Chapter 10 - I want to live
I feel your breath upon my neck
A soft caress as cold as death (Cold as death)
I didn't know you well back then
I blame it all on luck and vain (Luck and vain)
Your blood like wine, I wanted in
Oh darling, get me drunk and make me feel
It's not my fault
I'm not to blame
These ain't my sins
I broke my chains
There's more to do
And I still want to live
I feel your breath, upon my neck
A soft caress, as cold as death (Cold as death)
I feel your heart-beat in my soul
Our futures bound, our bodies know (Bodies know)
Your blood like wine, I wanted in
Oh darling get me drunk, invite me in
It's not my fault
I'm not to blame
Thesе ain't my sins
I broke my chains
There's morе to do
If I can only live
I can't go yet
Don't let me die
I'll never stop
Until I'm done
But just tonight
Maybe I'll rest in peace
I feel your breath upon my neck
A soft caress as cold as death (Cold as death)
I hear your heart-beat in my soul
Our endings bound, our bodies know
I can't go yet
Don't let me die
I want to live
My only one
There's more to do, if we can only live
The clock won't stop and this is what we get
Borislav Slavov feat. Ilona Ivanova, "I want to live", Baldur's Gate 3, Original Soundtrack, rel. 2023, developed and published by Larian Studios
Livia could feel Ana dreading the evenings and full rests that were coming with them, but before it came to be, they had another visit from the freak.
Okay, that doesn't reasonably narrow down anything, I can concede that.
Sceleritas Fel showed up.
With an absolute shock, Livia realized the human inside her was full on panic-sweating.
You don't realize what the illithid confirmed for me, the girl mumbled.
What did he confirm?
This is objectively the biggest threat slash problem in this entire journey. What Sceleritas represents, whatever it is, I want you to take this more seriously than Absolute, you hear me?
…that's it? You don't know anything else? Livia asked, surprised.
… Nothing more. Liv could feel her honesty, tremors and impatiently, Ana opened her mind wider to let the tiefling browse through - the girl had a label in their mind, of "the only thing to be truly afraid of outside of my mind and body".
The muddled information looked like the girl battled this, or nearly identical threat in her life before, and that's why she treated this so seriously. Livia watched the memory of the conversation with the fucking mind flayer liar from the Prism, while Sceleritas spoke how Isobel was too sweet to live.
Livia recalled how much problem it was to defend the stupid cleric from being taken or killed. Ana kept repeating in her mind words: F5, F8, but was seething after a while, and was so legitimately homicidal, when it came to the fucking Markus, that eventually they successfully defended sweet Isobel from being sweetly kidnapped.
Again, if she ever doubted the girl's stories, she couldn't doubt them now. Ana told her what they're avoiding and they failed the first time, the image replayed exactly as Ana showed it, before it actually happened in this line.
She could view the memory of Markus' shoes, and then him, as he carried unconscious Isobel in his arms, and then took to the sky. The one they let happen and then employed the fucking save files for - what the fuck even is that and why did only Ana have that incredible power! - and eventually they managed to stop the kidnapping from coming to be.
Fucking say what you want, but some tropes never get old and they're always erotic. And though Markus was disgusting, this was one of them.
As Sceleritas explained Isobel was too sweet to live, she felt Ana's genuine outrage at this.
Absolutely not. If she dies or is taken, the protection over the Inn falls and this fight is absolutely unmanageable, I never was able to live through it, never once could do it. I don't care what he wants, this is just too much. Ana proclaimed.
The entire time, they were watching body language of the strange creature and Livia felt this was a an inhuman missive, a messenger, this creature that called her "Master", on behalf of something much greater. Ana openly hissed, and for the first time, Livia could see the girl's lip corner rise, expose some teeth, as she slowly went into growling.
The human didn't like it when anyone interrupted her plan for how shit is to be done, and now Sceleritas pissed her off. She had a straight line and deviations were allowed within specific spaces and nowhere else.
I don't think he can be killed, Livia said, didn't know why she felt this way instinctively. Normally, they would kill him and if he respawns, whatever, but this time, they were both afraid the respawned Sceleritas would punish them for the attempt where it would hurt, so they held themselves in check.
They went through the shadowlands, enjoying the beauty of them, fighting specters, trying to unravel the mystery, Moonrise Towers were just almost there, and Livia could feel the girl's trepidation. It wasn't Ketheric she was afraid of, oh no.
There was a drow there, and for some reason the human was scared of the interaction that had to happen with the drow.
But before it came to be, something else happened.
"He is so afraid. So, so afraid, of everyone, besides you, who he ought to fear most." Sceleritas Fel, say whatever you want about him, was not stupid.
