldn't keep up with the others in combat, and she didn't have the brains to sit on the sidelines and lend support. She was supposed to be their leader, but with each passing day she felt more and more like a mascot. There was no matching Jupiter's powerful blows, Venus's artful dodges, and Mars's fiery firepower. Frowning, Usagi grabbed a water bottle and looked away from her formidable allies. What did they even need her for?

"Usagi, perfect timing!"

Usagi turned as Mercury looked up from her computer with a bright smile. Unlike the rest of their surly quintet, Mercury was in a buoyant mood, but Usagi suspected that was less due to her resilience of spirit than to the sparkly new treasure lying in her lap. Usagi glanced down at the wand nestled in the pleats of Mercury's mini-skirt before taking a swig of water.

"I've just finished running some additional scans on the ginzuishou, and I'd like to go over the results with you. Bear in mind, these are only preliminary findings, but after combining these new data-points with the information acquired from my initial scans, I've been able to compile some compelling data."

Taking the pause as her cue to respond, Usagi nodded her head then averted her gaze, hoping this was one of the situations where Mercury required a sounding board more than an active participant. The former, Usagi could do. The latter…not so much.

"It appears as though the ginzuishou functions as a type of amplifier, or at least that seems to be its primary function. Most of these readings will require further analysis before I can properly interpret them, but much can be surmised from this basis of understanding."

Usagi's stomach rumbled as she bobbed her head in another absent-minded nod. She still hadn't eaten. Looking to the small pile of belongings to her left, her gaze zeroed in on Makoto's large teal bento bag. She'd brought the big bag, which could only mean one thing.

"As a rule, a magical amplifier must rely on its user to supply it with power, but I suspect, so far as the ginzuishou goes, that is not strictly the case. It's quite clear that the ginzuishou holds a significant amount of power in its own right, but I believe that its user—in this case, you—will still function as its primary power source."

Usagi loosened the strings on Makoto's bag and rooted around in search of treasures within. When her eyes lit upon a mouthwatering assortment of onigiri, her empty stomach groaned in anticipation. Wasting no time, she snatched one of the rice balls with greedy fingers and popped it in her mouth before anyone could stop her.

"Given your limited experience with the ginzuishou, I think it would be helpful to run through some exercises together. Your first attempt, though successful, took a rather heavy toll, and I'd like to ascertain whether adverse effects of that nature are typical or anomalous."

Usagi washed down the tart, tangy taste of pickled plum with another gulp of water before stuffing a second onigiri, salmon this time, into her mouth. The salty snack was just what she'd been craving, and she closed her eyes in blissful repose as she munched away. Bless Makoto and her selfless desire to feed others…

"It's obviously difficult to utilize your full abilities in the absence of a proper target, but I thought we could begin with a summoning exercise to practice channelling your power. It's best to start small and build from there. There's a lot we still don't know about the ginzuishou, but acclimating yourself to its use could be key in the battle ahead. You'll want to be prepared for the next time we face Tuxedo Kamen."

The rice turned to ash in Usagi's mouth, but she forced herself to choke it down before turning to Mercury. "Tuxedo Kamen?"

Mercury nodded. "If he's been brainwashed by the Dark Kingdom as we suspect, then you should be able to heal him with the wand."

The bright flare of Venus's crescent beam flashed in the periphery of Usagi's vision as she digested Mercury's statement. She turned unseeing eyes toward the other Senshi. "The ginzuishou. You think…you think it will fix him?"

"It worked on Misha and Janelyn. Assuming that Tuxedo Kamen is likewise under the Dark Kingdom's influence, it stands to reason that using the ginzuishou to cleanse him would serve as our best chance of bringing him back."

"Bringing him back…" The words sounded hollow in Usagi's ears, offering little in the way of comfort. She didn't have to ask herself what was causing this sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she knew full well it was doubt. The real question was, what did she doubt most? Herself? The ginzuishou? Or—

"Are you ready?"

Usagi blinked and considered the question before realizing that there was only one acceptable answer. Rising on wooden legs, she brushed a few errant flecks of rice off of her skirt then turned to Mercury and extended a hand. Mercury smiled before handing her the wand, and Usagi wrapped her fingers around the haft in a ginger grip.

She looked to Mercury. "What do I do?"

Mercury tapped her right earring to bring up her HUD. "I'd like you to try to channel some of your power into the ginzuishou without expelling it. Remember, start small."

Usagi took a few steps back to give herself some space then held the wand out in front of her. She'd often thought that it looked more like a child's toy than a weapon, but staring at it now, with its bright colours muted in the evening light, it seemed more impressive somehow. Was it just a trick of the light, or was it more than that? Until recently, Usagi had only ever used it to heal, but when the ginzuishou had appeared, the wand had transformed itself into a weapon. Had it always harboured that potential, or was it just a conduit? If so, where had that destructive power come from? From her? Or from the ginzuishou itself?

