Chapter 18: One day at a time
It had been hours since I last saw Sesshomaru. I was growing increasingly impatient and starting to worry. I wanted to know what was happening, but more than anything; I wanted to know he was alright. The maids brought me my food and new bathwater. I bathed hoping it would somewhat distract me, and calm my nerves. It didn't, and I had no interest in eating anything. I was too worried to do any of that. They complied with every request. They'd brought me everything that I needed. Except for the two things I wanted most. Which were Sesshomaru and out of this room. I was not allowed to leave this room under any circumstances. It didn't matter how hard I tried, or what I said to them. There was nothing I could do to escape the four walls. Each time a maid left my room, it seemed like one more guard was stationed outside my door. Why did I need so much security? It was the day after the gathering. I was finally out in society. Even though it had gone wrong, is that what this is about? Or was this someone else? What weren't they telling me? I'd given up and just accepted it. All I could do was watch the sunset. If this secret danger didn't kill me. My boredom surely would. Suddenly the door slid open. It was Sesshomaru. I shot up to my feet, as he stepped inside and slid the door shut behind him.
I folded my arms. "Care to explain why you've kept me here like some prisoner. I thought those days were over Sesshomaru. You can't just-"
"Pack your things," he said cutting me off.
He'd said it in his regular monotonous tone. The one he used when we'd first met. He felt cold. He felt.. distant. I dropped my arms to my sides. I stepped towards him, but the look he gave me stopped me in my tracks.
"What did you say?" I whispered.
"You need to pack your things. You can no longer stay here. I no longer want you here."
I felt my heart drop to my stomach and my chest felt tight.
I shook my head. "What? No. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's-"
"Now," he ordered.
"Sesshomaru wait. I don't understand what's going on. Why are you saying these things?"
"I no longer have any need for you. Pack your things and leave. I will not repeat myself."
"No, why are you acting like this? What's happened? What's changed? Talk to me, please!" I begged.
I took another step towards him, and he stepped away from me.
"You have served your purpose, Miko. I found a mate as they asked. I have met their requirements. I am free to do as I please. Now, you are as well. Be free. You are no longer trapped."
"Is this because of what I said that night? I don't feel trapped anymore. I thought we got past that."
My entire body was trembling.
I quickly went to him. I shoved against his chest, but he did not move. I shoved him again, adding a bit of holy energy in the palm of my hands finally pushing him back.
I could feel the rims of my eyes burning. I was trying my best not to cry and failing. I was falling apart at the seams.
"No! I do not accept this! The way you looked at me earlier today...Tell me what is happening. I need an explanation. You owe me that much! Something has changed. Why are you doing this? Everything was fine last night. We were fine."
"I owe you nothing. I have done enough for you. I have protected you. I have housed you and saved you when I did not have to. There is nothing more that you can offer me. You have served your purpose." he repeated.
I was crying now. I angrily rubbed my eyes, trying to wipe them away; but they kept coming.
You have served your purpose.
You have served your purpose.
You have served your purpose.
His words repeated in my mind over and over. My mind wandered back to when Inuyasha had said his brother had thrown me away. I didn't think there would come a day when he would be right. I was being reminded of what it felt like; that familiar feeling of my heart breaking in my chest. I grit my teeth and ball up my fists. This turned out to be another lesson learned. Kagome the silly human girl who loved too much. I grabbed my yellow pack from the wardrobe. I packed only the things I'd come here with. I made sure not to touch anything I had gotten from him. I made sure to change into my clothes. From the first night, I arrived here. he made sure to turn his back to me when I had. I finished packing and slung my pack over my shoulder. I felt gutted. I dropped my pack to the ground and took a look at him.
"That is what you're supposed to do! Your duty remember!? You what, it's fine." I lied. "If I ever see you again and I hope I never do. But if I do, I want you to know this. The next time you see me, I won't love you. I won't fight for you. Not then, not ever again. You've kept me in this gray and it's worth it anymore. You've won. I'm walking away."