Ana was shaking like a leaf inside their body. He is right, she said, somehow saving, somehow finding purchase and paying attention with every cell in hell body, while also holding self-control with every cell in her body.
Livia woke up a second after the fucker opened his mouth, and shared in the trepidation, though not to the humans' extent. But the fact Sceleritas just looked at Astarion, and spoke of him, noticed his existence, filled the human with greater terror than anything she ever felt from the girl. It was comparable only to very old memories in the girl's mind, and maybe not even those.
It was such pure terror, her mind was cracking, tiny cracks spreading over the structures, to Livia's horror.
"You could do so much better, milady!" Sceleritas opined.
"Get away from him." Ana said with Livia's mouth and Livia felt… power. Not magical, but power nonetheless. She could feel the human activating herself, systems that were dormant awakening, becoming more alive with every second, and every sliver of that energy would be dedicated to be a shield if it came to.
"I won't lay so much as a talon on him! I wouldn't rob you of that delight!"
Livia tried her best to put her hand on Ana's shoulder, mentally speaking, as the girl was strong, but fear was almost breaking her, terror almost made her unable to think at all, if she got any more scared, her mind would shatter.
"Your clever mind is penning tragedy, as we speak, your repressed Urge yearns to kill, and kill you will, tonight, the moment you close your eyes your favorite person will be brutalized." Sceleritas told.
That was definitely Astarion, but Livia felt true power, when Ana said inside of them: no. Worst case scenario, she felt the girl think, this is where the journey ends, the story stops, like in a spell, but his death will not come to pass, even if it means stopping time completely and journey never progressing from this point on, stopped in amber.
But it would still lead to this moment, strands had a way of reasserting themselves, even if I somehow restarted the whole thing, this would come to pass, too. Worst case scenario, start from the start and romance literally anyone else, but that is still someone a lamb for slaughter, Livia heard the girl think. So that's not a solution. I will not fail here, no matter the cost.
"You've judged my affections wrongly, I am much closer to Gale."
Just like that, the girl would slit his throat in his sleep, without one moment of sadness, and fuck, Livia was almost impressed and completely shocked. Come on, Astarion was absolutely not good enough to justify this insane response!
Ana managed to say the words about the wizard with some amount of contempt towards Sceleritas' poor perception skills, her acting trembly, but good enough to convince still.
"It is my duty to ensure you're making the right decisions, Master! There was much disappointment at your reluctance to kill the little Moonmaiden."
Liviana was shocked, seriously, this is from this angle?!
"You could kill this one deliberately, I am sure it will be considered a great show of good will! The tithe could still be yours…"
At this moment Livia managed another private thought Ana couldn't hear. Sceleritas didn't know that, but whatever the fuck was behind him, had it's days numbered. Even if Ana could be offered power over entire Faerún, being pressed offended her, and being pressed about the vampire literally made her someone Livia could be legitimately afraid of.
It was no longer about the vampire, the moment this was explained, from this moment on, the vampire was just a boon in this fight. It was about showing the power behind Sceleritas, whoever it was, even if it would be Jergal himself, that Liviana would not be leveraged using her vulnerability. Using love against her was literally the quickest way of marking self for destruction.
For every village I impale, ten are saved by their own terror of me, Ana thought.
Because the only way to truly show love the respect it deserved, was to lay on its altar the offering of never acting too soft to protect it. And if you killed with enough creative cruelty, maybe enemies would be forewarned, and others you love won't even receive the threat.
Livia noted that… Ana just thought about love, as if it was a deity she reluctantly paid offerings to, because she had immutable proof it was real and all-powerful, and she sort of agreed with some aspects of it…
Whatever decisions Livia would make on this, Ana would override them, the insult made to her so grave, there was no way around it. She was thinking and feeling on several levels, and this was what was taking place on the surface, the decision leading. Ana simply thought folks who used your vulnerability against you, made a threat once at your love, had to go at the highest priority, because she would never allow herself to be the reason someone she loved got hurt. The moment Sceleritas pressed her about Astarion, it stopped being about Astarion, and was now about principles that were more the core of the girl than her bones and blood.
"I do not doubt you will act with the decorum befitting one of your rank - goodnight, sweet lady!" Sceleritas said, as he disappeared.
Livia felt the girl's determination and thought nothing more will surprise the fuck out of her tonight.
Chapter 11 - Kiedy powiem sobie dość
When you shared mind and body, able to traverse memories and mental structures the other couldn't see about themselves, it was uncommon for the two of you to share an awkward silence. It could happen, but it was rare.
What was even more rare, was for any one of these two mouthy women to be stunned speechless.
And if they both were stunned speechless at the same time, for the same reason, it truly was an image worthy of a picture.
Livia was sitting in front of the fire, staring at it. It was morning, after a very, very hard night.
