Chapter 19: Acceptance?

AN: Sorry for the delay. I'm a mom with a job and in school. I'll try to update more regularly.

I had only been there for one night. It wasn't uncomfortable or anything like that. I mean, it shouldn't have been. I have lived here for years. I knew the land, and I knew the people. It's just that I had gotten used to being in the palace, the guard, the maid... I'd gotten so used to him. The life we started together. It was nothing I had envisioned for my future, but I grew to love it. I missed it, but it had been snatched away by a few simple words. Snatched away like a rug had been pulled out from underneath me. Rouch, quick, and violent. He'd woken me up from that dream life and dropped me back into reality. I was fine with my life before... to be introduced to this life, this feeling. Then, one day, just take it away. It was cruel. I lay flat out on the mat and stared at the ceiling. I was staying in this hut alone, and I was grateful for that. The last thing I wanted was to be living with other people while being pathetic like this. Sango and Miroku offered to let me live with them, but I respectfully declined. I needed them right now, but I also needed space. They loved me, and they always would. I loved them too, but I knew myself. I would get overwhelmed. A small part of me felt like I would even get a little jealous of the pair, and they didn't deserve that. Love is a great thing, but when it's not from the person you want... It's a little different. I felt ungrateful for it. Part of me wondered if she'd read the room. She said she'd be sending Shippo to see me today. That was something for me to look forward to. Later, we could visit Kaede since I hadn't seen her in a while. I realized what I was doing. I was trying to keep myself busy. So I wouldn't have to think or feel. I just wanted to be distracted. Anything that reminded me of him, I planned to steer clear of. I knew it would be easier said than done because how can you escape your head and heart? Still, I would keep myself busy every day if that was what it took.

"At least I don't have responsibilities anymore. I can do this." I said out loud.

I was just trying to make myself feel better.

I sighed. "Who the hell am I kidding? All that crap is easier said than done."

I turned and looked over at my pack sitting in the corner. I hadn't unpacked anything yet. I bit the inside of my cheek, and deep down, I knew why.

Part of me is waiting - no, I was hoping he would waltz in here. Get on his knees, grovel, and tell me what a mistake he made. Then he'd beg me to come back... but I knew better than that.

I took a deep breath. "Come on, Kagome, get up. Don't just stay here being pitiful. You have to move, otherwise, you'll do nothing but think about him."

I rolled over onto my side and sat up. I grabbed the clothes Sango had left for me. I slipped on my shoes and headed for the spring. It was still early, so there wasn't anyone out yet. They were probably still getting ready for the day. I slowly walked to the spring, enjoying the silence. I thought it would drive me crazy, but the sounds of nature were serene. I hummed a tune while I purposely kicked up dirt. I reached the spring in no time. There were a few in the area, but this was my favorite. I hadn't even told Sango about it. I put my clean clothes on a rock and stripped off the dirty ones. I walked into the water and melted. I sank under the water for a few seconds, just floating there.

I missed this. Had this been the palace, I would have never been able to do something like this.

I came up for air and relaxed against one of the rocks. I looked up at the sky and just watched the clouds.

"Was him letting me go a good thing?" I quietly asked myself.

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek.

Lying to myself wasn't going to work.

"I - found - you," she said in a sing-song voice.

I turned around and saw Sango standing there. She had clothes in her hands, too.

"Sango, what are you doing here? I thought this was my special place," I said, turning around.

I quickly splashed water on my face, but knowing Sango, she'd already picked up on it. She smiled. "You couldn't keep this place a secret from me. I went to the hut, but you weren't there. I figured you might be in a hot spring somewhere. The problem was figuring out which one. I thought the smartest thing to do was to check the spring where no one would be, and here you are."

A few minutes later, I could hear her coming into the water. She sat beside me and bumped her shoulder to mine.

"I saw you crying, you know."

I gave her a sad smile. "Yeah, I figured. I could never really hide anything from you, could I?"

"You're my sister. I know how you are. You don't have to be so strong all the time. Not when it's just you and me," she reassured.

I shrugged. "You warned me about him, and I didn't listen. Now look at me."

"What I said is not important. I want to know how you feel."

I took a deep breath. I balled up my fists and dug my nails into my palms. I tried to focus on that pain in my hands. While trying to ignore the pain in my heart.

"To put it plainly, I'm hurt. More like I'm devastated. The man I loved the most broke me. With the same hands, he promised to protect me. I will always carry that with me. I want to move on, but I know it's too soon because it's still fresh in my mind, and it just happened. Even when I try to put it away. It's sitting in the back of my mind, permanently etched into my memory. Every harsh word and every cold glance. It'll always haunt me. No matter how much I try to ignore it. There's this empty feeling in my chest... and I know he can feel it. He's always been able to feel my emotions. I guess that adds insult to injury. He threw me away like that, and he can feel how heartbroken I am. It makes me feel pathetic."

"Because you still love him?"

I nodded. "I should hate him but..." I said, trailing off.

"But you don't."

I laughed, and it was a bitter one.

"Did you know I didn't unpack because I wanted to wait to see if he would come back? That is the pathetic part about it. To want someone even after they did something like that to you. It's like I'm broken or something. Why do I always get treated like this?" I threw my hands up in the air." If anything, ignore me... that would have hurt less than what he did."

"Kagome, that's normal. You spent such a long time with him. You went into this thing hoping to survive. You didn't expect to fall for him, but you did, and that's okay. It's normal to develop feelings when you spend that much time with someone. Especially because you two mated. You should be angry with yourself because you have a heart, Kagome. It's one of the best things about you. It's a privilege to love and to be loved by you. Sesshomaru could count his lucky stars for having been with you. He's an idiot for doing what he did to you. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious about what caused him to switch. But like I said before, there is no excuse."

I sight. "I hate love. It ruins you." I said, scowling.

She laughed. "No, it does not. You're sour now, but there are two ways this can go. You'll open your heart to love again one day. To someone else. Or you and Sesshomaru will overcome all of this."

"Overcome?" I scoffed. "You are very optimistic."

"You will feel better," she said matter of factly.

"Yeah, when will that be?"

She laughed. "It might not be today or tomorrow. It might not be anytime soon, but it will happen. I know that for sure," she said, smiling at me.

I hoped she was right.

Sango made sure to keep me busy. We helped some villagers with trivial things, and I helped repair, plant, and clean. Shippo introduced me to his new friends. We even spent time with Kaede. I did anything I could. Still, it wasn't enough—not that I expected it to be. I did expect it to do something. No, it did something. It reminded me that that was no longer my life, and it burned, but I held it in. I put on a smile. I didn't cry. I played with the children. I had a conversation I didn't want to have. I held it together. I was finally on my way back to my hut. I was tired, but it had nothing to do with what I had done today. It was dark. It'd be pitch black if it weren't for the few torches lit here and there. Part of me was ready to go back. So I could hide from the world. Meanwhile, the other half didn't want to be alone, because if I was. It'd be just me and my thoughts. I thought about what my mom had said.

"If he breaks your heart. Don't hesitate to come home, you hear me? We will be here waiting for you with open arms."

"I should visit home again. Maybe that's what I need," I mumbled to myself.

I trudged into my hut. It had been a long walk, and now I was tired. I lived a ways away from the village, I didn't mind it. There were only a few other huts close to me, so I guess it was Ideal. I went inside and threw myself onto my mat. I could already feel my eyes getting heavy.

Maybe tomorrow would be better.