I said those words, but deep in my heart I knew I didn't mean them. I just hoped I managed to hurt some part of him. I would never let a man tell me they did want me more than once; never again. He slid the balcony door open. He came over to me and grabbed my arm. he pulled me to the balcony. The white fur draped over his shoulder tripled in size. He jumped off the balcony bringing me with him. I shut my eyes waiting for the impact, but it never came. I opened my eyes, and we were floating. No, we were flying just like we had that first time. I snatched my arm from him and scooted away from him. I didn't want to be near him. This was the second time I'd let a man break my heart, and it would be the last. I'd carry this pain with me as a reminder. I stared at the trees and counted them as they went by. I would rather look anywhere else than at him. I needed to focus on something to keep my mind off what was happening. He had to know what I was feeling right now. I know he could. The fact that he could feel me and still said what he said, meant that this was all a lie. He did not care. The last few months, the time we spent together. It was all a lie. The fact that he was caused me pain and it did not affect him... he never cared to begin with. I felt like an idiot. I pushed and fought. I got close to him, I tried to understand him and change his mind. A lot of good that did. There was an ache in my chest, and my stomach was in knots, and even now; I couldn't tell what he was feeling. It made sense now. You can't feel something that isn't there. I pulled my knees to my chest. The silence between us was thick. It felt like we were strangers all over again. We flew in silence for a while, until I could see the bone eaters well below us. He lowered us down in front of it. I was starting to panic. Why were we here? Why did he not bring me back to the village? I jumped off before we could completely touch the ground. I tried to run away, but he caught me and pulled me back to the well.
"Leave. Now," he ordered.
"Screw you! You can make me leave your palace, your lands, and even your bed, but you cannot make me go home! You cannot make me leave everyone that I love behind."
"Leave," he said again.
"Or what?" I bit out.
He quickly drew his sword and pointed it at me. I stumbled backward falling on the ground. I quickly got up and brushed myself off.
"I hate you," I said teary-eyed.
"Good."
He gripped the hilt of his sword tightly, still pointing it at me. He started slowly walking towards me. I backed away from him until I was pressed up against the well. I gripped it, the splinters stabbing my hand.
No, I wouldn't let him do this to me. I wouldn't just up and leave like that. Screw him and what he wanted. Who did he think he was to order me around like that? He had no right!
I glared at him. His grip on the hilt tightened even more until his knuckles went white. While he walked towards me. I saw my chance. I took it. I erected a barrier around him. I took off past him, running as fast as my feet would take me. I had used all the strength I could. I hoped it would hold him until I got back to the village. I kept running. I would run until my feet bled if that's what it took. I didn't dare to stop. I didn't dare look over my shoulder. I was scared he would be there and drag me back to the well. I wouldn't let him. I would fight him if I had to go that far. I could see the village coming up in the distance. My lungs burned for air. I could feel myself breaking down. My body was forcing me to stop. I could see someone off in the distance. It was Sango! She was walking, carrying Hiraikotsu on her back. If I could make it to her, I would be fine. That's when I felt it. The mark on my next burned immensely. I tripped tumbling over my own feet. I landed on my pack. I looked up and saw him running towards me. I was too tired to move, I didn't make it... I had failed. A few more steps and he would get me. I closed my eyes waiting for it, but it never came. I peeked and saw him jump a few feet away. Moments later Hiraikotsu crashed in front of me. Sango came running in front of me. She plucked her weapon from the ground, ready to throw it again.
"Are you okay Kagome?" she called over her shoulder.
"Yes," I said out of breath.
She turned back to Sesshomaru. "I don't know what's going on here. It's clear Kagome does not want to go with you Sesshomaru. Turn back now."
"Stay out of our affairs slayer."
"I will do no such thing. If you take another step I will strike you down." she'd said
I stood on my feet shakily. His eyes went past Sango and landed on me. He had an intense look. It wasn't anger, but I couldn't tell what it was. The mark was going wild. I had never felt it behave like this before.
"I could easily snatch her from you," he said.
"Not without a fight." she shot back.
This time, Sesshomaru's eyes went past me. I turned around to look. it was Miroku walking up beside us. He stood beside Sango, gripping his staff.
"Lord Sesshomaru, we do not wish to fight you, but we will if we must. I do not understand what has happened, but please. Leave Lady Kagome be at least for now.
"Because if you drag her back with you, she will hate you."
His eyes landed on me again. "I will be back."
He turned on his heels and took off running. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground. They both came to my side, setting their hands on my shoulders.
"Kagome, tell me what's wrong. What happened, and why were you running from him? You two were fine the last time I saw you"
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. My body shook until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried, like a child. I screamed and balled up my fist digging my nails into my palms. They hugged me held me close, and let me get it out. For lack of a better word at the moment, I was hurt. It was worse than hurt but I couldn't find the words to explain it. So, I just cried. Mrioku took my pack from me, and Sango pulled me to my feet. I leaned on her as she walked me back to her hut. We walked inside and she sank to the other floor with me. She rubbed circles on my back.
"Kagome, talk to me." She whispered. "Please."
"I don't know what went wrong," I said quietly. This morning was fine, but something happened. I know it did. I don't know what, but whatever it was, it was enough for him to want me to leave, to send me back to my time. I tried to talk to him, but he pushed me away. He said terrible things to me... I just don't understand." I trailed off, getting choked up.