She was speechless.
Her stowaway was speechless, too. Completely.
Livia focused on the flames. Cleared her throat, but spoke only inside her own mind.
When you refused to let me kill Isobel…
I had no idea it would have consequences. Full honesty, wooden voice. Shell-shocked, even.
When you woke in my mind today, hours ago… Because Butler showed up and was walking around Astarion's body… And you started to scream like a maniac at me, I am to slit my own throat before I touch a single fucking curly hair on that head…
I had no idea. Dead, hollow, no emotion voice.
How did you know Butler won't hurt him on his own? Livia asked.
I didn't. Like you felt, I was watching him, but it soon became clear the point is for us to hurt him, and I am not sure if Butler can be killed. He had to be convinced to go away on his own, like he did. Thus the lie about Gale, too… The voice was wooden.
When you pushed me to tell Astarion the truth about everything we know, so he can decide to leave, kill us, whatever…
I had no idea how he will act. The stowaway's voice was… without any intonation. For the first time ever. They were both… speechless.
Livia recalled what happened, again. The urge to squeeze her hands on the vampire's throat… Feel the trachea break into tiny pretty, bonesy pieces… Almost an erotic thrill to know shards of bone would spread and cut flesh from the inside… He would swallow his own bone shards and they would cut the esophagus and digestive tract from within…
And the way Ana started to scream, howl inside of her, for the first time in a high, panicked voice. How they both fought for control, though motivated differently. Livia tried to calm the other one down: she had no desire to just murder the vampire for no good reason - it was an unexplainable, and therefore stupid, and an insulting loss of control. And the other… and the other relented… But for the first time ever Livia could actually perceive… The other's hold. Ana put a lot of effort into ensuring Livia never felt violated or encumbered with her presence, thoughts, opinions. It was never like an unwanted visitor who overstayed their welcome, at worst it was an angel sitting on her shoulder and making snarky, sarcastic and unwanted comments.
But even when Livia clarified, she had no desire to acquiesce to this weirdo's Sceleritas words and desires - and for they shared a mind Ana could feel her genuine honesty… She could, for the first time, perceive the woman, with her hands shaking, a millimeter right above the steering wheel, so to speak. Livia realized, even if she had been willing to sacrifice Astarion, it wouldn't have happened. The desperation, the scream, was insane. It became very obvious that the stowaway, if Livia lost control and went for Astarion anyway, as it happened without their awareness with Alfira, was willing to step in instantly.
And if she determined she would fail to control the body sufficiently, there was a risk greater than zero, she would slit our throat, Livia comprehended, shocked. She was that horrified, because she was afraid, in a moment they will both be only observers from the body, incapacitated and watching as their own hands murder the vampire savagely. That's what happened with Alfira, though without the viewing. The possibility it would repeat with Astarion, filled the human with such terror, Livia could feel the plans. The human mentally put a line somewhere between them, and the vampire's bedroll, and if they would get past it, she would use the last of their control to slit their throat, not even waiting for possibility they would claim their agency back in moments.
It did not come to pass. The night passed sweating, painfully… but bloodlessly.
But now they were both speechless.
Livia tried to think.
Tell me the truth.
The other swallowed nervously.
When the Butler demanded we kill Isobel, you categorically said it's not happening.
Yes.
I argued what's the harm, who cares. You reminded me what happened, when we failed to save Isobel from Marcus, and said to me that if Isobel dies, the protection over the Last Light Inn falls and everyone, Jaheira included, fall to the Shadow Curse, and it's super fucking hard to make it out of this battle alive, because there are, like, fifty fucking Harpers gunning for you. And even if, just fucking no.
Yes.
If you had known… Today, when the Butler spoke, you directed me without a second to point out he was wrong, and it was Gale we have gotten close to. You instantly… I could feel the decision, were willing to snap the wizard's neck if it saved the vampire…
The other swallowed again. Instantly, she confirmed, nodded.
If you had known… that not killing Isobel would lead to the possibility of Astarion being in danger…
Yes. I would have killed Isobel. The other admitted, voice still wooden. But calmer.
As she clarified that, Livia could feel… Grief, but not for a person, but… love? As if overly sweet Isobel had a lover somewhere and her death made it impossible to reunite them?
Why. Livia hissed.
You are just as shocked by his behavior that night as I am, Livia continued. Why is he so precious to you.
Livia was hissing at the other woman, but she didn't dare to imply a threat: tell me or I will hurt him. This stowaway was unhinged enough, the threat alone would make her take control - Livia still didn't understand how the other could just take over like it was nothing, but she could - and remove the threat entirely, by killing her. Both of them. When the vampire was concerned, clearly there were no holds barred.
He… Deserves to live.