Usagi studied the small crystal nestled in the curve of the crescent moon and felt an involuntary shudder run through her. So many wanted it, so many had fought for it, but somehow, against all reason, it had ended up in her charge. Why? As Usagi searched in vain for an answer, her arm began to tremble. Though the ginzuishou weighed no more than a few grams, it felt like an anvil in her hand. This was no illusion, no magical aberration, it was the weight of responsibility, and it was a burden Usagi would carry so long as the ginzuishou remained in her possession.

[[Why do you fear something you were born to wield?]]

Serenity's voice, as always, was so unexpected that Usagi let go of the wand. Lurching forward, she clapped both hands around it before it could hit the ground. When Mercury shot her a startled look, Usagi blushed and straightened up. "Oops, butterfingers."

Mercury's mouth twisted in a wry smile before she turned her eyes back to her computer screen. "Whenever you're ready."

The patient prompting reminded Usagi of the task at hand, and she closed her eyes, still gripping the wand in both hands. Mercury wanted her to channel her power into the ginzuishou, which sounded simple enough. Except apparently it wasn't. For whatever reason, Usagi was suddenly unable to summon a single thread of power. She adjusted her stance and tightened her grip, but the awkward fidgeting made no difference. What was she doing wrong?

[[You cannot expect to command the ginzuishou so long as you are afraid of it.]]

Usagi opened her eyes and blew out a loud sigh. A glance at Mercury's expectant expression only deepened her frustration. "Technical difficulties," Usagi said before scrunching her eyes shut. She needed to concentrate, but how was she supposed to do that with Serenity pestering her? 'Summon your power, summon your power,' Usagi chanted internally. She could do this. This was easy. If she couldn't do this, then how would she ever be able to—

[[It will not respond to your fear. You must communicate that which you desire.]]

"Right now, what I desire is for you to go away."

"Pardon?" Mercury asked.

"Nothing," Usagi answered without opening her eyes. She had to be careful; Mercury was much more perceptive than the others. A few more slip-ups like that would be more than enough to trigger her radar.

Usagi needed to get through this exercise—and this training session—and get home to supper and bed. She was tired and hungry and that was never a good combination. The ginzuishou wouldn't respond to fear, huh? Usagi needed to tell it what she wanted? Well, she wanted a sandwich and a nap, how was that for starters?

[[You really are ruled by your stomach, aren't you?]]

Usagi ignored the snide comment and continued her train of thought. She wanted this training session to be over. She wanted school to be cancelled tomorrow so she could sleep in and skip her English test. She wanted chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, and then she wanted to spend the day with Naru. She wanted to go to the arcade. She wanted to see Motoki. She wanted to talk to him.

"Perfect, Usagi, that's a great start. Try to hold that level for a minute while I record the values."

Usagi opened her eyes. The ginzuishou was glowing with a faint light, and beyond it Mercury was typing rapidly on her keyboard. Usagi eyed the glimmering crystal with a speculative gaze. Maybe the legendary object wasn't as intimidating as she'd originally thought, if it responded to cravings for sugar-laden breakfast foods and gossip sessions. The light blinked out.

Mercury glanced up with a frown. "Oh, what…" Her gaze shifted to Usagi's face.

"Right, sorry," Usagi said, adjusting her grip on the wand then closing her eyes again. "Let me just…" What had she been thinking about? Not chocolate chip pancakes; she'd been thinking about Naru. And Motoki. She wanted to talk to them, to both of them. She wanted to find the right words. Words that would help her go back. Words that would help her move forward.

"Okay, that's good. Just hold your focus, Usagi."

Though she wanted to look, Usagi decided not to risk it. Instead, she screwed her eyes shut and tried to block out the sounds behind her. Jupiter's low grunts. Mars and Venus's heavy breathing. Luna and Artemis's never ending instructions. The distracting noise faded from Usagi's ears with surprising swiftness, and soon all she could hear was the gentle beat of her own heart. As she listened to the calming rhythm, her tension seemed to melt away, soothed by the steady drumming within her breast. The beat was strong, the beat was sure, the beat was unwavering.

"All right, Usagi, you're doing a great job. I'd like you to try to increase your output now, but let's aim for no more than twenty five percent."

When Mercury's mathematical demands intruded upon her restful thoughts, Usagi furrowed her brow and retreated further within. She didn't want more expectations, she just wanted some peace. Some quiet. Some time to catch her breath and think, but she couldn't do that with all these interruptions. All these demands.