She held me tighter. "Shh, it's okay. He's a jerk. There is no explanation good enough to do this to you."
"Inuyasha was right. In the end, he threw me out. Like I meant nothing to him. Did I make it all? Was it all in my head? I thought he cared about me Sango. I - I don't know anymore."
"None of this is your fault, and the last person you should be listening to is Inuyasha. Sesshomaru hurt you. That is on him. This is his fault. You came back to us. You came home. We will always want you, and you will always have us. It will take some time, but you will get over this. I need you to understand that."
"I feel like such an idiot. Each time I fall for someone, it's never the right someone... I've never felt this way about anyone... I don't know if I will get over this Sango. I hate to say it and it makes me feel so pathetic. I wish I could just walk away from him, but we're connected for life. I never thought he would do something like this. Especially not after all the time we'd spent together. The memories-" I said clamping my mouth shut.
The memories. They would haunt me forever, worse than the mark ever would.
"Everything will be okay." She reassured.
There was no way of knowing that. I thought everything would be okay with Sesshomaru and me. Look where I ended up.
I could hear someone come inside the hut. I looked over my shoulder thinking it was Miroku, but it was Inuyasha. This overwhelming wave of shame washed over me. Seeing him now was the last thing I needed. I turned back to Sango and held onto her. I didn't want to face him.
"Inuyasha." Sango warned.
"I'm not here to fight. I just wanted to see her. To make sure she's Okay. Miroku said something happened to her."
"She is fine," Sango said sternly.
"C'mon Sango, she's my friend too."
I could feel Sagon tense up.
"Since when? Were you her friend when you spoke to her that way?" she shot back.
I sat up and sighed. "Please don't argue. It's okay, I'll talk to him."
"I'll be right outside."
She glanced at Inuyasha before she walked out. It was just us two, along with the overwhelming silence between us. We had both said hurtful things. He took a seat across from me.
"I'm sorry," he said in a small voice.
It surprised me. I wasn't expecting him to say that, not today or ever, for that matter.
"I was terrible to you. I have been terrible to you. You didn't deserve any of that. I don't even know why I did it... or why I was so angry with you, especially what I said about Sesshomaru. I should have never-"
I shrugged. "You were right," I said cutting him off.
I didn't care if he knew anymore. I didn't care about much of anything right now.
"What?"
"Long story short. Sesshomaru, he... he kicked me out this morning. He told me that 'I had served my purpose'. He even tried to force me to go back home. So, here I am." I said, keeping my eyes on the floor.
He shot up to his feet. "He said what?! That son of a bitch. I'll kill him."
I shook my head. "Don't waste your time... I don't even want to see anymore." I lied.
He exhaled deeply and sat back down.
"I didn't think he'd do something like that," he said.
"Neither did I," I said quietly.
"He's supposed to be better... better than me. I was angry that you two had gotten together, but part of me knew he'd be good to you. At least that's what I thought."
I sighed. "So did I. I guess we were both wrong."
"He's a idiot... we both are. Maybe I'm asking a stupid question. I know you're not okay, but how do ya feel?"
I took a deep breath. "I don't know how to feel. Right now, I feel numb. I don't understand. I thought..." I trailed off getting choked up again.
His ears flattened against his head. "C'mon Kagome, don't cry. Not over him."
I pulled my knees to my chest.
"You don't understand," I whispered. "This is different. I'll be mated to him forever. He'll always be able to feel me. We will always be connected. He's thrown me away but we will always have this invisible tie to each other. I'll never be able to escape him... not really. The sad thing is that part of me still wants to be close to him." I dragged my hand across my face and sighed. "How messed up is that?"
"It's not messed up. Mating is a serious thing. I've almost always been on my own. So, I don't know much about demon culture, but mating is nothing to joke about. It's two souls connected, so it makes sense that you miss him."
If I feel this way, then why doesn't he?
"I guess so." was all I said.
"Look I know you and me are not okay. I wanna change that. Y'know, maybe we could be friends again. I don't know if we can, or if it can be any time soon. I know it's my fault, but I wanna try and, even if that dick doesn't want you around. I know Sango, Mrioku, and Shippo do... I do."
I looked over at him teary-eyed.
"You mean that?"
"I do, and I'm not saying that because Sanog is outside listening to my every word," he said with a lopsided grin.
Sango popped her head back inside and I gave them a small smile.
"Thank you guys, really."
Sango smiled. "It'll be good to have you back. I know Shippo will be happy to hear that you're back too. We'll just have to take it one day at a time."
One day at a time huh? Could I actually do it?