So does the wizard. You kissed him, you used my body to touch the Weave with him fucking yesterday… I felt your tenderness and intense desire of a decision made: you're sure it can be done, the source of the Absolute can be defeated, without detonating his orb. And yet you were willing to sacrifice him in a second. What is the vampire to you?
The other one swallowed.
I don't know, okay?
And… Livia realized with surprise she carefully hid, that was the truth. Sure, the woman cared about the vampire and wanted him happy, healthy and free, with delicious blood, intelligent and willing, staining his teeth. But she herself wasn't sure why her reactions were that insane.
Livia looked closer… And realized the other woman was just as shocked - and let's be honest, seduced - by the vampire's last night's behavior as herself - but that wasn't the only thing that surprised her.
They were both shocked.
The selfish, self-serving, utterly pragmatic, cruel and temperamental, when it came to saving anyone other than himself vampire… Came through so incredibly it blew the mind.
As soon as Ana literally took over Livia's arm, for in her opinion Livia wasn't moving fast enough, to shake the vampire awake, he opened his eyes and asked, if she was looking for a cuddle.
He had no fucking idea, this body he thoroughly enjoyed several times had two women inside of it. Ana disappeared, never stayed for sex. Those were the only moments she truly disappeared completely from Livia's consciousness, as if she never was there in the first place. She didn't participate, watch or view the memories of them fucking after they were done, when she returned to Livia.
At times Livia could almost feel… desire from the woman, for Astarion, but… It was faint. Really faint. There was a detached appreciation, of course, that the vampire had a body like a sin and knew had to use it, wasn't stupid and was a good companion. But other than those reactions in some moments, there was no indication that the vampire truly stood out to her over others. Initially, maybe, as Livia received a warning about him biting and request to let him and not let the hunter take him and blabla… But as time passed and other companions joined, Livia understood this girl cared about everyone, wanted everyone comfortable, safe, happy, fed and rescued in a very calm, pragmatic way. As she observed human's decisions and interactions, Livia was forced to understand the girl cared about everyone, it showed from the fighting style to the camp, to strangers, to the cub and the dog and finally, the tiefling she body-shared with herself.
She felt true pleasure every time she beheld the druid, Livia noticed. When the druid was around or it came to interacting with him, Ana felt pure pleasure and sort of a buttery melting… But could discard it immediately, if something else came up, take it off like a cape and move on. The emotions of bliss and unconditional appreciation were there for Halsin, and Halsin only. But also completely easily abandoned by her.
About vampire she thought in most realistic terms. She and Livia judged him very similarly. That he was physically weak, sneaky and cruel, a good manipulator and a good fighter at the moment, but if the fighting was to get harder in the future, he would be useless. That he was self-serving, not interested in helping others, and was so used to using his body as a tool of manipulation, it was literally hard to communicate with him through that. That he could be a complete asshole, buffoon and a moron. That he had a temper he barely controlled, and in some areas, acted irrationally without being able to think calmly. And thinking calmly was his best feature, even over his body, so he lost a lot without it. All that Ana agreed with, so she clearly didn't see the vampire as special!
She again, saw druid as special. So special she refused to share in Livia's gaze when druid's shirt was removed once or twice and those insane muscles were on display. As Livia was busy purring, nosebleeding, and waving a small flag with a number "10!" on it, Ana shyly looked away, unwilling to objectify the shapeshifter. If there was any sexual longing, it was again, for. the. fucking. druid! But it wasn't what Livia would want from him, no. Livia would want stamina, size and hard fucking. Ana wanted eye contact, skin on skin and resting her head on his chest and forehead kisses. And she would've liked the druid, even if he wasn't built like an oak!
And all of that fell apart… the moment the vampire was threatened.
I… I would've always fought to make sure everybody lives. Both Isobel and Astarion. But if you are forcing me… Yes, had there been absolutely no other path, I would choose vampire's life over cleric's.
Livia thought for a moment.
What about the druid.
The other swallowed. Livia felt… darkness. The other felt… just her usual darkness as she responded: Same.
Livia felt her eyes get huge.
Just to clarify: you would kill Halsin to save Astarion.
…Yes.
This time, the word was strong and calm. And final.
I don't understand you.
I know, came quiet answer.
Do you understand yourself?! Livia asked.
…Yes. Yes, if I focus I can see in my own motivations why like this and not in another way.
But she won't share with me. Again. And Ana could not be navigated freely. If she was a library, it was a gigantic, five floors round structure, every book was identical. The size, thickness, every cover navy, just identical. There was no writing on the covers, anywhere. To learn shit, you had to go through every single one of them, every page, to even know what you were looking at you had to open one. If Ana beheld her own library she seemed to… know. Magically. The books looked all the same, but whatever she would want to see, she just… reached for one book, not standing out amongst the other, swallowed nervously in preparation and ta-daah, this was whatever she wanted to check.