Everyone wanted something from her. Her time, her attention, her devotion, her obedience.

Everyone wanted her to be something. A better friend, a better student, a better daughter, a better soldier.

Everyone wanted her to give something up. Her hopes, her dreams, her past, her future.

Did no one care what she wanted?

"That's a little too much, Usagi, let's try and aim lower, all right?"

Usagi shouldn't have to aim lower. She wasn't asking for too much, she just wanted to remember what it was like to be in control of her own life. She wanted the freedom to do the things she wanted to do, when she wanted to do them. She wanted to stop getting lectured by a tiny black cat every time she decided to walk a friend home from school. She wanted everyone to realize that she was more than a miniskirt-wearing, tiara-throwing, youma-fighting superhero; she was a teenage girl too.

"Okay, Usagi, that's enough, I'm going to need you to ease up now."

It wasn't Usagi who needed to ease up, it was everyone else. If everyone would just get off of her back for a while maybe she could tame some of this chaos in her brain. But that was never going to happen so long as she had to keep dragging herself out day after day, night after night, to training sessions, Senshi meetings, youma attacks, and whatever else the enemy chose to throw at her. As long as the Dark Kingdom was a threat, Usagi would have to be Sailor Moon. And as long as she was Sailor Moon, she would never be able to be a normal girl.

Would a day ever come when Usagi could bury her transformation brooch in the back of a drawer and forget it existed?

"Usagi, can you hear me? I need you to stop now. This is getting out of hand."

Usagi wanted to stop. It was all she wanted. But she didn't know how. Nothing was going her way. No one was listening to her. Her life was spinning further and further out of her control, and she had no idea how to get a handle on it. If she could just find a way to slow it all down, to make it stop for even a moment, then she might be able to figure out how to change course. How to get herself off this disastrous path. How to change her fate.

[[Fate cannot be altered.]]

If that was true, then what hope did Usagi have? What hope did anyone have? So much depended on her right now, so many people were counting on her, but what if she wasn't able to give them what they wanted? What if she wasn't ready?

[[You will be.]]

How could Serenity be so sure?

[[I feel your desire to succeed. So long as that desire outweighs your fear, your goal will remain within reach.]]

Desire and fear. Fear and desire. So many of Usagi's desires frightened her…how could she separate one from the other when they were so inextricably linked? Only one want, one yearning, felt safe, but it was also the one thing the universe kept denying her. Kept insisting that she couldn't have. Why did all roads lead to a future that terrified her?

[[There is danger ahead, yes, but so too is there safe harbour. You could find shelter from this storm if you would but open your heart to the possibility.]]

Possibility wasn't enough, Usagi wanted certainty. She wanted confidence, not doubt. Familiar, not foreign. Ordinary, not extraordinary. She wanted to gather up the tattered threads of her old life and weave them back together. Then she wanted to wrap herself within the protective cocoon of her erstwhile existence and never come out again.

[[Even if such a thing were possible, you would eventually emerge, changed.]]

Not if she buried herself so deep that no one could find her. Not if she placed herself out of reach.

[[You would abandon those who need you?]]

Who? Who needed a liar? A coward? A failure?

[[They need you. He needs you.]]

Maybe, but for how long?

[No matter how long, it's never enough.]

What—

A violent shaking seized her attention, splintering the walls of her quiet sanctuary.

"Usagi? Usagi! Usagi, snap out of it!"

Usagi lurched forward then backward as the floor beneath her began to break apart.

"She can't hear us, Mars. Look at her forehead, she's gone again."

Usagi reached for a handhold, an anchor, but there was nothing to grasp. It was all crumbling away.

"We need to get through to her before this light gets any brighter. Someone is going to notice."

"Never mind someone noticing; if we don't stop her soon, she's going to hurt herself. Maybe all of us."

"Usagi, listen to me, you have to open your eyes."

No, not yet. She wasn't ready. She just needed a little bit longer.

[No matter how long, it's never enough.]

Arms embraced her, pulling her in against another body. Usagi cried out as the floor gave way and they tumbled down into the void.

"Usagi, wake up. Open your eyes."

Usagi shook her head.

"Usagi, please, you're scaring us."

Usagi was afraid too. Didn't they understand that?

"Don't leave us, Usagi. We can't do this without you."

She hit the ground hard enough to drive the air from her lungs. The arms enfolding her withdrew as she coughed. Hands touched her hair, her cheek, her arms and stomach, patting, soothing, clutching. When the urge to cough abated and breathing resumed, Usagi opened her eyes to the world around her.

Six sets of anxious eyes stared down at her.

"What?" she said, blinking up at them in confusion. "Didn't I do it right?"

Thank you for reading. If you're enjoying this story, please let me know.