And Livia checked and discarded first the most obvious possibility, the girl was so done for the vampire, because they were both thoroughly mutilated by sexual abuse, to the core of their souls. But Livia checked and touched that first, this was maybe the only easily identifiable mental structure in Ana, that she was maimed by rape, although her and the vampire experienced it from two completely different angles. Astarion got on his back literally thousands of times, he picked his victims, but had to be picking them. Ana, on the other hand, had one sexual partner, slept with him maybe at most, thirty times in total, was attacked, groped, accosted, molested many times as a child and adult, but raped only by this one man and she was groomed into it.
She thought she was consenting, when she went into this man's bed. She was groomed.
When a textbook reaction of being raped by a stranger followed immediately, because her body knew the truth of what just transpired… The human assumed the sex triggered trauma caused by what happened, because so much happened, before the man she was in love with. Took her three years to connect the dots, and she didn't aim for it, but just… there never was a second sexual partner, it just never came to be. Livia knew that in some cultures definition, human was a virgin - never gave herself through true free informed choice, so…
But it was instantly obvious: the sexual assault was not an identificator that caused Ana to identify herself with a vampire, and therefore afford him special treatment. She did spot similarities between them. But what Livia could barely identify, said that the girl gave Astarion such special treatment not because of their similarities, but because of the differences between them, and at this point the image completely stopped making any sense to Livia, and Ana refused to elaborate in such a tone, she was legitimately dreading making the girl that pissed off by prying again.
Livia's memories were lost - Ana could feel their shape, not view them. Ana had memories she refused to view herself, she could, but wouldn't- Livia did view through them laboriously whenever she had time to spare during the first month… And eventually uncovered the secrets of the stowaway, enough to have a picture. It made her… almost feel sorry for the woman, something Livia was not used to feeling. She had plans to, but once she knew, she didn't make a single mean joke or a jab at the girl using the knowledge she gained. Just… no.
Livia had to think actively, and hard, to differentiate structures, emotions and complexities of thoughts of both of them. Ana swam in the ocean of their minds freely. Then again what Livia uncovered about her explained that, too.
If she wanted to take over Livia, she could do so at any moment. Livia's autonomy was something she gave, because she disagreed with using others like objects, if there was another path. It remained unclear if she could control Livia like a meat puppet because of some other unknown factors, or through sheer mental power. Livia comprehended it could be either of those. And that power… it would expend no energy, even if the girl decided to never let Livia have another autonomous thought, and Livia spend her entire days fighting back. But again no surprise there, if you had experiences like this mortal, you either broke or became iron.
So it was no problem for her to see her own structures -but not make them visible to Livia. Livia's every thought and processed emotion were automatically shared with Ana, just because they shared a mind. Livia learned a lot since the day Nautiloid crashed, but only now she truly appreciated the sheer scope of knowledge that could be had. When she woke up and they discussed Ana's presence and her skills and abilities, Livia assumed it will take a month, at most, to learn everything this human knew and replicate it. Now, several weeks later, she was forced to understand: if she thought that minds had three dimensions, they had nine. And those dimensions interacted, multiplied, worked with each other, or refused to work with each other. Ana navigated it after a second of thought. Livia couldn't tell up from down.
You're learning very fast and very well. Came quiet response. And it was honest. It contained additional unspoken information: the sheer volume of data is utterly insane. This takes years of working every single day. You're consuming and learning it literally almost as fast as it's possible, it's almost impossible for anyone to do it any quicker, or better, than you did. There just is that much.
Livia considered carefully. What she said next, she never would've said in her old life, she felt, but it felt… not like a sacrifice at all to say it now.
Do you want me to stop sleeping with the vampire.
The other swallowed.
Do you want to stop sleeping with the vampire? She asked.
But again, mind-sharing changed the rules a normal conversation would have. The moment Ana asked, Livia felt her own response, mental flavor and explanation of it and thus, it was all shared with the stowaway.
No. And after what I have just experienced… Now I am really curious about him.
Was the response that didn't have to be spoken.
The other swallowed.
Then please, continue.
You're not… jealous?
In a rare moment, it was Livia's turn to have insight into the mind of the stowaway for free: a tired exhale, weary as death. I am, very much. And it cannot matter. This relationship… it's important, not just personally to both of them. This must be supported, its bloom encouraged, my personal feelings irrelevant. It's important this continues, because I never in my wildest dreams thought Astarion would ever behave like this, if shit hit the fan. So it's obvious it's the Dark Urge that's influencing his decisions, and this is as much his journey, as it's Livia's, so regardless of my personal feelings, these two must be allowed to explore it, it must continue. It must be known, whether Astarion is capable of acting like he did this night again, or on a regular basis.
I see, exhaled Livia, with relief.
And then her relief disappeared as a question appeared, sunk in her gut like a stone: Oh god… Will we… Compete for the vampire?
She would, for some reason, hate that. It was a weird discovery she didn't want to any longer hurt that stowaway. Felt no desire to murder her, maim or manipulate her, or destroy her mind.
And even if her and Astarion could be, would be, a happy couple, even for some time, it brought her no joy, only sorrow, to even consider Ana would have to experience that, trapped as she was in Livia's body.
But I will be watching carefully. She said. He doesn't know about my presence and this changes everything. You cannot pull him into a relationship without him knowing about me, and him making an informed decision.
Even now… the girl was thinking about the vampire.
Didn't make sense.
So… Do you love him?
Stupid question. Of course she loved him. Question was: how did she love him? What did she want from him?
I… would be most grateful if you continued feeding him. I noticed sex pushed you to feed him every day, and I am really glad. Secondly, as we're moving in this quest, you need to make several allowances for me to intervene in some decisions, just because they're connected to him.
The scars and Raphael, Livia thought.
Yes. And of course, it matters to me that you do bring his master down and not hurt him in the process in any way.
"And not hurt him in the process in any way." How could he be hurt in bringing down his master? Other than the obvious? Why was taking over the Ascension so bad for the vampire, other that it was a sham?
But that would happen in Baldur's Gate and at the moment, that seemed to be as far away as the next century. Livia felt like it would be decades before they make it to the city.
Yes, but what do you want for yourself, from him? Livia focused and asked.
Shrug. Mental shrug. I want him to be free. I want him freed, fed and happy.
And his balls empty? Livia asked. Emptied by me or you or anyone else?
The other groaned something unintelligible in response and Livia had to concede, this was all she would learn today.
With this out of the way, she went back to the memory of what just transpired.
The moment she opened her eyes and Sceleritas was there… What she felt like when the vampire asked her if she was looking for a cuddle, his face and voice all sleepy. What she felt like when he tied her successfully (how did he manage that?! She was ten times stronger than him?) and when she heard the things he spoke…
"Easy now, darling. This thing… It won't have you. You've got this. And I've got you."
For the lack of a less humiliating term… both women swooned.
When Livia tried to bite him, he fucking reacted like it wasn't a threat. "Ah ah ah, we ask before we bite."
And this one. "You're cute, you know. In another life, we might have been friends."
But what he said when dawn came… When she for once, joined with Ana in identical emotion and sobbed and told him everything… His reaction was worth everything. Livia couldn't remember if she ever felt so supported… and the other one felt identical! Waves of relief, gratitude, shock, being impressed, flowed from them both equally to Astarion.
"You are not alone in this. None of us are. We can even compare notes if you like."
Liviana wasn't that surprised by this attitude, but what he said next…
"But whatever this is, you will get through it. And I will be here, to make sure you do. Anyway, it's a brand-new day. I am sure we'll find lots of people for you to kill."
Even now, as she touched those memories, she could feel Ana's jealousy and grinding teeth, the words were meant for Livia, not Ana. And she was soaking them up in the replay of the memory same as Livia was: like the desert soaking up the rain.
Now Livia really wanted the vampire. But suddenly seeing Ana hurt and suffering, jealous, and forced to watch her with Astarion… felt no satisfaction at all. On the contrary, it made Livia feel sorrow, and made her try to think how to find a way out of this, that pleased everyone, and didn't hurt anyone.
Ana sighed.
I am proud of you.
Livia was surprised both by words, and her own reaction: she liked the praise, it was a genuine accomplishment to make that woman impressed with anything. And she never used praise like treats or played games. And if she praised or criticized, Livia had straight access to the entire reasoning, the whole judgement, feedback from top to bottom, explaining why she thought that.
You did well. Not only you controlled yourself, you're changing. And you're not forcing the change. Your mind is opening to new paths of thinking. This is no easy feat.
Again, because this was a mind-sharing, the last one carried a load of information Livia unpacked. It was a bunch of observations from her world, of real living people who strived with their whole identities, and failed to make even a tiny bit of a result Livia accomplished. It put into perspective that whatever Livia thought about herself, apparently this really wasn't easy to do, and to do it so well was incredible.
That's right.
Pure honesty. No petting on the head "good girl", no patronizing, no encouragement, just agreement. Livia realized maybe this was why. Ana respected her. Disagreed with her, but respected her truly. She openly showed Livia from the start the changes in behavior she wanted to see in her, but she didn't want it forced, bribed, blindly agreed on. If she forced and threatened, there was no subterfuge. And she didn't want to be admired in return, to be the only guide and truth and authority. She just wanted Livia to give things true consideration, once she had the full view of facts in an extended frame of reality. She provided all patience for consideration, facts and extended frame she pointed out if Livia didn't see it herself or saw wrong. But she made no choices for Livia and never patronized her, even if they disagreed. Livia's choices were respected. And if Ana had any hard boundaries that would make her take control immediately: like not hurting the vampire and not killing anyone else other than Alfira and such, she communicated them hard and never spoke empty threats. This was someone Livia could work with. She almost felt sometimes like Ana was someone Livia would've loved to have as her right hand in her previous life, but no other information was forthcoming.
The information lost about your life remains to me as it is you. Now that I know you better, it's easier to discern the mental structures, but there is no new information that I could share with you.
And she never, ever, played games with Livia. There wasn't any "oh do this for me and I will reveal something about you you want to, but don't know". She just told, instantly. Livia wanted to, but it was hard to use, disrespect or dismiss the stowaway's emotions, perceptions and even vulnerabilities. They simply really were cooperating, they were partners.
Livia wondered how things would look like, if Ana wouldn't be able to take control from her at any point in time, but she was pretty sure it wouldn't change that much. The girl interfered as little as possible in Livia's choices, preferring to simply share her own calculations of the best way to do things, and see if Livia agreed. Livia agreed almost always. The girl was so fucking pragmatic and non delusional. She knew saving people was an additional effort, that gave you nothing in return. She knew everyone you saved, could later turn out to stab you in the back. She didn't throw any of these silly arguments about people being important or that they wouldn't do that or that people were essentially good… She argued, we save them anyway. Because we have allies then maybe. Because I asked you nicely, Liv. Because it's you do it, or I will do so.
A few times when Livia disagreed and pointed something out… Ana agreed with Livia her idea was better and they went with what Livia came up with.
So Livia truly wanted to avoid a situation they were right now walking into: when they both longed for the vampire, but only one could have him.
They couldn't separate as of right now, and Ana wasn't willing to make Livia play second fiddle in her own body and mind, not even for love and relationship, not even with her consent and cooperation.
So Livia truly planned to use the stowaway like a fast food napkin and then discard her… But honestly, the other-planer was growing on her more with every single interaction. Even now, when they were in an obvious conflict.
Not to mention Ana declined to do something Livia expected: there were no arguments: "I love him more, I love him better, you suck his dick badly, you don't want to feed him as often as I would, blablabla." None of this took place. Only the hard rules laid from the beginning about not using the vampire, not manipulating him, not taking his choices from him. Livia knew if she tried to progress a relationship with Astarion to a point of intimacy, where certain level of trust should be expected and she wouldn't have told Astarion that she has a stowaway… or betrayed him in any other way… Ana would have calmly stopped that development before it came to, without retribution or temper tantrums. Informed choices… and his choices.
The only thing that truly matters, Ana whispered, is his choice and that his choice is informed and free. She said with a little shrug. Fries, my dear. Like French fries.
Fries?
Freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific. Consent. This is how all choices should be.
Even if you're objectively better for him? Livia asked.
What does it mean: objectively better? She responded.
You know, you care about his consent and shit, you want to feed him once a day…
You know you're blocked from mistreating him and taking him to the point of the relationship, where not revealing me would be a betrayal. You're blocked from fucking others because he now wants exclusivity. You're blocked from using him like an object, manwhore or a shield.
How did she know that about exclusivity? He made no noises that indicated that to Livia?
Yeah…?
And all that truly matters is his choice. Say, we both sucked his dick, for example.
Livia chortled. Yeah, okay?
And let's say, I am objectively better at it and he knows it. I know to not use teeth, I am not allergic to licking balls, all that stuff.
Yeah? Livia followed easily.
It. Doesn't. Matter. The only opinion that truly matters is his. If he prefers, chooses, your inexperienced teeth, not the tip of your tongue, on his frenulum, then that is what shall be.
Teeth on the frenulum, ouuuuch, Livia thought.
Isn't that true love? Livia asked and if they were speaking outside of body, she would've bitten her lower lip.
Tip of the tongue in a quick movement, not teeth on the frenulum? Yes.
I meant the whole system! Livia shouted, but was giggling. She knew Ana said all this on purpose to bring them down from the insane nerves of the whole experience.
To her surprise, Ana smiled like sunshine, wide and beautiful. It was rare, but it happened a few times. She smiled or spoke about something or laughed… And Livia could literally see and feel light bleeding further in the waters of their minds, could feel the warmth and see sun rays through water. So beautiful, so good. It felt wonderful. Like the Weave Gale showed them. Like a hug or a kiss.
No. True love is even more than that, Liv. Ana smiled.
Livia took some time. They got out of the camp, continuing the adventure, Astarion right there.
And this one: "Good Morning! Thank you for not killing me the other night. Are you all right now, or is today a 'I will wed you with a delicate veil of blood blooming over your white curls' kind of day?"
Ana laughed openly, so grateful and full of relief he was okay and his normal self, she felt nothing else, and Livia nodded in appreciation, reluctantly, but agreeing good lines were good lines. When Livia heard the comment about the pale curls, that's when she truly felt relief for the first time, fuck I am glad he survived us.
But her mind kept churning, wondering, trying to put the whole image together, of the girl, her feelings, her world, her motivations, while at the same time Livia was trying to define herself in the same way.
Curiosity pushed her first in a weird direction. True love… If what she felt this night for the vampire was even below that… what could it possibly look like?
Will you show me? Livia asked shyly and it wasn't manipulation.
Hmmm… The other responded. Give me a second.
There was a sensation of her taking something from within, and cutting off a part she didn't want Livia to see - undoubtedly, whom it was directed to. A moment later Livia felt…
Power. It couldn't be described better than that, it was more than agency, more than freedom, more than choice, more than ability to execute choices: it was power.
Gratitude. Life. Happiness, joy, silliness. Desire… and ability to lounge on a bedroll during an afternoon, throwing ball to Scratch and laughing with other companions. But that was the shallow of it. The depth of it was such happiness, such power… It was like cat's claws. If it didn't want to use it, you could never learn they were even there. If a normal house cat truly wanted to hurt you, it could fucking kill you or leave you with nerve damage. This power could lift Faerún up to the sky, challenge and best Jergal, scare Zariel into running. And it was more than light. It was getting more and more complex the deeper it went, and… darker.
Until light was out and it was dark, pure dark, so thick and so beautiful, it made Livia's throat thicken. She made a strangled sound, and Astarion walking next to her looked at her with a question in his eyes, if she is okay. She just nodded, not wanting him to interrupt this moment.
She turned inward again. She could perceive it felt endless and even darker and thicker the lower she went… but she couldn't see the bottom of it where all that darkness coalesced into a shape.
Ana gently, slowly, lifted the feeling back, removing it very carefully, giving Livia time to adjust to temperature change. And it felt awful. Like going from a warm afternoon to a cold biting wind. As she thought that, she suddenly felt…
A hug.
From behind. She didn't look behind her, because the sensations were so obviously inward. They were walking, but the hug was there, as if she was standing. Ana discerned Livia's reaction and although she lifted the feeling away, into herself again, she was now hugging Livia warmly, to replace the warmth lost there. She could tell because Ana was shorter.
It wasn't sexual, it had no expectations. Livia mentally placed her hand on the arm, that was embracing her waist. She wanted to say something more, ask who was it for, who managed to make the other woman birth and hold something like this inside herself at all times. An inextinguishable light that illuminated all darkness, but all she could truly muster now were two words.
… Thank you.
Is it for the vampire? Livia asked, when the evening came again, hours later and she had some time to process.
As well. The human said, distracted, busy staring at the vampire and drinking him in with her eyes, but the frequency didn't totally match. What she showed Livia, that entire image, and the frequency she felt towards the vampire, matched maybe 10%. And the entire thing was so massive Livia was sure it wasn't a lie or misdirection. So somehow true love was not just for the vampire, just that tenth.
As well?! That tells me nothing!
Actually, that just told you everything, human smiled mysteriously.
Faack, Livia smiled, losing this one.
Quick note: I messed up the timeline and had to rewrite, delete and republish this chapter 10 because I forgot the game brings Sceleritas to kill Durge's lover before Araj often and it actually makes sense a player is forced to make a decision … wait, when does it happen? Act 3 or 2? it makes sense to force a player to kill astarion even before araj oblodra makes him admit his nice simple plan, so you save him even if you don't think anything will work out between you, but if you do kill the lover, you get a slayer form - right?, which at this point still should be a complete mystery, other than Volo and his book and explanation? I distinctly remember Volo sharing the book about the slayer in act 3, but sceleritas asking me to kill astarion in act 2, so the fuck?
so I decided to make a choice that will work with the story and include sceleritas asking to kill astarion before Araj, therefore the whole chapter had to be rewritten and extended.
My apologies!
For those of you who read my story -thank you so much by the way, love to Croatia, Russia and USA, I sincerely apologize. In my defense, I am doing it all myself, without an editor, while I am still trying to juggle a normal life, exercising, cooking, taking care of the house and working my normal job. So I am sorry I messed up the chapter 4 as it's published on fanfiction. Remember, comments feed the authors!
-smut peddler from Sharess' Caress